The Amazing Race 14: Gorilla? Gorilla? Gorilla?

Previously on The Amazing Race: A whole bunch of stuff I didn’t see because I only half paid attention thinking it was TiVo’ing upstairs. It wasn’t. I see Christie and Jodi were eliminated.

And now…

The teams start off in northwestern India.

Tammy and Victor leave first at 10:21a.m. They’re flying to Thailand. Using only a picture for a reference, they have to find a gorilla statue. Tammy has been to Thailand before, but with her parents and they kept her on lockdown.

Mel and Mike leave next. The only Thai the dad knows is Mai Tai. *rim shot*

They’re going to Phuket, and I giggle pronouncing it Fuck-It. Don’t judge me!

The redhead cheerleaders, Jaime and Cara, are so obnxious. One doesn’t like foreign languages, she doesn’t like noise… ugh. Every season they cast two pretty, pageant-like, white girls that just don’t respect other cultures. It’s annoying.

The black girls get jumped by some Indian kids who are starving and want money. That’s just sad.

All teams end up on the same flight to Phuket, Thailand.

One of the redheads is condescending in Thailand too. “Do you know what a race is, cab driver?”

"Bitch, do you know what getting out and walking is?"

All the teams jump out of their cabs and assault the locals with their gorilla picture. “Gorilla? Gorilla? Gorilla?” Once they find out it’s at the zoo, they’re off.

Jaime and Cara get there first and find out that their first task is to take a picture with a tiger.

Mel and Mike, for some stupid ass reason, are going to the beach.

The tiger handler has one arm. I shit you not. One. Arm. Not a good sign.

Kisha and Jen reason that if the tiger didn’t eat the two midget stuntmen, then they’d be alright. Kisha says that they are each about the size of the trainer’s missing arm. LMAO!

Next task is to lay on the ground and let an elephant walk over you and then squat.

My ass would be sooo eliminated.

Mark and Michael, tiny stuntmen, are in first place. They head to the next task where they have to ask the owner of an herb shop to open one of 99 herb drawers until they find a clue.

Mel and Mike finally decide to ask for help finding the gorilla statue, but no one knows where it is. Why they didn’t just stop when everyone else did is beyond me.

At the herb shop, Jaime and Cara yell at the owner. They are annoyed because he doesn’t speak English. Bitches, you’re in Thailand. He’s not obligated to speak your language.

Mark and Michael, the tiny tots, get their clue first and face a Detour. They have to choose between 100 barrels or 2 miles. In barrels, they have to prepare a fishing ship for ten days at sea. They will fill 47 barrels with drinking water to last the trip, and then move the remaining barrels to the roof. In 2 miles, they have to navigate a rickshaw (sp) through the streets for 2 miles. They choose the rickshaw.

Mel and Mike FINALLY find the zoo and complete the tasks.

Jaime and Cara are still at the herb shop. Other teams have come and gone. Good for them. After yelling some more, they finally pick a drawer with a clue. Damnit. I wanted them to be there all night.

Mel and Mike are at the herb shop, and having such a good time picking the empty drawers. I like them.

Shorty Stuntmen pump the tires of their rickshaw and then pile all the other pumps and tools into a crate to make it harder for the other teams. Never trust a midget! They have a cabbie lead them to the end of the detour and they follow in the rickshaw.

Tammy and Victor take off without filling their tires because they don’t see the equipment in the crate. Hahahaha. Other teams do the same thing.

Shorty Do-Wops make it to the pit stop first. BUT they incur two 30-minute penalties. One for hiding the pumps and another for hiring a cabbie to lead them to pit stop. They sit out their penalty under a tree and look just like Keebler Elves.

I'm just saying.

Margie and Luke struggle with the rickshaw challenge because he can’t hear her. Mel and Mike work through the barrel challenge.

Tammy and Victor arrive before the little dudes’ penalty is up and they win a trip. Jaime and Cara are team number 2. The shrimpy shrimp shrimps are hatin’.

Margie and Luke make it to the pit stop and it’s so obvious Margie is struggling. Yet, Phil still does the dramatic pause thing before telling them they are team number 4.

Cute, but evil.

They celebrate, and then Margie faints. Phil is so great taking care of her and whispering to her to breathe. *sigh*

Kisha and Jen finish the barrel challenge before Mel and Mike and head for the pit stop. BUT their cab driver drops them off at the wrong place and Mel and Mike finish and jump in a cab.

Kisha and Jen get in a cab that doesn’t seem to be moving. But they still make it before Mel and Mike. Mel and Mike are eliminated. Going to the beach screwed them.

So long. Farewell.