Nip/Tuck – Season 5.5 Epi. 6: Budi Sabri

Previously on Nip/Tuck: Sean hires Teddy Rowe (Starbuck from BSG) as Liz’s replacement. They have sex. Christian injects Jenna’s lips so that she can land baby modeling jobs. Liz returns to Miami.

And now…

Teddy takes Sean to one of those pitch-black restaurants hoping to lower his inhibitions – kinky play while you’re surrounded by a bunch of people who can’t see you. But his cell phone rings and he takes Julia’s call. And continues to take it as Teddy asks him to hang up. He doesn’t and she leaves him alone in the dark. Even after she leaves, she continues to whisper. It’s annoying.

And we have credits…

“Make me beautiful. Make meeeeeeeee….”

Sean and Christian are going to treat Mr. Budi Sabri. When he was 18, he scraped his foot while swimming, and began to develop warts. Because of his rare immune deficiency, the warts continued to grow. They are all over his hands and feet, legs and face. He looks like something out of Pirates of the Caribbean. No, you know what his hands and feet look like? The onion blossom at Outback Steakhouse. He wants them to cut off the warts and fix his skin so he can feel human again. The surgery begins…

Christian wants to call a press conference to gain notoriety over the surgery since Mr. Sabri can’t pay. Sean calls him insensitive. Christian leaves to see what Kimber wants when she shows up. Sean wants a second chance with Teddy, but she says that if she wanted to be with a pussy, she’d be a lesbian.

Not on this show.

Jenna’s collagen has been absorbed and Kimber wants her to have another shot so she can land a job for Target. Christian refuses and Kimber threatens to go to another doctor.  Sean walks in on them arguing and Kimber tells him that Christian refuses to shoot up Jenna’s lips… again. Sean tells Kimber if she has Jenna injected again he’ll have her arrested. Christian tries to make excuses for what he did. Sean lays him out.

Sean shows up at Teddy’s very nice house where she has champagne waiting. They have sex in a bedroom only to be interrupted by a real estate agent and a couple looking to buy. Turns out, it’s not her house. She thought having sex in an open house would be hot. Sean offers to buy the house to keep the agent from calling the cops.

"Double-dog dare me, and I'll do anything!"

Christian goes back to his doctor and finds out his cancer has spread.  He has six months to live. When he gets home he wants to tell Sean about it, but he’s too busy running off to be a rebel without a brain with Teddy.

Christian steals a bunch of drugs from McNamara/Troy in the middle of the night. He finds Mr. Sabri practicing walking. Christian asks him if he ever considered taking his own life considering all he’s been through. Mr. Sabri says that no, because even in that body, he believes he’s a true expression of God. He tells Christian he should pray because his prayers brought him to Christian and closer to his true dream of having a woman in his life- someone that would accept him as he is, laugh at his jokes, etc.

Sean, meanwhile, is out in the desert with Teddy tripping on drugs. Next, they’ll be robbing a bank.

Liz is at her new job back in Miami. She’s in the middle of a surgery when Christian shows up begging her to come back. He’s wearing an old Cuban man’s hat.

Liz’s new boss is all, “You can’t be in here!”

“It’s okay, I’m a doctor.”

She doesn’t say shit else ’cause I suppose him being a doctor suddenly made the room sterile again.

Christian goes on and on about how he knows he’s a prick, but he’s sorry for the way he treated Liz. He needs her to keep him straight (no pun intended.) He needs wants her to come back to California with him. When she wants to know what would be different if she returned, Christian asks Liz to marry him. And he pulls out a fat rock. Yowzers!

Sean and Christian are prepping for another surgery on Mr. Sabri, and Sean’s not happy at the new engagement. He thinks Christian is going to hurt Liz.  Linda is going to be their maid-of-honor. Teddy’s not at work because she’s still hungover for their drug trip the night before, but Sean says she ate something that didn’t agree with her. He’s still tripping during the surgery and can’t perform.

Liz is doing drug inventory and notices the missing drugs. She goes to Christian and blames it on Teddy. Christian admits that he took the drugs to take his own life. Liz realizes that Christian’s cancer is back and that’s the only reason he asked her to marry him. She throws the ring at him and storms out.

(As much as I’m confused by the direction this show is taking, I really did enjoy the conversation. It was heartbreaking and Julian McMahon had one of those rare human moments.)

Teddy surprises Sean at work, at night, with lots of candles and a skimpy outfit. She wants to do it on a surgery table and on nitrous.  He’s worried about the possibility of an explosion. She’s sick of his balls being firmly in his back pocket. Sean says she has gone too far. He was still tripping during a surgery and had to donate to the realtor’s favorite charity when he backed out of buying the house. Teddy dumps him.

Christian finally tells Sean that he’s dying. Sean wants Christian to sign up for clinical trials and fight, but all Christian wants to do is live out the time he has left without treatment.

Christian is checking on Mr. Sabri, who begins to cry. He has found new warts higher up his leg. They have grown aggressively since he noticed them that morning.

“I had such hope,” he cries.

“Me too,” Christian says.

Christian is eating yogurt in the break room when Liz comes in and says she’s gonna marry him. If anything, she gets a big, fat, honking, $150K ring out of it. He jokes he’ll be dead before they can get divorced. As she walks out the room he says, “Nice ass.”

“And it’s all yours.”

UGH! I don’t even know what’s going on anymore. Do you?

But I can’t front. As confused as I am, there’s a part of me that finds it sweet because he’s dying.

What about you?

Battlestar Galactica: Season 4.5 – Epi. 11: Sometimes A Great Notion

Before we jump into the final season’s premiere, let’s do a review. Here are the top ten things you need to know about Battlestar Galactica:

1. The fate of the human race is in jeopardy – In the pilot episode, the 12 colonies of humanity were wiped out by the Cylons. Cylons were robots designed by the humans for military defense, but evolved (now look human) and revolted. They killed billions of people in an attack on the 12 colonies of Kobol including Caprica.

Centurion Cylons

2. Admiral Adama leads the colonists in a search for Earth – Battlestar Galactica, commanded by Admiral Adama (Edward James Olmos), is the only battlestar to survive the attack and leads the surviving fleet (about 50,000 ppl) in search of the mythical planet Earth. Legend goes that the 13th colonists fled many years ago and settled on Earth. They hope that there will be life there. The Cylons are hot on their asses.

Admiral Adama (l) and his son, Lee Adama

3. The Galactica crew is a family – Adama and President Laura Roslin (Mary McDonald) are like the mother/father figures of the surviving fleet. Roslin was the Secretary of Education when the attack happened, and the 43 people in line ahead of her to be President all died in the attack. She more than rises to the occasion. Laura and Adama have grown close.

Colonel Saul Tigh is Adama’s best friend and the executive officer of Galactica.

Lee Adama is Admiral Adama’s son and a fighter pilot aboard Galactica. They had an uneasy relationship. Kara Thrace a.k.a Starbuck is the best pilot in the fleet. She dated Adama’s dead son, Zach, who died in combat. Lee Adama and Starbuck had affairs while being married to other people. Lee to Dualla (Galactica officer) and Starbuck to Anders, a surviver from Caprica.

Dr. Gaius Baltar was duped into letting the Cylons into the nation’s defense system which helped the Cylons launch their attack.

President Laura Roslin

Kara Thrace a.k.a. Starbuck

Dr. Gaius Baltar

Lt. Anastasia Dualla (married to Lee Adama)

4. Cylons look like us now - There are 12 models of human-looking Cylons. And there are thousands of each model that are copies. If you kill one, the body dies but its consciousness is instantly downloaded into a new body (identical to the one that died) aboard one of their resurrection ships. Caprica 6 (the sixth model) is the one that seduced Baltar into getting into the defense system.

Number Six a.k.a Caprica Six

Number One a.ka. Brother Cavil

Number Two a.ka. Leoben

Number Four a.k.a Simon a.k.a The Black One

Number Five a.k.a Doral

5. The President is dying – President Laura Roslin is dying of cancer. There is a Pithean prophecy that the new leader will be dying and will lead humanity to their new home. The relationship between Adama and Roslin has deepened over time. She has told Adama, finally, that she loves him.

6. There are Cylons within the Galactica crew - There were sleeper Cylons within the fleet that didn’t know they were Cylons. Sharon (call sign Boomer), a Galactica pilot, started to become unglued and realized she was a Cylon.

On Cylon-occupied Caprica, a Sharon Cylon was tasked to seduce Helo (another Galactica pilot who landed on Cylon-occupied Caprica to rescue survivors, but stayed behind) and hopefully mate with him and see if Cylons could get pregnant by humans. Helo, at the time, didn’t know the woman he thought was Sharon was actually a Cylon, and that the Sharon he knew was aboard Galactica losing her marbles. When the crew of Galactica finds out that Sharon is a Cylon, someone shoots her. She dies but is resurrected on a Cylon resurrection ship. The Cylon Sharon on Caprica becomes pregnant by Helo, decides she can’t kill him, and joins him aboard Galactica. Essentially, they switched places and lives. Hera, a Cylon-Human child, is born to Helo and the new Sharon, later dubbed the call sign “Athena.”

Number 8 - Sharon a.k.a Boomer/Athena

Over the course of 3 seasons, 7 of the 12 models were revealed to us. At the end of season 3, four of the final five were revealed to be among the fleet. They did not know they were Cylons. They are Anders (Starbuck’s husband), Col. Saul Tigh, Chief Tyrol, and Tory (the President’s assistant.) Hearing a song in their heads led them to a room at the same time where they realize what they are. They decide to hide the fact that they are Cylons. Tory kills Tyrol’s wife when she finds out their secret. Tigh had killed his own wife once he found out that she was colluding with the Cylons so he feels extra dumb to find out he is one.

Final four Cylons: Chief Tyrol (l), Anders (top center), Col. Tigh (r), and Tory (bottom)

7. Starbuck has a destiny – “All of this has happened before, and will happen again.” In the third season, Starbuck’s ship exploded and she died. She returned in a new Viper (fighter plane) claiming to have been to Earth. She was gone months to the crew, but only hours to her. She passes the blood test devised by Baltar that proves she is human and not a Cylon, but no one has a plausible explanation for why she blew up and returned.

8. A civil war has split the Cylons - A division has formed between the Cylons in season 3. The rebel Cylons (the 8s, 6s, and 2s) want to find out who the final five are in the hopes of discovering their true destiny. D’Anna (model #3) has seen the final five Cylons, but her model was boxed. The rebel Cylons want to unbox her to find the final five. They want to join forces with the humans in order to do this. The humans are motivated to agree because the final five Cylons have been to Earth and can lead the way. The rebel Cylons are willing to help the humans destroy the resurrection hub, so no more downloading – dead is dead – and while the humans are doing that, they will slip and grab D’Anna, who has been in a kinda cold storage.

Number Three a.k.a D'Anna

9 – Enemies have become allies - The Cylon rebels are looking for meaning and are willing to be just like humans – mortal, to find it. There are members of the human fleet that think it’s a bad idea to trust the Cylons. Tigh confesses to his best friend, Adama, that he is a final five Cylon. Tyrol, Tigh, and Anders all begin hearing the same song again- the one that led them to learn they were Cylons – and this time it leads them to Starbuck’s Viper. They realize that the Viper holds the key to Earth’s location. The Viper’s radar has picked up a Colonial signal which is coming from Earth. The Cylons and humans decide to travel together to Earth by following the beacon.

10. They find Earth – When they arrive on Earth, they find it has been nuked. There is no life to be found. Devastated for thousands of years.

Who is the final Cylon? What happened to Earth? Where are the other Cylons and will they find them? You know they’re pissed off because their resurrection abilities have been destroyed. What happens to the fleet with their new Cylon alliance?

Season 4.5 Episode 11 – Sometimes a Great Notion

10pm – I’m so excited I can barely sit still. As is my habit, I want to celebrate good TV with a bad-for-me meal, but I’ve been dieting and I’m down five pounds. In fact, if I really wanted to celebrate I’d watch tonight’s premiere while on the elliptical, but it’s 1 hour and 4 minutes and that ain’t how I roll. Oooh, it’s on!

Previously on the awesomeness that is Battlestar Galactica: The Cylons have split; the Ones, Fours, and Fives are against the Sixes, Eights, and Twos. Well, Boomer (being a dirty little whore) is sleeping with one of the Ones (Brother Cavil) so she has sided with them. The 6s, 8s, and 2s have teamed up with the Colonial fleet to free Number 3, D’Anna, find the final five within the fleet, and find Earth. Dualla was Lee Adama’s rock even when he was fat and screwing Starbuck. The final four are revealed within the fleet and three of them help Starbuck figure out that her Viper can lead them to Earth. They arrive on Earth to find it decimated by a nuclear explosion. Dumb Earthlings.

Now…

Everyone’s kinda looking around at the nuked Earth like, “WTF?!” Col. Tigh looks out at the ocean with his one good eye. They’re all digging through the sands of the beach in disbelief. President Roslin finds a small plant. Helo reports there are no signs of life on radar… the Cylons concur. Starbuck and Leoben try to find the signal that led them there.

Why is no one concerned with radiation!? Stop touching stuff!

OK, Baltar confirms that the planet was nuked over 2,000 years ago and the radiation level is pretty low. Dualla finds a child’s set of jacks in the sand and loses her shit. It’s sad, but I still wish she would stop touching stuff. I truly believe Dualla is the final Cylon. Now, she’s on board a ship freaking out next to Helo. Poor Cylon Dualla.

10:05 – They have returned to Galactica to tell the rest of the fleet that Earth is to’ up from the flo’ up. President Roslin can’t bring herself to say the words. See, if that were Obama he’d have made an uplifting speech making them all forget that they’re pretty much fucked.

10:10 - Leoben (number 2) and Starbuck try to find the signal. They find a piece of colonial aircraft wreckage instead. Starbuck realizes it’s her ship that exploded when everyone thought she was dead. Oh snap! Dualla babysits Hera for Helo and Athena. Why? I don’t know.

The Cylons unearth the remains of a Centurion in the sand which suggests that they were there 2,000 years ago… but they’re not the same Centurion models that our Cylons are used to. They assume that the Centurions must have revolted against the 13th colony of humans that settled Earth, just as the Cylons did to the 12 colonies back on Kobol… but no! ALL the remains found are Cylon! There were no humans on Earth! The 13th colony was Cylons! Oh double snap!

President Roslin and Admiral Adama are all messed up. They don’t want to talk to anyone. She won’t talk to the Quarum (like our Congress) and Adama won’t talk to Col. Tigh. Who can blame them?

10:15pm – On the beach, Chief Tyrol has a flashback of being a skinjob Cylon on Earth. He was just walking down the street, minding his business, when the nuclear explosion occurred. There’s a scorch mark in his image on a wall. DAMN!

Lee Adama is all depressed thinking about all the pilots that died for the dream of a new beginning on Earth. Their sacrifice is meaningless he worries. Dualla tells him to man up and they make a date to have dinner that night.

10:20 – Starbuck and Leoben find her downed Viper. It’s blown to shit. Inside they find her dead body. WTF!!? She confesses that the Cylon hybrid told her she was the harbinger of death and would lead humanity to it’s end. Leoben runs off like a little bitch as Starbuck demands to know, “What am I!!?” You know shit is all kinds of wrong when you freak out a Cylon!

10:25- Anders finds a guitar neck in the sand and remembers playing the song that switched them on for a woman he loved. He tells Tyrol and Tory arrives to say she remembers Anders playing that song for all of them. They wonder how they could have died 2,000 years ago on Earth and end up as sleeper Cylons within the colonies.

President Roslin is burning the Pithean prophecies when Adama finds her aboard Galactica. She’s all down cause people trusted her and followed her to Earth for nothing. She has also stopped taking her cancer treatments. Adama tries to console her, but she ain’t having it.

10:30 – Starbuck burns her dead body on the beach. That’s not something you do everyday. Aboard Galactica, Lee and Dualla finish their date at the door to her quarters. They kiss. Ah, how nice. Wait till he finds out she’s the final Cylon.

Dualla’s all humming and happy as she puts her jewelry in her locker. Lt. Felix Gaeda tells her she’s all glowing. He leaves and she hums, hangs up her wedding ring and then shoots herself in the head. Let me say that one mo’ ‘gain.

Dualla shot herself in the frakkin’ head! What the frak!

Ok, my prediction now is that she’ll return later as the final Cylon. She must have had a memory of herself on Earth when she found the jacks… that’s why she freaked out. She knows killing herself means she resurrects. But no… the major resurrection hub was destroyed… but maybe final five don’t rez like the others. Oh, hell, I don’t know!

10:40 – Lee mourns over Dualla’s sheet-covered dead body. Adama finds him and they wonder what the hell Dualla was smoking. “I don’t frakkin know, ” says Adama. Alone with Dualla, Adama asks, “What did you do?” as he looks at her under the sheet.

Um, it’s pretty obvious what she did. She blew her pretty head off.

Adama storms through the halls of Galactica demanding a loaded sidearm from a nearby soldier. People are all fighting in the halls, garbage is strewn about, the words, “FRAK EARTH” are spray painted on the walls. I expect someone to start singing, “I’d move heaven and Earth to get outta Skid Roooow!”

Adama staggers into Tigh’s quarters drunk. “Sit down, Cylon!” They’re gonna have a heart-to-heart. Ohh, it’s on like Donkey Kong! Adama wonders if Tigh was programmed to be his friend. Adama starts shit-talking Tigh’s dead wife, Ellen. He says she was whore banging half the fleet cause she must have sensed that something was wrong with Tigh. Hmm, maybe. I just think she was that kinda whore. But, whatevs. Tigh threatens to shoot Adama in the head till he realizes that’s what Adama wants. He tells him to man up like Dualla, and do it himself. Atta Cylon!

10:52 – Lee changes the fleet count on the whiteboard to reflect Dualla’s death. Starbuck enters to tell him about the signal and finding her own dead body, but before she can, he tells her about Dualla. She figures finding out that one girl you used to screw is dead is enough for one night and keeps her news to herself.

Adama orders Gaeda to find the nearest star cluster. He’s blowing this dump called Earth. They call the Cylon base ship to see if their new allies want to ride shotgun. Adama gets on the horn and tells the fleet they’re leaving. He neglects to tell them that the 13th colony they idolized and followed to Earth were Cylons.

Back on Earth, Tigh tells everyone to get it together – they’re leaving in 15 minutes. D’Anna says she’s staying on Earth to die with her ancestors. It beats dying in the dark when Cavil (number 1) catches up with the traitorous Cylons. Tigh says he’s sticking with The Old Man (Adama) and he trusts him to find them a new home.

Tigh staggers out into the ocean … I guess to say goodbye? Who knows? Either way, he’s waist deep when he has a flashback to HIS time on Earth….

Chaos, people are screaming… someone is calling him, “Sol!” He finds his wife, Ellen, in some rubble. Nukes are going off in the distance.

“It’s okay,” she tells him, “It’s okay. Everything’s in place. We’ll be reborn. Again. Together.”

The nuke kills them.

It ends with Tigh in the water realizing that Ellen is the final Cylon!

Sonofabitch! I was wrong.

Ellen Tigh a.k.a The Final Cylon

So, what don’t we know?

Where are the rest of the Cylons and how long before they catch up with the fleet and the rebel Cylons? Where the hell is Ellen? Tigh killed her on New Caprica when he found she was boffin’ Brother Cavil (number one) and giving the Cylons info in exchange for his release from a Cylon prison. Where would she resurrect? Where did the final five resurrect when they died 2,000 years ago? Did they design the other seven models? What up with Starbuck?! Why couldn’t she die? For real, I mean. I hate her. More, more, more.

What did you think?

Greatest.show.ever.