24 – Day 8, 8pm-9pm

Previously on 24: Agent Ortiz saves president Hassan’s life. It’s revealed that Hassan’s brother was in on the attack. The assassin’s body is emitting hazardous gas. Bazhaev confirms he has possession of the rods. Renee Walker goes back undercover with the Russians to foil their plans. In the process, she cuts a man’s hand off.

The following takes places between 8pm and 9pm…

In Kamistan, a general gets a call from Hassan’s bro. The general is annoyed that the plan hasn’t gone as planned. Hassan’s bro assures him that he almost has his hands on the uranium.

Bazhaev’s son is dying. He refuses to let his son go to a doctor because it could lead the authorities right to him. His other son convinces Bazhaev to at least let the dying son die at the country house instead in a room behind the kitchen. I mean, damn.

Hassan’s bro assures Bazhaev that the money will be transferred soon. Bazhaev sets him up with some hookers to keep him busy in the meantime.

Jack and Renee tend to Stumpy’s wounds and Jack wants to call Hastings to dime Renee out. She convinces him not to. Jack leaves and Stumpy wakes up. He’s all salty about his fucked up situation, but gets over it when Renee talks about how much money he’ll get.

Redneck Kevin calls Starbuck Dana at work and continues to be a pain in the ass. He threatens to tell Ortiz about Dana’s past if she doesn’t come home.

In the car, Stumpy is chugging vodka and talking about Vladimir and Renee, she quickly shuts him up because he’s obviously about to say some shit she doesn’t want Jack to hear.

Chloe calls Jack to tell him his cover story has been uplinked. He asks her to look into everything between Renee and Vladimir.

Joseph, Bazhaev’s non-dying son, decides to take his brother to a doctor instead of the country house to die.

Hassan admits to his wife that he thought he loved Reed. She wants him to say it. He says they are both to blame for their unhappy marriage. He begs her not to leave. She says she’s outtie.

Stumpy goes inside to soften up Vladimir first. Vladimir is Leoben from BSG! I love him!! He wants to kill Stumpy, but he pauses when he hears Renee is in the car. Vladimir’s man, Hugo, says he believes Stumpy, but he never trusted Renee. Vladimir doesn’t think Renee is the one that ratted them out. He is obviously whipped.

Ortiz is looking for Starbuck Dana, and Arlo tells him that she went home. He looks confused. Well, more confused than usual.

Starbuck Dana goes home and finds Redneck Kevin has some loser in her house. She offers him money to leave and he slaps her around. She swears she didn’t testify against him. He wants her to use her CTU access to get him at least six figures.

Doesn’t CTU give everyone guns? Why doesn’t she just kill his ass?

Chloe tells Jack that it looks Vladimir beat Renee’s ass a few times. He asks if he raped her, and Chloe says there’s nothing in the file about that. Jack knows that Renee tried to kill herself at least once, and that more is going on.

Vladimir’s men pat Renee down. Chloe and Jack feed her answers to gain his trust, but he still puts them in a trunk.

Joseph threatens a doctor with killing his family if he doesn’t help his brother.

Vladimir  pulls over and Jack realizes they’ve been following a decoy vehicle.

Jack tells Renee they are ten minutes out and to stall.

Vladimir shoots Stumpy, but Renee refuses to beg. He wants to know who she is. She says she has nowhere to go and no one to go to. She demands that he kills her, and of course he doesn’t. They dump Stumpy in the river. Jack calls off the backup Hastings had waiting to intercept.

They bought Renee’s cover.

Tick… tock… tick… tock…

24 – Day 8, 4pm-8pm

The following takes place between 4pm and 5pm:

With no reminiscing down memory lane, 24 starts with a bang. Literally. A guy being targeted by a sniper enters a building and finds his friend dead in the bathtub. He makes a phone and learns that another friend has also been shot. He pulls a gun and hauls ass out the building.

The sniper is just about to take a shot at him, when his accomplice realizes it’s not their target. Seems homeboy got a homeless guy to leave the building wearing his jacket. That’s a pretty fucked up thing to do to a homeless guy, but whatever. This is 24.

The guy gets away, but not before being shot in the shoulder.

Jack Bauer is watching cartoons with his granddaughter who keeps bugging him to change the channel. She’s just as annoying as her mother. Speaking of which, Kim calls to tell Jack she’ll be running a few minutes late due to traffic. Later, she speaks with her husband/boyfriend/baby daddy? about Jack not yet saying whether or not hell be moving to Los Angeles with them. He offers to talk to Jack.

President Taylor is in negotiations with president Hassan of Kamistan – they’re offering to dismantle their nuclear systems. They’re at stalemate when his country refuses to have the Americans being the one doing the inspection. Privately, Taylor pushes to give him what he wants.

Jack tells Kim that he wants to move back to Los Angeles with them. He’s gonna pack and meet them at their hotel. There’s all this sappy music playing as he buckles his granddaughter in the car and you just knooow shit is aimed right at the fan.

Right now, the shit is in the form of the guy shot in the shoulder. He watches Jack go back inside his building before packing a gun and following.

A blonde woman gets all pissy when her press credentials are revoked for being invalid. Looks like she won’t be getting into this presidential press conference.

Hassan is informed that the U.S. has agreed to his terms with one condition: they want the head of the inspection team to be an American. Hassan is happy with this, but his brother is not. He thinks they’ve already done too much to appease the U.S. Hassan gets a call from the reporter and she explains that her press credentials have been revoked. Hassan’s bro admits that he had Ms. Reed’s credentials revoked because people are starting to talk. It is sooo obvious Hassan is hittin’ that but he insists he’s not.

Shot in shoulder guy is at Jack’s door. Jack doesn’t look happy to see him. He says he needs Jack’s help. Jack is all, “Victor, I’ll call your ass an ambulance, but that’s about it.” Victor tells Jack there’s gonna be a hit on Hassan before the peace treaty is signed. He wants Jack to call CTU and cut a deal for him (he got the hitman into the country.) Jack takes Victor’s gun and demands to know who the hitter is, but Victor won’t talk without a deal.

The New York CTU offices are all high-tech and fancy. Fancier than normal. Chloe is there, but she’s all outta sorts. She doesn’t like the way Dana (Starbuck from BSG) is treating her like a newbie. Also, Starbuck Dana seems to be engaged to Ortiz (Freddie Prinze, Jr.)

Jack calls Chloe and tells her he needs to speak to the director Hastings. (Bubba from Forest Gump.) She puts him through and he tells Hastings about Victor’s story.  Hastings says hell send a chopper to pick them up at a spot 5 blocks away. Hastings sends Ortiz with a team to pick them up.

The Russian hitman and his guys are listening to police radio and hear a call go over about Victor’s shot up car. They know where he is now.

Taylor is pleased to hear that Hassan has accepted their counteroffer. She gets verklempt when she thinks about the fact that her husband isn’t there to share the moment – peace with the Islamic Republic is something they both always wanted. Turns out they’re divorced now because she sent their daughter to jail.

When Taylor gets word of the possible assassination attempt, her dilemma is now whether to tell Hassan before or after the agreement is signed. Rob, the chief of staff, thinks they should tell him, Ethan doesn’t.

Jack calls Kim and tells her that he’ll meet her at the airport instead. He doesn’t tell her that anything is wrong. He and Victor are two blocks from the precinct where the chopper is meeting them. Jack decides to cut through an alley. NEVER a good idea.

Chloe finally pulls Victor’s file, but Hastings is annoyed it took her so long. Chloe complains that she’s had to learn all the new interfaces, but Hastings isn’t really tryna hear it. She needs to catch up, or be gone.

Ortiz leaves to get Jack and worries that Starbuck Dana might be getting cold feet.

Jack drags Victor’s bloody ass through the alley, but Victor can barely walk. Jack rips into a nasty ass mattress to re-compress Victor’s wound. A suspicious parking attendant calls 911 on a very obvious Spring product placement. Jesus. The camera stayed on the camera for like, 30 seconds even though it took 3 to dial 9-1-1.

Hassan and his wife head down to the conference and things are extremely icy between them. Hassan’s aide meets Reed at the security checkpoint and warns her to stay away from Hassan.

Rob isn’t happy to hear that Taylor isn’t going to tell Hassan about the threat to his life.

In the alley, Jack and Victor are stopped by the cops but before they can verify his story, the bad guys show up. After a brief shootout, Jack and Victor head for roof and he calls CTU. They arrange an alternate rooftop pickup. Jack tells Victor he needs to tell him everything he knows about the hitter in case he doesn’t make it. Victor won’t hear of it.

Jack takes out one of the bad guys with a fire axe. The other goes toppling down the staircase hitting every landing on the way down.

They make it to the rooftop and one agent starts to take Victor to the copper while Ortiz tells Jack he needs to come in for a debriefing. Jack is like, “Negative. I got shit to do.” From another rooftop, someone launches a rocket and blows up the chopper.

At CTU, everyone is all freaked out that they’re dead. Jack gets to Victor and tells him he needs to tell what he knows before he dies. Victor manages to croak out that there’s a person on the inside, close to Hassan, in on the plan. Of course there is. This is 24. There’s ALWAYS someone on the inside. Then Victor dies like a punk ass bitch – but not as punk ass bitchy as the time he was forced to blow a gang banger on The Shield.

Reed tells a mystery person that Hassan’s brother took away her clearance, but she used her feminine wiles to get Hassan to reinstate it. She assures the person on the phone that “it” will get done. It = Hassan.

Tick… tock… tick… tock…

The following takes place between 5pm and 6pm…

Ortiz is all pissy with Hastings because he almost got a rocket up the ass. I find it hard to take him seriously as I keep picturing him with a blond wig and ascot.

Hastings orders Jack back to CTU for a debriefing. Jack, surprisingly, listens, but he ain’t happy.

Starbuck Dana tells Hastings she may have a lead on the insider and Hastings tells her to look into it with Chloe’s help. Hastings tells Chief of Staff Rob Wiess that they may want to postpone the treaty signing until the threat is handled, but he won’t hear of it.

Reed and Hassan talk and make arrangements to meet in his private office. Bow-chicka-bow-bow.

CTU figures out that Reed was the one who illegally accessed the U.N’s system and alert the Secret Service that she’s a threat. They grip her ass up when she’s just ten yards from Hassan.

Chloe tells everyone that it seems a little easy that Reed was found. Starbuck Dana pretty much tells Chloe to S.T.F.U. Hastings puts Chloe in charge of Jack’s debriefing.

Jack calls Kim from CTU and tells her he’ll meet her at the airport, but once she finds out where he is, she insists on picking him up on the way to the airport. In other words, she wants to make sure his ass gets on that plane.

Ortiz is all pissed off cause he feels like if they had more backup, the attack wouldn’t have happened. Hastings warns him not to put his concerns on record.

Chloe expresses her concerns that Reed is a red herring, but Jack doesn’t want to get involved.

Hassan’s daughter is relieved that he’s okay. His wife is suspicious that Reed had such access to him. His brother walks in and I just realize he has hair like that prince from Shrek. It annoys me.

He pulls Hassan aside and tells him that Reed will be questioned and he needs to know everything she will say about their relationship. Hassan confesses to the affair, but his bro warns him that if questioned by the Americans, he need to deny it. Hassan neither agrees or disagrees.

Hassan’s brother calls the shooter and tells him that he needs to get Hassan to refute the reporter’s story so that CTU will think she’s the contact on the inside and divert attention from the true rat – Hassan’s brother!

Arlo flirts with Starbuck Dana and she shoots him down. Then she gets a call from someone that calls her Jenny Scott. He threatens her and she threatens to call the cops. She’s all, “My name isn’t Jenny! It’s Starbuck Dana!”

Reed demands to know why she’s been detained. Hastings tells her they found evidence that she’s apart of a plot to kill Hassan. He ain’t hearing it.

Jack presents Hastings with photos of the shooter entering Reed’s apartment around the time Reed supposedly hacked into the U.N.’s computers. Hastings STILL ain’t hearing it.

Jack tells Chloe she’s on her own. The last time he got tangled up in some national security shit, he got cooties! Jack meets Kim and her family in the parking garage. Kim tells him that she spoke to Chloe and Chloe broke all kinds of national security rules to tell her what’s going on. Chloe tryna get fired. Kim convinces Jack to stay. It’s the least she can do after being extremely annoying and fucking up the works in prior seasons.

Jack heads into CTU and he’s all business.

As Reed is being interrogated, the negotiations begin. Taylor tells Hassan that any info revealed by Reed will be shared with him.

Chloe can’t find out where the shooter went after leaving Reed’s apartment via the traffic cams, but hacks into Arlo’s system to get footage. They get the cab number and call to find out where it took him.

Starbuck Dana calls some redneck chick and asks her if she ratted her out to the bastard that’s been calling her. Redneck Ruth swears it wasn’t her. Starbuck Dana continues to have a completely secretive conversation in the hallway at work. Arlo snitches that someone hacked into his station to scan the drone archives. Starbuck Dana tells him to track it down and find out who did it.

The shooter shows up at a couple’s house and it turns out he is a cop that’s a part of the U.N. security detail.

Starbuck Dana tells Hastings what Jack and Chloe are up to. Hastings busts Jack trying to steal weapons from the armory. Jack tells Hastings that the president will be very interested to know that Hastings is a fuck up that got his informant and one of his own men killed. Hastings lets Jack do what he does best if only he’ll keep his mouth shut. Hastings still thinks the only lead is Reed.

The shooter, Mikey, wants to trade shifts with Jim but Jim says he can’t. Jim and Maggie have a meeting at their son’s school. Mikey suddenly gets a whole new accent and pulls a gun. He orders Jim to cover his wife’s mouth with tape and then shoots her in the leg to show he means business. He orders Jim to call the boss an tell him that Mikey will be taking his shift. Jim gets on the good foot and does as he’s told.

The following takes place between 6pm and 7pm…

Hastings tells chief of staff Weiss that they’re still trying to get info from Reed. Weiss isn’t happy that they are moving so slowly and wants the file found on Reed’s computer decrypted quickly.

Ortiz tells Starbuck Dana what Chloe and Jack suspect, Starbuck Dana thinks that Reed is still their best bet.

Mikey tells Jim he doesn’t want to hurt them, he is just doing his job. Mikey talks to the boss and tells him that Mikey will be taking his shift. Jim then asks Mikey to leave them alone, but I don’t think that’s gonna happen.

Jack is at the block where the cab dropped Mikey off and a young guy playing basketball tells Jack which house Mikey went into. Jack sees Jim shot in the forehead from the window and busts in the back door. Of course the cops show up and think that Jack killed the people inside. Jack tried to explain to one officer what was going on, but his trigger-happy partner tazers Jack in the back.

That’s a bitch-ass move.

The creepy blackmailing stalker dude from Starbuck’s Dana’s past shows up at CTU. She goes to meet him. He makes her beg to keep her secret then tells her he needs a place to stay. She gives him the keys to her place when I really think she should have just shot his ass.

Reed tells Hastings about her affair with Hassan but he doesn’t believe it. He calls for confirmation, but he has to wait for a callback from Weiss. Chloe tries to get Hastings to send back up for Jack, but he’s still being an asshole. Meanwhile, Jack is getting his ass kicked in the basement of the dead cop’s house. The one cop with sense doesn’t want any parts of it and heads upstairs.

When the president tells Hassan that Hastings wants to speak with him, Hassan’s bro warns him to deny the relationship. Hassan gets on the phone with Hastings and confirms the affair. Hassan’s brother almost flips his wig. Literally. Hastings refuses to send back up for Jack AND he still thinks Reed is on the plot to assassinate Hassan. At this point, I want to kick Hastings in his ass.

Hassan’s bro calls Mikey and tells him what Hassan did. Mikey says the plan is still on that Hassan will be dead within the hour.

Jack gets the drop on the cop that’s been beating his ass, but the partner shows up and pulls his gun on both of them. He calls in the double murder, and Jack convinces him to look up the duty assignment for the dead cop.

Arlo continues to hit on Starbuck Dana, but before she can cuss him out, there’s a break in the file they’ve been decrypting. It’s schematic for the U.N. with a bomb present. Hastings calls it in. Chloe tells Hastings it could be a trap, but he’s still being ignorant.

An evacuation is ordered which, of course, is exactly what Mikey wanted. He arms the bomb from his cell phone outside.

Hassan’s bro calls Mikey and tells him which car his brother is in. At this point, Donny points out that Hassan’s bro looks like a damn douchebag.

The good cop confirms Jack’s story and drives him to the U.N. Jack calls Chloe and tells her what’s going on. I’m real shitty Jack doesn’t get a chance to beat dat ass of the cop that was beating on him, but I suppose Jack got bigger fish to fry.

Jack is patched through to Cole Ortiz who uses his car to push Hassan’s car out of danger and off course. Aw, sookie sookie now. They done made Freddie Prinze Jr. a P.I.M.P.

The following takes place between 7pm and 8pm…

Hastings gets his ass chewed out by Weiss when they realize they fell for a trap to get Hassan out of the building. Both Ortiz and Hassan are fine. As Ortiz starts to move Hassan to another vehicle, Mikey considers taking a shot at him but there are too many cops around. Hassan gets away safely.

As Cole calls in his situation to Starbuck Dana, he spots Mikey and takes chase.

Hassan’s bro calls Mikey who tells him what happens. He tells Hassan’s bro to get the hell outta dodge because they will soon know he’s in on it. Then this fool gets out of the car, stabs a cop in the neck with a pen, and hauls ass!

Mikey gets the drop on Ortiz and tells him he’s gonna walk him outta there. He orders Ortiz to call in that their position is clear so they can get away. Ortiz, instead, gives up their position and prepares to die. Jack shows up and kills Mikey instead.

Freddie Prinze Jr. then shits his pants.

Hassan arrives at CTU and Hastings tells him about his brother’s involvement. Chloe tells Hastings that Mikey was killed by Jack and that Jack uplinked some video of the tattoos on the killers. They are all members of a Russian gang. They’re flying in an agent that got close to the gang during an investigation: Renee Walker.

Hassan’s bro is on the run. He calls the Russian man in charge and hails a cab to go meet him.

President Taylor expresses her gratitude that Hassan is still alive. Rob Weiss is all business. He wants to know if the peace negotiations are still in place. Hassan is not about to let his brother get away with ruining what they started. Taylor says she’ll arrange for CTU to have Hassan returned to the U.N. as soon as possible.

Ortiz and Jack arrive at CTU and Chloe tells Jack that Renee is on her way due to her experience working undercover for the Russian mob. According to Chloe, Renee went all white girl crazy at some point.

Hassan thanks Ortiz for saving his life, but Ortiz tells him that it wasn’t just him – Jack and Chloe deserve props. Alarms sound in CTU. Seems Mikey’s dead body is giving off all kinds of nuclear cootie vibes. Hassan wants to speak to Hastings a.s.a.p.

Renee arrives at CTU and Chloe greets her at the helipad. Chloe manages to not stick her foot in her mouth and ask too many awkward questions or mention Jack.

Hassan tells Hastings that some nuclear program they were working on could be behind the uranium cooties coming off of Mikey. He warns that they need to stop the Russians before they get their hands on it.

Renee deciphers Mikey’s tattoos. She explains that the gang is badass. Hastings tells Renee that she needs to go back undercover with the Russian mob. Renee says she’ll do it, but not cause she wants her FBI badge back, just cause she’s hardcore like that. Word.

Jack says goodbye to Chloe. She fills him in on Renee going back undercover. Jack goes to talk to Renee. She is very happy to see him. But she doesn’t want to hear his warnings against going back undercover. She likes the new, darker, side of herself and Jack should really mind his fucking business. Well, she doesn’t say that exactly, but you get the point between all the raw sexual tension.

Hassan meets with Reed and though he admits he really cares for her, he can’t jeopardize all the good he can do for his country by being with her. A secret service guy is being all nosy so their visit is cut short.

Renee devises a plan to get back into the Russian’s good graces. Jack walks in and needs to speak to Hastings alone. Renee refuses to leave. Jack tells Hastings that Renee isn’t ready for this. Renee tells Jack to mind his own beeswax. Jack says he’ll go in with her.

Hassan’s brother arrives at the Russians’ evil headquarters. He wants proof that they have the uranium rods. The Russian boss shows him his younger son who is locked in a room at the back of the restaurant. He’s all cootied up from the exposure. This seems to be proof enough for Hassan’s bro.

Redneck boy calls Starbuck Dana at work. He wants to know about Ortiz. He wants her to come home and she won’t. He goes all white boy redneck crazy on her.

Renee arrives at her Russian contact’s store. She claims she got out of jail early and wants to get in touch with Vladimir (are there no other Russian names?) – she has a buyer for him. He says he can’t help her. If he calls for Vladimir, they’ll kill him. He has a monitor bracelet on his wrist from being on parole. Renee gets all flirty with him. She claims she can get his bracelet off.

She clamps his hand in a vice and then CUTS HIS FUCKING HAND OFF!!!

Jack comes rushing in. He says this is over. Renee says she’s just getting started.

Tick…tock…tick…tock….

Top Ten Most Anticipated TV in 2010

10. Damages

OK, sure season 2 was a mess of convoluted plot involving a bribed judge, a double-crossing FBI investigation, and a cokehead stabbing Patty(Glenn Close) in an elevator, but I have high hopes that season 3 of Damages will return to the glory that was the amazing, thought-provoking, twists and turns of season 1.

Damages returns to FX on January 25th.

9. Jeff and the other chick on The Amazing Race

Last season’s winner of Big Brother, whatsherface, will be joining the cast of globe trotting contestants on the next season of The Amazing Race. But the big news is that her racing partner is none other than the ubersexy, Jeff, who you may remember was her (OK, fine. Her name is Jordan) showmance in the BB house.

I cannot wait to see him jetsetting for the million bucks. Preferably shirtless. Here’s to hoping the producers have come up with lots of hot locales to ensure maximum topless Jeff moments. I’m just saying.

8. Southland returns on TNT

I don’t know who’s in charge over at NBC, but it must be run by morons. They consistently cancel awesome shows like Journeyman, Life and Scrubs. Then they let a gem like Medium get swept up by the good people at CBS to make room for five nights of the chronically unfunny Jay Leno at 10pm.

Thankfully, cooler heads prevail over at TNT and they’ve given new life to the gritty police drama Southland. The season finale was a jaw-dropper so thank the TV gods that TNT will pick up the show so we can see how it all plays out.

7. Stargate: SGU

Thanks to my friend Cathy sending me all ten seasons of Stargate: SG1, I have another sci-fi franchise to add to my must-see list. I’m currently starting season 2 of Stargate: Atlantis, but couldn’t wait to get through all five seasons of that before diving into Stargate Universe which premiered on SyFy last fall.

SGU follows a band of military personnel, scientists, and civilians trapped on a spaceship built by The Ancients who developed the stargates as they try to figure out a way back to Earth.

Some of my fellow Stargate fans complain that SGU is more Battlestar Galactica than Stargatey, but that’s okay with me. I love the dark sets, mental manipulations, and catastrophes of the week plots.

6. The final episodes of Nip/Tuck

Tonight FX kicks off the final nine episodes of Nip/Tuck. Even though I can admit that the show has been bordering on very cheesy and plain-ass ridiculous for at least two seasons now, I am sorry to see it go. I will watch tonight, and for the next eight weeks, and begin my goodbyes to the sexy, super rich, but morally bankrupt doctors of McNamara/Troy.

5. V

We were teased with four episodes of the remake of the 80′s cult hit V. There were holes like, how the hell did the Vs manage to just drop off sleeper agents without anyone noticing? I mean, it’s not like dropping someone off at a bus stop. But overall, I’m hooked.

It just went back into production in January, so I’m not sure when the new epis will air. I’ll be there whenever that might be.

4. 24 in NYC

Two of my favorite things will be mixing it up on FOX: Jack Bauer and New York City.

Two words: Hells.Yeah!

24 returns on January 17th.

3. Caprica

Caprica, the Battlestar Galactica prequel, tells how the Cylons (at least the Cylons of the 12 colonies of the series) came to be. The pilot was available on DVD last spring and I’ve been waiting like a crackhead ever since.

Caprica premieres on SyFy on January 22nd. Read my Caprica review here.

2. GLEE!

My new favorite show returns… in APRIL! I know! What the hell? We have such a long wait, but no doubt it will be worth it.

What will Quinn do now that everyone knows Puck is the father of her baby? What will happen with the new Shuster/Pillsbury romance? Will Rachel and Finn hook up now that he’s free? Will they please give Kurt more airtime and can we get a full hour dedicated to the awesomeness that is Sue Sylvester?

1. LOST

Come on, now. You knew this would be number one. The final season of Lost begins February 2nd .

SPOILER ALERT:

We’ve met Jacob and the creepy guy that has been trying to kill him since, like, forever. Creepy guy had apparently taken over Locke, who has really been dead all this time, and used him and Ben to finally get to Jacob. There was lots of time traveling and time shifting which led to a big-ass gun fight and Juliet falling down a shaft. Oh, and we got to see the smoke monster kick more ass.

I’m looking forward to all of my questions of the past five years being answered. That’s right. All 1384 of them!

What are you looking forward to? What shows do you miss the most?

TV Roundup

As the spring 2009 TV season came to an end I was swamped with finals for five classes and battling a budding video game (Animal Crossing: City Folk for the Nintendo Wii) addiction. I wasn’t able to keep up with my TV viewing (gasp!) much less recap anything for the site.

Just when I was thinking that it wasn’t a big deal because no one was reading anyway, I got this e-mail from someone explaining how they were searching the internet for 24 updates because they’d missed the show due to traveling.

Brilliant…you write so well – kind of flowing, current, and annotated with your thoughts – and now I actually know what went on. You might just be a modern day (American) Samuel Pepys, but with better grammar. Good luck with that!

Of course I had to ask Kevin who Samuel Pepys was and he told me he was a British serial killer because Kevin is a fucker. Anyway, that letter and a few others reminded me that I’m awesome some people are actually reading some of the TV stuff.

Without further ado, here are my thoughts on some of this past season’s finale. We start, of course, with 24.

24

When we last saw our cooties-infected hero he was warned that if he didn’t help Soulpatch Tony escape FBI custody, Kim Bauer would be toast.  That’s right. After a kickass season, the final two hours were dedicated to yet another, “Oh, no! Kim Bauer’s in trouble storyline.” Oh, and Tony’s betrayal? Revenge for Michelle’s murder. Olivia, the president’s daughter, did get her comeuppance and Agent Walker ended the day displaying some very Bauer-like characteristics. Oh, and Kim didn’t die (we knew she wouldn’t) and after Jack was placed in a medically-induced coma, she agreed to particpate in the experimental treatment that would save Jack’s life… like we knew she would.

Grey’s Anatomy

The second best season finale this year. I’ve always thought that George an Izzy were the heart of Grey’s (I really could care less about whiny, needy, damaged Meredith an the neutured McDreamy) and this season left off with both of their lives in the balance. It would serve the show right to lose both characters. Maybe then they’d concentrate on some of their other good characters like Callie and McSteamy. And though I adore Calliope Iphiginia Torres, I wish they would have found something else for her to do instead of making her a lesbian out of the blue. Nothing against lebsians (I love lesbians!), but it was such a random plot device and it’s yet to pay off. All in all, the finale had me bawling!!

From the moment Meredith’s voiceover began (Did you say it?), I was a sobbing mess. If you can watch the next 4.5 minutes without crying, you don’t have a soul.

(That finale is still on my TiVo… don’t judge me.)

Lost – You can read my Lost finale recap here. Best finale of the season.

Rescue Me - I totally fell out of watching Rescue Me, which is surprising because I enjoy it. I may have to do a DVD catch up. Also, though the show is great, it wasn’t as fun to write about it like Lost, 24, Nip/Tuck, etc.

Survivor: Tocantins – One of the more enjoyable seasons. You had people you loved and rooted for (Taj, J.T., Stephen) and one you loved to hate (Coach McDouche.) Thank God that J.T. won. A nice guy, and hot to boot.

Desperate Housewives – This show wasted a perfectly good opportunity when they flashed forward five years. When the season began, jinxed couple Mike and Susan were split up for some mysterious reason. We later find out that they were involved in a car accident that killed a mother and young daughter. The stressful aftermath ruined their marriage. Then, Edie moves back to town with her new husband who is holding a grudge against Mike. Why? Because it was his wife and daughter that died in the crash, but only the audience knows this.

They dragged this farce out for the entire season and the payoff was blah. Although I liked the fact that Gabrielle had a ton of baby weight after popping out two kids in five years, the speed in which she dropped it all was unrealistic and a slap in the face to real moms. Also, Lynette should just fry up Tom’s ball and have them for lunch already. She’s annoying.

How did it all end? Mike marries a veiled woman and we have to wait till September to find out if it’s his ex, Susan, or his new love, Catherine. OH, and they killed Edie.

I still have to catch up on Harper’s Island, Criminal Minds, Smallville, and Supernatural.

So, what will I be watching/reviewing this summer? True Blood, Weeds, So You Think You Can Dance, and Big Brother. You can also check the new BIOB posting schedule here.

What else should I be watching this summer?

24 Day 7: 4am – 6am

Previously on 24 4am – 5am: Olivia Taylor wants to have Jonas Hodges killed so she sets it in motion. Then she backs out at the last minute, but he’s killed anyway. Ruh roh. Jack and Agent Walker close in on the patsy that Tony is going to set up for the attack scheduled for later that morning. When they arrive at the apartment, the patsy’s brother stabs the man holding him hostage and Jack rushes to save his life as he’s the only one who can tell them where Tony was headed w/ the patsy. The patsy was convinced to cooperate when Tony threatened his younger brother’s life.

And now…

The following takes place between 5am  and 6am…

Tony’s evil sidekick chick checks in with a member of the “group.” She says that the bioweapon should be deployed within the hour and about 8-10K people will be infected in a D.C. train station.

Jibraan a.k.a the patsy they’re setting up to take the fall knows that they’re going to hurt people and blame it on him, but he doesn’t know what exactly. Tony orders him to take the train to a certain stop. They’ll be monitoring him.

At the FBI offices, Chloe punks Janis by pointing out she knows how to do all kinds of shit that Janis doesn’t including act.

The guy left watching Jibraan’s little brother is willing to talk once Jack tells him they’ll let his ass bleed to death if he doesn’t. He doesn’t know where Tony is or what the target is, but he can call Tony. They listen in as he comes up with some b.s. reason to talk to Tony, but Chloe can’t get a  fix on Tony’s location.

Jibraan tries to signal for help by talking to a token clerk in the train station. When she refers him to a nearby cop, he finds that the cop is in on it. He has no choice but to get his ass on the train.

Olivia meets with the guy that helped her set up the hit on Jonas Hodges. He said that the hit man called him when the money didn’t show and he told him it was okay to go ahead with the hit. He knew Olivia was good for the money. She waited too late to grow a soul he tells her. He also tells her she needs to pay that man his money.

Kim calls her husband and tells him her flight has been delayed. Her husband wonders if that’s a sign she should stay to be with Jack. She notices someone watching her as she’s about to go through airport security.

On the train, Jibraan is being watched by the evil woman in a disguise. She sets a timer on the bioweapon canister, kicks it under a seat, and then gets off the train. Jibraan watches her walk away. She calls in to Tony that the weapon will go off when the train is stopped a certain station.

Chloe has Tony’s location and calls in to Jack. Jack rams Tony’s van and then puts him a sleeper hold when he stumbles out.

I want to learn how to put mofos in a sleeper hold!!!

Jack beats Tony’s ass in an effort to get Tony talking. It doesn’t work. With Janis’ help they figure out a way to patch into Jibraan’s earpiece. Jack tells him that his bro is safe. He talks Jibraan through finding the weapon under the seat after the train is emptied. When he finds it, it has a little over one minute before it will go off. He tells Jibraan to run it outside. He tries to, but is stopped by a cop because some guy on the train snitched that Jibraan looked suspicious. Damn, a Muslim can’t even ride the damn train sweaty without raising alarms.

Jibraan screams that he has a bomb. WHAT? This plan, amazingly, works. He runs outside just as Jack arrives to take the bomb from him. He tosses it in a sealed compartment of a truck just as it explodes.

Jack is so P.I.M.P.

Kim is still suspicious of the guy watching her. Turns out, he’s watching her for Jack.

Evil chick calls in to her boss who says that Tony needs to be eliminated now that he’s in custody. She says it’s not necessary because Tony won’t be in custody for long. They have another play.

Kim asks the wife of a couple she’s been chatting with to watch her bag while she runs to the restroom and the husband goes for coffee. The husband kills the man watching Kim in the restroom.

Aaron Pierce threatens to stop working for Olivia because she is acting all sketchy and left the White House with secret service detail. She comes up with some b.s. story and he pretends to buy it. He later calls Kanan and asks if the C.O.S’s office still has the voice-activated recording software installed in it. He says it does, but that Aaron will need his thumb print to access it. When he suspects it may have something to do with putting Olivia’s ass in trouble, Kanan says he can be at the White House within the half hour.

In the office, Olivia finally sends the payment to the hit man.

Janis wants an apology from Chloe for assuming she didn’t know her job. Chloe is all, “Yeah, you got the wrong one. I don’t do that.”

Jibraan is reunited with his brother. Awwww.

The murdering hubby at the airport returns with the coffee and signals to his wife that he killed the guy watching Kim. While Kim reads a magazine oblivious, he moves his laptop so that it’s taking a video of Kim. The evil bitch then calls Jack and links the live feed to his phone. These people have some kickass phones.

She tells Jack that if he doesn’t help Tony escape, they’ll murder Kim. She makes him put on his earpiece and leave the line open so she can listen in. Jack gets in the van with Tony, Agent Walker and some other agents. The evil lady tells him that she’ll let him know when to make a move and if any of the agents get in the way, he’ll have to kill them or Kim dies.

Tick… tock… tick… tock…

Jack gonna beat dat ass!

The real threat is over and I can’t believe we’re gonna end this great season with a Kim-Bauer’s-in-trouble-again storyline. Ugh.

24 – Day 7: 2am-4am

Previously on 24: Jack learns there’s a possible treatment for his cooties, but it involves Kim. He doesn’t want her involved, but Agent Walker calls her anyway. Jack sends Kim away. Tony blows up the missiles Starkwood were going to use and Jonas Hodges is arrested. A Starkwood op gets away with a canister of the bioweapon. When Moss and Tony catch up to him, Tony kills Moss.

And now….

The following takes place between 2am and 3am…

Hodges’  attorney is preparing to leave for the White House when she’s attacked at her front door. While a man injects her with a needle, a woman that resembles her takes her I.D. Using a doohickey, they get thumb print and put it on the impostor’s thumb.

At the FBI offices Walker gives Janis the identify of the Starkwood op that got away. Galvez. Moss isn’t answering his phone.

Tony shoots himself in the side and then takes a call from Galvez. He tells Galvez to stay holed up where he is.

Kim says goodbye to Agent Walker. She’s going to honor her father’s wishes and leave. Walker gets a call from the scene and finds out that Moss is dead. She tells Janis someone needs to notify Moss’ ex-wife and it probably shouldn’t be her… see, ’cause they were bonin’.

Jack is being debriefed on earlier events. The guy doing the questioning wants to know if he verified Tony’s sources. Jack didn’t. Jack starts repeating himself cause his cooties are flaring up. Jack notices a bunch of activity in the hall and he finds out that Moss is dead. Walker is all business as she leaves to avenge her man’s death. Jack calls shotgun on the helicopter leaving for the scene.

Hodges’ fake attorney makes it into the White House.

Olivia informs the president of Moss’ death and Galvez’s escape. The president realizes that she may have to make a deal with Hodges if he’s behind the latest events.

Hodges’ fake attorney arrives at his cell. She tells him that he jeopardized the plan. He would have been protected if he had just slowed his roll! “The others” are concerned that they will be exposed. She threatens his family and offers him a red pill for him to take that will induce a heart attack. Starkwood can’t be brought down without his testimony and “the others” will be protected and not have to kill his family. He accepts the pill. Olivia comes to transfer Hodges for FBI questioning.

Fake lawyer calls in. She tells the man on the phone that Tony has been the only bright spot in a otherwise frakked up day. Damn you, Tony!! Galvez calls Tony and tells him that he’s holed up in an abandoned apartment building. He has 20 minutes to do whatever it is he has to do.

Jack has the nerve to try and counsel Walker on how to feel about Moss’ death. The man who doesn’t feel shit. She pretty much tells him to shut the hell up. They arrive at the scene. Walker wants to see Moss’ body. While Tony offers up his condolences to Walker, Jack is playing snoopy mcsnooperstein. They listen to Tony’s version of what happened, but something with the shell casings doesn’t add up. There must have been a second shooter.

Kim calls her husband… yes, her husband, and tells him what is happening with Jack. She admits that she didn’t tell Jack about his granddaughter, Teri (obviously named after Jack’s dead wife.) In the crib, is a little blonde baby that looks like a mini-Jack Bauer.

Out in the field, Jack has to give himself a shot of whatever the CDC doc gave him. Tony apologizes for what Jack is going through.

Galvez calls in as an FBI agent he has killed and leads the FBI to the abandoned building. Jack stays behind as does Tony.

Hodges is loaded into a transport van when he notices one of the soldiers shackling him fought alongside some of his Starkwood peeps. The soldier tells him that the Starkwood men were fine soldiers. That’s all Hodges needed to hear. En route, he pops the red pill. When his heart attack begins, the soldiers call it in and rush him to the hospital.

Galvez continues to communicate with the FBI like he’s one of them and instructs them to enter the building. He watches from another location as the building is wired to blow. The agent debriefing Jack earlier calls him and asks if he possibly got the name of Tony’s source wrong. Jack doesn’t think so, but disconnects after seeing a screen with the radio codes of the agents involved in the current operation.

Walker and the other agents sweep through the abandoned building. Jack realizes that the radio the agent used to call it in isn’t even in the building. He calls in to Walker that it’s a trap and to get out. Galvez sets off the explosives. Jack tells the agents to maintain the perimeter so Galvez doesn’t get away.

In the confusion, and dressed as FBI, Galvez rushes in the building with the other agents. Jack and Tony arrive and Tony rushes in. He meets up with Galvez and takes the canister. Galvez covers himself with a dead agent’s blood. All Jack cares about is Walker. She’s fine. She tells Jack it’s like Galvez knew their pattern and that the abandoned building would be checked last.

Tony helps Galvez, who is pretending to be hurt, out of the building. Jack calls the agent back who had called earlier and finds out that the source Tony said was dead, is actually alive. Jack sees Tony helping Galvez to an ambulance. He calls out for him. The ambulance leaves with Galvez and the canister. Jack tells Tony they need to talk and pulls a gun on him. He tells him that the guy Tony said died during his interrogation is alive. Tony comes up with some excuse and as Jack ain’t buying it, he starts to have a cooties flare-up. Nooo! Not now!

As Jack has a seizure on the ground, Tony witholds his medicine Tracy Quarermaine-style.

In the ambulance, Galvez kills the medic tending to him and pulls a gun on the driver.

Tick… tock… tick… tock…

3am – 4am

The following takes place between 3am and 4am…

As the CDC doc tends to Jack he tells Walker that Tony is the second shooter.  They put out an APB, but Tony kills two agents and escapes. Jack blames himself for vouching for Tony.

Tony meets up with Galvez at a motel room. Galvez confirms a money transfer via phone before giving Tony a bag with the canister. When Tony opens the bag, it’s the yellow pages. Oh, snap! He gave him a phone book, son!

Galvez pulls a gun on Tony and wants to know who the buyer is. Tony tosses the bag and knocks the gun back. They struggle and fight. Tony starts to smother Galvez with the shower curtain and wants to know where the canister is.

The president learns that Hodges will survive his suicide attempt. She also finds out that his real attorney is dead, and the imposter is the one that slipped Hodges the pill. Walker and Bauer call the president. They tell her that Galvez got away. Jack admits that Tony Almeida screwed them. She tells them about Hodges’ threat before being taken into custody and his suicide attempt. Jack says they need to question Hodges, but the president won’t sanction torture. Jack says they wont need to. He will talk if they offer to let everyone think he’s dead.

The fake lawyer shows up at Tony’s motel room. Galvez is dead. She wants to make the delivery and Tony doesn’t. He wants to use the one canister to finish the job and launch another attack. Kick your enemy when he’s down and all that. She says she’ll run it by the group.

At the white house, the president tells Olivia that they’re going to put Hodges in the witness protection program. Olivia is not happy. She reminds the president that Hodges killed her son. She continues to hit below the belt, but the president stands firm. She wants Olivia to contact the attorney general and have the protection agreement drafted.

Fake lawyer calls in to “the group” and explains that they’ll be launching another attack during rush hour traffic. They’ll blame the attack on a terrorist leaving his body at the scene. The guy isn’t even a terrorist – but they’ll make him look like one. Everyone on the call is voice protected. As the group ponders striking now vs. waiting six months, fake lawyer IMs a group member to weigh in on her side since Almeida came through for them. He does and then everyone votes. They agree to strike now. Tony kisses fake lawyer. Ewwww.

Jack arrives to question Hodges. Hodges is ranting that by saving him, they’ve killed his family. Jack tells him that they will let the group think he’s dead if he tells who they are. If he refuses they will leak to the press that he’s alive and then his family will be harmed. Hodges says the president doesn’t have the balls to do that and Jack is all, “Have you seen my balls? Those are the ones you need to be worried about.”

Hodges tells Jack that there are other groups with like-minded ideas – attack the country and prove that the government can’t protect them. He says he watched Jack’s senate hearing and was disgusted because Jack should be treated like a hero. So, he watched the hearings, but didn’t know who Jack was when he walked in the room. Hodges claimed he doesn’t know any names. Jack pretends to call a press contact and Hodges gives up that his only contact with the group is the woman that pretended to be his lawyer. The biometric monitors says that he’s being honest.

Jack tells the president that it is likely that they will launch another attack today. The president agrees to unseal the CTU servers so that Jack can do his thing. Jack calls Chloe and confirms that Bill is dead. *sniff* He tells her that he needs her help. She looks at her sleeping son and tells Jack to send the car for her. She tells Morris to get their son, Prescott, out of the city so she can go and save the world.

During the briefing, Jack confirms to the FBI agents that they only have two suspects (Tony and fake lawyer) and that the only lead they have is that the group will try to pass off the attack on an innocent. They need to track down the trail using CTU servers. Janis has some kind of hissy fit and Walker shuts her up.

Chloe arrives and Jack tells her that Tony betrayed them. She doesn’t want to believe it, but Jack tells her she needs to be with him and is prepared to take Tony down. Chloe is down for whatever.

Tony and fake lawyer stake-out their  patsy – an illegal whose student visa expired, is Muslim, and has reason to be angry with the U.S. He has one younger brother.

Inside, the patsy is preparing breakfast for his brother. He tells him to be careful – today isn’t a good day to be a Muslim in the U.S. His bro tells him to relax. Most people think he’s Puerto Rican. Muslim, Puerto Rican, whatever – he’s cute!

Another car arrives and the occupants, plus Tony and fake lawyer start towards patsy’s house.

Olivia is going over Hodges’ witness protection order and tells Aaron what it is when he comes to get the document for the A.G. Olivia whines and whines. Aaron offers condolences. When he asks if there’s anything else he can do for her, she says other than killing Hodges… no. And for like five whole seconds it looks like he considered it! Maybe I’m confusing his consideration face with his, “Bitch, is you crazy” face. She apologizes and Aaron leaves. Olivia makes a phone call to some guy named Martin. They agree to meet at the white house.

The white house is like Grand freaking Central Station.

Janis is all pouty. She doesn’t like the CTU servers. She doesn’t like that they can spy on people. She doesn’t like Chloe. She doesn’t like anything. Jack pretty much tells her to shut the frak up and leave if she can’t get with the program. She looks like she wants to cry. It’s the best part of the season so far. I have to rewind it and watch it three times.

The lights go out in the patsy’s apartment. Tony, fake lawyer, and the other goons grab his brother and put a gun to patsy’s head.

Poor patsy.

Tick… tock… tick… tock.

24 – Day 7: 1am-2am

Previously on 24: At the FBI, Jack contacts a Starkwood member, Knowles, and convinces him to help Tony locate the bio-weapons. Jack has a cooties attack. He refuses to let his daughter Kim be brought in to help heal him. Hodges kills Knowles. Hodges tells the President that he will bomb three cities if she doesn’t call off her attack on Starkwood, and he demands a sit down with her.

And now…

The following takes place between 1am and 2am:

Poor Tony is still on Starkwood’s compound. He talks to Jack who tells him that the president’s strike has been called off. They have an exit plan for him. Tony realizes that Starkwood has surface-to-surface missiles and that’s probably why the president called off the strike.

At the White House, the joint chiefs question the president’s decision to call off the air strike on Starkwood. Jack calls the president and totally calls her on her shit.

The president admits that Hodges has missiles aimed at U.S. cities. Jack tells her that she cannot negotiate with Hodges. He wants to give Tony time to place C4 charges and blow up the missiles. The president does one of those, “I’m not telling you to go in, but like, if you went in without my knowing, there’s not much I can do to you since you’re dying…” and then hangs up. “What’s that supposed to mean?,” Walker wants to know. “That means do what I do, beyotch.”

Walker calls Moss and he’s down for whatever. Finally. He’s spent all day being a pain in the ass. Jack calls Tony and tells him that he can go in, but he can’t get caught. Tony rushes two of the guys pumping the rocket fuel into the underground bunker after one leaves for another perimeter check. He leaves one guy knocked out by the tanker while he forces another one to let him into the bunker. So much for being undetected!

Hodges meets with the president in the Oval Office. He denies working with Juma. He wants in on shaping military policy. The balls on this guy! The president accuses him of blackmail. He’s unapologetic.

Tony plants the C4 charges and makes his way up top, but he’s jumped by some Starkwood goon. He drops the detonator into a grate. One guy sounds an alarm and the launch is prepped. Tony manages to blow the charges just as the missiles were going to launch. Moss and his men move in.

Goooo TONY!

The president is looking over Hodges’ demands. He wants all kinds of perks. The president receives word that Starkwood has been taken out, she orders Hodges  arrested. He swears that this doesn’t end with him. That this is just the beginning. Ruh-roh.

The president calls Jack and tells him that they arrested Hodges. She expresses gratitude for all he has done. He starts to ask for clemency for Tony, but has a cooties attack. Then he forgets what he was going to say. The president says she will consider all that Tony has done. The president wants the CDC to give her real-time updates on Jack’s condition.

Moss tells Walker that they are not getting resistance at Starkwood. Most of the men there didn’t know what was going on. Walker has to go because Kim Bauer has shown up. Tony overhears Moss talking about Kim and wonders if Jack will be okay. Moss says he doesn’t think Tony should be arrested since he helped, but there’s nothing he can do. He orders the cuffs taken off of Tony, but still has to take him into custody.

Walker tells Jack that Kim is there to help him. He goes white boy crazy on her. She tells him that Kim has been trying to see him all day, that she’s not just there because Walker called.

Jack meets with Kim. They have a come to Jesus meeting. She apologizes, he apologizes, but he still doesn’t want her to help him. It’s really sad. The least she can do is insist on saving him since he saved her from all of her stupid ways. Mountain lion, anyone?

The Starkwood agent that went to check the perimeter kills an FBI agent. Another FBI agent shows up and takes his gun and realizes he has a cannister of the bio-weapon. Before Moss can get help there, the Starkwood baddie kills the agent and leaves with his cannister… and the FBI’s car to add insult to injury.

Moss takes off in a copter with Tony to try and find the guy who got away. They find him, but have to chase him on foot and can’t wait for backup. Starkwood baddie kills the helicopter pilot. Moss takes a few shots to the vest and tries to warn Tony that the baddie is behind him. Tony doesn’t care ’cause he and the baddie are FRIENDS!! Tony apologizes and then kills Moss by smothering him.

What the frak?!

Tony was a good guy who got dead, who came back and went bad, but went good and now is bad again? Jack gonna get his ass dead again.

Tick tock tick tock…

24 – Day 7: Midnight – 1am

Previously on 24: The president appoints her crazy-ass daughter provisional Chief of Staff. Moss informs the president that they need to move on Starkwood (the anti-government, private military, white boy crazy group) because they have bio-weapons and were in on the atack on The White House. Tony refuses to break under Hodges’ interrogation. Hodges’ assistant turns on him and offers up the location of the bio-weapons. The FBI moves on Starkwood, but gets punked. Oh, and Jack still has incurable cooties.

And now…

The following takes place between 12am and 1am:

Tony and Moss realize they are surrounded by Starkwood crazies. Janis confirms via satellite they don’t have an out. Hodges shows up. He orders them to leave his property. Their search warrant was for a specific building and there were no weapons of mass destruction. Sound familiar? He tells Moss they have five minutes to get the hell up outta there… and he wants his assistant, Greg, released to boot.

Moss tells Walker they have five minutes to come up with a plan. Jack figures out there’s a man within Starkwood that may be able to help them, Mr Knowles. Jack calls him and asks for his help. Knowles says he might have an idea where the bio-weapons are. Jack will call him back.

Starkwood’s men move into place. Jack tells Moss they need to create a diversion so that Tony can stay behind, and the FBI should leave. Moss bitch-punches Greg and takes a hit to the face for his troubles. Meanwhile, Tony swipes a weapon and ducks back into the empty warehouse. Moss and his men leave.

Tony meets up with Knowles who says he has an idea of where the weapons are. Janis plots a course for them. At the FBI offices, Jack has a cootie flare-up. He doesn’t look good.

Jack calls the president and tells her they were punked. He says they can pull off an air strike once they confirm where the bio-weapons are. The president wants visual confirmation from Jack before they make a move. She privately asks how his cooties are doing. He tells her that he currently feels fine. She thanks him for his service and apologizes for the cooties.

Olivia’s journalist friend, Ken, calls and wants to know what’s going on. He’s been hearing whispers. She tries to blow him off, but he threatens to tell her mother and the world that she forced out the chief of staff to take his job. She agrees to meet him at his hotel room.

Knowles’ key card isn’t working when they get to where the weapons are. Janis logs in Chloe-style and begins to hack. Some Starkwood men show up before she can get all five digits of the code. Knowles creates a diversion and Tony gets in. Knowles has to leave with the Starkwood security though. Jack, at the FBI offices, collapses in a cooties attack.

When Hodges hears that Knowles was found wandering he orders him taken to his office. The bio-weapons will be ready in 30 mins.

Olivia arrives at Ken’s hotel. She wants Aaron to wait in the hall, but he wants to check the room first. She talks him out of it. Ken tells Olivia that his source told him a WMD was hijacked and he wants details. Olivia refuses saying it’s national security. He pushes and she blabs. Ken says he’ll kill the story if Olivia sleeps with him.

She tried to blow him off, and now she just has to blow him. She needs to start screaming rape and let Aaron bust a cap in that ass.

Jack gets treated by the CDC lady. He’s all, “Circle, circle, dot, dot, now I have a cootie shot.” She tells him that with a stem cell donor that’s a genetic match, he could take part of some experimental treatment. Jack won’t contact his daughter, Kim. And thank God for that ’cause she’s annoying as hell. Walker thinks that Kim should have the choice to help or not.

Where the hell are Chloe and Morris? Did they go home?

Anyway, Janis realizes that 8 hostiles are on their way to Tony’s location. Jack offers to regroup, but Tony wants to get it over with. Tony takes out two of them Splinter Cell-style! It’s kinda hot.

Tony steals a bullet proof vest, some weapons, and a key card. He gets in an elevator and encounters a scientist. They make small talk. Tony makes his way to where the weapons are and takes a picture. He sends them to Jack who confirms they are the bio-weapons. He tells Tony to get the hell up outta there.

Knowles wants to know what the hell is going on. Hodges goes on a white boy crazy-rant. He sounds like Dick Cheney. I kept this country safe, I won’t apologize, blah, blah, blah. Knowles tells him he can’t start a war with the federal government. Hodges beats him with a decanter and then tosses him over the balcony. He then cleans blood and brain schmutz off of his shirt. Greg calls and tells him that F18s are less than ten minutes from their location. The bio-weapons are ready. Hodges orders a call to the president.

Olivia has slept with Ken and he says he’s still gonna run the story. He says this is how the game is played, and Olivia is all, “No, bitch. This is how it’s played.” She gets her cell phone which has recorded their whole sex romp. She threatens to tell the world… and his wife.

The president calls and tells Olivia to get her ass back to the White House. The air strike is set to go down in five minutes.

Hodges confirms that the weapons are ready. Then he makes a face and looks just like Angelina Jolie.

The president and joint chiefs realize that Starkwood knows they’re coming. Hodges calls and the president takes his call in private. He tells her that if she doesn’t turn the planes around, he’ll launch missiles armed with the bio-weapon at three major cities on the east coast. He tells her she can’t tell anyone about their conversation and that he wants to meet with her in the oval office within the hour.

The president rushes to call off the strike. They manage to call it off just in time. Then the president walks out the room without an explanation. She can do that. She’s the president.

24 Day 7: 11pm-12am

Previously on 24: Senator Mayer is dead, and everyone thinks Jack did it. Ethan Kanin resigns as Chief of Staff. Jack gets Tony Almeida to help him obtain the biological weapons before Starkwood can get their hands on them. Jack leaves Tony to get captured, and ends up exposing himself to the bio-weapon before losing it again to Starkwood! Jack done messed up!

And now…

The following takes place between 11pm and 12am…

Jack has to get down to his skivvies in the middle of the road so the CDC can check him out for cooties. His body is covered in scars. It’s sad. Then he gets butt-ass nekkid and hosed down.

At the FBI offices, Moss fills in Janis. He says they won’t make a move against Starkwood without proof there’s a bio-weapon, and even then they have to tell the president and let her decide what to do. Oh, so now you want to listen to orders?

The bio-weapon arrives at Starkwood’s compound and so does Almeida. Hodges says that Almeida isn’t going to talk – he’s not the type. In other words, he’s not a punk-ass. Why do they want to talk to Tony? Why not just kill him?

Hodges is salty that the weapons will take two hours to deploy. He knows that getting them ready is the only thing that will keep the government from bum-rushing them.

Almeida is getting his ass kicked, but he still won’t talk. They want to know what the FBI knows. Tony says he doesn’t know anything. Hodges’ assistant, Greg, thinks they should destroy the evidence. Hodges tells him to man up.

The CDC finds that the trace amounts of the airborn pathogen shouldn’t be enough to do any harm. They’re going to transport Jack to the FBI offices where they’ll run the remainder of their tests.

At the White House, Olivia has a suggestion for the new Chief of Staff. The president agrees to meet with him. In the meantime, she wants Olivia to be COS. What? They went from not speakng to this in like five hours. Larry Moss calls the White House.

Moss tells the president that Jack is innocent and that Starkwood was involved in the earlier attacks. The president calls for the cabinet and joint chiefs.

Moss tells Agent Walker that Jack was right. She resists the urge to be like, “I told you so.” He tells her that Jack was exposed and he apologizes to her for not trusting her. Are these two doing the nasty?

Olivia stops Aaron from leaving the White House. She wants him to be her secret service man and she won’t take no for an answer. If that heifer gets Aaron killed, I’ma be mad.

The president tells the cabinet and joint chiefs what’s going on. They worry that going into Starkwood would be like starting a mini-war and they have to be careful not to set off the bio-weapons. In other words, they’re in deep shit.

Almeida still won’t talk. A henchman is about to kill Tony when Greg kills him. He wants Tony’s help. He ain’t tryna go to jail for the rest of his life because Hodges went White Boy Crazy.

On the way to the FBI offices, Jack gets his blood work results, but they don’t tell us what they mean! WTF!

Jack arrives at the FBI offices. He has cooties, but they’re not contagious. There is no cure for cooties. Agent Walker walks in on Jack getting dressed and sees his scars. She wants him. Badly. She tells him she needs to debrief him.

Greg leads Tony to his office where he takes a call from Hodges. Hodges wants Greg’s ass ready to roll before the FBI gets there, and he wants Tony dead if he doesn’t start singing. Greg begins to set up a secure line so that they can call the FBI.

Tony calls in and Moss says he needs to get the okay from the president before they can cut a deal for Greg. COME ON! We don’t have time for this shit! Hodges is getting the cooties weapons ready as we speak!

At the White House, the president watches video footage of what the bio-cooties-weapon can do. The president says she didn’t do enough to limit Starkwood’s power. Moss calls in and tells the president of the deal Greg wants to cut. She agrees. She electronically signs the pardon and the raid on Starwood is set to begin in ten minutes.

Greg not only tells them which warehouse the weapons are in, but he gives longitude and latitude too. Damn.

Jack wants to go and be in on the raid, but Moss says they can’t risk him having a cooties attack in the field. Then he pities him. You don’t pity Jack Bauer!

Greg leads Almeida to where the weapons are so he can do recon for the raid. 1,500 Starkwood soldiers on the scene and he only encounters one. Tony Almeida takes him out easily enough. Hodges is getting antsy. The weapons are taking too long to get ready and he knows the FBI are on their way.

Moss is two minutes out via helicopter. He gets intel from Tony. He then gets on the horn w/ Starkwood’s air tower and tells them they’re coming in under order of the president. They drop in Rainbow-Six style. This is too easy!

They blow the door to the warehouse where the weapons are being held. But they’re not there!

Greg lied. That rat bastard! He claims that Tony coerced him to saying he knew where the weapons were. The FBI is on the wrong side of the compound. Tony looks at Greg like he wants to beat dat ass.

Moss reports back to Agent Walker that the weapons aren’t there. Jack reasons that they couldn’t have moved them so quickly and that they must be on the compound somewhere.

Starkwood men advance on the FBI and tell them they searched the warehouse they came to search, and now they must leave. If they advance further, they will be fired upon.

Tick… tock… tick… tock.

24: Day 7 10pm-11pm

Previously on 24: Ethan Kanin is confronted with his role in Jack’s interrogation of Burnett. Agent Walker is detained after helping Jack get to Senator Mayer. Jonas Hodges doesn’t worry about loose ends for the moment. Jack convinces Senator Mayer that there’s another threat out there, but Mayer is killed before he can help Jack. Jack kills the man who killed Burnett and Mayer.

And now…

The following takes place between 10pm and 11pm:

Agent Moss calls Kanin and tells him that Senator Mayer is dead. Poor Kanin looks like he’s about to have a heart attack. Moss reminds Kanin that it’s all his fault. Seriously, Kanin may stroke out before midnight.

Jack fills Tony in on the Starkwood/Sangala/there are weapons on U.S. soil connection. Tony is down for whatever and they agree to meet.

President Taylor talks to First Hubby who’s still in the hospital. She tells him everything is okay and that Olivia is back home. I predict this is the last we’ll see of First Hubby. Kanin arrives and gives the president the bad news. He then offers to resign as the Chief of Staff. She offers to control the damage, but he has already made up his mind. This is really sad. And you knoooow Olivia is going to eat this up.

Well, that conversation lasted long enough for Jack and Tony to meet up at the storage place Jack found on the Quinn’s phone.

A security guard there is on the phone with his pregnant wife… pregnant with twins… (That means his death will be really tragic) when he hears a noise.  Jack grips him up.

Hodges speaks with his main henchman, Stokes. Quinn hasn’t checked in and Hodges ponders the possibility that Jack got to him and now knows the plan. He tells Stokes to wait five minutes and then go in. Hodges gives a pep talk to his Starkwood peeps. He doesn’t want them to cooperate with the government. Ignore the subpeonas. One board member, Doug, speaks up that he doesn’t think that’s the way to go. They talk privately and Doug doesn’t think Senator Mayer will let up. Hodges tells him Mayer won’t be a problem to nobody no’ mo’. Doug wonders if Hodges was involved in Mayer’s death… out loud. Stupid. Keep your suspicions to yourself before you end up dead too!

Jack and Tony have the guard tied up and try to get into the manifest info on the computer. Jack hits a security roadblock on the computer. He explains to the guard, Carl, that they’re trying to stop terrorists and Carl doesn’t need to be convinced. He agreed to help the terrorists; open the gate for them, turn off the cameras, make sure there weren’t any other police – he thought he was helping some electronics smugglers.

Jack can’t reach the FBI because communications are jammed. When Stokes calls Carl on his walkie-talkie, Jack instructs Carl to answer. Then he tells Carl to play along like everything is okay. They’ll follow the terrorists to the container with the weapons and once past the jamming frequency, they’ll call for help. Carl doesn’t know if he can do it and Jack ain’t tryna hear it. Too late to bitch out now, Carl. Jack gives him the whisper pep-talk that Jack does so well. Carl wants to be sure that all he has to do is open the gate and that Jack and Tony will have his back. He makes Jack pinky-promise.

Carl isn’t long for this world.

Carl starts yammering about how expensive getting pregnant was and his insurance being crappy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell your story walking… to the gate.

Carl goes to the gate reeking of, “Please, God! Don’t kill me.” He gives Stokes directions to the container, but he insists that Carl ride with them. Poor Carl. Never go to the second location!!!

Kanin packs up his stuff, and Olivia comes to gloat… but she covers it with sympathy. I don’t trust her! Go home, Kanin. You don’t want to be in that poorly secured White House no way. Olivia calls the reporter that approached Kanin and leaks the story that Jack is suspected of killing Senator Mayer.

Moss is, thankfully, smart enough to realize that if the Senator was killed in the foyer, there shouldn’t be additional slugs from where Quinn chased Jack.

Moss calls Agent Walker and she tells him about Quinn and Starkwood, but he won’t let her help.

OK, back to the shipping containers. Why are they playing this military-like, soaring music? Was that necessary? The bad guys get the container they need, but are waiting for a flatbed to move it. Um, why didn’t they have that ready?

Tony wants to leave, but Jack realizes that the bad guys are gonna kill Carl… and he pinky-promised. Tony is all, “You’re gonna turn a surveillance job into a fire-fight. It will be 2 against 10.”

“2 against 9,” Jack growls.

Awesome.

The bad guy is about to shoot Carl when Jack takes him out long-range using a silencer. Carl says thank you, bows a few times, and gets on the hot foot. The other bad guys are ready to go, but the shooter isn’t responding. ‘Cause he’s dead. When the bad guys realize what has happened, Tony and Jack open up a can of hurt. In all the chaos, the truck is loaded with the container and starts to leave. Jack goes after it while Tony covers him.

Jack jumps on top of the truck and bitch-punches the driver. Tony gets caught. And Jack leaves him! Aw, Jack say it ain’t so.

Jack calls Moss from the truck and tells him what’s going on. He needs a  CDC team to meet him with the truck full of bio-weapons. He also confesses that Tony made need some help too since he left his ass. The stuff in the back of the truck starts beeping!

He pulls over and discovers that the truck took some damage and one of the tanks inside is leaking. Run, Jack, run! Jack goes into the back of the truck and turns off a valve or something. I don’t know. I’m just tryna figure out why he’s moving so slow. You know they’re gonna catch up with him!

Sure enough, as he’s leaving the truck a helicopter shows up and starts shooting at him. Well, guys in the helicopter, not the helicopter. An SUV shows up and Jack really does run. From the side of the road he sees the bad guys unloading the weapons.

Stokes calls in to Hodges and tells him they have the weapons. They’ll be in place in ten minutes. They also have Tony gripped up in the backseat.

Jack calls into Moss. The CDC will come to him for proof there’s a bio-weapon so that the FBI has cause to raid the private Starkwood compound they believe the weapon is headed to. Jack admits that he was exposed.

Yup, Jack Bauer has cooties.

Tick… tock… tick… tock.

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