Survivor: Tocantins Recap

Previously on Survivor: The tribes merge and Joe is sent home because his leg was all grody. I missed this episode because my TiVo ate it.

Previously on Survivor “The Biggest Fraud in the Game”: Coach McDouchebag tells this big ass lie about being captured in the Amazon and beaten by the indigenous people there. I want to gauge my eyes out with a pen, but I need the pen to write my biology final study notes.

Where did they find this guy?! He claims that the morning yoga/martial arts movements he does every day are passed down verbally from Tibetan monks.

There are so many alliances that I can’t keep them straight. JT is in like four of them!

Brendan is voted out. Damn it! Coach McAsshole lives to see another day.

Previously on Survivor – “It’s Funny When People Cry”: Sierra is forced to kiss Coach’s douchey ass in order to stay in the game. She’s treated like shit the whole episode, particularly by Tyson. Later, Tyson is blindsided at Tribal Council and voted out. I nearly bust a blood vessel yelling so hard. Thank God!

Previously on Survivor – “They Went Bananas”: Sierra tries to stir things up and get either Coach or Debbie voted out, but it doesn’t work. Sierra is voted out.

Previously on Survivor – “The Ultimate Sacrifice”: Taj wins a day with her husband on Exile Island and everyone else gets a family-member visit at camp. Debbie tries to make a move against Coach, but is voted out instead.

The Martyr Approach

Coach is shocked that Debbie was sent home. The group tells him that they didn’t tell him she was leaving because she tried to get him out and they didn’t want her to lie and turn Coach against them. He believes it ’cause the plan revolves around him and he believes that everything revolves around him anyway.

Coach doesn’t want to go to Exile Island because his asthma that he’s never mentioned before is acting up. Stephen thinks they should send his ass and I agree.

At the luxury challenge, they have to make their way through a maze with their ankles tied, then make a pole long enough to knock over three targets. Coach just follows J.T. ’cause he’s a loser. J.T. wins. He sends Coach to Exile Island. Coach says he’s going to not eat, drink, or sleep… just meditate. Erin calls him out for wanting to put himself in the position of having the worst Exile experience. She’s dumb for doing it, but she’s not wrong. J.T. picks Stephen to go with him on the luxury reward.

They shower and eat a lot of food during their reward.

Coach returns in time for the immunity challenge. He comes limping in with a cane. I want to beat him with it. The challenge is to hold themselves up with their arms between two walls. All mind over matter so Coach should ace it, right? It comes down to Coach and J.T. J.T. says he’d step down for a steak and beer. I could beat him with Coach’s cane too. They’re up there for 50 minutes when I notice that Coach has RINGS ON HIS TOES!

What a douchebag.

Coach drops down after letting out a primal yell. He falls to the ground in the fetal position. He says his back is all messed up. Jeff offers to have medical look at it, but he refuses.

Coach is convinced that Erin is leaving. At Tribal, he recites a poem before everyone can vote. Please God, let a swift wind come and push his scrawny ass into the tribal fire. Please!

Because God is good, Coach is not pushed into the fire, but he is sent home. Thank God for Stephen.

Finale is Sunday night. Woohoo!

William Douchespeare