Mommy Monday: You Can’t Make Me!

I am painfully aware that everything I do is allowed only because my children are feeling charitable. Take changing Jack’s diaper for instance. Sometimes he lays there nice and calm and allows me to do what I have to do. Other times, he throws a major fit like his ass is covered in paper cuts and I’m using salt-soaked wipes. During the times that he lays quietly, he kinda eyes me like, “Yeah, that’s right. Make sure you get under that scrotum real good.”

And then I realize I’m his bitch.

With Kali, it’s a different story. And though I’m not one of those “because I said so” parents – I’ll supply a reason for why I’m making her do something or forbidding another – it is expressly understood that once I give my reasoning, she will abide no matter what.

So, I was very firm in my decision to force Kali to participate in a book club at school. Every two weeks they meet after school to discuss a book and practice quizzing each other on it. Next month, they will compete against other schools’ clubs that have read the same books. Personally, my nerdy ass thought it sounded like a lot of fun. Kali? Not so much.

I told myself that this wasn’t the same as parents that suit up their kids to play sports two seconds after they learn to walk without any idea if the child 1. has any desire to play the sport and 2. is any good at it. Hell, Kali’s 10! I know she likes to read.

“I hate to read!,” she yelled recently when I told her that she could not quit the club.

How could any child of mine hate reading? Then I remembered that she was, indeed, my child and therefore prone to exaggeration.

“You like to read!”

“Well,” she said, “I don’t like to read the books in the club. They’re boring.”

She had a point. Of the half dozen books assigned so far, only two have been anything Kali would have chosen on her own. The rest were boring books about dogs on the open range and little Native American girls.

The club isn’t fun for her, but I’m remiss to let her quit. What kind of message is that sending? Or is it okay to encourage quitting something you forced them to do anyway? Am I just as bad as those parents living out their varsity dreams via their offspring?

I think I’ve come up with a solution. I still think reading and discussing books is a good thing. It teaches them to really think about what they’ve read and see things from other perspectives. With that in mind, Kali and I will have our own book club.

We’ll read the same book and discuss it. We’ll come up with a handful of questions each to go over together. Any of you are welcome to join in with your kid of the same age (or close to it.)

So, where should we start? I’m thinking of starting with the Percy Jackson books. Here’s the trailer for the movie based on the first book.

So, suggest some titles for Kali and I. And don’t judge me when I force her to read the Harry Potter series.

Shower Power

Back in April, I wrote about Kali’s reluctance to bathe. It wasn’t that she liked being dirty and/or smelly, she just had better things to do. She refused to slow down long enough to bathe because she would miss something happening downstairs, on TV, or outside the window. Why slow down to bathe when there were shows to watch, books to read, and video games to play? In short, she had shit to do.

But then Jack came along, outgrew his baby tub (sorry, Amy), and he became fascinated with standing by the side of the tub in the master bathroom as Kali was forced to take her nightly bath. Well, what really fascinated him was tossing objects in the tub, laughing as his sister squealed and ducked flying dirty underwear, toothpaste tubes, and hand towels, before Donny or I would drag him out of there. When he started stripping off his diaper and trying to climb in the tub with her, we realized we could kill several dirty birds with one stone – if we let him in the tub with Kali they’d both bathe, we’d get at least fifteen minutes of quiet time, and Kali wouldn’t get beaned with toilet paper rolls. Win/win/win. What we didn’t count on was Jack now tossing everything IN the tub out, and getting the floor soaking wet in the process.

Kali, sick of cleaning up after her brother and the responsibility of cleaning the tub before and after bathing, decided that she was finally ready to take her first shower. I helped her prepare by showing her how to adjust the temperature and stream of the water. I showed her how I usually draped my towel over the door so it’s ready when I’m done and told her where she could hang her loofah after she bathed. And, we were off…

Her first shower lasted 15 minutes, the second lasted 20. We are now at the point where I have to go looking for her to make sure she hasn’t drowned.

“Oh, Mommy! It’s so awesome! When you turn your back to the water it feels soooo good!”

I have created a monster. Albeit a very clean one, but a monster all the same. A monster that apparently doesn’t understand water bills or the concept of “using up all the hot water.” I find myself having to time my own showers around her schedule for, you see, she likes using my shower because it has a cool frosted door and resembles something out of an amusment park. Her own shower, by comparison, was too old school with its plastic shower liner and blue cloth curtain. Don’t ask me how one who just discovered the joys of a hot shower can be so damn picky.

But, I guess, I shouldn’t complain. My child finally, without having to be bribed or harassed, regularly, and enthusiastically washes her ass.

Language, Language

I have the pottiest of all potty mouths. My mouth is a veritable cesspool of filth and f-bombs, molars and motherfuckers, incisors and… a really bad word that starts with an i.

I like cursing. It makes me feel better when I’m mad or stressed. Some people meditate, I yell obscenities. I think both are preferable alternatives to breaking dishes or choking the shit outta someone so, don’t judge me.

And yes, I curse in front of my children. Maybe I curse because adults cursed around me when I was young. Who knows? I really don’t buy into these theories that state that what’s done around you as a child shapes the kind of adult you’re going to be. Some people who grew up with F-bombs dropped like they were hot, never curse. Some people who got regular spankings as a child, never raise a hand to their own children. Maybe we are going to be who we are going to be regardless.

Kali, as far as I know, doesn’t curse. I say this with the same certainty that a parent who never curses around their child can. We can never be 100% sure what our kids are (or aren’t) doing when we’re not around. She says she doesn’t and I believe her. This is the same child that once refused to tell me the “c word” a fellow student had used in school. My mind raced. I asked myself, “Cunt? Cock? Cracker-ass-cracker? What could it be?”

She decided to spell it.

“C-R…”

Why would a little white boy call someone a cracker-ass-cracker, I wondered.

“…A-P.”

“Crap?! He said crap, Kali?!”

“Yes, that’s a bad word.”

So, you see what I’m dealing with. I hope that Kali, if she decides to start cursing, does so the way I did. I never cursed in front of my parents until I was an adult (a.k.a Grown Ass Woman), I cursed as a teen with my friends, I was never one of those teens to curse around other adults, and as an adult I don’t just curse in public willy-nilly (in the market, in the workplace, etc.) and around other people’s children. If I slip, I apologize, correct myself, and make sure not to do again. Most times, the parent will wave their hand and inform me that, “oh, they’ve heard worse at home.”

I don’t think that cursing is an indication of intelligence. Anyone that does is a fucking moron. I’m sure there are a bunch of nuclear physicists with a healthy cussing appetite. The key is being smart enough to know when not to cuss.

So, what are your thoughts on cursing and children?

Class Act

For years now I’ve wanted to get Kali involved in some kind of extra curricular activity. It’s been hard because most activities are ridiculously expensive and Kali is ridiculously picky.

When she was four she took ballet at her preschool for a year. She enjoyed it, but became too old for that particular program once she started kindergarten. Since then, we looked into piano lessons and soccer. Both were very expensive. We were thisclose to signing her up for soccer, but when we explained that she’d have to attend weekly practice and compete against other teams, her interest quickly waned. Thank God too, because the costly registration and uniform fees were non-refundable.

A few weeks ago, Kali’s school sent home some information on local activities for kids. One that caught my eye was a creative arts program. The class meets once a week for an hour to learn acting, dance, and video production. They put on two performances a year and it was only $50 a month. I told Kali we’d be going to the signup – with complimentary pizza and beverages – whether she liked it or not.

She did not.

She hit the roof. She insisted that she’d be no good at singing, dancing, and acting and that she didn’t want to talk in front of other people. I explained to her that she had no idea what she was good at because she refused to try anything. She agreed to go simply for the free food and also, the small minor detail that she really had no damn choice.

Now, I’m not a fan of parents pushing their kids to participate in programs against their will, but my child has never tried anything past the elementary ballet lessons. I figured I’d pay for it for a month or two and if she didn’t like it – or sucked at it – I’d pull her out.

Saturday, my Mom and I took Kali and my little sis (who is very much interested in the performing arts) to the all-you-can-eat pizza buffet place in order to sign up for the program. I’d warned Kali before we left, “Don’t get there and act like you’ve never had anything. You can have one slice of pizza, maybe two, and something to drink.”

It was the ghettoest thing I’ve ever seen. There was no organization at all. The director who ran the program looked like she’d had a Xanax shake before we got there. There were no forms to fill out, no program schedule and the website promised that each child would receive a bag of items needed for class complete with a journal – I didn’t see those either.

The director floated around talking to each parent without saying much of anything. Kali sat and ate her two slices of pizza with a smug look on her face. She knew I was not feeling it. When the director made her way to our table, she couldn’t even tell me the exact address of where the classes would be held. She was not getting my $50!

“Mommy, can I get more pizza and maybe a brownie?”

“Sure, Kali. Eat up.”

Not all is lost. Friday, her school sent home a sign-up sheet for a book club. Every other week Kali will stay after school for an hour to meet with the club. They discuss the assigned books and come up with questions about what they read. Then they practice competing with each other using a buzzer to answer the questions. The ten best participants will make up a team that competes against other book clubs in the county in February. Cost? $5 to cover the snacks provided at the meetings.

“I don’t want to do it!”

“But you like to read!”

“Yeah, but I don’t want to do the buzzer thing.”

“Are you kidding? Buzzers are fun! I’m all about buzzing in before the other guy. It’s awesome!”

“I don’t want to compete on a stage and have everyone looking at me.”

Now, I reason that if she doesn’t like the competition part of the meetings, she’ll suck at it and won’t make the team. And that’s fine. But I want her to have the experience of discussing books with other students. Book clubs are fun!

“Fine! But I’m only going cause there’s gonna be snacks!”

“Yeah, that and I’m making you.”

Are you sensing a pattern here?

Clothing Optional

It didn’t occur to me until a week or so before it actually happened that Jack’s first birthday coincided with Kali going back to school. Children are expensive! I decided to take inventory of Kali’s clothes before going school shopping. I had no interest in buying her a whole new wardrobe if she didn’t need one.

After discovering that she had well over a dozen pairs of jeans, dozens of shirts, and several pairs of capris and leggings that were all school appropriate, I bought her just one pair of jeans (because they were cute and $8) and a few short-sleeved shirts. She got two pairs of sneakers – a pair of pink Converses and a basic white pair of Sketchers, and new underwear.

That’s it.

The other day, a friend on Facebook asked via a status update if couples argued over what was an appropriate amount to spend on school clothes. She mentioned having a conflict with her husband on how much to spend. I posted what I had done with Kali and was surprised by some replies that seemed to suggest that going back to school required brand new clothes.

Kali gets a few clothing items throughout the year just because and when a store is having a particularly good sale, but she usually gets the bulk of her clothes in April (her birthday), before going back to school (August), when the weather starts to get colder (October, maybe) and at Christmas.

My FB friend asked if I had been talking to her husband because I guess he was thinking of doing what I had. She said, “At 15, I didn’t want to wear last year’s clothes, did you?” I replied, “No, but I also didn’t have a job!”

Also, Kali isn’t 15. She’s 10. And I don’t think I’m being naive in pointing out that Kali and her peers have yet to hit that stage where they’re judging each other on what kind of clothes are being worn. I used to feel bad when I bought her shirts from Wal-mart… until she’d come home pointing out all the girls in her class that had the same damn shirt. Name brands just aren’t on their radar… yet.

I remember being in the 7th grade and Lee jeans were all the rage. Lee would dye their denim so you could get jeans in all kinds of colors. There was a time when snatching the Lee tag from the back of someone’s pants was the cool thing to do. You could tell someone had their tag taken because the patch of material it covered was exposed as a darker rectangle along the belt loop. So, if you were wearing pink Lees, you’d have a dark pink patch. Well, my Mom insisted on buying me everything but Lees, and I couldn’t even play it off that my tag had gotten snatched because my Loos (or whatever the hell I was wearing) didn’t have the dark patch on the back!

One Mom who replied to the thread seemed to half agree with me. She said that her son was keeping three pairs of pants from last year, getting three more, and then getting a ton of new shirts. She concluded by saying, “I didn’t wear last year’s clothes and he won’t either.”

But here’s the thing – Kali ain’t wearing last year’s clothes! It’s August, school let out in May… and she hasn’t grown very much since then. Those clothes are being worn. It seems wasteful and materialistic to do otherwise. And guess what? In doing my inventory of Kali’s wardrobe I found many turtlenecks and sweaters from last winter that still fit. Those are last year’s clothes and she’ll be wearing them this year.

What are your guidelines for buying school clothes? Did you get lots of back-to-school clothes when you were a kid? What’s your worst fashion-related memory from childhood?

First Day of School Blues

As a Mom, the first day of school blows. As I did my school shopping, and even as I hung out online, I heard many Moms say, “I’m so happy the kids are going back to school!” Not me. I like having Kali home. In fact, I love it. I know school is necessary mandatory, but I’m in no rush to get her out of the house. This time when we have control over their lives and when they actually like being in the nest goes so quickly. Why hurry it?

I’ve had to deal with several “first days.” There was the first day that I went back to work after Kali was born. She stayed with my Aunt every day. I actually appreciated this because my Aunt B. is an old school, black, southern woman. I resisted any temptation to spoil Kali rotten because I knew Aunt B. didn’t play that. She wasn’t going to hold Kali all day and carry her around. If I didn’t want my poor child miserable, I made certain to not start those habits. That only lasted a few months because I began working from home.

When Kali was 3, I went to work for a private day care center. I worked only three days a week from 8am – 1pm. Kali was able to stay in one of their toddler rooms. The first day I dropped her off, she showed her little ass. She had a fit! It was a good thing though because it prepared us for Pre-K. Even though Kali was an only child at that point who had a stay-at-home Mom and little interaction with other kids, she never had that awkward adjustment to playing well with others. She was never a stingy kid who snatched up toys from other children. I wish I could say that was due to our great parenting skills, but I don’t remember that ever being an issue or the need for extensive “sharing is caring” conversations.

It was during this time that I got my first look at what goes on behind the scenes of  a childcare environment. (Having a best friend that taught first and second grade helped too.) I knew firsthand what teachers expected from students and what type of behavior got your kid labeled, “a problem.” I was lucky that both Kali and I were eased into this first school experience with me being right down the hall. If I wanted to see how she was doing, I needed only to peek inside the classroom on my way to the ladies room or delivering a message to another classroom.

We moved to Georgia soon after that and when Kali was 4 she started Pre-K. The Pre-K program here is free – paid for by the lottery program. It was harder on me than her. This time, I wouldn’t be right down the hall and it was everyday, all day. She really thrived. It was while there that she also took ballet once a week and made her first real friends.

When it was time for kindgarten she attended a brand new school that had only been open a year. Again, I think the transition was harder for me than Kali. The whole process was different and intimidating… to me! Here in Georgia, if your child doesn’t ride the school bus, they’re a car rider. Parents drive through the parking lot that loops like a snake until they get to the “drop off zone.” Staff and older students open the back door of your car, help your child out and then he/she enters the building and either heads to the cafeteria for breakfast or straight to class. You feel like the driver dropping off young master William at school.

On the first day, I remember pulling away in tears as she headed into the building – she wore a gray and pink pleated skirt, white button down shirt, pink v-neck sweater, white socks, and black loafars. She looked so preppy and cute, but also so tiny. I remember not being comfortable with the idea that they expected her to navigate that building with its long wide hallways and hard shiny floors alone.

When it was time for the 4th grade (last year), we found ourselves once again dealing with a new environment. Another brand new school built to accomodate our ever-expanding suburbia. I was not happy about this – a new school, with new teachers, students, school bus drivers, etc. (Don’t even get me started on heart palpitations caused by the first time she rode the school bus.) Once again, I worried for nothing. Kali was not at all intimidated or overwhelmed by her new school. I suppose it helps that all the schools are pretty much cookie-cutter identical – if you’ve been in one, you’ve been in them all.

Today was Kali’s first day of fifth grade. We spent the weekend getting her clothes ready, cleaning her room (including a carpet shampooing) and making sure her school bag was ready. As the years go by, my anxiety lessens. Like all parents, I wish for her a great year filled with good friends and even better grades, but I no longer worry that she’s going to get lost on her way to the bathroom or choke to death on a tater-tot at lunch.

Of course, just as I was feeling good about my mommy-self, Donny reminded me that next year she will be going to yet another new school -  middle school.

EEK!

Try Not To Stab Anyone With Fiskar Scissors

My cousin, whose son is one, declared this weekend that when it’s time for her to buy his school supplies, she’ll do her shopping a month before everyone else. I think she’s on to something. If the school will provide the list of necessary supplies early enough, I say get it out of the way as soon as possible.

Want to know the recipe for making me want to shank people?

1/2 cup of other people’s kids – which I don’t like

1/2 cup of other people’s loud ass/bad ass kids – which I don’t like

1 cup of Walmart which seems to bring out the bad ass in all kids

1 tbs of people losing their minds over ten cent two-pocket folders with brads

1 tsp of Kali asking for everything NOT on her list

Add a dash of spending two week’s worth of grocery money on your child’s first birthday party and bring to a slow boil during tax-free weekend.

Ugh.

First of all, Walmart needs to get their shit together. Kali’s list called for one glue stick. They had a single glue stick for $1.49, but above that they had a 3-pack for $1.59. We grabbed the 3-pack. A few minutes later, we found a bin of the same damn glue sticks (single package) for 25 cents! And who the hell doesn’t sell composition notebooks during back to school time? I couldn’t find one in the whole joint.

But what really pisses me off, are all the “extras” on the list. Each child has to bring in four boxes of Kleenex, a bottle of antibacterial soap, and two reams of copy paper. I don’t mind helping out the classroom. I really don’t. But it seems like the parents are buying everything! Why are we buying the Lysol wipes? Don’t they have janitors cleaning the classrooms? Why am I buying red pens? So the teacher can use them to grade papers and take attendance? I swear to God, Kali better bring home schoolwork written in red ink or I’m going off.

The one good thing is that it seems the older she gets, the less “group supplies” are required. A few years ago, we brought the required supplies up to the classroom during registration and when I asked where I could put Kali’s stuff, the teacher gestured towards a huge cardboard box. Everyone dumped their supplies and then the teacher divvied it up. Um, what? I wouldn’t have bought all the name brand good shit if I’d have known there was a chance some other kid would be using it!

At least this year, I know everything we just bought is actually needed. One year, we bought all the items on the list provided on the school’s website only to be told by the teacher that she required completely different items!

So,  school supply shopping tips from me to you:

1. Shop early if you can. The money you save by waiting for the tax-free weekend is nothing compared to the bail money it will cost after you beat someone’s ass in Walmart.

2. Triple check with your child’s teacher that the list the school provides is indeed correct.

3. Ask her what items, if any, are considered “community” supplies. If you are throwing your crayons in a big box of share shit, then you might wanna opt for Roseart over Crayola. I’m just sayin’.

4. Use those little machines throughout Walmart and Target that allow you to do your own price checks. The stores are a mad house and they’re obviously not consistently pricing/displaying the items.

5. Save your receipts.

And finally…

6. Try not to stab anyone with fiskar scissors.

All Night Long

Every summer Kali’s sleep pattern gets thrown out of whack. I allow it. Maybe I feel guilty for not being able to afford summer camps (not that I’d allow her to sleep away from home) or fancy family vacations. (Once Mama graduates and gets a J-O-B that will change.)

That may have something to do with it, but the main reason I allow it is because I remember the magic of staying up all night. When I’d visit my father in the summer, I did it many times. Hanging out in his basement after everyone had gone to sleep was how I discovered Elvis, The Beatles and Jimmy Stewart movies. More importantly, it’s where I discovered my favorite author Ed McBain. When you’re a kid, breaking night somehow makes you feel all grown up. It’s during those times that I did some of my grandest dreaming and plotted some of my most ambitious adventures.

Staying up all night is one of the few times you have the house to yourself as a kid. You know, without the whole “child neglect” involved in leaving kids home alone. I remember the fun of it and I don’t want to begrudge Kali that.

Of course, times are different and with satellite cable and the internet I have to be more vigilant in what she’s doing while the rest of us slumber. A quick history check of the web browsers shows that she (and my little sister) are more interested in Twilight fan fiction than Jimmy Stewart movies, but whatever.

As school time approaches, I slowly start to get her back on a normal schedule. Today, I made her get up at 9:30am to go with Jack and I to the doctor (she went to bed at 1am.) That beats the down at 6am and up at 4pm schedule she was on a few weeks ago.

She has never had a problem bouncing back once school starts so I’m not worried. If she wants to build pillow and blanket forts in the summertime, and read Maniac Magee and Tales of  a 4th Grade Nothing until the sun comes up, I’ll allow it. There will be a time, before she knows it, when she won’t be able to enjoy such luxuries even during the summertime.

Do your kids sleeping habits change during the summer? If so, do you find it difficult to get them back on track once school rolls around? What are some of your favorite breaking night memories from childhood.

Shouting Match

“Why do people let their kids scream at the top of their lungs?”

So posed my friend Julia on Twitter last week. The debate that followed on Twitter and Facebook ended with no one really understanding why some parents allow their kids to scream like banshees in mixed company, but everyone agreeing that it was annoying as shit.

One person said, “No kid is perfect. Some kids scream, some pick their nose, some wet the bed. Most grow and learn.”

I think we need to take bed-wetting out of the discussion as  I don’t believe it’s controllable. You have to be raising a special kind of badass kid that he’d be willing to lay in his own waste to spite you. But I think the last point deserves attention. “Most grow and learn.”

But how are they learning if there’s no corrective action taken? If your attitude is, “Oh well, my kid is a screamer/nose-picker/hitter/biter,” then there is no grow and learn. Just yesterday we watched a kid of about 3 scream and yell in the grocery store. Everything was a shout. The mother didn’t once tell him to lower his voice. Other shoppers were trying to talk amongst themselves – “Honey, do we need rice?” – but they had to compete with this ill-mannered child.

Now, I’m not naive. I know all about noise pollution and what one should expect any time they leave the house. I don’t think it’s unreasonable that you teach your child that screaming in public places is not okay. Chuck-e-Cheese? Fine. The playground? Definitely. The waiting room of the doctor’s office? Not so much. The movie theater? Oh, hell no!

Whoever came up with “inside voice” and “outside voice” needs to be smacked. Why? Because sometimes it’s not okay to be loud outside either! And sometimes, your kid will be inside with outside wants! It all falls on the person in charge to teach the child when it’s appropriate to dial it back.

My nephew is a screamer and one Saturday my son got zero naps because my nephew insisted on screaming. Any attempts to ask him to lower his voice while Jack was sleeping were met with louder screaming. And we were indoors! My Dad says, “But I know he’s not doing it to be bad.”

I’m not saying that children are screaming to be bad, but when they are screaming and you ask them to lower their voice (and you know they understand) and they don’t… well, that’s kinda being bad. And no matter what the child intentions are, it doesn’t make it any less disruptive.

Jack is a screecher. Though he doesn’t yet understand, we still try to counteract that by teaching him to replace the screech for a word. That’s how he will learn not to scream for everything he wants. Hopefully.

I don’t think that parents are doing their children any favors when they allow poor social behavior to go unchecked. I’ve worked in the childcare industry, I’ve seen firsthand how the kids with behavior issues are regarded. I’m not saying the teachers are pinching their arms and spitting in their apple juice, but you don’t want your kid to be labeled, “the problem.”

I wish more parents would remove their loud children from social situations if they can’t get the behavior modified. That may mean the parent’s meal in the restaurant is interupted, or they miss a portion of the movie, but so be it. Maybe that will be more incentive to get the behavior under control at home, where it’s not an inconvenience to everyone else.

So, what do you think?

More Adventures With The Tooth Fairy

Kali still believes in Santa Claus and The Tooth Fairy. Well, not really, but we pretend that she does. This is funny since I was convinced that I wouldn’t be one of those parents to indulge such things. Then Kali started school and Santa Claus went from being some guy who works in the mall to the man responsible for providing my child with all the things she wanted for Christmas. That bastard.

I know she knows there’s no such thing as Santa Claus, and she knows I know she knows. That doesn’t stop us from leaving cookies and milk on the fireplace every Christmas Eve. I know she knows there’s no such thing as The Tooth Fairy, and she knows I know she knows. That doesn’t stop her from expecting $5 under her pillow the morning after she loses a tooth.

Now, we face a battle of wills. Who will be the first to break? I think she wants me to admit that I’ve been lying all these years and I want her to admit that she knows better and stop making me jump through damn hoops.

For example, a few week ago Kali lost two teeth within days of each other. I’ve yet to give her $10. Why? Because Kali stays up all night long in the summertime. All.Night.Long. Now that my little sister lives with us its even worse. The two of them stay up all night watching TV, playing video games, reading, giggling, and writing Robert Pattinson fan fiction… or whatever the hell it is little girls do when they stay up all night.

So, here’s where the conflict comes in: Kali has put the two teeth under her pillow and then proceeded to hang out all night. I fall asleep at a reasonable hour and then the next day, I’ve forgotten. She wakes up in the afternoon all shitty because there’s no money.

“Mommy, the Tooth Fairy didn’t come… again!”

“Really?”

“Really! And my teeth are still under the pillow.”

“Well, maybe you should go to bed at a normal hour.”

“What does that have to do with it?”

“She comes at night when you’re sleeping. You have to be in the bed so she can put the money under your pillow.”

“Okay, first of all, that’s creepy and second of all, why can’t she put the money there when I’m sleeping during the day?”

“Because that’s not the way it works! People shouldn’t sleep during the day. Little girls should go to bed at night so the tooth fairy can come. Maybe you threw her off with staying up all night. Maybe, maybe, maybe she doesn’t have time to come during the day just for you. Maybe she’s sleeping because she was out all night collecting the teeth of kids who went to sleep when they were supposed to.”

“You just said people shouldn’t sleep during the day!”

“She’s not people! She’s a fairy.”

“Yeah, and fairies are magic so it shouldn’t matter. She should come when I’m sleeping. No matter what time it is. She owes me ten dollars!”

And on and on it goes. Who will break first? Stay tuned.

Other tooth fairy adventures can be read here and here and here and here.

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