I Will Take an Old Lady Down

The best part of blogging is the exchange – the fact that I can freely discuss the good and the bad that comes with being me, with being human, and knowing that at least one person will relate. We’ll end up trading stories, another person will join in, and suddenly the world doesn’t feel so large.

Some don’t always get it, or like it for that matter. Some get upset and defriend you on Facebook, unfollow you on Twitter, etc., etc. Some ask, “Why would anyone share that?” “Why would anyone write about this?”

It’s simple: I’ve lived a lot of places, met many people, dated all kinds of men (I even let a female porn star take me on a few “dates” – hey, a girl’s gotta eat!), and forgotten more jobs than most people have had. What I’ve learned is that we all have more in common than we realize. When the world seems to be inundated with partisan bullshit and hateful rhetoric, I am comforted by the fact that most of us, at some point, has wiped and gotten poop on (not in) our hands. We should not be afraid to admit these things!

And so, it is with great pride and total lack of shame that I admit freely:

Today, I threatened an old lady with bodily harm.

Yes.I.Did.

And I meant it.

I was on my way to class, driving in the right lane (shocker, I know) when suddenly traffic slowed. Some kind of break down was causing all the right lane drivers to merge left. When it was my turn, I looked to my left to see if the driver was going to allow me over, or pull up and expect me to pull into the lane behind them.

I was not ready for what I saw. An old white lady was saying something, but both of our windows were up and I couldn’t hear her. From her body language, I’m pretty sure she was cussing my ass out. Her gray hair was swept up in a twist, long silver earrings dangled from her ears, and her thin, vein-like lips were painted a garish red. She was sporting  over sized Jackie O. glasses. I was torn between ringing her poultry-like neck and rolling down my window to ask where she found such awesome specs.

But then I got pissed. Why? Because I hadn’t done anything wrong! I wasn’t trying nose in front while pretending not to see her like some motorists would. I had my blinker on and everything. I was waiting my turn which is so uncharacteristically me! And I was running late!

So, for a moment I forgot my manners and my station in life as a mother, wife, homeowner, and semi-responsible member of society and I carefully shaped my lips to form the words,

“Lady, I will fuck you up!”

Then I merged in front of her. And felt much better.