Take It or Leave It: Friend or Foe and Mother’s Day Woe
May 4, 2010 by nina
Filed under Featured, Take It Or Leave It
Dear Nina,
My son has two best friends, Jimmy and Connor who live on our street. Not only do they walk to and from school together every day, but they play with each other after school as well. Jimmy is having a birthday party on Saturday. Connor was invited, but my son was not. We heard that it is because Jimmy is only inviting third grade boys to the party. My son is in fourth grade. Needless to say, my son is very upset about this. It doesn’t help that Jimmy and Connor have been talking about this party when they all walk to and from school. My son feels excluded and has now heard that some fourth grade boys ARE invited.
I called Jimmy’s Mom and asked (just to clear things up) if fourth grade boys were invited because my son was so upset when he heard they were. I told her that I’d probably be taking my kids on a day trip the day of the party so that my son wouldn’t have to deal with knowing there was a party going on next door that he couldn’t attend. She got angry with me!
“First of all, fourth graders aren’t invited. Second of all, I can’t believe you’re making me feel bad about throwing my son a party! Fine, I’ll just cancel it cause I don’t need this drama. I didn’t say anything when your kid didn’t invite mine to her party!”
I tried to explain that for my daughter’s party, we decided to only have five kids over and to make it fair, we drew names from a hat. She wouldn’t even let me finish and hung up on me. What should I do? I don’t think I did anything wrong? Isn’t she overreacting?
Hurt In Harrisburg, PA
Dear Butt Hurt,
You’re both overreacting!
Children’s birthday parties are a tricky thing. I personally dread Kali’s birthday because I don’t want to deal with the social minefield of deciding who should be invited. It’s exhausting! Also, I don’t like other people’s kids, but I digress.
Seriously, I’m sure you know – seeing as how you opted to only do five kids one year – that planning your child’s birthday party can be stressful and expensive. Between the invites, thank you cards, food, cake, beverages, decorations, gift bags, etc., it adds up. (Not to mention you still have to buy your child an actual present!) I think we need to give parents a break when it comes to who gets invited.
Restricting the guest list to boys/girls, classmates, or family only isn’t unusual. Unfortunately, in this instance, your son got his feelings hurt. This could have been a teachable moment, the perfect opportunity to show your son that these things sometimes happen. I’m sure there were kids disappointed that their names weren’t pulled out the hat for your daughter’s party…. which brings me to the phone call…
How would you have felt if a parent called you? And let’s be honest, you know better! What you did was a passive aggressive attempt to, at best, wrangle an invite for your child and, at worst, make your neighbor feel shitty for not inviting your kid. She knew he wasn’t in the third grade when she made the guest list! What you did was put her in a tough spot, and she acted as people often do when backed into a corner. She lashed out.
Of course she’s not going to cancel the party and she didn’t need to know that you were planning a whole “day trip” around not being there when her guests arrived. You were both engaging in emotional blackmail. Frankly, you both deserve the tension that is sure to follow. I think you should have just explained to your son that he’s not always going to be invited to parties and then (without making a big show of it – you don’t want him thinking he gets some special day out whenever things don’t go the way he wans) made arrangements to do stuff away from the house/neighborhood so as not to rub salt in his wounds.
Your friend might give you an apology for overreacting, but I think you need to make the first step and be like, “Listen, didn’t mean to make the party planning stressful. My son was just disappointed he didn’t get an invite. I hope you guys have a good time and we’ll drop off a present before/after the day of the party.”
Booyah.
***
Dear Nina,
I have been a mother for nearly 7 years and my mother has yet to even give me a card for Mother’s Day. It’s almost as if she doesn’t acknowledge me as a mother and she is the only one to be celebrated on this blessed day. Not only that, she seems to expect a gift and expect to celebrate with our family. It’s not just her day, although she seems to think so.
Miffed on Mother’s Day
Miffed,
Some people have really weird ideas of etiquette when it comes to certain holidays. Perhaps she feels as if only the child should do the appreciating and gift giving?
When I call my stepmother on Mother’s Day she wishes me a good one as well, and so will my Dad if I happen to speak to him. But that’s it. I don’t expect cards, flowers, gifts, or even well wishes from anyone that didn’t come out of my vagina… or isn’t responsible for putting them there. Sure, acknowledgment from others is nice, but not necessary.
Is it important to me that those close to me (read: parents) think I’m a good Mom? Sure. But I don’t need a card on Mother’s Day to tell me that. However, it does sound like this is, at least somewhat, important to you. I’m a firm believer in first weighing the consequences, and then dealing with the situation head-on. With Mother’s Day right around the corner, now would be an excellent time to call your Mom and be like, “You know, you’ve never given me a card for Mother’s Day. What up with that?”
As for celebrating with your family, that’s tough. Without hurting her feelings directly, you may have to just make yourself “unavailable” every other Mother’s Day. Maybe say something like, “My husband planned this all day surprise for me with just us and the kids, isn’t that great?” She’ll get the hint. Hopefully.
***
Nina,
Years ago, I had this circle of friends who I was really close to. If you’d asked me then, I’d have said that we’d have been besties-4-life. But then, I moved away. Not, like, “other side of the country” moved, but about 200 miles. When I left, they all did the whole “oh, we’ll stay in touch, we’ll always be together” thing that people do. And I believed it. I mean, we’d been like family.
Flash forward a decade. It’s been at least two years since any of them have made any effort to visit. For the first five or six years, I was the only one who ever made the effort… I went to them, they almost NEVER came here. A while back, I made the decision to basically just kinda stop being their friend. It wasn’t hard, given that we never spoke or communicated.
What pushed me over the edge? Finding out that several of them had spent a weekend about three miles from my house and never bothered to call. Anyway, recently, one of these people recently out-of-the-blue contacted me saying “Oh, hey, there’s this event near your house and I’m coming down. I thought we could hang out and I could stay with you.”
I never responded, figuring, “Wow, way to use me.” I’ll admit to missing them on occasion, but feel as if letting them back in will only lead to more heartache. I know I’m right, but I need you to tell me I’m right.
Signed,
Won’t Be Fooled Again
Fooled,
You’re right.
As we get older, we get used to the fact that people grow apart. It’s not always a bad thing, but it’s usually a sad thing.
Your visiting friend MAY be trying to extend an olive branch, reignite the friendship fires, etc., by reaching out to you for their upcoming visit, but I think your first instincts are right: you’re being used. One easy way to determine if that’s the case (if you even care to) is to write back with some excuse as to why crashing at your place won’t work (renovations, other out-of-town guests, etc.), but suggesting that you meet for coffee at some point during their visit. If this person were truly reaching out just to see you again, then the venue shouldn’t matter.
N.
And, you’re welcome.
So, what do you guys think of my advice? Should they take it or leave it? What would you do? Remember, if you have a problem you’d like me to solve (or try to anyway) send it to nina@blogitoutb.com. Make sure to put TIOLI in the subject line.
Take It or Leave It: Crotch Shots and Low Blows
April 23, 2010 by nina
Filed under Featured, Take It Or Leave It
Dear Nina,
When trying to get to my seat in a sporting event or movie theater do I face my ass or my crotch towards the other patrons? Thanks!
Confuzzled in Conroe, TX
Dear Confuzzled,
How bout you get there early enough so that you don’t have to worry about doing either?
I kid. I kid.
This is a serious question and something I’ve struggled with it. I’m not a big fan of putting my crotch in people’s faces (at least not for free), but I have to say that if I’m the person doing the scooting by, I’d prefer to face the person I’m annoying. I want to see the look of disgust and inconvenience as I block their view and step on their toes.
And this holds true if I’m the person seated as well. Butts are rude and I don’t want to see yours. I want you to face me so I can be sure that you see my look of disgust and inconvenience as you block my view and step on my toes.
So, my final answer is, you can’t go wrong with a crotch shot.
(Just make sure you wash your lady parts before you leave the house and you should be fine.)
***
Dear Not So Flat-Chested,
I’m glad that you already recognize that a true friend isn’t someone that constantly puts you down and makes fun of you. You’ve already uncovered what I think is the real problem: your “friend” has low self-esteem. She needs to find problems (or things she perceives to be problems) with you to make her feel better about her own life.
Now if it were me, immediately after she made the boobs comment, I’d have jumped in her ass. But that’s just me and I realize that not everyone is as badass. So maybe you don’t say something like, “Bitch, I can always get a boob job, but you can’t buy a new husband,” but a, “Don’t be surprised if I never come over here again,” might have done the trick.
Either she’d have stopped, knowing exactly what you meant, and apologized OR she’d have pressed on, playing stupid, “What do you mean? I was just joking!” The latter would have provided you the perfect opportunity to lay out why her comment was rude, inappropriate, and humiliating. Saying something right then would have also let her know that such mess won’t be tolerated.
But what’s done is done. From here on out I say you definitely deal with this head-on. If there’s one thing I can’t stand is people that hold on to grievances in silence. Whether you’re right or wrong in the way you feel (and it doesn’t sound like you’re wrong when it comes to this “friend), you need to get this out. A phone call or email should do.
“Listen, I know I haven’t been returning your calls, but that’s because when you said blah, blah, blah, that really pissed me off and hurt my feelings. Also, when you blah, blah, blah, that bothers me too. It’s just been easier not dealing with you. I don’t need to spend time with someone who is constantly being a bitch.”
Note: you’re not making any mention of continuing the friendship if that’s not what you want. This is strictly about making a clean break so she can stop calling and hopefully change her behavior in the future. If you want to give the friendship another shot, then you say the same as above but add, “Bitch,you got one more time to come out your face and I’ma hurt your feelings and be done with you.”
And, you’re welcome.
-N
So, what do you guys think of my advice. Should Confuzzled and Itty Bitty Titties take my advice or leave it? Anything you want to add?
And if you or someone you know needs me to solve a problem, shoot an email to nina@blogitoutb.com and you might see it featured here in future installment of Take It or Leave It.
Nina is a 34-year-old mother, wife and writer who spends her days blogging, studying, changing diapers and watching ridiculous amounts of TV. She currently resides in Atlanta, Georgia, with her husband, two children and three TiVos.
