True Blood – S2E6 “Hard-Hearted Hannah”

Previously on True Blood: Sam discovers that Daphne is a shapeshifter. Hoyt’s grandmother hates on the fact that Jessica calls Hoyt late at night. Lafayette gets his job back, but doesn’t tell Sam what happened to him. Tara tells Maryann she can’t move in. Sookie agrees to go undercover at The Fellowship of the Sun. Sarah seduces Jason. Tara agrees to let Maryann move in after she orchestrates a very bad night for Tara. Eric admits to Bill that Godric is his maker.

And now…

Eric sucks on a blood prostitute in the hotel lobby. He gets annoyed when she wants it too badly. She tries to pretend not to want it, but she can’t pull it off. That’s ’cause Eric is HOT!

Lorena, Bill’s maker, arrives and Eric admits that he didn’t think she’d accept his invitation.

And we have credits…

Sookie and Bill are kissing in bed (gag) when Isabel arrives with her human lover, Hugo. She wants Hugo to accompany Sookie to the church. Hugo says he’ll do it because he’d do anything for Isabel. Sookie reads his thoughts and comfirms to the whole damn room that, yes, he does love Isabel very much.

And I’m all, “Bitch, did anybody ASK you?!” God, I hate Sookie.

In the lobby, Lorena wants to know why she’s there. Eric says that he needs Bill out of the way because he wants Sookie. He says that Sookie is more than a human.

She’s a twit.

Lorena wonders why Eric thinks she’d even have Bill back – she hasn’t seen him in 70 years. Eric says he hasn’t seen Godric even longer than that and he’s still fiercely loyal to him.

Lorena has a flashback to Chicago 1926. They’re at a party where Bill is singing and playing piano. Lorena approaches a couple and pretends to be European. She offers herself and Bill up for a little swinging action after the other party guests leave. The couple agrees. The wife is all atwitter when Bill comes over and introduces himself with a fake-ass French accent.

At Merlotte’s, Sam and Daphne kiss on the pool table. He asks about the scars on her back and she says that something jumped her, but she couldn’t see what it was. The doctors said she was lucky to be alive. Sam tells her that he has told Sookie about him, but that they’ve never been intimate. Daphne thinks that it’s important that people really know who they are. Sam is pussy-whipped.

Tara calls for a pump for the broken water heater at the Stackhouse house. Eggs tries to fix it while Carl gives Maryann a foot massage. Maryann is cranky because she can’t take a hot shower. Tara finds a place with the pump, but it’s two hours away. Maryann tosses Tara her keys, but refuses to let Eggs go with her. Tara comes up with some b.s. reasons why she needs Eggs to go and Maryann finally agrees.

That whole scene just proves why all the supporting players are so much more interesting and entertaining than Bill and Sookie.

At Jesus Camp, Jason and Luke are tasked with building a platform. Sarah is real shitty to Jason because she’s guilty over that bath-time hand job. Steve tells them that the platform is for a ceremony in which a vampire is tied to a cross before dawn and left to roast as the sun comes up.

At the hotel, Sookie and Hugo get to know one another. They agree to pretend to be an engaged couple and that Hugo will do all of the talking. They compare, “We screw vampire” notes and Hugo says that Isabel shuts down whenever he brings up her turning him. He makes Sookie face something she hadn’t realized before – she will get old and Bill won’t.

Tara and Eggs are on the road when he suddenly is able to point out what’s ahead without seeing it. He swears he’s never been on that road before, but he seems to know where he is. He makes Tara pull over and walks into the woods. She follows confused.

At Merlotte’s, Arlene tells Terry they’re going out later and that she has a surprise for him. He says he doesn’t like surprises.

Andy approaches Lafayette in the kitchen. He wants to know what’s wrong with Lafayette. He says Lafayette has lost some of his pizazz. Lafayette claims to have been on a gay cruise for the last two weeks. Andy reasons that if Lafayette had been on a gay cruise, he’d have come back with more pizazz, not less!

Sweet God, EVERYONE on this show is stellar EXCEPT Sookie.

As Andy badgers Lafayette, Lafayette cowers on the floor having flashbacks to his time in the basement. He no longer sees Andy, but Eric in Andy’s clothes with Andy’s voice accusing him of killing Ms. Janelle. Terry comes in and puts a stop to it. He orders his cousin out and reminds him he’s not even a cop anymore. When Andy leaves, Terry takes Lafayette in his arms and talks him through his panic attack.

Hoyt’s Grandmother and her friend are dining in Merlotte’s when Hoyt storms in. She had his cell phone shut off because of the calls he’s been receiving from Jessica. He panics because Jessica might think he’s ignoring her. He puts his foot down and reveals that Jessica is a vampire. I love Hoyt!

Sam approaches Daphne and tells her that they should ditch work, shift, run and play and have sex under the sun. She agrees. They skip out without anyone noticing.

At Jesus Camp, Luke admits that it was jealousy that caused him to make accusations about Sarah and Jason. He convinces Jason that he should practice abstinence. Luke likens adultery to incest, beastiality, and homosexuality.

Sookie and Hugo arrive and when they meet Sarah, Sookie forgets everything they agreed on and does all the damn talking. Sarah offers a tour and a meeting with Steve. When they meet with Steve, they claim to need a new church because the pastor of their old church was a vampire sympathizer… and possibly a homosexual. While they talk Sookie hears Steve’s thoughts as he wonders how the platform is coming along and how he can’t wait to bring the vampire up from the basement so he can get what he deserves.

Lorena has another flashback to Chicago in the 20′s when she and Bill kill the couple and have sex in their blood.

Tara and Eggs have been walking for 45 minutes when they come across a clearing in the woods. Eggs says he has been there before. He doesn’t remember it, but he feels it. There are clothes all over with blood on them, a burned out fire pit and blood on a rock. A lot of blood. Eggs is freaked out.

Sookie and Hugo continue the tour, but Sookie realizes that Sarah and Steve are on to them when she reads their thoughts. Gabe arrives and Steve says he’ll be joining them for the rest of the tour. Ruh-roh.

Andy is drinking and driving when he sees a pig and a dog in the road. The pig is the same pig from Maryann’s house and when Tara ran off the road. Andy chases them, but they get away.

Sam is the dog and Daphne is the pig. Sam wants to know why she became a pig and she said it’s her go-to animal. He also points out that it seems like Andy recognized the pig, but Daphne brushes it off before going down on Sam.

Pam shows up at Merlotte’s and corners poor Lafayette in the freezer. She says that they need him to be back in the V-selling business. He nearly shits himself.

On the church tour, Steve wants to take them to the basement to see the tomb of his father. Sookie and Hugo are nervous, and Sarah tries to talk Steve out of it but he insists. Gabe and Steve force Hugo and Sookie into the basement. As Sookie screams, Bill awakens in the hotel room, but he can’t rush to her rescue because Lorena is there. She overpowers him and refuses to let him up. Apparently, because her blood is in him and she’s his maker, she is stronger than him.

They continue to force Sookie and Hugo in the basement and Steve calls Sookie a cunt.

Tara and Eggs return to the Stackhouse house and find it a mess. They follow a trail of clothes to the woods behind the house where they find a big old orgy going on. Arlene and Terry are having sex, the coroner is there with his woman, and a bunch of other people. Everyone has those black eyes. Men play music while Maryann dances around a fire. Carl seems unaffected as he watches the whole thing. Maryann notices Tara and Eggs and just smiles.

Hoyt surprises Jessica at the hotel with flowers. She’s happy to see him and they kiss.

Jason goes to the church looking for Steve and Sarah. He finds Sarah alone on the balcony. She’s crying and he goes to find out what’s wrong. She complains about Steve. Jason defends him cause he feel guilty about the handjob. Sarah tells Jason that Steve is using them to start a war with the vampires. She alse seems more offended that Steve uses “the c word.” Sarah says she was meant to be with Jason. She convinces him that God wants them to be together and they have sex on the balcony.

So much for abstinence.

Daphne leads Sam through the woods. He hears the drums and doesn’t want to go further. Two people jump out from the woods. They’re possessed too. They grab Sam and drag him to the orgy. He sees everyone, including Tara and Eggs having possessed sex. Daphne tells him it’s the end of the road.

She walks over to Maryann and puts a bull’s head mask on her while Carl holds a big ass knife. Sam screams.

True Blood airs Sundays at 9pm on HBO