24 – Day 8, 4pm-8pm

The following takes place between 4pm and 5pm:

With no reminiscing down memory lane, 24 starts with a bang. Literally. A guy being targeted by a sniper enters a building and finds his friend dead in the bathtub. He makes a phone and learns that another friend has also been shot. He pulls a gun and hauls ass out the building.

The sniper is just about to take a shot at him, when his accomplice realizes it’s not their target. Seems homeboy got a homeless guy to leave the building wearing his jacket. That’s a pretty fucked up thing to do to a homeless guy, but whatever. This is 24.

The guy gets away, but not before being shot in the shoulder.

Jack Bauer is watching cartoons with his granddaughter who keeps bugging him to change the channel. She’s just as annoying as her mother. Speaking of which, Kim calls to tell Jack she’ll be running a few minutes late due to traffic. Later, she speaks with her husband/boyfriend/baby daddy? about Jack not yet saying whether or not hell be moving to Los Angeles with them. He offers to talk to Jack.

President Taylor is in negotiations with president Hassan of Kamistan – they’re offering to dismantle their nuclear systems. They’re at stalemate when his country refuses to have the Americans being the one doing the inspection. Privately, Taylor pushes to give him what he wants.

Jack tells Kim that he wants to move back to Los Angeles with them. He’s gonna pack and meet them at their hotel. There’s all this sappy music playing as he buckles his granddaughter in the car and you just knooow shit is aimed right at the fan.

Right now, the shit is in the form of the guy shot in the shoulder. He watches Jack go back inside his building before packing a gun and following.

A blonde woman gets all pissy when her press credentials are revoked for being invalid. Looks like she won’t be getting into this presidential press conference.

Hassan is informed that the U.S. has agreed to his terms with one condition: they want the head of the inspection team to be an American. Hassan is happy with this, but his brother is not. He thinks they’ve already done too much to appease the U.S. Hassan gets a call from the reporter and she explains that her press credentials have been revoked. Hassan’s bro admits that he had Ms. Reed’s credentials revoked because people are starting to talk. It is sooo obvious Hassan is hittin’ that but he insists he’s not.

Shot in shoulder guy is at Jack’s door. Jack doesn’t look happy to see him. He says he needs Jack’s help. Jack is all, “Victor, I’ll call your ass an ambulance, but that’s about it.” Victor tells Jack there’s gonna be a hit on Hassan before the peace treaty is signed. He wants Jack to call CTU and cut a deal for him (he got the hitman into the country.) Jack takes Victor’s gun and demands to know who the hitter is, but Victor won’t talk without a deal.

The New York CTU offices are all high-tech and fancy. Fancier than normal. Chloe is there, but she’s all outta sorts. She doesn’t like the way Dana (Starbuck from BSG) is treating her like a newbie. Also, Starbuck Dana seems to be engaged to Ortiz (Freddie Prinze, Jr.)

Jack calls Chloe and tells her he needs to speak to the director Hastings. (Bubba from Forest Gump.) She puts him through and he tells Hastings about Victor’s story.  Hastings says hell send a chopper to pick them up at a spot 5 blocks away. Hastings sends Ortiz with a team to pick them up.

The Russian hitman and his guys are listening to police radio and hear a call go over about Victor’s shot up car. They know where he is now.

Taylor is pleased to hear that Hassan has accepted their counteroffer. She gets verklempt when she thinks about the fact that her husband isn’t there to share the moment – peace with the Islamic Republic is something they both always wanted. Turns out they’re divorced now because she sent their daughter to jail.

When Taylor gets word of the possible assassination attempt, her dilemma is now whether to tell Hassan before or after the agreement is signed. Rob, the chief of staff, thinks they should tell him, Ethan doesn’t.

Jack calls Kim and tells her that he’ll meet her at the airport instead. He doesn’t tell her that anything is wrong. He and Victor are two blocks from the precinct where the chopper is meeting them. Jack decides to cut through an alley. NEVER a good idea.

Chloe finally pulls Victor’s file, but Hastings is annoyed it took her so long. Chloe complains that she’s had to learn all the new interfaces, but Hastings isn’t really tryna hear it. She needs to catch up, or be gone.

Ortiz leaves to get Jack and worries that Starbuck Dana might be getting cold feet.

Jack drags Victor’s bloody ass through the alley, but Victor can barely walk. Jack rips into a nasty ass mattress to re-compress Victor’s wound. A suspicious parking attendant calls 911 on a very obvious Spring product placement. Jesus. The camera stayed on the camera for like, 30 seconds even though it took 3 to dial 9-1-1.

Hassan and his wife head down to the conference and things are extremely icy between them. Hassan’s aide meets Reed at the security checkpoint and warns her to stay away from Hassan.

Rob isn’t happy to hear that Taylor isn’t going to tell Hassan about the threat to his life.

In the alley, Jack and Victor are stopped by the cops but before they can verify his story, the bad guys show up. After a brief shootout, Jack and Victor head for roof and he calls CTU. They arrange an alternate rooftop pickup. Jack tells Victor he needs to tell him everything he knows about the hitter in case he doesn’t make it. Victor won’t hear of it.

Jack takes out one of the bad guys with a fire axe. The other goes toppling down the staircase hitting every landing on the way down.

They make it to the rooftop and one agent starts to take Victor to the copper while Ortiz tells Jack he needs to come in for a debriefing. Jack is like, “Negative. I got shit to do.” From another rooftop, someone launches a rocket and blows up the chopper.

At CTU, everyone is all freaked out that they’re dead. Jack gets to Victor and tells him he needs to tell what he knows before he dies. Victor manages to croak out that there’s a person on the inside, close to Hassan, in on the plan. Of course there is. This is 24. There’s ALWAYS someone on the inside. Then Victor dies like a punk ass bitch – but not as punk ass bitchy as the time he was forced to blow a gang banger on The Shield.

Reed tells a mystery person that Hassan’s brother took away her clearance, but she used her feminine wiles to get Hassan to reinstate it. She assures the person on the phone that “it” will get done. It = Hassan.

Tick… tock… tick… tock…

The following takes place between 5pm and 6pm…

Ortiz is all pissy with Hastings because he almost got a rocket up the ass. I find it hard to take him seriously as I keep picturing him with a blond wig and ascot.

Hastings orders Jack back to CTU for a debriefing. Jack, surprisingly, listens, but he ain’t happy.

Starbuck Dana tells Hastings she may have a lead on the insider and Hastings tells her to look into it with Chloe’s help. Hastings tells Chief of Staff Rob Wiess that they may want to postpone the treaty signing until the threat is handled, but he won’t hear of it.

Reed and Hassan talk and make arrangements to meet in his private office. Bow-chicka-bow-bow.

CTU figures out that Reed was the one who illegally accessed the U.N’s system and alert the Secret Service that she’s a threat. They grip her ass up when she’s just ten yards from Hassan.

Chloe tells everyone that it seems a little easy that Reed was found. Starbuck Dana pretty much tells Chloe to S.T.F.U. Hastings puts Chloe in charge of Jack’s debriefing.

Jack calls Kim from CTU and tells her he’ll meet her at the airport, but once she finds out where he is, she insists on picking him up on the way to the airport. In other words, she wants to make sure his ass gets on that plane.

Ortiz is all pissed off cause he feels like if they had more backup, the attack wouldn’t have happened. Hastings warns him not to put his concerns on record.

Chloe expresses her concerns that Reed is a red herring, but Jack doesn’t want to get involved.

Hassan’s daughter is relieved that he’s okay. His wife is suspicious that Reed had such access to him. His brother walks in and I just realize he has hair like that prince from Shrek. It annoys me.

He pulls Hassan aside and tells him that Reed will be questioned and he needs to know everything she will say about their relationship. Hassan confesses to the affair, but his bro warns him that if questioned by the Americans, he need to deny it. Hassan neither agrees or disagrees.

Hassan’s brother calls the shooter and tells him that he needs to get Hassan to refute the reporter’s story so that CTU will think she’s the contact on the inside and divert attention from the true rat – Hassan’s brother!

Arlo flirts with Starbuck Dana and she shoots him down. Then she gets a call from someone that calls her Jenny Scott. He threatens her and she threatens to call the cops. She’s all, “My name isn’t Jenny! It’s Starbuck Dana!”

Reed demands to know why she’s been detained. Hastings tells her they found evidence that she’s apart of a plot to kill Hassan. He ain’t hearing it.

Jack presents Hastings with photos of the shooter entering Reed’s apartment around the time Reed supposedly hacked into the U.N.’s computers. Hastings STILL ain’t hearing it.

Jack tells Chloe she’s on her own. The last time he got tangled up in some national security shit, he got cooties! Jack meets Kim and her family in the parking garage. Kim tells him that she spoke to Chloe and Chloe broke all kinds of national security rules to tell her what’s going on. Chloe tryna get fired. Kim convinces Jack to stay. It’s the least she can do after being extremely annoying and fucking up the works in prior seasons.

Jack heads into CTU and he’s all business.

As Reed is being interrogated, the negotiations begin. Taylor tells Hassan that any info revealed by Reed will be shared with him.

Chloe can’t find out where the shooter went after leaving Reed’s apartment via the traffic cams, but hacks into Arlo’s system to get footage. They get the cab number and call to find out where it took him.

Starbuck Dana calls some redneck chick and asks her if she ratted her out to the bastard that’s been calling her. Redneck Ruth swears it wasn’t her. Starbuck Dana continues to have a completely secretive conversation in the hallway at work. Arlo snitches that someone hacked into his station to scan the drone archives. Starbuck Dana tells him to track it down and find out who did it.

The shooter shows up at a couple’s house and it turns out he is a cop that’s a part of the U.N. security detail.

Starbuck Dana tells Hastings what Jack and Chloe are up to. Hastings busts Jack trying to steal weapons from the armory. Jack tells Hastings that the president will be very interested to know that Hastings is a fuck up that got his informant and one of his own men killed. Hastings lets Jack do what he does best if only he’ll keep his mouth shut. Hastings still thinks the only lead is Reed.

The shooter, Mikey, wants to trade shifts with Jim but Jim says he can’t. Jim and Maggie have a meeting at their son’s school. Mikey suddenly gets a whole new accent and pulls a gun. He orders Jim to cover his wife’s mouth with tape and then shoots her in the leg to show he means business. He orders Jim to call the boss an tell him that Mikey will be taking his shift. Jim gets on the good foot and does as he’s told.

The following takes place between 6pm and 7pm…

Hastings tells chief of staff Weiss that they’re still trying to get info from Reed. Weiss isn’t happy that they are moving so slowly and wants the file found on Reed’s computer decrypted quickly.

Ortiz tells Starbuck Dana what Chloe and Jack suspect, Starbuck Dana thinks that Reed is still their best bet.

Mikey tells Jim he doesn’t want to hurt them, he is just doing his job. Mikey talks to the boss and tells him that Mikey will be taking his shift. Jim then asks Mikey to leave them alone, but I don’t think that’s gonna happen.

Jack is at the block where the cab dropped Mikey off and a young guy playing basketball tells Jack which house Mikey went into. Jack sees Jim shot in the forehead from the window and busts in the back door. Of course the cops show up and think that Jack killed the people inside. Jack tried to explain to one officer what was going on, but his trigger-happy partner tazers Jack in the back.

That’s a bitch-ass move.

The creepy blackmailing stalker dude from Starbuck’s Dana’s past shows up at CTU. She goes to meet him. He makes her beg to keep her secret then tells her he needs a place to stay. She gives him the keys to her place when I really think she should have just shot his ass.

Reed tells Hastings about her affair with Hassan but he doesn’t believe it. He calls for confirmation, but he has to wait for a callback from Weiss. Chloe tries to get Hastings to send back up for Jack, but he’s still being an asshole. Meanwhile, Jack is getting his ass kicked in the basement of the dead cop’s house. The one cop with sense doesn’t want any parts of it and heads upstairs.

When the president tells Hassan that Hastings wants to speak with him, Hassan’s bro warns him to deny the relationship. Hassan gets on the phone with Hastings and confirms the affair. Hassan’s brother almost flips his wig. Literally. Hastings refuses to send back up for Jack AND he still thinks Reed is on the plot to assassinate Hassan. At this point, I want to kick Hastings in his ass.

Hassan’s bro calls Mikey and tells him what Hassan did. Mikey says the plan is still on that Hassan will be dead within the hour.

Jack gets the drop on the cop that’s been beating his ass, but the partner shows up and pulls his gun on both of them. He calls in the double murder, and Jack convinces him to look up the duty assignment for the dead cop.

Arlo continues to hit on Starbuck Dana, but before she can cuss him out, there’s a break in the file they’ve been decrypting. It’s schematic for the U.N. with a bomb present. Hastings calls it in. Chloe tells Hastings it could be a trap, but he’s still being ignorant.

An evacuation is ordered which, of course, is exactly what Mikey wanted. He arms the bomb from his cell phone outside.

Hassan’s bro calls Mikey and tells him which car his brother is in. At this point, Donny points out that Hassan’s bro looks like a damn douchebag.

The good cop confirms Jack’s story and drives him to the U.N. Jack calls Chloe and tells her what’s going on. I’m real shitty Jack doesn’t get a chance to beat dat ass of the cop that was beating on him, but I suppose Jack got bigger fish to fry.

Jack is patched through to Cole Ortiz who uses his car to push Hassan’s car out of danger and off course. Aw, sookie sookie now. They done made Freddie Prinze Jr. a P.I.M.P.

The following takes place between 7pm and 8pm…

Hastings gets his ass chewed out by Weiss when they realize they fell for a trap to get Hassan out of the building. Both Ortiz and Hassan are fine. As Ortiz starts to move Hassan to another vehicle, Mikey considers taking a shot at him but there are too many cops around. Hassan gets away safely.

As Cole calls in his situation to Starbuck Dana, he spots Mikey and takes chase.

Hassan’s bro calls Mikey who tells him what happens. He tells Hassan’s bro to get the hell outta dodge because they will soon know he’s in on it. Then this fool gets out of the car, stabs a cop in the neck with a pen, and hauls ass!

Mikey gets the drop on Ortiz and tells him he’s gonna walk him outta there. He orders Ortiz to call in that their position is clear so they can get away. Ortiz, instead, gives up their position and prepares to die. Jack shows up and kills Mikey instead.

Freddie Prinze Jr. then shits his pants.

Hassan arrives at CTU and Hastings tells him about his brother’s involvement. Chloe tells Hastings that Mikey was killed by Jack and that Jack uplinked some video of the tattoos on the killers. They are all members of a Russian gang. They’re flying in an agent that got close to the gang during an investigation: Renee Walker.

Hassan’s bro is on the run. He calls the Russian man in charge and hails a cab to go meet him.

President Taylor expresses her gratitude that Hassan is still alive. Rob Weiss is all business. He wants to know if the peace negotiations are still in place. Hassan is not about to let his brother get away with ruining what they started. Taylor says she’ll arrange for CTU to have Hassan returned to the U.N. as soon as possible.

Ortiz and Jack arrive at CTU and Chloe tells Jack that Renee is on her way due to her experience working undercover for the Russian mob. According to Chloe, Renee went all white girl crazy at some point.

Hassan thanks Ortiz for saving his life, but Ortiz tells him that it wasn’t just him – Jack and Chloe deserve props. Alarms sound in CTU. Seems Mikey’s dead body is giving off all kinds of nuclear cootie vibes. Hassan wants to speak to Hastings a.s.a.p.

Renee arrives at CTU and Chloe greets her at the helipad. Chloe manages to not stick her foot in her mouth and ask too many awkward questions or mention Jack.

Hassan tells Hastings that some nuclear program they were working on could be behind the uranium cooties coming off of Mikey. He warns that they need to stop the Russians before they get their hands on it.

Renee deciphers Mikey’s tattoos. She explains that the gang is badass. Hastings tells Renee that she needs to go back undercover with the Russian mob. Renee says she’ll do it, but not cause she wants her FBI badge back, just cause she’s hardcore like that. Word.

Jack says goodbye to Chloe. She fills him in on Renee going back undercover. Jack goes to talk to Renee. She is very happy to see him. But she doesn’t want to hear his warnings against going back undercover. She likes the new, darker, side of herself and Jack should really mind his fucking business. Well, she doesn’t say that exactly, but you get the point between all the raw sexual tension.

Hassan meets with Reed and though he admits he really cares for her, he can’t jeopardize all the good he can do for his country by being with her. A secret service guy is being all nosy so their visit is cut short.

Renee devises a plan to get back into the Russian’s good graces. Jack walks in and needs to speak to Hastings alone. Renee refuses to leave. Jack tells Hastings that Renee isn’t ready for this. Renee tells Jack to mind his own beeswax. Jack says he’ll go in with her.

Hassan’s brother arrives at the Russians’ evil headquarters. He wants proof that they have the uranium rods. The Russian boss shows him his younger son who is locked in a room at the back of the restaurant. He’s all cootied up from the exposure. This seems to be proof enough for Hassan’s bro.

Redneck boy calls Starbuck Dana at work. He wants to know about Ortiz. He wants her to come home and she won’t. He goes all white boy redneck crazy on her.

Renee arrives at her Russian contact’s store. She claims she got out of jail early and wants to get in touch with Vladimir (are there no other Russian names?) – she has a buyer for him. He says he can’t help her. If he calls for Vladimir, they’ll kill him. He has a monitor bracelet on his wrist from being on parole. Renee gets all flirty with him. She claims she can get his bracelet off.

She clamps his hand in a vice and then CUTS HIS FUCKING HAND OFF!!!

Jack comes rushing in. He says this is over. Renee says she’s just getting started.

Tick…tock…tick…tock….

Top Ten Most Anticipated TV in 2010

10. Damages

OK, sure season 2 was a mess of convoluted plot involving a bribed judge, a double-crossing FBI investigation, and a cokehead stabbing Patty(Glenn Close) in an elevator, but I have high hopes that season 3 of Damages will return to the glory that was the amazing, thought-provoking, twists and turns of season 1.

Damages returns to FX on January 25th.

9. Jeff and the other chick on The Amazing Race

Last season’s winner of Big Brother, whatsherface, will be joining the cast of globe trotting contestants on the next season of The Amazing Race. But the big news is that her racing partner is none other than the ubersexy, Jeff, who you may remember was her (OK, fine. Her name is Jordan) showmance in the BB house.

I cannot wait to see him jetsetting for the million bucks. Preferably shirtless. Here’s to hoping the producers have come up with lots of hot locales to ensure maximum topless Jeff moments. I’m just saying.

8. Southland returns on TNT

I don’t know who’s in charge over at NBC, but it must be run by morons. They consistently cancel awesome shows like Journeyman, Life and Scrubs. Then they let a gem like Medium get swept up by the good people at CBS to make room for five nights of the chronically unfunny Jay Leno at 10pm.

Thankfully, cooler heads prevail over at TNT and they’ve given new life to the gritty police drama Southland. The season finale was a jaw-dropper so thank the TV gods that TNT will pick up the show so we can see how it all plays out.

7. Stargate: SGU

Thanks to my friend Cathy sending me all ten seasons of Stargate: SG1, I have another sci-fi franchise to add to my must-see list. I’m currently starting season 2 of Stargate: Atlantis, but couldn’t wait to get through all five seasons of that before diving into Stargate Universe which premiered on SyFy last fall.

SGU follows a band of military personnel, scientists, and civilians trapped on a spaceship built by The Ancients who developed the stargates as they try to figure out a way back to Earth.

Some of my fellow Stargate fans complain that SGU is more Battlestar Galactica than Stargatey, but that’s okay with me. I love the dark sets, mental manipulations, and catastrophes of the week plots.

6. The final episodes of Nip/Tuck

Tonight FX kicks off the final nine episodes of Nip/Tuck. Even though I can admit that the show has been bordering on very cheesy and plain-ass ridiculous for at least two seasons now, I am sorry to see it go. I will watch tonight, and for the next eight weeks, and begin my goodbyes to the sexy, super rich, but morally bankrupt doctors of McNamara/Troy.

5. V

We were teased with four episodes of the remake of the 80′s cult hit V. There were holes like, how the hell did the Vs manage to just drop off sleeper agents without anyone noticing? I mean, it’s not like dropping someone off at a bus stop. But overall, I’m hooked.

It just went back into production in January, so I’m not sure when the new epis will air. I’ll be there whenever that might be.

4. 24 in NYC

Two of my favorite things will be mixing it up on FOX: Jack Bauer and New York City.

Two words: Hells.Yeah!

24 returns on January 17th.

3. Caprica

Caprica, the Battlestar Galactica prequel, tells how the Cylons (at least the Cylons of the 12 colonies of the series) came to be. The pilot was available on DVD last spring and I’ve been waiting like a crackhead ever since.

Caprica premieres on SyFy on January 22nd. Read my Caprica review here.

2. GLEE!

My new favorite show returns… in APRIL! I know! What the hell? We have such a long wait, but no doubt it will be worth it.

What will Quinn do now that everyone knows Puck is the father of her baby? What will happen with the new Shuster/Pillsbury romance? Will Rachel and Finn hook up now that he’s free? Will they please give Kurt more airtime and can we get a full hour dedicated to the awesomeness that is Sue Sylvester?

1. LOST

Come on, now. You knew this would be number one. The final season of Lost begins February 2nd .

SPOILER ALERT:

We’ve met Jacob and the creepy guy that has been trying to kill him since, like, forever. Creepy guy had apparently taken over Locke, who has really been dead all this time, and used him and Ben to finally get to Jacob. There was lots of time traveling and time shifting which led to a big-ass gun fight and Juliet falling down a shaft. Oh, and we got to see the smoke monster kick more ass.

I’m looking forward to all of my questions of the past five years being answered. That’s right. All 1384 of them!

What are you looking forward to? What shows do you miss the most?

New Moon Movie Review

Last year I had many of my female readers all atwitter when I recommended they run, not walk, to pick up copies of the Twilight saga. We were all transported back to our teenage days when the thought of a mysterious, dangerous, and handsome boy in school would send us swooning. And though some people dismiss the Twilight books as literary fluff, I give major kudos to Stephenie Meyer. As a writer mom, I know how hard it is to find the time to sit down and finish something and it was a pretty good idea to boot.

Before going to see a movie based on a series of books, I’ll usually re-read the books to refresh my memory. Between school, the kids, and working part-time, I didn’t have the time to read New Moon again before opening night. This turned out to be a good thing. There were tidbits I’d forgotten and it made the story fresh to me.

I remember reading one of the opening scenes of New Moon while Donny drove and Kali sat in the backseat. I closed the book to tell them about the part where Bella got a paper cut at the birthday party. Twilight the movie wasn’t out yet and Kali asked if I thought New Moon would be a movie as well.  We both agreed that it would be pretty cool to see such a scene play out on the big screen.

But what should have been terrifying – a simple paper cut sets off a chain of events that finds a human girl nursing a bleeding arm in a room full of vampires – was actually comical. I blame two things. One, the actor playing Jasper (Jackson Rathbone) is horrible. Every time he’s supposed to look like he’s repressing the urge to kill Bella (Kristen Stewart), he looks more like someone that has to take a really bad poop and can’t.

Two, vampires need fangs!

Maybe Stephenie Meyer made her vamps fangless to be different, but let’s face it: a lot of the story behind the series has been done before. You’re not reinventing the wheel. Give those vampires fangs! Without them, whenever Edward and the gang bear their teeth to attack, it looks less menacing and more, “Do I have something in my teeth?” Can you imagine if she’d decided to take away the werewolves’ fur or claws? Thank you.

I was curious to see how the lack of Edward (Robert Pattinson) would be handled in this film. The movie runs over two hours and he’s in about 10-15 minutes total. After the paper cut incident (God, that sounds so damn dumb), Edward decides that it would be best if he and his vamp peeps leave town. He worries that he will cause Bella more harm than good. Nevermind the fact that Bella’s at the top of a homicidal vampire’s (redundant?) shit list, he thinks it’s best if he puts some distance between them. Knowing that Bella would pretty much lose her shit, he decides to make her think he doesn’t want to be with her anymore which makes her… you guessed it, lose her shit.

From the trailers, it looked as if Bella was spending many nights in bed writhing in pain and yelling over the breakup. And though I’m not one of those parents that feel it’s the responsibility of  TV, movies, celebrities, etc. to set examples for my daughter, there was a part of me that wanted to smack her and yell, “Man up!” And due to some bad direction, the first time we see Bella in bed screaming after the breakup, most of the girls in the audience groaned. It wasn’t until the second time it happened that we learned she was actually suffering from bad dreams, hence the screaming and twisting and turning.

Still, Bella spends the majority of the movie looking for new ways to engage in dangerous behavior because it’s the only way she can “see” Edward. His image and voice serve as a kind of Jiminy Cricket warning her not to go off with white trash strangers and jump off cliffs. I’ve long said that I don’t think Kristen Stewart can act and the first 20 minutes of the film didn’t change my mind. Then a miraculous thing happened…

Jacob (Taylor Lautner) became of the focus and suddenly there was chemistry, there was an actual love story and actual acting! When reading the books, I was totally Team Edward. Now? Not so much. I actually think Taylor Lautner made Kristen Stewart a better actor. At the very least, he made her tolerable. Unfortunately for Mrs. Meyer, Taylor made it so that anyone with a brain and functioning libibo has a hard time wondering how the hell Bella could pick Edward over Jacob. Also, unfortunately for Mr. Pattinson, he removes his shirt at the end of the film after Taylor spent the majority of it looking all kinds of right with his shirt off. I’m just sayin’.

The special effects were a vast improvemnet from Twilight. The silliness of Edward going all sparkly like he spent an afternoon in Libby Lu is forgiven any time Jacob or one of his clan wolfs out. There was some very bad dialogue and scenes that didn’t make any sense. Like when after Jacob realizes what he is and what the Cullens are, he lashes out to Bella for loving the bloodsuckers. But later when he wants to tell her about himself, he asks, “Have you ever had a secret that you couldn’t tell anyone?” Um, yeah. Didn’t we already cover that she has?

In a recent interview with Oprah, Stephenie Meyer confessed that it was her mother who suggested she add some kind of action to the original ending of Twilight… and it shows. If there’s one area where the all of the books fail, it’s the climax. The pacing is pretty good throughout each one, but suddenly it’s as if Meyer realizes she needs a big ending so she starts tossing in imminent danger, plane rides, and lots of running. It all feels both forced and jarring. New Moon only handles this slightly better than the Twilight film did.

When the Volturi come on screen I realize that Twilight suffers from the same problem as True Blood and Grey’s Anatomy: the supporting characters (Lafayette, Eric, Jessica/McSteamy, Callie, Izzy/Jacob, Volturi, Rosalie) are more interesting and compelling than the main ones we’re supposed to care about (Bill and Sookie/Meredith and Derrick/Edward and Bella.)

And again, things that end up working better on the screen only reminds those of us that have read the books how much better the books could have been. The Volturi in the film are awesome…

Except for this guy:

… but it doesn’t matter how awesome they were. Their roles are small in the upcoming films and we don’t see them again till the end of Breaking Dawn during that drawn-out battle that falls flat. Then again, what does Meyer care? The books have already been written and made her buttload of money.

New Moon is head and shoulders above Twilight as a film. The action is better paced and the ending was spot-on. It left me, and all the tweens, atwitter and counting down to the Eclipse premiere.

Going to see New Moon opening night inspired this blog.

Battlestar Galactica: The Plan

BSG: The Plan is a two-hour movie that tells the saga of Battlestar Galactica from the point of view of the Cylons. We were told for years that they had a plan, but there has been massive speculation as to what that plan was. BSG:TP lays it all out for us as we follow two Cylons (two Cavils) during the months after the Cylon attack.

F. Cavil, who we first saw during the series counciling a grieving Tyrol, lived amongst the colonial fleet and C. Cavil lived on Cylon-occupied Caprica with the resistance fighters.

Going into BSG: TP we know this: The final five Cylons were technically among the first. They were descendants of the Cylons (skinjobs) that left for Earth when they split from the 12 colonies of humans that left Kobol. The Cylons on Earth made Centurions that evolved and turned on them. The Five perfected resurrection and used that technology to escape once the Centurions waged war against the Earth Cylons. They traveled 2,000 to stop the 12 colonies from making the same mistake, but they were too late. The colonists had already made their own Centurions who’d also evolved and rebelled. The Five convinced the Centurions Cylons to stop the war in exchange for their knowledge of resurrection.

They created 13 models of Cylons that looked human – just as they did. The Cavil model grew jealous of one model and killed the whole line. He then killed The Five and programmed their resurrected selves to believe they were human. He placed them amongst the humans where they lived for years. They then continued to crank out hundreds of copies of the other models, none of which knew their true origin or the identities of the Five. They plotted revenge on the humans and launched a sneak nuclear attack against the colonies.

Their plan was simple: kill all of the humans. They didn’t count on a band of resourceful resistance fighters on Caprica and they damn sure didn’t count on close to 50,000 survivors led by the lone battlestar to survive the attacks: Galactica.

As BSG: TP opens we learn that Cavil thought the final five would die in the attacks and resurrect aboard a Cylon baseship filled with gratitude. He thought their time as humans would make them see the light: humans are greedy, selfish, and undeserving of their love. They should be annihilated. Of course, it didn’t work out that way. Each of the five survived the attack. That, and the fact that some Cylons are starting to doubt that they’re doing the right thing, leads to all kinds of changes in “the plan.”

What makes BSG: TP so damn awesome, and it is truly awesome, is the little nods to history and the answers to questions big and small. Like:

• In the miniseries, after Caprica Six parts with Gaius in the courtyard, she hands off a case to someone we never see. “It’s about time you got here.” That person was Cavil.
• When Ellen Tigh is found she says that “a mysterious stranger” rescued her. We see in BSG: TP that during the attack she was in a bar with Cavil who introduced himself as “a mysterious stranger.”
• The Cylon base stars are shaped as they are because they were designed to turn so that their points line up.
• Baltar is the one who slips the note to Adama revealing that there were 12 Cylon models.
• F. Cavil orchestrated the attempt to discredit Baltar’s Cylon Detector by instructioning the Shelly Six to show up with the doctored video.

• The Leoben fascination with Starbuck – we see where it begins and how he came to believe that she had a destiny.
• Boomer had conscious conversations with F. Cavil where they plotted the sabatoge of Galactica like ruining the water supply.

There are some new tidbits as well:

• There was a Simon model living on Gemenon. He was married with a child. There was also a Simon model living with the resistance fighters on Cylon-occupied Caprica.
• Tori survived the attack because she was headed to the airport and some surviving flights acted as rescue flights and helped nearby people off the planet.
• F. Cavil used religious phamplets to reach out to the still-undiscovered Cylons living amongst the fleet.
• There was a copy of every Cylon model living in the fleet.

What really works is the contrast between the two Cavils and two new Simons not seen during the series. The Cavil living with the fleet remains hell-bent on the destruction of man and the one with the resistance fighters begins to have doubts. There’s a Simon living with the fleet too. He’s married with a stepdaughter and wants to continue living as human, but F. Cavil wont hear of it. Meanwhile, the Simon on Cylon-occupied revels in destorying man (and performing experiments on the female-survivors) and doesn’t get the change of heart of the C. Cavil. We get to see how the plan had to be changed and improvised as Cylon agents screwed up sabotage attempts or Galactica just proved to be too formidable.

The movie also does a good job of providing insight into the Cylon psychology. For instance, I found it interesting that though they knew they would download and ressurect, most Cylons were still apprehensive about experiencing “death.” And Cavil’s obsession with gaining the approval of his “parents” (The Final Five) is fascinating. You see it the whole time he’s living with the unsuspecting Anders on Cylon-occupied Caprica.

Fans of the show, diehard fans anyway, will recognize how old scenes have been reimagined with new footage and perspectives.

I honestly could have seen this go on for hours, but The Plan stops just as the two Cavils are reunited (and outed/airlocked) aboard Galactica. Of course, we know the story from there.

If you’ve been trying to ease the dull ache left by BSG’s ending this movie may help… somewhat. The opening scene with that haunting score by the awesome Bear McCreary made me both happy and sad. During the commentary Jane Espenson (writer) mentioned that there was originally going to be three post-finale movies, but they decided on one. Such a shame. But this one gets the job done. It answers questions you didn’t even know you had and it gives us one last glimpse into that wonderful BSG mythology we miss so much.

Dexter – S4E3 – Blinded By The Light

Previously on Dexter: Dexter’s newborn baby boy is cutting into his sleep and killing time. When a murderer walks due to his sleep-deprived courtroom screw-up, Dexter decides taking care of him will solve one of his problems. Lt. Laguerta and Batista carry on a secret affair. A new serial killer (John Lithgow) called The Trinity Killer is in town, recreating his decades-old crimes one after the other.

Agent Lundy returns to town and seeks Dexter’s help in catching the Trinity Killer. Falling asleep at the wheel, Dexter crashes his car with the remains of his latest victim in the trunk.

Due to his head injury, Dexter can’t remember where he hid his latest victim’s body before the crash. Lundy reaches out to Deborah, who thinks he wants to rekindle their relationship. She feels like a fool when she realizes he just wants her help with the  Trinity Killer, who, by the way, has already started stalking his next victim.

And now…

Rita corners Dexter at a neighborhood BBQ – she’s upset that he lied about the seriousness of his accident. She can be so annoying.

Dexter and his new neighbors discuss starting a watch group to catch a neighborhood vandal. Dexter muses that he’s used to working alone to catch the bad guys.

That night, TK (Trinity Killer) makes the lady he’s been stalking drive to a building near the docks. He takes her a top floor and makes her jump.

Anton tells Deborah he has a local gig that will keep him home every day. She doesn’t look thrilled.

Dexter finds the fresh hell of being driven to work every day by Rita who won’t let him stop for a second cup of coffee. See, she’s annoying.

Quinn gives Dexter Miami Dolphins tickets – he knows that Dexter saw him pocket money from a crime scene. Dexter gives the tickets to Masouka.

At the latest TK crime scene, Lundy shows up and admits to Deborah that he’s happy the TK chose Miami – he got to see her again. She’s all atwitter.

Dexter is put off at the neighborhood watch meeting when he realizes that the neighbors will be watching his comings and goings. This puts a serious cramp in his serial killing. He suspects the neighbor’s teenage boy, Andy, as being the vandal. He realizes he needs to out him soon in order to disband the group and ensure his ability to come and go as he pleases. He lifts the boy’s prints from a soda can and matches it to the prints of the person who grafittied his gate.

Anton notices a change in Deborah’s behavior when she has a lunch/meeting with Lundy. She’s still atwitter.

LaGuerta and Batista are shot at by the suspect couple in the vacation killings.

Dexter, pretending to be on neighborhood watch duty, decides to put the fear of God in Andy. Before he can make his move, the neighborhood watch group chase him.

“It’s watch and report, assholes. Not watch and chase. This is so humiliating.”

Dexter has to flee from the makeshift cops with flashlight headbands and whistles. Hilarious.

Masouka tries to sell the Dolphins tickets to Deborah and Quinn while they’re performing a dummy drop at the latest TK scene. Quinn is pissed that Dexter gave away his bribe.

LaGuerta and Batista have to get their stories straight about the shooting. They left the office at noon and didn’t get to the scene where they were shot at until after 3pm. They decide to come up with a lunch/flat tire story to hide their afternoon delight.

Dexter tries, once again, to convince Quinn that he doesn’t give a shit if Quinn is dirty. Quinn tells Dexter he wouldn’t understand what it’s like to be a cop.

Deborah and Dexter have a heart-to-heart. They’re both feeling crowded at home. Neither believe that the jumper at the TK scene was a suicide.

Dexter has to have a talk with Aster who is all moody-tween. He is always embarrassing her in front of Andy who she is obviously crushing on.

I think I liked Rita and her kids better when they were just the white trash family Dexter was spending time with to seem normal.

Deborah lies to Anton about working late when she’s really meeting Lundy for drinks to discuss TK.

Dexter hears the vandal hard at work and decides to hide in Andy’s room to scare his ass when he returns. But Andy’s in his room. Dexter sees it’s the Dad that’s been doing the vandalizing. He shines his headband light into the Dad’s eyes as he corners him in the basement. He tells him he needs to stop what he’s doing or he will come back and leave with the man’s head in a bag… and he already has the bag.

The Dad jumps bad and Dexter beats him down. He’s miserable because he lost his wife and the bank is going to take his house. Dexter is like, “You gonna lose more than that if you keep it up.” The Dad finally agrees to stop.

On his way home, he triggers his neighbor’s security lights and takes them out with a rake… and he’s busted by Rita.

The Amazing Race 15 – “Sean Penn Cambodia Here We Come”

Previously on The Amazing Race: In a bold new move, a team is eliminated before leaving the country… before leaving the parking lot! In Tokyo, the professional poker player hoochies came in last, but were saved because it was a non-elimination round.Garrret and Jessica are eliminated (you know, they are the standard, “we don’t know if we’re meant to be together couple, but the race is going to help us figure that out” couple. I guess that means no.

In Vietnam, the teams tame water dragons and push cement animals through the busy streets. It comes down to a root race between The Harlem Globetrotters and Meghan and Cheyne. The basketball players come in first. Marcie and Ron, the older couple that met on the internet came in last.

And now…

The Globetrotters are the first team to take off. They’re headed to Cambodia. Jesus. I bet they’re the tallest people the Cambodians have ever seen. I want to root for Team Jungle Fever, but the wife is annoying.

Anyway, at the airport the teams quickly realize that there are no flights leaving that night so everyone will have a chance to catch up.

Some teams make it on the first flight out to Cambodia (12:25pm), but Zev and Justin and Lance and Keri don’t and have to go standby. The next flight doesn’t leave till after 2pm. I hope Z. and J. make it. I can’t stand Lance and Keri. Unfortunately,both teams make the flight.

Once in Cambodia, they all rush to catch cabs to the Foreign Correspondence Club. I’m amazed the Globetrotters can fit in the taxis.

Once in the club, they have to whisper to the assignment editor and ask for their next assignment. Then, they have find the Hotel Royal and the suite named after Jackie Kennedy. Half the teams didn’t even realize they were holding a picture of J.Kennedy. One team thought it was Queen Elizabeth, another thought it was a Cambodian woman.

Dumb Americans.

Team Jungle Fever and one other team get taken to the wrong hotel. Everyone else gets it right.

With the detour, most teams choose to pick a scarf from the Russian Market and find a woman in the crowd wearing the same scarf.

The next task has one team member learning to act like a monkey and performing three monkey manuevers. I can’t believe they’re gonna make the brothas do this

When the Globetrotters spot their woman with the scarf, she took off running! See! She saw them big-ass brothas coming towards her and broke out.

When it’s Zav and Justin’s turn to do the monkey manuevers, the one w/ Asperger’s damn near has a monkey-meltdown.

Lance and Keri chose the opposite task of trying to sell motor scooter helmets. They struggle, but finally manage to sell all the helmets for the target amount ($10), – an amount one of the poker hoochies assumed would be too much for poor Cambodians.

Zev and Justin come in first. Sam and Dan, second. The Globetrotters came in third. Then, Zev and Justin realize that they don’t have their passports. Phil tells them that if they don’t find them, they’ll be out of the race.

That’s fucked up, yo.

Phil suggests that they thoroughly check their backpacks (duh) and they find one, but not that the other. They have to backtrack their steps and if they don’t find the other one before the last team checks in, they’re eliminated.

They call the cabbie that took them around that whole day and he agrees to return and help them retrace their steps.

The poker hoochies are the last team to check in, but they are saved because Zev and Justin haven’t returned with their missing passport.

Survivor: Samoa Epi 1 – Puppetmaster

Survivor kicks off it’s biggest season yet with 20 castaways. The tribes were preselected: Galu (purple) and Foa Foa (yellow.) Every tribe votes for their leaders based on first impressions.

Galu picks Russell

And Foa Foa picks Mick

They each pick the members of the team that will compete in their first comp for fire. Mick surprisingly picked Jaison to handle the swimming leg, and surprisingly he can swim!!

Foa Foa wins the challenge.

Russell H. from Foa Foa makes an alliances with each young girl. He calls it his Dumb Ass Girl Alliance. He makes an alliance with Betsy, an ex-cop, who doesn’t trust him.

Later that night, Russell tells everyone that he lived in New Orleans and lost his dog during Hurrican Katrina. He never lived in New Orleans. While everyone is sleeping, he dumps out all of the water from canteens and burns people socks. He confesses that he’s a multi-millionaire from Texas that doesn’t need the money. He’s only there to make people miserable.

What an asshole!

At Galu, Shambo is annoyed with all the talk and little action going on and she’s not impressed with Russell S’s leadership skills.

At the immunity challenge Galu kicks ass which is good because Foa Foa was cocky for no damn reason. You shouldn’t be so damn cocky when you have a little redneck midget pulling your strings.

Marisa makes the mistake of telling Russell H. she isn’t secure in their alliance because she sees him talking to everyone. He tells the whole tribe to vote her out.

At Tribal Council, Marisa is put on the spot and Russell H. fans the flames. She doesn’t do a good job of defending herself and is voted out.

Nina’s Big Ass Fall TV Blog – Premiere Dates and Previews

My longtime readers know that around this time I’ve already made my TiVo spreadsheet. That’s right. With three TiVos (four if you count Kali’s), I need a spreadsheet to plot out which shows will make the cut… and to ensure I don’t miss anything.

Here’s the breakdown on when the new shows premiere as well as when you can expect to see your favorites returning.

Tuesday September 8th

• 90210 (CW)
• Melrose Place (CW)
• Sons of Anarchy (FX)

I love that the people behind Melrose Place are telling you upfront that you can expect more of the same bed-hopping that made the original so successful by declaring, “Tuesday is the new humpday” in MP promos. Classy!

And not even the casting of Ashley Simpson-Wentz (yes, Jessica’s little sis) can keep me from checking it out. Don’t judge me! I’m just excited that they’ve also cast some people of color.

And, old favorites!

Wednesday, September 9th

• America’s Next Top Model (CW)
• So You Think You Can Dance (FOX)
• Glee (FOX)

If you follow me on Twitter (@neenerspb) you know I’ve been raving about this show since FOX aired the pilot sneak peek in April. Since a sassy black woman is just a dickswing away from being a gay white man, it goes without saying that this show about high school misfits who hope to put their glee club on the map is right up my alley!

And if that’s not enough, they cover Kanye’s, “Gold Digger!”

Thursday, September 10

• Vampire Diaries (CW)
• Supernatural (CW)

If you go to the CW’s site and read the synopsis for Vampire Diaries, you’ll get a headache. Whoever wrote that sucks. It’s pretty much about two fine ass vampire brothers who move to a town and have all the little high school girls atwitter. You know after the big Twilight buzz last year, this show was inevitable. It is also based on a series of vampire books.

Monday, September 14th

• One Tree Hill (CW)
• Gossip Girl (CW)

Thursday, September 17th

• Survivor (CBS)
• Bones (FOX)
• Fringe (FOX)
• The Office (NBC)
• It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (FX)

Monday, September 21st

• Dancing with the Stars (ABC)
• House (FOX)
• How I Met Your Mother (CBS)
• Heroes (NBC)
• Big Bang Theory (CBS)
• CSI: Miami (CBS)
• Accidentally on Purpose (CBS)
• Two and a Half Men (CBS)

Tuesday, September 22

• NCIS (CBS)
• NCIS: Los Angeles (CBS)
• The Good Wife (CBS)
• The Forgotten (ABC)

I’m checking out both The Good Wife and The Forgotten.  I’m curious to see this “wife of a cheating politician” storyline played out though I understand it’s not completely what TGW is about, and after NBC canceled My Own Worst Enemy, I want to see Christian Slater on the small screen again.

And yes, L.L. was enough to make add NCIS: Los Angeles to my list.

Wednesday, September 23

• The New Adventures of Old Christine (CBS)
• Mercy (NBC)
• Criminal Minds (CBS)
• Law and Order: SVU (NBC)
• Cougar Town (ABC)
• CSI: NY (CBS)
• Eastwick (ABC)

It seems that any movie that made even a $10 profit will eventually be made into a television show. This year, we get Eastwick – a remake of The Witches of Eastwick starring Jack Nicholson, Michelle Pfieffer, Cher, and Susan Sarandon.

Each fall, Donny and I try to predict which of the new shows will have the dubious honor of being canceled first. Donny correctly picked FOX’s Do Not Disturb (I know. Google it.) last year. This year, I think I’m gonna put my money on Eastwick. Even though it made my TiVo list.

I’m super excited for the return of Criminal Minds as one of the key players was found themselves staring down the barrel of a gun as the finale faded to black last spring. Do not watch clip below if you haven’t seen the finale yet.

Thursday, September 24

• Flash Forward (ABC)
• CSI (CBS)
• Grey’s Anatomy (ABC)
• The Mentalist (CBS)

Every since the success of Lost, each season, ABC tries to find another supernatural drama to catch on. Invasion, Daybreak, The Nine… none of them do. This year’s attempt looks promising. For a few moments, everyone in the world blacks out at the same time. Even more mysterious than why it happened, is what happened while they were out – they saw six months into their futures.

I am dying (no pun intended) to see Grey’s Anatomy’s premiere. How I could I not be? The finale was awesome. Even though in this day and age it’s impossible to keep casting secrets, I’m still going to cry my eyes out once George dies. *sob*

Friday, September 25

• Ghost Whisperer (CBS)
• Smallville (CW)
• Law and Order (NBC)
• Medium (CBS)
• Dollhouse (FOX)

I am quite pleased that after NBC canceled Medium, CBS had the good sense to pick it up. Not only have they been airing episodes this summer to give new viewers a chance to get to know the show, but they’re also starting it in the fall with a full 22-episode run. Something that NBC never did. What do you expect from the network giving up on 10pm dramas to air the unfunny Jay Leno five nights a week in their stead?

Sunday, September 27

• The Amazing Race (CBS)
• Family Guy (FOX)
• The Cleveland Show
• Desperate Housewives (ABC)
• Dexter (SHO)
• Cold Case (CBS)
• Californication (SHO)
• Brothers & Sisters (ABC)

We’re most excited about Dexter and The Amazing Race in this house. Donny already has his couple picked to win TAR; the interracial couple. Here’s a sneak peek at Dexter season 4:

Monday, September 28

• Trauma (NBC)
• Lie to Me (FOX)

Shows Starting in October:

• Ugly Betty (ABC)
• Southland (NBC)
• Private Practice (ABC)
• Stargate Universe
• 30 Rock

Shows Starting Later:

• V
• 24
• Lost

Here is my Three Tivo Fall Schedule:

Sundays

8pm – The Amazing Race

9pm – Desperate Housewives, Dexter

10pm – Cold Case

Monday

8pm – Heroes

9pm – Trauma

Tuesday

8pm – So You Think You Can Dance

9pm – NCIS: Los Angeles, Melrose Place

10pm – The Good Wife, The Forgotten

Wednesday

8pm – So You Think You Can Dance

9pm – Criminal Minds, Glee, Law and Order: SVU

10pm – Eastwick

Thursday

8pm – Survivor, Flash Forward, Vampire Diaries

9pm – Grey’s Anatomy, Supernatural, CSI, Bones

10pm – Private Practice, The Mentalist

Friday

8pm – Smallville

9pm – Ugly Betty, Southland, Medium

So, what shows are you most looking forward to? Also, I have quite a few empty slots. What should I be watching that I’m not? What’s your favorite returning show and what show are you going to miss that didn’t get pick up this year?

Big Brother 11 – “Welcome to the Party”

The pity party!!!

Previously on Big Brother: Chima targeted Russell during her HOH reign. The house didn’t know that America awarded Jeff with the Coup D’etat power. At last week’s elimination, Jeff used the power to remove both Lydia and Russell from the block and nominated Natalie and Jessie. Jessie was evicted. Michelle won the next HOH competition.

And now…

Flash back to Jeff standing up to reveal he was the coup d’etat winner. Jordan’s jaw literally hit the floor. Kevin clutched his pearls. Chima looks like a house just fell on her sister.

As everyone votes one by one, Chima berates Jeff for using the power. Even Jessie acknowledges it was a smart move, but logic goes on deaf and dumb ears. Jeff explains that Jessie and Natalie were ruling the house and no one was putting them up. Jessie whispers, “It’s not like that.”

Brother, it was EXACTLY like that!

As we see Jessie’s eviction, Chima and Natalie cry in the diary room. Like, actual tears. These bitches are crazy. On  his way out, Jessie stiff-arms Kevin.

Lydia cries that Jessie didn’t get in her head, he got in her heart. And you got in his pants, Skanky. Before the HOH Chima and Natalie still bitch that Jeff had the nerve to do something that benefited him in the game.

Michelle wins HOH. She’s so weird.

Russell is shitting bricks because he has berated Michelle in the past. Everyone admits that they have no idea where her head is at in the game.

Jeff points out to Jordan, Michelle, and Russell that whether they will admit it or not, he opened the door for everyone to get the money because no one was willing to nominate/go against Jessie. True dat.

In the red room, Chima and Natalie realize they have to really push Michelle to nominate Russell.

Everyone goes up to see Michelle’s HOH room. It’s as exciting as she is. Moving on…

Outside, Russell tells Jeff that if they are on the block and he wins POV, he’ll use it to take Jeff off. Russell is so full of shit. In the HOH room, Russell kisses Michelle’s ass so she won’t nominate him. He apologizes for yelling at her and calling her crazy. They hug it out.

Big Brother gives them Chinese food on eviction night. Jordan and Russell eat outside with Jeff who can’t eat because he’s on slop. Meanwhile, Natalie, Chima, and Lydia toast to Jessie.

In what has to go down (no pun intended) as one of the most poorly-worded toasts ever, Lydia, the girl who went down on Jessie numerous times says, “We only got a taste of him…”

*GAG*

Then, the three Bitches of Eastwick proceed to cry over the fact that Jessie was evicted. This is made even funnier by the cuts to Kevin’s diary room where he rightfully points out that Jessie nominated Chima, voted to evict Lydia, and then stiff-armed him for keeping Natalie in the game.

The next morning, Michelle admits to Jordan, Jeff, and Russell that she’s thinking of putting Chima up. Russell and Jeff damn near dance a jig in excitement.

During the Have/Have Not competition, Chima continues to act like a twat.

Then we get a super stupid segment on Lydia’s stuffed unicorn, Dae Yum Yum. That bitch is crazy.

Outside, Russell asks Jordan if she likes Jeff and if she’d date him outside the house.  She also points out that she’s also 22 and not sure of what she wants. Jeff asks Jordan if she wants to get married, and she says yes. She demands a square-cut diamond. He says he’ll get her diamond grills instead. Then he says she’ll be happy with whatever he gets her and then I swoon because he’s hot when he’s forceful and shit.

Natalie asks Michelle where her head is at. She hints that she won’t be putting Russell on the block. Natalie leaves and Chima comes in. Michelle warns her that she won’t like the nominations. Chima doesn’t like it, but you can tell she’s still trying to play nice still because she doesn’t want to get nominated. She warns Michelle that if she doesn’t put Russell up, he’s gonna come after Michelle.

Oh, America gets to vote for more Have Not food. Please God, let churros and chitlins win. That would be awesome.

Nomination time!

Michelle nominates Chima and Natalie. Bwahahahahaha! I love it.

DO NOT READ FURTHER IF YOU DON’T WANT SPOILERS:

By now you all know that Chima went all psycho-bitch and left the Big Brother house. How does this affect the jury vote and this week’s Double Eviction? Tune in tomorrow night and Thursday to find out!

True Blood – S2E8 “Timebomb”

Previously on True Blood: Andy walks in on a Maryann zombie orgy and Sam escapes from it. Sookie realizes that Hugo was the vampire traitor and Steve Newlin realizes that Sookie is Jason’s sister. Hoyt and Jessica have sex. Possessed, Eggs kills Daphne for Maryann. Barry delivers Sookie’s message to Bill, who is being held by Lorena. Eric rushes to Jesus Camp and Lorena grips up Barry. Sarah shoots Jason. Godric saves Sookie from being raped.

And now…

Zeke pleads with Godric not to kill him, “Godric, it’s me.” But Godric snaps his neck anyway. Eric arrives and bows before his maker. Godric says that Eric shouldn’t have sent the humans for him. As alarms go off, Godric orders Eric and Sookie to leave and forbids Eric from killing anyone on his way out.

Godric is a party pooper!

Jason realizes that he’s not dead and thinks he’s been spared by God. Sarah points out that it’s a paintball gun. She feels betrayed. She let him into her bed and he paid her back by being a traitor. Technically, he wasn’t in her bed, per se. She shoots him in the junk with the gun. Sarah informs Jason that they have Sookie. She calls them both vampire fuckers. Jason goes a bit white boy crazy on her ass for dissin’ his sis. He takes the gun, and her jeep, and leaves.

Jesus Camp is on lockdown! The church is being evacuated. Sookie wants to know where Bill is, Eric stalls. Sookie figures out that Godric is Eric’s maker. Eric uses the perfect little Jesus Camp I’m a Little Wanker accent to pose as a member of the church in order to get by some guards. He starts to glamour one as another gets suspicious. Sookie warns him and Eric beats some ass. Sookie stops him from killing one. They search for an exit but are surrounded by a bunch of Jesus Campers. They look suspiciously like tea-bagging, ultra-Conservative, fringe birthers at a Healthcare Reform town hall meeting. Complete with crosses and weapons!

Eric assures Sookie he’ll be fine and is willing to take Godric’s place.

Lorena wants to eat Barry, and even though he is obviously weak, Bill refuses. What a pussy. I wonder if I’ll like Sookie more when she hooks up with Eric. Oh, you know it’s coming! Lorena bites into Barry and realizes his blood tastes different. While she’s distracted, Bill knocks her out with a flat-screen TV. He grabs Barry and runs out. Bill then rushes in on Hoyt and Jessica having sex.

“I don’t know what you heard, but those were cries of pleasure!,” Hoyt says proudly.

Bill tells him that if he truly cares for Jessica, he’ll drive her back to Bon Temps before the sun rises.

At Merlotte’s, Lafayette reads Tara’s tarot cards. He says she’ll have to make a choice soon. He’s about to read her future when Eggs rushes in needing her help. Lafayette leaves to clean up and Eggs admits that he’s lost a few hours. He blacked out and doesn’t remember anything after dropping Tara off at work and driving off. Tara asks Lafayette to close up alone – he’s been eavesdropping.

Jason arrives at the church and convinces the guards outside to let him in. When one realizes Jason has a paintball gun, Jason has to knock his ass out.

Sam is asleep in his car when he gets a call on his cell. The call is coming for his bar, but no one answers. Of course, he heads over there! He finds Daphne, sans heart, in the freezer. He starts to wrap her up in garbage bags, but decides to call 911. As the call is connected, the cops show up at Merlotte’s.

At Sookie’s house, Maryann cooks Daphne’s heart.

At the church, Eric is tied up in silver chains and offers himself up once again for Godric and Sookie’s release.

Steve considers tying Sookie up to Eric so they can roast together. Bill rushes in and demands Sookie be let go. Steve holds a gun on Sookie. From the balcony, Jason shoots Steve in the hand and then forehead with the paint gun. Bill uses that time to grab Sookie, but she pushes off to let Eric loose. Eric grips up Steve, but Sookie yells for him not to kill the minister while Jason yells, “Kill him! Kill the motherfucker!”

Steve says that they are all willing to be martyred before God. He’s about to get his wish. Stan and some other redneck vampires show up. Stan says that they will kill them all just like they killed Steve’s father.

The vampires move like the lightning and grab members of the church while Eric watches, with his sexy ass. Godric shows up and orders the vampires to stop. He says the members of the church didn’t harm him. Again with the party pooping!  He offers Steve a truce, but Steve is a little bitchass. Steve tells Eric to kill him, Jesus will protect him.

Godric is all, “I’m older than Jesus. Wish I coulda rolled with him, but I missed it.” Godric asks the Jesus Campers who is willing to die for Steve. If they could, I’m sure they all would have taken two big ass steps backwards, but it’s hard to move when you’re gripped up by vamps. Godric sends them all home. The vampires are all disappointed they won’t be eating. Eric asks Sookie if she’s okay, and Bill is all, “I got this.”

Jason apologizes for letting the church brainwash him. Steve jumps in and says they will see who goes to heaven and who goes to hell. Jason says he’s already been to heaven… inside Steve’s wife! He punches Steve and tosses him the honesty ring. Bill pulls Jason back as Jason taunts Steve with, “White suit motherfucker!”

At Merlotte’s, Sam defends himself to the Sheriff Bud and Kenya – an anonymous tip called in the body in his freezer. Sam says he’s being set up. The sheriff points out that Sam has no past on paper and that his whole life is suspicious. Andy staggers in and Kenya wants to throw him out. Andy tells Bud and Kenya about he orgy when they tried to kill Sam.

“The bull… with claws. A bull. In a dress. With claws.”

Funniest line of the night.

Andy wants Sam to back him up, but he knows they won’t believe him.

At Sookie’s house, Tara tries to comfort Eggs who is freaked out by his blackout. Maryann calls them into the dining room for a snack she has prepared for them: Hunter’s Souffle. Main ingredient? Daphne’s heart. As Tara cuts into it, blood spills all over the plate. Tara and Eggs don’t seem to notice as they dig in and moan over how good it is. Maryann watches and smiles.

Back in Dallas, at a really nice house (Godric’s?), all the vamps welcome Godric home. Godric expresses his gratitude to Jason and tells him he’s welcome in their territory any time he wants. Eric approaches Jason after and tells him that back home Jason is known as a vampire blood user and dealer. Jason swears he’s done with that. Eric says his good deeds that night will erase what he did before, but he better not get caught doing it again. Jason pisses his nut-hugger jeans and promises he won’t.

Sookie wants to know why Bill didn’t come rescue her. He says he was held against his will. Before he can go into specifics Eric walks up and Sookie blasts him for letting her walk into a trap just to save his maker. He explains that the bond between a maker and his vamp is stong. Bill doesn’t like where the convo is going.

Back in Bon Temps, Hoyt and Jessica arrive at Bill’s house. Jessica wants to have sex again, but stops when she realizes that her vampire healing abilities apply to her hymen as well. She’s a virgin all over again. She cries and runs upstairs.

Bill warns Eric to stay away from Sookie. Isabel comes in with Hugo who is all jacked up from his ass-whupping by Zeke. Godric spares Hugo’s life and tells him that he is no longer safe in their territory. Once again, Bill is about to tell Sookie about Lorena, but Jason shows up wanting to talk to Bill alone.

Sheriff Bud and Kenya put Sam in a cell. The medical examiner is also in jail with some other townfolk. He’s accused of sodomizing a tree. Damn! Maryann has some serious mojo.

Jason apologizes for the way he had regarded Bill and his relationship with Sookie. Bill accepts his apology and they share an awkward hug. Inside, Eric tends to Godric who says that he was treated kindly by the church. He points out that after thousands of years in existence, vampires have not evolved. Godric says they need to find a way to live with the humans in the church. Eric looks like he ain’t tryna hear that shit.

At Sookie’s, Eggs and Tara are full off of the heart stew. They giggle and marvel at how good they feel. They start smacking each other around and then have sex on the floor. Maryann listens and smiles in the other room.

A mystery person exits a car and makes their way into the vampire party house.

Lorena arrives at the party and zeroes in on Sookie. Bill shows up and Lorena lets it out that they spent two nights together in the hotel room. When Lorena starts to touch Bill, Sookie smacks her hand away. Sookie provokes Lorena and wont listen when Bill tells her to stop.

“Go find someone else you fucking bitch! You’ve lost this one!”

Lorena vamps out and is about to light Sookie’s ass up when Godric grips up Lorena and orders her to stop and then leave.

GODRIC IS A PARTY POOPER!!

Lorena cries as Bill escorts her out of the house. He informs her they will not be seeing each other again. I feel bad for her.

The mystery person enters the house and it’s Luke. You know, the Lukinator. Jason wants to know what he’s doing there, but he orders Jason to stay away from him. He addresses the room, introduces himself as a member of Jesus Camp, says he has a message from Steve Newlin, and then reveals the explosives and ammo chained to his chest. He goes to press the detonator.

The end.

OK, a few things.

1. Did Godric go w/ the Fellowship of the Sun willingly? Eric theorized last week that a vampire as old and strong as Godric couldn’t have been taken so easily by humans.

2. Where the hell was he? When Sookie was calling for him when they were first thrown in the basement, he didn’t answer. Granted, it was daytime. But when he showed up to rescue her from Zeke, he did so quite easily. Where was he being held that he could so easily get out and enter the cage?

3. Why did Zeke say, “Godric, it’s me,” like they were friends?

4. If Godric is so anti-violence against humans, why did he kill Zeke? Why not just knock him out so that Sookie and Eric could escape?

5. If Steve did send Luke, how the frak did they know where to find all the vamps?!!

I smell a rat.

True Blood airs Sunday night at 9pm on HBO

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