Take It or Leave It: Crotch Shots and Low Blows
April 23, 2010 by nina
Filed under Featured, Take It Or Leave It
Dear Nina,
When trying to get to my seat in a sporting event or movie theater do I face my ass or my crotch towards the other patrons? Thanks!
Confuzzled in Conroe, TX
Dear Confuzzled,
How bout you get there early enough so that you don’t have to worry about doing either?
I kid. I kid.
This is a serious question and something I’ve struggled with it. I’m not a big fan of putting my crotch in people’s faces (at least not for free), but I have to say that if I’m the person doing the scooting by, I’d prefer to face the person I’m annoying. I want to see the look of disgust and inconvenience as I block their view and step on their toes.
And this holds true if I’m the person seated as well. Butts are rude and I don’t want to see yours. I want you to face me so I can be sure that you see my look of disgust and inconvenience as you block my view and step on my toes.
So, my final answer is, you can’t go wrong with a crotch shot.
(Just make sure you wash your lady parts before you leave the house and you should be fine.)
***
Dear Not So Flat-Chested,
I’m glad that you already recognize that a true friend isn’t someone that constantly puts you down and makes fun of you. You’ve already uncovered what I think is the real problem: your “friend” has low self-esteem. She needs to find problems (or things she perceives to be problems) with you to make her feel better about her own life.
Now if it were me, immediately after she made the boobs comment, I’d have jumped in her ass. But that’s just me and I realize that not everyone is as badass. So maybe you don’t say something like, “Bitch, I can always get a boob job, but you can’t buy a new husband,” but a, “Don’t be surprised if I never come over here again,” might have done the trick.
Either she’d have stopped, knowing exactly what you meant, and apologized OR she’d have pressed on, playing stupid, “What do you mean? I was just joking!” The latter would have provided you the perfect opportunity to lay out why her comment was rude, inappropriate, and humiliating. Saying something right then would have also let her know that such mess won’t be tolerated.
But what’s done is done. From here on out I say you definitely deal with this head-on. If there’s one thing I can’t stand is people that hold on to grievances in silence. Whether you’re right or wrong in the way you feel (and it doesn’t sound like you’re wrong when it comes to this “friend), you need to get this out. A phone call or email should do.
“Listen, I know I haven’t been returning your calls, but that’s because when you said blah, blah, blah, that really pissed me off and hurt my feelings. Also, when you blah, blah, blah, that bothers me too. It’s just been easier not dealing with you. I don’t need to spend time with someone who is constantly being a bitch.”
Note: you’re not making any mention of continuing the friendship if that’s not what you want. This is strictly about making a clean break so she can stop calling and hopefully change her behavior in the future. If you want to give the friendship another shot, then you say the same as above but add, “Bitch,you got one more time to come out your face and I’ma hurt your feelings and be done with you.”
And, you’re welcome.
-N
So, what do you guys think of my advice. Should Confuzzled and Itty Bitty Titties take my advice or leave it? Anything you want to add?
And if you or someone you know needs me to solve a problem, shoot an email to nina@blogitoutb.com and you might see it featured here in future installment of Take It or Leave It.
Take It or Leave It
April 16, 2010 by nina
Filed under Blog It Out, Bitch
Starting next week, with the arrival of all new (consistent!) blogs on BIOB, I’ll be posting a weekly advice column called Take It or Leave It.
Here’s how it will work:
People will write me with their problems and I will solve them.
That’s pretty much it. What? You were expecting more?
Well, you may be asking yourself, “What qualifies her to give advice?”
I’ll tell you:
1. I am awesome.
2. I am funny.
3. I can write really well so at the very least, the advice will look pretty… while being awesomely funny.
4. Multiply number 1 by 100.
And really, what qualifies anyone to give advice? A degree in psychiatry and mental wellness, you say? Psssh. Whatever.
I hear ya. Kinda. And just so I won’t bear the responsibility alone, you (yes, you!) will be involved as well. Once I post my pearls of wisdom, you will each get to vote on whether or not the lost soul should follow my advice. Take it or leave it! Get it?!
So, email me your problems. Spread the word and tell your friends to email me their problems. Make sure to give your name and location, or if you prefer to be anonymous you can sign off as Broke in Boise, Helpless in Hawaii, Desperate in Denver, etc.
nina@blogitoutb.com
And, you’re welcome.
Top Ten Reasons I’ll Own You (And Your Moms) In Halo 3
December 16, 2009 by nina
Filed under Nina's Top Ten
Halo 3 doesn’t get old. It just doesn’t. I can not play that game for months and it’s still as fun as the first time when I start playing again.
Since finishing school last week I’ve been purposely vegging out: I have no desire to do anything important or responsible until after Christmas. Right now, I’m all about playing, writing blogs, watching TV, reading books, and hanging with my family. Hell, I deserve a mental vacation.
Anyway, I’ve been playing a lot of Halo 3. Every time I tweet about it I get someone asking me questions. “Is it fun?’ “Why do you play it so much?” To which I say, “Hells yeah,” and ” Because I’m awesome.”
Don’t believe me? Allow me to provide video evidence. One of the coolest features of Halo 3 is the ability to go back and watch the films of your most recent 25 online games. You can edit out clips, rewind, fast forward, go in slow motion, move the camera angles, and even watch the game from the point of view of any of your teammates or competitors. We really like doing this when something particularly cool happens in a game and we want to go back and watch it over and over again, making everyone in the house bask in our glory. Unfortunately, Microsoft prevents you from putting the video clips on your thumb drive for sharing, so I had to go old school and use my video cam to record the TV.
Top Ten Reasons I”ll Own You (And Your Moms) In Halo 3
10. I’m Mean w/ a Shotgun - While playing a game of capture the flag, I proceed to stick my shotgun up the asses of the blue team.
9. I’ll Kill You and the Guy You Got Protecting You - In the same game, I kill the guy protecting the guy with our flag and the guy with our flag. (They’re lucky I didn’t kill them with the flag.) Then they come back for more.
8. Sometimes, There Is an “I” in Team – In Capture the Flag, you have to go to the other team’s base, grab their flag, and bring it back to your base to score. You can’t do this if they’ve also managed to grab your flag. It has to be returned before you can score.
In the clip you’re about to see, during the live game, I had Kali and Donny yelling at me, “Oh my God! They have our flag! They’re going to score. Nina, do something because only you can save us” (OK, so maybe not that last part)
So, after I fuck shit up for a bit, I pick up a grav lift (a device tossed on the ground and walked over so it allows you to jump really high), toss it next to the building, and then simultaneously jump and save the damn day. THEN, I grab the other team’s flag and wait while Kali, Donny, and our other teammate do God’s know what before I can score.
7. I’m Lethal With The Stickies – In Halo 3, a sticky grenade is one that sticks to whatever it touches and then explodes. They are a lot of fun. It’s particularly fun to stick it to someone as they are running at you, and then back up and watch the fireworks. But the best is sticking it on something near the bad guy and watching him die from standing too close.
6. I’m So Good, I Will Kill By Accident - Here, I lob a sticky grenade blindly around a corner. And get the kill.
5. I’m Good With All the Weapons in the Game – including the sword:
4. … And the Needler – The Needler shoots a steady burst of pink exploding needles. You have to get ten needles into the person to kill them.
3. And the rocket launcher…
2. Getting In a Vehicle Won’t Save You – This guy thought getting into a Ghost was going to help. I blew it up. With him in it. And the explosion also killed his friend who was shooting at me while standing a little too close.
And finally, I will own you (and your Moms) in Halo 3 because…
1. I am not above shooting you in the back. That’s how I roll.
Master Chief's your Daddy. And I'm your Mommy.
***
BONUS:
As juvenile and unsportsmanlike as it is, I love teabagging enemies after I kill them. Teabagging, for you video game newbies, is when you put your crotch area in the face of the dead guy and bounce up and down. It’s suppose to simulate the act of dunking a teabag in cup, but with your testicles.
Here’s what it looks like from my point of view after I kill someone:
And if you’re playing nearby, here’s what the same kill looks like to you:
But now, players have figured out a new way to add shame and degradation to the person they’ve just killed. Below, I demonstrate this after killing a guy:
Nina is a 34-year-old mother, wife and writer who spends her days blogging, studying, changing diapers and watching ridiculous amounts of TV. She currently resides in Atlanta, Georgia, with her husband, two children and three TiVos.
