Top Ten Most Anticipated TV in 2010

10. Damages

OK, sure season 2 was a mess of convoluted plot involving a bribed judge, a double-crossing FBI investigation, and a cokehead stabbing Patty(Glenn Close) in an elevator, but I have high hopes that season 3 of Damages will return to the glory that was the amazing, thought-provoking, twists and turns of season 1.

Damages returns to FX on January 25th.

9. Jeff and the other chick on The Amazing Race

Last season’s winner of Big Brother, whatsherface, will be joining the cast of globe trotting contestants on the next season of The Amazing Race. But the big news is that her racing partner is none other than the ubersexy, Jeff, who you may remember was her (OK, fine. Her name is Jordan) showmance in the BB house.

I cannot wait to see him jetsetting for the million bucks. Preferably shirtless. Here’s to hoping the producers have come up with lots of hot locales to ensure maximum topless Jeff moments. I’m just saying.

8. Southland returns on TNT

I don’t know who’s in charge over at NBC, but it must be run by morons. They consistently cancel awesome shows like Journeyman, Life and Scrubs. Then they let a gem like Medium get swept up by the good people at CBS to make room for five nights of the chronically unfunny Jay Leno at 10pm.

Thankfully, cooler heads prevail over at TNT and they’ve given new life to the gritty police drama Southland. The season finale was a jaw-dropper so thank the TV gods that TNT will pick up the show so we can see how it all plays out.

7. Stargate: SGU

Thanks to my friend Cathy sending me all ten seasons of Stargate: SG1, I have another sci-fi franchise to add to my must-see list. I’m currently starting season 2 of Stargate: Atlantis, but couldn’t wait to get through all five seasons of that before diving into Stargate Universe which premiered on SyFy last fall.

SGU follows a band of military personnel, scientists, and civilians trapped on a spaceship built by The Ancients who developed the stargates as they try to figure out a way back to Earth.

Some of my fellow Stargate fans complain that SGU is more Battlestar Galactica than Stargatey, but that’s okay with me. I love the dark sets, mental manipulations, and catastrophes of the week plots.

6. The final episodes of Nip/Tuck

Tonight FX kicks off the final nine episodes of Nip/Tuck. Even though I can admit that the show has been bordering on very cheesy and plain-ass ridiculous for at least two seasons now, I am sorry to see it go. I will watch tonight, and for the next eight weeks, and begin my goodbyes to the sexy, super rich, but morally bankrupt doctors of McNamara/Troy.

5. V

We were teased with four episodes of the remake of the 80′s cult hit V. There were holes like, how the hell did the Vs manage to just drop off sleeper agents without anyone noticing? I mean, it’s not like dropping someone off at a bus stop. But overall, I’m hooked.

It just went back into production in January, so I’m not sure when the new epis will air. I’ll be there whenever that might be.

4. 24 in NYC

Two of my favorite things will be mixing it up on FOX: Jack Bauer and New York City.

Two words: Hells.Yeah!

24 returns on January 17th.

3. Caprica

Caprica, the Battlestar Galactica prequel, tells how the Cylons (at least the Cylons of the 12 colonies of the series) came to be. The pilot was available on DVD last spring and I’ve been waiting like a crackhead ever since.

Caprica premieres on SyFy on January 22nd. Read my Caprica review here.

2. GLEE!

My new favorite show returns… in APRIL! I know! What the hell? We have such a long wait, but no doubt it will be worth it.

What will Quinn do now that everyone knows Puck is the father of her baby? What will happen with the new Shuster/Pillsbury romance? Will Rachel and Finn hook up now that he’s free? Will they please give Kurt more airtime and can we get a full hour dedicated to the awesomeness that is Sue Sylvester?

1. LOST

Come on, now. You knew this would be number one. The final season of Lost begins February 2nd .

SPOILER ALERT:

We’ve met Jacob and the creepy guy that has been trying to kill him since, like, forever. Creepy guy had apparently taken over Locke, who has really been dead all this time, and used him and Ben to finally get to Jacob. There was lots of time traveling and time shifting which led to a big-ass gun fight and Juliet falling down a shaft. Oh, and we got to see the smoke monster kick more ass.

I’m looking forward to all of my questions of the past five years being answered. That’s right. All 1384 of them!

What are you looking forward to? What shows do you miss the most?

Nip/Tuck Season 5.5 Epi. 8: Giselle Blaylock & Legend Chandler

Previously on Nip/Tuck: Teddy wants to have sex with Sean on nitrous. Olivia’s daughter, Slutsherface, gets into porn (and bed) with Ram and Kimber. Christian has cancer and proposes to Liz.

And now…

Giselle Blaylock has scars on her neck given to her by her boyfriend, Legend. They drink each other’s blood during sex. He bit her neck and nicked her artery. She almost died.  The scars on her neck need to be repaired. And then I pretty much stop paying attention ’cause I’m tryna figure out if Legend also played a vampire on True Blood…

And we have credits…

“Make me beautiful. Make meeeeeeeee…..”

Teddy is getting all hooched up while Sean is getting dinner ready at his place. And they’re playing this kickass Kanye West song.

Why is Teddy putting on a red wig? Sean calls her, but she doesn’t answer. Why? ‘Cause she’s in Vegas talking with a fake southern accent and assisting her plastic surgeon husband. Yup, husband. He calls her Dixie. It seems he thinks she was off taking care of a dying aunt while she’s been living as Teddy with Sean.

Kimber climbs in bed with Slutsherface (Eden) and Ram. They don’t want to threeway with her anymore. She’s old. She gives a “I Will Survive” speech and prances out. It’s kinda embarrassing.

At her consultation, Giselle gets weak and Legend offers her something to drink. She’s upset cause it’s not steak blood. Christian takes her fake vamp teeth and offers to take Legend’s but his are real and need to be filed down by a dentist.

Once they’re gone, nasty ass Christian puts Giselle’s nasty ass teeth in his mouth. And then he gets a bright idea! He tells Sean, Liz, and Matt that when he’s close to death, they’ll have to call the cryogenics company that will freeze his body until there’s a cure for cancer. They clown him, and rightfully so. When Matt balks at the cost ($200K, plus $5k a month), Christian accuses him of just wanting his money. Christian asks that Sean just go with him to see the place before passing judgment.

Teddy arrives late for Giselle’s neck surgery.  She tells Sean she’s been in Houston making arrangements for an aunt that died. Sean apologizes for snapping at her ’cause he’s simple and gullible.

Kimber drops off Jenna with Matt. She wants Jenna to live with Matt for the next two weeks.  She admits that Ram kicked her out because she was too old. Matt tells her that she’s not old, she’s beautiful and he suggests that the three of them get a place together like a real family Jesus! He must get his lack of balls from Sean! Kimber is all, “Boy, are you high?”

Matt tells Kimber about Christian and Liz’s upcoming nuptials. He also tells her that Christian is dying.

Teddy makes Sean some Texas chili. She talks about her dead aunt. Don’t know if that’s true or not. She talks about skipping the wedding and then they have sex. She takes a few hits of nitrous while they’re doing it. Sean thinks its dangerous, but she compares it to him having two glasses of wine before sex.

This is dumb.

Kimber shows up at McNamara/Troy to antagonize Liz.  She tells Liz that Christian doesn’t love her. She offers to take care of Christian if Liz won’t marry him. Liz knows that all Kimber wants is Christian’s money and she ain’t having it.

“This isn’t over, butch!” Kimber sneers.

Christian and Sean tour the cryogenics facility. Turns out Christian will be sharing a tank with someone else since they’re at full capacity.  Christian ain’t tryna hear that.

In the hall, Christian admits that he’s afraid. Sean says that Christian will live on forever through him.  Back at the office, Christian tries to write his vows, but he’s coming up short. He calls Liz for help. She advises him to keep it simple. And heartfelt. One simple sentence will do.

That night, Christian finds Giselle and Legend making out in front of the practice’s blood supply. They’re covered in blood. He understands that they want to live forever, so he won’t report them. But he does offer up one last bag of blood before telling them to get their scary asses out of there.

Teddy is making out with her husband when she gives him a lethal dose of nitrous.  After he’s dead, she calls him a fool for falling in love with her. Sean sure knows how to pick ‘em!

Kimber shows up at Christian’s wedding.

Wilbur looks adorable walking down the aisle. Liz looks wonderful. When they get to the “if anyone has anything to say, better say it now part,” Kimber stands up. Matt hisses for her to sit her narrow ass down. She leaves in tears.

Who are all these people at the wedding?! None of the main characters on the show seems to know anybody else!

Later that night, at the office, Sean is depressed and take a hit of nitrous. I told you, he’s easily impressed. He does anything you tell him to.

Christian, Liz, and Wilbur prepare to leave for their honeymoon in Italy. Wilbur wants to call Liz Mommy now. Awww. Christian’s doctor calls and tells him that his patient I.D. number was mixed up with someone else’s number. He’s not dying. His cancer is in remission.

Ruh-roh.

No more Nip/Tuck till next season. What did you guys think?

Nip/Tuck Season 5.5 Epi. 7: Allegra Caldarello

Previously on Nip/Tuck: Mrs. Caldarello has reconstructive surgery where skin from her labia is put on her mouth. She keeps this from her husband so he won’t know that he’s kissing her kitty-kat on her mouth. Sean hires and then has sex with Liz’s replacement, Teddy. Christian proposes to Liz.

And now…

Liz is excited to try on her mother’s wedding dress. It looks like my Grandmother’s curtains. While she does this, Christian and Liz’s Mom chat. She’s Hurley’s mom from Lost, and she’s now annoying on two shows. She puts down Liz’s looks and demands to know why Christian is marrying Liz. Christian doesn’t mention his cancer and dances around the question. Liz’s mom thinks Christian must be gay and Liz is his beard.

Liz needs help getting into the dress and refuses to have the antique dress altered. Christian wants to buy Liz her own dress, but she wants to wear her Mom’s curtains. Because it’s not fitting, Liz wants Christian to shrink her boobs.

And we have credits….

“Make me beautiful. Make meeeeeeeeeee….”

Mrs. Caldarello is back. Her husband wants her to get her eyes, neck, breasts, etc. done.  He has prostate cancer and he wants his wife all hooched up so she can snag another meal ticket.  She apparently has no skills or means of taking care of herself. When Mr. C. leaves to hit the head, Mrs. C. confronts Sean for the storyline in Hearts & Scalpels based on her surgery. She doesn’t seem to be that upset to have been referred to as, “Pussy Lips.”

Liz is preparing for her surgery at McNamara/Troy when Teddy comes in. They decide to have a little girl talk and Liz admits that she needs to spend some time home with Christian and Wilbur, but she doesn’t want to go stir crazy. They agree to split the job. Then, Teddy gets all up in her business asking how could she have just turned off her gay switch so easily.  Teddy kinda sorta comes out to Liz.

During surgery, Christian decides to make Liz a D instead of the C she wanted. He’s also celebrating that this will be his last surgery. He tells Sean he’ll start looking for his own replacement.  Sean doesn’t want to talk or think about replacing Christian. When Christian leaves, Teddy tells Sean to pretty much man up and accept what’s going to happen. She’s such a charmah!

Christian interviews a very qualified surgeon.  He explains how close he and Sean are and he wants someone who will fit in both personally and professionally. The whole time they’re talking the interviewee is stroking the chair he’s sitting in.

Christian arranges for the new guy to assist Sean in Mrs. C’s surgery to see if he fits in. Sean is hesitant, but is put at ease as the new guy admires the surgical table. What’s wrong with this guy? Christian looks on and he and Sean make goo-goo eyes at each other.

Sean and the new guy (how did I miss his name?) go to Christian’s favorite place; a strip club with some busted-ass strippers. They couldn’t have hired better extras? As the new guy and Sean get lap dances, Sean’s heart isn’t into it. Over drinks, Sean admits that he’s just not feeling the new guy.

New guy starts tearing the décor of the strip club apparent. He wants to go to someplace more tastefully decorated. What the hell is wrong with him?!

Liz has her bandages removed and is shocked to see that Christian didn’t listen to her wishes.  He said he made an executive decision. Liz’s mom notes that they’re not even married yet, and already Christian is controlling her. Christian chooses that moment to surprise Liz with a gorgeous, new, luxurious wedding gown. Her mom tries to guilt her into wearing her curtains instead.

The new guy (Christian’s replacement) starts to make himself at home in Christian’s office. He begins to clean and dust. He seems really interested in the sofa. He starts to fondle and caress it. He spreads open the cushions like…. Oh, gross!!! He’s going to screw the sofa! He’s pumping away when Sean and Christian walk in on him.

He has Objective Sexuality. He can form strong relationships with inanimate objects… but he believes that inanimate objects have feelings and can express love. He says there’s a history of gender identification with cars, boats, buildings.

Christian has heard enough and kicks him out… as he leaves though, he spots the operating table he was admiring earlier. And it moans at him!

Mrs. C. is recovering and her husband brings in a man with flowers. It’s their butcher. He’s trying to hook his wife up with someone and he’s not even dead yet!!

Come to think of it, so is Christian.

At Liz’s bridal shower her mother is being a real beyotch. Liz tells everyone that Christian is dying and that she is worried they won’t have much time together. Her mother says that it all makes sense now. Liz lashes at her mother for never accepting her and killing her self esteem. She tells her to leave her shower and she doesn’t want her at the wedding. All of Liz’s lesbian friends boo and hiss.

Christian finds the new guy picking up his things that he left in Christian’s office. He apologizes again and drops off Christian’s keys.

Mrs. C. is going home, but she’s pissed at her husband. He apologizes and says he just wants the best for her. And the best is what she shall get. In walks a younger guy, all handsome and bearing gifts. Mrs. C. is suddenly down for whatever.

As they leave, the new guy is screwing the surgical table.

At home, Christian is helping Wilbur practice for his ring bearer duties. He tells Liz she will need her mother when he’s gone, but Liz is firm in her decision. They have a nice family group hug moment.

At McNamara/Troy, Sean is watching old home movies of him, Christian, and Julia in college. He tells Teddy he feels like he’s losing everyone. Teddy tells him she knows she can’t replace Christian, but she promises he won’t lose her. It’s not a lot, but it’s all she has to offer. Sean tells her it is a lot.

Next week is the season finale. Already? Yeah. Remember, this season is actually the back half of last season which was cut short due to the writer’s strike.

Nip/Tuck – Season 5.5 Epi. 6: Budi Sabri

Previously on Nip/Tuck: Sean hires Teddy Rowe (Starbuck from BSG) as Liz’s replacement. They have sex. Christian injects Jenna’s lips so that she can land baby modeling jobs. Liz returns to Miami.

And now…

Teddy takes Sean to one of those pitch-black restaurants hoping to lower his inhibitions – kinky play while you’re surrounded by a bunch of people who can’t see you. But his cell phone rings and he takes Julia’s call. And continues to take it as Teddy asks him to hang up. He doesn’t and she leaves him alone in the dark. Even after she leaves, she continues to whisper. It’s annoying.

And we have credits…

“Make me beautiful. Make meeeeeeeee….”

Sean and Christian are going to treat Mr. Budi Sabri. When he was 18, he scraped his foot while swimming, and began to develop warts. Because of his rare immune deficiency, the warts continued to grow. They are all over his hands and feet, legs and face. He looks like something out of Pirates of the Caribbean. No, you know what his hands and feet look like? The onion blossom at Outback Steakhouse. He wants them to cut off the warts and fix his skin so he can feel human again. The surgery begins…

Christian wants to call a press conference to gain notoriety over the surgery since Mr. Sabri can’t pay. Sean calls him insensitive. Christian leaves to see what Kimber wants when she shows up. Sean wants a second chance with Teddy, but she says that if she wanted to be with a pussy, she’d be a lesbian.

Not on this show.

Jenna’s collagen has been absorbed and Kimber wants her to have another shot so she can land a job for Target. Christian refuses and Kimber threatens to go to another doctor.  Sean walks in on them arguing and Kimber tells him that Christian refuses to shoot up Jenna’s lips… again. Sean tells Kimber if she has Jenna injected again he’ll have her arrested. Christian tries to make excuses for what he did. Sean lays him out.

Sean shows up at Teddy’s very nice house where she has champagne waiting. They have sex in a bedroom only to be interrupted by a real estate agent and a couple looking to buy. Turns out, it’s not her house. She thought having sex in an open house would be hot. Sean offers to buy the house to keep the agent from calling the cops.

Christian goes back to his doctor and finds out his cancer has spread.  He has six months to live. When he gets home he wants to tell Sean about it, but he’s too busy running off to be a rebel without a brain with Teddy.

Christian steals a bunch of drugs from McNamara/Troy in the middle of the night. He finds Mr. Sabri practicing walking. Christian asks him if he ever considered taking his own life considering all he’s been through. Mr. Sabri says that no, because even in that body, he believes he’s a true expression of God. He tells Christian he should pray because his prayers brought him to Christian and closer to his true dream of having a woman in his life- someone that would accept him as he is, laugh at his jokes, etc.

Sean, meanwhile, is out in the desert with Teddy tripping on drugs. Next, they’ll be robbing a bank.

Liz is at her new job back in Miami. She’s in the middle of a surgery when Christian shows up begging her to come back. He’s wearing an old Cuban man’s hat.

Liz’s new boss is all, “You can’t be in here!”

“It’s okay, I’m a doctor.”

She doesn’t say shit else ’cause I suppose him being a doctor suddenly made the room sterile again.

Christian goes on and on about how he knows he’s a prick, but he’s sorry for the way he treated Liz. He needs her to keep him straight (no pun intended.) He needs wants her to come back to California with him. When she wants to know what would be different if she returned, Christian asks Liz to marry him. And he pulls out a fat rock. Yowzers!

Sean and Christian are prepping for another surgery on Mr. Sabri, and Sean’s not happy at the new engagement. He thinks Christian is going to hurt Liz.  Linda is going to be their maid-of-honor. Teddy’s not at work because she’s still hungover for their drug trip the night before, but Sean says she ate something that didn’t agree with her. He’s still tripping during the surgery and can’t perform.

Liz is doing drug inventory and notices the missing drugs. She goes to Christian and blames it on Teddy. Christian admits that he took the drugs to take his own life. Liz realizes that Christian’s cancer is back and that’s the only reason he asked her to marry him. She throws the ring at him and storms out.

(As much as I’m confused by the direction this show is taking, I really did enjoy the conversation. It was heartbreaking and Julian McMahon had one of those rare human moments.)

Teddy surprises Sean at work, at night, with lots of candles and a skimpy outfit. She wants to do it on a surgery table and on nitrous.  He’s worried about the possibility of an explosion. She’s sick of his balls being firmly in his back pocket. Sean says she has gone too far. He was still tripping during a surgery and had to donate to the realtor’s favorite charity when he backed out of buying the house. Teddy dumps him.

Christian finally tells Sean that he’s dying. Sean wants Christian to sign up for clinical trials and fight, but all Christian wants to do is live out the time he has left without treatment.

Christian is checking on Mr. Sabri, who begins to cry. He has found new warts higher up his leg. They have grown aggressively since he noticed them that morning.

“I had such hope,” he cries.

“Me too,” Christian says.

Christian is eating yogurt in the break room when Liz comes in and says she’s gonna marry him. If anything, she gets a big, fat, honking, $150K ring out of it. He jokes he’ll be dead before they can get divorced. As she walks out the room he says, “Nice ass.”

“And it’s all yours.”

UGH! I don’t even know what’s going on anymore. Do you?

But I can’t front. As confused as I am, there’s a part of me that finds it sweet because he’s dying.

What about you?

Nip/Tuck Season 5.5 Epi 5: Manny Skerritt

Previously on Nip/Tuck: Kimber and Matt announce they are married. A hot minute later, Kimber leaves Matt to return to porn taking their daughter, Jenna, with her. Sean hooks with a  psycho-agent, Colleen. Sean becomes the new star of Hearts & Scalpels. When another agent tries to steal Sean, Colleen kills him by stuffing him like a teddy bear and then tries to kill herself. Julia’s girlfriend, Olivia dies when Sean operates on her and Julia announces she is still moving to NY. Christian and Liz have sex and Liz claims she doesn’t like men, just Christian. After catching Christian sleeping with several women, Liz resigns and moves back to Miami.

And now…

“Tell us what you don’t like about yourself?”

During a very intense yoga session, Manny Skerritt discovered that he can suck his own penis. He wants it reduced. The doctors don’t believe he can self-fellatio, so he gets in the position to show them.  He can’t hold down a job or relationship because all he does is suck his own penis all day.

And we have credits…

Make me beautiful. Make meeeeeee…

Kimber’s at McNamara/Troy asking Christian for lip injections. Not for her, but for baby Jenna. Her modeling agents want Kimber to do something about Jenna’s thin villainous lips.  Christian refuses and threatens to get custody of Jenna if Kimber gets any work done on her.

Sean thinks Christian should look into any doctors that would perform plastic surgery on a baby so they can be reported. Christian is too busy trying to figure out how to shrink Manny’s dong, but swears he put the fear of God in Kimber. Sean takes charge of interviewing Liz’s replacement so that Christian won’t hire someone because she’s hot.

And that’s exactly what Sean does. It’s Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica! And she actually looks like a girl! She has on make-up and a girly hair-do. She’s also covered in tattoos. She’s a like a blond Angelina Jolie. She’s hired!

Christian meets with Jenna’s agents, The Steves. They won’t disclose which doctors they use and explain that Jenna’s lips will stop her from making good money. While at their office they get a call that books another baby on a $10K/day gig. Christian’s greedy ass is sold. He decides to be Jenna’s agent instead.

Best.Grandpa.Ever.

Aidan, the former star of Hearts & Scalpels, presents a script he wrote to Sean. It’s based on Sean’s life. He took some artistic license though and in it, he has Sean sleeping Colleen. Colleen is played by Morgan Fairchild who does a spot-on impersonation of Sharon Gless’ Colleen. Every time she says, “Cookie,” I crack up laughing. Which is good cause the script is a joke. Sean refuses to sell the rights to his story. Aidan tells Sean that he owes him because sleeping with Olivia’s teen daughter is what got him fired and Sean hired.

Christian and Kimber are waiting to be seen at an audition for Jenna. Fed up with waiting, they storm in and the baby is rejected right away. They blame it on her thin, villainous lips. They need to blame it on the fact that the baby is just plain unfortunate looking. Don’t judge me!

Before Manny’s surgery, Starbuck (Her name is Teddy, but Ima call her Starbuck) takes a peek at Manny’s penis. Apparently, it’s huge.  Starbuck wants to take a pic with it, but Sean won’t allow it. She pulls a little peer pressure on him (Christian must be the fun one) and it works. Jesus, how many seasons will his mid-life crisis last?

Aidan shows up and gets his picture taken too. Malpractice, much? Sean still refuses to sign over his story rights and Aidan storms out.

Christian prepares to give Jenna a collagen shot in her lips. And if he does, I just may turn the channel and never watch again.  Thank God! He comes to his senses and leaves the room, but of course leaves the collagen there! Kimber injects baby Jenna’s lips. Has this show completely run out of ideas?! The Steves and Kimber toast to Jenna’s new Shiloh Jolie lips.

Manny is recuperating at McNamara/Troy when Aidan shows up and tells him about the weenie-pics.  He convinces Manny to sue… and to show him how to suck his own penis.

Christian wants to fire Starbuck since the yoga teacher is threatening to sue.  Starbucks says there’s no evidence because she deleted the pictures. Yeah, right. Everyone knows there’s only three good reasons to take a picture with/of a penis and all require that you keep the damn picture.

Christian is at home sulking with Sean when Matt comes in and stabs him in the arm with a needle. He is furious over Jenna’s lips. Christian calls Kimber on speakerphone so she can admit she did the injections herself. Matt apologizes to Christian and his arm.

Sean is considering selling his story rights for $350K. Starbuck convinces him he should do it.  She goads him into doing what he wants to do, and not caring what people think, and yada yada yada. Every season Sean meets someone that gets him to act like an ass because his mid-life crisis is long and strong. Remember the frat boys, Aidan from last season, Christian, the crazy Nanny, Kimber? EVERYONE can convince Sean to do anything. BOR-ING.

Starbuck and Sean have sex.

Aidan is back at the office. He said he was bird doggin down Sunset and hit an ice patch. He broke his neck. He wants some surgery to correct the scars left by the head brace… and he also wants his dick enlarged.

Christian, “You broke your neck trying to suck your dick, didn’t you?”

LMAO! Okay, I didn’t see that coming. I really didn’t. The fool feel off the bed and broke his neck trying to suck is own pee-pee.

“I just wanted to give it little baby kisses. That’s all.”

Before Aidan’s surgery, Sean takes a pic of his itty-bitty-weenie with Starbuck’s camera phone. They then ride her hog into the sunset. If Sean buys a motorcycle, I’m out.

Christian is with Jenna and telling her how much he loves her. He also tells her she’s beautiful, which is lie. It’s so cute though cause he’s whispering and the little girl playing Jenna keeps whispering back.  Jenna begins her first photo shoot and Christian flashes back to walking in on Kimber injecting Jenna’s lips. He steps in and finishes the job. Kimber agrees to take the fall.

And for two weeks straight, I’m disgusted.
What is this show about anymore?

Nip/Tuck Season 5.5 Epi. 4: Ricky Wells

Previously on Nip/Tuck: Matt applies to college. Sean says Raj Paresh reminds him of himself when he was in med school. Christian and Liz do it. And do it again.

And now…

Liz is trying to give Christian a blow-job. It ain’t working. She declares they have LBD. Lesbian bed death. Too much talking, not enough screwing. Um, could it be that you’re a lesbian and he’s a man? Liz goes to pee and Christian makes her put on a robe ’cause he don’t want to be seeing all-o-dat.

In the bathroom, Liz looks at herself in the mirror and feels horrible. Who hasn’t been there, huh? Half-naked in some guy’s bathroom, wondering what the hell you’re doing with him, and how you got there. Right? Right?

And we have credits…. “Make me beautiful… make meeeeee.”

Sean and Christian have a consultation with a couple who met when he was 8… and she was his second grade teacher. Gross. They hooked up when he was in junior high, she went to jail, and now they’re married and expecting a baby. He, Ricky Wells, wants to look older.

Sean is helping Matt prepare for his biology final by having him operate on a fetal pig. Matt sucks at it which isn’t really surprising since Matt sucks at life.  Matt claims he didn’t inherit Sean’s brains. Which makes sense seeing as how Sean isn’t his bio-dad.

Raj’s Dad shows up at McNamara/Troy surprising his son. He observes as Sean and Raj operate on Christian’s breast scars.  I nearly fall off the bed  at this exchange between Raj and Liz…

“Ms. Cruz, I wanted to tell you that you look very beautiful today. Have you lost a few pounds?”

“Well, I have. Now I just have to figure out something to do with my hair.”

“Yes. And your clothes.”

Burn.

Sean allows Raj to suture Christian’s incisions so he can talk to Matt who has stopped by to inform Sean he’s dropping his chemistry class. Sean balks and says he’ll get Raj to tutor Matt. Raj’s Dad beams.  Mr. Paresh later tells Sean he’s there to get a penal enhancement. Double gross.

Oooh, a commercial for Damages – one of the best show you’re not watching.

Mr. Paresh informs Raj that he wants him to perform his penal enlargement surgery. Raj throws up in his mouth. I saw it. Sean offers to do the surgery, but Mr. Paresh insists. Raj swallows his pride, and bile, and agrees.

Meanwhile, Liz is off getting all dolled up and Christian is home getting his groove back. While she’s getting her hair did, he’s boning chicks left and right. When Liz walks in on him doing some girl on the tub, and the girl thinks Liz is his Mom. Damn, that’s embarrassing.

Liz is furious and Christian is all, “I don’t see no rings on these fingers.” They make up after he agrees to take her to dinner. Say what?

Sean gives Ricky Wells some facial hair plugs while he and Liz have a heart- -to-heart.

Later, Sean comes home to find Raj waiting for Matt who never showed up for his tutoring session. Raj and Sean end up going out for dinner and Raj admits that he’s never had hot wings. Somebody need to arrest his Daddy for child abuse ’cause that’s just wrong. Matt calls and wants to meet them but Sean hangs up before he can find out where they are.

Christian is at home having sex with some chick when his implant starts floating around. Gag! Christian shows up at Liz’s all upset ’cause his titty is floating. A half-naked woman comes out of Liz’s bedroom. Liz kicks him out.

Ricky Wells’ unveiling takes place with his Dad and younger bro there. Everyone thinks he looks older, which doesn’t please his wife. I think he looks a hot ass mess.

Mr. Paresh’s surgery is about to get underway, but Christian barges in demanding to know why his titty is floating around.  Raj admits that he did the sutures and it must be his fault that the tit is under his rib cage. Raj’s Dad is furious that his son has messed up and slaps the taste out of his mouth. The surgery is clearly off.

Matt and Raj are getting high in Matt’s car and both complaining about their Dads. Raj asks Matt to slam his hand in the car’s door so he won’t have to live up to his father’s ridiculous expectations and Matt does it. Why? Matt is a moron.

Oooh, another Damages commercial. I wish I were watching that instead.

Sean operates on Raj’s hand and later tells Matt that Raj will never have full use of that hand again. Matt does not admit that he helped Raj ruin his hand.  Matt admits that he doesn’t want to be a doctor after all. Um, how old is he? Why doesn’t he know what he wants to do yet?! Oh, wait. He does know what he wants to do. He wants to be an actor. Jesus.

Ricky Wells comes home to find his wife banging his little brother.

Liz walks in on Christian having sex with another woman. She speaks with Sean in private.
Later, Sean tells Christian that not only has Liz resigned, but she’s moving back to Miami.

The End.

You hear that? What you just heard was the shark looking up and saying, “You again?”

I can’t wait for Rescue Me to get my Tuesday night 10 p.m. fix.

Nip/Tuck: Season 5.5, Epi. 3 – Roxy St. James

Previously on Nip/Tuck: Julia’s lesbian lover’s daughter, Skank Face, shoots Julia in the head. Sean and Christian argue over whose life sucks more. Christian and Liz have very awkward sex. Candy Richards, a white delusional actress, needs her lips done.

And now…

Candy Richards is back. But now she goes by Coco. She found out she has a drop of black in her and now she’s all corn-braids wearing, gold teeth having, and jive talking. I can’t decide if it’s funny or offensive. Should I be laughing or writing a strongly-worded letter to the NAACP to investigate this shit? Coco wants a black girl’s ass ’cause her hip-hop album is about to drop. Sean explains that she’s pretty much insane and one step away from wearing black face and singing, “Mamie.” Christian looks amused. Sean looks appalled as he accepts the case. You can just see his thought bubble, “I shoulda became a brain surgeon.” And we have credits…

Sean interrupts Christian’s sushi lunch to give him a breast cancer survivor’s pamphlet. Christian is all, “I don’t need no stinkin’ therapy.” Liz comes in and it’s all icy. Christian is like, “This is why I don’t bang friends.” For Liz, sleeping with Christian is the equivalent of crossing the streams; day became night, dogs and cats are living together, up is down, Liz is confused!!! Christian suggests they sleep together again and Liz doth protests too much. That sound you hear is every gay person in America throwing their remotes at their flat screens.

Christian line of the night contestant number one, “My cock has mystical powers.”

Julia’s lover, Olivia, wants plastic surgery. A lot of it. She wants to look better and younger for Julia. This is ridiculous considering she’s the best looking person on the damn show. Olivia lets slip they are moving to NY and Sean confronts Julia for taking his babies away without telling him…. Again. They end up kissing and I’m repulsed. Why Christian and Sean have always pined over Julia’s whiny, bony, ass is beyond me.

Christian’s in his therapy group making friends. He pretty much tells the breast cancer survivors they’re being victims and need to get some plastic surgery for their scars. He’s a charmah! Roxy St. James lights up a cigarette and is asked to leave. I like her already. Her mother and sister both died of breast cancer and so she hangs around breast cancer survivor groups to feel better. She and Christian are boning in five seconds flat. Post-coital, she tells Christian she is going to have her boobs removed even though she doesn’t have cancer, nor has she tested positive for any abnormalities.

Christian line of the night contestant number two, “Are you crazy? Those are the happiest tits I’ve ever put my dick between.”

Classy.

Coco is getting her Beyonce-booty. They play her demo while operating and we are treated to the video, “Yo Stink.” Ok, it’s official. I’m offended. I’m Googling the local chapter of the NAACP as soon as this is done… ’cause I can’t stop watching!

During Olivia’s pre-op consultation, Sean reveals he’s gonna be in New York every weekend once they move… for his kids. Olivia’s all, “Yeah, right it’s for Julia.” She wonders why Sean just can’t let Julia be. And I wonder the same damn thing.

Christian and Liz prepare for Roxy’s surgery. Liz doesn’t agree with what they’re doing. Christian insists that it’s Roxy’s choice, but in the end he can’t do it. He can’t cut off her healthy boobs. Roxy wakes up devastated and looking very much like Angelina Jolie.

Christian is getting high in the break room when Liz comes in and joins him. They both agree that the government weed is the best weed. Liz is all dressed up for a date with a man. Christian tries to tell her that she’ll never find another like him and as if on cue, a smooth talking, handsome, charmer walks in. Christian’s parting shot as they leave is also contestant number three for line of the night. He calls out, “She’s a lesbian!” Cock-blocker.

Sean is performing Olivia’s surgery when she goes into arrest. While Sean and Julia are at the hospital with Olivia, Roxy shows up at the McNamara/Troy offices and waits in the lobby while Christian finishes up a consult which really means he’s shooting the shit with Liz about her date the night before. Apparently, her date’s dick has mystical powers too. Christian is not amused.

Roxy takes out an electric knife in the lobby and proceeds to cut off her breast. I clutch my own boobies in horror.

Olivia dies at the hospital. Julia blames Sean. And whines. She always whines. I suppose that now, she is actually allowed, but still. She has whined so much in the past over everything that I’m not willing to give her a pass now.

Christian works to save the mess Roxy made of herself. Liz admits that Christian was right before and that they should have done the surgery when Roxy asked. Later, Christian tells Sean that Olivia’s death isn’t his fault. Sean isn’t convinced since he imaged her ass dead nine kinds of ways. Sean’s biggest regret? He knows he has now REALLY lost Julia forever. Ugh. He thinks that it must not be meant for them to be together. Uh, no duh. Liz comes in with news that Olivia was on anti-depressants and that mixed with the anesthesia is what killed her.

Olivia’s daughter, Eden a.k.a Skank Face, shows up at Olivia’s apartment. She lies and tells Julia and Sean that Olivia was secretly on anti-depressants because she was living with the guilt that she had shot Julia. Ooooh, what a skank face! She tosses Olivia’s ashes in Sean and Julia’s faces. Now I’m offended and grossed out.

Tonight’s episode has been one big “let’s shock ‘em” moment after the other. I miss The Carver.

Liz tucks in Wilbur and she and Christian discuss their “relationship.” Liz admits that she didn’t have an orgasm with her date, and that she doesn’t like men, she just likes Christian.

“I told you I was the shit.” THAT is Christian’s line of the night.

Christian admits he loves Liz for understanding him and his wacky, whorish, ways. They hold hands and head to the bedroom.

Good lord. Who have they offended more tonight, do you think? Blacks? Gays? Breast cancer survivors? People who’ve been cremated?