Top Ten Reasons I’ll Own You (And Your Moms) In Halo 3

Halo 3 doesn’t get old. It just doesn’t. I can not play that game for months and it’s still as fun as the first time when I start playing again.

Since finishing school last week I’ve been purposely vegging out: I have no desire to do anything important or responsible until after Christmas. Right now, I’m all about playing, writing blogs, watching TV, reading books, and hanging with my family. Hell, I deserve a mental vacation.

Anyway, I’ve been playing  a lot of Halo 3. Every time I tweet about it I get someone asking me questions. “Is it fun?’ “Why do you play it so much?” To which I say, “Hells yeah,” and ” Because I’m awesome.”

Don’t believe me? Allow me to provide video evidence. One of the coolest features of Halo 3 is the ability to go back and watch the films of your most recent 25 online games. You can edit out clips, rewind, fast forward, go in slow motion, move the camera angles, and even watch the game from the point of view of any of your teammates or competitors. We really like doing this when something particularly cool happens in a game and we want to go back and watch it over and over again, making everyone in the house bask in our glory. Unfortunately, Microsoft prevents you from putting the video clips on your thumb drive for sharing, so I had to go old school and use my video cam to record the TV.

Top Ten Reasons I”ll Own You (And Your Moms) In Halo 3

10. I’m Mean w/ a Shotgun - While playing a game of capture the flag, I proceed to stick my shotgun up the asses of the blue team.

9. I’ll Kill You and the Guy You Got Protecting You - In the same game, I kill the guy protecting the guy with our flag and the guy with our flag. (They’re lucky I didn’t kill them with the flag.) Then they come back for more.

8. Sometimes, There Is an “I” in Team – In Capture the Flag, you have to go to the other team’s base, grab their flag, and bring it back to your base to score. You can’t do this if they’ve also managed to grab your flag. It has to be returned before you can score.

In the clip you’re about to see, during the live game, I had Kali and Donny yelling at me, “Oh my God! They have our flag! They’re going to score. Nina, do something because only you can save us” (OK, so maybe not that last part)

So, after I fuck shit up for a bit, I pick up a grav lift (a device tossed on the ground and walked over so it allows you to jump really high), toss it next to the building,  and then simultaneously jump and save the damn day. THEN, I grab the other team’s flag and wait while Kali, Donny, and our other teammate do God’s know what before I can score.

7. I’m Lethal With The Stickies – In Halo 3, a sticky grenade is one that sticks to whatever it touches and then explodes. They are a lot of fun. It’s particularly fun to stick it to someone as they are running at you, and then back up and watch the fireworks. But the best is sticking it on something near the bad guy and watching him die from standing too close.

6. I’m So Good, I Will Kill By Accident - Here, I lob a sticky grenade blindly around a corner. And get the kill.

5. I’m Good With All the Weapons in the Game – including the sword:

4. … And the Needler – The Needler shoots a steady burst of pink exploding needles. You have to get ten needles into the person to kill them.

3. And the rocket launcher…

2. Getting In a Vehicle Won’t Save You – This guy thought getting into a Ghost was going to help. I blew it up. With him in it. And the explosion also killed his friend who was shooting at me while standing a little too close.

And finally, I will own you (and your Moms) in Halo 3 because…

1. I am not above shooting you in the back. That’s how I roll.

***

BONUS:

As juvenile and unsportsmanlike as it is, I love teabagging enemies after I kill them. Teabagging, for you video game newbies, is when you put your crotch area in the face of the dead guy and bounce up and down. It’s suppose to simulate the act of dunking a teabag in cup, but with your testicles.

Here’s what it looks like from my point of view after I kill someone:

And if you’re playing nearby, here’s what the same kill looks like to you:

But now, players have figured out a new way to add shame and degradation to the person they’ve just killed. Below, I demonstrate this after killing a guy:

Top Five People That Shouldn’t Go To The Movies

Let me start by saying that I love going to the movies. It’s an event. I love the whole process from checking movie times to standing in line for your tickets and popcorn. I love going to see a long-awaited film on opening weekend with a crowd of just-as-excited moviegoers. I love the trailers – especially those kick-ass teasers that leave you wanting more and turning to the person with you and asking, “We have to wait till next summer?!” I don’t care how many flat screens I get with BluRay players and surround sound, nothing will beat the tradition of going to see a movie in the theater.

Between my recent part-time gig doing trailer checks and taking Kali to see New Moon on Friday, I’ve been spending a lot of time in theaters lately. It has made me realize that some people shouldn’t be allowed to leave the house, or at the very least, go to to movies because they don’t know how to act. They are:

5. Latecomers - I know shit happens. There’s traffic, forgetting your wallet at home, the inability to find a parking space, etc. I’m not complaining about people who arrive at the theater late. It can happen to any of us. I’m talking about the asshats that arrive late and feel the need to make a big show of how surprised they are to find the theater full.

You know what I mean. They turn that corner, find the theater full, and do that exaggerated double-take, or stop short and let out a loud gasp or groan. Really, idiot? You’re shocked that you arrived 15 minutes late to a movie some people camped out to buy tickets for and found it full?

Sit your ass down, please.

You know, I think I’ll make it my business to always be early just to mock these fools and watch as they are forced to sit in the front row and get a neck cramp.

4. Loud Talkers – I don’t mean during the movie. It’s been a very long time since I’ve encountered someone who talked through the movie. I’m talking about the people that, just because the movie hasn’t started yet, think it’s okay to let everyone in on their personal conversation. Two examples, same people:

While in line for popcorn Friday, there was a group of girls (20′s) behind Kali and I. They were debating what they were going to get and calculating the cost. Like most people, they were considering sharing items to cut down on the expense. Then one said to the other…

“Can we afford to get the large of both the popcorn and the soda?”

“I don’t know. How much is it?”

“The large drink is $6.75, but it has free refills.”

“It looks kinda big. Maybe we  should get the medium.”

“But the large cups are collector cups. I want one with Edward on it.”

“We should be okay. I mean, we didn’t get the dog food yesterday and I still have that $20. I have to put that in the bank tomorrow. We just need to be careful.”

“And you gotta put that twenty in the bank.”

“Yeah.”

Oh.My.God. The whole conversation made me uncomfortable! Lower your voices! I don’t want to hear how your poor dog is home starving cause you had to get your Twilight on!

Then, this same group of women were seated directly behind us in the theater. The lights are still on and the screen is showing those trivia questions and silly commercials. So, no the movie hasn’t started, but still.

“You know the $5 I gave you for cigarettes?”

“Yeah. I said I’d give it back to you Tuesday.”

“This Tuesday?”

“No. Tuesday when I paid Tuesday.”

“Oh. Cause she just gave you $5.”

“Yeah, but I need it. I need money.”

“Well, so do I. But I guess as long as you’re good to go…”

“Oh yeah, I’m really good to go with a whole five dollars.”

“… and got money for cigarettes, beer, vodka…”

“You know what? Shut up.”

“Whatever. You shut up.”

I never have cash on me. Ever. But Friday evening I just happened to have a fiver folded in my purse and I was pretty sure it was fate telling me to turn around toss that bitch the money if it meant they would shut the hell up!

3. The Critics – Yes, I’ve been getting paid to gauge audience reaction to movie trailers. But guess what? I get paid whether you cheer, groan, moan, boo, or not. What I can’t stand is that one guy that feels the need to give his stamp of approval on every trailer before the film.Loudly.

“Well, that looks stupid.”

“Oh, that’s gonna be awesome.”

“Ooookay. What the hell was that?”

“I can’t wait to see that.”

No one gives a shit! Shut up.

This is also the same guy that feels the need to try and guess the movie from the first three seconds of the trailer.

“Batman? Terminator 6? Lord of the Rings prequel?’

Hey, Sherlock. How ’bout you zip it and let us see what the fuck it is?

2. Undecideds – People who stand in front of you in a long concession line only to get to the front and still not know what they want. Seriously? Nevermind the fact that you had enough time in line to figure out what you want, but the food at the movies doesn’t change?! Everyone has their usual order. We get the same shit (for the most part) every time we go! Why the hell don’t you know what you want by the time you get up there?

1. Black people - Shut.The.Fuck.Up.

What are your movie-going peeves?

Nina’s Top Ten Things I Never Thought I’d Say… Until I Had Kids

10. “Please stop pulling your sister’s panties.”

9. “No, you cannot have Fruit Roll-Ups for breakfast. Because they’re not actually fruit.”

8. “Stop licking your sister’s arm.”

7. “Get your hands out of the toilet!”

6. “Don’t bite the dog!”

5. “Do not put that in your nose!

4. “You have to go to school. Because if I don’t send you to school, I’ll go to jail. Do you want Mommy to go to jail? I didn’t think so. Now, go get dressed.”

3. “No, my breastmilk isn’t chocolate because I’m brown.”

2. “Please don’t bite my nipple.”

1. “Stop playing with your penis!”

Nina’s Top Ten Failed TV Show Ideas

As I prepared a spreadsheet of the new fall shows I’d be programming into my three TiVos (don’t judge me), I found some interesting shows that didn’t make the fall line-up. Did the networks make a mistake? You decide.

10. Made Off With Your $ – A new reality show centered around convicted Ponzi scheme scammer, Bernie Madoff (pronounced Made-Off) as he adjusts to going from the penthouse to the big house. The pilot revolved around Bernie and a misunderstanding with his new cellmate; a big black guy called M.T. (Meat Tenderizer.) – (MTV)

9.  Two Guys, A Girl, and a Pregnancy Test – Judd Apatow brings his unique brand of humor to the small screen. Stacy has two one night stands within days of each other. When both the responsible Tom and the party boy Chad decide to move in with her until they can figure out who the daddy is, hilarity ensues. (ABC)

8. More Bootay To Love – Motivated by complaints that dating shows ignore the overweight and minorities, FOX decided to mix things up with a Bachelor-style reality show pairing up overweight black couples.

7. Where in the World Is Michael Jackson? – Yet another reality show (hey, they’re cheap) obsessed with celebrity. This time, a dead one. All this controversy over where The Gloved One will be buried has sparked a group of ghost-hunter style adventurers to track down the corpse once and for all.(The CW)

6. So You Think You Can Whittle? -  The search for America’s Favorite Whittler begins! A panel of expert judges scour the country to see who can really handle their wood!

5. Sex - Knowing what sells and in a desperate attempt to garner controversy-driven ratings, NBC airs the closest thing to pornography that the FCC will let them get away with. No plot, just constant love scenes back-to-back… and front-to-t0… and…

4. Big Brother: West Virginia – Twelve people in one house constantly followed by cameras. Eight teeth between them. One major twist – the people who hook up are not related! (CBS)

3. America’s Got Talent – Washed up has-been “celebrities” like David Hasslehoff and Sharon Osbourne serve as judges to the millions of Americans who think balancing plates on your head and whistling the National Anthem through your nose makes you talented. …. Oh… wait. (NBC)

2. Touched by An Uncle – CBS, hoping to cash in on the popularity of Law and Order: SVU, came up with their own crime-fighting unit dedicated to children sex crimes.

1. Are You Smarter Than Sarah Palin? - Every episode, every week, the answer is yes.

Have an idea for a top ten? Email it to nina@blogitoutb.com

Nina’s Top Ten Annoying Tweeters

I know from my conversations with some of you that you still have no idea what Twitter is, how it works, or why it’s so addictive to some. Let me try to explain before we get into the top ten list. Twitter is nothing more than a constant stream of status updates. If you follow me (neenerspb) you will see anything I choose to share throughout the day. Like:

@neenerspb is cleaning up baby poop

@neenerspb hasn’t written a blog this week because life got in the way

@neenerspb is watching Two and a Half Men… someone kill me!

Such updates are called Tweets. You can only see the tweets of the people you follow and vice versa. But you may end up seeing someone’s tweet through a re-tweet. If you’re not following KeMari, but you follow me and I re-tweet something funny that she’s written, it will look like this:

@neenerspb: RT @KeMari: Nina is so awesome. I am lucky to have her as a friend.

I think a good tweeter has a decent mix of:

a. the mundane

b. the interesting

c. the personal

d. the funny

e. and some self-promotion

As with all things social networking, there are disadvantages. Like, if you find yourself following the people on this list.

10. Celebrities – I’ve always said that Myspace, Twitter, Facebook, and the like have made the world a lot smaller – and that’s a good thing. But some celebrities have missed the whole point of online interaction. I follow some that NEVER respond to “the common folk.” Instead they tweet a constant stream of “look how funny I am” and “look how great my life is.

Also, aren’t you already rich? In a time when everyone is struggling to pay their monthly bills, do you really think it’s appropriate to pander and beg people to buy your new perfume or comic book?

Not all celebrities suck at tweeting. Jon Favreau is awesome. Not only has he responded to me and others, but he shared tweets all throughout the shooting of Iron Man 2 and included the occasional on-set photo via Twitpics. John Cusack is wickedly funny and responds to damn near everyone.

A friend said that following me and Donny on Facebook is like following Ashton and Demi on Twitter. Except I hope we are a little less annoying. OK, we get it. You’re both ridiculously hot and in love. Enough.

9. Social Media Experts – I mean, really. How many social media experts does one need in one’s life? I have one. Kevin a.k.a Obi Wan Kenobi of the internet. He guides me and reminds me to update WordPress and install plug-ins. He helps me understand and obey social networking etiquette. And he does all of this while only making me feel like a ree-ree 45% of the time. Everyone else can beat it.

8. Inspirational Tweeters – You know those desk calendars that have a quote from like Ghandi or MLK on every day of the week? Well, inspirational tweeters sit at their desks all day long tweeting a week’s worth of inspirational crap.

“You have to love yourself before others can love you.”

I hate you.

7. People Who Use All Caps - Are you that excited to be on the internet? I’m looking at you, Diddy.

6. Sexy Tweeters – When will people learn that trying to be sexy is never sexy? Purposely saying sexually explicit things and dropping sexual innuendos in EVERY tweet doesn’t make you provocative, it makes you slutty. And annoying.

5. People Who Complain About Spoilers – Look, tweeting has become a way for people to share experiences over long distances. If you’re not watching something that is generating big buzz online, then it might behoove you to log off the internet for a few hours. You can’t expect the masses to conform to your late ass.

That being said, I try to be as spoiler free as I can in my tweets about the lastest movie or television episode… for the proceeding 72 hours anyway. After that, all bets are off.

What do you think is an appropriate amount of time to discuss spoilers online?

4. People Who ReTweet Stuff About Them – Before we go any further, I am COMPLETELY guilty of this. If someone sends me a tweet like…

@neenerspb I love your blogs. They make my day.

… I’m retweetig that shit. Why? Because you should know how awesome I am.

3. Unverified ReTweets – Check and make sure that what you’re retweeting is actually interesting. Also, make sure that it’s not offensive so that you can include that in your retweet. The last thing you need is someone opening up “Cakefarts.com” at work.

2. Religious Tweeters – I may need Jesus, but I don’t want to find him on Twitter.

1. Negative Tweeters – Nothing annoys me more than someone whose every tweet is about their latest ailment, family fight, or overall drama. Seriously, no one wants to hear it. Harsh, but true.

So, what are your Twitter pet peeves?

Nina’s Top Ten Summer Movies

We’re entering my favorite movie-going season. I am a fan of summer blockbusters, or at least the idea of them. Big budgets, explosions, special effects, movie stars. It’s the perfect combination for an afternoon of mindless fun with a bucket of buttery popcorn and a cup of sugary pop. Here’s what’s on my must-see list for Summer ’09.

10. Away We Go (6/11) – Maya Rudolph (Saturday Night Live) and John Krasinski (The Office) play a couple expecting their first child. They decide to travel across the U.S. in order to find a place to settle down and raise their family. Hilarity ensues.

9. Inglourious Basterds (8/21) – It’s Quenten Tarantino, Brad Pitt, that other guy from The Office and scalps! How could I not go see this?

8. Public Enemies (7/1) – Johnny Depp is John Dillinger, bank robber extraordinare and Christian Bale is the law hot on his ass. This cops and robbers tale takes place in the 1930′s and tells the true story of the events that eventually led to the creation of the FBI. Oh, and Channing Tatum is also in it. That’s three pieces of eye candy for the ladies keeping count.

7. Up (5/29) – I don’t usually see animated films in the theater. I prefer to buy them on Blu-Ray and watch them at home on Family Movie Night. But this latest from Pixar looks cute and might be worth my matinee time/money.

6. Year One (6/19) – Jack Black and Michael Cera take the buddy/road trip flick back old school-style. I laughed several times during this trailer so I’d give it a matinee shot. Also, McLovin is in it. And I loves me some McLovin.

5. Taking of Pelham 123 (6/12) – Denzel Washington plays a NYC cop on duty at the wrong time as he witnesses the hijacking of a NYC train by bad guy John Travolta. This a remake of a 1974 film by the same name and that was based on a book. I think it’s worth seeing for the main stars alone (even though Travolta inexplicably looks like Howie from the Backstreet Boys – tell me I’m wrong.) It also stars John Turturro and James Gandolfini.

4. G.I. Joe: The Rise of the Cobra (8/7) – What I love about this trailer is that when we first saw it (during the Super Bowl) we had NO IDEA what it was about. Not until the very end did we realize it was a movie based on some rather silly toys. But still, it fits the bill of the perfect summer blockbuster to a T. Therefore, I’ll be there. And I’ll even pay full price.

3. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (6/26) - Two words:

Fuck. Yeah.

2. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen – I’m not gonna front. I’ll see that shit twice. Don’t judge me.

1. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (7/15) – If Donny won’t go with me. I’ll go alone. I did it for HP and the Order of the Phoenix and I’ll do it again. There’s no shame in my game. And yes, I will cry at “that part.”

Honorable mention because it doesn’t come out till November:

The best movie I’ve seen so far this year:

Star Trek

What films are you looking forward to?

Nina’s Top Ten Questions on My Mind

1o. Why are there no black people on The Bachelor/Bachelorette? Does ABC assume that people wouldn’t tune in to see 25 black men or women vie for the attention of another? Are there not enough desperate black people trying to get famous find love to participate? VH1 seems to have no problem finding them for Flavor of Love and I Love New York.

9. What is the big deal with this Susan Boyle? So? A fat and ugly woman can sing. There are millions of those singing their fat ugly hearts out in churches across the country every Sunday.

 

8. How do you clean a dishwasher?

7. Where the hell did I put that $25 iTunes gift card?

6. Why are the best tasting foods (pizza, chocolate, burgers, fries, pie) the worst for you? Why isn’t there an all-hot wings diet?

5. Speaking of which… isn’t everything better with bacon?

4. Does my ass make these jeans look big?

3. Did the south just get together and collectively decide they were going to be sucky drivers? Is this their way of getting us Yankees to go back home?

2. Is it a blessing or a curse that the new Best Buy is literally three minutes from my house?

Which leads to…

1. Why wasn’t I born independently wealthy?

What questions are on your mind this week?

Have a Top Ten suggestion? Send it to nina@blogitoutb.com and you may see it here one week.

Nina’s Top Ten People That Can Kiss My Ass

10. My biology teacher – I would like to say that things got better from the time I posted this blog at the start of the semester. They did not. My whole semester was plagued with vague instructions, poorly designed exams, an unanswered questions.

“I’m not sure what you’re asking. Is there a question there?”

Um, bitch, those sentences that end with question marks? Yeah, those would be questions.

“I’m not inclined to open past exams.”

Well, when the syllabus says I had until the 25th to take it, yet you closed it on the 22nd, your ass better get inclined!

I hate her. I am happy to be done with her. And I better not get less than a B in both of her classes.

9. The HP laptop people – Why is it that I’ve had this laptop for a little more than a year and I’ve already had to buy THREE replacement power cords at $80 a pop?

Why can’t you make the part that plugs into the laptop sturdier? Why does one tug from my 10-month old cause it to break like a waterboarded detainee? Sure, he’s healthy, but it’s not like he’s Bam-Bam!

Donny has an ASUS laptop he has dubbed “The Beast” – I think he just likes leering at me, “You wanna play with The Beast, huh?” when I ask to use it. But anyway, why can’t you be more like them? Jack can do a full body flop on that thing and it remains intact. It’s like it’s made of adamantium.

8. The ASU students who missed their own graduation – To those students who boycotted their own college graduation because they didn’t think that Obama was accomplished enough to be the commencement speaker or receive an honorary degree, kiss my ass! He’s the president!

He was the president of the Harvard Law Review. Meanwhile your greatest achievement is playing the perfect game of beer pong and graduating from ASU. Keep your honorary degree, bitch.

7. The people of Red Robin restaurant – It’s been two weeks, people! Two whole weeks and yet I’m still thinking about that damn food. What the hell did you do to me?

The chili nachos? Delicious. Whose idea was it anyway to put those two tasty treats together? Chili.on.nachos? Sinful. Bottomless steak fries? Screw you! Bottomless fizzy drinks? You devil!

The tower of onion rings is just wrong. I don’t even like onion rings! What are those two dipping sauces you provide? Shame and regret?

But the ultimate assault on my thighs came in the form of a burger. The Banzai burger. Made me wanna smack my Mama.

6. The boneheads at NBC and CBS – The ones that canceled Medium and The Unit. Idiots. Hey, Mr. Moonves how ’bout you concentrate on finding a human to host Big Brother and leave the real shows to people with sense. Like that genius that decided to snatch up Medium after the jackasses at NBC canceled it.

5. Keanu Reeves – The Day the Earth Stood Still is the day I wanted my damn money back. Blu-Ray ain’t cheap, you know!

4. Annoying Tweeters – First, there are the inspirational tweeters. You know those desk calendars where you rip off each day and each has some uplifting quote? Well, these tweeters will tweet like a month’s worth… by noon.

And then there are the social media experts who bombard me with annoying tweets on how to get people to follow me.

I like a mixture of self-promotion and real-life updates. Pimp your blog, pimp your friend’s blog, share something funny you found on the internet, but also tell me what you had for lunch.

Let me worry about how to get people to follow me. I’ll continue to do what I’ve always done – be awesome.

3. The fucker who gave me this cold – I worked my ass off the last two months of the semester and counted down the days until I’d be free. The day finally arrives and what happens? I catch your cooties. Don’t let me find your ass.

2. Those bitches at Red Robin – I know I said them already, but I can’t stop thinking about that damn burger!

1. All of my annoying (now-ex) classmates – Now that the semester is over I can tell all of the annoying, stupid, dumb-question-asking, no-home-training-having, immature, talking-while-the-professor-talks, asshole, jackass classmates of mine to kiss.my.ass!

Who do you want to kiss your ass? Go ahead. Vent. It feels good!

Have a top ten suggestion? Send it to nina@blogitoutb.com and you may see it featured here one week.

Nina’s Top Ten Signs You Have No Home Training

Get out your pen and paper. It’s quiz time!

10) You’re invited to a dinner party. It’s the day of the party and you have no idea if children are invited. You call and call the host, but get a busy signal. Do you…

A – Call a sitter just in case and show up without your children.

B – Show up with your children and apologize if it seems to be a problem.

C – Show up with your children without apologizing. After all, if they didn’t want children in attendance they should have specified.

9) You have some kind of event at your home that requires gifts (baby shower, bridal shower, birthday/housewarming party, etc.) Do you…

A – Thank people in attendance as you open their gifts, and then mail personal thank you cards within one week of event.

B – Thank people in attendance as you open their gifts, and shoot a thank you e-mail to anyone that sent a gift, but didn’t attend.

C – Gratitude is for suckers.

8 ) You’re in the self check-out lane at your local market, ringing items up, when you realize you don’t want some of the items. Do you…

A – Finish ringing up your purchases, and then take each unwanted item back to it’s proper place within the store.

B – Inform the check-out attendant that you don’t want the items and give them to him/her.

C – Leave them on the conveyor belt for the next person to deal with.

7) You’re invited to a social gathering at someone’s home. You offer to bring something, but the host says it’s not necessary. Do you…

A – Show up with something (a bottle of wine, plate of cookies, flower bouquet) anyway.

B – Show up empty-handed, but offer to help clear the table/wash dishes after dinner.

C – Show up empty-handed.

6) Your neighbor is taking her kids to see the latest big-budget animation flick. She offers to take your kid as well. Do you…

A – Assume nothing and offer up money for your child’s ticket and possible concession stand wants.

B – Assume the ticket is paid for and send your child with money for anything they might want from the concession stand.

C – Just let your kid go with no offer to pay for anything.

5) You find a ten-dollar bill wrapped in a receipt in the parking lot of your kid’s school. Do you…

A – Turn it in to the office. Maybe the secretary can make an announcement.

B – Ask some people in the immediate area. If no one claims it, keep it.

C – Finders keepers, losers…  are out ten bucks!

4) You have your sister’s kid at the mall the week before Christmas. Santa is there taking pics and the line is really short. It’s the kid’s first Christmas. Do you…

A – Keep on walkin’.

B – Call your sister and ask if she’d mind you having the pictures taken.

C – Get in line without calling your sister, get the pictures taken, and hop in one of ‘em to boot!

3) You’re at a dinner party when you drop a messy hors d’ oeuvre on the floor. No one sees. Do you…

A – Pick it up, tell the host you did it, and offer to clean it up.

B – Tell the host that “someone” did it.

C – Say nothing, and kick it under the sofa careful not to get any on your shoe.

2) You’re leaving a store with your child and putting him/her into their car seat when you notice they have something from the store and you didn’t pay for it. You’re running late to your next appointment. Do you…

A – Go back in the store to pay for the item or return it with apologies.

B – Leave without going back into the store, but you return later with the item to either pay for it or apologize.

C – Leave.

1) You’re at your boyfriend’s parent’s house for the first time. Everyone is sitting around the living room chatting over coffee when you feel a major fart coming on. You could leave the room, but the movement might unleash the dragon. Do you…

A – Hold it in even though you risk blowing out your belly button.

B – Risk leaving the room. It’s rude to fart in front of others, but if it escapes while you’re trying to do the right thing, well… that’s not your fault, right?

C – You let it rip and then glare at the dog.

Tally up!

Give yourself 3pts for every A answer, 2pts for every B answer, and 1 pt. for every C answer.  Add up your points.

1-15 points – You’re like, one step above a felon. How do you look at yourself in the mirror. Wait. Is that even your mirror?

16-24 points – You suspect. I can be your friend, but you might not be welcome in my house.

25-30 points – Your mama raised you right! Who’s your mama? Martha Stewart?

If you have an idea for future Top Ten topic, send it to me at nina@blogitoutb.com. You may see it here one Wednesday. Also, if you have some bad behavior venting to get off your chest, head over to How Rude Are You and let loose!

Nina’s Top Ten Most Embarrassing Situations

Some of these are general, and some are specific incidents that pertain to me. All are downright cringe-worthy.

10. Denied!

When you try to pay for something with your credit/debit card, and it’s declined. Then you have to do that, “I don’t understand. I know there’s money available/in the account,” speech. And no one around believes you. They should! It’s not like you were trying to pass a check. Anyone that presents a credit/debit card truly believes that it will be accepted. No one chooses to put themselves through that experience on purpose, right?

This hasn’t happened to me in years. Why? Because I don’t play that shit. I always check my bank balance before leaving the house to shop. Always. Don’t use credit cards anymore. I spent a lot of my 20′s being embarrassed due to poor money management skills and shitty luck. Also, I’m not tryna have that shit happen with my kids around.

“Mommy, I thought we were getting groceries.”

“Not today, baby. We don’t really need to eat.”

9. Out of the mouths of babes

Speaking of children… when your kid says something they shouldn’t… in public… loudly.

Standing in the cereal aisle. “Mommy, did you just fart?”

A few years ago, Kal and Donny were checking out of Best Buy. He was purchasing a few video games.

“Does Mommy know you’re buying all this stuff?”

What’s worse is when they repeat something they’ve heard around the house in public.

“Mommy, you know how Daddy is always saying he’s gonna backhand you?”

(Donny does threaten this, but he’s totally joking. I think.)

The last time this happened, Kali made me sound really bad. We were going to my parents’ house for my nephew’s first birthday party. Due to procrastination, we ended up at Walmart down the road from their house an hour before the party buying his presents. We picked out some clothes and some kind of toy. Kali, way too excited, kept picking up things she would like. She handed me a pink Care Bear and I told her no, we’d already gotten Elijah enough things. When we got to the party, she told my stepmother, “I wanted to get a bear for Elijah, but my mother said we’d already bought him enough.”

Now, that’s what I said, but when she said it, it made me sound like a cheap-ass auntie!

8. Bodily fluids rearing their heads at inappropriate times.

I remember being a kid and traveling on the train to and from school with some neighborhood kids that I hated. One girl in particular was a big ole bitch. She was a tomboy and really mean. She was awful to me and highly intimidating.

One day, we were on the train and I had a runny nose. I was standing in front of her holding on to the pole while she, and some of our friends, sat. It was hard to be a part of the conversation because looking down did nothing to stop the snot flow and I had to keep sniffing. Then, I felt a river of snot making it’s way down my nostril and I couldn’t stop it. It was like the whole thing happened in slow motion.

It was a like a big fat raindrop and it landed right on mean girl’s shoe. And she noticed. And she said something so that those hadn’t noticed, would. She was a cunt like that.

“You just gonna leave that there on my shoe?”

God, I hated that bitch.

7. Snarting

Snarting – When you sneeze and fart at the same time.

The only thing worse than snarting is…

6. Sharting

Sharting - When you go to fart, but end up… well, you know.

5. What’s That Smell?

Speaking of shit…

There once was a girl that had to poop really badly, but she couldn’t do so without having something to read. Butt clenched tightly, she scrambled to find something, anything, that she could take with her to the bathroom. She finally found a TV Guide and rushed to do her business.

Hours later, her husband came home and complained that the bathroom still smelled of poo. A vigorous search revealed that in her haste, Poo Girl, had managed to get some poo on the lip of the sink.

I swear, it’s not me.

4. When are you due… be do be do…  *whistle*

Never, ever, enquire about a woman’s pregnancy unless you are 100% positive she is pregnant. And by that I mean, you can see the baby emerging from her vagina. Other than that, keep your mouth shut!

Once, when Kali was like 2, we took her to The Picture People to have her portrait taken. While we waited for our turn, one of the young girls working asked me, “Do you know what you’re having?”

I thought she meant did I know which package we were going to buy or which background we wanted to use. So, I said, “Not yet, we’re still deciding.” It wasn’t until I saw the look of confusion, then mortification, on her face, and the complete look of horror on her co-worker’s face did I realize what she meant. We all just kinda pretended it hadn’t happened.

For the record, I was sitting on a stool and my sweatshirt puffed out making me look bigger than I was. But it was still freakin’ embarrassing.

3. Remember that time… wait. What? That wasn’t you?

Don’t you hate when you start telling a story in which you’re reminiscing with someone, and you’re talking to the wrong someone? Well, that’s particularly messed up when it’s your significant other/spouse.

And even six more shades of wrong when it’s something that suggests that you were a totally different person.

“Honey, remember when we got caught having sex in the back of my car?”

“Um, no.”

“Sure you do. We were out by that old field and it was raining…”

“No.”

“Come on! And then the cops showed up and your foot was hanging out the window and he shined his flashlight right on your ankle tattoo.. and wait… you don’t have an ankle tattoo.”

2. Hi, don’t I know you?

That isn’t just a really bad pick-up line.

Nothing makes you look like more of a tool than striking up a conversation with someone thinking they’re someone else.

And the number one embarrassing situation?

1. One word:

Queefs.

What embarrassing stories can you share that fit into one of the categories above? What about another situation?

Have an idea for a Nina’s Top Ten? Send your suggestion to nina@blogitoutb.com and you just may see it here one Wednesday with a special shout-out to you and your brilliance… made even more brilliant by own.

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