BIOBaby: The Well Visit

I hate taking my kids to the doctor. I always have. Besides the obvious fear that one day the doctor is going to tell you that there’s something really wrong with one of your children, I just find the whole experience one big collosal pain in the ass. Mainly, because I’m forced to be around other people and their children and I hate other people and their children. I really do.

When your baby is sick he’s already fussy and cranky. Now, I gotta deal with that around a bunch of other fussy and cranky children and to make matters worse, I run the risk of catching whatever your child has. I don’t mind catching my own baby’s sick, but I don’t want your kid’s cooties! I don’t even want to look at your kid. Stop letting your snot-nosed kid come up to me in the waiting room! I wouldn’t like your kid when he’s well, I damn sure don’t like him with goo coming out of his nose

The process sucks too. We all know that it’s all about the sign-in. Don’t matter what time your appointment was scheduled for, or what time you got there, or which doctor you’re going to see, it’s all about who signs in first. I will knock a pregnant woman holding a sick toddler down a flight of stairs to sign in first. For reals. And then I head to the “Well” side to wait for my kid’s name to be called. Even if he’s not “well.” Don’t look at me like that! Ear infections are not contagious! Why should he sit amongst the nasty? When he did have a cold, I just went to the private room and nursed him the whole time so we wouldn’t have to be in the waiting room. Don’t judge me!

Though, it’s not like being called first really means anything. We all know that you’re just being called first to wait for an additional 20 minutes in the examining room while the doctor does God knows what. Of all three parts – waiting, waiting some more, and seeing the doctor – the part that goes by the quickest is seeing the doctor. In fact, most parents know what the diagnosis and remedy is going to be before going. Ear infection? Children’s Tylenol and antibiotics. Cold? Saline drops, humidifier, suction, lots of breastmilk.

But we go anyway because most of us didn’t have the foresight to marry a pediatrician.

P.S. I think the “well” side of the waiting room should be separated using those heavy-duty plastic curtains like at the food warehouses.