New Moon Movie Review

Last year I had many of my female readers all atwitter when I recommended they run, not walk, to pick up copies of the Twilight saga. We were all transported back to our teenage days when the thought of a mysterious, dangerous, and handsome boy in school would send us swooning. And though some people dismiss the Twilight books as literary fluff, I give major kudos to Stephenie Meyer. As a writer mom, I know how hard it is to find the time to sit down and finish something and it was a pretty good idea to boot.

Before going to see a movie based on a series of books, I’ll usually re-read the books to refresh my memory. Between school, the kids, and working part-time, I didn’t have the time to read New Moon again before opening night. This turned out to be a good thing. There were tidbits I’d forgotten and it made the story fresh to me.

I remember reading one of the opening scenes of New Moon while Donny drove and Kali sat in the backseat. I closed the book to tell them about the part where Bella got a paper cut at the birthday party. Twilight the movie wasn’t out yet and Kali asked if I thought New Moon would be a movie as well.  We both agreed that it would be pretty cool to see such a scene play out on the big screen.

But what should have been terrifying – a simple paper cut sets off a chain of events that finds a human girl nursing a bleeding arm in a room full of vampires – was actually comical. I blame two things. One, the actor playing Jasper (Jackson Rathbone) is horrible. Every time he’s supposed to look like he’s repressing the urge to kill Bella (Kristen Stewart), he looks more like someone that has to take a really bad poop and can’t.

Two, vampires need fangs!

Maybe Stephenie Meyer made her vamps fangless to be different, but let’s face it: a lot of the story behind the series has been done before. You’re not reinventing the wheel. Give those vampires fangs! Without them, whenever Edward and the gang bear their teeth to attack, it looks less menacing and more, “Do I have something in my teeth?” Can you imagine if she’d decided to take away the werewolves’ fur or claws? Thank you.

I was curious to see how the lack of Edward (Robert Pattinson) would be handled in this film. The movie runs over two hours and he’s in about 10-15 minutes total. After the paper cut incident (God, that sounds so damn dumb), Edward decides that it would be best if he and his vamp peeps leave town. He worries that he will cause Bella more harm than good. Nevermind the fact that Bella’s at the top of a homicidal vampire’s (redundant?) shit list, he thinks it’s best if he puts some distance between them. Knowing that Bella would pretty much lose her shit, he decides to make her think he doesn’t want to be with her anymore which makes her… you guessed it, lose her shit.

From the trailers, it looked as if Bella was spending many nights in bed writhing in pain and yelling over the breakup. And though I’m not one of those parents that feel it’s the responsibility of  TV, movies, celebrities, etc. to set examples for my daughter, there was a part of me that wanted to smack her and yell, “Man up!” And due to some bad direction, the first time we see Bella in bed screaming after the breakup, most of the girls in the audience groaned. It wasn’t until the second time it happened that we learned she was actually suffering from bad dreams, hence the screaming and twisting and turning.

Still, Bella spends the majority of the movie looking for new ways to engage in dangerous behavior because it’s the only way she can “see” Edward. His image and voice serve as a kind of Jiminy Cricket warning her not to go off with white trash strangers and jump off cliffs. I’ve long said that I don’t think Kristen Stewart can act and the first 20 minutes of the film didn’t change my mind. Then a miraculous thing happened…

Jacob (Taylor Lautner) became of the focus and suddenly there was chemistry, there was an actual love story and actual acting! When reading the books, I was totally Team Edward. Now? Not so much. I actually think Taylor Lautner made Kristen Stewart a better actor. At the very least, he made her tolerable. Unfortunately for Mrs. Meyer, Taylor made it so that anyone with a brain and functioning libibo has a hard time wondering how the hell Bella could pick Edward over Jacob. Also, unfortunately for Mr. Pattinson, he removes his shirt at the end of the film after Taylor spent the majority of it looking all kinds of right with his shirt off. I’m just sayin’.

The special effects were a vast improvemnet from Twilight. The silliness of Edward going all sparkly like he spent an afternoon in Libby Lu is forgiven any time Jacob or one of his clan wolfs out. There was some very bad dialogue and scenes that didn’t make any sense. Like when after Jacob realizes what he is and what the Cullens are, he lashes out to Bella for loving the bloodsuckers. But later when he wants to tell her about himself, he asks, “Have you ever had a secret that you couldn’t tell anyone?” Um, yeah. Didn’t we already cover that she has?

In a recent interview with Oprah, Stephenie Meyer confessed that it was her mother who suggested she add some kind of action to the original ending of Twilight… and it shows. If there’s one area where the all of the books fail, it’s the climax. The pacing is pretty good throughout each one, but suddenly it’s as if Meyer realizes she needs a big ending so she starts tossing in imminent danger, plane rides, and lots of running. It all feels both forced and jarring. New Moon only handles this slightly better than the Twilight film did.

When the Volturi come on screen I realize that Twilight suffers from the same problem as True Blood and Grey’s Anatomy: the supporting characters (Lafayette, Eric, Jessica/McSteamy, Callie, Izzy/Jacob, Volturi, Rosalie) are more interesting and compelling than the main ones we’re supposed to care about (Bill and Sookie/Meredith and Derrick/Edward and Bella.)

And again, things that end up working better on the screen only reminds those of us that have read the books how much better the books could have been. The Volturi in the film are awesome…

Except for this guy:

… but it doesn’t matter how awesome they were. Their roles are small in the upcoming films and we don’t see them again till the end of Breaking Dawn during that drawn-out battle that falls flat. Then again, what does Meyer care? The books have already been written and made her buttload of money.

New Moon is head and shoulders above Twilight as a film. The action is better paced and the ending was spot-on. It left me, and all the tweens, atwitter and counting down to the Eclipse premiere.

Going to see New Moon opening night inspired this blog.

The Best of 2008

“Great Kennedy’s Ghost!” award goes to…

During the primaries one radio disc jockey proclaimed, “Barack better stop beating on that white woman (Clinton) like that ‘fore he go to jail.”

Barack Obama’s campaign motto of “No Drama” was so fitting for such a cool cat. Reagan went from movie star to President, Schwarzenegger went from movie star to Governor, Obama may be the first to go from President to superstar.

“The Comeback of the Year” award goes to…

Forget McCain and Hillary in New Hampshire. The real comeback of the year goes to Britney Spears. Not that her album did all that well, but just the simple fact that she’s not dead yet is an achievement. Come on, how many of you laid odds she’d not see 2009? Don’t pay up just yet. There’s still a few hours left.

“Not so fast, Progress!!” award goes to…

All those who voted for Prop 8. On the same night the country elected a black president it also voted to deny homosexuals the right to marry.

“Free at last! Free at last! Free… hey, where do you two think you’re going?”

The “Way To Turn an Entire Profession Into a Joke” Award Goes To…

Joe Whatshisface. You know, the one whose name was invoked a zillion times at one of the presidential debates. The one who would have actually benefited from Obama’s tax plan. The one who claimed he’d be buying a company worth over $250k a year on his $40K a year non-licensed salary. The one who felt comfortable telling people Obama would not be a friend to Isreal based on nothing more than his desire to keep his own face in the news. The one who parlayed his 15-minutes that felt like an hour into a book deal and record deal. The one who later trash talked John McCain, a man whose shoes he’s not fit to shine. Yeah, that one.

The “Jackass Move of the Year” award goes to…

The CEOs of the big three automakers flying three separate private jets to D.C. to ask for a government bailout.

The “Most People Would Have Learned, But Not This Motherfucker” award goes to…

Dumbass O.J. Simpson proving that getting away with murder just isn’t enough for some people.

The “Foundation of the First Mother/Daughter Mutual Masturbation” award goes to…

The Twilight series. I haven’t seen mother/daughter bonding like this since a tampon commercial. You know it’s gone too far when both mother and daughter have Robert Pattinson posters and Mom takes time off from work to see him at the mall.

The “You Don’t Know How Good You Have It” awards goes to…

The people of Thailand whose prime minister was thrown in jail not for lying to the people, restricting their freedoms, and just being a general ass, but for… receiving payment for having appeared on a televised cooking show. If only it were that easy, we’d have pushed Bush to do Martha Stewart years ago.

The “Best Use of Leather” awards goes to…

Who knew Bush had such cat-like reflexes? I sure hope the Secret Service is more on the ball come January 20th. How he managed to launch that second shoe is beyond me.

And finally…

The “Most Anticipated Birth of a Baby Boy Since Jesus” award goes to…

Jack! Don’t front. Y’all know you were just as excited as we were.

What are some of your favorite memories/events of 2008?

Twilight Saga: Book Reviews

I want to say from the start that I’m not big on change.  When I get into a story, whether it be one told in books or on TV, I really get into it. If told right, I can imagine what it feels like to be in the various settings and they all feel like home. When things change I often get nostalgic for “the good old days.” Take the TV show Angel for instance. Even though I watched, and loved, it till the day it went off the air, I never did get over the change in the settings. I missed “the good old days” or Cordelia, Doyle, and Angel hanging out at, and working in, Angel Investigations. Then just when the hotel began to feel like home, they spent their last season at Wolfram & Heart.

I did not take to the changes within the Twilight series. I think if I had read all four books as they were released instead of in less than two weeks it would have been easier to tolerate the changes. But, that’s not to say that I didn’t love each book in their own way. I think it only fair to talk about each book separately and then discuss the saga as a whole. This will help with those of you not yet done with the series. You can only read about the books you’ve finished without worrying about spoilers. So, here we go.

Twilight

I didn’t know what to expect from this series. All I knew was that it was about vampires. I didn’t know that it was about a teenage girl falling in love with one. I thought the series was more…adult. I was pleasantly surprised because it didn’t feel like I was reading a teen book. Though it did strike me as just the type of story I would have delved into in my teens since I always read things a bit above my level anyway.

I did find myself having quite the teenage reaction to the story though. I was drawn to Bella in all of her awkwardness. The first interaction between she and Edward had me intrigued. Of course we knew that his outward hostility towards her was his way of trying control his desire, but little did we know it was his desire to kill her.

I loved the interaction between them as she struggled to figure out his hot and cold behavior. The rescue scene was both exciting and romantic.  I thought it set up nicely the fact that once she put the pieces together it wasn’t that much of a stretch for her to get to the whole he’s a vampire thing. Stephenie Meyer didn’t waste a lot of time having Bella try to convince herself, which was good. That would have been boring and annoying.

Though the story was about a teenage romance, it was surprisingly relatable.  I remember what it was like to feel completely disappointed when your school crush didn’t come to school and how you felt the day would just drag because of it… and then you considered ditching. Once the secret was out and the mutual attraction admitted, I enjoyed the back and forth between them and the days spent asking each other everything there was to know about each other. I thought Edward was charming and it was easy to see how she could quickly fall for him and so deeply.

Then the book took a turn. Just as it was accepted that he would allow her into his world and that they would try to be together, Meyer introduced a ridiculous threat. Everything that happened after the baseball game seemed really forced. It was as if she felt she needed some action and haphazardly tossed in James. Next thing you know Bella is spending days in a hotel room in Seattle with Jasper and Alice and I’m like, “Huh?”

Her rushing to sacrifice herself was sweet, but also kind of dumb. It just seemed like Meyer was at a loss for how to wrap up the book.

New Moon

This book did in the beginning (and the end) what each book seems to do at the end – introduce this ridiculous “problem” that sends everything you know into a tailspin. I thought the birthday party scene was great and I could feel the tension and “oh shitness” of Bella cutting her finger open and almost being attacked by Jasper. I could understand it setting into motion doubts that Edward wouldn’t be able to protect her, but to have all the Cullens leave town was just too jarring and didn’t make complete sense.

As a result, the whole book wasn’t as… exciting as the first… but it was interesting. It was almost like a new book in a new serious. I liked the easy nature of Bella’s relationship with Jacob, though I never really saw him as a true threat to her love with Edward. Therefore, at times, it seemed like a waste.

I did enjoy the moments when Bella would hear Edward’s voice warning her against doing something dumb. I thought it would have been more interesting to find out that he really was able to talk to her mentally especially in the scene where she contemplates kissing Jacob while hugging him. She wonders how easy it would be to just let herself be loved by him, even though she knows she would never truly love him back the way he wanted, when suddenly she hears Edward’s voice telling her, “Be happy.” That brought tears to my eyes.

But just like in Twilight, Meyer creates an “emergency” that jarringly takes the story to a new place. Alice assumes Bella is dead and Rosalie (who I love) tells Edward. Spitefully, perhaps? Next thing you know, Alice returns to Forks (yeah, Alice! I love her!) and she and Bella are off to Italy to save Edward from suicide by homicide. Again, I felt like the ending was a bit rushed and hard to get into because it took me out of everything I knew of the series both literally and figuratively.

Then we get to…

Eclipse

This was probably my least favorite of the four. Bella is trying to juggle her relationships with Edward and Jacob while a series of murders end up being tied to Bella and a vampire’s revenge from actions that took place in Twilight. The whole plot was confusing and in the end, really didn’t make much sense.

BUT, because I love these characters (though I found myself getting more annoyed with Bella with each book), I remainded committed. Because I enjoyed Rosalie, Alice, Charlie, and Edward, and even Jacob, I stuck it out.

The part where Jasper is explaining to the vamps and the wolves how to best fight a newborn vampire was some laugh out loud bad writing. And much like in the next book, I felt like it took too long to get to the meat, to the battle.

I really enjoyed getting more backstory on Jasper and Rosalie. Especially Rosalie’s story which was both heartbreaking and scary.

But overall, I thought the plot of Eclipse was all over the place. So much so that I don’t even remember the purpose of some of the things like the vampire sneaking into Bella’s house and stealing her clothes for her scent.

If I’m not mistaken this was the first book where we learn that it’s possible for a wolf to imprint on an infant which comes into play later in…

Breaking Dawn

By this book Bella was just plain getting on my damn nerves. I know some have offered up explanations as to why it was easy for Bella to committ to being a vampire and possibly never seeing her family again and spending eternity with Edward, but have an outright aversion to marriage. Still, it didn’t make sense to me.

I called the pregnancy almost from the beginning of the book, but I didn’t see the next “twist” coming. I thought book one ended perfectly with Bella’s frantic call to Rosalie, a most unlikely ally. It left me wanting more, and at first I was annoyed with the sudden shift to Jacob’s story, but it later proved to be perfectly paced. His attitude toward the pack as he struggled to accept that he was about to lose his best friend as she became a bloodsucker was understandable and I felt sorry for him.

Everything in this book was wonderfully told from his reaction to Bella’s pregnancy and his leaving the pack, to Seth and Leah joining him (I looove Seth), to Bella’s protectiveness over the baby and Rosalie’s protectiveness over them both. I also really enjoyed the animosity between Jacob (dog, mongrel) and Rosalie (blondie.) I thought that was a nice balance to Seth’s affection for the vampire family.

Everything in the part of the book where Bella goes into labor was great.  Even when Meyer felt the need to point out several times that Jacob refused to look at the baby as she was born, I still didn’t see the next twist coming.

But, I would like to take this time to give a big ole, “What the fuck!?” to the name Renesmee. That’s just hideous.

This was some of the best stuff of the whole series…

Everything inside me came undone as I stared at the tiny porcelain face of the half-vampire, half-human baby. All the lines tha held me to life were sliced apart in swift cuts, like clipping the strings to a bunch of balloons. Everything that made me who I was – my love for the dead girl upstairs, my love for my father, my loyalty to my new pack, the love for my other brothers, my hatred for my enemies, my home, my name, my self – disconnected from me in that second – snip, snip, snip – and floated up into space.

I was not left drifting. A new string held me where I was.

Then…

It was the baby girl in the blond vampire’s arms that held me here now.

Renesmee.

Then…

From upstairs, there was a new sound. The only sound that could touch me in this endless instant.

A frantic pounding, a racing beat…
A changing heart.

Then Book Three started and the book went to shit.

1. I felt it was a total cop-out to make Bella be almost exactly as she was as a human when she became a vampire. Was it because Meyer knew the series was ending (though she could totally milk more money with a new series follwoing an older Renesmee and Jacob) and she didn’t have time to explore a true adjustment to Bella’s new life?

2. Remember the part where Bella goes to the J. Jenks guy to get new identities for Renesmee and Jacob? Why the hell was she talking like she’d been around for hundreds of years? It’s like Meyer forgot that it made sense for the others to speak differently (they were centuries old!), and just made Bella speak like all the other vampires because that’s how she was used to writing their dialogue. But Bella should have spoken like a 17 year old alive in 2008, which she was just a few short months ago.

3. I didn’t like the rush over the part of how the old pack came to accept what happened to Bella and Renesmee’s existance. Again, it felt like Meyer crammed in important events just to get to the ultra boring and drawn out ending. I also didn’t like how cavalier Charlie finding out about Jacob was treated.

4. It took way too long to get to the part where the Volturi show up and it took way too long for them to get to the killing once they got there and then… there was little to no killing! It’s like having a bunch of foreplay only to find that once the sex starts, your partner orgasms and rolls over leaving you wanting more. (Donny wants me to point out here that he totally doesn’t do that.)

5. There were way too many vampires introduced at the end of the book and I didn’t give a damn if any of them lived. If your last name wasn’t Cullen, or you weren’t a werewolf, screw you! And you know you’ve introduced way too many characters if you have to include a Who’s Who in The Vamp World style guide at the back of the damn book!

Like I said, the ending was a little sloppy and I feel like we were set up for a bigger ending than we got. Even with all of that, I’d love to read a three or four book series set in the future where Renesmee and Jacob are together, living as two dating teenagers. Perhaps Bella and Edward have to pretend to be her older siblings. Charlie, Billy, Sue, and all the other true parents are dead. Perhaps the other half-vamp child (the boy from the end of BD… too lazy to look his name up) poses a threat to Jacob and Renesmee’s relationship as he feels her rightful place is with him, someone of his kind. Yeah, I’d read that.

Oh, and another problem I had with BD is that, like I said earlier, it was too much change too quickly. Again, people who read the books as they first came out probably don’t feel the same way. I found that I missed the other residents of Forks. I missed them attending high school. I found that the whole damn book took place in the Cullen’s house and it was kind of… boring.

So to sum up…

- The best parts of Twilight was anything regarding the courtship of Bella and Edward

- Alice is awesome

- Rosalie rocks

- Bella was annoying towards the end and I think Meyer went overboard with her insecurities. OK, we get it, she’s clumsy!

- A lot of the conflict in all the books felt forced and came on way too quickly.

- Jacob imprinting on Renesmee was the best bit of plot in the whole series. Didn’t see it coming, and it made perfect sense. As soon as I read it I thought back to something Bella had said to him about them belonging in each other’s lives but somehow, somewhere, they got off track from where they were supposed to be. To what they were supposed to mean to one another. I was happy to see that Jacob later referenced that when he was trying to defend it to a newborn vampire Bella.

I’m sure I have more swimming around in my head, but I’ll let you guys talk now.

What did you think?

If a new series were to develop based on this one, what should it be about? Who should be the major players? The narrator?

Stephenie Meyer, Where Have You Been All My Life?

I love vampire books and movies.

One vampire series that I’ve been into is the Anita Blake series by Laurell K. Hamilton. Years ago a clerk in a bookstore recommended them to me as I purchased a Buffy the Vampire Slayer calendar. In the Blake series vampires are real and everyone knows it. They live and work in our society like everyone else. They have to abide by certain laws and are even protected by some (hate crimes, y’all.) When they break these laws, that’s where Anita Blake steps in. She’s a licensed executioner. What? You think you can just lock vampires up in a jail cell?  Anita is also a reanimator. She raises the dead. If Papa dies before making his wishes clear, the family can hire Anita to raise his ass and find out who gets his golf clubs and who gets his Grandfather’s watch.  Anita falls for a vampire and a werewolf.. oh yeah, they’re real too. People can contract the lycanthrop disease and become werewolves, wererats, weretigers, swans, etc. I always pictured her werewolf lover, Richard, being played by Hugh Jackman.

Anyway, for some reason I could never get past book four or five in the series though I own them all. Reading these Stephenie Meyer books has inspired me to finally finish them.

What I want to know is why now? Why is it that it suddenly seems as if everyone I know is reading or talking about these books?  What did I miss? There are four books out so they’ve obviously been around for awhile. Why now?

Donny just got back from Walmart with book 2, “New Moon.” I’m on page 250 of “Twilight” and I suspect I’ll be done with the book by morning.

So far, what makes the book so good for me is the chemistry between the leads. It’s everything we wanted out of high school romance. It’s sexy, dangerous, and forbidden.

I just read a part where Edward, the vampire, tells Bella that he cannot give her a ride home from school because he’s leaving directly after lunch to hunt. He’s doing this to ensure he’s fed before he spends the next day with her. She says she’ll walk home. Knowing her penchant for attracting trouble, he tells her that when he leaves school he’ll go to her home and bring her truck back to school for her. Knowing that her home is locked and the key to the truck is in the pocket of a pair of dirty jeans in the laundry room, she figures she’ll be walking home. When she leaves school that day her truck is parked in the lot and there’s a note on the seat.

Be safe.

I closed the book, swooned, and said out loud, “Sweet fucking Lord.”

This is definitely a “girly” book. You’ll want your very own vampire boyfriend by page 100.

Go get the first book. Read it. THEN youtube the trailer for the movie, “Twilight” which opens this fall.

I’m In Trouble

Last night Jack went to sleep a bit earlier than usual. He started nodding off around 10:45 instead of midnight. I decided I’d go to sleep then too, just in case he only slept for a short while… I wanted to be refreshed and ready if he did. Sure enough, he awoke a little after 1am for a diaper change and feeding. While I was nursing him I started reading Twilight, the first book in Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight series.

Oh boy. Jack was drooling on my arm and instead of putting him down in the bassinet I kept holding him so I could read. I knew that I was wasting precious sleep time, but I couldn’t help it. I made the excuse that I wanted to make sure he was in a deep sleep before I put him down so I could justify holding him and not going to sleep myself. Really, I just couldn’t put the damn book down.

Some of you wanted to know what the books were about and what I thought. I’ll give you an early answer on both.

So far, the book is about a teenaged girl who moves to be with her Dad in Forks, Washington. She doesn’t really want to, but because she felt her mother wanted to be able to travel freely with her new, and younger, husband, she makes the sacrifice to move from Phoenix so that her mother would be free to do so.  She becomes curious about five pale, beautiful, and mysterious students at her new high school… one of which is Edward Cullen.

And I’ll stop there. I’m on page 83. The writing isn’t GREAT, but it’s interesting. As is the main character, Bella Swan. She kinda reminds me of Veronica Mars, but a little more vulnerable. The chemistry between Bella and Edward is insane and I find myself totally disregarding the whole vampire element (don’t worry, I’m not spoiling anything that isn’t already on the back cover of the book) because of it. It wasn’t until a page before where I am now that it actually occurred to me that the author is so far implying these five are vampires, yet they attend school during the day. How is this possible? I can’t wait to read more and find out. I’m already thinking I should have bought all four books in the series like I started to yesterday. That’s okay. Walmart isn’t far.

Why am I in trouble? Because all night/morning I chose to read that damn book instead of sleep while my newborn slept and this morning I am paying the price. We’re taking Jack to the doctor in the next fifteen minutes and I find myself excited for the wait in the office because it will be my next opportunity to read. (I can’t read in a moving car. It gives me a headache.)

Also, I got a health textbook I should be reading! Damnit to hell I don’t need this distraction.

I Have The Worst Poop Luck

Since this blog is going to be about poop I might as well address something I’ve been meaning to write about for months now…

I hate pooping.

Intellectually, I know why we need to do it. But emotionally, it bothers me. I hate everything about pooping. The way it feels, the way it smells, the time it takes, and the way a particularly nasty one can leave you feeling like you need a shower. You know what I mean. A poop so bad wiping ain’t enough. You might as well jump straight into the shower when you’re done.

Back when I used to smoke and work at MCI I would go out to big lunches almost everyday. And without fail, as soon as I got back to my desk my friend Shay would shoot me an IM and ask if I wanted to go out for a cig. We’d go smoke and as soon as we were done she’d head for the bathroom. She said after a meal and a smoke she always had to poop and she looked forward to it. It was her afternoon delight. I thought it was absolutely disgusting and preferred to do all my pooping at home. My stepfather had to start everyday with a hearty poop. He looked forward to it. If I had to begin every day with a dump I’d be one depressed bitch.

Remember the poop blog where I got poop ON not IN my hand? Remember that it got all over my platinum and diamond wedding rings and I was torn as to what to clean first, my hand or my rings? Remember the blog where I got so drunk I had it coming out both ends and I actually took a moment to ponder should I shit in the tub while vomiting in the toilet or vice versa? See? I tell you all my poop stories. Well, except one. I never told you the Poopy Pillow story. I knwo this because after it happened Donny laughed so hard with tears in his eyes and said, “You need to blog about that!” And I responded, “Shut the fuck up. No I don’t.”

Well, here’s another… that just happened like five minutes ago.

I’ve been wearing glasses since the beginning of my pregnancy. I can’t wear contacts while pregnant becasue they irritate my eyes. Also, I’ve been wearing green contacts since I was 17 and just like when Kali was born, I felt it kinda weird to have your newborn get to know you, look you in the eyes, and not see your “real” eyes. So, I wear glasses now… except when I’m up close with Jack and then I take them off because I want him to really look into my eyes. Anyway, my point again, is that I wear glasses.

A few minutes ago I went to the bathroom. I had to poop and pee. I took my new book, “Twilight,” because I can’t put the fucker down. I’m serious. I’m thisclose to scrawling Edward Cullen all over my Trapper Keeper with little hearts and arrows. So, I’m on the bowl reading and doing my thing. I wipe and then notice there’s a dead spider on the floor. Great. Either Kali or Donny killed the spider but didn’t bother to clean it up. I grab another wad of tissue and deposit the corpse in the toilet. Then, I’m not really sure what happened.

I blame the damn book. Instead of just putting the damn book down so I could pull up my pants, flush, wash my hands, etc., I’m trying to still read and do all those things and somehow my glasses fell off my face and into the pissy, poopy, spidery carcass, water.

GROSS!

If I’d stop to think about it too much, I might have just tried to flush those fuckers down the toilet with everything else. But instinct kicked in, and before I could think of the nastiness of my actions, I reached in, grabbed the glasses, and tossed them in the bathroom sink. I activated the stopper and filled the sink with hot, hot, water. I added some hand soap, and a healthy shot of Mr. Clean.

See? I have the worst poop luck!

I would share the Poop Pillow story, but it’s bad. That’s between me, Donny, the pillow, and God.