My First Experience With Curling

This blog was originally written and posted on Myspace on February 17, 2006

Around 4am this morning, Donny and I were watching a rebroadcast of the Olympic games.  I never really pay attention to the Olympics unless there’s some scandal beforehand.  Like when that trailer trash girl paid someone to maim the horseface chick.  Good stuff.

Oh, and then there was the summer the Olympics were here in Atlanta and I turned into a female gymnastics groupie…but that’s for another blog.

It was during this rebroadcast that I discovered the lamest of all Olympic sports.  Curling.  As far as I can tell, it goes like this:

I’m not sure how many are on a team total, but one guy pushes this heavy ass round stone with a handle on it down an icy lane.

While it travels towards the goal (a bulls eye set of circles)…

… two other teammates kind of mop the floor in front of it with these Swiffer brooms.

This is done to keep the stone moving and increase the ridicule factor.

The objective is to get your stone as close to the middle of the circle as possible, earning points for where you land and to knock your opponents’ stones out the way….I think.

Why is this sport lame?

Where is the fucking skill in this?  A really conscientious housewife could rack up the gold medals. And not to mention all the mexican housekeepers.

I was alarmed to find out that my husband knew way too much about this “sport”.  As the Swedish pusher pushed the stone down the ice he began to yell and chant.  It was in Swedish but I’m pretty sure he was yelling, “Mop it, mop it, mop that floor you bastards!  Go, go, go!”

At least that’s what I would have been yelling.

And then the commentators felt the need to pepper their analysis  with little known facts.

“Sven is also a Rubik’s cube world champion.  He can solve one in 25 seconds.”

Me: These guys get no pussy.

Donny: Shhh!!!

Sven and his buddies manage to knock out an opposing team’s stone and land theirs almost dead center.
Donny: See, they get three points for that.  Did you know the U.S. team is the only team that makes its members try out for this?

Me: We partake of this madness?

Donny: Yup.  The other countries handpick their teams so they usually have the same members from like the 70’s!

Obviously, he doesn’t want anymore pussy either.

Lost S6 Epi. 2 “What Kate Does”

I just wanna say that I already knew this episode would be slow and boring because I don’t give a crap what Kate does. Anyway, better late than never.

Previously on Lost: Sawyer and Juliet play house and then she dies. Sawyer blames Kate. Sayid dies, but not really. Everyone is all, “WTF?”

And now…

The translator dude tells Prince that Sayid is alive. Dun-dun-dun.

Sawyer is all, ‘It’s so unfair that the Iraqi torturer who shoots kids lives, but my honey dies and stays dead.” He wants to make a run for it.

At the airport, Kate hijacks Claire’s cab. The cabbie runs off at a light leaving Kate to drive with her handcuffs on. She takes Claire’s purse and leaves her on the side of the road without her suitcase. Alternate Reality Kate is a bad mamma jamma.

On the island, Hurley, Jack and Miles explain to Sayid that the others are protecting them at the temple. Also, there’s lots of marveling over the fact that Sayid’s wound is almost healed.

Prince shows up and he wants to speak to Sayid alone, but Jack ain’t havin’ it. In the scuffle that follows, Sawyer grabs a gun and tells them he’s leaving. Prince deals with the dirty feel on English on his tongue long enough to tell Sawyer that he has to stay and Sawyer is all, “I don’t have to do anything but be black and die.” Wait. What?

Kate offers to go after Sawyer ’cause she’s a master tracker. Jin offers to go for reasons unmentioned. I almost forgot he was there. Everyone is all, “What makes you think Sawyer will come back with you?” And Kate is all, “Look at me!”

In Los Angeles, Kate makes friends with a mechanic with a skewed moral compass and a need for $200. He removes her cuffs and gives her a place to change. She calls herself changing into Claire’s clothes… wait… did she think she was gonna wear maternity clothes? Anyway, she is surprised to find the suitcase filled with onesies and teddy bears. NOW she feels all sad? Did she not realize that the pregnant woman she put out on the side of the road might need the shit in her suitcase?! Kate sucks.

On the island, two of the Others prepare to go with Kate and Jin to find Sawyer. She and Jack share a goodbye and I try not to puke.

Prince tortures Sayid. Karma karma chameleon. At the end, they tell him he’s going to be okay… they’re lying.

Kate goes back to where she left Claire which is obviously so close to the airport you can hear the fucking planes taking off, but far enough that she felt comfortable enough to go back and not run into cops. Claire is, also miraculously, still there. kate offers to take Claire to where the adoptive parents live.

On the island, one of the Others (Aldo) tell Kate and Jin they are protecting them from the smoke monster. Aldo is super rude to Kate. Turns out, she knocked him out three years ago when she escaped from the Others back when Ben had his back surgery. Damn. He never heard of bygones. Kate does some badass knockout shit and escapes from him… again. Aldo sucks.

At the temple, Jack confronts Prince for torturing Sayid. He tells him that Sayid is infected and that Jack has to get him to take a pill. Jack is like, why didn’t you make him take it when you were torturing him? And Prince is like, first of all, we didn’t torture him, we diagnosed him and second, I don’t know him like that. He then taps into Jack’s “savior complex” and tells him he has to get Sayid to take the pill or else Sayid’s infection will spread.

Jack tells Hurley and Miles to scram (at least now Hurley has a “not now, the grown folks are talking” buddy) and tells Sayid about the pill. Sayid says he’ll take it if Jack tells him to ’cause you know, Jack’s advice so far has been spot on.

Kate tells Jin she’s going to catch up with Sawyer and he tells her he’s going to find his wife.

In Los Angeles, Claire shows up at the adoptive parents house and the wife is all, I’m not taking your baby because my husband left me and I can’t do it alone. And Kate is all, um, you coulda given a sistah a heads-up, a phone call, something! Claire goes into labor.

On the island, Kate finds Sawyer at his old house with Juliet. The Others camp is all jacked up because it’s present day and the smoke monster has been through there. Sawyer finds a box he had hidden an engagement ring in still in the floorboards from the 70’s. Awwww. Kate is all Nosy McNoserstein when Sawyer busts her. I kinda hoped he’d shoot her by accident.

In Los Angeles, Kate takes Claire to the emergency room. Her doctor is… Ethan!!! Dr. Ethan Goodspeed. He tells Claire she could have her baby today if she wanted, or he could stop the labor.Wow. Wish it were really that damn easy. Then the baby monitor loses his heartbeat and Claire almost has a … baby… but she calms down when they figure out that Aaron was just scooting his little ass around and they lost the heartbeat.

Back on the island, there’s some mushiness between Kate and Sawyer. She admits that she needs to find Claire and that she was hoping he could help her find her for Aaron. Sawyer blames himself for convincing Juliet to stay three years ago and now she’s dead.

I’m bored.

Jack goes to see Prince. Prince explains that he uses a translator because he keeps him separate from the people he’s in charge of. His name is something I can’t spell, so I’ma keep calling him Prince. He says he was brought to the island just like everyone else. He tells Jack that Sayid must take the pill, but he wont tell Jack what’s in it. Tell him for God’s sake! You only have 13 more hours left!

Jack swallows the pill and Prince hits him the throat and stomach till it comes out. Yeah, watching someone get hit in the throat never gets old. Prince finally admits it’s poison in the pill.

In Los Angeles, Claire covers for Kate when the cops come sniffing around. This part is so not believable. Claire says that Kate was just her cab driver, but I’m sure the real cabbie told the cops about Kate jackin’ his ride. Anyway, Claire gives Kate her credit card, and Kate, because she’s just triflin’ like that, takes it.

On the island, Sawyer goes back into his house and Kate leaves.

I’m still bored.

Prince can’t believe Jack swallowed the pill and gives him tea. I’m surprised that Jack drinks it, but then again, his throat must hurt. Prince tells Jack that they want to kill Sayid because they believe he has been “claimed.” There’s a darkness growing in Sayid and once it reaches his heart, everything he once was will be gone. Jack asks how Prince can be sure and he tells him,

“It happened to your sister.”

Ruh-roh.

Jin and his non-tracking ass gets snatched up by Aldo and Justin (the black Other.) Aldo wants to kill him, but Justin says they can’t because he’s “one of them.” Aldo says, “He may be one of them.” Very interesting for next week.

Anyway, someone shoots them before they can kill Jin. It’s Claire looking all bushwoman crazy a la Danielle!

Snoopy McSnooperstein

I would like to point out right away that I was not snooping on purpose. Oh, I was snooping, but it was because the opportunity to do so kinda fell in my lap. Like, when you find a dollar on the street. You don’t walk around looking for dollars on the street, but when one presents itself, you’d be a dumbass not to take it.

And, quite frankly, even if I were looking to snoop, it would be my right seeing as how I carried her for nine months and went through 26 hours of labor (24 without drugs) and pushed her out in 53 minutes which, I’m told, is a Herculean-like feat for a first time pusher.

And really, let’s blame Facebook. And Farmville while we’re at it. It’s not my fault that Kali got bored with Farmville after a week forcing me to log in to her Facebook account and tend to her farm because really, I take my farming very fucking seriously. And, and, and, it’s not my fault Facebook allows two people to be logged in to the same account from separate laptops thus allowing me to see everything that is going on with her account in real time.

Note: So, if you are a parent looking for a way to snoop, there you have it. You’re welcome. And don’t feel bad, damnit. It is your God-given right!

Usually, I give Kali a heads-up that I am logging in to her account so she can log out. It is so annoying to have her little chat boxes popping up when I’m trying to harvest my crops. A grown ass woman can only take but so much OMGs and LOLs and my personal favorite, OMGCYBI?!!111!?

Last night I didn’t tell her I was logging in because I planned on being in and out. I posted a feather collection and I wanted her to snatch one. (Don’t judge me!) So, there I am waiting for Farmville to load when a chat box pops up. (I’d also like to point out that Kali has about 12 chat boxes minimized at the bottom of her screen. I honestly don’t know how she does it.)

So, this chat box pops up and it’s from a little boy in her class. Let’s call him “David.” And I’m pretty sure he’s the little boy pulled from school early the day Obama gave his speech to students and he told Kali, “My parents don’t like Obama and black people.”

Fucking lovely. Tell me again how this sudden surge in anti-government/anti-Obama rhetoric is not about race at all.

Anyway, the box pops up and little David says…

“Xena says that you think I like you cause I keep sending you game invites.”

Note: I am totally going to correct the spelling in the retelling because typing all of those “u’s” and ur’s” gave me a headache.

And Kali says….

“Um, no.”

“Oh, ok. Because no offense, but I don’t like you like that.”

Well, fuck you, little twerp.

He continues…

“Can I ask you a question? Do you like me and do you like anyone in our class?”

And my girl replies…

“Um, that sounds like two questions and the answer to both is no.”

My daughter is fucking awesome!

“OK. Well, can I tell you who I do like?”

“Sure.”

“You have to promise not to tell anyone.”

“I swear.”

“Destiny.”

“WOW. I didn’t see that coming.”

Neither did I, ’cause not for nothing, Destiny sounds like a black girl’s name and I can bet mini-David Duke’s parents ain’t having it. I should probably point out that – in case this is your first time on my site – I am black, my husband is white and Kali looks white. Like, could totally pass if she wanted to. Thankfully, she doesn’t.

Then he clarifies….

“The white one, not the black one.”

“Oh.”

Oh.

At this point, my daughter starts a new chat with another friend.

“I KNOW WHO DAVID LIKES!!!”

When I tell this to Donny his response is, “Our daughter is trifling.”

“I know, right?”

What follows is five minutes of this kid trying to get my daughter to admit that she likes ANYONE in their class and my daughter telling him she doesn’t. Either that, or it was five minutes of Kali realizing I was in her account and not setting herself up for an ass-whipping.

So, Donny posts a gold egg and I go to Kali’s home page to get one. (Hey, what did I say about the judging!?) And I see this status update from one of her other friends. We’ll call her “Angela.”

“I love my boyfriend soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much!”

OMGCYBI!?!?11?!

Another little girl leaves a comment asking, “Who is your boyfriend?” And I’m guessing Angela tells her privately because dumbass comes back and leaves another comment saying, “Harrison? Really?” (We’re just gonna call him “Harrison.”)

Then, a few comments down, Harrison weighs in…

“And I have the best girlfriend ever!”

People, these kids are TEN. TEN! 10. 1-0. One-Zero. Just barely into double fucking digits ten!

At this point, I’m ready to chime in that these kids need Jesus, but I’d be doing so under Kali’s name thus ensuring she will never have friends or a boyfriend of her own… and suddenly, the idea doesn’t seem so bad.

“Nina! Log out of her account. Stop being nosy. You’re invading her privacy!”

“Are you new? She doesn’t have privacy! She’s ten! Also, she knows that I do this. I warned her. If she says or does something she knows I wouldn’t like, then she wants to get caught!”

Then an IM pops up from a little girl we shall call “Megan.” I don’t like Megan. Megan is grown and mean. Megan wears inappropriate clothes and influenced some inappropriate internet activity over a year ago. Megan’s partner-in-crime, a boy we shall call “Pete”, also sent Kali a Facebook friend request which I promptly “ignored.” She’s lucky I let her be Megan’s friend online… but only because I monitor.

So, I’ve seen IMs from Megan before and I can just tell what kind of teen she’s going to be. She’s going to be like all the girls I hated in junior high school and high school: catty, petty, jealous, boy-crazy, and sometimey. I want Kali to learn early that that isn’t the way to be. More importantly, I want her to learn how to not give a fuck when girls around her are that way. So far, it’s a hard lesson to drive home.

I scroll back and read the conversation from earlier that evening. Several times Megan referred to people or things as being “gay” which reinforced my belief that she’s a bitch-in-training. The rest of the conversation was her having a hissy fit because Kali wasn’t writing her back fast enough even when Kali explained several times that she wasn’t feeling well and even when Kali explained that she had been away from her laptop eating dinner.

“Fine. If you don’t write me back in five seconds, I am never talking to you again,” she wrote at one point when Kali was in the bathroom.

“5….4….3….2….”

“What?”

“Too late. BYE KALI!”

“Wait! What are you talking about?”

“I told you, you had five seconds to answer and you didn’t.”

“I was in the bathroom.”

‘Whateva.”

I couldn’t take it anymore. I typed,

“Goodbye, Megan!”

What I wanted to type was, “Goodbye, bitch,” but I’m adult and she’s ten and I ain’t tryna go to jail. It’s 9pm now and Kali’s laptop shuts off automatically. I hear her in the other room playing with Jack, but Megan is still typing away – threatening Kali that she’ll never speak to her again if she doesn’t answer her RIGHT NOW. Then, out of the blue, she asks…

“Have you ever kissed a girl?”

“Megan, this is Kali’s mother. Her laptop is off. She is not allowed online after 9pm. She is getting ready for school tomorrow.”

Like your little ass needs to be.

“Oh. OK. I’m sorry.”

Donny turns to me, “Do you feel better now?”

“No.”

I will feel better when Megan is no longer around my daughter in any capacity. I will feel better when we move in two weeks and Kali is in a new school and can start over. Oh, I’m sure the ten-year-olds in the new school are no different/better, but still.

I will feel better when I know that Kali realizes that calling something “gay” isn’t cool. I will feel better when Kali realizes that having a boyfriend at ten is out of the fucking question. I will feel better when Kali realizes that a ten-year-old girl asking another ten-year-old girl if she’s ever kissed a girl or boy is inappropriate. I will feel better when little David is old enough to decide for himself if he’s going to be a racist fuckstick or a decent human being so I don’t have to worry about my daughter associating with him in any fashion.

And that’s just a start.

A House Is A House Is A House

As I type this, I am dying.

I know what you’re thinking, “We’re all dying. Get over it, bitch.”

No. I am really dying. My throat is on fire, my body aches, I have chills, and to top it all off, my hair is a hot ass mess. (One day, I will figure out how to be sick and maintain a fabulous head of hair, but today ain’t that day.)

So, this whole dying thing wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for the fact that…

1. I am a Mommy and Mommies can’t get sick. Why? Because no matter how awesome Daddy is (and I think we all know that my husband is pretty fucking awesome. He’s like, 1045x more awesome than your husband, and you know it) Daddy just can’t get shit done like Mommy. Never mind that my husband does all of the cooking and cleaning, because the moment I get sick, he like, stops. I don’t get it. I really don’t. It’s like, he gets sick by association. Sympathy sick. I don’t know. All I know is I woke up this morning, went downstairs for the first time since Friday evening and realized that my whole first floor was a hot fucking mess (not to be confused with hot ass mess which is the current state of my hair. Pay attention!)

2. I have shit to do!

So, we’re moving and moving sucks. No. It really, really does. Don’t believe me? Gee, I’d count all the ways moving sucks but I seriously don’t have the time, energy, or bandwidth to adequately relay the amount of suckage moving incorporates.

And our move particularly sucks donkey balls because we are downsizing. When we moved here, we were upsizing (yes, I made that word up. I can do that. It’s my blog.) Super-sizing, if you will. We went from two bedrooms, living room, 2.5 baths, kitchen, dining room to four bedrooms, bonus room, family room, kitchen, 3 full baths, formal living room, and formal dining room.

When you’re packing for a bigger house you don’t have to be so picky and decision-making-y.

“What’s that? A closet full of clothes you never wear? Take them all! Have you seen the master closet? It’s like a mini-bedroom. It’s like, bigger than that room under the stairs the Dursleys made Harry Potter sleep in! We’re gonna have so much room. We’re gonna be like the motherfucking Clampetts!”

When you’re downsizing? Not so much. We had big plans for rooms we never went into. I could go months without going into the formal living room. There are rooms that were never fully furnished. I mean, it’s kinda hard to afford furniture for the house when you’re busy trying to, oh, I don’t know, afford the fucking house! And not just the house itself, but the cost of heating the house.

Between doing the flat bill every month, then cancelling the flat bill cause I swore we could do better than what they were charging, then falling a month behind, then having them tack on the difference for cancelling the flat bill, and a late fee and carry the two… agggh… so I called the electric company on Friday and I said, “How much do I have to pay you right now to be current?”
And she said….

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

Wait.

For.

It.

$806!

“Eight hundred and six dollars?!”

She started to give me a bill breakdown and I asked her if she could just please shut her filthy mouth. Then I went online and paid the $806 and tried not to vomit. I was comforted by the fact that in a few short weeks I’d be in a much smaller house that didn’t cost a kajillion dollars to heat/cool.

So, where was I? Oh yeah, so we’re trying to fit big house stuff into smaller house and it’s a pain in the ass. I have found that I am not only emotionally attached to the house, but I’m tethered to the stuff in the house and even moreso when I realize that the stuff isn’t going to make the five minute trip up the road to the new subdivision.

“But I love that futon!” I wailed after Donny explained we’d have to trash the futon we purchased back when we got our very first one bedroom apartment together. (See. When you upsize, EVERYTHING goes with you!)

“Nina. You don’t even use the futon.”

He was right, of course. It resides in our bonus room (the kid’s playroom), and I probably sit my ass on it once a week and that’s only when I go in there to extend the programs on the TiVo.

Other items not making the trip? A twin bed, a dresser, one of our dining tables, and my elliptical.

Wait. What?

Donny claims we won’t have room for it. I’m not a big fan of exercise equipment in the bedroom. I think it looks tacky and it inevitably ends up being a very expensive hamper. First, it was in the family room because that’s where the Wii is and I figured I could do Wii Fit, then the elliptical. Then we moved it to the formal living room because I thought it made the family room cluttered and we’d recently redecorated/painted. But there isn’t a TV in the formal living room and I can’t work out without a TV, right? So, I made my husband lug the monstrosity up to the bonus room, and I can’t quite remember what my excuse was for not using it up there.

Oh, yeah. I’m lazy.

And let’s not even talk about the nursery. Seriously. I cannot bring myself to pack it up. Longtime readers will remember the money and care, but more importantly money, that went into preparing that room for Jack. I mean, I gave up a pair of Louboutins for that nursery! Yes, I won a bet and hit my weight loss goal before getting pregnant and my reward was to be a $700 pair of shoes which I decided would be irresponsible (well, MORE irresponsible) considering the fact that we had a baby on the way and they can’t eat or sleep in designer shoes. No matter how fabulous they are.

And never mind the fact that Jack has not once, not one time, not even half a time, slept in that room. That’s not the point! The point is, it’s his room and I designed it and it’s special because he is special and I said so. So, dismantling the crib that he has not once, not one time, not even half a time, slept in has fallen to Donny because I am too emotional to do it.

And also, I’m lazy.

Isn’t the crib going to the new house, you ask? Well, yes. But again, you people are missing the point.

And it’s not like the new house isn’t about seven, no eight, kinds of awesome. Because it is. Beautiful hardwood floors on the entire first floor, new countertops, awesome his and her master bath sinks, and kickass toilets that normally cost approximately$456,987.33 but because the current owner works for Home Depot and waited for them to go on sale, he got them for like, $20. Right now you’re probably thinking, “Doesn’t Donny work for….” Don’t. Even. Say. It. (Donny thanks you.)

Anyway, it’s a downgrade in size, but an upgrade in so many regards, especially financial and I’m trying to be grateful. Actually, I am grateful. And excited.

It would just be great if I didn’t feel like death warmed over right now.

Happy Monday! How’s yours going?

How Jenna Found Out I Loved Her – Part 3

Click here to read part one.

Click here to read part two.

Everything changed the weekend of the hiking trip. The church had organized a team-building outing for the youth group. I wasn’t very athletic and just the thought of hiking made my head ache. I would go because Jenna was going and my mother had insisted that Eloise and I participate in anything church related.

We rode the church bus to the park; Eloise wore frayed shorts from Goodwill and a pair of sneakers that used to be mine. The running sneakers looked new since I’d barely worn them. My father complained that I wasn’t more active. My mother did as well, but for a totally different reason. My father longed to have a child that was good at something, anything. Someone he could brag about to co-workers and root for at sporting events. Eloise was really good at volleyball, but he didn’t notice. My mother complained about idle hands being the devil’s workshop. My hands weren’t idle; they wrote furiously.

Jenna sat in front of us, next to Carrie, and across the aisle from Jacob. The youth leaders, Elizabeth and Brian, a married couple in their twenties, sat at the front of the bus and tried to encourage a sing-along. No one seemed interested. We arrived at the park and were given the agenda for the day; we’d hike the trail and rest for lunch and some activities. Afterwards, we’d hike back to the bus and be home in time for dinner.

We set off, everyone carrying a backpack with water and food. A few people took pictures. I made mental notes for my nightly journal entry. I didn’t bring it with me because I didn’t want to answer questions about it. I’d have to rely on memory to accurately describe the Georgia spring day that felt more like summer or the way Jenna squealed when a bee flew too close to her face.

We’d walked for an hour before coming to the clearing where we’d have lunch. I’d packed food for Eloise and I; peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, grapes, and carrot sticks. Elizabeth handed out bottles of water and we ate in silence before the exercises began. Everyone took turns standing atop a cooler with our backs to the rest of the group. Brian instructed the person on the cooler to fold his arms across his chest and fall backwards. The rest of the group was charged with catching him. I childishly considered not reaching out to catch Jacob when it was his turn, but knew that wouldn’t be very Christian.

When it came time for the dozen or so of us to sit in a circle for a sharing activity, I was surprised when Eloise didn’t sit next to me, but rather directly across the clearing. My surprise turned to pride when I thought that this was the point of the whole trip – to open up, to grow, to trust not just others, but yourself. Eloise couldn’t be by my side every time she went out in public. I’d be graduating next year and she’d have to learn to get along without me. Perhaps she’d realized this before I did.

We did some word association exercises where we had to say the first thing that popped into our head upon hearing words like, “Jesus,” “Faith,” and “Heaven.” We then went around the circle to divulge our greatest fears. When it was my turn I confessed that I worried I would not get into a good college and that I’d have to stay in our small town forever.

“That’s a lie.”

The whole group turned in the direction of the accusation. Eloise sat with her legs crossed and resting in her lap was my red leather notebook. Confusion over how and why she had it caused a delay in my reaction and so she was already opening it and reading, before I found my voice. And even then all I could manage was a weak, “Eloise?”

She read aloud as if I hadn’t spoken. Gone was the low-timbered voice that read from the bible in class, and in its place was a loud, assertive, and animated voice – like she was auditioning for a movie.

“Jenna is the most beautiful girl in school. In town. In the world. She asked me for a ride today after school. She needed to buy balloons for one of Carrie’s stupid parties. I agreed because I got to spend time with her alone. Time with Jenna without Jacob the mouth-breather lurking about, flexing his muscles and time without Carrie around talking about herself. I got to sit alone with her in my car and…”

“Samantha?”

Elizabeth’s voice, using my full name, called somewhere in the distance, but I was still watching Eloise read from my journal. She didn’t look up to see the reaction she was receiving by bearing my secrets and my soul. I was only vaguely aware of Jacob looking first amused and then angry, Carrie’s mixture of repulsion and annoyance and finally Jenna’s embarrassment and shock.

“In a perfect world,” Eloise continued to read, “I could tell Jenna I loved her and she’d love me back. But the world isn’t perfect – at least not our corner of it. In our world, I have to pretend to be something other than what I am. I have to pretend that I don’t want to kiss her every time…”

“Eloise!” I’d finally found my voice. Eloise stopped then, calmly lying my book face down in her lap as if it were hers. As if it had every right to be there and hadn’t been stolen from my room… when? The last time I remembered having it was the night before after dinner. She must have taken it early that morning while I was getting ready for the trip. The how wasn’t important though.

“Why?”

Eloise did not answer. She just looked at me with my father’s eyes before turning to Brian who had started to speak. “Perhaps we’ve had enough for today. Everyone gather your things. We’re heading back.” Eloise stood, walked across the clearing and dropped my notebook into my lap. It had served its purpose.

No one spoke to me or Eloise as we made our way back to the bus. I had a whole hour to figure out what had happened and why, yet I couldn’t come up with an answer that made any sense. Everyone paired up once again when choosing seats on the bus except this time, everyone gave both Eloise and I a wide berth. Rows of seats separated us from everyone else yet I could still hear snippets of hushed conversations.

Lesbian, gross, dyke, gay, and Jenna, did you know?

“Of course I didn’t know!” Jenna had responded with such disgust that my love for her immediately shriveled into a ball of shame that sat in my gut. It would remain there through the remainder of my junior year and grow as I was further shunned my senior year. It would cause fights between my first girlfriend and I my third year of college when I thought I’d finally been free to be myself. It would take many years for that ball to dissolve and allow me to breathe, to accept myself, to be a lesbian.

But that afternoon, on the bus back to town, that ball sat and pressed against my very soul. I wanted to vomit up lunch the way Eloise had spewed my secret.

“Why, Eloise? Why would you do this to me?” I whispered my plea to her erect profile. She wouldn’t look at me and I wasn’t sure I’d get an answer. If she’d read the whole journal, or any of the old ones, she had to know that I loved her too. I tried to protect her and I wanted nothing but good things for her. I’d always been on her side.

“I didn’t do it to you. I did it to her.” Eloise answered, but still didn’t look at me.

And it became clear. Eloise didn’t strike out at me or even Jenna. She was striking back against the woman who had forced her to live in a closet and had denied her birthday parties. She was striking back against the woman who’d kept a foot against her back since the day she came to live with us. Eloise had decided that hurting me was a small price to pay to bring public shame and humiliation to the woman who’d treated her like an inconvenient errand for five years.

Eloise had struck back against my mother.

24 – Day 8, 8pm-9pm

Previously on 24: Agent Ortiz saves president Hassan’s life. It’s revealed that Hassan’s brother was in on the attack. The assassin’s body is emitting hazardous gas. Bazhaev confirms he has possession of the rods. Renee Walker goes back undercover with the Russians to foil their plans. In the process, she cuts a man’s hand off.

The following takes places between 8pm and 9pm…

In Kamistan, a general gets a call from Hassan’s bro. The general is annoyed that the plan hasn’t gone as planned. Hassan’s bro assures him that he almost has his hands on the uranium.

Bazhaev’s son is dying. He refuses to let his son go to a doctor because it could lead the authorities right to him. His other son convinces Bazhaev to at least let the dying son die at the country house instead in a room behind the kitchen. I mean, damn.

Hassan’s bro assures Bazhaev that the money will be transferred soon. Bazhaev sets him up with some hookers to keep him busy in the meantime.

Jack and Renee tend to Stumpy’s wounds and Jack wants to call Hastings to dime Renee out. She convinces him not to. Jack leaves and Stumpy wakes up. He’s all salty about his fucked up situation, but gets over it when Renee talks about how much money he’ll get.

Redneck Kevin calls Starbuck Dana at work and continues to be a pain in the ass. He threatens to tell Ortiz about Dana’s past if she doesn’t come home.

In the car, Stumpy is chugging vodka and talking about Vladimir and Renee, she quickly shuts him up because he’s obviously about to say some shit she doesn’t want Jack to hear.

Chloe calls Jack to tell him his cover story has been uplinked. He asks her to look into everything between Renee and Vladimir.

Joseph, Bazhaev’s non-dying son, decides to take his brother to a doctor instead of the country house to die.

Hassan admits to his wife that he thought he loved Reed. She wants him to say it. He says they are both to blame for their unhappy marriage. He begs her not to leave. She says she’s outtie.

Stumpy goes inside to soften up Vladimir first. Vladimir is Leoben from BSG! I love him!! He wants to kill Stumpy, but he pauses when he hears Renee is in the car. Vladimir’s man, Hugo, says he believes Stumpy, but he never trusted Renee. Vladimir doesn’t think Renee is the one that ratted them out. He is obviously whipped.

Ortiz is looking for Starbuck Dana, and Arlo tells him that she went home. He looks confused. Well, more confused than usual.

Starbuck Dana goes home and finds Redneck Kevin has some loser in her house. She offers him money to leave and he slaps her around. She swears she didn’t testify against him. He wants her to use her CTU access to get him at least six figures.

Doesn’t CTU give everyone guns? Why doesn’t she just kill his ass?

Chloe tells Jack that it looks Vladimir beat Renee’s ass a few times. He asks if he raped her, and Chloe says there’s nothing in the file about that. Jack knows that Renee tried to kill herself at least once, and that more is going on.

Vladimir’s men pat Renee down. Chloe and Jack feed her answers to gain his trust, but he still puts them in a trunk.

Joseph threatens a doctor with killing his family if he doesn’t help his brother.

Vladimir  pulls over and Jack realizes they’ve been following a decoy vehicle.

Jack tells Renee they are ten minutes out and to stall.

Vladimir shoots Stumpy, but Renee refuses to beg. He wants to know who she is. She says she has nowhere to go and no one to go to. She demands that he kills her, and of course he doesn’t. They dump Stumpy in the river. Jack calls off the backup Hastings had waiting to intercept.

They bought Renee’s cover.

Tick… tock… tick… tock…

BIOBaby: Jack’s First Haircut

I folded like a card table. Back in November, I took Jack to get his first haircut.

Two pics of early morning bedhead.

It has since grown back.

Next up: pics of Kali’s first haircut in ten years.

Battlestar Galactica: The Plan

BSG: The Plan is a two-hour movie that tells the saga of Battlestar Galactica from the point of view of the Cylons. We were told for years that they had a plan, but there has been massive speculation as to what that plan was. BSG:TP lays it all out for us as we follow two Cylons (two Cavils) during the months after the Cylon attack.

F. Cavil, who we first saw during the series counciling a grieving Tyrol, lived amongst the colonial fleet and C. Cavil lived on Cylon-occupied Caprica with the resistance fighters.

Going into BSG: TP we know this: The final five Cylons were technically among the first. They were descendants of the Cylons (skinjobs) that left for Earth when they split from the 12 colonies of humans that left Kobol. The Cylons on Earth made Centurions that evolved and turned on them. The Five perfected resurrection and used that technology to escape once the Centurions waged war against the Earth Cylons. They traveled 2,000 to stop the 12 colonies from making the same mistake, but they were too late. The colonists had already made their own Centurions who’d also evolved and rebelled. The Five convinced the Centurions Cylons to stop the war in exchange for their knowledge of resurrection.

They created 13 models of Cylons that looked human – just as they did. The Cavil model grew jealous of one model and killed the whole line. He then killed The Five and programmed their resurrected selves to believe they were human. He placed them amongst the humans where they lived for years. They then continued to crank out hundreds of copies of the other models, none of which knew their true origin or the identities of the Five. They plotted revenge on the humans and launched a sneak nuclear attack against the colonies.

Their plan was simple: kill all of the humans. They didn’t count on a band of resourceful resistance fighters on Caprica and they damn sure didn’t count on close to 50,000 survivors led by the lone battlestar to survive the attacks: Galactica.

As BSG: TP opens we learn that Cavil thought the final five would die in the attacks and resurrect aboard a Cylon baseship filled with gratitude. He thought their time as humans would make them see the light: humans are greedy, selfish, and undeserving of their love. They should be annihilated. Of course, it didn’t work out that way. Each of the five survived the attack. That, and the fact that some Cylons are starting to doubt that they’re doing the right thing, leads to all kinds of changes in “the plan.”

What makes BSG: TP so damn awesome, and it is truly awesome, is the little nods to history and the answers to questions big and small. Like:

• In the miniseries, after Caprica Six parts with Gaius in the courtyard, she hands off a case to someone we never see. “It’s about time you got here.” That person was Cavil.
• When Ellen Tigh is found she says that “a mysterious stranger” rescued her. We see in BSG: TP that during the attack she was in a bar with Cavil who introduced himself as “a mysterious stranger.”
• The Cylon base stars are shaped as they are because they were designed to turn so that their points line up.
• Baltar is the one who slips the note to Adama revealing that there were 12 Cylon models.
• F. Cavil orchestrated the attempt to discredit Baltar’s Cylon Detector by instructioning the Shelly Six to show up with the doctored video.

• The Leoben fascination with Starbuck – we see where it begins and how he came to believe that she had a destiny.
• Boomer had conscious conversations with F. Cavil where they plotted the sabatoge of Galactica like ruining the water supply.

There are some new tidbits as well:

• There was a Simon model living on Gemenon. He was married with a child. There was also a Simon model living with the resistance fighters on Cylon-occupied Caprica.
• Tori survived the attack because she was headed to the airport and some surviving flights acted as rescue flights and helped nearby people off the planet.
• F. Cavil used religious phamplets to reach out to the still-undiscovered Cylons living amongst the fleet.
• There was a copy of every Cylon model living in the fleet.

What really works is the contrast between the two Cavils and two new Simons not seen during the series. The Cavil living with the fleet remains hell-bent on the destruction of man and the one with the resistance fighters begins to have doubts. There’s a Simon living with the fleet too. He’s married with a stepdaughter and wants to continue living as human, but F. Cavil wont hear of it. Meanwhile, the Simon on Cylon-occupied revels in destorying man (and performing experiments on the female-survivors) and doesn’t get the change of heart of the C. Cavil. We get to see how the plan had to be changed and improvised as Cylon agents screwed up sabotage attempts or Galactica just proved to be too formidable.

The movie also does a good job of providing insight into the Cylon psychology. For instance, I found it interesting that though they knew they would download and ressurect, most Cylons were still apprehensive about experiencing “death.” And Cavil’s obsession with gaining the approval of his “parents” (The Final Five) is fascinating. You see it the whole time he’s living with the unsuspecting Anders on Cylon-occupied Caprica.

Fans of the show, diehard fans anyway, will recognize how old scenes have been reimagined with new footage and perspectives.

I honestly could have seen this go on for hours, but The Plan stops just as the two Cavils are reunited (and outed/airlocked) aboard Galactica. Of course, we know the story from there.

If you’ve been trying to ease the dull ache left by BSG’s ending this movie may help… somewhat. The opening scene with that haunting score by the awesome Bear McCreary made me both happy and sad. During the commentary Jane Espenson (writer) mentioned that there was originally going to be three post-finale movies, but they decided on one. Such a shame. But this one gets the job done. It answers questions you didn’t even know you had and it gives us one last glimpse into that wonderful BSG mythology we miss so much.

Dexter – S4E3 – Blinded By The Light

Previously on Dexter: Dexter’s newborn baby boy is cutting into his sleep and killing time. When a murderer walks due to his sleep-deprived courtroom screw-up, Dexter decides taking care of him will solve one of his problems. Lt. Laguerta and Batista carry on a secret affair. A new serial killer (John Lithgow) called The Trinity Killer is in town, recreating his decades-old crimes one after the other.

Agent Lundy returns to town and seeks Dexter’s help in catching the Trinity Killer. Falling asleep at the wheel, Dexter crashes his car with the remains of his latest victim in the trunk.

Due to his head injury, Dexter can’t remember where he hid his latest victim’s body before the crash. Lundy reaches out to Deborah, who thinks he wants to rekindle their relationship. She feels like a fool when she realizes he just wants her help with the  Trinity Killer, who, by the way, has already started stalking his next victim.

And now…

Rita corners Dexter at a neighborhood BBQ – she’s upset that he lied about the seriousness of his accident. She can be so annoying.

Dexter and his new neighbors discuss starting a watch group to catch a neighborhood vandal. Dexter muses that he’s used to working alone to catch the bad guys.

That night, TK (Trinity Killer) makes the lady he’s been stalking drive to a building near the docks. He takes her a top floor and makes her jump.

Anton tells Deborah he has a local gig that will keep him home every day. She doesn’t look thrilled.

Dexter finds the fresh hell of being driven to work every day by Rita who won’t let him stop for a second cup of coffee. See, she’s annoying.

Quinn gives Dexter Miami Dolphins tickets – he knows that Dexter saw him pocket money from a crime scene. Dexter gives the tickets to Masouka.

At the latest TK crime scene, Lundy shows up and admits to Deborah that he’s happy the TK chose Miami – he got to see her again. She’s all atwitter.

Dexter is put off at the neighborhood watch meeting when he realizes that the neighbors will be watching his comings and goings. This puts a serious cramp in his serial killing. He suspects the neighbor’s teenage boy, Andy, as being the vandal. He realizes he needs to out him soon in order to disband the group and ensure his ability to come and go as he pleases. He lifts the boy’s prints from a soda can and matches it to the prints of the person who grafittied his gate.

Anton notices a change in Deborah’s behavior when she has a lunch/meeting with Lundy. She’s still atwitter.

LaGuerta and Batista are shot at by the suspect couple in the vacation killings.

Dexter, pretending to be on neighborhood watch duty, decides to put the fear of God in Andy. Before he can make his move, the neighborhood watch group chase him.

“It’s watch and report, assholes. Not watch and chase. This is so humiliating.”

Dexter has to flee from the makeshift cops with flashlight headbands and whistles. Hilarious.

Masouka tries to sell the Dolphins tickets to Deborah and Quinn while they’re performing a dummy drop at the latest TK scene. Quinn is pissed that Dexter gave away his bribe.

LaGuerta and Batista have to get their stories straight about the shooting. They left the office at noon and didn’t get to the scene where they were shot at until after 3pm. They decide to come up with a lunch/flat tire story to hide their afternoon delight.

Dexter tries, once again, to convince Quinn that he doesn’t give a shit if Quinn is dirty. Quinn tells Dexter he wouldn’t understand what it’s like to be a cop.

Deborah and Dexter have a heart-to-heart. They’re both feeling crowded at home. Neither believe that the jumper at the TK scene was a suicide.

Dexter has to have a talk with Aster who is all moody-tween. He is always embarrassing her in front of Andy who she is obviously crushing on.

I think I liked Rita and her kids better when they were just the white trash family Dexter was spending time with to seem normal.

Deborah lies to Anton about working late when she’s really meeting Lundy for drinks to discuss TK.

Dexter hears the vandal hard at work and decides to hide in Andy’s room to scare his ass when he returns. But Andy’s in his room. Dexter sees it’s the Dad that’s been doing the vandalizing. He shines his headband light into the Dad’s eyes as he corners him in the basement. He tells him he needs to stop what he’s doing or he will come back and leave with the man’s head in a bag… and he already has the bag.

The Dad jumps bad and Dexter beats him down. He’s miserable because he lost his wife and the bank is going to take his house. Dexter is like, “You gonna lose more than that if you keep it up.” The Dad finally agrees to stop.

On his way home, he triggers his neighbor’s security lights and takes them out with a rake… and he’s busted by Rita.