Survivor: Tocantins Recap

Previously on Survivor: The tribes merge and Joe is sent home because his leg was all grody. I missed this episode because my TiVo ate it.

Previously on Survivor “The Biggest Fraud in the Game”: Coach McDouchebag tells this big ass lie about being captured in the Amazon and beaten by the indigenous people there. I want to gauge my eyes out with a pen, but I need the pen to write my biology final study notes.

Where did they find this guy?! He claims that the morning yoga/martial arts movements he does every day are passed down verbally from Tibetan monks.

There are so many alliances that I can’t keep them straight. JT is in like four of them!

Brendan is voted out. Damn it! Coach McAsshole lives to see another day.

Previously on Survivor – “It’s Funny When People Cry”: Sierra is forced to kiss Coach’s douchey ass in order to stay in the game. She’s treated like shit the whole episode, particularly by Tyson. Later, Tyson is blindsided at Tribal Council and voted out. I nearly bust a blood vessel yelling so hard. Thank God!

Previously on Survivor – “They Went Bananas”: Sierra tries to stir things up and get either Coach or Debbie voted out, but it doesn’t work. Sierra is voted out.

Previously on Survivor – “The Ultimate Sacrifice”: Taj wins a day with her husband on Exile Island and everyone else gets a family-member visit at camp. Debbie tries to make a move against Coach, but is voted out instead.

The Martyr Approach

Coach is shocked that Debbie was sent home. The group tells him that they didn’t tell him she was leaving because she tried to get him out and they didn’t want her to lie and turn Coach against them. He believes it ’cause the plan revolves around him and he believes that everything revolves around him anyway.

Coach doesn’t want to go to Exile Island because his asthma that he’s never mentioned before is acting up. Stephen thinks they should send his ass and I agree.

At the luxury challenge, they have to make their way through a maze with their ankles tied, then make a pole long enough to knock over three targets. Coach just follows J.T. ’cause he’s a loser. J.T. wins. He sends Coach to Exile Island. Coach says he’s going to not eat, drink, or sleep… just meditate. Erin calls him out for wanting to put himself in the position of having the worst Exile experience. She’s dumb for doing it, but she’s not wrong. J.T. picks Stephen to go with him on the luxury reward.

They shower and eat a lot of food during their reward.

Coach returns in time for the immunity challenge. He comes limping in with a cane. I want to beat him with it. The challenge is to hold themselves up with their arms between two walls. All mind over matter so Coach should ace it, right? It comes down to Coach and J.T. J.T. says he’d step down for a steak and beer. I could beat him with Coach’s cane too. They’re up there for 50 minutes when I notice that Coach has RINGS ON HIS TOES!

What a douchebag.

Coach drops down after letting out a primal yell. He falls to the ground in the fetal position. He says his back is all messed up. Jeff offers to have medical look at it, but he refuses.

Coach is convinced that Erin is leaving. At Tribal, he recites a poem before everyone can vote. Please God, let a swift wind come and push his scrawny ass into the tribal fire. Please!

Because God is good, Coach is not pushed into the fire, but he is sent home. Thank God for Stephen.

Finale is Sunday night. Woohoo!

Survivor: Tocantins “One of Those Coach Moments”

Previously on Survivor: Brendan and Sierra find the hidden immunity idol at Timbira and Taj and Stephen find the Jalapoa idol. JT wants to vote out Spencer. Taj goes black girl crazy, but doesn’t get voted out. Spencer gets the boot. 11 are left, who leaves tonight?

Jalapao – Night 15:

JT is not sorry to see Spencer go.

The next morning, Sydney is worried that if they lose again, she’ll go home. Joe pretty much admits that though Taj is the stronger player, if they lose again she will go home over Sydney because Sydney is hot. Dumbass.

And she ain’t even that hot!

And we have credits…

Timbira – Day 16

It looks like a prison camp.

Beans are done cooking and Coach adds dirty river water to it. He says it makes the beans taste better. The rain comes and he doesn’t even tend to his nasty concoction. He gets into the shelter with everyone else. When  the rain stops, the beans are ruined. I’d have kicked him in the junk.

Jalapao – Day 16

Their beans are juuuust fine.

Taj wants to tell JT about the idol. Stephen ain’t feeling it. He wants Taj all to himself… and the idol.

Luxury Challenge – Each tribe has five minutes to build a barracade in the other tribe’s frame. Then they have to toss ceramic pigs into their frame and if they break or drop the pigs, it doesn’t count. Most pigs win. They get to eat if they win.

They have ten minutes to toss pigs one at a time. Timbira scores first. they take a lead, but Jalapao starts to catch up. Sydney takes a lot of hard hits when she catches the pigs against her bony frame.

With three minutes left, Jalapao takes the lead. Woohoo! BUT.. Timbira wins. Ugh. I don’t want Coach to win ANYTHING.

Timbira picks Joe to go to Exile Island, and he picks Erin because when they merge, he wants someone to flip. He says his charm game is strong.

Timbira – Day 16

They go to their reward; the perfect all-American picnic.

At Exile Island, Erin and Joe realize the idols are at the camp.

Jalapao – Day 16

Stephen and Taj realize that when Joe gets back he’ll know right away where the idol is, and then figure out that Taj has it. They decide to make a fake idol to put in it’s place. Taj makes an arts and crafts project and hides it in tree mail.

JT and Stephen are going fishing and JT picks up a bag (Taj’s) and finds the idol. He approaches Stephen who is caught off guard and doesn’t display the appropriate amount of shock. He tells Taj that she should tell JT and she does. Now it looks good. It looks like she was honest. JT laps it up.

At the immunity challenge – Each tribe uses a sling shot to break a tile and release sand, which reveals bag and puzzle piece. Gather your pieces and complete the puzzle first.

JT shoots for Jalapao and Tyson for Timbira.

Timbira gets a lead working on their puzzle. Brendan and Erin work on Timbira’s puzzle while Stephen and Joe work on Jalapao’s. Timbira wins. Ugh!

Jalapao Day 18 - Joe finds the fake idol. He tells Sydney they’re voting out Taj. JT and Stephen try to convince Joe to vote out Sydney. JT and Stephen consider backstabbing Taj.

At Tribal Council – It’s so clear it’s between Sydney and Taj. Taj tries to work the angle that she might be able to flip some Timbira folks her way. Sydney says that she will remain loyal because she doesn’t know any Timbira folks Time to vote!

Sydney is voted out 3-2. This makes me happy because she has not been playing the game. She hasn’t made any moves. Why should she stay? Cause she’s cute and she gives Joe a boner? Bump that!

Bye!

Survivor: Tocantins Weeks 4 & 5

Week 4: The Strongest Man Alive

Previously on Survivor: Timbira dominated early. Taj and Brendan form a secret cross-tribal alliance; they’re gonna bring in Sierra and Stephen. Jalapao begins to dominate. Timbira votes out Candace, then Jerry. Coach wants to be the leader, but some of the tribe thinks it should be Brendan. Jalapao has 7 people left, Timbira, 6.

And now….

Timbira Night 9 -

After tribal council Coach is still salty ’cause Erin said he’s not a good leader.

Day 9 –

Brendan thinks they should all just vote and make a decision as to who should be leader. Coach steps aside so Brendan can be leader. In his confessional though, he still talks smack. He’s such a douche.

Jalapao Day 10 –

The tribe is concerned that Exile Island is wearing Taj down. She’s more concerned with getting Stephen alone to bring him into her alliance.

I love Stephen.

Timbira –

Tree mail suggests some kind of endurance competition for supplies. Brendan hasn’t had a chance to speak with Sierra about the alliance yet.

Luxury Challenge – Weights are added to tribe members’ shoulders until all but one drops. The winner gets to raid the other tribe for two items. And then there’s the whole Exile Island thing. Sierra, Stephen and Spencer sit out for their tribes.

Joe, Taj, JT – Jalapao weight bearers.

Debra, Brendan, and Tyson – Timbira weight bearers.

Joe and Brendan get the first weighs. JT and Tyson get the second set of weights. Brendan and Taj get some in the third round. It’s 20lbs each round.

Brendan could have broken Rupert’s 220lb record, but he drops out.

JT is at 220lbs. He’s tied the record. He’s awesome.

Tyson drops out at 14olbs.

Joe and JT drop out. It’s between Debra and Taj with 100lbs each.

Taj is solid as a rock. Debra looks like she’s going to crap her shorts.

Jalapao wins! Taj is classy and congratulates Deb.

Sierra is picked to go to Exile Island, but because she doesn’t know the plan, she picks Taj to go with her instead of Stephen.

After the challenge, Timbira ponders what Jalapao will take. They hope to convince Joe and JT not to take their beans. They go right for the beans. But they don’t take both sacks, just one and a watering can.

Sandy proves ungrateful and thinks they should have taken all the beans. She’s also starting to get on Sydney’s nerves. Sandy is hatin’ on Sydney ’cause she’s hot and flirting with the boys.

Exile Island Day 10 -

Taj gets the urn with the clue. It confirms that the idol is at tree mail. Taj fills Sierra in on the plan and she loves it!

Timbira Day 11 -

Everyone wants to relax. Tyson rocks a loin cloth and everyone thinks it’s funny. It’s not. It’s gross and hard to look at. Erinn agrees with me. She finds she can’t connect with the rest of her tribe. She just went through a bad break-up at home.

Immunity Challenge – One member at a time races out for puzzle pieces, the pieces are put in place and then rotated to reveal a phrase. Taj sits out.

Jalapao has a lead until Sydney loses it. They pretty much start their puzzles at the same time, but Timbira wins. The phrase was, “Escape the vote. Timbira/Jalapao wins immunity.”

Jalapao Day 12 –

Back at camp, Taj isn’t surprised that they lost. She wants an opportunity to speak with Stephen alone. Taj, Stephen, JT, and Sandy discuss Sydney going home. JT is unsure. I love him for not being swayed by a blonde with nice ta-tas.

When asked what part of the game they love, Stephen says he likes meeting people he wouldn’t normally meet. Sydney says she likes being sneaky. JT is all, “I’m glad you told me that.”

At Tribal Council –

Jeff brings up that Sandy had such an awful start ’cause that’s his job to bring up the butt-clenching questions. Sandy brings up the fact that Sydney wears JT’s boxer shorts. Sydney has to defend her flirtatious ways. Taj is all, “I don’t care who they want to hook-up with, Taj is gonna be okay!”

Time to vote…

Sandy – 4

Sydney – 1

Joe – 1

I really thought Sydney was going. Poor Sandy. She didn’t see it coming.

Both tribes are now even. It’s on!

Week 5 – You’re Going to Want That Tooth

Previously on Survivor: Because of the new Exile Island twist, Brendan and Taj have formed a cross-tribal alliance. They bring in Sierra and Stephen from their tribes. Brendan has found his idol at Timbira, and though Taj knows where it is (tree mail), she hasn’t had time to look for it. Jalapao votes out Sandy.

And now…

Jalapao Day 13 -

Stephen scratches Taj’s back and he says, “I’ve never brought such pleasure to a woman before,” as she moans. They head off to tree mail and find the idol.Taj tells Stephen to hold on to the idol because no one will suspect him of having it. He’s all, “Since I have it, it’s mine.” Um, yeah. Don’t tell that sistah that.

At Timbira –

Sierra and Brendan are alone and Sierra tells him she’s in on the plan. They pat themselves on the back.

At the Luxury Challenge -In rounds, a tribe member will be seated on spinning platform as another member races and causes it to spin. The dizzy tribe member then has to walk across a balance beam to a mat to score… they win a trip to a Charmin Cafe (Holy, product placement, Batman!)

Jalapao wins. They pick Brendan to go to Exile Island, and when Brendan picks Stephen, Jalapao think he’s classy, but Tyson smells a rat.Damn!

At the Charmin Cafe -

Jalapao eat so much sweet stuf and coffee, they’re totally gonna need the toilet provided. They’re also provided with surprise letters from home.

At Timbira -

Tyson tells Debra and Coach that Brendan has to go next, and they can’t tell Sierra ’cause she won’t be with them. Damn you, big mouth!

Coach predicts a storm will pass them by, and because he’s a loudmouth douchebag, they get rained on.

Exile Island Day 14 –

Brendan and Stephen bond over their new alliance. Brendan is happy to find out that Stephen and Taj have found the idol.

Jalapao Day 15 –

Sydney and … some guy that I don’t even know his name! Oh, the young one. Anyway, they talk about relationships. Spencer! That’s his name. He doesn’t bring up that he’s gay.

Tree mail announces the immunity challenge and it hints at connecting with your tribe and comes with a whiffle set.

At the immunity challange - Teammates take turns launching balls via a catapult, while the others catch for points. First to five wins immunity.

During the challenge, JT loses a tooth.

Jalapao loses though. Ugh. I hate Timbira. But at least they won’t be able to get rid of Brendan.

All Jeff has for Jalapao is JT’s tooth.

Jalapao Day 15 –

Taj is pissed. Joe’s knee is swollen. And JT is still missing a tooth.

Taj kinda goes off and Joe doesn’t like it. JT and Stephen trust her. Stephen is considering letter her go home w/o the idol. Snake!

JT is pushing for Stephen though. ‘Cause JT is awesome.

Spencer makes his case, but JT doesn’t seem convinced and honestly tells him it’s between him and Taj.

At Tribal Council –

Spencer admits that his performace was pathetic. Taj owns up to blowing up at camp.

Everyone votes.

Taj -1

Spencer – 4

Buh-bye.

Survivor: Tocantins – Week 3 “Mama Said There’d Be Days Like This”

Week 3: “Mama Said There’d Be Days Like This”

Previously on Survivor: Jalapao bonds, Timbira splinters. Brendan and Taj decide to work together to figure out clues to the immunity idol. Sierra was on the chopping block until Candace opened her big mouth. Candace was sent packing. 14 are left, who will be voted out tonight?

Timbira, Night 6:

Erinn was thrown for a loop when Candace was voted out and tries to distance herself from Candace… no one is buying it. She may be next.

And we have credits…

Timbira, Day 7:

Everyone is cold and miserable. Erinn realizes she has to shine in the next challenge or else she might go home. Jerry ain’t feeling the beans. He won’t eat them for breakfast and he didn’t eat them for dinner the night before. He says he has an upset stomach. He says he’s pretending to be okay with the situation even though he’s miserable.

Jalapao:

They struggle to catch fish with their new equipment, but eventually figure it out. JT shines catching major fish for the tribe.

Luxury Challenge: Six members of each tribe are blindfolded and tied together, the remaining tribe member directs them to water and buckets so they can fill a bin to raise a flag. And then they need to get corn and raise another flag? They’re playing for patio furniture and a tarp.

Jon directs Jalapao and Debbie directs Timbira.

Timbira is a hot ass mess. Jalapao has dumped three buckets before they dump one. Jalapao kicks butt and raises both flags.

Coach is pissed. Boohoo.

Jalapao chooses Brendan to go back to Exile Island and he chooses Taj. Big mouth Jeff asks if that concerns the tribes. Well, if it didn’t, it might now!

Back at Timbira, Coach is all whiny and upset ’cause they lost so badly. Debbie feels like she let everyone down. She did. But they all equally suck. Coach says they shouldn’t go off and shit talk each other… and then he does exactly that. Tyson trips over himself to kiss Coach’s ass. Coach calls Tyson his assistant coach and Tyson is all atwitter. He thinks Coach has a schoolboy crush on him. Um, I think it’s the other way around.

At Jalapao: They celebrate their win and bask in their own awesomeness.

“We are so awesome!”

“I know, right?!”

Timbira Day 7:

They are getting all wet and miserable.

Exile Island, Day 7:

Taj picks the urn with the next clue this time. It’s surrounded by wood at their camps.

Taj and Brendan discuss each bringing in another person in case they’re not sent back for the clues next time. Taj picks Stephen and Brendan picks Sierra. They discuss a four-person alliance should they make the merge.

Jalapao, Day 8:

The tribe sleeps well with their new blankets and tarp covering their shelter. They’re hoping Timbira is miserable going into the immunity challenge.

Immunity Challenge:

Two members of each tribe race to roll a crate to their mat. Once all six crates are there they have to spell out their tribe’s name. Blah…

It’s pretty much neck-in-neck for much of the race for the crates, until Timbira gets a big lead.  Once they start working on the staircase that spells their name, Erinn takes charge and they’re pulling ahead. Then they start fussing and fall behind. Jalapao wins!!!

Jerry says he’s through. He’s finished. He knows he may be voted out.

Timbira, Day 9:

Jerry is drained. He doesn’t even bother hiding it. Has he seen this show? He says that they’re gonna have to vote him out, he’s not giving up.

Coach is annoyed that everyone seems to be ready to get rid of Jerry and ignoring Erinn. He says that she got an evil look on her face when she realized she was safe. He starts pushing for her to go.

Privately, Tyson tells Jerry to try and look strong. And tells him no one has mentioned his name to go home.

Brendan starts snooping around the tree mail area and finds the hidden idol. He hides it elsewhere.

Erinn: You don’t want to be like, “Hey, everybody, Jerry’s sick!” But you kinda wanna be like, “Hey, everybody, Jerry’s sick!!”

Tyson says he wants Erinn blindsided ’cause he likes seeing people cry when you crush their dreams. I can’t wait for him to go.

At Tribal Council:

When asked, “Who should be the leader?,” Jerry says, “Brendan.”
Coach takes offense and thinks he should be the leader. He says he led the competition with his eyes.

Erinn smirks.

Everyone votes.

Jerry – 4

Erinn – 1

Tyson doesn’t look happy.

Poor Jerry.