Top Five People That Shouldn’t Go To The Movies

Let me start by saying that I love going to the movies. It’s an event. I love the whole process from checking movie times to standing in line for your tickets and popcorn. I love going to see a long-awaited film on opening weekend with a crowd of just-as-excited moviegoers. I love the trailers – especially those kick-ass teasers that leave you wanting more and turning to the person with you and asking, “We have to wait till next summer?!” I don’t care how many flat screens I get with BluRay players and surround sound, nothing will beat the tradition of going to see a movie in the theater.

Between my recent part-time gig doing trailer checks and taking Kali to see New Moon on Friday, I’ve been spending a lot of time in theaters lately. It has made me realize that some people shouldn’t be allowed to leave the house, or at the very least, go to to movies because they don’t know how to act. They are:

5. Latecomers - I know shit happens. There’s traffic, forgetting your wallet at home, the inability to find a parking space, etc. I’m not complaining about people who arrive at the theater late. It can happen to any of us. I’m talking about the asshats that arrive late and feel the need to make a big show of how surprised they are to find the theater full.

You know what I mean. They turn that corner, find the theater full, and do that exaggerated double-take, or stop short and let out a loud gasp or groan. Really, idiot? You’re shocked that you arrived 15 minutes late to a movie some people camped out to buy tickets for and found it full?

Sit your ass down, please.

You know, I think I’ll make it my business to always be early just to mock these fools and watch as they are forced to sit in the front row and get a neck cramp.

4. Loud Talkers – I don’t mean during the movie. It’s been a very long time since I’ve encountered someone who talked through the movie. I’m talking about the people that, just because the movie hasn’t started yet, think it’s okay to let everyone in on their personal conversation. Two examples, same people:

While in line for popcorn Friday, there was a group of girls (20′s) behind Kali and I. They were debating what they were going to get and calculating the cost. Like most people, they were considering sharing items to cut down on the expense. Then one said to the other…

“Can we afford to get the large of both the popcorn and the soda?”

“I don’t know. How much is it?”

“The large drink is $6.75, but it has free refills.”

“It looks kinda big. Maybe we  should get the medium.”

“But the large cups are collector cups. I want one with Edward on it.”

“We should be okay. I mean, we didn’t get the dog food yesterday and I still have that $20. I have to put that in the bank tomorrow. We just need to be careful.”

“And you gotta put that twenty in the bank.”

“Yeah.”

Oh.My.God. The whole conversation made me uncomfortable! Lower your voices! I don’t want to hear how your poor dog is home starving cause you had to get your Twilight on!

Then, this same group of women were seated directly behind us in the theater. The lights are still on and the screen is showing those trivia questions and silly commercials. So, no the movie hasn’t started, but still.

“You know the $5 I gave you for cigarettes?”

“Yeah. I said I’d give it back to you Tuesday.”

“This Tuesday?”

“No. Tuesday when I paid Tuesday.”

“Oh. Cause she just gave you $5.”

“Yeah, but I need it. I need money.”

“Well, so do I. But I guess as long as you’re good to go…”

“Oh yeah, I’m really good to go with a whole five dollars.”

“… and got money for cigarettes, beer, vodka…”

“You know what? Shut up.”

“Whatever. You shut up.”

I never have cash on me. Ever. But Friday evening I just happened to have a fiver folded in my purse and I was pretty sure it was fate telling me to turn around toss that bitch the money if it meant they would shut the hell up!

3. The Critics – Yes, I’ve been getting paid to gauge audience reaction to movie trailers. But guess what? I get paid whether you cheer, groan, moan, boo, or not. What I can’t stand is that one guy that feels the need to give his stamp of approval on every trailer before the film.Loudly.

“Well, that looks stupid.”

“Oh, that’s gonna be awesome.”

“Ooookay. What the hell was that?”

“I can’t wait to see that.”

No one gives a shit! Shut up.

This is also the same guy that feels the need to try and guess the movie from the first three seconds of the trailer.

“Batman? Terminator 6? Lord of the Rings prequel?’

Hey, Sherlock. How ’bout you zip it and let us see what the fuck it is?

2. Undecideds – People who stand in front of you in a long concession line only to get to the front and still not know what they want. Seriously? Nevermind the fact that you had enough time in line to figure out what you want, but the food at the movies doesn’t change?! Everyone has their usual order. We get the same shit (for the most part) every time we go! Why the hell don’t you know what you want by the time you get up there?

1. Black people - Shut.The.Fuck.Up.

What are your movie-going peeves?