The Amazing Race 14: Recaps To Finale

Previously on The Amazing Race – Our Parents Will Cry Themselves to Death”: Luke made a bitchass move and pushed one of the sistahs so she called him a bitch. He didn’t hear it, but his Mama told him and then it was on! At the pit stop, Margie lost her shit when she thought Kisha was laughing at Luke because he’s deaf. Oh, and the shorty-do-wops were eliminated. Finally!

Previously on The Amazing Race- “Having a Baby’s Gotta Be Easier Than This”: The teams get foot massages from hell in China and Jen provides this season’s reality show stereotype – black folks can’t swim. The episode ends with a cliffhanger as the first team to the pit stop finds out that the leg of the race is still going.

Previously on The Amazing Race – “He Made Me Look Like Alice Cooper”: The race continues. The teams have to eat gross stuff like fried starfish. I just studied starfish anatomy in biology and I know what their gonads look like. I wouldn’t have eaten it. Just sayin’. Victor and Tammy use the final U-Turn on Kisha and Jen… but that doesn’t cause them to lose the race. Jen stopping to pee when she knew there was another team behind them is what cost them the race. I want to kick her in the teeth.

For one million bucks you PISS YOUR PANTS!

My two picks to win are out. Donny’s pick, Tammy and Victor, are still in. The finale is up next.

The final three teams fly to Hawaii where they have to season, carry, and then prep a pig for a luau. Tammy struggles carrying the pig. I never understand people that can’t suck it up doing the painful things. Maybe it’s because I’ve been through labor twice. Maybe it’s because I really like money. Either way, I want to drop-kick Tammy into the ocean every time she drops the pig and cries.

Margie and Luke finish first and take off for their next clue… on a water scooter… bike… thingie. Then they race to a highway with a fence made of surfboard. One team member has to put the surfboards in order of tasks they completed/places they visited. Luke starts off doing it really well as he’s been prepping for it the entire game.

Jaime and Cara get lost… again. Their cabbie gets on the phone to ask for help. Tammy and Victor get stuck behind a slow car. Meanwhile, Luke is flying through the surfboards. The person the cabbie called for help is on speakerphone and doesn’t appreciate Jaime’s nasty attitude. She, finally, puts her in her damn place! Leave it to an American to tell that bitch where to go.

Luke has a great head start, but the other two teams catch up. He can’t figure out the last two boards, Jaime can’t figure out the first, Victor smokes them all. Tammy and Victor leave for the finish line and the remaining two teams work together to finish the puzzle.

Tammy and Victor win! And even though Donny will never shut up about predicting the winners from episode one, I am happy they won because I hated those remaining two teams.

The Amazing Race 14: “Rooting Around in People’s Mouths Could Be Unpleasant”

Previously on The Amazing Race: In Thailand the teams let elephants crouch over them because they’re crazy. The tiny stuntmen had two penalties for being sneaky and stupid. Margie fainted just to swoon in Phil’s sexy arms, and one of the redheads was a bitch. The father/son team were eliminated from the race.

And now…

Teams have to fly to Bangkok. Victor and Tammy leave first. Jaime and Cara are next. They insult cabbies. Mark and Michael are next. The sistahs leave last. Or maybe Margie and Luke are last. I forget.

Once in Bangkok, Kisha and Jen get a cab driver that has no idea where he’s going. They lose time because of it. For some reason, Mark and Michael’s cabbie has a pink steering wheel.

Roadblock! – Teams have to secure a propeller to a boat. Sounds easy, but it’s not.

Margie and Luke start first and Jamie and Cara are next. Margie does it quickly. (Maybe it is easy) She and Luke leave to navigate their boat through the Bangkok canals. Tammy and Victor and the shorty-do-wops arrive next. Kisha and Jen are nowhere to be found.

Jamie is rude to more people. When she and Cara realize that the boat ride isn’t a return one, they turn around, run to their cabbie to pay and get their bags. They take off on the boat again. The shorties leave w/o going back for their bags.

Kisha and Jen arrive and leave before Tammy and Victor. They leave their bags and shoes behind. Victor was cleared to go, but the propeller doesn’t work. They have to go back. He tightens it and they’re off again. They are smart enough to have their driver stop for their belongings first. Margie and Luke are in first place.

Jen is salty at Kisha for leaving their fanny packs, but Kisha assumes they’ll make their way back there eventually.

Detour – either search through dentures for five patients (GROSS!) or sing along in a karoake taxi and run the risk of hitting Bangkok traffic.

Margie and Luke choose the teeth. Jaime and Cara choose karoake. Kisha is walking around Bangkok barefoot. (GROSS!) Tammy and Victor choose karoake.

Margie and Luke do the nasty ass teeth mission. They stick dentures in people’s mouths and I resist the urge to vomit.

Mark and Michael argue about whether or not that they should go for their bags.

Kisha and Jen and Jaime and Cara start the karaoke task at the same time. Tammy and Victor start it too. Tammy calls their cab mates, “Mai Tai Trannies.”

Margie and Luke are going through the teeth challenge quickly. The tiny guys are still arguing even after they get a cabbie to take them back to their bags.  Margie and Luke finish and are in first place. Tammy, Victor, Jaime, Cara, Kisha, and Jen continue to rock out with the trannies’ cocks out.

Margie and Luke come in first place. Kisha and Jen cannot go to the pit stop because they don’t have their bags or money. Mark and Michael make it back to their stuff and then have to head back to the detour. Kisha and Jen convince a cabbie to take them to the pit stop for free.

Kisha and Jen are third, and Tammy and Victor are fourth. Phil won’t check the sistahs in until they go get their travel documents. Duh! They have to go back and I swear it looks like they’re about to cry.

The tiny stuntmen finally arrive at the karoake detour and have to give the cabbie crap from their bags in order to pay for the fare because they’re short…. AND they don’t have enough money. *snort*

In the cab, they comment that the girls are pretty. I don’t think they know that they’re trannies. One comments that they’re in the entertainement business so they know how to show girls a good time. LMAO!

The stuntmen arrive fourth, but can’t be checked in because they broke a rule TWICE by using their personal items to settle a bill. The total penalty time is four hours!

Kisha and Jen are fourth.

Mark and Michael are last, BUT it’s a non-elimination leg. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

The remaining three hours for their penalty is tacked on to delay their start time AND they have to perform a Speed Bump in the next leg that no one else has to.

One remarks, “We knew we messed up, but we thought it more important to take care of the people. We didn’t want to incur bad karma in the land of Buddha.”

Phil gives him a look that says, “Nigga, please.”

The Amazing Race 14: Gorilla? Gorilla? Gorilla?

Previously on The Amazing Race: A whole bunch of stuff I didn’t see because I only half paid attention thinking it was TiVo’ing upstairs. It wasn’t. I see Christie and Jodi were eliminated.

And now…

The teams start off in northwestern India.

Tammy and Victor leave first at 10:21a.m. They’re flying to Thailand. Using only a picture for a reference, they have to find a gorilla statue. Tammy has been to Thailand before, but with her parents and they kept her on lockdown.

Mel and Mike leave next. The only Thai the dad knows is Mai Tai. *rim shot*

They’re going to Phuket, and I giggle pronouncing it Fuck-It. Don’t judge me!

The redhead cheerleaders, Jaime and Cara, are so obnxious. One doesn’t like foreign languages, she doesn’t like noise… ugh. Every season they cast two pretty, pageant-like, white girls that just don’t respect other cultures. It’s annoying.

The black girls get jumped by some Indian kids who are starving and want money. That’s just sad.

All teams end up on the same flight to Phuket, Thailand.

One of the redheads is condescending in Thailand too. “Do you know what a race is, cab driver?”

All the teams jump out of their cabs and assault the locals with their gorilla picture. “Gorilla? Gorilla? Gorilla?” Once they find out it’s at the zoo, they’re off.

Jaime and Cara get there first and find out that their first task is to take a picture with a tiger.

Mel and Mike, for some stupid ass reason, are going to the beach.

The tiger handler has one arm. I shit you not. One. Arm. Not a good sign.

Kisha and Jen reason that if the tiger didn’t eat the two midget stuntmen, then they’d be alright. Kisha says that they are each about the size of the trainer’s missing arm. LMAO!

Next task is to lay on the ground and let an elephant walk over you and then squat.

My ass would be sooo eliminated.

Mark and Michael, tiny stuntmen, are in first place. They head to the next task where they have to ask the owner of an herb shop to open one of 99 herb drawers until they find a clue.

Mel and Mike finally decide to ask for help finding the gorilla statue, but no one knows where it is. Why they didn’t just stop when everyone else did is beyond me.

At the herb shop, Jaime and Cara yell at the owner. They are annoyed because he doesn’t speak English. Bitches, you’re in Thailand. He’s not obligated to speak your language.

Mark and Michael, the tiny tots, get their clue first and face a Detour. They have to choose between 100 barrels or 2 miles. In barrels, they have to prepare a fishing ship for ten days at sea. They will fill 47 barrels with drinking water to last the trip, and then move the remaining barrels to the roof. In 2 miles, they have to navigate a rickshaw (sp) through the streets for 2 miles. They choose the rickshaw.

Mel and Mike FINALLY find the zoo and complete the tasks.

Jaime and Cara are still at the herb shop. Other teams have come and gone. Good for them. After yelling some more, they finally pick a drawer with a clue. Damnit. I wanted them to be there all night.

Mel and Mike are at the herb shop, and having such a good time picking the empty drawers. I like them.

Shorty Stuntmen pump the tires of their rickshaw and then pile all the other pumps and tools into a crate to make it harder for the other teams. Never trust a midget! They have a cabbie lead them to the end of the detour and they follow in the rickshaw.

Tammy and Victor take off without filling their tires because they don’t see the equipment in the crate. Hahahaha. Other teams do the same thing.

Shorty Do-Wops make it to the pit stop first. BUT they incur two 30-minute penalties. One for hiding the pumps and another for hiring a cabbie to lead them to pit stop. They sit out their penalty under a tree and look just like Keebler Elves.

Margie and Luke struggle with the rickshaw challenge because he can’t hear her. Mel and Mike work through the barrel challenge.

Tammy and Victor arrive before the little dudes’ penalty is up and they win a trip. Jaime and Cara are team number 2. The shrimpy shrimp shrimps are hatin’.

Margie and Luke make it to the pit stop and it’s so obvious Margie is struggling. Yet, Phil still does the dramatic pause thing before telling them they are team number 4.

They celebrate, and then Margie faints. Phil is so great taking care of her and whispering to her to breathe. *sigh*

Kisha and Jen finish the barrel challenge before Mel and Mike and head for the pit stop. BUT their cab driver drops them off at the wrong place and Mel and Mike finish and jump in a cab.

Kisha and Jen get in a cab that doesn’t seem to be moving. But they still make it before Mel and Mike. Mel and Mike are eliminated. Going to the beach screwed them.

The Amazing Race 14: It Was Like a Caravan of Idiots & She’s a Little Scared of Stick, But I Think She’ll Be OK!

“It Was Like a Caravan of Idiots”

Previously on The Amazing Race, which I missed ’cause a sprinkle of snow caused by DirecTV to go out: Nine teams raised to Romania. Brad and Victoria took a gamble with flights and screwed themselves. Mel and Mike come in first. Victor led Tammy astray and she finally spoke out. Brad and Victoria were eliminated.

And now…

The teams leave from Romania. Mel and Mike leave first at 10:49pm. They have to fly to Siberia and then travel by taxi to the location on the back of a 10 ruble note.

The two tiny stuntmen ask their cab driver for his cell phone and he gives it to them, but not before dialing the cab driver of the Jaime and Cara (the cheerleaders.) He gives the phone to them and they pretend to be the airlines and tell them there are no flights… then hang up. It’s deliciously evil and funny.

All the teams take various flights to Moscow, but some teams miss the connecting flight to Siberia.

Mike and Mark (tiny stuntmen) and Kisha and Jen (sistahs) are in first and second place respectively. The flight attendants are third. They have to choose between two Detours. 1. Stack wood or 2. Build shutters and then install them on a house.

They all choose Stack.

One of the sistahs keeps saying things like, “This is a lot of wood,” and, “give me wood,” and, “that’s big wood.”

The locals just laugh and drink and stare. As usual.

The stuntmen knock down the model stack of wood and have to restack THAT as well. Sucks to be them. They give up and go to the other task.

The other teams finally arrive.

The stuntmen go in search of the house that needs the shutters BEFORE putting them together.

Kisha and Jen finish stacking first and head off to the first U-Turn. But the U-Turn has a twist, when you choose to have another team turn around and do the Detour they didn’t attempt, you no longer have to leave your picture labeling yourself the perpetrator. Kisha and Jen don’t use it and neither do the blonde flight attendants.

All the other teams choose to Stack.

Kisha and Jen reach the Road Block. One team member rides a bobsled- rollercoaster looking for seven letters along the way. After the ride, they have to unscramble the letters to spell out the name of a Russian playwright. They have to complete the ride in four minutes or less.

Kisha goes through and only gets 6 letters. She has to do the ride again.

The tiny stuntmen are still looking for the house.

The blondes get all the letters in exactly four minutes, but can’t unscramble the name.

The remaining teams stacking all knock over their wood piles, but only the cheerleaders decide to stick it out. Mel and Mike and Amanda and Kris head for the shutters.

Margie and Luke U-Turn Amanda and Kris. That’s messed up.

Victor and Tammy don’t knock over their wood pile, and he chalks it up to Asian engineering.

Kisha and Jen finally guess Chekhov and head for pit stop.

The flight attendants finally get it too.

Amanda and Kris, Mel and Mike, and the tiny stuntmen are all trying to build the shutters.

The flight attendants (Christie and Jodi) beat Kisha and Jen to the pit stop and win motorcycles for coming in first.

At the bobsled, Victor said he had no problem coming up with Chekhov because, “Who doesn’t know Chekhov?”

Um, everyone that came before you, that’s who.

Aaaand those that came after you, too. Luke has a hard time coming up with the name.

The cheerleaders finally finish the wood pile.

The three shutters teams wander the streets looking for the house looking like “a caravan of idiots.” They are literally a few feet from the house and don’t see it. FINALLY, they find it.

When the cheerleaders are trying to decide who should do the bobsled one says, “I’m a good reader.”

Um, you’re a grown ass woman. I hope you’re a good reader!

Amanda and Kris are bummed to find they were U-Turned and have to do the wood pile anyway. I feel bad for them.

As they make their way to the bob sled, after completing the wood pile, they speculate that it was either Kisha and Jen or the blondes who U-Turned them. They are sure that Margie and Luke feel bad for them. Little do they know…

The tiny stuntmen are at the pit stop, but don’t have enough money to pay the cabbie. They offer up a watch, but the cabbie is rolling with a Rolex. LMAO! He finally accepts the money that they have.

Amanda and Kris are eliminated and it sucks.

“She’s a Little Scared of Stick, But I Think She’ll Be OK!”

Previously on The Amazing Race: Luke and Margie blind U-Turn Amanda and Kris. The blonde flight attendants come in first. The tiny stuntmen have a rough go.

And now…

Seven teams remain. Christie and Jodi depart at 12:43 p.m. They have to ride the Transiberian Railway. Kisha and Jen leave second, but it doesn’t matter because the next train leaves at 10:26pm. All teams will be on the same train.

The next morning, on the train, Luke and Margie admit to Mike that they U-Turned Kris and Amanda. Hee-hee. Luke signs that the big, strong guy had to go.

Jaime and Cara are annoyed that their cab driver is smoking. Dude, he’s Russian, leave him alone.

Detour: Russian Bride or Russian Snow Plow. In the first, they have to find a bride and drive her to a church to take a pic with the groom. In the other, they drive a snow plow through a course.

Margie and Luke were following Victor and Tammy and the cheerleaders were following them. When they all stop for directions, Victor finds the way first and takes off. When they stop again, he does the same thing.

Mel and Mike do Russian Bride because they’d rather party with virgin brides than snow plows.

When Tammy and Victor, Margie and Luke, and Cara and Jaime arrive at the snow plows, there’s lots of confusion. Margie yells at Luke. Dude, he can’t hear you.

The blonde flight attendants stop for directions and come across a bunch of drunk Russians that purposely give them bad information. One of the blondes is felt up by a drunkard.

Mel and Mike complete their bridal task.

Kisha and Jen get their bride, but have issues driving a stick shift.

The blonde flight attendants take their bride to the wrong church.

Tammy and Victor and the cheerleaders finish the snow plow and hit the Roadblock. One teammate must strip down to their undies and run a mile with a professional runner.

Tammy, realizing she will be running in her panties, says, “I can never come to Russia again.”

Cara, one of the cheerleaders, looks great in her underwear. Even though they don’t match.

Kisha and Jen finally finish their bridal task and get directions to the next clue.

The blondes complete their bridal task and are in last place.

Luke runs through the streets in his drawers and it’s not pretty. He signs that he just kept looking down which is funny because I tried not to look down.

Luke and Margie are team number 1. They win a trip for two to St. Lucia.

Tammy and Victor are team number 2. Phil tries to keep his eyes up.

Mike runs in his underwear and boots.

Kisha and Jen break their car.

The tiny stuntmen almost walk right past the pit stop.

It’s awesome cause one of the blondes had on a thong, and she ran through Russia with her ass out.

Jen, one of the sistahs, ran in her undies, and her ass cheeks kept popping out.

The blondes are in last place, but not eliminated. They predict they’ll do better clawing their way up from the bottom. No pun intended.

The Amazing Race 14: “Your Target is Your Partner’s Face.”

Previously on Amazing Race: 11 couples started the race. The Virginia couple, Steve and Linda, argue because she’s too slow. The mother and son team, Margie and Luke, come in first and Preston and Jennifer are eliminated.

And now…

The teams start out from a small village in Switzerland (which is absolutely beautiful, by the way.) Margie and Luke leave at 2:56am. They have to fly to Munich, Germany.

Margie talks about how people have mistakenly called Luke retarded or stupid. Tammy and Victor leave second and use the cab driver’s cell phone to get flight information. Smart. In fact, most teams think to do this.

Steve says he is sorry for the way he treated Linda on the last leg. She’s all, “You know I don’t hold that against you.” So, she’s used to it.

Linda hopes that Germany involves a beer challenge. The cab driver shoots her a look that, to me, questions her priorities.

It seems like the first flight of the day is at 7:10am. All teams are on it except for Mike and Mark (stuntmen) and Jodi and Christie (flight attendants – they should have known better), they have to take the 8:45am flight.

Victor and Tammy reach the town first and take the first cable car up the mountain. The next team has to wait 15 minutes for the next one.

At the top is a road block. One team member must run down the mountain and jump, paragliding to the bottom, while the other rides the cable car back down. They get their next clue after that. If the wind conditions are unsafe, they can choose to wait till it improves, or take a 60 minute hike down the mountain to the clue.

The black girls are lost.

The wind is too strong and Tammy chooses to walk down the mountain before the other teams arrive.

Mel and Mike (gay father/son team) choose to wait because on the previous leg, Mel pulled his groin.  One by one, the other teams choose to run down the mountain leaving poor Mel to wait on the wind to change.

The black girls finally arrive.

Every team decides to run down the mountain and the whole time poor Mel is kicking himself. Well, he would if his groin was okay. But he’s being pretty down on himself.

Just as Mel says he won’t pray to God for the wind to change, ’cause God got better things to do, the wind changes! It’s a miracle!

Tammy and Victor are in first place as she reaches the bottom of the mountain, and they take off for the next town and the next clue. When they get there, it’s a Detour. They choose Austrian Follies; they have to toss pies into each others face until they find one with a cherry filling.

Tammy actually says….

They find a pie pretty quickly and now have to make their way to a woodcutter who will cut a piece of wood for them and stamp it with their next clue.  The clue directs them to drive to a town where they’ll find the pit stop.

Poor Linda is lost. She somehow got off the track and is just wandering near the freeway. Steve looks upset and she says, “Oh God. He’s gonna hate me now!” How does The Amazing Race pick such dysfunctional couples with these weak, whiny, women?

Linda cries on the side of the road and I resist the urge to toss my laptop at the flat screen.

Linda flags down a car and hitches a ride to the cable car station! Oh my God. I am so sure that’s against the rules. This oughta be great!

Tammy and Victor are the first team to check in and they each win a hybrid go-cart. They pretend to be happy about that.

In their victory interview, Tammy admits that she may not be happy with Victor always making the decisions and getting the last word, but she accepts it ’cause that’s the way it is. Where do they find these women?!

Amanda and Kris get to the next clue second (yes, that’s how far team one was ahead of everyone else) and choose Austrian Follies, or as Amanda called it, “Australian Follies.”

Linda gets dropped off and starts running like she didn’t just hitch a ride! They take their clue and head off.

Against Luke’s wishes, he and Marge do the pies as well. He doesn’t know it, but I bet he’d be grateful not to hear the God-awful polka music.  After awhile he wants to switch, but Margie refuses.

The black girls are lost again.

In the car, Steve tells Linda not to stress about going the wrong way down the mountain. He tells her to just sit back and sit pretty while he drives. Um, yeah. In a moment of evilness and comedy, the there’s a split screen of Linda and a pie with a smiley face.

Mel and Mike arrive at the pit stop, but can’t figure out how to open the gate leading to the pit stop. After a few funny attempts, someone comes along and helps them. They are team number two. Luke and Margie are third.

The stuntmen and black girls finish the challenge of riding Sequeways through an obstacle course and get their pieces of wood.

When Steve and Linda arrive at the pie challenge and realize it’s hitting your partner in the face with pies, she says, “You can hit me!” Now, she’s begging for it. Thankfully, he corrects her that it’s back and forth.

The flight attendants, who finished the pie challenge as Steve and Linda arrived, can’t find the wood cutter. Steve and Linda finish with the pies and they’re still looking!  I have a feeling it’s not gonna matter what happens cause Steve and Linda will probably get a penalty because she took a ride.

The black girls are lost again.

There’s a tense moment when Linda tries to instruct Steve from the backseat and he grabs her hand as she points. She needs an intervention.

The stuntmen and black girls check in.

It’s down to a foot race between Christie and Jodi and Steve and Linda. The flight attendants win. Steve and Linda are last and eliminated from the race.  They both sob like babies and are covered in pie and it’s just really hard to watch.

The Amazing Race 14: Don’t Let a Cheese Hit Me

So, we’re meeting the couples and Donny and I are preparing to pick a couple we think will win. We decide that we’ll each pick two.

What I love/hate about TAR is that they seem to fill the same “type” each season.

I predict that this season Preston and Jennifer will be the white, good-looking couple, where the boyfriend is thisclose to being a wife-beater and she whines and takes it ’cause he only does it because he loves her so much and he’s super competitive.

Oh, look we have the former NFL cheerleaders. They fill the niche for white, perky, annoying, self-involved women who will inevitably go to a less fortunate country and make an inappropriate/racist remark.

I’m rooting for the black girls (Kisha and Jen) ’cause that’s how I roll and then after them, Mel and Mike, the gay father and son. I’ve long since believed there’s not much difference between a sassy black girl and a white gay man. They’re both fabulous.

Donny is rooting for Preston and Jennifer (blech) or the Asian couple, Tammy and Victor (sibling lawyers)

Ok, the teams are off to Zurich!

Donny just got me! The Virginia couple, Steve and Linda, are talking about being from the sticks and how people will underestimate them and I was typing so I wasn’t looking at the screen. Donny goes, “Do you see where it said under their names, ‘Cousins/Husband and Wife’”?

“No, it didn’t!!”

“Yeah, I’m kidding. You’re going to lose all of your Virginia readers.”

“I didn’t say it! You did!”

I love Margie and Luke, the Mom/deaf son team. They have a great relationship.

Ten minutes in and Preston has told Jennifer to “shut her mouth.” Did I call it or what?!

Crap my two teams are among the last to sign in at the Church in San Antonio. They get the next to last (Mike and Mel) and last (Kisha and Jen) departure times for the next morning. Too late to pick new teams, huh?

Teams are now off to the Verzasca Dam to find their next clue. Mark and Michael are in first place. They’re the tiny stuntmen. I think they’re little people, but Donny says they’re just really short. My bad.

One team member has to bungee jump from the dam; the second highest jump in the world. Screw.That. Donny really wants to go on this show, but I refuse. For reasons just like that. The tiny guys have an advantage. They’re stuntmen. They ain’t scared of shit.

Victor and Tammy are up first and Victor picked a fine time to realize he has a fear of heights, but he does the jump with no problem. Donny is proud. I tell him to shut up. Tammy and Victor are now off to Kleine Rugen Wiese in Interlacken to get their next clue as Donny beams.

One of the obligatory blondes (flight attendants), is having a moment. I think she may punk out.

The Virginia husband and wife are racing to be last to the jump against the black girls.

“You may wanna think about it. You know it can bounce back and break your neck, right?,” the husband asks them.

Hmmm, he may not want to be talking to the sistahs about hanging and ropes. Just sayin’.

Jodi, the flight attendant that was freaking out does the jump and survives. All that drama for nothing. She and her partner, Jen, are in sixth place.

All the other teams make their jumps with ease. They’re all off to take a train to Interlacken. The blondes take a train that leaves before the older married couple, Brad and Victoria and think they’re doing something. Brad and Victoria take the train that left later, but arrives first. Duh!

At Kleine Rugen Wiese, the teams have to collect 200lbs of cheese and carry it down a hill, but first they have to carry a rack up the hill which they will use to bring the cheese back down. I’m kinda confused, but Donny, who is literally eating a block of cheese with a knife as we watch, is in heaven.

Margie and Luke (mom and deaf son) are making their way down the hill while the locals are at the bottom of the hill drinking and watching. Luke gets a little too much momentum going as he trots down the hill and loses his cheese after falling on his ass. Donny and I crack the hell up! And the natives lose their shit.

Mel and Mike (gay dad and son) are making their way down… the dad, on his ass. This is pure comedy!

The flight attendants are salty because the married couple lied to them and said they were taking their train. Um, it’s a race! Man up!

Meanwhile, it’s a silent movie comedy as all the teams struggle down the hill. The locals are still laughing and have “stupid Americans” written all over their faces. Margie and Luke are the first team to finish and they must head to the town of Stechelberg for the pit stop. The last team to check-in, will be eliminated.

The Virginian couple, Steve and Linda are struggling and the husband still berates the wife for being slow. (He got on her earlier about it) You knew she was slow before you got there! Why you bring her on a race?

Amanda and Kris are getting their cheese put on their back when she whines, “Oh my God, this is my body weight, Kris!” Skinny bitch. It’s two wheels of cheese at 50lbs a piece.

Margie and Luke and Victor and Tammy arrive at the pit stop where they can hear the locals yodeling. Margie and Luke check-in first. Aww, I’m happy for them. Victor and Tammy are second. The midg.. I mean, stuntmen, are third. Everyone cries as Luke signs that deaf people can do anything that hearing people can do.

Preston and Jennifer are making their way down the cheese hill. He’s carrying 100lbs of cheese and she ain’t carrying shit.

“I’m so proud of you, baby. You can do it.”

“Just be quiet right now.”

Bastard. He falls on his ass, and I laugh.

Everyone assumes the guy from Virginia is a hick, but he has the best strategy. He straps 150lbs of the cheese on his board and slides it down while he wife scoots down with 50lbs. Gooo Team Virginia!

Mel and Mike (gay Dad and son) come in fourth.

Amanda and Kris (dating couple) are fifth.

The flight attendants are missing a wheel of cheese.

Jennifer, who is useless, tells Preston, “You are so strong and good for me.” Except when he’s talking to you like you’re trash, and then he isn’t.

Brad and Victoria (older married couple) come in sixth. Steve and Linda (Virginia couple) are there, but they can’t find the pit stop! Jaime and Cara (NFL cheerleaders) come in seventh. And the Virginia couple are still lost! Kisha and Jen (black sisters) come in eighth. FINALLY, Virginia couple, Steve and Linda, check in as team number nine. I wonder if Phil will tell them they should have been sixth.

It’s a foot race between the flight attendants and Preston and Jennifer. Preston has to carry Jennifer on his back because she’s still useless! The flight attendants, Christie and Jodi beat them! They’re in tenth place and Preston and Jennifer are eliminated!

Bwaahahahaha! One of Donny’s picks is out already. I rub it in his face.

“They looked like they could win.”

I think it was karma for Preston being a prick. In his exit interview he said, “She didn’t let me down. I hated her at times, but she didn’t let me down.” A class act till the end.

I called my Dad after it was over. We laughed and I asked who his picks to win were.

“I like the Asian chick.”

“Um, you’re supposed to be picking a team. Not someone you think is hot.”

“You watch for why you wanna watch, and I’ll watch for why I wanna watch.”

Perv.