Big Brother 11 – “Go Make Jessie a Sandwich.”

Previously on Big Brother: Ronnie got called out for being a weasel. Everyone wanted him gone. But when Jessie got HOH, he put up Jordan and Michelle. Michelle won POV and took herself off the block. Everyone outside of Jessie’s clique assumed that Ronnie would get back-doored, but Jessie put up Casey instead. Natalie and Lydia fight over Jessie. Kevin came up with the brilliant idea to save Casey so he can gun after the athletes, but like all good ideas in the Big Brother house, it was quickly discarded by the house of idiots.

And now…

Julie announces that tonight the cliques will be broken up AND a new power is unleashed on the house. Ooooh! Poor Casey sits in the nomination chair wearing the banana suit he’s been forced to wear all week. Oh, the humiliation.

Casey realizes that there was little shock or outrage at his nomination. Jeff looks really hot in glasses. (Not really relevant, but it needed to be said.) Jordan points out that the only reason Ronnie is still around is because he’s Jessie’s little bitch. Suddenly, I have a new respect for Jordan… even if she can’t tell time.

Lydia sneaks into the HOH room while Jessie is sleeping and just stares at him while he sleeps. In the diary room she confesses that she likes to watch him sleep and that she hopes he’s thinking about her.

OK, that bitch is creepy.

White girl crazy.

Jordan admits that she won’t campaign because Casey has a big mouth and will most likely sink himself. Man, how could I have misjudged her so badly?

Smarter than she looks... sometimes.

Casey tells Kevin that he’s sad that everyone is acting like Jessie’s sheep. Kevin asks if he thinks he can get enough votes to stay. Kevin doesn’t want the athletes running the show. Casey points out that Lydia loves Jessie too much to flip.

“He can be laying in bed with another bitch and she’ll make him breakfast.”

True dat.

Casey puts doubts in Russell’s head that he is the low man on the athletic totem pole. He suggests an alliance between the two of them and Jeff. Russell seems open to the possibility.

Next, we have to listen to Jeff and Jordan’s families gush over what a cute couple they make. NEXT!

Then, Julie questions the houseguests on the events of the past week. When she tries to press Natalie and Lydia on the tension between them, they pussyfoot around. Proving she’s no Jeff Probst, Julie lets it go. LAME!

When she talks to Jessie in the HOH room, he plays dumb too which isn’t really hard for him. Again, Julie lets it drop because she sucks.

Casey and Jordan each give a “please don’t evict me” speech. Jordan’s is all sugar and spice and everything nice. Casey, on the otherhand, goes out like a gangsta. He thanks BB for choosing him. He apologizes to his family.

Then he calls Ronnie a dorkopotamus and says Jessie is a self-absorbed and wears smedium clothes!! Holy shit, that was funny. He also says that Jessie has a personality and IQ of a banana. It is probably the best speech ever. Chima can’t even front cause she went on her own little tangent two weeks ago.

It’s vote time. Everyone votes to evict Casey except (surprise surprise) Russell.

As Casey leaves he tells Jessie his word ain’t shit. Jessie doesn’t respond, but Natalie starts yapping at Casey’s ankles.

“What are you his pitbull? Go make Jessie a sandwich!”

GOD! Why does he have to go? He’s awesome.

Lydia hugs Natalie and calls her, “little pitbull.” Fake-ass bitch.

Julie announces to the house that the cliques are disbanded and there’s a secret power up for grabs. America will vote who receives it. The power has to be used within the next two weeks and can only be used once. The only way to guarantee your safety is to get HOH or Veto.

The power, Julie tells America, is the Coup D’etat. The power allows you to replace one or both nominees before everyone votes.

Everyone, vote for Jeff!

The new HOH competition begins. The houseguest sit on boards suspended in the air. They are spun around and hit with a giant diploma which looks like a giant penis. The first five people to drop get to pick an envelope with a secret prize in it. One has money. The last person standing gets the new HOH!

Woohoo!

Big Brother 11 – Technotronics

Previously on Big Brother: Laura tries to use her feminine wiles (read: big tits) to seduce Jughead a.k.a. Jessie, but he ain’t tryna hear it. The other athletes are intimidated by Lydia and want Jessie to nominate her. Ronnie approaches Jessie with a brains/athletes alliance. He likes the idea and considers using a brain as a pawn at nominations to mask the deal. Chima makes it easy for him to nominate her when she goes black girl crazy after her clique loses the food competition. Jessie also nominates Lydia

And now…

Lydia cries over her nomination and everyone consoles her. Chima notices this and whines to her fellow brains that no one is consoling her. They’re probably worried they’ll get that sticky-ass, shiny-ass, lip gloss on their clothes.

Jeff realizes he’s on the outs with his alliance because he didn’t know who was being nominated. Yeah, that ain’t good. He doesn’t help his cause by being one of the crowd comforting Lydia.

Ronnie tries to reassure Chima by sharing with her a secret. Not just any secret. A national one. “I’m the national champion in persuasive speaking.”

That’s like being the valedictorian of summer school. No one gives a shit.

Laura admits to Russell and DJ Casey that she (and everyone else) thought she was going up. She is upset that it was such a foregone conclusion. Why? She’s nice. She’s likable. Why the hell would Jesse nominate her?! Is it the boobs? That’s not fair.

Bitch, settle down. You’re not even nominated!

Russell and Jessie are in the HOH room discussing the fact that they lost Jeff. This makes me happy because Jeff is cute and nice and I’m pretty sure meathead douchery is contagious. He’s better off. They decide to scoop up Laura for her vote to replace Jeff. She is so happy someone is talking to her she readily agrees to be on their team.

Next, a montage of Braden being a complete fool. I like it, and I like him.

For the veto comp, Jessie pulls Russell’s name, Chima gets to pick and picks Natalie (dumbass), and Lydia pulls Jeff.

Ok, I just noticed that Chima’s top lip turns up soooo much, it touches her nose. I can’t stand it.

In the veto comp, the contestants have to pop fake zits and gather giant Scrabble tiles and then use the tiles to spell the biggest word.

Jesse thought he spelled CONTINUOUSLY but he missed a U.

Natalie had ten minutes to spell a word and came up with LAST.

Chima is disqualified because she tried to spell SUPERFICIALITY, but couldn’t find all the letters. They were probably hidden in her weave.

Russell spelled SHOTGUN.

Jeff tried to spell technotronics. That’s not even a word.

Lydia tried to spell CIVILIZATION, but couldn’t find all of the letters.

Russell wins. These people suck.

The athletes plus Laura assume that Jeff threw the veto comp.

Russell decides to be an asshole and pick a fight with Jeff in the backyard. He makes fun of him for trying to spell technotronics. Russell should shut up because a retarded chimp with dsylexia could spell shotgun.

After Russell scurries his weasel ass inside, Natalie decides to put her two cents in and Jeff pretty much offers a big glass of shut the fuck up. The athletes have totally made themselves a target. I despise them all…except Jeff.

Lydia tries to schmooze Russell and he tells her it was Natalie and Jessie’s idea to put her up. Uh, no. It was his. She buys it because she has no choice but to. She goes up to Jessie to talk shit about Natalie until Natalie walks in. And then it’s big-ass fake-ass lovefest.

“I’m so sorry I misunderstood you.”

“No, I’m so sorry I misunderstood you!”

I’m so sorry I’m watching this mess.

Lydia throws Braden under the bus.

Jessie, Natalie, and Russell meet in the HOH room and discuss back-dooring Braden. Russell meets with Ronnie in the storage room and Ronnie agrees that he’d vote out Braden. THEN Ronnie scampers off and tells Jeff and Jordan. They realize that Braden leaving would screw them hard sans lube, so they rush to tell Braden. Russell figures out that Braden knows because Braden is walking around all sourpuss face. He confronts Ronnie in the storage room and I swear you can pinpoint the exact moment Ronnie shit his pants.

Ronnie swears up and down he didn’t say anything to Braden and you can tell Russell doesn’t believe him. Russell takes Jessie into the storage room and tells him Ronnie needs to be watched.

At the veto ceremony, Russell uses the veto on Lydia (gotta give her props for saving her ass) and puts up Braden (nooooo) instead.

Not even Blue Steel can save you now, Zoolander.

This sucks ass.