Lost S6 Epi. 2 “What Kate Does”

I just wanna say that I already knew this episode would be slow and boring because I don’t give a crap what Kate does. Anyway, better late than never.

Previously on Lost: Sawyer and Juliet play house and then she dies. Sawyer blames Kate. Sayid dies, but not really. Everyone is all, “WTF?”

And now…

The translator dude tells Prince that Sayid is alive. Dun-dun-dun.

Sawyer is all, ‘It’s so unfair that the Iraqi torturer who shoots kids lives, but my honey dies and stays dead.” He wants to make a run for it.

At the airport, Kate hijacks Claire’s cab. The cabbie runs off at a light leaving Kate to drive with her handcuffs on. She takes Claire’s purse and leaves her on the side of the road without her suitcase. Alternate Reality Kate is a bad mamma jamma.

On the island, Hurley, Jack and Miles explain to Sayid that the others are protecting them at the temple. Also, there’s lots of marveling over the fact that Sayid’s wound is almost healed.

Prince shows up and he wants to speak to Sayid alone, but Jack ain’t havin’ it. In the scuffle that follows, Sawyer grabs a gun and tells them he’s leaving. Prince deals with the dirty feel on English on his tongue long enough to tell Sawyer that he has to stay and Sawyer is all, “I don’t have to do anything but be black and die.” Wait. What?

Kate offers to go after Sawyer ’cause she’s a master tracker. Jin offers to go for reasons unmentioned. I almost forgot he was there. Everyone is all, “What makes you think Sawyer will come back with you?” And Kate is all, “Look at me!”

In Los Angeles, Kate makes friends with a mechanic with a skewed moral compass and a need for $200. He removes her cuffs and gives her a place to change. She calls herself changing into Claire’s clothes… wait… did she think she was gonna wear maternity clothes? Anyway, she is surprised to find the suitcase filled with onesies and teddy bears. NOW she feels all sad? Did she not realize that the pregnant woman she put out on the side of the road might need the shit in her suitcase?! Kate sucks.

On the island, two of the Others prepare to go with Kate and Jin to find Sawyer. She and Jack share a goodbye and I try not to puke.

Prince tortures Sayid. Karma karma chameleon. At the end, they tell him he’s going to be okay… they’re lying.

Kate goes back to where she left Claire which is obviously so close to the airport you can hear the fucking planes taking off, but far enough that she felt comfortable enough to go back and not run into cops. Claire is, also miraculously, still there. kate offers to take Claire to where the adoptive parents live.

On the island, one of the Others (Aldo) tell Kate and Jin they are protecting them from the smoke monster. Aldo is super rude to Kate. Turns out, she knocked him out three years ago when she escaped from the Others back when Ben had his back surgery. Damn. He never heard of bygones. Kate does some badass knockout shit and escapes from him… again. Aldo sucks.

At the temple, Jack confronts Prince for torturing Sayid. He tells him that Sayid is infected and that Jack has to get him to take a pill. Jack is like, why didn’t you make him take it when you were torturing him? And Prince is like, first of all, we didn’t torture him, we diagnosed him and second, I don’t know him like that. He then taps into Jack’s “savior complex” and tells him he has to get Sayid to take the pill or else Sayid’s infection will spread.

Jack tells Hurley and Miles to scram (at least now Hurley has a “not now, the grown folks are talking” buddy) and tells Sayid about the pill. Sayid says he’ll take it if Jack tells him to ’cause you know, Jack’s advice so far has been spot on.

Kate tells Jin she’s going to catch up with Sawyer and he tells her he’s going to find his wife.

In Los Angeles, Claire shows up at the adoptive parents house and the wife is all, I’m not taking your baby because my husband left me and I can’t do it alone. And Kate is all, um, you coulda given a sistah a heads-up, a phone call, something! Claire goes into labor.

On the island, Kate finds Sawyer at his old house with Juliet. The Others camp is all jacked up because it’s present day and the smoke monster has been through there. Sawyer finds a box he had hidden an engagement ring in still in the floorboards from the 70’s. Awwww. Kate is all Nosy McNoserstein when Sawyer busts her. I kinda hoped he’d shoot her by accident.

In Los Angeles, Kate takes Claire to the emergency room. Her doctor is… Ethan!!! Dr. Ethan Goodspeed. He tells Claire she could have her baby today if she wanted, or he could stop the labor.Wow. Wish it were really that damn easy. Then the baby monitor loses his heartbeat and Claire almost has a … baby… but she calms down when they figure out that Aaron was just scooting his little ass around and they lost the heartbeat.

Back on the island, there’s some mushiness between Kate and Sawyer. She admits that she needs to find Claire and that she was hoping he could help her find her for Aaron. Sawyer blames himself for convincing Juliet to stay three years ago and now she’s dead.

I’m bored.

Jack goes to see Prince. Prince explains that he uses a translator because he keeps him separate from the people he’s in charge of. His name is something I can’t spell, so I’ma keep calling him Prince. He says he was brought to the island just like everyone else. He tells Jack that Sayid must take the pill, but he wont tell Jack what’s in it. Tell him for God’s sake! You only have 13 more hours left!

Jack swallows the pill and Prince hits him the throat and stomach till it comes out. Yeah, watching someone get hit in the throat never gets old. Prince finally admits it’s poison in the pill.

In Los Angeles, Claire covers for Kate when the cops come sniffing around. This part is so not believable. Claire says that Kate was just her cab driver, but I’m sure the real cabbie told the cops about Kate jackin’ his ride. Anyway, Claire gives Kate her credit card, and Kate, because she’s just triflin’ like that, takes it.

On the island, Sawyer goes back into his house and Kate leaves.

I’m still bored.

Prince can’t believe Jack swallowed the pill and gives him tea. I’m surprised that Jack drinks it, but then again, his throat must hurt. Prince tells Jack that they want to kill Sayid because they believe he has been “claimed.” There’s a darkness growing in Sayid and once it reaches his heart, everything he once was will be gone. Jack asks how Prince can be sure and he tells him,

“It happened to your sister.”

Ruh-roh.

Jin and his non-tracking ass gets snatched up by Aldo and Justin (the black Other.) Aldo wants to kill him, but Justin says they can’t because he’s “one of them.” Aldo says, “He may be one of them.” Very interesting for next week.

Anyway, someone shoots them before they can kill Jin. It’s Claire looking all bushwoman crazy a la Danielle!

Lost – S6, Epis. 1 & 2 “LA X (Parts 1&2)

Previously on Lost: Click here to read my recap of the 5th season’s finale.

And now…

First off, I can’t believe they showed a “previously on Lost” clip when they just spent the previous hour telling us what happened previously! Get on with it!

So Juliet hits the bomb with a rock and BAM!…

Jack’s on the plane and he and the stewardess that became a creepy brainwashed Other have the same conversation about his weak drink. Then Jack and Rose have the same conversation about Bernard in the bathroom and the plane gets all shaky and groany, but … nothing happens.

Bernard comes from the bathroom and he and Rose have a tender moment. Awww. I love Rose and Bernard and wish they were around more.

Jack goes to the bathroom and notices a bruise on his neck. He’s all WTF? And I’m all WTF? too.

When he comes back to his seat, Desmond is sitting in his row. Ruh-roh. That’s different. Jack feels like he knows Desmond, but doesn’t remember that he’s the jogger from before he fixed his wife or that he’s the guy in the hatch because in THIS reality, Jack never heard of no frakkin’ hatch. But I digress.

The plane flies on and below it, like WAY below it, like under the fucking ocean below it, is the island – the Dharma camp, the creepy four-toed foot statue, everything.

Damn.

So, now we’re back to when Jack drops the bomb. AGAIN! I feel like I’ve seen this scene like, fifty times already! OK, so I watched the finale about 50 times so that makes sense… don’t judge me.

Anyway, Juliet hits the bomb, things go white and silent and Kate wakes up, at night, in a tree with ringing in her ears. She’s all freaking out and I’m super annoyed by the ringing/underwater sound. This is not why I have surround sound, people!

She drops out of the tree and thankfully, her hearing returns, but I swear I can still hear the buzzing. Damn Lost. She starts wandering around the jungle and finds Miles. I love Miles.

They find wreckage and realize that it’s the Swan site AFTER Desmond blew it up which means they are back in current time. Jack and Sawyer are there too all knocked out and stuff. Jack doesn’t understand how the hatch was built if they blew it up in 1977. Sawyer is shitty and kicks Jack in the face. Kate gets between her two mens and I’m hoping she catches a flying fist, but no such luck.

Back on the plane, Jack goes to the bathroom (again.. he has the bladder of a 90-year-old) and sees the agent transporting Kate, who’s in the bathroom. She comes out, bumps into Jack, and he’s all atwitter. The agent leads her back to her seat. Sawyer walks by and knocks into the agent. Kate hides her handcuffs under her food tray. Little does she know, a man like Sawyer don’t care.

Arnst, (remember him?) is bugging Hurley. He recognizes him from his chicken franchise commercials. Hurley reveals that he won the lottery, liked chicken, and so he bought the company. I would totally do that. Except I’d buy Christian Louboutin.

Anyway, Sawyer is all, “don’t tell people you won the lottery cause people like me might try to jack yo shit,” and Hurley is all, “I’m the luckiest bastard ever.” That’s different too.

Hurley and Jin wake up with a knocked out Sayid. Jin knows they time traveled. They hear Sawyer yelling nearby and Jin goes for help. Kate hears someone calling for help under the rubble. It’s Juliet.

Back at the van, Hurley is about to hurl as Sayid coughs up blood. Sayid is convinced he’s about to die and go to hell since he lived his life as a badass torturing P.I.M.P. Hurley hears someone moving around in the jungle, grabs a gun that he can’t even load, and goes to investigate.

He finds… Jacob!

Back on the plane, Sun watches how affectionate Rose and Bernard are. Jin tells her to button her shirt. Apparently, in this reality, he’s still a controlling dick and not the Jin I came to adore.

Locke and Boone talk about why they were in Australia. Boone says he went to get his sister out of a bad relationship, but she didn’t want out. He doesn’t mention the whole boning his sister thing ’cause that’s not the kind of thing you tell someone you just met.

Anyway, that’s different too, cause she was on the plane. Maybe Maggie was off making Taken 2 and couldn’t make it back for the final season. Who knows?

Locke lies and says he went on a walkabout. At this point I’m incredibly sad because I love Locke, I miss him, and I’m sorry he’s dead and inhabited by creepy MIB (Man In Black.) Locke and Boone bond some more.

On the island, Evil Locke/MIB cleans the knife that killed Jacob. Jacob’s body is gone. Ben is confused by the fact that Jacob didn’t fight back. Evil Locke wants Ben to go outside and get sexy ass Richard. Who, you guessed it, is…

Richard is outside arguing with Elena and Jimmy Kimmel. Sun questions Lapidus about who Elena and crew are. He says all he knows is, they claim to be good guys, they were on the flight that was supposed to take them back to the island, and they had Locke in a box. He’s not so sure they’re good.

Ben comes out and tells Richard that Locke wants to see him. Elena asks if Jacob is alright. Ben is all, “Who are you?” Richard grips up Ben and shows him Locke’s dead body. Ben is all, WTF?

Sawyer, Jin, Miles, Jack and Kate start moving the debris to get Juliet out. Jin leaves to get the van with the chains to move the last heavy beam.

Hurley follows Jacob back to the van. Hurley has questions, but Jacob ain’t answering. He’s looking over Sayid. Jacob tells Hurley that Jin won’t be able to see him since he died an hour ago. Hurley’s having a Bruce Willis moment. Jacob tells Hurley he was killed my an old friend who grew tired of his company.

Jacob tells Hurley he has to take Sayid and the others to the temple. Jin will know the temple from the time he was time traveling w/ the French team. Going to the temple will save Sayid and keep the others safe. Jacob asks if Hurley still has the guitar case, Hurley says yes. Jin shows up and Jacob disappears.

As they drive to help Juliet, Hurley asks Jin if he knows about the hole in the wall w/ the French team. Jin says yes and Hurley seems relieved that he’s not COMPLETELY crazy.

Sawyer is worried that Juliet is no longer calling for them. He says he’ll kill Jack if she dies. Jin and Hurley show up with the van and chains and I can’t believe that van can move that beam, but whatever.

Back on the plane, the stewardess wants to know if there’s a doctor in the hizzouse. Someone has locked himself in the bathroom and won’t answer. They can’t get the door open. Sayid is all, “Perhaps I can be of assistance,” then kicks in the door cause that’s what PIMPs do.

They find Charlie. And he’s not breathing.

Sayid and the stewardess (Tina?… the one who becomes a brainwashed Other) try to help Jack save Charlie. He needs a pen to cut into Charlie’s throat to get whatever is lodged in there, but his pen is missing. (Kate five-fingered it when she bumped into him.) Jack uses his hands to dislodge the baggie of heroin. Sayid has a look on his face like, “Fucking white people.”

Back on the island, the beam is moved and Sawyer makes his way down to Juliet. She wakes up and realizes they are still on the island. She tells Sawyer she hit the bomb and they’re still there. She tells him she did that so that Sawyer could go home. He says he’s gonna get her out and take her home.

Jack tells the others that he can’t save Sayid. Hurley tells them about going to temple because Jacob said so. Jack is all, “Who’s Jacob?” And Hurley is all, “Um, you can’t fix him so shut up and listen.”

Richard wants to know what happened inside, but Ben ain’t talking. He’s all freaked out about seeing dead Locke. Jimmy Kimmel snatches Ben up and tells him they’re going in and so is he.

Inside, Evil Locke wants to know where Richard is, but Ben says Richard ain’t coming. Jimmy Kimmel demands to know what happened to Jacob. Evil Locke tells him that Jacob is dead and so they no longer have to worry about protecting him. Jimmy Kimmel shoots Evil Locke who momentarily gets a, “Oh, no you didn’t!” look on his face. Then he disappears and all they find is a bent bullet. Ben hides like a pussy.

The smoke monster shows up and starts slamming mofos around as it is want to do. Jimmy Kimmel, shaking like a junkie, has the presence of mind to make a protective ash circle around himself. Unfortunately, the smoke monster has the presence of mind to hit the ceiling, causing debris to fall on Jimmy Kimmel which in turn causes Jimmy Kimmel to fall outside of said protective ash circle. He is quickly manhandled by the smoke monster. The monster leaves and Ben shits his pants.

When he crawls out from his hiding place, Ben sees Evil Locke who tells him, “I’m sorry you had to see me like that.”

Say what?

I’ve always predicted that the island/smoke monster could take the form of dead bodies on the island (Eko’s brother, Christian, Alex, now Locke.) I thought there might be a connection between MIB and the smoke monster, but I didn’t know they were THAT connected.

This doesn’t explain (yet) Juliet calling it their security system, it sparing Locke the first season and Eko once after that. Nor does it explain (yet) Ben knowing how to summon it to kill the mercenaries that killed his daughter. They got 14 more hours to clear THAT up.

Sawyer tries to lift the crap off of Juliet. She’s crying out in pain. He cradles her and tells her that he’s gonna get her out. She starts talking crazy about going out for coffee and going dutch… I think that’s part of a convo she had with Jack… not sure. They kiss and she says she has to tell him something really, really, important.

Then she dies. Don’t you hate when that happens? (James, don’t worry. She has a job on V!)

He comes carrying her out of the wreckage shooting death eyes at Jack. “You did this.” Ruh-roh.

On the plane, Charlie is put in handcuffs. He tells Jack he should have let it happen. “I was supposed to die.” True dat. Jack goes back to his seat and wonders what happened to Desmond who has disappeared. (Time traveling again, perhaps?)

Now we get a slo-mo montage with that sad piano/string music Lost does so well. Everyone is preparing for the plane’s landing at LAX. Sayid looks at the picture of Nadia, Kate watches as he police bypass her to arrest Charlie, Boone and Locke shake hands. Locke and Jack are last to leave and Jack watches as Locke is assisted into his wheelchair.

I feel really sad because as we watch this alternate reality unfold, I can’t help but think of all they’ve been through: Jack and Kate crying after Ethan killed Charlie and Jack finally bringing him back to life, Boone dying after finding the drug plane, Sayid loving and losing Shannon, etc.

Back on the island, it’s morning and Sawyer prepares to bury Juliet. He asks Miles to stay behind and I just know he’s gonna be all, “Hey, what was Juliet about to tell me?” Kate offers to leave a trail so they can follow them to the temple, but Sawyer ain’t having it.

At the airport, Jack is paged to the courtesy desk. Oceanic has lost his Dad’s body. For reals.

On the island, Jack and crew show up at the temple. I’m so glad they’re getting down to it tonight instead of making this stretch several episodes. They quickly realize they’re gonna have to take Sayid down the hole in the wall and get to business. They find the Frenchman’s armless corpse. Remember what a douche he was? Jin explains how he lost the arm.

They continue to make their way down. Kate hears the whispers and then disappears. As they try to find her, they’re all eventually jumped and gripped up. Armed Others lead them to the temple.

At the airport, Kate tells the agent she has to go to the bathroom. He waits outside the stall as she goes, but she’s really using Jack’s pen to take off her cuffs. He gets impatient and finds the spring coil to the pen she dropped. She rushes the door and knocks him down. She grabs his gun and covers the cuffs as two women enter the bathroom. She tells them that he came in and attacked her before rushing out.

Kate gets on an elevator with Sawyer who notices the handcuffs. He covers for her when two airport security guards get on by letting Kate exit the elevator first.

On the island, Sawyer asks Miles what Juliet wanted to tell him. Miles refuses, but Sawyer is very persuasive. Miles does his mojo and tells Sawyer that Juliet wanted to tell him that, “it worked.” Sawyer is disappointed. So are we. We know it worked! Kinda. Sorta. But the real question is, how did Juliet know?

Jack and crew approach the temple and out walks every bad guy in every kung-fu movie I’ve ever seen. And he’s kinda dressed like Prince. He asks (in another language) who they are and the brainwashed stewardess reveals they were on flight 815. He orders them shot. Hurley yells out that Jacob sent them and this causes Prince to pause. He wants Hurley to prove it and Hurley tells him that Jacob gave him the guitar case. He hedges about whether or not he looked inside.

Prince opens the case and finds a huge wooden ankh… which he breaks in half to reveal a piece of paper. His translator asks their names, and one by one they tell him. This seems to be enough for Prince and they’re allowed to come in. Hurley wants to know what the paper said. The translator says that the paper said that if Sayid dies, their asses are grass.

At the airport, Sun and Jin are detained at customs. Jin has a whole lotta cash that he didn’t declare so he’s gripped up. A female officer tells Sun that if she can speak English and clear this up, she should. Sun lies and says she doesn’t speak English.

On the island, Jack and crew are brought into the temple and taken to a pool. Prince and his men are surprised to find that the water inside isn’t clear. Prince cuts his hand open and places it into the water. Then they put Sayid in the water. Dude, that’s not sanitary. I’m just sayin’.

Oh, before that though, Prince wants to know who hurt Sayid. Jack says he didn’t shoot him, but its his fault. Jack carries the weight of the world like no one else, doesn’t he? They tell Jack that there will be risks then commence with the Sayid baptism/resurrection. Prince turns over a giant hourglass as Sayid is held under water. Sayid starts thrashing about and everyone wants him brought up but Prince refuses until the sand has run out. When it has, and he’s brought up, Sayid is dead.

Well, that was a waste of time.

Jack tries CPR and Kate tells him to stop cause she’s annoying. Remember the last time he was doing CPR on someone and you told him to stop? It was Charlie and it worked so back the hell off!

It doesn’t work.

At the airport, Kate watches as an airport employee enters a code to go into a restricted area. She follows and makes her way up to the taxi stand. She tries to snatch a cab, but that annoying guy that got hit with flying arrows (he was sleeping on the plane between Boone and Locke) makes her wait in line. Of course, the agent shows up before she can get away. She hops in a cab and demands the driver to go at gunpoint. The cab already has a fare. Claire.

On the island, everyone is sitting around the murky pool when Miles and Sawyer are brought in. They were jumped in the jungle by the temple Others. Prince wants to see Hurley.

Hurley realizes that only what Prince says is translated which means Prince speaks English. Prince says he doesn’t like the way English tastes on his tongue. Good enough. Hurley tells Prince that Jacob is dead. Prince and the translator lose their shit. They start sounding alarms and pouring ash around the temple. They send up super flares. Seems this is the kind of info Hurley shoulda dropped first. The translator explains this is all to keep “him” out.

Hurley is all, “Him who?”

Evil Locke is moving around the dead bodies of Jacob’s protectors. Ben realizes that Evil Locke used him to kill Jacob because he couldn’t do it himself. Evil Locke tells Ben he didn’t make him do anything. He then tells Ben that John Locke was very confused when Ben killed him. He tells him that Locke’s last thought was, “I don’t understand.” I agree with Evil Locke. That’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard.

Evil Locke explains that John was weak, confused, and broken. Yet, he was admirable because he was the only one that didn’t want to leave the island. He realized how pitiful his life was, and wanted to stay. Ben wants to know what Evil Locke wants. He says he wants the opposite of the real Locke: he wants to go home.

In the temple, Hurley says goodbye to Sayid and tells him that if he ever wants to talk, he’s around. Miles is looking at Sayid suspicious like, but won’t say why when Hurley calls him on it.

Sawyer wakes up and asks if they’ve been caught by The Others again. Kate says yes, but that this time they’re protecting them. He shoots death eyes at Jack again, but tells Kate he’s not gonna kill Jack. He says that Jack deserves to suffer on the island with the rest of them.

At the airport, Jack is on the phone with his Mom explaining what happened to his Dad. When he gets off the phone, Locke is there. They lost one of his bags. He asks what they lost that belongs to Jack. Jack explains. Locke gets all deep on him and explains that they just lost his father’s body, not him. All Locke lost was his bag o’ knives. Jack asks about Locke’s condition and offers him his card and a free consult.

On the island, Richard, Sun, Lapidus, Ilana (just found the correct spelling her name and too lazy to go back and change it) and the gang see the super flares. Evil Locke and Ben exit the statue. Evil Locke says to Richard that it’s good to see him out of those chains.

“You?” Richard asks.

“Me.” Evil Locke says. Then he hits Richard in the throat and knocks him out. This causes Donny to laugh his ass off. I laugh too cause it’s always funny to see someone hit in the throat. It just is.

Evil Locke says he’s very disappointed in all of them. Then he picks up Richard and walks off passing Locke’s dead body on the beach.

I love this show!!

At the temple, the translator says they need to speak to Jack privately. Jack ain’t budging. They threaten to drag him out and Jack is all, “Let’s do this, Brutus.” As they scuffle around Hurley and the translator nearly lose their shit because….

Sayid is alive! And awake!

“What happened?” he asks.

***

Here were my questions at the end of last season. Let’s see what, if anything, has been cleared up.

1. Bad man in black has been the one in the cabin and directing Locke and the others when he appeared as Christian, Eko’s brother, Locke and Alex.

Maybe not. I mean, he could have been the one in there posing as Christian but what the hell did he want with Claire? The ash was disturbed so he obviously got out. But how?

2. Are they Gods?

Still don’t know. Representations of good and evil maybe?

3. Bad man in black accussed Jacob of bringing the people on the ship to the island. Did he also bring flight 815 and Desmond and everyone else that ended up there?

I still contend that everyone that found their way to the island was either brought there or ended up there (fate) for a reason.

4. Are the smoke monster and the bad man in black connected? I think so.

Yeah! I was right.

5. Why would the original, indigenous, Others become Dharma to begin with? And again, who has been funding them once Ben killed all the original DI people? Well, all except Ethan.

This has yet to be answered, but they have three months to do it.

6. How does this explosion change what we already know? What has it erased? Has it negated what just happened in the tomb under the statue?

Apparently, the explosion changed nothing on the island except jolting Jack, Jin, Kate, Hurley, Sayid, Sawyer, Juliet, and Miles into present day. It seems to have also created an alternate reality where the plan landed in Los Angeles, but as we see, it seems that the main characters were fated to be connected in some way… even before they left the plane!

7. What the hell did Richard say in Latin?

Still don’t know, but I’m sure it’s on the internet. Someone may have responded to this in the comments of the season finale blog. I’ll look later.

8. Will we ever see Rose and Bernard again? Or Claire?

Yes and yes!

I think we’re about to enter in to some good vs. evil/Gods-type storylines. And I love it!

I really wouldn’t mind seeing these two realities play out for the final season. This means that, hopefully, my Locke gets to live and walk. He deserves a better ending than the one the first reality gave him!

So, what did you think of the season premiere? Loved it? Hated it? Share your theories and predictions below.

24 – Day 8, 8pm-9pm

Previously on 24: Agent Ortiz saves president Hassan’s life. It’s revealed that Hassan’s brother was in on the attack. The assassin’s body is emitting hazardous gas. Bazhaev confirms he has possession of the rods. Renee Walker goes back undercover with the Russians to foil their plans. In the process, she cuts a man’s hand off.

The following takes places between 8pm and 9pm…

In Kamistan, a general gets a call from Hassan’s bro. The general is annoyed that the plan hasn’t gone as planned. Hassan’s bro assures him that he almost has his hands on the uranium.

Bazhaev’s son is dying. He refuses to let his son go to a doctor because it could lead the authorities right to him. His other son convinces Bazhaev to at least let the dying son die at the country house instead in a room behind the kitchen. I mean, damn.

Hassan’s bro assures Bazhaev that the money will be transferred soon. Bazhaev sets him up with some hookers to keep him busy in the meantime.

Jack and Renee tend to Stumpy’s wounds and Jack wants to call Hastings to dime Renee out. She convinces him not to. Jack leaves and Stumpy wakes up. He’s all salty about his fucked up situation, but gets over it when Renee talks about how much money he’ll get.

Redneck Kevin calls Starbuck Dana at work and continues to be a pain in the ass. He threatens to tell Ortiz about Dana’s past if she doesn’t come home.

In the car, Stumpy is chugging vodka and talking about Vladimir and Renee, she quickly shuts him up because he’s obviously about to say some shit she doesn’t want Jack to hear.

Chloe calls Jack to tell him his cover story has been uplinked. He asks her to look into everything between Renee and Vladimir.

Joseph, Bazhaev’s non-dying son, decides to take his brother to a doctor instead of the country house to die.

Hassan admits to his wife that he thought he loved Reed. She wants him to say it. He says they are both to blame for their unhappy marriage. He begs her not to leave. She says she’s outtie.

Stumpy goes inside to soften up Vladimir first. Vladimir is Leoben from BSG! I love him!! He wants to kill Stumpy, but he pauses when he hears Renee is in the car. Vladimir’s man, Hugo, says he believes Stumpy, but he never trusted Renee. Vladimir doesn’t think Renee is the one that ratted them out. He is obviously whipped.

Ortiz is looking for Starbuck Dana, and Arlo tells him that she went home. He looks confused. Well, more confused than usual.

Starbuck Dana goes home and finds Redneck Kevin has some loser in her house. She offers him money to leave and he slaps her around. She swears she didn’t testify against him. He wants her to use her CTU access to get him at least six figures.

Doesn’t CTU give everyone guns? Why doesn’t she just kill his ass?

Chloe tells Jack that it looks Vladimir beat Renee’s ass a few times. He asks if he raped her, and Chloe says there’s nothing in the file about that. Jack knows that Renee tried to kill herself at least once, and that more is going on.

Vladimir’s men pat Renee down. Chloe and Jack feed her answers to gain his trust, but he still puts them in a trunk.

Joseph threatens a doctor with killing his family if he doesn’t help his brother.

Vladimir  pulls over and Jack realizes they’ve been following a decoy vehicle.

Jack tells Renee they are ten minutes out and to stall.

Vladimir shoots Stumpy, but Renee refuses to beg. He wants to know who she is. She says she has nowhere to go and no one to go to. She demands that he kills her, and of course he doesn’t. They dump Stumpy in the river. Jack calls off the backup Hastings had waiting to intercept.

They bought Renee’s cover.

Tick… tock… tick… tock…

24 – Day 8, 4pm-8pm

The following takes place between 4pm and 5pm:

With no reminiscing down memory lane, 24 starts with a bang. Literally. A guy being targeted by a sniper enters a building and finds his friend dead in the bathtub. He makes a phone and learns that another friend has also been shot. He pulls a gun and hauls ass out the building.

The sniper is just about to take a shot at him, when his accomplice realizes it’s not their target. Seems homeboy got a homeless guy to leave the building wearing his jacket. That’s a pretty fucked up thing to do to a homeless guy, but whatever. This is 24.

The guy gets away, but not before being shot in the shoulder.

Jack Bauer is watching cartoons with his granddaughter who keeps bugging him to change the channel. She’s just as annoying as her mother. Speaking of which, Kim calls to tell Jack she’ll be running a few minutes late due to traffic. Later, she speaks with her husband/boyfriend/baby daddy? about Jack not yet saying whether or not hell be moving to Los Angeles with them. He offers to talk to Jack.

President Taylor is in negotiations with president Hassan of Kamistan – they’re offering to dismantle their nuclear systems. They’re at stalemate when his country refuses to have the Americans being the one doing the inspection. Privately, Taylor pushes to give him what he wants.

Jack tells Kim that he wants to move back to Los Angeles with them. He’s gonna pack and meet them at their hotel. There’s all this sappy music playing as he buckles his granddaughter in the car and you just knooow shit is aimed right at the fan.

Right now, the shit is in the form of the guy shot in the shoulder. He watches Jack go back inside his building before packing a gun and following.

A blonde woman gets all pissy when her press credentials are revoked for being invalid. Looks like she won’t be getting into this presidential press conference.

Hassan is informed that the U.S. has agreed to his terms with one condition: they want the head of the inspection team to be an American. Hassan is happy with this, but his brother is not. He thinks they’ve already done too much to appease the U.S. Hassan gets a call from the reporter and she explains that her press credentials have been revoked. Hassan’s bro admits that he had Ms. Reed’s credentials revoked because people are starting to talk. It is sooo obvious Hassan is hittin’ that but he insists he’s not.

Shot in shoulder guy is at Jack’s door. Jack doesn’t look happy to see him. He says he needs Jack’s help. Jack is all, “Victor, I’ll call your ass an ambulance, but that’s about it.” Victor tells Jack there’s gonna be a hit on Hassan before the peace treaty is signed. He wants Jack to call CTU and cut a deal for him (he got the hitman into the country.) Jack takes Victor’s gun and demands to know who the hitter is, but Victor won’t talk without a deal.

The New York CTU offices are all high-tech and fancy. Fancier than normal. Chloe is there, but she’s all outta sorts. She doesn’t like the way Dana (Starbuck from BSG) is treating her like a newbie. Also, Starbuck Dana seems to be engaged to Ortiz (Freddie Prinze, Jr.)

Jack calls Chloe and tells her he needs to speak to the director Hastings. (Bubba from Forest Gump.) She puts him through and he tells Hastings about Victor’s story.  Hastings says hell send a chopper to pick them up at a spot 5 blocks away. Hastings sends Ortiz with a team to pick them up.

The Russian hitman and his guys are listening to police radio and hear a call go over about Victor’s shot up car. They know where he is now.

Taylor is pleased to hear that Hassan has accepted their counteroffer. She gets verklempt when she thinks about the fact that her husband isn’t there to share the moment – peace with the Islamic Republic is something they both always wanted. Turns out they’re divorced now because she sent their daughter to jail.

When Taylor gets word of the possible assassination attempt, her dilemma is now whether to tell Hassan before or after the agreement is signed. Rob, the chief of staff, thinks they should tell him, Ethan doesn’t.

Jack calls Kim and tells her that he’ll meet her at the airport instead. He doesn’t tell her that anything is wrong. He and Victor are two blocks from the precinct where the chopper is meeting them. Jack decides to cut through an alley. NEVER a good idea.

Chloe finally pulls Victor’s file, but Hastings is annoyed it took her so long. Chloe complains that she’s had to learn all the new interfaces, but Hastings isn’t really tryna hear it. She needs to catch up, or be gone.

Ortiz leaves to get Jack and worries that Starbuck Dana might be getting cold feet.

Jack drags Victor’s bloody ass through the alley, but Victor can barely walk. Jack rips into a nasty ass mattress to re-compress Victor’s wound. A suspicious parking attendant calls 911 on a very obvious Spring product placement. Jesus. The camera stayed on the camera for like, 30 seconds even though it took 3 to dial 9-1-1.

Hassan and his wife head down to the conference and things are extremely icy between them. Hassan’s aide meets Reed at the security checkpoint and warns her to stay away from Hassan.

Rob isn’t happy to hear that Taylor isn’t going to tell Hassan about the threat to his life.

In the alley, Jack and Victor are stopped by the cops but before they can verify his story, the bad guys show up. After a brief shootout, Jack and Victor head for roof and he calls CTU. They arrange an alternate rooftop pickup. Jack tells Victor he needs to tell him everything he knows about the hitter in case he doesn’t make it. Victor won’t hear of it.

Jack takes out one of the bad guys with a fire axe. The other goes toppling down the staircase hitting every landing on the way down.

They make it to the rooftop and one agent starts to take Victor to the copper while Ortiz tells Jack he needs to come in for a debriefing. Jack is like, “Negative. I got shit to do.” From another rooftop, someone launches a rocket and blows up the chopper.

At CTU, everyone is all freaked out that they’re dead. Jack gets to Victor and tells him he needs to tell what he knows before he dies. Victor manages to croak out that there’s a person on the inside, close to Hassan, in on the plan. Of course there is. This is 24. There’s ALWAYS someone on the inside. Then Victor dies like a punk ass bitch – but not as punk ass bitchy as the time he was forced to blow a gang banger on The Shield.

Reed tells a mystery person that Hassan’s brother took away her clearance, but she used her feminine wiles to get Hassan to reinstate it. She assures the person on the phone that “it” will get done. It = Hassan.

Tick… tock… tick… tock…

The following takes place between 5pm and 6pm…

Ortiz is all pissy with Hastings because he almost got a rocket up the ass. I find it hard to take him seriously as I keep picturing him with a blond wig and ascot.

Hastings orders Jack back to CTU for a debriefing. Jack, surprisingly, listens, but he ain’t happy.

Starbuck Dana tells Hastings she may have a lead on the insider and Hastings tells her to look into it with Chloe’s help. Hastings tells Chief of Staff Rob Wiess that they may want to postpone the treaty signing until the threat is handled, but he won’t hear of it.

Reed and Hassan talk and make arrangements to meet in his private office. Bow-chicka-bow-bow.

CTU figures out that Reed was the one who illegally accessed the U.N’s system and alert the Secret Service that she’s a threat. They grip her ass up when she’s just ten yards from Hassan.

Chloe tells everyone that it seems a little easy that Reed was found. Starbuck Dana pretty much tells Chloe to S.T.F.U. Hastings puts Chloe in charge of Jack’s debriefing.

Jack calls Kim from CTU and tells her he’ll meet her at the airport, but once she finds out where he is, she insists on picking him up on the way to the airport. In other words, she wants to make sure his ass gets on that plane.

Ortiz is all pissed off cause he feels like if they had more backup, the attack wouldn’t have happened. Hastings warns him not to put his concerns on record.

Chloe expresses her concerns that Reed is a red herring, but Jack doesn’t want to get involved.

Hassan’s daughter is relieved that he’s okay. His wife is suspicious that Reed had such access to him. His brother walks in and I just realize he has hair like that prince from Shrek. It annoys me.

He pulls Hassan aside and tells him that Reed will be questioned and he needs to know everything she will say about their relationship. Hassan confesses to the affair, but his bro warns him that if questioned by the Americans, he need to deny it. Hassan neither agrees or disagrees.

Hassan’s brother calls the shooter and tells him that he needs to get Hassan to refute the reporter’s story so that CTU will think she’s the contact on the inside and divert attention from the true rat – Hassan’s brother!

Arlo flirts with Starbuck Dana and she shoots him down. Then she gets a call from someone that calls her Jenny Scott. He threatens her and she threatens to call the cops. She’s all, “My name isn’t Jenny! It’s Starbuck Dana!”

Reed demands to know why she’s been detained. Hastings tells her they found evidence that she’s apart of a plot to kill Hassan. He ain’t hearing it.

Jack presents Hastings with photos of the shooter entering Reed’s apartment around the time Reed supposedly hacked into the U.N.’s computers. Hastings STILL ain’t hearing it.

Jack tells Chloe she’s on her own. The last time he got tangled up in some national security shit, he got cooties! Jack meets Kim and her family in the parking garage. Kim tells him that she spoke to Chloe and Chloe broke all kinds of national security rules to tell her what’s going on. Chloe tryna get fired. Kim convinces Jack to stay. It’s the least she can do after being extremely annoying and fucking up the works in prior seasons.

Jack heads into CTU and he’s all business.

As Reed is being interrogated, the negotiations begin. Taylor tells Hassan that any info revealed by Reed will be shared with him.

Chloe can’t find out where the shooter went after leaving Reed’s apartment via the traffic cams, but hacks into Arlo’s system to get footage. They get the cab number and call to find out where it took him.

Starbuck Dana calls some redneck chick and asks her if she ratted her out to the bastard that’s been calling her. Redneck Ruth swears it wasn’t her. Starbuck Dana continues to have a completely secretive conversation in the hallway at work. Arlo snitches that someone hacked into his station to scan the drone archives. Starbuck Dana tells him to track it down and find out who did it.

The shooter shows up at a couple’s house and it turns out he is a cop that’s a part of the U.N. security detail.

Starbuck Dana tells Hastings what Jack and Chloe are up to. Hastings busts Jack trying to steal weapons from the armory. Jack tells Hastings that the president will be very interested to know that Hastings is a fuck up that got his informant and one of his own men killed. Hastings lets Jack do what he does best if only he’ll keep his mouth shut. Hastings still thinks the only lead is Reed.

The shooter, Mikey, wants to trade shifts with Jim but Jim says he can’t. Jim and Maggie have a meeting at their son’s school. Mikey suddenly gets a whole new accent and pulls a gun. He orders Jim to cover his wife’s mouth with tape and then shoots her in the leg to show he means business. He orders Jim to call the boss an tell him that Mikey will be taking his shift. Jim gets on the good foot and does as he’s told.

The following takes place between 6pm and 7pm…

Hastings tells chief of staff Weiss that they’re still trying to get info from Reed. Weiss isn’t happy that they are moving so slowly and wants the file found on Reed’s computer decrypted quickly.

Ortiz tells Starbuck Dana what Chloe and Jack suspect, Starbuck Dana thinks that Reed is still their best bet.

Mikey tells Jim he doesn’t want to hurt them, he is just doing his job. Mikey talks to the boss and tells him that Mikey will be taking his shift. Jim then asks Mikey to leave them alone, but I don’t think that’s gonna happen.

Jack is at the block where the cab dropped Mikey off and a young guy playing basketball tells Jack which house Mikey went into. Jack sees Jim shot in the forehead from the window and busts in the back door. Of course the cops show up and think that Jack killed the people inside. Jack tried to explain to one officer what was going on, but his trigger-happy partner tazers Jack in the back.

That’s a bitch-ass move.

The creepy blackmailing stalker dude from Starbuck’s Dana’s past shows up at CTU. She goes to meet him. He makes her beg to keep her secret then tells her he needs a place to stay. She gives him the keys to her place when I really think she should have just shot his ass.

Reed tells Hastings about her affair with Hassan but he doesn’t believe it. He calls for confirmation, but he has to wait for a callback from Weiss. Chloe tries to get Hastings to send back up for Jack, but he’s still being an asshole. Meanwhile, Jack is getting his ass kicked in the basement of the dead cop’s house. The one cop with sense doesn’t want any parts of it and heads upstairs.

When the president tells Hassan that Hastings wants to speak with him, Hassan’s bro warns him to deny the relationship. Hassan gets on the phone with Hastings and confirms the affair. Hassan’s brother almost flips his wig. Literally. Hastings refuses to send back up for Jack AND he still thinks Reed is on the plot to assassinate Hassan. At this point, I want to kick Hastings in his ass.

Hassan’s bro calls Mikey and tells him what Hassan did. Mikey says the plan is still on that Hassan will be dead within the hour.

Jack gets the drop on the cop that’s been beating his ass, but the partner shows up and pulls his gun on both of them. He calls in the double murder, and Jack convinces him to look up the duty assignment for the dead cop.

Arlo continues to hit on Starbuck Dana, but before she can cuss him out, there’s a break in the file they’ve been decrypting. It’s schematic for the U.N. with a bomb present. Hastings calls it in. Chloe tells Hastings it could be a trap, but he’s still being ignorant.

An evacuation is ordered which, of course, is exactly what Mikey wanted. He arms the bomb from his cell phone outside.

Hassan’s bro calls Mikey and tells him which car his brother is in. At this point, Donny points out that Hassan’s bro looks like a damn douchebag.

The good cop confirms Jack’s story and drives him to the U.N. Jack calls Chloe and tells her what’s going on. I’m real shitty Jack doesn’t get a chance to beat dat ass of the cop that was beating on him, but I suppose Jack got bigger fish to fry.

Jack is patched through to Cole Ortiz who uses his car to push Hassan’s car out of danger and off course. Aw, sookie sookie now. They done made Freddie Prinze Jr. a P.I.M.P.

The following takes place between 7pm and 8pm…

Hastings gets his ass chewed out by Weiss when they realize they fell for a trap to get Hassan out of the building. Both Ortiz and Hassan are fine. As Ortiz starts to move Hassan to another vehicle, Mikey considers taking a shot at him but there are too many cops around. Hassan gets away safely.

As Cole calls in his situation to Starbuck Dana, he spots Mikey and takes chase.

Hassan’s bro calls Mikey who tells him what happens. He tells Hassan’s bro to get the hell outta dodge because they will soon know he’s in on it. Then this fool gets out of the car, stabs a cop in the neck with a pen, and hauls ass!

Mikey gets the drop on Ortiz and tells him he’s gonna walk him outta there. He orders Ortiz to call in that their position is clear so they can get away. Ortiz, instead, gives up their position and prepares to die. Jack shows up and kills Mikey instead.

Freddie Prinze Jr. then shits his pants.

Hassan arrives at CTU and Hastings tells him about his brother’s involvement. Chloe tells Hastings that Mikey was killed by Jack and that Jack uplinked some video of the tattoos on the killers. They are all members of a Russian gang. They’re flying in an agent that got close to the gang during an investigation: Renee Walker.

Hassan’s bro is on the run. He calls the Russian man in charge and hails a cab to go meet him.

President Taylor expresses her gratitude that Hassan is still alive. Rob Weiss is all business. He wants to know if the peace negotiations are still in place. Hassan is not about to let his brother get away with ruining what they started. Taylor says she’ll arrange for CTU to have Hassan returned to the U.N. as soon as possible.

Ortiz and Jack arrive at CTU and Chloe tells Jack that Renee is on her way due to her experience working undercover for the Russian mob. According to Chloe, Renee went all white girl crazy at some point.

Hassan thanks Ortiz for saving his life, but Ortiz tells him that it wasn’t just him – Jack and Chloe deserve props. Alarms sound in CTU. Seems Mikey’s dead body is giving off all kinds of nuclear cootie vibes. Hassan wants to speak to Hastings a.s.a.p.

Renee arrives at CTU and Chloe greets her at the helipad. Chloe manages to not stick her foot in her mouth and ask too many awkward questions or mention Jack.

Hassan tells Hastings that some nuclear program they were working on could be behind the uranium cooties coming off of Mikey. He warns that they need to stop the Russians before they get their hands on it.

Renee deciphers Mikey’s tattoos. She explains that the gang is badass. Hastings tells Renee that she needs to go back undercover with the Russian mob. Renee says she’ll do it, but not cause she wants her FBI badge back, just cause she’s hardcore like that. Word.

Jack says goodbye to Chloe. She fills him in on Renee going back undercover. Jack goes to talk to Renee. She is very happy to see him. But she doesn’t want to hear his warnings against going back undercover. She likes the new, darker, side of herself and Jack should really mind his fucking business. Well, she doesn’t say that exactly, but you get the point between all the raw sexual tension.

Hassan meets with Reed and though he admits he really cares for her, he can’t jeopardize all the good he can do for his country by being with her. A secret service guy is being all nosy so their visit is cut short.

Renee devises a plan to get back into the Russian’s good graces. Jack walks in and needs to speak to Hastings alone. Renee refuses to leave. Jack tells Hastings that Renee isn’t ready for this. Renee tells Jack to mind his own beeswax. Jack says he’ll go in with her.

Hassan’s brother arrives at the Russians’ evil headquarters. He wants proof that they have the uranium rods. The Russian boss shows him his younger son who is locked in a room at the back of the restaurant. He’s all cootied up from the exposure. This seems to be proof enough for Hassan’s bro.

Redneck boy calls Starbuck Dana at work. He wants to know about Ortiz. He wants her to come home and she won’t. He goes all white boy redneck crazy on her.

Renee arrives at her Russian contact’s store. She claims she got out of jail early and wants to get in touch with Vladimir (are there no other Russian names?) – she has a buyer for him. He says he can’t help her. If he calls for Vladimir, they’ll kill him. He has a monitor bracelet on his wrist from being on parole. Renee gets all flirty with him. She claims she can get his bracelet off.

She clamps his hand in a vice and then CUTS HIS FUCKING HAND OFF!!!

Jack comes rushing in. He says this is over. Renee says she’s just getting started.

Tick…tock…tick…tock….

Top Ten Most Anticipated TV in 2010

10. Damages

OK, sure season 2 was a mess of convoluted plot involving a bribed judge, a double-crossing FBI investigation, and a cokehead stabbing Patty(Glenn Close) in an elevator, but I have high hopes that season 3 of Damages will return to the glory that was the amazing, thought-provoking, twists and turns of season 1.

Damages returns to FX on January 25th.

9. Jeff and the other chick on The Amazing Race

Last season’s winner of Big Brother, whatsherface, will be joining the cast of globe trotting contestants on the next season of The Amazing Race. But the big news is that her racing partner is none other than the ubersexy, Jeff, who you may remember was her (OK, fine. Her name is Jordan) showmance in the BB house.

I cannot wait to see him jetsetting for the million bucks. Preferably shirtless. Here’s to hoping the producers have come up with lots of hot locales to ensure maximum topless Jeff moments. I’m just saying.

8. Southland returns on TNT

I don’t know who’s in charge over at NBC, but it must be run by morons. They consistently cancel awesome shows like Journeyman, Life and Scrubs. Then they let a gem like Medium get swept up by the good people at CBS to make room for five nights of the chronically unfunny Jay Leno at 10pm.

Thankfully, cooler heads prevail over at TNT and they’ve given new life to the gritty police drama Southland. The season finale was a jaw-dropper so thank the TV gods that TNT will pick up the show so we can see how it all plays out.

7. Stargate: SGU

Thanks to my friend Cathy sending me all ten seasons of Stargate: SG1, I have another sci-fi franchise to add to my must-see list. I’m currently starting season 2 of Stargate: Atlantis, but couldn’t wait to get through all five seasons of that before diving into Stargate Universe which premiered on SyFy last fall.

SGU follows a band of military personnel, scientists, and civilians trapped on a spaceship built by The Ancients who developed the stargates as they try to figure out a way back to Earth.

Some of my fellow Stargate fans complain that SGU is more Battlestar Galactica than Stargatey, but that’s okay with me. I love the dark sets, mental manipulations, and catastrophes of the week plots.

6. The final episodes of Nip/Tuck

Tonight FX kicks off the final nine episodes of Nip/Tuck. Even though I can admit that the show has been bordering on very cheesy and plain-ass ridiculous for at least two seasons now, I am sorry to see it go. I will watch tonight, and for the next eight weeks, and begin my goodbyes to the sexy, super rich, but morally bankrupt doctors of McNamara/Troy.

5. V

We were teased with four episodes of the remake of the 80’s cult hit V. There were holes like, how the hell did the Vs manage to just drop off sleeper agents without anyone noticing? I mean, it’s not like dropping someone off at a bus stop. But overall, I’m hooked.

It just went back into production in January, so I’m not sure when the new epis will air. I’ll be there whenever that might be.

4. 24 in NYC

Two of my favorite things will be mixing it up on FOX: Jack Bauer and New York City.

Two words: Hells.Yeah!

24 returns on January 17th.

3. Caprica

Caprica, the Battlestar Galactica prequel, tells how the Cylons (at least the Cylons of the 12 colonies of the series) came to be. The pilot was available on DVD last spring and I’ve been waiting like a crackhead ever since.

Caprica premieres on SyFy on January 22nd. Read my Caprica review here.

2. GLEE!

My new favorite show returns… in APRIL! I know! What the hell? We have such a long wait, but no doubt it will be worth it.

What will Quinn do now that everyone knows Puck is the father of her baby? What will happen with the new Shuster/Pillsbury romance? Will Rachel and Finn hook up now that he’s free? Will they please give Kurt more airtime and can we get a full hour dedicated to the awesomeness that is Sue Sylvester?

1. LOST

Come on, now. You knew this would be number one. The final season of Lost begins February 2nd .

SPOILER ALERT:

We’ve met Jacob and the creepy guy that has been trying to kill him since, like, forever. Creepy guy had apparently taken over Locke, who has really been dead all this time, and used him and Ben to finally get to Jacob. There was lots of time traveling and time shifting which led to a big-ass gun fight and Juliet falling down a shaft. Oh, and we got to see the smoke monster kick more ass.

I’m looking forward to all of my questions of the past five years being answered. That’s right. All 1384 of them!

What are you looking forward to? What shows do you miss the most?

New Moon Movie Review

Last year I had many of my female readers all atwitter when I recommended they run, not walk, to pick up copies of the Twilight saga. We were all transported back to our teenage days when the thought of a mysterious, dangerous, and handsome boy in school would send us swooning. And though some people dismiss the Twilight books as literary fluff, I give major kudos to Stephenie Meyer. As a writer mom, I know how hard it is to find the time to sit down and finish something and it was a pretty good idea to boot.

Before going to see a movie based on a series of books, I’ll usually re-read the books to refresh my memory. Between school, the kids, and working part-time, I didn’t have the time to read New Moon again before opening night. This turned out to be a good thing. There were tidbits I’d forgotten and it made the story fresh to me.

I remember reading one of the opening scenes of New Moon while Donny drove and Kali sat in the backseat. I closed the book to tell them about the part where Bella got a paper cut at the birthday party. Twilight the movie wasn’t out yet and Kali asked if I thought New Moon would be a movie as well.  We both agreed that it would be pretty cool to see such a scene play out on the big screen.

But what should have been terrifying – a simple paper cut sets off a chain of events that finds a human girl nursing a bleeding arm in a room full of vampires – was actually comical. I blame two things. One, the actor playing Jasper (Jackson Rathbone) is horrible. Every time he’s supposed to look like he’s repressing the urge to kill Bella (Kristen Stewart), he looks more like someone that has to take a really bad poop and can’t.

Two, vampires need fangs!

Maybe Stephenie Meyer made her vamps fangless to be different, but let’s face it: a lot of the story behind the series has been done before. You’re not reinventing the wheel. Give those vampires fangs! Without them, whenever Edward and the gang bear their teeth to attack, it looks less menacing and more, “Do I have something in my teeth?” Can you imagine if she’d decided to take away the werewolves’ fur or claws? Thank you.

I was curious to see how the lack of Edward (Robert Pattinson) would be handled in this film. The movie runs over two hours and he’s in about 10-15 minutes total. After the paper cut incident (God, that sounds so damn dumb), Edward decides that it would be best if he and his vamp peeps leave town. He worries that he will cause Bella more harm than good. Nevermind the fact that Bella’s at the top of a homicidal vampire’s (redundant?) shit list, he thinks it’s best if he puts some distance between them. Knowing that Bella would pretty much lose her shit, he decides to make her think he doesn’t want to be with her anymore which makes her… you guessed it, lose her shit.

From the trailers, it looked as if Bella was spending many nights in bed writhing in pain and yelling over the breakup. And though I’m not one of those parents that feel it’s the responsibility of  TV, movies, celebrities, etc. to set examples for my daughter, there was a part of me that wanted to smack her and yell, “Man up!” And due to some bad direction, the first time we see Bella in bed screaming after the breakup, most of the girls in the audience groaned. It wasn’t until the second time it happened that we learned she was actually suffering from bad dreams, hence the screaming and twisting and turning.

Still, Bella spends the majority of the movie looking for new ways to engage in dangerous behavior because it’s the only way she can “see” Edward. His image and voice serve as a kind of Jiminy Cricket warning her not to go off with white trash strangers and jump off cliffs. I’ve long said that I don’t think Kristen Stewart can act and the first 20 minutes of the film didn’t change my mind. Then a miraculous thing happened…

Jacob (Taylor Lautner) became of the focus and suddenly there was chemistry, there was an actual love story and actual acting! When reading the books, I was totally Team Edward. Now? Not so much. I actually think Taylor Lautner made Kristen Stewart a better actor. At the very least, he made her tolerable. Unfortunately for Mrs. Meyer, Taylor made it so that anyone with a brain and functioning libibo has a hard time wondering how the hell Bella could pick Edward over Jacob. Also, unfortunately for Mr. Pattinson, he removes his shirt at the end of the film after Taylor spent the majority of it looking all kinds of right with his shirt off. I’m just sayin’.

The special effects were a vast improvemnet from Twilight. The silliness of Edward going all sparkly like he spent an afternoon in Libby Lu is forgiven any time Jacob or one of his clan wolfs out. There was some very bad dialogue and scenes that didn’t make any sense. Like when after Jacob realizes what he is and what the Cullens are, he lashes out to Bella for loving the bloodsuckers. But later when he wants to tell her about himself, he asks, “Have you ever had a secret that you couldn’t tell anyone?” Um, yeah. Didn’t we already cover that she has?

In a recent interview with Oprah, Stephenie Meyer confessed that it was her mother who suggested she add some kind of action to the original ending of Twilight… and it shows. If there’s one area where the all of the books fail, it’s the climax. The pacing is pretty good throughout each one, but suddenly it’s as if Meyer realizes she needs a big ending so she starts tossing in imminent danger, plane rides, and lots of running. It all feels both forced and jarring. New Moon only handles this slightly better than the Twilight film did.

When the Volturi come on screen I realize that Twilight suffers from the same problem as True Blood and Grey’s Anatomy: the supporting characters (Lafayette, Eric, Jessica/McSteamy, Callie, Izzy/Jacob, Volturi, Rosalie) are more interesting and compelling than the main ones we’re supposed to care about (Bill and Sookie/Meredith and Derrick/Edward and Bella.)

And again, things that end up working better on the screen only reminds those of us that have read the books how much better the books could have been. The Volturi in the film are awesome…

Except for this guy:

… but it doesn’t matter how awesome they were. Their roles are small in the upcoming films and we don’t see them again till the end of Breaking Dawn during that drawn-out battle that falls flat. Then again, what does Meyer care? The books have already been written and made her buttload of money.

New Moon is head and shoulders above Twilight as a film. The action is better paced and the ending was spot-on. It left me, and all the tweens, atwitter and counting down to the Eclipse premiere.

Going to see New Moon opening night inspired this blog.

Battlestar Galactica: The Plan

BSG: The Plan is a two-hour movie that tells the saga of Battlestar Galactica from the point of view of the Cylons. We were told for years that they had a plan, but there has been massive speculation as to what that plan was. BSG:TP lays it all out for us as we follow two Cylons (two Cavils) during the months after the Cylon attack.

F. Cavil, who we first saw during the series counciling a grieving Tyrol, lived amongst the colonial fleet and C. Cavil lived on Cylon-occupied Caprica with the resistance fighters.

Going into BSG: TP we know this: The final five Cylons were technically among the first. They were descendants of the Cylons (skinjobs) that left for Earth when they split from the 12 colonies of humans that left Kobol. The Cylons on Earth made Centurions that evolved and turned on them. The Five perfected resurrection and used that technology to escape once the Centurions waged war against the Earth Cylons. They traveled 2,000 to stop the 12 colonies from making the same mistake, but they were too late. The colonists had already made their own Centurions who’d also evolved and rebelled. The Five convinced the Centurions Cylons to stop the war in exchange for their knowledge of resurrection.

They created 13 models of Cylons that looked human – just as they did. The Cavil model grew jealous of one model and killed the whole line. He then killed The Five and programmed their resurrected selves to believe they were human. He placed them amongst the humans where they lived for years. They then continued to crank out hundreds of copies of the other models, none of which knew their true origin or the identities of the Five. They plotted revenge on the humans and launched a sneak nuclear attack against the colonies.

Their plan was simple: kill all of the humans. They didn’t count on a band of resourceful resistance fighters on Caprica and they damn sure didn’t count on close to 50,000 survivors led by the lone battlestar to survive the attacks: Galactica.

As BSG: TP opens we learn that Cavil thought the final five would die in the attacks and resurrect aboard a Cylon baseship filled with gratitude. He thought their time as humans would make them see the light: humans are greedy, selfish, and undeserving of their love. They should be annihilated. Of course, it didn’t work out that way. Each of the five survived the attack. That, and the fact that some Cylons are starting to doubt that they’re doing the right thing, leads to all kinds of changes in “the plan.”

What makes BSG: TP so damn awesome, and it is truly awesome, is the little nods to history and the answers to questions big and small. Like:

• In the miniseries, after Caprica Six parts with Gaius in the courtyard, she hands off a case to someone we never see. “It’s about time you got here.” That person was Cavil.
• When Ellen Tigh is found she says that “a mysterious stranger” rescued her. We see in BSG: TP that during the attack she was in a bar with Cavil who introduced himself as “a mysterious stranger.”
• The Cylon base stars are shaped as they are because they were designed to turn so that their points line up.
• Baltar is the one who slips the note to Adama revealing that there were 12 Cylon models.
• F. Cavil orchestrated the attempt to discredit Baltar’s Cylon Detector by instructioning the Shelly Six to show up with the doctored video.

• The Leoben fascination with Starbuck – we see where it begins and how he came to believe that she had a destiny.
• Boomer had conscious conversations with F. Cavil where they plotted the sabatoge of Galactica like ruining the water supply.

There are some new tidbits as well:

• There was a Simon model living on Gemenon. He was married with a child. There was also a Simon model living with the resistance fighters on Cylon-occupied Caprica.
• Tori survived the attack because she was headed to the airport and some surviving flights acted as rescue flights and helped nearby people off the planet.
• F. Cavil used religious phamplets to reach out to the still-undiscovered Cylons living amongst the fleet.
• There was a copy of every Cylon model living in the fleet.

What really works is the contrast between the two Cavils and two new Simons not seen during the series. The Cavil living with the fleet remains hell-bent on the destruction of man and the one with the resistance fighters begins to have doubts. There’s a Simon living with the fleet too. He’s married with a stepdaughter and wants to continue living as human, but F. Cavil wont hear of it. Meanwhile, the Simon on Cylon-occupied revels in destorying man (and performing experiments on the female-survivors) and doesn’t get the change of heart of the C. Cavil. We get to see how the plan had to be changed and improvised as Cylon agents screwed up sabotage attempts or Galactica just proved to be too formidable.

The movie also does a good job of providing insight into the Cylon psychology. For instance, I found it interesting that though they knew they would download and ressurect, most Cylons were still apprehensive about experiencing “death.” And Cavil’s obsession with gaining the approval of his “parents” (The Final Five) is fascinating. You see it the whole time he’s living with the unsuspecting Anders on Cylon-occupied Caprica.

Fans of the show, diehard fans anyway, will recognize how old scenes have been reimagined with new footage and perspectives.

I honestly could have seen this go on for hours, but The Plan stops just as the two Cavils are reunited (and outed/airlocked) aboard Galactica. Of course, we know the story from there.

If you’ve been trying to ease the dull ache left by BSG’s ending this movie may help… somewhat. The opening scene with that haunting score by the awesome Bear McCreary made me both happy and sad. During the commentary Jane Espenson (writer) mentioned that there was originally going to be three post-finale movies, but they decided on one. Such a shame. But this one gets the job done. It answers questions you didn’t even know you had and it gives us one last glimpse into that wonderful BSG mythology we miss so much.

Dexter – S4E3 – Blinded By The Light

Previously on Dexter: Dexter’s newborn baby boy is cutting into his sleep and killing time. When a murderer walks due to his sleep-deprived courtroom screw-up, Dexter decides taking care of him will solve one of his problems. Lt. Laguerta and Batista carry on a secret affair. A new serial killer (John Lithgow) called The Trinity Killer is in town, recreating his decades-old crimes one after the other.

Agent Lundy returns to town and seeks Dexter’s help in catching the Trinity Killer. Falling asleep at the wheel, Dexter crashes his car with the remains of his latest victim in the trunk.

Due to his head injury, Dexter can’t remember where he hid his latest victim’s body before the crash. Lundy reaches out to Deborah, who thinks he wants to rekindle their relationship. She feels like a fool when she realizes he just wants her help with the  Trinity Killer, who, by the way, has already started stalking his next victim.

And now…

Rita corners Dexter at a neighborhood BBQ – she’s upset that he lied about the seriousness of his accident. She can be so annoying.

Dexter and his new neighbors discuss starting a watch group to catch a neighborhood vandal. Dexter muses that he’s used to working alone to catch the bad guys.

That night, TK (Trinity Killer) makes the lady he’s been stalking drive to a building near the docks. He takes her a top floor and makes her jump.

Anton tells Deborah he has a local gig that will keep him home every day. She doesn’t look thrilled.

Dexter finds the fresh hell of being driven to work every day by Rita who won’t let him stop for a second cup of coffee. See, she’s annoying.

Quinn gives Dexter Miami Dolphins tickets – he knows that Dexter saw him pocket money from a crime scene. Dexter gives the tickets to Masouka.

At the latest TK crime scene, Lundy shows up and admits to Deborah that he’s happy the TK chose Miami – he got to see her again. She’s all atwitter.

Dexter is put off at the neighborhood watch meeting when he realizes that the neighbors will be watching his comings and goings. This puts a serious cramp in his serial killing. He suspects the neighbor’s teenage boy, Andy, as being the vandal. He realizes he needs to out him soon in order to disband the group and ensure his ability to come and go as he pleases. He lifts the boy’s prints from a soda can and matches it to the prints of the person who grafittied his gate.

Anton notices a change in Deborah’s behavior when she has a lunch/meeting with Lundy. She’s still atwitter.

LaGuerta and Batista are shot at by the suspect couple in the vacation killings.

Dexter, pretending to be on neighborhood watch duty, decides to put the fear of God in Andy. Before he can make his move, the neighborhood watch group chase him.

“It’s watch and report, assholes. Not watch and chase. This is so humiliating.”

Dexter has to flee from the makeshift cops with flashlight headbands and whistles. Hilarious.

Masouka tries to sell the Dolphins tickets to Deborah and Quinn while they’re performing a dummy drop at the latest TK scene. Quinn is pissed that Dexter gave away his bribe.

LaGuerta and Batista have to get their stories straight about the shooting. They left the office at noon and didn’t get to the scene where they were shot at until after 3pm. They decide to come up with a lunch/flat tire story to hide their afternoon delight.

Dexter tries, once again, to convince Quinn that he doesn’t give a shit if Quinn is dirty. Quinn tells Dexter he wouldn’t understand what it’s like to be a cop.

Deborah and Dexter have a heart-to-heart. They’re both feeling crowded at home. Neither believe that the jumper at the TK scene was a suicide.

Dexter has to have a talk with Aster who is all moody-tween. He is always embarrassing her in front of Andy who she is obviously crushing on.

I think I liked Rita and her kids better when they were just the white trash family Dexter was spending time with to seem normal.

Deborah lies to Anton about working late when she’s really meeting Lundy for drinks to discuss TK.

Dexter hears the vandal hard at work and decides to hide in Andy’s room to scare his ass when he returns. But Andy’s in his room. Dexter sees it’s the Dad that’s been doing the vandalizing. He shines his headband light into the Dad’s eyes as he corners him in the basement. He tells him he needs to stop what he’s doing or he will come back and leave with the man’s head in a bag… and he already has the bag.

The Dad jumps bad and Dexter beats him down. He’s miserable because he lost his wife and the bank is going to take his house. Dexter is like, “You gonna lose more than that if you keep it up.” The Dad finally agrees to stop.

On his way home, he triggers his neighbor’s security lights and takes them out with a rake… and he’s busted by Rita.

The Amazing Race 15 – “Sean Penn Cambodia Here We Come”

Previously on The Amazing Race: In a bold new move, a team is eliminated before leaving the country… before leaving the parking lot! In Tokyo, the professional poker player hoochies came in last, but were saved because it was a non-elimination round.Garrret and Jessica are eliminated (you know, they are the standard, “we don’t know if we’re meant to be together couple, but the race is going to help us figure that out” couple. I guess that means no.

In Vietnam, the teams tame water dragons and push cement animals through the busy streets. It comes down to a root race between The Harlem Globetrotters and Meghan and Cheyne. The basketball players come in first. Marcie and Ron, the older couple that met on the internet came in last.

And now…

The Globetrotters are the first team to take off. They’re headed to Cambodia. Jesus. I bet they’re the tallest people the Cambodians have ever seen. I want to root for Team Jungle Fever, but the wife is annoying.

Anyway, at the airport the teams quickly realize that there are no flights leaving that night so everyone will have a chance to catch up.

Some teams make it on the first flight out to Cambodia (12:25pm), but Zev and Justin and Lance and Keri don’t and have to go standby. The next flight doesn’t leave till after 2pm. I hope Z. and J. make it. I can’t stand Lance and Keri. Unfortunately,both teams make the flight.

Once in Cambodia, they all rush to catch cabs to the Foreign Correspondence Club. I’m amazed the Globetrotters can fit in the taxis.

Once in the club, they have to whisper to the assignment editor and ask for their next assignment. Then, they have find the Hotel Royal and the suite named after Jackie Kennedy. Half the teams didn’t even realize they were holding a picture of J.Kennedy. One team thought it was Queen Elizabeth, another thought it was a Cambodian woman.

Dumb Americans.

Team Jungle Fever and one other team get taken to the wrong hotel. Everyone else gets it right.

With the detour, most teams choose to pick a scarf from the Russian Market and find a woman in the crowd wearing the same scarf.

The next task has one team member learning to act like a monkey and performing three monkey manuevers. I can’t believe they’re gonna make the brothas do this

When the Globetrotters spot their woman with the scarf, she took off running! See! She saw them big-ass brothas coming towards her and broke out.

When it’s Zav and Justin’s turn to do the monkey manuevers, the one w/ Asperger’s damn near has a monkey-meltdown.

Lance and Keri chose the opposite task of trying to sell motor scooter helmets. They struggle, but finally manage to sell all the helmets for the target amount ($10), – an amount one of the poker hoochies assumed would be too much for poor Cambodians.

Zev and Justin come in first. Sam and Dan, second. The Globetrotters came in third. Then, Zev and Justin realize that they don’t have their passports. Phil tells them that if they don’t find them, they’ll be out of the race.

That’s fucked up, yo.

Phil suggests that they thoroughly check their backpacks (duh) and they find one, but not that the other. They have to backtrack their steps and if they don’t find the other one before the last team checks in, they’re eliminated.

They call the cabbie that took them around that whole day and he agrees to return and help them retrace their steps.

The poker hoochies are the last team to check in, but they are saved because Zev and Justin haven’t returned with their missing passport.

Survivor: Samoa Epi 1 – Puppetmaster

Survivor kicks off it’s biggest season yet with 20 castaways. The tribes were preselected: Galu (purple) and Foa Foa (yellow.) Every tribe votes for their leaders based on first impressions.

Galu picks Russell

And Foa Foa picks Mick

They each pick the members of the team that will compete in their first comp for fire. Mick surprisingly picked Jaison to handle the swimming leg, and surprisingly he can swim!!

Foa Foa wins the challenge.

Russell H. from Foa Foa makes an alliances with each young girl. He calls it his Dumb Ass Girl Alliance. He makes an alliance with Betsy, an ex-cop, who doesn’t trust him.

Later that night, Russell tells everyone that he lived in New Orleans and lost his dog during Hurrican Katrina. He never lived in New Orleans. While everyone is sleeping, he dumps out all of the water from canteens and burns people socks. He confesses that he’s a multi-millionaire from Texas that doesn’t need the money. He’s only there to make people miserable.

What an asshole!

At Galu, Shambo is annoyed with all the talk and little action going on and she’s not impressed with Russell S’s leadership skills.

At the immunity challenge Galu kicks ass which is good because Foa Foa was cocky for no damn reason. You shouldn’t be so damn cocky when you have a little redneck midget pulling your strings.

Marisa makes the mistake of telling Russell H. she isn’t secure in their alliance because she sees him talking to everyone. He tells the whole tribe to vote her out.

At Tribal Council, Marisa is put on the spot and Russell H. fans the flames. She doesn’t do a good job of defending herself and is voted out.

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