True Blood – S2E8 “Timebomb”

Previously on True Blood: Andy walks in on a Maryann zombie orgy and Sam escapes from it. Sookie realizes that Hugo was the vampire traitor and Steve Newlin realizes that Sookie is Jason’s sister. Hoyt and Jessica have sex. Possessed, Eggs kills Daphne for Maryann. Barry delivers Sookie’s message to Bill, who is being held by Lorena. Eric rushes to Jesus Camp and Lorena grips up Barry. Sarah shoots Jason. Godric saves Sookie from being raped.

And now…

Zeke pleads with Godric not to kill him, “Godric, it’s me.” But Godric snaps his neck anyway. Eric arrives and bows before his maker. Godric says that Eric shouldn’t have sent the humans for him. As alarms go off, Godric orders Eric and Sookie to leave and forbids Eric from killing anyone on his way out.

Godric is a party pooper!

Jason realizes that he’s not dead and thinks he’s been spared by God. Sarah points out that it’s a paintball gun. She feels betrayed. She let him into her bed and he paid her back by being a traitor. Technically, he wasn’t in her bed, per se. She shoots him in the junk with the gun. Sarah informs Jason that they have Sookie. She calls them both vampire fuckers. Jason goes a bit white boy crazy on her ass for dissin’ his sis. He takes the gun, and her jeep, and leaves.

Jesus Camp is on lockdown! The church is being evacuated. Sookie wants to know where Bill is, Eric stalls. Sookie figures out that Godric is Eric’s maker. Eric uses the perfect little Jesus Camp I’m a Little Wanker accent to pose as a member of the church in order to get by some guards. He starts to glamour one as another gets suspicious. Sookie warns him and Eric beats some ass. Sookie stops him from killing one. They search for an exit but are surrounded by a bunch of Jesus Campers. They look suspiciously like tea-bagging, ultra-Conservative, fringe birthers at a Healthcare Reform town hall meeting. Complete with crosses and weapons!

Eric assures Sookie he’ll be fine and is willing to take Godric’s place.

Lorena wants to eat Barry, and even though he is obviously weak, Bill refuses. What a pussy. I wonder if I’ll like Sookie more when she hooks up with Eric. Oh, you know it’s coming! Lorena bites into Barry and realizes his blood tastes different. While she’s distracted, Bill knocks her out with a flat-screen TV. He grabs Barry and runs out. Bill then rushes in on Hoyt and Jessica having sex.

“I don’t know what you heard, but those were cries of pleasure!,” Hoyt says proudly.

Bill tells him that if he truly cares for Jessica, he’ll drive her back to Bon Temps before the sun rises.

At Merlotte’s, Lafayette reads Tara’s tarot cards. He says she’ll have to make a choice soon. He’s about to read her future when Eggs rushes in needing her help. Lafayette leaves to clean up and Eggs admits that he’s lost a few hours. He blacked out and doesn’t remember anything after dropping Tara off at work and driving off. Tara asks Lafayette to close up alone – he’s been eavesdropping.

Jason arrives at the church and convinces the guards outside to let him in. When one realizes Jason has a paintball gun, Jason has to knock his ass out.

Sam is asleep in his car when he gets a call on his cell. The call is coming for his bar, but no one answers. Of course, he heads over there! He finds Daphne, sans heart, in the freezer. He starts to wrap her up in garbage bags, but decides to call 911. As the call is connected, the cops show up at Merlotte’s.

At Sookie’s house, Maryann cooks Daphne’s heart.

At the church, Eric is tied up in silver chains and offers himself up once again for Godric and Sookie’s release.

Steve considers tying Sookie up to Eric so they can roast together. Bill rushes in and demands Sookie be let go. Steve holds a gun on Sookie. From the balcony, Jason shoots Steve in the hand and then forehead with the paint gun. Bill uses that time to grab Sookie, but she pushes off to let Eric loose. Eric grips up Steve, but Sookie yells for him not to kill the minister while Jason yells, “Kill him! Kill the motherfucker!”

Steve says that they are all willing to be martyred before God. He’s about to get his wish. Stan and some other redneck vampires show up. Stan says that they will kill them all just like they killed Steve’s father.

The vampires move like the lightning and grab members of the church while Eric watches, with his sexy ass. Godric shows up and orders the vampires to stop. He says the members of the church didn’t harm him. Again with the party pooping!  He offers Steve a truce, but Steve is a little bitchass. Steve tells Eric to kill him, Jesus will protect him.

Godric is all, “I’m older than Jesus. Wish I coulda rolled with him, but I missed it.” Godric asks the Jesus Campers who is willing to die for Steve. If they could, I’m sure they all would have taken two big ass steps backwards, but it’s hard to move when you’re gripped up by vamps. Godric sends them all home. The vampires are all disappointed they won’t be eating. Eric asks Sookie if she’s okay, and Bill is all, “I got this.”

Jason apologizes for letting the church brainwash him. Steve jumps in and says they will see who goes to heaven and who goes to hell. Jason says he’s already been to heaven… inside Steve’s wife! He punches Steve and tosses him the honesty ring. Bill pulls Jason back as Jason taunts Steve with, “White suit motherfucker!”

At Merlotte’s, Sam defends himself to the Sheriff Bud and Kenya – an anonymous tip called in the body in his freezer. Sam says he’s being set up. The sheriff points out that Sam has no past on paper and that his whole life is suspicious. Andy staggers in and Kenya wants to throw him out. Andy tells Bud and Kenya about he orgy when they tried to kill Sam.

“The bull… with claws. A bull. In a dress. With claws.”

Funniest line of the night.

Andy wants Sam to back him up, but he knows they won’t believe him.

At Sookie’s house, Tara tries to comfort Eggs who is freaked out by his blackout. Maryann calls them into the dining room for a snack she has prepared for them: Hunter’s Souffle. Main ingredient? Daphne’s heart. As Tara cuts into it, blood spills all over the plate. Tara and Eggs don’t seem to notice as they dig in and moan over how good it is. Maryann watches and smiles.

Back in Dallas, at a really nice house (Godric’s?), all the vamps welcome Godric home. Godric expresses his gratitude to Jason and tells him he’s welcome in their territory any time he wants. Eric approaches Jason after and tells him that back home Jason is known as a vampire blood user and dealer. Jason swears he’s done with that. Eric says his good deeds that night will erase what he did before, but he better not get caught doing it again. Jason pisses his nut-hugger jeans and promises he won’t.

Sookie wants to know why Bill didn’t come rescue her. He says he was held against his will. Before he can go into specifics Eric walks up and Sookie blasts him for letting her walk into a trap just to save his maker. He explains that the bond between a maker and his vamp is stong. Bill doesn’t like where the convo is going.

Back in Bon Temps, Hoyt and Jessica arrive at Bill’s house. Jessica wants to have sex again, but stops when she realizes that her vampire healing abilities apply to her hymen as well. She’s a virgin all over again. She cries and runs upstairs.

Bill warns Eric to stay away from Sookie. Isabel comes in with Hugo who is all jacked up from his ass-whupping by Zeke. Godric spares Hugo’s life and tells him that he is no longer safe in their territory. Once again, Bill is about to tell Sookie about Lorena, but Jason shows up wanting to talk to Bill alone.

Sheriff Bud and Kenya put Sam in a cell. The medical examiner is also in jail with some other townfolk. He’s accused of sodomizing a tree. Damn! Maryann has some serious mojo.

Jason apologizes for the way he had regarded Bill and his relationship with Sookie. Bill accepts his apology and they share an awkward hug. Inside, Eric tends to Godric who says that he was treated kindly by the church. He points out that after thousands of years in existence, vampires have not evolved. Godric says they need to find a way to live with the humans in the church. Eric looks like he ain’t tryna hear that shit.

At Sookie’s, Eggs and Tara are full off of the heart stew. They giggle and marvel at how good they feel. They start smacking each other around and then have sex on the floor. Maryann listens and smiles in the other room.

A mystery person exits a car and makes their way into the vampire party house.

Lorena arrives at the party and zeroes in on Sookie. Bill shows up and Lorena lets it out that they spent two nights together in the hotel room. When Lorena starts to touch Bill, Sookie smacks her hand away. Sookie provokes Lorena and wont listen when Bill tells her to stop.

“Go find someone else you fucking bitch! You’ve lost this one!”

Lorena vamps out and is about to light Sookie’s ass up when Godric grips up Lorena and orders her to stop and then leave.

GODRIC IS A PARTY POOPER!!

Lorena cries as Bill escorts her out of the house. He informs her they will not be seeing each other again. I feel bad for her.

The mystery person enters the house and it’s Luke. You know, the Lukinator. Jason wants to know what he’s doing there, but he orders Jason to stay away from him. He addresses the room, introduces himself as a member of Jesus Camp, says he has a message from Steve Newlin, and then reveals the explosives and ammo chained to his chest. He goes to press the detonator.

The end.

OK, a few things.

1. Did Godric go w/ the Fellowship of the Sun willingly? Eric theorized last week that a vampire as old and strong as Godric couldn’t have been taken so easily by humans.

2. Where the hell was he? When Sookie was calling for him when they were first thrown in the basement, he didn’t answer. Granted, it was daytime. But when he showed up to rescue her from Zeke, he did so quite easily. Where was he being held that he could so easily get out and enter the cage?

3. Why did Zeke say, “Godric, it’s me,” like they were friends?

4. If Godric is so anti-violence against humans, why did he kill Zeke? Why not just knock him out so that Sookie and Eric could escape?

5. If Steve did send Luke, how the frak did they know where to find all the vamps?!!

I smell a rat.

True Blood airs Sunday night at 9pm on HBO

True Blood – S2E7 – “Release Me”

Previously on True Blood: Eric summons Bill’s maker, Lorena. Sookie goes undercover with Isabel’s human lover, Hugo. Sarah gives Jason a little reward with her hand. Hoyt arrives in Dallas to see Jessica. Pam tells Lafayette that Eric wants him to go back to selling V. Lorena stops Bill from rescuing Sookie after her cover is blown at Jesus Camp. Sarah and Jason have sex. Daphne leads Sam to a Maryann-led orgy/ritual.

And now…

Detective Andy continues to chase the pig (Daphne) through the woods and falls on his face. Maryann approaches Sam, but before she can do anything Detective Andy fires off a shot out of shock. He sees all the demon-eyed sex and dancing and can’t believe his drunk eyes. Sam takes that opportunity to break free, punch Daphne, and run into the woods. Maryann chases him with her bull mask on and talons out.

Come on, she ran a lot faster than that when she was chasing Sookie’s dumb ass.

Before she can get him, Sam shifts into an owl and flies away.

And we have credits…

While the credits are rolling, am I the only one that finds Maryann’s bull mask completely whack?

Because Andy interupted their little screw-fest, the crowd walks around zombie-like. Andy approaches Terry, who turns around and breaks Andy’s arm.

In the Jesus Camp basement, Sookie tries calling out Godric, but he’s not answering. She figures out that someone at the vampire nest is a traitor. Hugo starts having a claustrophobic panic attack.

Bill tries to get past Lorena, but she is too strong and fast for him.

Flashback to Los Angeles, 1935: Bill is reading when Lorena comes home with a showgirl for him to feast on. She’s glamored, and he’s tempted, but he sends the girl away. He tells Lorena he doesn’t want to feast on people anymore. He also can’t stand the sight of her. She think he’s just depressed, but he insists that she has stolen his humanity and he doesn’t want to be evil anymore.

At the hotel, he warns Lorena that if Sookie is hurt in any way, he’ll kill her.

Isabel and Eric watch the Soliders of the Sun guard Jesus Camp. Eric laughs at the idea that some scared little boys with crossbows are the church’s army. Isabel warns that he shouldn’t sleep on the church – their support is growing and they are willing to die for their cause. Eric is all, “That can be arranged.” Isabel warns that they cannot make a move until they are sure Godric is being held there. She says that she felt something earlier that told her Hugo was in danger, but he’s fine now.

Eric asks what she finds so fulfilling about human companionship. She says that humans feel things more deeply than vampires and that everything is exciting and has a sense of urgency with them. She is not repulsed by the idea that Hugo will one day grow old. She wants to know what Bill thinks of Eric’s interest in Sookie, but Eric says he has none. They wonder how the church could have over powered a vampire as strong as Godric, and Eric thinks that it had to have involved something not human.

Inside the church, Sarah wants to confess to Steve that she and Jason had sex and are in love. Jason doesn’t like that idea at all. He convinces her to wait until after the lockdown. She agrees.

Hoyt and Jessica are making out when he admits that he’s a virgin. So is she, so it’s all good in the hood. They agree to be each other’s first, but since it’s almost dawn, it will have to wait.

At the hotel, Isabel, Stan, and Godric talk about Sookie and Hugo’s disappearance. Stan predicts that they ran off and joined the church. Eric accuses Stan of setting Godric up to steal his title. Stan denies it. As Eric turns to go into his room, he says that without Godric nothing will be the same… and he cries blood tears. Now, I don’t know if this is due to the fact that the sun is coming up, or he’s Godric’s bitch.

Tara and Eggs wake up on the couch at Sookie’s. Tara doesn’t remember anything past following the trail of clothes into the woods. Eggs says that it’s normal after smoking some of Maryann’s weed.

Sam arrives at Merlotte’s and pulls out a gun he keeps stashed in his office.

At Jesus Camp, Steve and Gabe show up at the church basement. Sookie warns that the church members will find themselves dead if they keep playing this game. Steve laughs and apologizes to Sookie. He just wants answers. Hugo drops a dollar worth of dimes on both of them! Punkass. When Steve finds out Sookie’s last name, he and Gabe leave to confront Jason. Hugo is unapologetic for his bitch move. Sookie tries to send a telepathic message to Barry telling him where they are and that Godric is being held at the church too.

At the hotel, Bill and Lorena are both getting sick from being up in the daytime. She refuses to sleep because she knows that the moment she sleeps, Bill will try to rescue Sookie. When he tries to call someone to help Sookie, Lorena breaks the phone and tells Bill that Eric is the reason she’s there and that he wants Sookie – just let Eric have her. Bill bleeds from his ears. Probably from the news that Eric wants to bang his girl AND the fact that the sun is up.

At Jesus Camp, Jason is trying to high-tail it out of Dodge. Steve and Gabe show up and force him in the jeep.

Detective Andy tries telling the sheriff about what he saw the night before, but the sheriff doesn’t believe him.

As Eggs and Tara watch TV, Maryann comes in all dirty and bloody and carrying a dead rabbit. Gross! Tara asks if she threw a party and Maryann admits to having a few people over for drinks and Sookie shouldn’t mind since they fixed her broke ass water heater.

While Gabe holds a knife to Jason’s neck, Steve tells Jason he knows what he’s up to. Jason is about to confess to sleeping with Sarah when he realizes Steve is talking about something else. Steve orders Gabe to get rid of Jason.

Sam shows up at the lake with a gun and pulls it on Daphne. He wants to know if the scars on her back are how Maryann got her to be a whore. Daphne says it’s not whoring because she did it for love  – the love of Maryann. Daphne explains that Maryann wants him because he got away from her and she can’t control him. Since they’re supernatural, she can’t control them. They have to go to her willingly. Daphne says that Maryann is God.

At the Jesus Camp basement, Hugo is acting like a little bitch again. When Sookie tries to calm him down, she reads his thoughts and realizes he’s the traitor.

Daphne explains to Sam that Maryann is a maenad – a handmaiden to the devil. She controls violence, excess, and lust. She’s the closest thing to a God and she cannot be controlled. Sam asks if Maryann will leave everyone in town alone if he goes to her willingly. Daphne doubts it. Sam leaves, disgusted.

Hugo admits to Sookie that once Isabel wouldn’t turn him, he realized that vampires are selfish and only care about themselves. They don’t want humans to be their equals. That’s what he joined The Fellowship. Sookie asks why the Newlins have him down there if he means so much to them. Doh!

Steve tells Sarah he needs to talk to her in private about Jason. Gulp! As Gabe marches Jason into the woods, he calls Sookie a whore. That seems to be what sends Jason over the edge. He beats dat ass, grabs the knife, and runs off leaving Gabe with a wounded pride and sore nuts.

In the ladies room of Merlotte’s, Lafayette is on the phone trying to sell the V Pam gave him. Arlene comes into work late asking for Sam. Tara, who was kissing Eggs at the bar, tells her Sam isn’t around. Arlene is relieved. She snatches Tara off to the ladies room. Tara and Lafayette have words and he leaves. Arlene tells Tara that she blacked out with Terry the night before. This gets Tara’s attention. Arlene is afraid she date raped Terry because he was acting weird… weirder than usual… the next morning.

At the bar, Lafayette calls out Eggs as being nothing but trouble. Tara shows up and tells him to behave. Andy comes in looking for Terry and calls out everyone for being devil worshipping zombie-fuckers. When Arlene tries to calm him down…

“Fuck you, zombie woman!”

I love Andy!

Jessica awakes at nightfall to find that Hoyt has strewn roses petals all around the bedroom and has lit blood-scented candles. Awwww. Also, he’s playing, “Bleeding Love,” on the radio. Nicely played, Hoyt. Nicely played. Jessica tells him to take off his pants.

Jason runs through the woods at Jesus Camp when Sarah shows up in a jeep. She shoots him.

Daphne stand on the docks at night and Maryann shows up. She thanks Daphne for her service, kisses her, and then steps aside as a brainwashed Eggs stabs Daphne.

Gabe shows up at the basement and starts beating on Hugo. Sookie jumps in a finds herself gripped up by the neck for her troubles.

Bill hears Sookie’s screams and tries once again to run to her, but Lorena stops him. She threatens to stake him.

Flashback again: Bill asks Lorena to release him. He no longer wants her or to be like her. When he threatens to stake himself, she releases him.

At the hotel, Barry shows up with Sookie’s message, but Lorena covers Bill’s mouth. Barry calls the message through the door. Eric, across the  hall, hears and rushes out when he hears that Godric is indeed at the church. Barry feels the wind of Eric running past, but doesn’t see him. He sends his own message to Sookie saying that he’s done doing her and her vampire buddies favors, but then Lorena  snatches him into the hotel room by his collar.

Gabe is about to rape Sookie in the basement when he yanked off his feet. Sookie turns to find a young vampire holding Gabe by his neck.

“Godric?”

If that is Godric, he damn sure looks different than he did in the epi when he turned Eric. Also, I hope he’s legal so I won’t feel so bad lusting after him. He was hawt!

True Blood airs Sunday at 9pm on HBO.

True Blood – S2E6 “Hard-Hearted Hannah”

Previously on True Blood: Sam discovers that Daphne is a shapeshifter. Hoyt’s grandmother hates on the fact that Jessica calls Hoyt late at night. Lafayette gets his job back, but doesn’t tell Sam what happened to him. Tara tells Maryann she can’t move in. Sookie agrees to go undercover at The Fellowship of the Sun. Sarah seduces Jason. Tara agrees to let Maryann move in after she orchestrates a very bad night for Tara. Eric admits to Bill that Godric is his maker.

And now…

Eric sucks on a blood prostitute in the hotel lobby. He gets annoyed when she wants it too badly. She tries to pretend not to want it, but she can’t pull it off. That’s ’cause Eric is HOT!

Lorena, Bill’s maker, arrives and Eric admits that he didn’t think she’d accept his invitation.

And we have credits…

Sookie and Bill are kissing in bed (gag) when Isabel arrives with her human lover, Hugo. She wants Hugo to accompany Sookie to the church. Hugo says he’ll do it because he’d do anything for Isabel. Sookie reads his thoughts and comfirms to the whole damn room that, yes, he does love Isabel very much.

And I’m all, “Bitch, did anybody ASK you?!” God, I hate Sookie.

In the lobby, Lorena wants to know why she’s there. Eric says that he needs Bill out of the way because he wants Sookie. He says that Sookie is more than a human.

She’s a twit.

Lorena wonders why Eric thinks she’d even have Bill back – she hasn’t seen him in 70 years. Eric says he hasn’t seen Godric even longer than that and he’s still fiercely loyal to him.

Lorena has a flashback to Chicago 1926. They’re at a party where Bill is singing and playing piano. Lorena approaches a couple and pretends to be European. She offers herself and Bill up for a little swinging action after the other party guests leave. The couple agrees. The wife is all atwitter when Bill comes over and introduces himself with a fake-ass French accent.

At Merlotte’s, Sam and Daphne kiss on the pool table. He asks about the scars on her back and she says that something jumped her, but she couldn’t see what it was. The doctors said she was lucky to be alive. Sam tells her that he has told Sookie about him, but that they’ve never been intimate. Daphne thinks that it’s important that people really know who they are. Sam is pussy-whipped.

Tara calls for a pump for the broken water heater at the Stackhouse house. Eggs tries to fix it while Carl gives Maryann a foot massage. Maryann is cranky because she can’t take a hot shower. Tara finds a place with the pump, but it’s two hours away. Maryann tosses Tara her keys, but refuses to let Eggs go with her. Tara comes up with some b.s. reasons why she needs Eggs to go and Maryann finally agrees.

That whole scene just proves why all the supporting players are so much more interesting and entertaining than Bill and Sookie.

At Jesus Camp, Jason and Luke are tasked with building a platform. Sarah is real shitty to Jason because she’s guilty over that bath-time hand job. Steve tells them that the platform is for a ceremony in which a vampire is tied to a cross before dawn and left to roast as the sun comes up.

At the hotel, Sookie and Hugo get to know one another. They agree to pretend to be an engaged couple and that Hugo will do all of the talking. They compare, “We screw vampire” notes and Hugo says that Isabel shuts down whenever he brings up her turning him. He makes Sookie face something she hadn’t realized before – she will get old and Bill won’t.

Tara and Eggs are on the road when he suddenly is able to point out what’s ahead without seeing it. He swears he’s never been on that road before, but he seems to know where he is. He makes Tara pull over and walks into the woods. She follows confused.

At Merlotte’s, Arlene tells Terry they’re going out later and that she has a surprise for him. He says he doesn’t like surprises.

Andy approaches Lafayette in the kitchen. He wants to know what’s wrong with Lafayette. He says Lafayette has lost some of his pizazz. Lafayette claims to have been on a gay cruise for the last two weeks. Andy reasons that if Lafayette had been on a gay cruise, he’d have come back with more pizazz, not less!

Sweet God, EVERYONE on this show is stellar EXCEPT Sookie.

As Andy badgers Lafayette, Lafayette cowers on the floor having flashbacks to his time in the basement. He no longer sees Andy, but Eric in Andy’s clothes with Andy’s voice accusing him of killing Ms. Janelle. Terry comes in and puts a stop to it. He orders his cousin out and reminds him he’s not even a cop anymore. When Andy leaves, Terry takes Lafayette in his arms and talks him through his panic attack.

Hoyt’s Grandmother and her friend are dining in Merlotte’s when Hoyt storms in. She had his cell phone shut off because of the calls he’s been receiving from Jessica. He panics because Jessica might think he’s ignoring her. He puts his foot down and reveals that Jessica is a vampire. I love Hoyt!

Sam approaches Daphne and tells her that they should ditch work, shift, run and play and have sex under the sun. She agrees. They skip out without anyone noticing.

At Jesus Camp, Luke admits that it was jealousy that caused him to make accusations about Sarah and Jason. He convinces Jason that he should practice abstinence. Luke likens adultery to incest, beastiality, and homosexuality.

Sookie and Hugo arrive and when they meet Sarah, Sookie forgets everything they agreed on and does all the damn talking. Sarah offers a tour and a meeting with Steve. When they meet with Steve, they claim to need a new church because the pastor of their old church was a vampire sympathizer… and possibly a homosexual. While they talk Sookie hears Steve’s thoughts as he wonders how the platform is coming along and how he can’t wait to bring the vampire up from the basement so he can get what he deserves.

Lorena has another flashback to Chicago in the 20’s when she and Bill kill the couple and have sex in their blood.

Tara and Eggs have been walking for 45 minutes when they come across a clearing in the woods. Eggs says he has been there before. He doesn’t remember it, but he feels it. There are clothes all over with blood on them, a burned out fire pit and blood on a rock. A lot of blood. Eggs is freaked out.

Sookie and Hugo continue the tour, but Sookie realizes that Sarah and Steve are on to them when she reads their thoughts. Gabe arrives and Steve says he’ll be joining them for the rest of the tour. Ruh-roh.

Andy is drinking and driving when he sees a pig and a dog in the road. The pig is the same pig from Maryann’s house and when Tara ran off the road. Andy chases them, but they get away.

Sam is the dog and Daphne is the pig. Sam wants to know why she became a pig and she said it’s her go-to animal. He also points out that it seems like Andy recognized the pig, but Daphne brushes it off before going down on Sam.

Pam shows up at Merlotte’s and corners poor Lafayette in the freezer. She says that they need him to be back in the V-selling business. He nearly shits himself.

On the church tour, Steve wants to take them to the basement to see the tomb of his father. Sookie and Hugo are nervous, and Sarah tries to talk Steve out of it but he insists. Gabe and Steve force Hugo and Sookie into the basement. As Sookie screams, Bill awakens in the hotel room, but he can’t rush to her rescue because Lorena is there. She overpowers him and refuses to let him up. Apparently, because her blood is in him and she’s his maker, she is stronger than him.

They continue to force Sookie and Hugo in the basement and Steve calls Sookie a cunt.

Tara and Eggs return to the Stackhouse house and find it a mess. They follow a trail of clothes to the woods behind the house where they find a big old orgy going on. Arlene and Terry are having sex, the coroner is there with his woman, and a bunch of other people. Everyone has those black eyes. Men play music while Maryann dances around a fire. Carl seems unaffected as he watches the whole thing. Maryann notices Tara and Eggs and just smiles.

Hoyt surprises Jessica at the hotel with flowers. She’s happy to see him and they kiss.

Jason goes to the church looking for Steve and Sarah. He finds Sarah alone on the balcony. She’s crying and he goes to find out what’s wrong. She complains about Steve. Jason defends him cause he feel guilty about the handjob. Sarah tells Jason that Steve is using them to start a war with the vampires. She alse seems more offended that Steve uses “the c word.” Sarah says she was meant to be with Jason. She convinces him that God wants them to be together and they have sex on the balcony.

So much for abstinence.

Daphne leads Sam through the woods. He hears the drums and doesn’t want to go further. Two people jump out from the woods. They’re possessed too. They grab Sam and drag him to the orgy. He sees everyone, including Tara and Eggs having possessed sex. Daphne tells him it’s the end of the road.

She walks over to Maryann and puts a bull’s head mask on her while Carl holds a big ass knife. Sam screams.

True Blood airs Sundays at 9pm on HBO

True Blood S2E5 “Never Let Me Go”

Previously on True Blood: Bill pulls a cockblock move on Hoyt and Jessica. Tara moves into Sookie’s house while she goes to Dallas to help Eric figure out what happened to Godric. At Jesus Camp, some members question Sarah’s intentions towards Jason. Maryann throws Tara an orgy/birthday party at the Stackhouse house. Daphne claims to know what Sam is.

And now…

Daphne makes Sam follow her in the woods all the way claiming that she can tell he’s been carrying a secret. She strips naked and disappears behind some trees. When Sam catches up, he finds a fawn… and I throw up in my mouth a little. Daphne is the fawn.

And we have credits… and Jack does his little humping dance cause he loves the song.

Sam freaks out and wants to know how Daphne knew about him. She tells him she saw a dog jump in the water and it popped up Sam. She tells him he’s not alone anymore and they start to kiss. They’re interupted by Arlene and Terry who were sneaking away to make out.

Um, didn’t her serial killer fiance just die like, a month ago?

In Dallas, Sookie chases Barry the mind-reading bellboy down the hallway. He doesn’t want to talk about it, but she’s a pain in the ass. She wants to swap mind-reading stories and he’s not tryna have it. He tells her he doesn’t know what kind of candyass vampires they have in her town, but Dallas vamps ain’t no joke. Sookie claims to have badass vampires in Bon Temps too.  Uh, no. You have pussy-whipped vampires in Bon Temps. Barry runs off begging Sookie not to tell anyone what he can do. She pouts and flounces back to her room. God, kill her already!

In the hotel room, Bill yells at Jessica for ordering a prostitute. When Sookie comes in she lies about why she left the room. He tells her that she shouldn’t wander off because apparently, he knows that Dallas vamps are badass too. And, proving my earlier point, he allows Sookie to change the subject the moment she starts rubbing up against him and making goo-goo eyes. Aaaaand, vomit in my mouth again. Ugh.

Jessica calls Hoyt and it’s really sweet until his old ass mama comes in yelling at him for having a girl call so late. They decide to watch TV together over the phone. Awww, I remember those days. Sweet. Hoyt starts telling Jessica about the comic book he’s reading too.

At Jesus Camp, Jason is awakened at the ass crack of dawn by a Jesus Drill instructor. He and the other soldiers are made to do jumping jacks and push-ups like it’s boot camp.

Tara wakes up from her wild night with Eggs. She looks at the framed pic of her, Sookie, and Grandma Stackhouse. Call me crazy, but that’s kinda icky after screwing like a porn star in her house. Eggs wakes up and Tara tells him how good of a woman Sookie’s grandma was. Why are you guys talking about an old dead woman?!

Sookie sneaks out of bed the next morning and goes down for the continental breakfast. She sees Barry and wants to start talking about their ability. He begs her to leave him alone. He looks at it as a curse. Sookie offers to teach Barry how to control his ability when he complains that it drives him crazy, but he turns her down. Will she leave the poor man alone?

Bill is upset when he finds out Sookie snuck off again. She opens her big mouth and tells him about Barry. He’s worried that the more people that know about her ability, the harder it will be to protect her. He’s salty because he’s responsible for her and Jessica, but they make their own decisions.

At Merlotte’s, Arlene gives Daphne a hard time. When Sam shows up he wants to know why Daphne ran off. She says she always needs a run after a change. Lafayette shows up and everyone is happy to see him. Sam takes him in the back room and wants to know what happened to him. Lafayette doesn’t offer up answers, he just wants his job back.

At Jesus Camp, Jason and the others are being put through it! When one recruit drops out, Jason tries to encourage him on while Luke makes fun of the guy and runs ahead.

Tara goes to the kitchen and discovers Maryann cutting up fruit. She and Carl slept over. Tara is surprised when Maryann says that she, Carl, and Eggs need a place to stay. The house they were living in doesn’t belong to Maryann, but to a client that was out of the country but he’s back now. Tara tells Maryann that they dont’ gotta go home, but they gotta get the hell up out the Stackhouse joint. SHE is a guest, she can’t be inviting other people to stay. People that Sookie doesn’t even know. Maryann looks like she’s about to cry and leaves the room. I guess it’s better than pulling out her minotaur claws and ripping Tara’s scalp off.

Tara goes into the other room where Eggs is playing the guitar and asks him why he didn’t tell her that he, Maryann, and Carl are a bunch of nomads. He tells her that they all look out for each other and that if her idea of family wasn’t so fucked up, she’d recognize that they took care of her too.

At Jesus Camp, Luke can’t make it over a fence because he’s too tired. Jason steps up and helps him over. Sarah Newlin creams her panties. Jason is a true SOG. That’s Soldier of God, you heathens.

In Dallas, two other vampires (Stan and Isabel) meet with Eric, Sookie, and Bill. Stan wants to just take out the whole church, but Isabel insists they need a plan.

Sarah and Steve argue over something he’s doing with the church that she doesn’t approve of. She’s annoyed that the drill instructor (Gabe) knows more than she does. Jason comes in and Steve takes him off alone to show him something few people have ever seen. Sarah isn’t happy.

Steve shows Jason a weapons room with vampire-specific weapons.

Maryann and Carl pull up outside of Merlotte’s and she instructs Carl to keep the car running. She closes her eyes and starts some who-doo voodoo. Everyone in Merlotte’s starts arguing with each other and there’s lots of “fuck yous.” Maryann tells Carl they can leave, her work there is done.

At the Newlin house, Jason is taking a bath when Sarah comes in and locks the door. She offers to help him bathe. As she runs a loofah up his arm, she explains that Mary Magdeline washed the feet of Jesus and dried him with her hair. Jason points out that Mary was also a hooker. Sarah says that after all his hard work, he needs a reward. Apparently, his reward is a hand job.

Isabel and Stan bicker like kids. No one can agree on a plan. Sookie offers to join the church and go under cover. Eric likes that plan. Bill pulls him aside and wants to know why he’s willing to do all this for Godric. Flashback a few hundred years and Eric is dying on a Viking battlefield. Godric, a young boy, appears at night and kills Eric’s men, but offers him eternal life because he admires what a warrior Eric is. Bill is shocked to hear that Godric is Eric’s maker.

I sure hope Godric isn’t dead. He’s already ten times more interesting than Sookie and Bill.

Daphne helps Sam close up Merlotte’s and they end up having sex on the pool table. “Nice rack.” “Nice balls.” Lame.

Sookie asks about Barry at the front desk of the hotel and finds out he quit that day.

Tara comes home from work to find Maryann sitting at the kitchen table, reading a book, and I think, wearing one of Grandma Stackhouse’s frocks. Maryann is all understanding when listening to the bad day Tara had – that she caused! Tara says she’s going to talk to Sookie about Maryann and co. staying there.

Sookie tells Bill that he could never be like the vampires they’ve met in Dallas. He wants to slip back to Bon Temps, but Sookie says she gave her word to Eric and they can’t trust crazy vampire Stan to do the right thing. Then they have sex. Do they have sex every episode?

Anyway, while they’re doing it, a woman does a the bitchwalk (though technically, one person does not a bitchwalk make) down the hotel hallway. She can hear Sookie and Bill panting and when Sookie whispers Bill’s name, the woman’s fangs come out. It’s Bill’s maker.

True Blood – S2E4 “Shake and Fingerpop”

Previously on True Blood: Sookie is attacked by a minotaur. Maryann lays into Tara’s mother for sucking so badly. Sookie rescues Lafayette from Eric’s basement and offers her services in trying to find out what happened to Godric. Sam prepares to leave town, but not before a late night swim with the new waitress, Daphne (who sports minotaur scars.) Sam warns Tara against Maryann. Sookie asks Tara to move in with her which doesn’t please Maryann. Jessica gets close to Hoyt. Jason makes friends and enemies at Jesus Camp.

And now…

Jason is hazed by his fellow Jesus campers. He doesn’t think it’s funny that they all pretended to be slain by a vampire. Mainly because he damn near shit himself when they did.

Bill loses his shit when he finds Jessica making out with Hoyt. He throws Hoyt out for his own protection. Jessica swears she only wanted to make out with him because she’d never kissed a boy before being turned. She’s all giggly and cute and ten times more likable than Sookie’s ditzy ass. Bill and Sookie discuss the difference between when he was made (vampires had to hide) and now (Jessica can try to walk the line between vampire world and human world.) He agrees to bring Jessica along to Dallas.

Sam swims with Daphne. Sam defends Bon Temps against Daphne’s claims that it’s just a hick town. He admits that he’d been contemplating leaving town. They make plans to go out for breakfast and he notices the scars when she gets out of the water.

Tara talks to Sookie on the phone and tells her she’ll move in. When Maryann comes in she tells her she’s leaving. Maryann is disappointed, but gives her blessing.

At Jesus Camp, Jason, Luke, and another guy discuss who the first vampire was. They toss out Cane and Lazarus, but Jason suggests Jesus. That goes over well.

Tara arrives at Sookie’s and Sookie gives her a birthday present. It’s the framed picture of them as children with Sookie’s Grandma – the one from the fireplace. What a cheap gift. Tara wants to know why they’re going to Dallas and she figures out that the vampires are using Sookie’s abilities again. Sookie defends the trip and says she’s doing it because of Lafayette. Tara admits she didn’t know that Lafayette was back and she wants to know what happened to him.

Sheriff Dearborne and Deputy Kenya are with the coroner looking at Ms. Janelle’s clawed body. He tells the cops that the claw marks had poison which paralyzed her and she would have been alive when her heart was torn out. Andy comes in and asks Kenya about the pig Tara said she saw the night she ran off the road. Kenya said there was no pig. Tara made it up. Andy says he saw the pig in a dollhouse (at Maryann’s.) The sheriff tells Andy he’s drunk and can’t be counted on. He makes him hand in his badge and gun.

Poor Andy is going to be the first one on to Maryann and no one will believe him.

Tara shows up at Lafayette’s and yells at him for not telling her what happened to him. She wants to stay with him, but he’s not in the mood for company. She pleads that it’s her birthday. He makes her leave anyway.

“If you die, I’ma be pissed.”

“That’ll make two a us.” (Not “of” but “a”) LOL

Terry and Sookie speak at Merlotte’s. He tells her about Sam leaving town. Sookie confronts Sam and he pretty much tells her he has other things on his mind than her latest drama. She wants to apologize for leading him on when she thought Bill had abandoned her, but he doesn’t want to hear that either. Then she asks for time off to go to Dallas. I can’t stand her.

Steve Newlin takes Jason out practice shooting and Jason reveals that he’s seen a vampire staked in person. Newlin nearly pops a boner.

Maryann, Eggs, and Carl surprise Tara at Sookie’s with a cake and gifts. Maryann has arranged a party for her.

At the Newlin’s, Jason has a dirty, redneck, striptease fantasy about Sarah as she prepares ribs for him and Steve. At dinner, they tell Jason they think he’s ready to be a soldier of God. They want him to be a Soldier of the Sun.

At Merlotte’s, Sam cuts off Andy (the only patron) who’s getting drunk in a booth. Arlene wants to leave early to go to Tara’s birthday party. She’s not too happy when Daphne overhears and invites herself. Tara’s mother shows up with a present for Tara. Sam sends Daphne and Arlene on so he can talk to her. He admits that he and Tara aren’t together anymore, but agrees to take the present to Tara.

The private plane carrying Sookie and Bill and Jessica (in coffins) arrives at a Dallas airport hangar. The limo driver apologizes for being late and says he was supposed to be there before sundown. Sookie explains that their flight was delayed.  As he eyes the coffins being unloaded he tries to get Sookie to get into the limo, but she refuses. Sensing something fishy, she reads his mind as he coaxes “the stupid bitch” to get into the limo. He grabs her, but Bill rushes to her rescue.

Sam arrives at Tara’s party and Maryann goads him. He tells her that she can turn him into a dog in front of everyone, but she’ll also reveal herself to be whatever the hell she is. She slinks off and he spots Daphne outside.

Tara and Eggs dance. She says she loves to dance and can’t remember the last time she did. Um, episode 2, I believe. Maryann takes the present Tara’s mother sent and tosses it into the bushes. Then she walks into the woods by the house.

Bill teaches Jessica how to glamour the limo driver inside the limo. Bill and Sookie try to figure out who would send someone to kidnap her. When Bill suggests “that church,” Sookie balks. Bill explains that churches have done worse throughout history.

At Jesus Camp, Jason goes back to his room he shares with the other guys and boasts about being chosen to be a soldier. The other guys inform him he’s not the only one chosen. When he tells them he’ll also be living with the Newlins, they tease him that he’s gonna be Sarah’s plaything. Jason tries to defend her honor before storming out.

Sookie and Bill check in to the hotel while Jessica continues to glamour the limo driver in the lobby. Jessica decides to mess with him that all his worst fears will come true unless he screams, “Becky Eubanks is a stuck up whore who let Jase finger her in the church!!”

While everyone parties inside, Maryann starts chanting in the woods. Tara and Eggs move their dirty dancing upstairs to, what I hope is, Tara’s bedroom. As they have sex, everyone at the party starts getting freaky. Andy growls out a woman walking by.

Lafayette is chilling on the couch when Eric shows up at his window. Lafayette says he won’t invite him in. Eric says he can smell that Lafayette’s wound is infected and he will let Lafayette feed on his 1,000 year old blood to heal himself. Lafayette suspects that Eric wants to keep tabs on him and wants to know why. Eric says that whatever is special to Sookie intrigues him, and Lafayette is obviously special to her.

Bill tries to undo the damage that Jessica did on the limo driver once they’re up in the hotel room. Under mind control, he admits to Bill that the Fellowship of the Sun hired him, but he doesn’t know a specific person as it was done over the phone and the money left in a locker at a greyhound station. He didn’t know who he was grabbing, just that it was a human assisting the vampires in finding Godric.

OK, let me just take this moment to say, “Hallelujah!” Finally, this Jesus Camp storyline is going somewhere other than Jason boning the wife. Now, we just need to figure out who knew about the deal Sookie made with Eric to help find Godric that would have been able to leak it back to the church.

At Lafayette’s, he feeds on Eric’s arm as Eric watches TV. Eric has to bitch slap Lafayette off because Lafayette is getting down on that arm! Bill calls Eric and tells him about the ambush. He wants to know why Eric didn’t tell him he suspected the church’s involvement and Eric is all, “I don’t have to explain anything to you.” Bill is always forgetting his place! He tells him that if he doesn’t like the hierachy, he can take it up with the queen. Vampires have queens?

Speaking of queens, Lafayette is feeling much better. He’s dancing around and dropping it like it’s hot. This amuses Eric.

Jason moves into the Newlins and asks Sarah if he’s the only one living in their house. She says that they have living quarters for the soldiers, but it only sleeps  14 and he’s number 15. She says he’s also the one they have the highest hopes for. He says he’ll try not to let them down. She prances off to her room wearing a skimpy nightgown.

Sookie and Bill are making out when Eric arrives and demands to speak with Bill in the bar. He admits to Bill that he’s so concerned about Godric’s disappearance because if someone as powerful as Godric can be taken, then none of them are safe. He says that there isn’t another vampire as powerful as Godric in The New World… and yeah, apparently vampires have kings and queens. Eric also tells Bill that he will not release Sookie from their agreement. If they can’t get Godric back, the Texas vampires might start open aggression towards humans as retribution.

In the kitchen of Sookie’s house, Sam starts to make out with Daphne. When he starts to put the breaks on, and reveal somethign to her, she whispers to him that she knows what he is. He looks shocked as she leads him outside.

As Maryann chants, and Eggs and Tara have sex, people at the party start smearing food all over themselves and getting those dark demon eyes. One girl starts eating dirt. Maryann starts digging in the dirt and her hands turn into claws.

Maryann is the minotaur!

Jessica orders a male blood prostitute. The hotel doorman that drops him off, Barry, reads Sookie’s thoughts when she wonders how old the guy is. When they realize they can read each other’s thoughts, Barry runs off and Sookie chases him.

True Blood – S2E3 “Scratches”

Previously on True Blood: Tara expresses doubt over her living situation at Maryann’s and Sookie asks Tara to move in. Jason fits in a little well at Jesus Camp. Pam, Eric, and Chow feast on Lafayette. Bill refuses to allow Sookie to help Eric. Sookie takes Jessica to see her family and all hell breaks loose.

And now…

Bill is driving like a vampire bat outta hell with Jessica crying in the backseat and Sookie’s dumbass riding shotgun. Sookie is apologizing saying that Jessica just wanted to see her family. Bill reminds her that Jessica is vampire and has no family. He chews her a new one and she flounces out the car like a petulant brat. It’s nighttime and they are in the middle of nowhere and vampires are real. More proof that Sookie is a moron. Jessica tells Bill that Sookie wants him to follow her, but he ain’t tryna hear that.

As expected, Sookie finds trouble in the woods. A big, horned man-animal chases her and claws at her back. She screams and Bill comes a-running. And we have credits…

(I just want to point out now that last week Sookie said she wasn’t going out with Jessica the way she was dressed, yet Sookie herself was rocking these coochie-cutters.)

Bill catches up with Sookie and asks what did this to her. She says, “Bull… human…” Oh my God! Sookie was attacked by Seann William Scott!

Bill instructs Jessica to get the car and he rushes Sookie to Eric’s bar that I can never remember the name of. He orders Jessica home.

The new waitress, Daphne, at Merlotte’s is short at the end of the night and Sam tells her she’ll have to repay it. He’s kinda douchey about it. Tara puts her two cents in spouting advice that sounds like it came from Maryann. Sam doesn’t want to hear it and tells Tara he should stay away from Maryann.

Sookie is literally to’ up from the flo’ up. An old lady doc looks at the deep claw marks in Sookie’s back. She says that Sookie will die because she’s been poisoned. She compares her attack to being bitten by a Kimodo dragon, but with a more efficient toxin. Sookie starts foaming at the mouth and the doctor orders Eric and Bill out of the room.

In the back, Bill tells Eric what Sookie said and that his blood didn’t help heal Sookie. Eric quietly calls for Pam and Chow and they appear within seconds. He orders them to search the area of the attack. Pam says she’s wearing her favorite pumps and that Chow can do it. Eric says something to her in Swedish which, I believe, translates roughly to, “Bitch, what I say?” They leave. Eric asks how Jessica is doing and Bill admits she’s a pain in the ass. Sookie screams from the next room.

Bill and Eric come running and the doc has poured something on Sookie’s wounds that has caused them to foam and bubble up. Bill has to hold her down. The doc digs out gooey stuff from Sookie’s wounds.

At Jesus Camp, Jason has a dream that vampire Eddie has crawled into bed with him. He wakes up in a cold sweat, but more importantly, he’s shirtless. He immediately prays for guidance. Luke tells him to shut up.

Bill refuses Eric’s offer to let Sookie feed on him to regain her strength. Bill does it instead. Pam and Chow return. Pam’s shoes are fucked up. They tell Eric that the scent was both human and animal, but an animal they couldn’t place. Eric agrees that Pam’s pumps were great. Bill thanks Eric for his help and Eric says he’s sure he can think of a way for Sookie to repay him.

At Maryann’s, she’s getting the house ready for a party that night. Carl serves Tara coffee while Maryann rolls joints at the table. Tara asks why Sam hates Maryann so much. She tells Tara that Sam is most likely jealous because he lost Tara and she has moved on with Maryann’s help.

Terry (the other short-order cook) arrives at Merlotte’s at Sam’s request. He wants Terry to take care of the place while he goes out of town. Terry doesn’t really want to and Sam pretty says he ran through everyone else before asking him. Terry lights into Sam for cutting and running when things get tough. I like Terry! The writers need to give him more.

At Jesus Camp, Jason is in group therapy and he admits that he doesn’t have anything against vampires. He points out that a human who had a problem with vampires killed his girlfriend and grandmother. Jason has doubts about being there and leaves. Sarah follows. She admits that when vampires first came out of the closet she and her sister marched for their equal rights, but then vampires killed her sister when she got hooked on V. She convinces Jason that he belongs at Jesus Camp to help others not have to suffer like they did. They pray together.

Sookie wakes up in the bar and is greeted by Ginger. She suspects that Ginger is hiding something when she almost slips about Lafayette. Sookie reads her thoughts and knows that Lafayette is in the basement. Sookie does her usual annoying thing and calls Ginger out. She also hears that there’s a gun under the cash register. She pulls it on Ginger and orders her to the basement. She promises Lafayette she will get him out when she realizes Ginger doesn’t have the key. Lafayette is relieved to find out he’s not a vampire.

At Maryann’s party Eggs confides to Tara that Maryann encouraged his musical talents. Tara realizes she’s late for work, but doesn’t care if Sam fires her.

At Eric’s bar, Bill assures Sookie he had nothing to do with Lafayette’s kidnapping. Eric arrives and tells them about Lafayette’s arrangement with Eddie. Sookie insists that is no reason t have the brotha in the basement looking like Amistad. She slaps him. I want him to rip her neck open, but he doesn’t. She threatens to go to the police, and he fangs out on her telling her that he doesn’t respond well to threats.

Sam leaves Tara a voicemail saying that he’s sorry for the way he jumped at her over Maryann. He just wants her to be careful. Arlene arrives for work late. She’s covering for Sookie. It’s the least she can do since Sookie killed her homicidal fiance. Sam gets nostalgic looking at photos of his friends/coworkers on the bar.

Jessica wakes up at Bill’s house to find herself alone. She gets all dolled up and heads to Merlotte’s and meets Hoyt. As he talks, she eyes the vein in his neck. When he comments that he could stare at her smile all day long, she remembers she’s a vampire and gets all sad. He asks if she’s hungry and she tells him she’ll have a bottle of True Blood – B positive. He’s not afraid. He thinks it’s awesome. He gets her drink.

Eric tells Sookie that if she goes to Dallas to help locate Godric, he’ll let Lafayette go. Sookie says she will if he throws in $5,000 – she’s missed a lot of work and needs a new driveway. Bill ups it to $10K and he wants to go too. I don’t know why they’re wheeling and dealing! He could have Lafayette killed. Eric agrees and says that Sookie surprises him which is rare for a “breather.” She says that Eric disgusts her. He says that maybe he’ll grow on her and she says she’d prefer cancer.

He could grow on me. Shoo.

Pam brings in Lafayette. He calls her a bitch and she asks Eric if she can kick him. “You can try,” Bill says. Eric tells everyone to calm the hell down and makes Pam fetch Bill’s car.

At Maryann’s party, everyone is dancing and kissing and getting asked. Detective Andy shows up and looks around. Tara is in the hot tub with Eggs and wonders if maybe Andy shouldn’t have something better to do, like, solve a murder. That’s what I’m saying. Detective Andy sees a pig in a shed by the pool. When Maryann comes out he tells her that he’s there about the noise and wonders if she has a livestock permit for the pig. “What pig?,” she asks. The pig is gone. She convinces him to stay by offering him drinks.

At Jesus Camp, Jason is having dinner with Steve Newlin. He tells Jason how vampires killed his father, stepmother and baby brother. Sarah shows up with dessert. Steve tells Jason that Sarah must think he’s pretty special cause she doesn’t whip out her pudding for just anybody. I have a feeling Sarah wants to give Jason more than her pudding.

Jessica brings Hoyt back to Bill’s house. He thinks the house is pretty cool. He’s excited that they have a Wii. Jessica has never played one. When he tries to show her how, she kisses him, but she gets embarassed when her fangs pop out. He tells her not to be ashamed. She lunges at him.

Bill and Sookie drop Lafayette off at his house. He refuses to go to the hospital. He says he has three jobs and no health insurance. He’ll get his vet uncle to stitch up his leg tomorrow. He tells Bill to relay to Eric that he’ll remember the two weeks he was gone as a vacation. In other words, he ain’t no snitch.

On their way home, Sookie tells Bill that she used to get mad when people judged vampires for being different because it felt like they were judging her too. She’s realizing that the more she opens her mind, the more evil she sees. Bill defends Eric and points out that he saved her life. Sookie says she can still hate him.

Eric and Sookie are gonna do it. Watch.

Bill wants to glamour away all the evil Sookie has seen, but she’s glad that he can’t. She wants to know what to be afraid of. He hopes she’s not afraid of him. She says she knows there’s darkness in him, and it scares her, but she knows there’s goodness in him too. Bleh.

At Maryann’s, Tara and Eggs are getting closer in the hot tub when a topless girl offers them massages. As Eggs gets his, Tara looks around and notices people getting real freaky-deaky. What she doesn’t see is teh black eyes some of them have. She gets upset and jumps out the hot tub. Eggs chases after her, but she ain’t tryna hear it.

Sam is preparing to leave when his dog buddy shows up. Sam decides to have one last late night swim with him.

Bill and Sookie arrive at his house and she comments on all the pink clothes he bought for Jessica. They flirt and talk about Sookie dressing up in petticoats for him and I’m grossed out. They go inside to find Jessica and Hoyt making out. Bill tosses her across the room, and she swears she wasn’t going to bite him.

Sam’s dog refuses to get in the water, but Sam swims naked. Daphne shows up and Sam apologizes for being such a hardass. She decides to join him in the water. As she takes off her shirt, she has the same scratches on her back that Sookie had.

Next Sunday, July 5th, HBO will air the first three episodes of season 2 back-to-back. Then, on July 12th it’s back with an all new episode.

True Blood – S2E2 “Keep This Party Going”

Previously on True Blood: Tara is questioned in the death of Ms. Janette. Maryann lays the smack down on Tara’s mom. Maryann tells Sam she doesn’t want his money. Sookie fights with Bill over Jessica. Eggs puts the moves on Tara. Jason joins The Fellowship of the Light ministries. Sookie and Bill make up. Lafayette’s redneck roommate in captivity finds himself Eric’s midnight snack.

And now…

Eric tosses the redneck’s bloody arm at Lafayette. He wants to know if he has blood in his hair. It’s more like he has some hair in his blood. Pam is gonna kill him, and Lafayette wants to know who Pam is… but not enough to meet her. Eric says he’s gonna meet her anyway. Ruh-roh.

Sookie and Bill bask in the afterglow. Sookie thinks Bill should go easier on Jessica. They fight over this and then start to have more make-up sex.

In Eric’s office, Pam is pissed at Eric for messing up his hair. Lafayette wants to know what they want from him so he can drop a dollar worth of dimes in getting it to them.

“Oh, don’t get it twisted Honeycomb I’m a survivor first, a capitalist second and a whole bunch of other shit after that, but a hooker dead last. So, if I got even a Jew in a Al Qaeda’s pep rally’s chance of getting black ass up out this motherfucker, I’m taking it. Now, what you want to know?”

Lafayette reluctantly admits that he thinks Jason Stackhouse took his V supplier. Eric and Pam realize this information is useless because Sookie is too important to them so killing Jason is out. I’m also completely in love with Eric when he speaks Swedish. Eric wants to know what Lafayette knows about a missing master vamp in Dallas. He doesn’t know anything and is forced back into the basement.

On the bus to Jesus camp, Jason makes a friend just as cute and dumb as he is.  His new friend, Luke, seems taken aback to find that he waited years to join the conference, but Jason was taken so quickly.

My favorite exchange? Luke says, “Don’t say shit.” “Oh, sorry.” “That’s okay. Forgive yourself.”

At Maryann’s, Tara wants to get to know Eggs better. He admits that he’s spent time in jail. The only two single black men in Bon Temps are gay and a felon. Lovely.

Sookie sees an appeal from Jessica’s parents on the news. They want their baby to come home. Sookie gets all wet-eyed looking at a picture of her and Tara as little girls with her Grandma.

At Jesus Camp, Jason and the others are given silver rings and a big “Jesus gonna shine his light down on you” speech.

Maryann takes Tara to work and stays to eat. Sam ain’t happy about it, but he takes her order anyway. She orders dam-near everything on the menu.

At Jesus Camp, Jason takes his shirt off and kicks Luke’s ass (don’t worry, I forgive myself) at Capture the Flag. The Lord sure is shining his light down on that body made for sin. Woo. Steve’s wife, Sarah, seems to notice too.

Lafayette is down in the basement with the redneck’s dead body when he notices the corpse’s metal hip. He rips apart the leg until he gets a piece of the hip he can use to break free. Damn, Lafayette don’t play!

Tara and Sookie are catching up in the back of Merlotte’s. Tara admits that staying with Maryann is getting weird. Sookie asks Tara to move in with her. Tara will think about it. When Sookie is leaving she runs into Maryann. She doesn’t take to her and can hear some weird chanting going on in Maryann’s head. Sookie reminds Tara to think about moving in with her and Maryann doesn’t seem to like that at all.

Lafayette gets out and makes his way upstairs to the bar of Fangtasia. He tries to get out, but runs into Ginger who has a gun. She’s shaky and ends up shooting him in the leg.

At Jesus Camp, this skanky Britney Spears type sings a Jesus pop song. Jason, Steve and Sarah’s new favorite, gets picked for a little role-playing activity with Sarah. During which, Jason has flashbacks to Eddie’s murder.

Bill leaves Jessica home alone while he runs out to find her suitable clothes. Jessica sheds crocodile tears of blood and convinces Sookie to take her to her parents house so she can see them through the window.

At the mall, Bill is hit on by a sales woman and he shoot her down. Eric shows up with his new boy band haircut and highlights. The sales girl thinks they’re gay. Anyway, Eric wants Bill’s permission to take Sookie to Dallas so she can help him find Godric, the missing master vamp, but Bill says no. Eric is all, “I was just asking to be nice, I’ma do what I want regardless.” That’s hot.

At Merlotte’s, Maryann’s presence seems to have an effect on everyone there. People are getting increasingly sexual and sensual and dancing all over each other. Eggs shows up and tells Tara he wants to be with her.

 

Sitting outside of Jessica’s house Sookie apologizes to her for being the reason Bill had to turn her into a vamp. Before they can get into it anymore, Jessica breaks her promise and rushes to the house. Her mother is happy to see her and invites them in.

At Jesus Camp, Luke starts hating on Jason. He warns that he’s on to Jason. Jason remembers being nice to Eddie while he was tied up in his basement and tries to push the images from his pretty and empty head.

Everyone at Merlotte’s is dancing and practically having sex. One lady displays black eyes while she dances. Sam pulls Maryann into his office and demands to know what she’s up to. She does her vibrating thing and he turns into a whimpering dog. She warns that she can do that anytime she wants to in front of his customers.

Jessica’s father comes home and starts to yell at her for running off. She fangs out on his ass.

Chow contemplates eating Lafayette, but Pam says they have to wait for Eric. Eric gives Lafayette a choice between bleeding to death or being eaten. He proposes Plan C – turn him into a vampire. Eric says he’ll take it under advisement but in the meantime, he, Pam and Chow feast on Lafayette.

Jessica’s father accuses her of letting herself be turned. She is about to eat his ass when Bill knocks down the door and commands her to stop. Sookie starts thanking Jesus for him being there, and he tells her to shut the hell up. It’s the best part of the episode. He needs to be invited inside before he can help and he glamours Jessica’s little sister into doing it.

Once inside, he throws Sookie out and claims he has to clean up her mess (though, if Jessica really wanted to go home she could have done so at anytime without a ride from Sookie, but whatever.) Sookies begs him not to kill the family. He growls and we have credits.

I suspect he’ll just glamour the hell out of everyone and then grab Jessica and beat dat ass. What do you think?

True Blood S2 E1 – “Nothing But the Blood”

Previously on True Blood: Vampire Bill moves to Bon Temps and mind-reading waitress Sookie falls for him. Women who associate with vampires begin to turn up dead and Sookie’s brother, Jason, becomes the main suspect. The killer claims the life of Sookie’s grandmother. Lafayette, the gay short order cook and sometimes vampire blood dealer, beats up three rednecks that imply that his food has AIDS in it. Later, those three rednecks firebomb a house killing three vampires. Eric, the vampire leader of the area warns the patrons of Merlotte’s that they can sense when a human has wronged their kind.

Sam, the owner of Merlotte’s where Sookie and Lafayette work, is a shapeshifting dog that becomes involved with Tara, the black bartender with the potty mouth and alcoholic mother, after Sookie ignores him for Bill. Tara, who is also Lafayette’s cousin, pays for an exorcism for her mother (who sobers up afterwards) and herself. Turns out the woman performing the exorcisms was a phony.

A mysterious woman from Sam’s past, Maryann, moves to town and befriends Tara. Bill has to turn a young girl into a vampire as penance for killing a fellow vampire to protect Sookie. Jason and his new girlfriend, Amy, kidnap one of Lafayette’s blood suppliers and kill him. Amy becomes the serial killer’s last victim. The killer is Rene, the fiance of another Merlotte’s waitress, Arlene. Lafayette goes missing.

And now…

Tara and Sookie help a drunk Detective Andy to his car. They find a dead body in the back. Tara worries that it’s Lafayette. It’s not Lafayette, but a woman whose heart was ripped out and her face is frozen in terror. The woman is Ms. Janette who performed the fake exorcisms on Tara and her mother. Tara screams her head off.

And we have credits…

The cops are on the scene and Sookie listens to everyone’s thoughts. She knows Tara is lying to the cops when she says she hasn’t seen the woman before.

The sheriff tells Andy’s drunk ass that he’s not working the case because he’s over-worked and drunk. Andy takes offensive at being called over-worked. Sookie gets Tara to admit how she knew the murdered woman. She tells her she has to tell the cops the truth.

Bill is laying down the law to the vampire he turned, Jessica. She has a curfew and she has to recycle. She takes it as a compliment when he tells her that her make-up makes her look like a hooker. Sookie calls to say she’s gonna be coming over later.

Jason reads a book by the head of the Fellowship of the Sun ministries – an anti-vampire religious group.

Tara tells the police about the exorcism and they don’t believe her. Kenya, the cop who arrested Tara for drunk driving, brings up the fact that Tara claimed to have crashed after swerving to avoid a big pig and naked woman in the road. They accuse her of having an active imagination.

So, vampires are real, but you have a hard time swallowing a naked woman in the road?

Tara’s mother arrives and doesn’t want to believe that Ms. Janette was a fraud. She says that because she is clean and sober she is proof that there was no scam.

In a damp basement four people are shackled to poles that turn a gear in the ceiling. One calls out, “bucket” and they all push their poles to turn the gear and let the man close to a bucket. He poops in it. GROSS!

Someone drags a screaming man down to the basement and shackles him to a pole and then releases another man and drags him away. The new guy is the redneck that burned his arm when he firebombed the vampires and he recognizes Lafayette! Awww, they got poor Lafayette looking like Amistad!

Sookie arrives at Bill’s and Jessica interrupts their quiet moment. Sookie is salty because Bill failed to mention (in two weeks) that he turned a vampire for her.

Maryann arrives at the police station to pick up Tara and pretty much smacks her mother down for being a horrible mother.

Reverend Newlin debates with Nan Flanagan, the head of the American Vampire League, on TV. His father started Fellowship of the Sun. After the debate he and his wife sign copies of his father’s book. Jason is excited when Maury (the man who bailed Jason out of jail) introduces him to Newlin and his wife. They try to get him to attend a leadership conference but Jason can’t afford it. They tell him to pray on it.

Sam shows up at Maryann’s with a bag of money.  He waits while her manservant, Carl, goes to find her. Sam remembers breaking into Maryann’s house as a teenager to steal valuables and food and getting busted. Carl interrupts his daydream to tell him Maryann is still sleeping. Sam leaves with the money.

Sookie begins to pack up her grandmother’s things. The family lawyer shows up and tells her that her great-uncle Bartlett (who molested her when she was little) is dead. She immediately wonders if a vampire did it because she admitted to Bill what her uncle had done. She finds out that he left her $11,000.

At Maryann’s, Tara hangs by the pool with Eggs, the fine young black guy that lives with Maryann. They smoke pot and he tries to kiss her but then Carl shows up with fresh Egyptian towels cockblocking. Back in the house, Maryann backhands Carl telling him nobody needed any damn towels. It’s a light backhand, but Carl goes down like a bitch.

Sookie shows up at Jason’s job digging ditches and gives him the money Bartlett left her. She doesn’t want it. Jason takes this as a sign that he belongs at the Fellowship of the Sun leadership conference. Hoyt questions why he wants to join a church that teaches hate, but Jason insists they are more than that.

Sam remembers having sex with Maryann when he was a boy. She has some funky ability going on. Arlene begs Sam to hire another waitress since their old ones keep getting murdered.

The redneck confesses his sins to Lafayette. He thinks they should do this so that if one of them gets out, they can tell the world about the other one. He prays its him and not Lafayete. He apologizes for hassling Lafayette for being gay and admits that one time, at band camp, he let a guy blow him.

Andy is drunk at Merlotte’s calling himself conducting an investigation. Arlene gets bent out of shape when she overhears some people making fun of Rene and the fact that he was the serial killer. Jason tells Sookie that he’s going away for a week to the conference. He says he is searching for answers as to why God takes people like their grandmother and his girlfriend Amy.

Sookie says that Amy was a V (vampire blood) addict. Like that makes it okay for her to be dead? Ugh, I hate Sookie. She’s annoying.

Bill is trying to get Jessica to drink/like True Blood (synthetic blood), but she ain’t having it. She complains that Eric let her feed on a guy and Bill counters that he’s not Eric. Ain’t that the truth. Eric is sexy and exciting, while Bill is all pussy whipped over Sookie.

Sookie tries to apologize to Sam for blowing him off and stringing him along when she was mad at Bill. He pretty much tells her to kiss his ass.

Andy continues his drunk investigation. The sheriff shows up and takes him off the case. He tells Andy he’s embarrassing himself.

Maryann shows up at Merlotte’s after Sam has a flashback of stealing a bunch of money from her. He tries to give her the money back, but she says that’s not what she wants. Eggs is at the bar with Tara and starts kissing her. Sam and Maryann walk in. Sam don’t look too happy.

Sookie shows up at Bill’s and after getting Jessica to leave them alone, she confronts him about Uncle Bartlett. She starts to storm out when she realizes he did kill her uncle for her, but all he has to do is move all fast and tell her that he loves her and she suddenly forgets that he murdered someone. They have sex and I want to gag.

Sookie and Bill are like Meredith and McDream on Grey’s Anatomy. BOR-ING! The supporting characters (Lafayette, Tara, Sam, Jason, etc.) are more interesting.

In the basement, redneck talks of escaping and Lafayette tells him to keep it down. Eric, the vampire leader, shows up. Turns out, they’re below the club he owns, Fangoria. When he tries to take the redneck upstairs to question him, the redneck slaps a silver cross in Eric’s face. Eric knocks him around and then bites into his side like a chicken wing. Lafayette watches at Eric rips off one of the redneck’s arms and blood splashes across Lafayette’s face.

True Blood airs Sunday nights at 9pm on HBO