True Blood – S2E8 “Timebomb”

Previously on True Blood: Andy walks in on a Maryann zombie orgy and Sam escapes from it. Sookie realizes that Hugo was the vampire traitor and Steve Newlin realizes that Sookie is Jason’s sister. Hoyt and Jessica have sex. Possessed, Eggs kills Daphne for Maryann. Barry delivers Sookie’s message to Bill, who is being held by Lorena. Eric rushes to Jesus Camp and Lorena grips up Barry. Sarah shoots Jason. Godric saves Sookie from being raped.

And now…

Zeke pleads with Godric not to kill him, “Godric, it’s me.” But Godric snaps his neck anyway. Eric arrives and bows before his maker. Godric says that Eric shouldn’t have sent the humans for him. As alarms go off, Godric orders Eric and Sookie to leave and forbids Eric from killing anyone on his way out.

Godric is a party pooper!

Jason realizes that he’s not dead and thinks he’s been spared by God. Sarah points out that it’s a paintball gun. She feels betrayed. She let him into her bed and he paid her back by being a traitor. Technically, he wasn’t in her bed, per se. She shoots him in the junk with the gun. Sarah informs Jason that they have Sookie. She calls them both vampire fuckers. Jason goes a bit white boy crazy on her ass for dissin’ his sis. He takes the gun, and her jeep, and leaves.

Jesus Camp is on lockdown! The church is being evacuated. Sookie wants to know where Bill is, Eric stalls. Sookie figures out that Godric is Eric’s maker. Eric uses the perfect little Jesus Camp I’m a Little Wanker accent to pose as a member of the church in order to get by some guards. He starts to glamour one as another gets suspicious. Sookie warns him and Eric beats some ass. Sookie stops him from killing one. They search for an exit but are surrounded by a bunch of Jesus Campers. They look suspiciously like tea-bagging, ultra-Conservative, fringe birthers at a Healthcare Reform town hall meeting. Complete with crosses and weapons!

Eric assures Sookie he’ll be fine and is willing to take Godric’s place.

Lorena wants to eat Barry, and even though he is obviously weak, Bill refuses. What a pussy. I wonder if I’ll like Sookie more when she hooks up with Eric. Oh, you know it’s coming! Lorena bites into Barry and realizes his blood tastes different. While she’s distracted, Bill knocks her out with a flat-screen TV. He grabs Barry and runs out. Bill then rushes in on Hoyt and Jessica having sex.

“I don’t know what you heard, but those were cries of pleasure!,” Hoyt says proudly.

Bill tells him that if he truly cares for Jessica, he’ll drive her back to Bon Temps before the sun rises.

At Merlotte’s, Lafayette reads Tara’s tarot cards. He says she’ll have to make a choice soon. He’s about to read her future when Eggs rushes in needing her help. Lafayette leaves to clean up and Eggs admits that he’s lost a few hours. He blacked out and doesn’t remember anything after dropping Tara off at work and driving off. Tara asks Lafayette to close up alone – he’s been eavesdropping.

Jason arrives at the church and convinces the guards outside to let him in. When one realizes Jason has a paintball gun, Jason has to knock his ass out.

Sam is asleep in his car when he gets a call on his cell. The call is coming for his bar, but no one answers. Of course, he heads over there! He finds Daphne, sans heart, in the freezer. He starts to wrap her up in garbage bags, but decides to call 911. As the call is connected, the cops show up at Merlotte’s.

At Sookie’s house, Maryann cooks Daphne’s heart.

At the church, Eric is tied up in silver chains and offers himself up once again for Godric and Sookie’s release.

Sacrifice never looked sexier.

Steve considers tying Sookie up to Eric so they can roast together. Bill rushes in and demands Sookie be let go. Steve holds a gun on Sookie. From the balcony, Jason shoots Steve in the hand and then forehead with the paint gun. Bill uses that time to grab Sookie, but she pushes off to let Eric loose. Eric grips up Steve, but Sookie yells for him not to kill the minister while Jason yells, “Kill him! Kill the motherfucker!”

Steve says that they are all willing to be martyred before God. He’s about to get his wish. Stan and some other redneck vampires show up. Stan says that they will kill them all just like they killed Steve’s father.

Stan the Man!

The vampires move like the lightning and grab members of the church while Eric watches, with his sexy ass. Godric shows up and orders the vampires to stop. He says the members of the church didn’t harm him. Again with the party pooping!  He offers Steve a truce, but Steve is a little bitchass. Steve tells Eric to kill him, Jesus will protect him.

Steve is about to meet HIS maker.

Godric is all, “I’m older than Jesus. Wish I coulda rolled with him, but I missed it.” Godric asks the Jesus Campers who is willing to die for Steve. If they could, I’m sure they all would have taken two big ass steps backwards, but it’s hard to move when you’re gripped up by vamps. Godric sends them all home. The vampires are all disappointed they won’t be eating. Eric asks Sookie if she’s okay, and Bill is all, “I got this.”

Jason apologizes for letting the church brainwash him. Steve jumps in and says they will see who goes to heaven and who goes to hell. Jason says he’s already been to heaven… inside Steve’s wife! He punches Steve and tosses him the honesty ring. Bill pulls Jason back as Jason taunts Steve with, “White suit motherfucker!”

At Merlotte’s, Sam defends himself to the Sheriff Bud and Kenya – an anonymous tip called in the body in his freezer. Sam says he’s being set up. The sheriff points out that Sam has no past on paper and that his whole life is suspicious. Andy staggers in and Kenya wants to throw him out. Andy tells Bud and Kenya about he orgy when they tried to kill Sam.

“The bull… with claws. A bull. In a dress. With claws.”

Funniest line of the night.

Andy wants Sam to back him up, but he knows they won’t believe him.

At Sookie’s house, Tara tries to comfort Eggs who is freaked out by his blackout. Maryann calls them into the dining room for a snack she has prepared for them: Hunter’s Souffle. Main ingredient? Daphne’s heart. As Tara cuts into it, blood spills all over the plate. Tara and Eggs don’t seem to notice as they dig in and moan over how good it is. Maryann watches and smiles.

Back in Dallas, at a really nice house (Godric’s?), all the vamps welcome Godric home. Godric expresses his gratitude to Jason and tells him he’s welcome in their territory any time he wants. Eric approaches Jason after and tells him that back home Jason is known as a vampire blood user and dealer. Jason swears he’s done with that. Eric says his good deeds that night will erase what he did before, but he better not get caught doing it again. Jason pisses his nut-hugger jeans and promises he won’t.

"My V-doing days are over! I swear on my honesty ring. Oh. Wait."

Sookie wants to know why Bill didn’t come rescue her. He says he was held against his will. Before he can go into specifics Eric walks up and Sookie blasts him for letting her walk into a trap just to save his maker. He explains that the bond between a maker and his vamp is stong. Bill doesn’t like where the convo is going.

Back in Bon Temps, Hoyt and Jessica arrive at Bill’s house. Jessica wants to have sex again, but stops when she realizes that her vampire healing abilities apply to her hymen as well. She’s a virgin all over again. She cries and runs upstairs.

Bill warns Eric to stay away from Sookie. Isabel comes in with Hugo who is all jacked up from his ass-whupping by Zeke. Godric spares Hugo’s life and tells him that he is no longer safe in their territory. Once again, Bill is about to tell Sookie about Lorena, but Jason shows up wanting to talk to Bill alone.

Sheriff Bud and Kenya put Sam in a cell. The medical examiner is also in jail with some other townfolk. He’s accused of sodomizing a tree. Damn! Maryann has some serious mojo.

Jason apologizes for the way he had regarded Bill and his relationship with Sookie. Bill accepts his apology and they share an awkward hug. Inside, Eric tends to Godric who says that he was treated kindly by the church. He points out that after thousands of years in existence, vampires have not evolved. Godric says they need to find a way to live with the humans in the church. Eric looks like he ain’t tryna hear that shit.

At Sookie’s, Eggs and Tara are full off of the heart stew. They giggle and marvel at how good they feel. They start smacking each other around and then have sex on the floor. Maryann listens and smiles in the other room.

A mystery person exits a car and makes their way into the vampire party house.

Lorena arrives at the party and zeroes in on Sookie. Bill shows up and Lorena lets it out that they spent two nights together in the hotel room. When Lorena starts to touch Bill, Sookie smacks her hand away. Sookie provokes Lorena and wont listen when Bill tells her to stop.

“Go find someone else you fucking bitch! You’ve lost this one!”

Lorena vamps out and is about to light Sookie’s ass up when Godric grips up Lorena and orders her to stop and then leave.

GODRIC IS A PARTY POOPER!!

Lorena cries as Bill escorts her out of the house. He informs her they will not be seeing each other again. I feel bad for her.

The mystery person enters the house and it’s Luke. You know, the Lukinator. Jason wants to know what he’s doing there, but he orders Jason to stay away from him. He addresses the room, introduces himself as a member of Jesus Camp, says he has a message from Steve Newlin, and then reveals the explosives and ammo chained to his chest. He goes to press the detonator.

The end.

OK, a few things.

1. Did Godric go w/ the Fellowship of the Sun willingly? Eric theorized last week that a vampire as old and strong as Godric couldn’t have been taken so easily by humans.

2. Where the hell was he? When Sookie was calling for him when they were first thrown in the basement, he didn’t answer. Granted, it was daytime. But when he showed up to rescue her from Zeke, he did so quite easily. Where was he being held that he could so easily get out and enter the cage?

3. Why did Zeke say, “Godric, it’s me,” like they were friends?

4. If Godric is so anti-violence against humans, why did he kill Zeke? Why not just knock him out so that Sookie and Eric could escape?

5. If Steve did send Luke, how the frak did they know where to find all the vamps?!!

I smell a rat.

True Blood airs Sunday night at 9pm on HBO