BIOBaby: Baby Boner

This is quite possibly the funniest, yet most disturbing, experience of my life…

So, last night Donny, Jack, and I are in bed watching TV. Donny and I are kinda sitting up with our backs against the headboard and Jack is lying horizontal with his head on Donny’s side and his feet against my leg. I notice that his diaper is kinda crooked so I reach over and undo one velcro side strap to fix it.

Jack pushes my hand away and decides to take advantage of having a now-open diaper by sticking his hand inside of it. He starts playing with his little penis and giggling. And not just regular giggles, but squeals of masturbatory delight.

It was as if all the other times he’d found his penis were warm-up and now, well now he meant business. Attempts by me to remove his hand and close the diaper were met with swats from the unoccupied hand with a precision and speed that can only be described as ninja-like.

I tried to be stern, but not too stern. I mean, I don’t want him to grow up with some weird penis complex. But the whole thing was actually quite funny so I’m also laughing like a fool. Donny responded as most men would.

“That’s my boy!”

And Jack is no dummy. Just when he sensed that maybe I was not fooling around anymore, and would no longer be hampered by fits of laughter, he would pull his hand out from the diaper, pat his tummy and say, “Belly. Belly.” As if reminding me that he was smarter than the average bear his age would make up for the fact that he was conducting his first spank-job on my bed!

And because I am like every other mother that likes to brag when she realizes that she is indeed the mother of a smarter-than-average bear, I did what any braggart would do:

I grabbed the video camera from my nightstand… which I realize as I type this sounds incredibly scandalous, delicious, lascivious, and other naughty words that end in -ous.  While my back was turned Jack proceeded to stick his hand back in his diaper and move it around furiously, laughing like a madman. I got about fifteen seconds of footage in which Donny and I can be heard laughing in the background. Jack continued to lie on his back, hand alternating between pulling on his penis and patting his tummy. It was at about sixteen seconds that I realized that we could very well be committing some kind kiddie porn crime.

I snapped the camera closed and voiced my concerns to Donny. This seemed to make the situation at least 35% less funny to him. He got all Caucasian on Jack.

“Jack Ian (insert last name here)!! Stop tugging on your little peter!”

His little peter?

I move Jack’s hand and get serious. I’m not tryna get peed on.

“Belly?”

“No. No belly. That’s not gonna work this time.”

I undo the other side of the diaper and open it up to adjust it properly and there, staring me dead in the face was my son’s angry, swollen, dog-dick red, baby boner.

“Donny, you deal with this!”

Who knew the male penis fascination began so early?!

BIOBaby: No Pee On Me

So far, Jack hasn’t pissed in my face. Or anywhere else on me for that matter. He’s gotten Kali’s foot, our bedspread, and his bath water. But not Mommy. But he’s done some other stuff.

When we first brought him home we didn’t have to worry about accidental squirting because his circumsion was still healing which meant his little business was constantly covered by a vaseline laden gauze. When it was diaper change time, whoever wasn’t changing the diaper helped the other out by preparing a fresh square of gauze with a generous amount of vaseline.  The dirty diaper was opened, butt was wiped, balls cleaned, creases seen to, and a fresh diaper was swapped out. Before closing the clean diaper the old gauze was quickly replaced with the new one. Easy, breezy.

On Monday we were told his circumsion had healed nicely and we could stop using the gauze. All of a sudden big bad Daddy was concerned with getting pee in his face. “Nina, can you pass me the Wee Block?” I just smirked and handed it off. Now the diaper changing routine remains pretty much the same except after we quickly remove the Wee Block, we quickly clean the penis area, and then quickly close the clean diaper.

The other night I was changing Jack’s diaper on my bed. It was probably around 2am. Since I’d been on the Lasix his poop was runny and he was prone to shitty farts, or sharts if you will. He didn’t have a rash, but his little bottom was getting quite red from the constant changes (he’d have a shitty fart just after you changed him and had moved on to nursing) so I decided to put a little Desitin there to ward off a rash.  As I was applying the cream to his booty with my index finger he sharted… on my finger. A warm spray of baby poop got ON not IN my hand, mainly the index finger.

“Jack!”

He responded by farting again.

It’s funny how the bodily fluids of your newborn don’t seem as bad as say… your own. And definitely anyone else’s. I remember when I was a preteen visiting my aunt in South Carolina and she was saying how one of her children had been so congested as a newborn she had to literally suck the snot out of her nose with her own mouth because the suction bulb was too large to fit into the baby’s nostrils. At the time my first thought was, “You nasty.”

Flash forward to 1999-2000 and Kali is sick. I find myself in the same predicament.  I tried sticking my pinky finger in her little nostrils to get the gook out and no luck. I took a deep breath and put my mouth to her nose and sucked out her snot. Don’t judge me!

Later on the same night that he sharted on me we were lying in my bed face to face. He was drifting off to sleep and I was talking to him kinda drifting off myself.  I leaned forward and kissed him on the lips just as he spit up. ON not IN my mouth.

“Jack!,” I said, but it came out more like, “Hmmhgh” because I was afraid to open my mouth.

So yeah, no pee on me. That’s something, right?