BIOBaby: Baby Boner

This is quite possibly the funniest, yet most disturbing, experience of my life…

So, last night Donny, Jack, and I are in bed watching TV. Donny and I are kinda sitting up with our backs against the headboard and Jack is lying horizontal with his head on Donny’s side and his feet against my leg. I notice that his diaper is kinda crooked so I reach over and undo one velcro side strap to fix it.

Jack pushes my hand away and decides to take advantage of having a now-open diaper by sticking his hand inside of it. He starts playing with his little penis and giggling. And not just regular giggles, but squeals of masturbatory delight.

It was as if all the other times he’d found his penis were warm-up and now, well now he meant business. Attempts by me to remove his hand and close the diaper were met with swats from the unoccupied hand with a precision and speed that can only be described as ninja-like.

I tried to be stern, but not too stern. I mean, I don’t want him to grow up with some weird penis complex. But the whole thing was actually quite funny so I’m also laughing like a fool. Donny responded as most men would.

“That’s my boy!”

And Jack is no dummy. Just when he sensed that maybe I was not fooling around anymore, and would no longer be hampered by fits of laughter, he would pull his hand out from the diaper, pat his tummy and say, “Belly. Belly.” As if reminding me that he was smarter than the average bear his age would make up for the fact that he was conducting his first spank-job on my bed!

And because I am like every other mother that likes to brag when she realizes that she is indeed the mother of a smarter-than-average bear, I did what any braggart would do:

I grabbed the video camera from my nightstand… which I realize as I type this sounds incredibly scandalous, delicious, lascivious, and other naughty words that end in -ous.  While my back was turned Jack proceeded to stick his hand back in his diaper and move it around furiously, laughing like a madman. I got about fifteen seconds of footage in which Donny and I can be heard laughing in the background. Jack continued to lie on his back, hand alternating between pulling on his penis and patting his tummy. It was at about sixteen seconds that I realized that we could very well be committing some kind kiddie porn crime.

I snapped the camera closed and voiced my concerns to Donny. This seemed to make the situation at least 35% less funny to him. He got all Caucasian on Jack.

“Jack Ian (insert last name here)!! Stop tugging on your little peter!”

His little peter?

I move Jack’s hand and get serious. I’m not tryna get peed on.

“Belly?”

“No. No belly. That’s not gonna work this time.”

I undo the other side of the diaper and open it up to adjust it properly and there, staring me dead in the face was my son’s angry, swollen, dog-dick red, baby boner.

“Donny, you deal with this!”

Who knew the male penis fascination began so early?!

BIOBaby: No Pee On Me

So far, Jack hasn’t pissed in my face. Or anywhere else on me for that matter. He’s gotten Kali’s foot, our bedspread, and his bath water. But not Mommy. But he’s done some other stuff.

When we first brought him home we didn’t have to worry about accidental squirting because his circumsion was still healing which meant his little business was constantly covered by a vaseline laden gauze. When it was diaper change time, whoever wasn’t changing the diaper helped the other out by preparing a fresh square of gauze with a generous amount of vaseline.  The dirty diaper was opened, butt was wiped, balls cleaned, creases seen to, and a fresh diaper was swapped out. Before closing the clean diaper the old gauze was quickly replaced with the new one. Easy, breezy.

On Monday we were told his circumsion had healed nicely and we could stop using the gauze. All of a sudden big bad Daddy was concerned with getting pee in his face. “Nina, can you pass me the Wee Block?” I just smirked and handed it off. Now the diaper changing routine remains pretty much the same except after we quickly remove the Wee Block, we quickly clean the penis area, and then quickly close the clean diaper.

The other night I was changing Jack’s diaper on my bed. It was probably around 2am. Since I’d been on the Lasix his poop was runny and he was prone to shitty farts, or sharts if you will. He didn’t have a rash, but his little bottom was getting quite red from the constant changes (he’d have a shitty fart just after you changed him and had moved on to nursing) so I decided to put a little Desitin there to ward off a rash.  As I was applying the cream to his booty with my index finger he sharted… on my finger. A warm spray of baby poop got ON not IN my hand, mainly the index finger.

“Jack!”

He responded by farting again.

It’s funny how the bodily fluids of your newborn don’t seem as bad as say… your own. And definitely anyone else’s. I remember when I was a preteen visiting my aunt in South Carolina and she was saying how one of her children had been so congested as a newborn she had to literally suck the snot out of her nose with her own mouth because the suction bulb was too large to fit into the baby’s nostrils. At the time my first thought was, “You nasty.”

Flash forward to 1999-2000 and Kali is sick. I find myself in the same predicament.  I tried sticking my pinky finger in her little nostrils to get the gook out and no luck. I took a deep breath and put my mouth to her nose and sucked out her snot. Don’t judge me!

Later on the same night that he sharted on me we were lying in my bed face to face. He was drifting off to sleep and I was talking to him kinda drifting off myself.  I leaned forward and kissed him on the lips just as he spit up. ON not IN my mouth.

“Jack!,” I said, but it came out more like, “Hmmhgh” because I was afraid to open my mouth.

So yeah, no pee on me. That’s something, right?

BIOBaby: Day Two and What’s Been Happening Since

Warning: For awhile my blogs may be kind of (very) long as I won’t have much time to update daily as I used to. I find I start typing a blog and then I have to stop to go get my nipples sucked raw, change a diaper, or clean a poopy diaper.

Let me start by saying that labor and delivery nurses are the shit. Even though I believe that one led me astray last week, and one made me feel like a druggie, and some were a little less on the ball as most, overall, those women rock! I mean, you gotta respect a profession where you’re expected to check a woman’s menstrual pad, help them go to the bathroom, and check their ass for fissures.

Tuesday, our second day in the hospital, was busy. Somehow I ended up alone with Jack while Donny went to my parent’s house to get Kali and of course that’s when all the shit hit the fan. I don’t really know how it happened. I know I called to order our lunch promptly at 11am when the cafe opened for lunch figuring that it would arrive just as Donny was returning. Then for some reason I decided that then would be a good time to take a shower. I pushed Jack into the bathroom with me (he was in the hospital’s portable crib) and by the time I was done… like, literally as I exited the bathroom, lunch arrived… and he woke up.

So, I found myself sitting on the edge of the hospital bed totally famished and shaking because I was so hungry, rocking his crib with my left hand and eating with one shaky right hand. My lower back felt like it was on fire because I had obviously done too much too soon (remember, I had given birth less than 24 hours before) and I really thought I was going to pass out. When I managed to eat enough so that I wouldn’t faint I had to pick him up to nurse. Of course, during that time a nurse showed up wanting to check my blood pressure, another to check him, and a lady came by asking if I was ready for Jack to take his hospital portraits. I almost chucked my orange shorbet at her.

I know it doesn’t sound like it, but I really do enjoy staying in a hospital. I think it’s for the same reason I love hotels. I loooved being waited on. I love that I don’t have to worry about making the bed (and seriously, I could have used a hospital bed during my pregnancy. They rock!) and changing the linen. I love that the meals (and the special labor and delivery menu was awesome) are delivered to me. All of my meals were free, Donny got one free meal and then each breakfast was $3 and lunch and dinner were each $4. I think he paid for two meals tops the whole time we were there. People like Donny and are always hooking him up with free shit.

Anyway, at some point on Tuesday I became concerned. It seemed to always be a real challenge in getting Jack to latch on and when he did, he didn’t seem to nurse very long. On Monday, he was real mellow. But on Tuesday he was extra fussy and wouldn’t fall asleep when laid down. He would fall asleep in our arms, but start screaming bloody murder the moment we put him down. I speculated to Donny that he might not be getting enough colostrum (sweet, thick substance that comes out before your milk comes in.) Even though he was having plenty of wet and poopy diapers, I noticed he wasn’t burping after nursing.  I wondered if his fussiness was due to hunger or gas. When a nurse came in a short while later she said she could hear his stomach growling as she listened to his breathing. I told her my concern and she suggested we supplement with formula.

I would always offer him breast first, let him nurse as long as he wanted, and then give him formula if he still seemed hungry after that. She brought us these prepared bottles of formula that were only good for one hour after openng.  We noticed a difference immediately. Not only was Jack guzzling the stuff down with hearty burps afterwards, but he was sleeping after eating and sleeping for hours at a time. We decided to continue this process until my milk came in.

At some point on Tuesday a nurse came in to “check me.” Before she could begin I asked, “Is it just you?” See, when I had Kali a doctor came in to check me and asked if I minded if residents watched because it was a teaching hospital. I looked at the four or five residents huddled by the door and said, “They seem a little long in the tooth to not know how to check blood pressure and temperature, but whatever.” Umm, that’s not the checking she meant. Next thing you know I have six or seven people watching as the doctor pulled down my gauze drawers to check the blood on my sanitary napkin and the worst part was being rolled over on my side and having them all watch as the doctor spread my ass cheeks. That’s what I get for being a smartass. This time, the nurse was alone so I only had to suffer the indignity of having ONE person looking up my ass.

I swear the nurses’ shifts must be like four hours long because it seemed like every time we turned around a new one was coming in and introducing herself as my nurse. Most were really nice. One got on my nerves. I was told by Becky, the nurse that helped deliver Jack, that I would automatically get 600mgs of Motrin every six hours and I could get a Lortab every four, but I’d have to ask for the Lortab. So, one night as the new nurse came on she said she’d be getting my Motrin in about 15 minutes and I told her that I was also due for a Lortab.

“Well, that is as needed you know.”

“Well, I need it.” I snapped.

“Well, it can also make you constipated so if the pain is tolerable, you may want to hold off and see if you can move your bowels.”

I didn’t have the vocabulary necessary to express how much I didn’t care if I never pooped again. I was scared I’d bust a stitch. Dr. G. had ordered them to give me stool softeners every so often, but still. Note: Jack was born on Monday and I made it to Thursday before pooping. Guess what? It wasn’t so bad.

Anyway, I waited till that heifer went off duty before I asked the next nurse for a Lortab. Also, I had my prescription of Lortab (prescribed by Dr. G2 on Saturday when she ordered my induction) in my purse so fuck them.

Ok, so we went home on Wednesday. Donny went to get Kali after breakfast and by the time he came back I was pretty much packed and ready to go. Jack was an angel the whole ride home. He slept the whole way. All that heavy formula no doubt.

From Wednesday to Thursday night I worried that he wasn’t nursing enough. It would take him FOREVER to latch on. He would scream and fight it and when he finally did, he’d only suckle for a few minutes and then be done. We thought he was doing it only because he knew the next step was the formula. I was worried that his lack of nursing was causing my milk not to come in. We talked to Beverly and a lactation consultant. Beverly suggested we pump on a regular schedule so Thursday night Donny and I used the breast pump every 2-3 hours for about 20 minutes each time. By Friday morning my breasts were full and achy and I was getting a little milk when I pumped.

I decided to take Jack off the formula cold turkey. The whole weekend was torture. Getting him to latch on was damn near impossible, but I didn’t give up. So many times I wanted to just give him a bottle of formula so we could all get some rest, but I held strong. I talked to Scariella Is Milo’s Mommy (I seriously have the best Myspace friends/readers) and she had some really good suggestions including the old “bait and switch.” This involved me cradling Jack in a nursing position but letting him suck on a pacifier. Just as he was getting into it I’d remove the pacifier and stick my breast in instead. That worked quite a few times. Finally, what really worked was Donny making a small bottle of formula and putting a few drops of it on my nipples before feeding. I know, I know, it’s trickery, but it worked. Sunday was the first day that he latched on as soon as the breast was presented and nursed for long periods of time. The milk was in and flowing because I could hear him taking deep gulps and there’d be milk around his mouth when he was done. Woohoo!

But while this was going on we had a new problem. *sigh* I have been extremely swollen since delivery. It’s most noticeable on my right foot which is huge. Every day it got worse. I’d have trouble breathing when laying down and walking was painful.  On Saturday Dr. G. called in a prescription for Lasix which is supposed to help drain the excess fluid from my body. When I asked if it would affect my milk he said that since my milk was just coming in he doubted it. I wasn’t convinced. We waited an hour after he called it in and then called the pharmacy. The pharmacist said that if I took the drug it would dry up my milk. I lost it.

I cried almost all of Saturday and Sunday. I refused to take the medication. I begged Donny hysterically, “Please don’t make me do this. Please don’t make me do this.” Donny told me that at night he would listen to me struggling to breathe and was scared I was going to die. Yet I refused. Even at night when I couldn’t breathe and Dr. G. told me it was most likely due to fluid in or around my lungs. On Sunday evening I let Donny go get the prescription but was tempted to flush the six pills when he wasn’t looking. When I finally agreed, after my Dad came over to talk to me and my mother talked to Donny and Sophie put in her two cents, to take the medication I still managed to stall.  Jack was just getting the hang of breastfeeding and I would break down into tears every time I thought that this time would be my last time nursing him.

“When are you going to take it?”, Donny would ask.

And I would just cradle Jack and cry and say, “After this feeding. Just one more. I promise.”

I called Beverly at home and she said that the drug wouldn’t hurt Jack and it wouldn’t dry up my milk. I was STILL scared. Finally, I looked up a La Leche League leader in my area and called her at home. This poor woman. Here I am, a stranger, calling her at 9:30pm near tears. She looked up the drug and explained that it was sometimes given to newborns directly in higer doses than I’d been prescribed so I probably shouldn’t be concerned with Jack getting it in the breastmilk and there was no real evidence that it would DRY UP my milk and that it only said that it MAY reduce my milk supply. To fight that she suggested that I just feed and pump like crazy. The more milk you put out, the more you produce.

It’s Tuesday afternoon as I type this and I have one pill left. Yesterday we took Jack to the pediatrician. He passed his hearing test, but he’s lost four ounces since birth. Considering he just started latching on properly the day before the doctor said it wasn’t anything to be concerned about, but did suggest we bring him by tomorrow (Wednesday) w/o an appointment for a quick weight check. She also said that the medicine wouldn’t affect Jack or my milk. Since we were in the building we stopped in to see Beverly and big mouth Donny told her how bad my breathing was the night before and how he was thisclose to calling 911. She insisted that we go in the back and see Dr. G.

He told me that though the pills say one a day, not to wait 24 hours between doses. He said they only last 4 hours so I should be taking them every 4 hours to get it over with. He also said he was a little mad when he called to check on me and found that I hadn’t filled the prescription right away due to something a lactation consultant said. He assured me that he would never give me something that would hurt Jack and that though he understood my desire to breastfeed, if I die of lung failure that doesn’t do Jack any good either. True dat.

The pill is supposed to make you pee a lot, but I swear I’m not peeing anymore than usual, but something is working because my right foot looks close to normal. I have to check in with Dr. G. today because he goes out of town tomorrow. He said I may need to have some sort of cardiac scan to make sure I didn’t develop cardiac miopathy (sp?) Oh, another side effect of excess fluid in your body? Body aches. I would wake up in the middle of the night or first thing in the morning and feel as if I’d been beaten with a bat from head to toe. Not fun.

So, that’s the latest. I have one pill left. I feel and look better, though walking still hurts like a bitch. We’re going to get Jack dressed soon (the boy sleeps most of the day and likes to hang at night) and take him out in the stroller. Nothing too far. Just up the block and back.

Kali started 4th grade at her new school yesterday. She loves it. Her favorite thing so far? Her Trapper Keeper. Boy, those things have come a long way since we were in school. It’s awesome!  Her least favorite thing? Her new school bus schedule. She used to get on the bus around 8am and was home between 3:45-4pm. Now, her bus arrives at 7:15am, but she gets home around 3:15-3:20.

As for Donny, he’s proven to be an amazing father. He’s so gentle with Jack, but at the same time it’s like he’s a newborn pro. He changes diapers without having to be asked to. It’s funny because while Jack’s circumcision was healing we had to keep it covered with a gauze covered in vaseline and were instructed not to use a baby wipe on his penis. So, when changing him we’d first prepare a new gauze and have it ready on the side with a new diaper and the wipes, we’d keep his penis covered and wipe everything else, put the new diaper under him, and swap out the gauze last minute. This ensured that we didn’t accedentally swipe his raw penis with a baby wipte and that we didn’t get peed on… though Jack did get Kali on the foot once and spray our bedspread another time.

Yesterday, the doctor said he’s all healed so we don’t have to use the gauze anymore. Now, all of sudden Donny is looking for something to cover Jack’s wee-wee. Why? Because he doesn’t want to get peed on.  I had to laugh and give him a big, “I told you so!” Then I tossed him the Wee Block. Bet his ass is glad I bought it now. Jack’s belly button stump also fell off Sunday night so he can take a real bath now though I’m waiting till tomorrow so it will be one full week since his circumsion before I put him in water.

Anyway, back to Donny. Donny does all the hard stuff I don’t want to do… or I’m too scared to do. If Jack finds his way to the first floor, Donny carried him there. We only had to do it once at the hospital, but Donny was the one to use that bulb thingie to get the excess fluid from his mouth. And when it comes to his long finger nails Donny files them because we’re both too afraid to use the baby nail clippers.

As for Jack, his personality (so far) is a mixture of both Donny and I. He’s quiet most of the time, like Donny. But when he gets annoyed he goes from zero to eighty in like five seconds. He gives you little warning before he loses his shit, and when he does you better watch out. Just like his Mommy. He’s fascinated by Kali and follows her with his eyes whenever she’s in the room. She loves holding him until he poops then she’s all, “Ok, someone take him.”

Aaaaand, I think that’s about it. Life is good. Sleep in elusive. But life is good.