Blog It Out, Bitch Trailer

And because I just had to use this music…

Blog it Out, Bitch the Book

Coming September 2011

 

Take It or Leave It: Crotch Shots and Low Blows

Dear Nina,

When trying to get to my seat in a sporting event or movie theater do I face my ass or my crotch towards the other patrons? Thanks!

Confuzzled in Conroe, TX

Dear Confuzzled,

How bout you get there early enough so that you don’t have to worry about doing either?

I kid. I kid.

This is a serious question and something I’ve struggled with it. I’m not a big fan of putting my crotch in people’s faces (at least not for free), but I have to say that if I’m the person doing the scooting by, I’d prefer to face the person I’m annoying. I want to see the look of disgust and inconvenience as I block their view and step on their toes.

And this holds true if I’m the person seated as well. Butts are rude and I don’t want to see yours. I want you to face me so I can be sure that you see my look of disgust and inconvenience as you block my view and step on my toes.

So, my final answer is, you can’t go wrong with a crotch shot.

(Just make sure you wash your lady parts before you leave the house and you should be fine.)

***

So, what do you guys think of my advice. Should Confuzzled and Itty Bitty Titties take my advice or leave it? Anything you want to add?

And if you or someone you know needs me to solve a problem, shoot an email to nina@blogitoutb.com and you might see it featured here in future installment of Take It or Leave It.

Take It or Leave It

Starting next week, with the arrival of all new (consistent!) blogs on BIOB, I’ll be posting a weekly advice column called Take It or Leave It.

Here’s how it will work:

People will write me with their problems and I will solve them.

That’s pretty much it. What? You were expecting more?

Well, you may be asking yourself, “What qualifies her to give advice?”

I’ll tell you:

1. I am awesome.

2. I am funny.

3. I can write really well so at the very least, the advice will look pretty… while being awesomely funny.

4. Multiply number 1 by 100.

And really, what qualifies anyone to give advice? A degree in psychiatry and mental wellness, you say? Psssh. Whatever.

I hear ya. Kinda. And just so I won’t bear the responsibility alone, you (yes, you!) will be involved as well. Once I post my pearls of wisdom, you will each get to vote on whether or not the lost soul should follow my advice. Take it or leave it! Get it?!

So, email me your problems. Spread the word and tell your friends to email me their problems. Make sure to give your name and location, or if you prefer to be anonymous you can sign off as Broke  in Boise, Helpless in Hawaii, Desperate in Denver, etc.

nina@blogitoutb.com

And, you’re welcome.

I Need You!

I have been agonizing over how to shake up my site. Make some changes. Talk about new things. Talk about old things in new ways. Part of my absence has been due to the fact that real life, at some point, has to take precedence. Sad, but true.

But now that I’m all settled in the new house and found a really nice new rhythm to my life, I’m ready to get back on the blogging horse and ride that bastard!

I need your help. I’ve been tossing around ideas with my bestie (BFF or best friend for those of you not prone to talking like a 12 year-old girl) and not hitting on anything that made me feel like, “Yeah, I’ll write a blog tonight!’ Then I realized I should be asking you. Yes, you.

What do you want to see/read more of? What are some blog ideas you’d like me to tackle. Any ideas for weekly features? I’ll take your suggestions and completely disregard any that suck. But that shouldn’t stop you from participating!

OK. I have to run. I have company coming over for lunch today and I need to find a shirt that will lessen the humiliation factor when Jack pulls one of my tits out at the dining table.

P.S. I have lots of pics of the new house and kids coming up. So, hit me up with those ideas and look forward to new blogs next week. In the meantime, go to the main page and check out my awesome new banner!

Don’t You Hate It When…

… you’re driving through a parking lot, looking for an empty space, and you see someone walking to their car. So, you follow them and follow them and follow them. And then, suddenly, they turn into another aisle because they’re stupid and didn’t remember where they parked.

So now you have to haul ass over to the next aisle, and hope that no one else targets your confused walker. Don’t you hate that?

You make it to the next aisle and the person is getting into their car, and sure enough, there’s another person waiting for the spot with their blinker on.

NO! I saw him first! I followed that moron for MILES!

***

… Again, you’re driving through a parking lot, looking for a spot, when you spot one up ahead. You prepare to swing into the spot only to find it’s occupied by a tiny Mazda Miata. Don’t you hate that? Fuck you, Miata.

Who drives Miatas anyway?!

***

… You rip into a package of food only to realize that it had an easy resealable ziploc? And now you’ve ruined it with a big gapping hole?

***

… You’re driving along minding your business when suddenly you feel the sharp jab of a 10year-old’s knuckles in your spine?

“Punch car buggy no punchbacks, red!”

“Ow! Where?”

“Right there at the light.”

A few minutes later…

*POW*

“Punch car buggy no punchbacks, blue!”

“Where?!”

“You missed it. He turned the corner.”

“I think you’re making shit up.”

“I’m not. You just missed it.”

A few minutes later…

*POW*

“Punch car buggy no punchbacks, Geek Squad!”

“Damnit, Kali! That doesn’t count!”

“Yes it does. It’s a bug.”

***

… You’re on the bowl and discover there’s no toilet tissue… and you’re home alone?

OK. Hit me with some of your own “don’t you hate it when…”

Coming Up on Blog It Out, Bitch

I haven’t forgotten you. It’s just that a funny thing happens when you graduate: you kinda have to find a job. Also, a funny thing happens when you have kids: they kinda have to be fed.

Starting next week, I’m back on a regular blogging/writing schedule. What do you have to look forward to? Glad you asked.

Mommy Monday: You Can’t Make Me! – What are the consequences of forcing our kids to participate in activities FOR us?

Blog It Out, Baby: Breastfeeding at 48 Months (Yes, that’s 4!)

Nina’s Top Ten “Don’t You Hate It When…”

Weekly TV recaps of: 24 and Lost and POSSIBLY American Idol (only because Ellen has joined the show.)

Book Club: You can vote now between:

- Holler at the Moon by Tinesha Davis

- Almost Moon by Alice Sebold

- Hold Love Strong by Matthew Aaron Goodman

I eventually want to read/discuss all three, we’re just voting to see which one goes first.

“What about Fluke?!”

I know, I know. I read it, it was great. Not my favorite Christopher Moore book (A Dirty Job holds that title), but it was pretty funny. My favorite part was his explanation as to why his ex-wife was a lesbian – she, her female co-worker, and their boat were mistaken for a whale vagina by two dueling whales penises and subsequently drenched in whale jizz. I kid you not.

Fiction: How Jenna Found Out I Loved Her – a coming of age story with a twist.

And the return of Ask Me Anything plus, I’ll take blog requests.

Hope you’ll stick around. And tell your friends.

A Little Something Something

Just so you all don’t think I’m dead…

I’ve been super busy with school, house stuff, and… *gasp* working. Well, not really working, but a little something something to put a few extra bucks in the bank account. I am technically an independent contractor conducting covert consumer transactions at various dining establishments and cinemas. You figure it out.

Then there’s school and writing. I’m still querying Sharing Space and writing my next novel, “Tales From the Biosphere.”

It’s not like I don’t have stories to tell, because I do! I just need the time to sit down and blog them. So, I promise, by Monday I will be all caught up on blogs.

What you have to look forward to:

• TV blogs: Dexter, Glee, The Amazing Race, Survivor, Flash Forward and Stargate Universe
• Mommy Monday: Kali has learned about puberty AND rednecks!
• BIOBaby: Jack has learned a new word, can now go down the stairs like a pro, and is still haircut free. Also, he’s still the cutest thing EVER. I’m not just saying that either. I mean, he really is a good looking kid. I’d say that even if he weren’t mine.
• BIOBitch: Donny starts a new position and we prepare for the most minimalist Christmas ever.
• End of Week Thoughts: By next weekend I’m sure I’ll have more, but currently I can’t get over the stupid media coverage of the Letterman extortion case and GOPers who were so down on the stimulus package now begging for some it. Also, I find it hysterical (well, not really) that when Republicans complain about this country or the President it’s them exercising their right to free speech all in the name of liberty and they damn-near masturbate with the flag, but if anyone else does it, they’re un-patriotic terrorist sympathizers that hate America.
• TCTBTF returns: I swear to God, if you people don’t stay on my ass I will blame its giant size on you!
• Fiction: A short story, posted in parts, called, “How Jenny Found Out I Loved Her.”
• Book Club: Blog about Fluke will be posted on Sunday. We can pick a new book next week.

Ok, I gotta run. Jack is going down the stairs unattended. I can hear the fabric of his PJs rubbing against the carpet.

In the meantime, how have you been? What’s going on? What have you been watching? Tell me EVERYTHING!

End of the Week Thoughts 9-25-09

Twitter Twit

Yesterday, a famous comedian changed his Twitter profile pic from a picture of him alone to one of him and his wife. Someone that follows him tweeted, “Your wife has a lazy eye.” Now, that’s not nice and I’m in no way condoning it. In fact, neither is the person that wrote it. She immediately apologized after the comedian responded with a retweet, “Fuck you. You have half a face.” (Her own profile pic showed only half of her face.) Because of the comedian’s brand of humor, I thought that, for the most part, he was joking and took her comment in stride.

For those not well-versed in Twitterverse, a retweet is the email of equivalent of forwarding a message and leaving the original sender’s info intact so that those receiving the message can see it.

Now, all of the people who follow the comedian can see his response to the comment about his wife, as well as who sent it and what she said. What do you think happened? I’ll tell you: quite a few people that follow the comedian proceeded to write the girl and attack her. They cried foul at her audacity to insult the personal appearance of the comedian’s wife by… insulting her personal appearance.

It was ridiculous. Sure, she wasn’t right, but was it really necessary for the comedian to sic his followers on her? Maybe that wasn’t his intention, but he had to know that’s what would happen. It seemed most people felt the need to contact the girl, not in defense of the comedian’s wife, but simply to, in some way, get his attention.

Not cool. Not cool at all.

Grey’s Anatomy -

I waited for this premiere all summer. I still have last season’s finale on my TiVo because I loved it so much. Don’t judge me! There were times when last night’s premiere felt uneven. Not the episode as a whole, but the grief that the characters were supposed to feel (spoiler alert!!!) in regards to George’s death.

While I liked the fact that the two-hour episode spanned a little over one month, and in doing so showed the various ways people deal with grief, I could have done without some of the wow-look-how-oddly-we’re-dealing-with-George’s-death moments. Like the laughing fit at the funeral. Seriously? Also, did Callie really need Izzie to tell her that kind, considerate, awesome George would donate every bit of himself that he could to save another life?

Speaking of Callie, she and Bailey seemed to be the only consistent and believable mourners in last night’s episode. Bailey, who had formerly been tough-as-nails, realized that caring so much for the doctors in her charge had opened her up to pain and disappointment when they got sick (Izzie) or died (George.) In every scene she was dead-on as someone dealing with the shock of losing a friend who had delivered her baby – and don’t forget, she named her son after George!

Just as they quickly and inexplicably made Callie a lesbian, the writers need to unlesbian her ass and put her and Mark back together. They are funny and sexy and have more chemistry standing next to each other in an elevator than he has with Lil Grey in a full-on sex scene!

I did appreciate the moment at the end when each character narrates that after you go through all the stages of grief, and think that you’ve moved on to a place where it will all be okay, there are still the occasional moments when you are hit in the gut with the thought that, “Wow. George O’Malley died.”

Too Cute To Be This Fat –

I really need to get back on the ball. I really need to blog about weight loss. I really need some of you to be strong with me, stay interested, and help motivate me. I really am too damn fine to be fat.

Queries -

I keep getting positive responses to queries for my novel Sharing Space. Also, my short story Amongst the Tulips will be published next month on a literary magazine’s site. I’ll link you guys when it’s up.

I’ve started writing my next novel titled Tales From the Biosphere. It’s funny and it’s flowing and it pretty much writes itself. Also, getting positive literary news doesn’t hurt my motivation.

So, how was your week?

Full of Gratitude

The other day I was watching the Big Brother live feeds and this girl won HOH (just google it), and as she looked at the pictures of her family and friends, and touched the reminders of home that were given to her, she couldn’t stop smiling. She was genuinely happy and appreciative. I couldn’t stop looking at her. It made me happy that she was so happy.

Little did I know that a few days later I’d be sitting at my kitchen table, barely able to contain my own joy, and touching the most thoughtful birthday present.

When I came downstairs this morning there were three packages on the kitchen table. Thank you to Cathy for hooking me up with the first five seasons of SG1. I’ll take good care of them and get them back to you. I’m starting tonight! Thank you to Sophie for Jack’s water bottle. It’s super cute and he used it this morning. And thank you to Kemari for my gifts.

The front of Kemari’s card read, “Happy Birthday to the most exciting, interesting, intelligent, witty, and charming person I know.” And inside, “God, I have to get out more!”

I won’t embarrass her, nor tarnish her bitchy reputation, by revealing all of the handwritten message but it was equal parts snarky (To my favorite snobby bitch…) and sweet (I always got your back… even though you suck!) But what really set me off was one of my presents. She sent me two books; one I’d mentioned many months ago, but she remembered and the other a moleskine notebook.

The note inside read, “A few months back, someone asked you if you had a Moleskine Notebook. As usual, you didn’t seem to know what it was, but when someone explained it, you said you wanted one and that you would get Donny to buy you one.”

I should interject here and say that I don’t remember this, but I’m sure I didn’t sound that demanding.

She continued,”I don’t know if he ever got you one or if you even remembered to ask him, but I remembered. Every WRITER should have a Moleskine Notebook at some point. It’s like a rite of passage. So here is yours.”

Let me tell you something you might not know about writers:

We all think we suck. Even though, deep down, we know we are awesome in our own way, there is still a part of us that second guesses every word we put to paper. See, it usually starts innocently enough – your Dad finds the beginning of a novel you started when you were 17 in the backseat of his car. He’s impressed. You let that fuel you while thinking that he has to say that. He’s your Dad. He’s going to encourage anything that keeps you off the pole.

I assume that everyone who says they liked something I’ve written is lying to be nice. So, to have someone purchase this notebook… I don’t know… it’s like validation. And I’m done talking about it because it will just get me crying again.

***

The thoughtful notes and dozens of birthday wishes carried me to my first day of school and they kept me from choking people in the campus bookstore.

I bought one of the books I need for my Feature Writing class at a different campus bookstore Saturday. It was over $60 brand new. Before my class today, I went to the bookstore on my campus to see if they had it used. The plan was to return the new one, purchase the used one, and save a few bucks.

Outside the bookstore was this huge guy taking backpacks because they don’t allow you in the store with them. He would take your bag, snap a clothespin with a number on it on the strap, and then hand you a clothespin with a matching number. As I waited for my turn, I heard him tell another student that they weren’t buying back used books in the store, and that instead she’d have to go around the corner to an office. When it was my turn, I asked if that included returns and exchanges. He told me no. He said I could take the book in the store with me.

As soon as I walk in the store, an elderly woman at the door says she needs to hold on to the book while I shop. I run to the aisle with the journalism books and find the book in question used. $48. Perfect. I also grab an $11 book I need for the same class. I get in line and the woman at the door brings the book I’m returning over to me. When it’s finally my turn, can anyone guess what the girl at the register told me?

I couldn’t return the book in the store. I had to go around the corner to some office. Now, if it were not my birthday and had I not had such a lovely morning thanks to you, my internet friends, I might have asked out loud the question in my head:

Is it too much to ask for people to know what the fuck they’re talking about?

She offered to hold the two books for me and the fat boy at the baggage claim pointed me in the direction to return my book. I made sure to tell him that he was incorrect in the hopes that it would spare other students a pain in the ass. I told him I’d be back for my laptop bag.

I’m in the office returning the book and I explain to the cashier that when I originally paid for it, $42 was taken from my student ID (which holds your financial aid and scholarship money) and the remaining $20+ came from my debit card. It took her five minutes to figure out how to put the money back on the appropriate cards. She had to walkie-talkie someone for help.Grrr!

At this point, I have like 15 mins to get to class across campus. I hoof it back to the bookstore, breeze past fat boy who is neck deep in backpacks, and get back in the long ass line. I make it to a cashier, point out the books being held for me behind the counter, and ask her to ring me up. She scans both books and tells me the total… sixty-something bucks. I explain that she will have to take the $42 off my student card, and I’d pay the difference on my debit card.

She didn’t know how to do it. And because it is my birthday and I am full of gratitude and well wishes, I didn’t suggest she get a job at McDonald’s since her current position was proving to be too difficult. After she calls for help and figures it out, I leave the bookstore only to set off the alarm. Fuck. Me.

After they figure out that I’m not a book thief, I get in line to get my bag back. Big boy takes the clothespins from the people in front of me, and without even looking at the pins he asks, “Which one is yours?”

What the fuck? What’s the point of the pins if we can just point to any bag and say it’s ours?! Sure, why not hand me that Coach bag there? Thanks!

BUT… it is my birthday. And I am loved. So, I simply handed him my clothespin and pointed to my laptop bag and resisted the urge to hit him in the head with my moleskine notebook.

Thanks to all of you for your birthday wishes. They mean a lot. Most of my family don’t “get” the whole blogging thing, but I do. And I appreciate you taking the time to read and expressing an interest in my life.

Next Page »