Big Brother 11 – “Welcome to the Party”

The pity party!!!

Previously on Big Brother: Chima targeted Russell during her HOH reign. The house didn’t know that America awarded Jeff with the Coup D’etat power. At last week’s elimination, Jeff used the power to remove both Lydia and Russell from the block and nominated Natalie and Jessie. Jessie was evicted. Michelle won the next HOH competition.

And now…

Flash back to Jeff standing up to reveal he was the coup d’etat winner. Jordan’s jaw literally hit the floor. Kevin clutched his pearls. Chima looks like a house just fell on her sister.

As everyone votes one by one, Chima berates Jeff for using the power. Even Jessie acknowledges it was a smart move, but logic goes on deaf and dumb ears. Jeff explains that Jessie and Natalie were ruling the house and no one was putting them up. Jessie whispers, “It’s not like that.”

Brother, it was EXACTLY like that!

As we see Jessie’s eviction, Chima and Natalie cry in the diary room. Like, actual tears. These bitches are crazy. On  his way out, Jessie stiff-arms Kevin.

Lydia cries that Jessie didn’t get in her head, he got in her heart. And you got in his pants, Skanky. Before the HOH Chima and Natalie still bitch that Jeff had the nerve to do something that benefited him in the game.

Michelle wins HOH. She’s so weird.

Russell is shitting bricks because he has berated Michelle in the past. Everyone admits that they have no idea where her head is at in the game.

Jeff points out to Jordan, Michelle, and Russell that whether they will admit it or not, he opened the door for everyone to get the money because no one was willing to nominate/go against Jessie. True dat.

In the red room, Chima and Natalie realize they have to really push Michelle to nominate Russell.

Everyone goes up to see Michelle’s HOH room. It’s as exciting as she is. Moving on…

Outside, Russell tells Jeff that if they are on the block and he wins POV, he’ll use it to take Jeff off. Russell is so full of shit. In the HOH room, Russell kisses Michelle’s ass so she won’t nominate him. He apologizes for yelling at her and calling her crazy. They hug it out.

Big Brother gives them Chinese food on eviction night. Jordan and Russell eat outside with Jeff who can’t eat because he’s on slop. Meanwhile, Natalie, Chima, and Lydia toast to Jessie.

In what has to go down (no pun intended) as one of the most poorly-worded toasts ever, Lydia, the girl who went down on Jessie numerous times says, “We only got a taste of him…”

*GAG*

Then, the three Bitches of Eastwick proceed to cry over the fact that Jessie was evicted. This is made even funnier by the cuts to Kevin’s diary room where he rightfully points out that Jessie nominated Chima, voted to evict Lydia, and then stiff-armed him for keeping Natalie in the game.

The next morning, Michelle admits to Jordan, Jeff, and Russell that she’s thinking of putting Chima up. Russell and Jeff damn near dance a jig in excitement.

During the Have/Have Not competition, Chima continues to act like a twat.

Then we get a super stupid segment on Lydia’s stuffed unicorn, Dae Yum Yum. That bitch is crazy.

Outside, Russell asks Jordan if she likes Jeff and if she’d date him outside the house.  She also points out that she’s also 22 and not sure of what she wants. Jeff asks Jordan if she wants to get married, and she says yes. She demands a square-cut diamond. He says he’ll get her diamond grills instead. Then he says she’ll be happy with whatever he gets her and then I swoon because he’s hot when he’s forceful and shit.

Natalie asks Michelle where her head is at. She hints that she won’t be putting Russell on the block. Natalie leaves and Chima comes in. Michelle warns her that she won’t like the nominations. Chima doesn’t like it, but you can tell she’s still trying to play nice still because she doesn’t want to get nominated. She warns Michelle that if she doesn’t put Russell up, he’s gonna come after Michelle.

Oh, America gets to vote for more Have Not food. Please God, let churros and chitlins win. That would be awesome.

Nomination time!

Michelle nominates Chima and Natalie. Bwahahahahaha! I love it.

DO NOT READ FURTHER IF YOU DON’T WANT SPOILERS:

By now you all know that Chima went all psycho-bitch and left the Big Brother house. How does this affect the jury vote and this week’s Double Eviction? Tune in tomorrow night and Thursday to find out!

Big Brother 11 – “Go Make Jessie a Sandwich.”

Previously on Big Brother: Ronnie got called out for being a weasel. Everyone wanted him gone. But when Jessie got HOH, he put up Jordan and Michelle. Michelle won POV and took herself off the block. Everyone outside of Jessie’s clique assumed that Ronnie would get back-doored, but Jessie put up Casey instead. Natalie and Lydia fight over Jessie. Kevin came up with the brilliant idea to save Casey so he can gun after the athletes, but like all good ideas in the Big Brother house, it was quickly discarded by the house of idiots.

And now…

Julie announces that tonight the cliques will be broken up AND a new power is unleashed on the house. Ooooh! Poor Casey sits in the nomination chair wearing the banana suit he’s been forced to wear all week. Oh, the humiliation.

Casey realizes that there was little shock or outrage at his nomination. Jeff looks really hot in glasses. (Not really relevant, but it needed to be said.) Jordan points out that the only reason Ronnie is still around is because he’s Jessie’s little bitch. Suddenly, I have a new respect for Jordan… even if she can’t tell time.

Lydia sneaks into the HOH room while Jessie is sleeping and just stares at him while he sleeps. In the diary room she confesses that she likes to watch him sleep and that she hopes he’s thinking about her.

OK, that bitch is creepy.

Jordan admits that she won’t campaign because Casey has a big mouth and will most likely sink himself. Man, how could I have misjudged her so badly?

Casey tells Kevin that he’s sad that everyone is acting like Jessie’s sheep. Kevin asks if he thinks he can get enough votes to stay. Kevin doesn’t want the athletes running the show. Casey points out that Lydia loves Jessie too much to flip.

“He can be laying in bed with another bitch and she’ll make him breakfast.”

True dat.

Casey puts doubts in Russell’s head that he is the low man on the athletic totem pole. He suggests an alliance between the two of them and Jeff. Russell seems open to the possibility.

Next, we have to listen to Jeff and Jordan’s families gush over what a cute couple they make. NEXT!

Then, Julie questions the houseguests on the events of the past week. When she tries to press Natalie and Lydia on the tension between them, they pussyfoot around. Proving she’s no Jeff Probst, Julie lets it go. LAME!

When she talks to Jessie in the HOH room, he plays dumb too which isn’t really hard for him. Again, Julie lets it drop because she sucks.

Casey and Jordan each give a “please don’t evict me” speech. Jordan’s is all sugar and spice and everything nice. Casey, on the otherhand, goes out like a gangsta. He thanks BB for choosing him. He apologizes to his family.

Then he calls Ronnie a dorkopotamus and says Jessie is a self-absorbed and wears smedium clothes!! Holy shit, that was funny. He also says that Jessie has a personality and IQ of a banana. It is probably the best speech ever. Chima can’t even front cause she went on her own little tangent two weeks ago.

It’s vote time. Everyone votes to evict Casey except (surprise surprise) Russell.

As Casey leaves he tells Jessie his word ain’t shit. Jessie doesn’t respond, but Natalie starts yapping at Casey’s ankles.

“What are you his pitbull? Go make Jessie a sandwich!”

GOD! Why does he have to go? He’s awesome.

Lydia hugs Natalie and calls her, “little pitbull.” Fake-ass bitch.

Julie announces to the house that the cliques are disbanded and there’s a secret power up for grabs. America will vote who receives it. The power has to be used within the next two weeks and can only be used once. The only way to guarantee your safety is to get HOH or Veto.

The power, Julie tells America, is the Coup D’etat. The power allows you to replace one or both nominees before everyone votes.

Everyone, vote for Jeff!

The new HOH competition begins. The houseguest sit on boards suspended in the air. They are spun around and hit with a giant diploma which looks like a giant penis. The first five people to drop get to pick an envelope with a secret prize in it. One has money. The last person standing gets the new HOH!

Woohoo!

Big Brother 11 – Technotronics

Previously on Big Brother: Laura tries to use her feminine wiles (read: big tits) to seduce Jughead a.k.a. Jessie, but he ain’t tryna hear it. The other athletes are intimidated by Lydia and want Jessie to nominate her. Ronnie approaches Jessie with a brains/athletes alliance. He likes the idea and considers using a brain as a pawn at nominations to mask the deal. Chima makes it easy for him to nominate her when she goes black girl crazy after her clique loses the food competition. Jessie also nominates Lydia

And now…

Lydia cries over her nomination and everyone consoles her. Chima notices this and whines to her fellow brains that no one is consoling her. They’re probably worried they’ll get that sticky-ass, shiny-ass, lip gloss on their clothes.

Jeff realizes he’s on the outs with his alliance because he didn’t know who was being nominated. Yeah, that ain’t good. He doesn’t help his cause by being one of the crowd comforting Lydia.

Ronnie tries to reassure Chima by sharing with her a secret. Not just any secret. A national one. “I’m the national champion in persuasive speaking.”

That’s like being the valedictorian of summer school. No one gives a shit.

Laura admits to Russell and DJ Casey that she (and everyone else) thought she was going up. She is upset that it was such a foregone conclusion. Why? She’s nice. She’s likable. Why the hell would Jesse nominate her?! Is it the boobs? That’s not fair.

Bitch, settle down. You’re not even nominated!

Russell and Jessie are in the HOH room discussing the fact that they lost Jeff. This makes me happy because Jeff is cute and nice and I’m pretty sure meathead douchery is contagious. He’s better off. They decide to scoop up Laura for her vote to replace Jeff. She is so happy someone is talking to her she readily agrees to be on their team.

Next, a montage of Braden being a complete fool. I like it, and I like him.

For the veto comp, Jessie pulls Russell’s name, Chima gets to pick and picks Natalie (dumbass), and Lydia pulls Jeff.

Ok, I just noticed that Chima’s top lip turns up soooo much, it touches her nose. I can’t stand it.

In the veto comp, the contestants have to pop fake zits and gather giant Scrabble tiles and then use the tiles to spell the biggest word.

Jesse thought he spelled CONTINUOUSLY but he missed a U.

Natalie had ten minutes to spell a word and came up with LAST.

Chima is disqualified because she tried to spell SUPERFICIALITY, but couldn’t find all the letters. They were probably hidden in her weave.

Russell spelled SHOTGUN.

Jeff tried to spell technotronics. That’s not even a word.

Lydia tried to spell CIVILIZATION, but couldn’t find all of the letters.

Russell wins. These people suck.

The athletes plus Laura assume that Jeff threw the veto comp.

Russell decides to be an asshole and pick a fight with Jeff in the backyard. He makes fun of him for trying to spell technotronics. Russell should shut up because a retarded chimp with dsylexia could spell shotgun.

After Russell scurries his weasel ass inside, Natalie decides to put her two cents in and Jeff pretty much offers a big glass of shut the fuck up. The athletes have totally made themselves a target. I despise them all…except Jeff.

Lydia tries to schmooze Russell and he tells her it was Natalie and Jessie’s idea to put her up. Uh, no. It was his. She buys it because she has no choice but to. She goes up to Jessie to talk shit about Natalie until Natalie walks in. And then it’s big-ass fake-ass lovefest.

“I’m so sorry I misunderstood you.”

“No, I’m so sorry I misunderstood you!”

I’m so sorry I’m watching this mess.

Lydia throws Braden under the bus.

Jessie, Natalie, and Russell meet in the HOH room and discuss back-dooring Braden. Russell meets with Ronnie in the storage room and Ronnie agrees that he’d vote out Braden. THEN Ronnie scampers off and tells Jeff and Jordan. They realize that Braden leaving would screw them hard sans lube, so they rush to tell Braden. Russell figures out that Braden knows because Braden is walking around all sourpuss face. He confronts Ronnie in the storage room and I swear you can pinpoint the exact moment Ronnie shit his pants.

Ronnie swears up and down he didn’t say anything to Braden and you can tell Russell doesn’t believe him. Russell takes Jessie into the storage room and tells him Ronnie needs to be watched.

At the veto ceremony, Russell uses the veto on Lydia (gotta give her props for saving her ass) and puts up Braden (nooooo) instead.

This sucks ass.

Big Brother 11 – Wedgie, Anyone?

Big Brother 11 started with it’s usual surprise delivery of the keys to the BB house. Each contestant spouts off a stale and corny introduction.

“I’m Nina and this blogger will…. um.. blog… you… out?”

After entering the house and choosing rooms (some unfortunate souls will be sleeping in a bathroom on inflatable pool beds), the 12 houseguests were informed by host Julie Chen that their worst nightmares were coming true. They’re going back to high school! The 12 were broken up into 4 cliques: Brains, Athletes, Popular, and Offbeat.

Chima (Brains) – everything about Chima is exaggerated: her hair, her eyebrows, her forehead, her mouth, her teeth, her smile, her eyes and her fake-ass personality. Also, that weave needs to be about 4 inches lower on her forehead.

Oh, and by the way, she’s about to turn 33.

Ronnie (Brains) – If his online bio didn’t say he was married, I would swear picking up his controller is the only action this gamer’s “Wii” gets. His reaction to getting into the BB house was faker than Chima’s hair.

Michele (Brains) – is a neuroscientist but no one in the house knows it. She’s as bland as oatmeal without the milk, butter, and sugar. You know, the good stuff. She claims to be able to spot a lie a mile away. I hope for her sake it’s true because she’s the kind of player that this game usually chews up and spits out, and then chews it up again before pooping it out in the backyard.

Russell (Athletes) – is a douchebag. Anyone that has their friends refer to them as “Russell the Lovemuscle” is a douchebag of the highest order.

Natalie (Athletes) – This girl put the lie in Natalie. She said she’s 18.

Jeff (Athletes) – I suspect Jeff will leave the game early due to testicular strain. All the girls are swinging from his nuts.

Jordan (Popular) – She’s blonde.

Braden – He’s a douchebag

Laura (Popular) – She has the biggest, fakest, tits in reality TV history. Also, what up with having to have a horse-faced chick every season?

If I were playing this season, I’m sure I’d be in either the Brains or the Popular group… but I’d want to be in this next group because everyone knows the true cool kids are the offbeat outcasts.

Lydia (Offbeat) – She’s covered in tats, she’s funny, and she seems really nice. I like her.

Kevin (Offbeat) – My friend Richard asked, “Why does every gay guy on reality TV have to be soooo gay?” I love Kevin! My man walked into the house rocking turquoise pants, and a hot pink and purple striped shirt. He totally called that Natalie was full of it, saying in the diary room, “Honey, you’re 25!” And he understandably cringed when he learned that the show would be time traveling to high school. I don’t think he has to worry. I bet the populars and athletes go after each other first.

Casey (Offbeat) – Offbeat Casey reminds me of deadbeat DJ Spermdonor. Seriously. They act alike and look alike and Casey is also a DJ. Unlike DJSD though, he has a real job during the day and seems to take care of his kids.

Julie informed the houseguests that though they are in cliques, they will be nominated as individuals and evicted as such. BUT, if a member of your clique wins HOH, you and your other cliquemate are safe from nomination that week. They take part in the first HOH competition where they hang from a beam suspended by giant underwear that are pulled up the crack of their asses. They have to hang on to a toilet seat for as long as they can. The last person hanging wins for their clique, but they are not HOH.

One of four previous BB players from seasons past (one representing each clique) will return to the game depending on which team wins the challenge. That player will be HOH. At the end of it all, the athletes win. I call bullshit – a clearly athletic first competition that kind ensures that the mega douchebag below (Jessie from BB10) will return to the game and amp up the drama.

Not only is he hard to look at (those muscles are just too big and not hot), but I’m pretty sure he’s a functioning ree-ree.

So, who will Jessie nominate? Is it smarter to nominate two from one clique to minimize the number of people you piss off?

I predict that Jessie and Russell will either band together to form one giant bag of douche OR they will hate each other on sight. I’m hoping for the latter.

P.S. I’m going to try and avoid spoilers and BB After Dark on Sho2 for as long as I can.