My First Experience With Curling

This blog was originally written and posted on Myspace on February 17, 2006

Around 4am this morning, Donny and I were watching a rebroadcast of the Olympic games.  I never really pay attention to the Olympics unless there’s some scandal beforehand.  Like when that trailer trash girl paid someone to maim the horseface chick.  Good stuff.

Oh, and then there was the summer the Olympics were here in Atlanta and I turned into a female gymnastics groupie…but that’s for another blog.

It was during this rebroadcast that I discovered the lamest of all Olympic sports.  Curling.  As far as I can tell, it goes like this:

I’m not sure how many are on a team total, but one guy pushes this heavy ass round stone with a handle on it down an icy lane.

While it travels towards the goal (a bulls eye set of circles)…

… two other teammates kind of mop the floor in front of it with these Swiffer brooms.

This is done to keep the stone moving and increase the ridicule factor.

The objective is to get your stone as close to the middle of the circle as possible, earning points for where you land and to knock your opponents’ stones out the way….I think.

Why is this sport lame?

Where is the fucking skill in this?  A really conscientious housewife could rack up the gold medals. And not to mention all the mexican housekeepers.

I was alarmed to find out that my husband knew way too much about this “sport”.  As the Swedish pusher pushed the stone down the ice he began to yell and chant.  It was in Swedish but I’m pretty sure he was yelling, “Mop it, mop it, mop that floor you bastards!  Go, go, go!”

At least that’s what I would have been yelling.

And then the commentators felt the need to pepper their analysis  with little known facts.

“Sven is also a Rubik’s cube world champion.  He can solve one in 25 seconds.”

Me: These guys get no pussy.

Donny: Shhh!!!

Sven and his buddies manage to knock out an opposing team’s stone and land theirs almost dead center.
Donny: See, they get three points for that.  Did you know the U.S. team is the only team that makes its members try out for this?

Me: We partake of this madness?

Donny: Yup.  The other countries handpick their teams so they usually have the same members from like the 70’s!

Obviously, he doesn’t want anymore pussy either.

Lost S6 Epi. 2 “What Kate Does”

I just wanna say that I already knew this episode would be slow and boring because I don’t give a crap what Kate does. Anyway, better late than never.

Previously on Lost: Sawyer and Juliet play house and then she dies. Sawyer blames Kate. Sayid dies, but not really. Everyone is all, “WTF?”

And now…

The translator dude tells Prince that Sayid is alive. Dun-dun-dun.

Sawyer is all, ‘It’s so unfair that the Iraqi torturer who shoots kids lives, but my honey dies and stays dead.” He wants to make a run for it.

At the airport, Kate hijacks Claire’s cab. The cabbie runs off at a light leaving Kate to drive with her handcuffs on. She takes Claire’s purse and leaves her on the side of the road without her suitcase. Alternate Reality Kate is a bad mamma jamma.

On the island, Hurley, Jack and Miles explain to Sayid that the others are protecting them at the temple. Also, there’s lots of marveling over the fact that Sayid’s wound is almost healed.

Prince shows up and he wants to speak to Sayid alone, but Jack ain’t havin’ it. In the scuffle that follows, Sawyer grabs a gun and tells them he’s leaving. Prince deals with the dirty feel on English on his tongue long enough to tell Sawyer that he has to stay and Sawyer is all, “I don’t have to do anything but be black and die.” Wait. What?

Kate offers to go after Sawyer ’cause she’s a master tracker. Jin offers to go for reasons unmentioned. I almost forgot he was there. Everyone is all, “What makes you think Sawyer will come back with you?” And Kate is all, “Look at me!”

In Los Angeles, Kate makes friends with a mechanic with a skewed moral compass and a need for $200. He removes her cuffs and gives her a place to change. She calls herself changing into Claire’s clothes… wait… did she think she was gonna wear maternity clothes? Anyway, she is surprised to find the suitcase filled with onesies and teddy bears. NOW she feels all sad? Did she not realize that the pregnant woman she put out on the side of the road might need the shit in her suitcase?! Kate sucks.

On the island, two of the Others prepare to go with Kate and Jin to find Sawyer. She and Jack share a goodbye and I try not to puke.

Prince tortures Sayid. Karma karma chameleon. At the end, they tell him he’s going to be okay… they’re lying.

Kate goes back to where she left Claire which is obviously so close to the airport you can hear the fucking planes taking off, but far enough that she felt comfortable enough to go back and not run into cops. Claire is, also miraculously, still there. kate offers to take Claire to where the adoptive parents live.

On the island, one of the Others (Aldo) tell Kate and Jin they are protecting them from the smoke monster. Aldo is super rude to Kate. Turns out, she knocked him out three years ago when she escaped from the Others back when Ben had his back surgery. Damn. He never heard of bygones. Kate does some badass knockout shit and escapes from him… again. Aldo sucks.

At the temple, Jack confronts Prince for torturing Sayid. He tells him that Sayid is infected and that Jack has to get him to take a pill. Jack is like, why didn’t you make him take it when you were torturing him? And Prince is like, first of all, we didn’t torture him, we diagnosed him and second, I don’t know him like that. He then taps into Jack’s “savior complex” and tells him he has to get Sayid to take the pill or else Sayid’s infection will spread.

Jack tells Hurley and Miles to scram (at least now Hurley has a “not now, the grown folks are talking” buddy) and tells Sayid about the pill. Sayid says he’ll take it if Jack tells him to ’cause you know, Jack’s advice so far has been spot on.

Kate tells Jin she’s going to catch up with Sawyer and he tells her he’s going to find his wife.

In Los Angeles, Claire shows up at the adoptive parents house and the wife is all, I’m not taking your baby because my husband left me and I can’t do it alone. And Kate is all, um, you coulda given a sistah a heads-up, a phone call, something! Claire goes into labor.

On the island, Kate finds Sawyer at his old house with Juliet. The Others camp is all jacked up because it’s present day and the smoke monster has been through there. Sawyer finds a box he had hidden an engagement ring in still in the floorboards from the 70’s. Awwww. Kate is all Nosy McNoserstein when Sawyer busts her. I kinda hoped he’d shoot her by accident.

In Los Angeles, Kate takes Claire to the emergency room. Her doctor is… Ethan!!! Dr. Ethan Goodspeed. He tells Claire she could have her baby today if she wanted, or he could stop the labor.Wow. Wish it were really that damn easy. Then the baby monitor loses his heartbeat and Claire almost has a … baby… but she calms down when they figure out that Aaron was just scooting his little ass around and they lost the heartbeat.

Back on the island, there’s some mushiness between Kate and Sawyer. She admits that she needs to find Claire and that she was hoping he could help her find her for Aaron. Sawyer blames himself for convincing Juliet to stay three years ago and now she’s dead.

I’m bored.

Jack goes to see Prince. Prince explains that he uses a translator because he keeps him separate from the people he’s in charge of. His name is something I can’t spell, so I’ma keep calling him Prince. He says he was brought to the island just like everyone else. He tells Jack that Sayid must take the pill, but he wont tell Jack what’s in it. Tell him for God’s sake! You only have 13 more hours left!

Jack swallows the pill and Prince hits him the throat and stomach till it comes out. Yeah, watching someone get hit in the throat never gets old. Prince finally admits it’s poison in the pill.

In Los Angeles, Claire covers for Kate when the cops come sniffing around. This part is so not believable. Claire says that Kate was just her cab driver, but I’m sure the real cabbie told the cops about Kate jackin’ his ride. Anyway, Claire gives Kate her credit card, and Kate, because she’s just triflin’ like that, takes it.

On the island, Sawyer goes back into his house and Kate leaves.

I’m still bored.

Prince can’t believe Jack swallowed the pill and gives him tea. I’m surprised that Jack drinks it, but then again, his throat must hurt. Prince tells Jack that they want to kill Sayid because they believe he has been “claimed.” There’s a darkness growing in Sayid and once it reaches his heart, everything he once was will be gone. Jack asks how Prince can be sure and he tells him,

“It happened to your sister.”

Ruh-roh.

Jin and his non-tracking ass gets snatched up by Aldo and Justin (the black Other.) Aldo wants to kill him, but Justin says they can’t because he’s “one of them.” Aldo says, “He may be one of them.” Very interesting for next week.

Anyway, someone shoots them before they can kill Jin. It’s Claire looking all bushwoman crazy a la Danielle!

Snoopy McSnooperstein

I would like to point out right away that I was not snooping on purpose. Oh, I was snooping, but it was because the opportunity to do so kinda fell in my lap. Like, when you find a dollar on the street. You don’t walk around looking for dollars on the street, but when one presents itself, you’d be a dumbass not to take it.

And, quite frankly, even if I were looking to snoop, it would be my right seeing as how I carried her for nine months and went through 26 hours of labor (24 without drugs) and pushed her out in 53 minutes which, I’m told, is a Herculean-like feat for a first time pusher.

And really, let’s blame Facebook. And Farmville while we’re at it. It’s not my fault that Kali got bored with Farmville after a week forcing me to log in to her Facebook account and tend to her farm because really, I take my farming very fucking seriously. And, and, and, it’s not my fault Facebook allows two people to be logged in to the same account from separate laptops thus allowing me to see everything that is going on with her account in real time.

Note: So, if you are a parent looking for a way to snoop, there you have it. You’re welcome. And don’t feel bad, damnit. It is your God-given right!

Usually, I give Kali a heads-up that I am logging in to her account so she can log out. It is so annoying to have her little chat boxes popping up when I’m trying to harvest my crops. A grown ass woman can only take but so much OMGs and LOLs and my personal favorite, OMGCYBI?!!111!?

Last night I didn’t tell her I was logging in because I planned on being in and out. I posted a feather collection and I wanted her to snatch one. (Don’t judge me!) So, there I am waiting for Farmville to load when a chat box pops up. (I’d also like to point out that Kali has about 12 chat boxes minimized at the bottom of her screen. I honestly don’t know how she does it.)

So, this chat box pops up and it’s from a little boy in her class. Let’s call him “David.” And I’m pretty sure he’s the little boy pulled from school early the day Obama gave his speech to students and he told Kali, “My parents don’t like Obama and black people.”

Fucking lovely. Tell me again how this sudden surge in anti-government/anti-Obama rhetoric is not about race at all.

Anyway, the box pops up and little David says…

“Xena says that you think I like you cause I keep sending you game invites.”

Note: I am totally going to correct the spelling in the retelling because typing all of those “u’s” and ur’s” gave me a headache.

And Kali says….

“Um, no.”

“Oh, ok. Because no offense, but I don’t like you like that.”

Well, fuck you, little twerp.

He continues…

“Can I ask you a question? Do you like me and do you like anyone in our class?”

And my girl replies…

“Um, that sounds like two questions and the answer to both is no.”

My daughter is fucking awesome!

“OK. Well, can I tell you who I do like?”

“Sure.”

“You have to promise not to tell anyone.”

“I swear.”

“Destiny.”

“WOW. I didn’t see that coming.”

Neither did I, ’cause not for nothing, Destiny sounds like a black girl’s name and I can bet mini-David Duke’s parents ain’t having it. I should probably point out that – in case this is your first time on my site – I am black, my husband is white and Kali looks white. Like, could totally pass if she wanted to. Thankfully, she doesn’t.

Then he clarifies….

“The white one, not the black one.”

“Oh.”

Oh.

At this point, my daughter starts a new chat with another friend.

“I KNOW WHO DAVID LIKES!!!”

When I tell this to Donny his response is, “Our daughter is trifling.”

“I know, right?”

What follows is five minutes of this kid trying to get my daughter to admit that she likes ANYONE in their class and my daughter telling him she doesn’t. Either that, or it was five minutes of Kali realizing I was in her account and not setting herself up for an ass-whipping.

So, Donny posts a gold egg and I go to Kali’s home page to get one. (Hey, what did I say about the judging!?) And I see this status update from one of her other friends. We’ll call her “Angela.”

“I love my boyfriend soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much!”

OMGCYBI!?!?11?!

Another little girl leaves a comment asking, “Who is your boyfriend?” And I’m guessing Angela tells her privately because dumbass comes back and leaves another comment saying, “Harrison? Really?” (We’re just gonna call him “Harrison.”)

Then, a few comments down, Harrison weighs in…

“And I have the best girlfriend ever!”

People, these kids are TEN. TEN! 10. 1-0. One-Zero. Just barely into double fucking digits ten!

At this point, I’m ready to chime in that these kids need Jesus, but I’d be doing so under Kali’s name thus ensuring she will never have friends or a boyfriend of her own… and suddenly, the idea doesn’t seem so bad.

“Nina! Log out of her account. Stop being nosy. You’re invading her privacy!”

“Are you new? She doesn’t have privacy! She’s ten! Also, she knows that I do this. I warned her. If she says or does something she knows I wouldn’t like, then she wants to get caught!”

Then an IM pops up from a little girl we shall call “Megan.” I don’t like Megan. Megan is grown and mean. Megan wears inappropriate clothes and influenced some inappropriate internet activity over a year ago. Megan’s partner-in-crime, a boy we shall call “Pete”, also sent Kali a Facebook friend request which I promptly “ignored.” She’s lucky I let her be Megan’s friend online… but only because I monitor.

So, I’ve seen IMs from Megan before and I can just tell what kind of teen she’s going to be. She’s going to be like all the girls I hated in junior high school and high school: catty, petty, jealous, boy-crazy, and sometimey. I want Kali to learn early that that isn’t the way to be. More importantly, I want her to learn how to not give a fuck when girls around her are that way. So far, it’s a hard lesson to drive home.

I scroll back and read the conversation from earlier that evening. Several times Megan referred to people or things as being “gay” which reinforced my belief that she’s a bitch-in-training. The rest of the conversation was her having a hissy fit because Kali wasn’t writing her back fast enough even when Kali explained several times that she wasn’t feeling well and even when Kali explained that she had been away from her laptop eating dinner.

“Fine. If you don’t write me back in five seconds, I am never talking to you again,” she wrote at one point when Kali was in the bathroom.

“5….4….3….2….”

“What?”

“Too late. BYE KALI!”

“Wait! What are you talking about?”

“I told you, you had five seconds to answer and you didn’t.”

“I was in the bathroom.”

‘Whateva.”

I couldn’t take it anymore. I typed,

“Goodbye, Megan!”

What I wanted to type was, “Goodbye, bitch,” but I’m adult and she’s ten and I ain’t tryna go to jail. It’s 9pm now and Kali’s laptop shuts off automatically. I hear her in the other room playing with Jack, but Megan is still typing away – threatening Kali that she’ll never speak to her again if she doesn’t answer her RIGHT NOW. Then, out of the blue, she asks…

“Have you ever kissed a girl?”

“Megan, this is Kali’s mother. Her laptop is off. She is not allowed online after 9pm. She is getting ready for school tomorrow.”

Like your little ass needs to be.

“Oh. OK. I’m sorry.”

Donny turns to me, “Do you feel better now?”

“No.”

I will feel better when Megan is no longer around my daughter in any capacity. I will feel better when we move in two weeks and Kali is in a new school and can start over. Oh, I’m sure the ten-year-olds in the new school are no different/better, but still.

I will feel better when I know that Kali realizes that calling something “gay” isn’t cool. I will feel better when Kali realizes that having a boyfriend at ten is out of the fucking question. I will feel better when Kali realizes that a ten-year-old girl asking another ten-year-old girl if she’s ever kissed a girl or boy is inappropriate. I will feel better when little David is old enough to decide for himself if he’s going to be a racist fuckstick or a decent human being so I don’t have to worry about my daughter associating with him in any fashion.

And that’s just a start.

A House Is A House Is A House

As I type this, I am dying.

I know what you’re thinking, “We’re all dying. Get over it, bitch.”

No. I am really dying. My throat is on fire, my body aches, I have chills, and to top it all off, my hair is a hot ass mess. (One day, I will figure out how to be sick and maintain a fabulous head of hair, but today ain’t that day.)

So, this whole dying thing wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for the fact that…

1. I am a Mommy and Mommies can’t get sick. Why? Because no matter how awesome Daddy is (and I think we all know that my husband is pretty fucking awesome. He’s like, 1045x more awesome than your husband, and you know it) Daddy just can’t get shit done like Mommy. Never mind that my husband does all of the cooking and cleaning, because the moment I get sick, he like, stops. I don’t get it. I really don’t. It’s like, he gets sick by association. Sympathy sick. I don’t know. All I know is I woke up this morning, went downstairs for the first time since Friday evening and realized that my whole first floor was a hot fucking mess (not to be confused with hot ass mess which is the current state of my hair. Pay attention!)

2. I have shit to do!

So, we’re moving and moving sucks. No. It really, really does. Don’t believe me? Gee, I’d count all the ways moving sucks but I seriously don’t have the time, energy, or bandwidth to adequately relay the amount of suckage moving incorporates.

And our move particularly sucks donkey balls because we are downsizing. When we moved here, we were upsizing (yes, I made that word up. I can do that. It’s my blog.) Super-sizing, if you will. We went from two bedrooms, living room, 2.5 baths, kitchen, dining room to four bedrooms, bonus room, family room, kitchen, 3 full baths, formal living room, and formal dining room.

When you’re packing for a bigger house you don’t have to be so picky and decision-making-y.

“What’s that? A closet full of clothes you never wear? Take them all! Have you seen the master closet? It’s like a mini-bedroom. It’s like, bigger than that room under the stairs the Dursleys made Harry Potter sleep in! We’re gonna have so much room. We’re gonna be like the motherfucking Clampetts!”

When you’re downsizing? Not so much. We had big plans for rooms we never went into. I could go months without going into the formal living room. There are rooms that were never fully furnished. I mean, it’s kinda hard to afford furniture for the house when you’re busy trying to, oh, I don’t know, afford the fucking house! And not just the house itself, but the cost of heating the house.

Between doing the flat bill every month, then cancelling the flat bill cause I swore we could do better than what they were charging, then falling a month behind, then having them tack on the difference for cancelling the flat bill, and a late fee and carry the two… agggh… so I called the electric company on Friday and I said, “How much do I have to pay you right now to be current?”
And she said….

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

Wait.

For.

It.

$806!

“Eight hundred and six dollars?!”

She started to give me a bill breakdown and I asked her if she could just please shut her filthy mouth. Then I went online and paid the $806 and tried not to vomit. I was comforted by the fact that in a few short weeks I’d be in a much smaller house that didn’t cost a kajillion dollars to heat/cool.

So, where was I? Oh yeah, so we’re trying to fit big house stuff into smaller house and it’s a pain in the ass. I have found that I am not only emotionally attached to the house, but I’m tethered to the stuff in the house and even moreso when I realize that the stuff isn’t going to make the five minute trip up the road to the new subdivision.

“But I love that futon!” I wailed after Donny explained we’d have to trash the futon we purchased back when we got our very first one bedroom apartment together. (See. When you upsize, EVERYTHING goes with you!)

“Nina. You don’t even use the futon.”

He was right, of course. It resides in our bonus room (the kid’s playroom), and I probably sit my ass on it once a week and that’s only when I go in there to extend the programs on the TiVo.

Other items not making the trip? A twin bed, a dresser, one of our dining tables, and my elliptical.

Wait. What?

Donny claims we won’t have room for it. I’m not a big fan of exercise equipment in the bedroom. I think it looks tacky and it inevitably ends up being a very expensive hamper. First, it was in the family room because that’s where the Wii is and I figured I could do Wii Fit, then the elliptical. Then we moved it to the formal living room because I thought it made the family room cluttered and we’d recently redecorated/painted. But there isn’t a TV in the formal living room and I can’t work out without a TV, right? So, I made my husband lug the monstrosity up to the bonus room, and I can’t quite remember what my excuse was for not using it up there.

Oh, yeah. I’m lazy.

And let’s not even talk about the nursery. Seriously. I cannot bring myself to pack it up. Longtime readers will remember the money and care, but more importantly money, that went into preparing that room for Jack. I mean, I gave up a pair of Louboutins for that nursery! Yes, I won a bet and hit my weight loss goal before getting pregnant and my reward was to be a $700 pair of shoes which I decided would be irresponsible (well, MORE irresponsible) considering the fact that we had a baby on the way and they can’t eat or sleep in designer shoes. No matter how fabulous they are.

And never mind the fact that Jack has not once, not one time, not even half a time, slept in that room. That’s not the point! The point is, it’s his room and I designed it and it’s special because he is special and I said so. So, dismantling the crib that he has not once, not one time, not even half a time, slept in has fallen to Donny because I am too emotional to do it.

And also, I’m lazy.

Isn’t the crib going to the new house, you ask? Well, yes. But again, you people are missing the point.

And it’s not like the new house isn’t about seven, no eight, kinds of awesome. Because it is. Beautiful hardwood floors on the entire first floor, new countertops, awesome his and her master bath sinks, and kickass toilets that normally cost approximately$456,987.33 but because the current owner works for Home Depot and waited for them to go on sale, he got them for like, $20. Right now you’re probably thinking, “Doesn’t Donny work for….” Don’t. Even. Say. It. (Donny thanks you.)

Anyway, it’s a downgrade in size, but an upgrade in so many regards, especially financial and I’m trying to be grateful. Actually, I am grateful. And excited.

It would just be great if I didn’t feel like death warmed over right now.

Happy Monday! How’s yours going?

How Jenna Found Out I Loved Her – Part 3

Click here to read part one.

Click here to read part two.

Everything changed the weekend of the hiking trip. The church had organized a team-building outing for the youth group. I wasn’t very athletic and just the thought of hiking made my head ache. I would go because Jenna was going and my mother had insisted that Eloise and I participate in anything church related.

We rode the church bus to the park; Eloise wore frayed shorts from Goodwill and a pair of sneakers that used to be mine. The running sneakers looked new since I’d barely worn them. My father complained that I wasn’t more active. My mother did as well, but for a totally different reason. My father longed to have a child that was good at something, anything. Someone he could brag about to co-workers and root for at sporting events. Eloise was really good at volleyball, but he didn’t notice. My mother complained about idle hands being the devil’s workshop. My hands weren’t idle; they wrote furiously.

Jenna sat in front of us, next to Carrie, and across the aisle from Jacob. The youth leaders, Elizabeth and Brian, a married couple in their twenties, sat at the front of the bus and tried to encourage a sing-along. No one seemed interested. We arrived at the park and were given the agenda for the day; we’d hike the trail and rest for lunch and some activities. Afterwards, we’d hike back to the bus and be home in time for dinner.

We set off, everyone carrying a backpack with water and food. A few people took pictures. I made mental notes for my nightly journal entry. I didn’t bring it with me because I didn’t want to answer questions about it. I’d have to rely on memory to accurately describe the Georgia spring day that felt more like summer or the way Jenna squealed when a bee flew too close to her face.

We’d walked for an hour before coming to the clearing where we’d have lunch. I’d packed food for Eloise and I; peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, grapes, and carrot sticks. Elizabeth handed out bottles of water and we ate in silence before the exercises began. Everyone took turns standing atop a cooler with our backs to the rest of the group. Brian instructed the person on the cooler to fold his arms across his chest and fall backwards. The rest of the group was charged with catching him. I childishly considered not reaching out to catch Jacob when it was his turn, but knew that wouldn’t be very Christian.

When it came time for the dozen or so of us to sit in a circle for a sharing activity, I was surprised when Eloise didn’t sit next to me, but rather directly across the clearing. My surprise turned to pride when I thought that this was the point of the whole trip – to open up, to grow, to trust not just others, but yourself. Eloise couldn’t be by my side every time she went out in public. I’d be graduating next year and she’d have to learn to get along without me. Perhaps she’d realized this before I did.

We did some word association exercises where we had to say the first thing that popped into our head upon hearing words like, “Jesus,” “Faith,” and “Heaven.” We then went around the circle to divulge our greatest fears. When it was my turn I confessed that I worried I would not get into a good college and that I’d have to stay in our small town forever.

“That’s a lie.”

The whole group turned in the direction of the accusation. Eloise sat with her legs crossed and resting in her lap was my red leather notebook. Confusion over how and why she had it caused a delay in my reaction and so she was already opening it and reading, before I found my voice. And even then all I could manage was a weak, “Eloise?”

She read aloud as if I hadn’t spoken. Gone was the low-timbered voice that read from the bible in class, and in its place was a loud, assertive, and animated voice – like she was auditioning for a movie.

“Jenna is the most beautiful girl in school. In town. In the world. She asked me for a ride today after school. She needed to buy balloons for one of Carrie’s stupid parties. I agreed because I got to spend time with her alone. Time with Jenna without Jacob the mouth-breather lurking about, flexing his muscles and time without Carrie around talking about herself. I got to sit alone with her in my car and…”

“Samantha?”

Elizabeth’s voice, using my full name, called somewhere in the distance, but I was still watching Eloise read from my journal. She didn’t look up to see the reaction she was receiving by bearing my secrets and my soul. I was only vaguely aware of Jacob looking first amused and then angry, Carrie’s mixture of repulsion and annoyance and finally Jenna’s embarrassment and shock.

“In a perfect world,” Eloise continued to read, “I could tell Jenna I loved her and she’d love me back. But the world isn’t perfect – at least not our corner of it. In our world, I have to pretend to be something other than what I am. I have to pretend that I don’t want to kiss her every time…”

“Eloise!” I’d finally found my voice. Eloise stopped then, calmly lying my book face down in her lap as if it were hers. As if it had every right to be there and hadn’t been stolen from my room… when? The last time I remembered having it was the night before after dinner. She must have taken it early that morning while I was getting ready for the trip. The how wasn’t important though.

“Why?”

Eloise did not answer. She just looked at me with my father’s eyes before turning to Brian who had started to speak. “Perhaps we’ve had enough for today. Everyone gather your things. We’re heading back.” Eloise stood, walked across the clearing and dropped my notebook into my lap. It had served its purpose.

No one spoke to me or Eloise as we made our way back to the bus. I had a whole hour to figure out what had happened and why, yet I couldn’t come up with an answer that made any sense. Everyone paired up once again when choosing seats on the bus except this time, everyone gave both Eloise and I a wide berth. Rows of seats separated us from everyone else yet I could still hear snippets of hushed conversations.

Lesbian, gross, dyke, gay, and Jenna, did you know?

“Of course I didn’t know!” Jenna had responded with such disgust that my love for her immediately shriveled into a ball of shame that sat in my gut. It would remain there through the remainder of my junior year and grow as I was further shunned my senior year. It would cause fights between my first girlfriend and I my third year of college when I thought I’d finally been free to be myself. It would take many years for that ball to dissolve and allow me to breathe, to accept myself, to be a lesbian.

But that afternoon, on the bus back to town, that ball sat and pressed against my very soul. I wanted to vomit up lunch the way Eloise had spewed my secret.

“Why, Eloise? Why would you do this to me?” I whispered my plea to her erect profile. She wouldn’t look at me and I wasn’t sure I’d get an answer. If she’d read the whole journal, or any of the old ones, she had to know that I loved her too. I tried to protect her and I wanted nothing but good things for her. I’d always been on her side.

“I didn’t do it to you. I did it to her.” Eloise answered, but still didn’t look at me.

And it became clear. Eloise didn’t strike out at me or even Jenna. She was striking back against the woman who had forced her to live in a closet and had denied her birthday parties. She was striking back against the woman who’d kept a foot against her back since the day she came to live with us. Eloise had decided that hurting me was a small price to pay to bring public shame and humiliation to the woman who’d treated her like an inconvenient errand for five years.

Eloise had struck back against my mother.

Lost – S6, Epis. 1 & 2 “LA X (Parts 1&2)

Previously on Lost: Click here to read my recap of the 5th season’s finale.

And now…

First off, I can’t believe they showed a “previously on Lost” clip when they just spent the previous hour telling us what happened previously! Get on with it!

So Juliet hits the bomb with a rock and BAM!…

Jack’s on the plane and he and the stewardess that became a creepy brainwashed Other have the same conversation about his weak drink. Then Jack and Rose have the same conversation about Bernard in the bathroom and the plane gets all shaky and groany, but … nothing happens.

Bernard comes from the bathroom and he and Rose have a tender moment. Awww. I love Rose and Bernard and wish they were around more.

Jack goes to the bathroom and notices a bruise on his neck. He’s all WTF? And I’m all WTF? too.

When he comes back to his seat, Desmond is sitting in his row. Ruh-roh. That’s different. Jack feels like he knows Desmond, but doesn’t remember that he’s the jogger from before he fixed his wife or that he’s the guy in the hatch because in THIS reality, Jack never heard of no frakkin’ hatch. But I digress.

The plane flies on and below it, like WAY below it, like under the fucking ocean below it, is the island – the Dharma camp, the creepy four-toed foot statue, everything.

Damn.

So, now we’re back to when Jack drops the bomb. AGAIN! I feel like I’ve seen this scene like, fifty times already! OK, so I watched the finale about 50 times so that makes sense… don’t judge me.

Anyway, Juliet hits the bomb, things go white and silent and Kate wakes up, at night, in a tree with ringing in her ears. She’s all freaking out and I’m super annoyed by the ringing/underwater sound. This is not why I have surround sound, people!

She drops out of the tree and thankfully, her hearing returns, but I swear I can still hear the buzzing. Damn Lost. She starts wandering around the jungle and finds Miles. I love Miles.

They find wreckage and realize that it’s the Swan site AFTER Desmond blew it up which means they are back in current time. Jack and Sawyer are there too all knocked out and stuff. Jack doesn’t understand how the hatch was built if they blew it up in 1977. Sawyer is shitty and kicks Jack in the face. Kate gets between her two mens and I’m hoping she catches a flying fist, but no such luck.

Back on the plane, Jack goes to the bathroom (again.. he has the bladder of a 90-year-old) and sees the agent transporting Kate, who’s in the bathroom. She comes out, bumps into Jack, and he’s all atwitter. The agent leads her back to her seat. Sawyer walks by and knocks into the agent. Kate hides her handcuffs under her food tray. Little does she know, a man like Sawyer don’t care.

Arnst, (remember him?) is bugging Hurley. He recognizes him from his chicken franchise commercials. Hurley reveals that he won the lottery, liked chicken, and so he bought the company. I would totally do that. Except I’d buy Christian Louboutin.

Anyway, Sawyer is all, “don’t tell people you won the lottery cause people like me might try to jack yo shit,” and Hurley is all, “I’m the luckiest bastard ever.” That’s different too.

Hurley and Jin wake up with a knocked out Sayid. Jin knows they time traveled. They hear Sawyer yelling nearby and Jin goes for help. Kate hears someone calling for help under the rubble. It’s Juliet.

Back at the van, Hurley is about to hurl as Sayid coughs up blood. Sayid is convinced he’s about to die and go to hell since he lived his life as a badass torturing P.I.M.P. Hurley hears someone moving around in the jungle, grabs a gun that he can’t even load, and goes to investigate.

He finds… Jacob!

Back on the plane, Sun watches how affectionate Rose and Bernard are. Jin tells her to button her shirt. Apparently, in this reality, he’s still a controlling dick and not the Jin I came to adore.

Locke and Boone talk about why they were in Australia. Boone says he went to get his sister out of a bad relationship, but she didn’t want out. He doesn’t mention the whole boning his sister thing ’cause that’s not the kind of thing you tell someone you just met.

Anyway, that’s different too, cause she was on the plane. Maybe Maggie was off making Taken 2 and couldn’t make it back for the final season. Who knows?

Locke lies and says he went on a walkabout. At this point I’m incredibly sad because I love Locke, I miss him, and I’m sorry he’s dead and inhabited by creepy MIB (Man In Black.) Locke and Boone bond some more.

On the island, Evil Locke/MIB cleans the knife that killed Jacob. Jacob’s body is gone. Ben is confused by the fact that Jacob didn’t fight back. Evil Locke wants Ben to go outside and get sexy ass Richard. Who, you guessed it, is…

Richard is outside arguing with Elena and Jimmy Kimmel. Sun questions Lapidus about who Elena and crew are. He says all he knows is, they claim to be good guys, they were on the flight that was supposed to take them back to the island, and they had Locke in a box. He’s not so sure they’re good.

Ben comes out and tells Richard that Locke wants to see him. Elena asks if Jacob is alright. Ben is all, “Who are you?” Richard grips up Ben and shows him Locke’s dead body. Ben is all, WTF?

Sawyer, Jin, Miles, Jack and Kate start moving the debris to get Juliet out. Jin leaves to get the van with the chains to move the last heavy beam.

Hurley follows Jacob back to the van. Hurley has questions, but Jacob ain’t answering. He’s looking over Sayid. Jacob tells Hurley that Jin won’t be able to see him since he died an hour ago. Hurley’s having a Bruce Willis moment. Jacob tells Hurley he was killed my an old friend who grew tired of his company.

Jacob tells Hurley he has to take Sayid and the others to the temple. Jin will know the temple from the time he was time traveling w/ the French team. Going to the temple will save Sayid and keep the others safe. Jacob asks if Hurley still has the guitar case, Hurley says yes. Jin shows up and Jacob disappears.

As they drive to help Juliet, Hurley asks Jin if he knows about the hole in the wall w/ the French team. Jin says yes and Hurley seems relieved that he’s not COMPLETELY crazy.

Sawyer is worried that Juliet is no longer calling for them. He says he’ll kill Jack if she dies. Jin and Hurley show up with the van and chains and I can’t believe that van can move that beam, but whatever.

Back on the plane, the stewardess wants to know if there’s a doctor in the hizzouse. Someone has locked himself in the bathroom and won’t answer. They can’t get the door open. Sayid is all, “Perhaps I can be of assistance,” then kicks in the door cause that’s what PIMPs do.

They find Charlie. And he’s not breathing.

Sayid and the stewardess (Tina?… the one who becomes a brainwashed Other) try to help Jack save Charlie. He needs a pen to cut into Charlie’s throat to get whatever is lodged in there, but his pen is missing. (Kate five-fingered it when she bumped into him.) Jack uses his hands to dislodge the baggie of heroin. Sayid has a look on his face like, “Fucking white people.”

Back on the island, the beam is moved and Sawyer makes his way down to Juliet. She wakes up and realizes they are still on the island. She tells Sawyer she hit the bomb and they’re still there. She tells him she did that so that Sawyer could go home. He says he’s gonna get her out and take her home.

Jack tells the others that he can’t save Sayid. Hurley tells them about going to temple because Jacob said so. Jack is all, “Who’s Jacob?” And Hurley is all, “Um, you can’t fix him so shut up and listen.”

Richard wants to know what happened inside, but Ben ain’t talking. He’s all freaked out about seeing dead Locke. Jimmy Kimmel snatches Ben up and tells him they’re going in and so is he.

Inside, Evil Locke wants to know where Richard is, but Ben says Richard ain’t coming. Jimmy Kimmel demands to know what happened to Jacob. Evil Locke tells him that Jacob is dead and so they no longer have to worry about protecting him. Jimmy Kimmel shoots Evil Locke who momentarily gets a, “Oh, no you didn’t!” look on his face. Then he disappears and all they find is a bent bullet. Ben hides like a pussy.

The smoke monster shows up and starts slamming mofos around as it is want to do. Jimmy Kimmel, shaking like a junkie, has the presence of mind to make a protective ash circle around himself. Unfortunately, the smoke monster has the presence of mind to hit the ceiling, causing debris to fall on Jimmy Kimmel which in turn causes Jimmy Kimmel to fall outside of said protective ash circle. He is quickly manhandled by the smoke monster. The monster leaves and Ben shits his pants.

When he crawls out from his hiding place, Ben sees Evil Locke who tells him, “I’m sorry you had to see me like that.”

Say what?

I’ve always predicted that the island/smoke monster could take the form of dead bodies on the island (Eko’s brother, Christian, Alex, now Locke.) I thought there might be a connection between MIB and the smoke monster, but I didn’t know they were THAT connected.

This doesn’t explain (yet) Juliet calling it their security system, it sparing Locke the first season and Eko once after that. Nor does it explain (yet) Ben knowing how to summon it to kill the mercenaries that killed his daughter. They got 14 more hours to clear THAT up.

Sawyer tries to lift the crap off of Juliet. She’s crying out in pain. He cradles her and tells her that he’s gonna get her out. She starts talking crazy about going out for coffee and going dutch… I think that’s part of a convo she had with Jack… not sure. They kiss and she says she has to tell him something really, really, important.

Then she dies. Don’t you hate when that happens? (James, don’t worry. She has a job on V!)

He comes carrying her out of the wreckage shooting death eyes at Jack. “You did this.” Ruh-roh.

On the plane, Charlie is put in handcuffs. He tells Jack he should have let it happen. “I was supposed to die.” True dat. Jack goes back to his seat and wonders what happened to Desmond who has disappeared. (Time traveling again, perhaps?)

Now we get a slo-mo montage with that sad piano/string music Lost does so well. Everyone is preparing for the plane’s landing at LAX. Sayid looks at the picture of Nadia, Kate watches as he police bypass her to arrest Charlie, Boone and Locke shake hands. Locke and Jack are last to leave and Jack watches as Locke is assisted into his wheelchair.

I feel really sad because as we watch this alternate reality unfold, I can’t help but think of all they’ve been through: Jack and Kate crying after Ethan killed Charlie and Jack finally bringing him back to life, Boone dying after finding the drug plane, Sayid loving and losing Shannon, etc.

Back on the island, it’s morning and Sawyer prepares to bury Juliet. He asks Miles to stay behind and I just know he’s gonna be all, “Hey, what was Juliet about to tell me?” Kate offers to leave a trail so they can follow them to the temple, but Sawyer ain’t having it.

At the airport, Jack is paged to the courtesy desk. Oceanic has lost his Dad’s body. For reals.

On the island, Jack and crew show up at the temple. I’m so glad they’re getting down to it tonight instead of making this stretch several episodes. They quickly realize they’re gonna have to take Sayid down the hole in the wall and get to business. They find the Frenchman’s armless corpse. Remember what a douche he was? Jin explains how he lost the arm.

They continue to make their way down. Kate hears the whispers and then disappears. As they try to find her, they’re all eventually jumped and gripped up. Armed Others lead them to the temple.

At the airport, Kate tells the agent she has to go to the bathroom. He waits outside the stall as she goes, but she’s really using Jack’s pen to take off her cuffs. He gets impatient and finds the spring coil to the pen she dropped. She rushes the door and knocks him down. She grabs his gun and covers the cuffs as two women enter the bathroom. She tells them that he came in and attacked her before rushing out.

Kate gets on an elevator with Sawyer who notices the handcuffs. He covers for her when two airport security guards get on by letting Kate exit the elevator first.

On the island, Sawyer asks Miles what Juliet wanted to tell him. Miles refuses, but Sawyer is very persuasive. Miles does his mojo and tells Sawyer that Juliet wanted to tell him that, “it worked.” Sawyer is disappointed. So are we. We know it worked! Kinda. Sorta. But the real question is, how did Juliet know?

Jack and crew approach the temple and out walks every bad guy in every kung-fu movie I’ve ever seen. And he’s kinda dressed like Prince. He asks (in another language) who they are and the brainwashed stewardess reveals they were on flight 815. He orders them shot. Hurley yells out that Jacob sent them and this causes Prince to pause. He wants Hurley to prove it and Hurley tells him that Jacob gave him the guitar case. He hedges about whether or not he looked inside.

Prince opens the case and finds a huge wooden ankh… which he breaks in half to reveal a piece of paper. His translator asks their names, and one by one they tell him. This seems to be enough for Prince and they’re allowed to come in. Hurley wants to know what the paper said. The translator says that the paper said that if Sayid dies, their asses are grass.

At the airport, Sun and Jin are detained at customs. Jin has a whole lotta cash that he didn’t declare so he’s gripped up. A female officer tells Sun that if she can speak English and clear this up, she should. Sun lies and says she doesn’t speak English.

On the island, Jack and crew are brought into the temple and taken to a pool. Prince and his men are surprised to find that the water inside isn’t clear. Prince cuts his hand open and places it into the water. Then they put Sayid in the water. Dude, that’s not sanitary. I’m just sayin’.

Oh, before that though, Prince wants to know who hurt Sayid. Jack says he didn’t shoot him, but its his fault. Jack carries the weight of the world like no one else, doesn’t he? They tell Jack that there will be risks then commence with the Sayid baptism/resurrection. Prince turns over a giant hourglass as Sayid is held under water. Sayid starts thrashing about and everyone wants him brought up but Prince refuses until the sand has run out. When it has, and he’s brought up, Sayid is dead.

Well, that was a waste of time.

Jack tries CPR and Kate tells him to stop cause she’s annoying. Remember the last time he was doing CPR on someone and you told him to stop? It was Charlie and it worked so back the hell off!

It doesn’t work.

At the airport, Kate watches as an airport employee enters a code to go into a restricted area. She follows and makes her way up to the taxi stand. She tries to snatch a cab, but that annoying guy that got hit with flying arrows (he was sleeping on the plane between Boone and Locke) makes her wait in line. Of course, the agent shows up before she can get away. She hops in a cab and demands the driver to go at gunpoint. The cab already has a fare. Claire.

On the island, everyone is sitting around the murky pool when Miles and Sawyer are brought in. They were jumped in the jungle by the temple Others. Prince wants to see Hurley.

Hurley realizes that only what Prince says is translated which means Prince speaks English. Prince says he doesn’t like the way English tastes on his tongue. Good enough. Hurley tells Prince that Jacob is dead. Prince and the translator lose their shit. They start sounding alarms and pouring ash around the temple. They send up super flares. Seems this is the kind of info Hurley shoulda dropped first. The translator explains this is all to keep “him” out.

Hurley is all, “Him who?”

Evil Locke is moving around the dead bodies of Jacob’s protectors. Ben realizes that Evil Locke used him to kill Jacob because he couldn’t do it himself. Evil Locke tells Ben he didn’t make him do anything. He then tells Ben that John Locke was very confused when Ben killed him. He tells him that Locke’s last thought was, “I don’t understand.” I agree with Evil Locke. That’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard.

Evil Locke explains that John was weak, confused, and broken. Yet, he was admirable because he was the only one that didn’t want to leave the island. He realized how pitiful his life was, and wanted to stay. Ben wants to know what Evil Locke wants. He says he wants the opposite of the real Locke: he wants to go home.

In the temple, Hurley says goodbye to Sayid and tells him that if he ever wants to talk, he’s around. Miles is looking at Sayid suspicious like, but won’t say why when Hurley calls him on it.

Sawyer wakes up and asks if they’ve been caught by The Others again. Kate says yes, but that this time they’re protecting them. He shoots death eyes at Jack again, but tells Kate he’s not gonna kill Jack. He says that Jack deserves to suffer on the island with the rest of them.

At the airport, Jack is on the phone with his Mom explaining what happened to his Dad. When he gets off the phone, Locke is there. They lost one of his bags. He asks what they lost that belongs to Jack. Jack explains. Locke gets all deep on him and explains that they just lost his father’s body, not him. All Locke lost was his bag o’ knives. Jack asks about Locke’s condition and offers him his card and a free consult.

On the island, Richard, Sun, Lapidus, Ilana (just found the correct spelling her name and too lazy to go back and change it) and the gang see the super flares. Evil Locke and Ben exit the statue. Evil Locke says to Richard that it’s good to see him out of those chains.

“You?” Richard asks.

“Me.” Evil Locke says. Then he hits Richard in the throat and knocks him out. This causes Donny to laugh his ass off. I laugh too cause it’s always funny to see someone hit in the throat. It just is.

Evil Locke says he’s very disappointed in all of them. Then he picks up Richard and walks off passing Locke’s dead body on the beach.

I love this show!!

At the temple, the translator says they need to speak to Jack privately. Jack ain’t budging. They threaten to drag him out and Jack is all, “Let’s do this, Brutus.” As they scuffle around Hurley and the translator nearly lose their shit because….

Sayid is alive! And awake!

“What happened?” he asks.

***

Here were my questions at the end of last season. Let’s see what, if anything, has been cleared up.

1. Bad man in black has been the one in the cabin and directing Locke and the others when he appeared as Christian, Eko’s brother, Locke and Alex.

Maybe not. I mean, he could have been the one in there posing as Christian but what the hell did he want with Claire? The ash was disturbed so he obviously got out. But how?

2. Are they Gods?

Still don’t know. Representations of good and evil maybe?

3. Bad man in black accussed Jacob of bringing the people on the ship to the island. Did he also bring flight 815 and Desmond and everyone else that ended up there?

I still contend that everyone that found their way to the island was either brought there or ended up there (fate) for a reason.

4. Are the smoke monster and the bad man in black connected? I think so.

Yeah! I was right.

5. Why would the original, indigenous, Others become Dharma to begin with? And again, who has been funding them once Ben killed all the original DI people? Well, all except Ethan.

This has yet to be answered, but they have three months to do it.

6. How does this explosion change what we already know? What has it erased? Has it negated what just happened in the tomb under the statue?

Apparently, the explosion changed nothing on the island except jolting Jack, Jin, Kate, Hurley, Sayid, Sawyer, Juliet, and Miles into present day. It seems to have also created an alternate reality where the plan landed in Los Angeles, but as we see, it seems that the main characters were fated to be connected in some way… even before they left the plane!

7. What the hell did Richard say in Latin?

Still don’t know, but I’m sure it’s on the internet. Someone may have responded to this in the comments of the season finale blog. I’ll look later.

8. Will we ever see Rose and Bernard again? Or Claire?

Yes and yes!

I think we’re about to enter in to some good vs. evil/Gods-type storylines. And I love it!

I really wouldn’t mind seeing these two realities play out for the final season. This means that, hopefully, my Locke gets to live and walk. He deserves a better ending than the one the first reality gave him!

So, what did you think of the season premiere? Loved it? Hated it? Share your theories and predictions below.

Elephant Words

I was recently asked if I’d like to be a contributor to a website, Elephant Words. Each Sunday a writer will post a photo on the site. Then, every day one of the contributing writers posts a piece based on the photo.

I live for this kind of stuff. I’m always looking to be inspired and will jump at any opportunity to write on a regular basis.

I’d really appreciate it if you’d take a moment to check out the site.

You can view the writing schedule here. There’s also a link to this week’s photo – to the right of the schedule under Current Image. Just click the date (January 31st.)

It would be great if you guys could pop over and support my fiction there. I’ll still be posting here, of course. And not just me! Check out the other writers as well. Some of you who are my friends on Facebook may recognize two of them: George London and Simon Smithson.

I’ve decided not to read the other entries each week until after I’ve posted mine. I’d love to see some of you there interacting.

Thanks,

N.

Mommy Monday: I Never Thought I’d…

There are times when Kali and Jack will be cuddled up, giggling over something he just did – or sometimes nothing at all – and she’ll look up and say, “I never thought I’d have a baby brother.” She’ll further explain that she kind of resigned herself to always being an only child.

As we pack up the house for our move, she’ll sometimes say, “I never thought we’d be moving. I just kinda thought I’d always live here.”

She really does think about these things. At ten, she has definite ideas on how her life is, how it should be, and how it will be. In that sense, she’s a lot more connected to herself than I was at that age. I didn’t give the future much thought at ten. In fact, I kind of expected things to change at any moment, so when they did it was normal. When I was Kali’s age, I’d already lived in at least three or four different places.

I was too busy reading to give much thought to how many siblings I’d eventually have. My parents just kept popping them out and somewhere between To Kill a Mockingbird and Of Mice and Men, I’d look up to find a new baby sister.

Then again, I was convinced I’d never live past 18. Not sure why. I couldn’t envision myself in my 20’s or 30’s. I shared this prediction with my best friend once. She thought I was crazy. Not just cause it was a very morbid thing to think, but because I’d also recently confessed to being able to control traffic lights and NYC subway trains with my mind.

So, I am fascinated when Kali and I have these conversations in which she shares what she imagines for herself and our family. She seems to take change with ease. Excitement even. It’s like by having another baby and moving to a new house we’ve opened up a whole new world of possibilities for her.

Never thought you’d have a baby brother, but now here one is? Why not another? Why not a baby sister? Of course, this also teaches a valuable lesson in disappointment when I explain to her that Mommy will, most likely, not be having anymore babies.

Once, after she’d admitted that she still couldn’t believe she had a baby brother, I asked, “Is that a good thing?”

“Yeah. I never thought I’d have one, but I’m happy I do. Life is so funny.”

What a funny thing for a ten-year-old to say, right? She already has this sense of wonderment about life and an appreciation for it. I hope that never goes away.

Do you talk to your kids about their expectations? Their wants? Their dreams? What are they? Do you feel a responsibility to keep things as they are for your kids or have you found that your kids adapt well to change?

24 – Day 8, 8pm-9pm

Previously on 24: Agent Ortiz saves president Hassan’s life. It’s revealed that Hassan’s brother was in on the attack. The assassin’s body is emitting hazardous gas. Bazhaev confirms he has possession of the rods. Renee Walker goes back undercover with the Russians to foil their plans. In the process, she cuts a man’s hand off.

The following takes places between 8pm and 9pm…

In Kamistan, a general gets a call from Hassan’s bro. The general is annoyed that the plan hasn’t gone as planned. Hassan’s bro assures him that he almost has his hands on the uranium.

Bazhaev’s son is dying. He refuses to let his son go to a doctor because it could lead the authorities right to him. His other son convinces Bazhaev to at least let the dying son die at the country house instead in a room behind the kitchen. I mean, damn.

Hassan’s bro assures Bazhaev that the money will be transferred soon. Bazhaev sets him up with some hookers to keep him busy in the meantime.

Jack and Renee tend to Stumpy’s wounds and Jack wants to call Hastings to dime Renee out. She convinces him not to. Jack leaves and Stumpy wakes up. He’s all salty about his fucked up situation, but gets over it when Renee talks about how much money he’ll get.

Redneck Kevin calls Starbuck Dana at work and continues to be a pain in the ass. He threatens to tell Ortiz about Dana’s past if she doesn’t come home.

In the car, Stumpy is chugging vodka and talking about Vladimir and Renee, she quickly shuts him up because he’s obviously about to say some shit she doesn’t want Jack to hear.

Chloe calls Jack to tell him his cover story has been uplinked. He asks her to look into everything between Renee and Vladimir.

Joseph, Bazhaev’s non-dying son, decides to take his brother to a doctor instead of the country house to die.

Hassan admits to his wife that he thought he loved Reed. She wants him to say it. He says they are both to blame for their unhappy marriage. He begs her not to leave. She says she’s outtie.

Stumpy goes inside to soften up Vladimir first. Vladimir is Leoben from BSG! I love him!! He wants to kill Stumpy, but he pauses when he hears Renee is in the car. Vladimir’s man, Hugo, says he believes Stumpy, but he never trusted Renee. Vladimir doesn’t think Renee is the one that ratted them out. He is obviously whipped.

Ortiz is looking for Starbuck Dana, and Arlo tells him that she went home. He looks confused. Well, more confused than usual.

Starbuck Dana goes home and finds Redneck Kevin has some loser in her house. She offers him money to leave and he slaps her around. She swears she didn’t testify against him. He wants her to use her CTU access to get him at least six figures.

Doesn’t CTU give everyone guns? Why doesn’t she just kill his ass?

Chloe tells Jack that it looks Vladimir beat Renee’s ass a few times. He asks if he raped her, and Chloe says there’s nothing in the file about that. Jack knows that Renee tried to kill herself at least once, and that more is going on.

Vladimir’s men pat Renee down. Chloe and Jack feed her answers to gain his trust, but he still puts them in a trunk.

Joseph threatens a doctor with killing his family if he doesn’t help his brother.

Vladimir  pulls over and Jack realizes they’ve been following a decoy vehicle.

Jack tells Renee they are ten minutes out and to stall.

Vladimir shoots Stumpy, but Renee refuses to beg. He wants to know who she is. She says she has nowhere to go and no one to go to. She demands that he kills her, and of course he doesn’t. They dump Stumpy in the river. Jack calls off the backup Hastings had waiting to intercept.

They bought Renee’s cover.

Tick… tock… tick… tock…

24 – Day 8, 4pm-8pm

The following takes place between 4pm and 5pm:

With no reminiscing down memory lane, 24 starts with a bang. Literally. A guy being targeted by a sniper enters a building and finds his friend dead in the bathtub. He makes a phone and learns that another friend has also been shot. He pulls a gun and hauls ass out the building.

The sniper is just about to take a shot at him, when his accomplice realizes it’s not their target. Seems homeboy got a homeless guy to leave the building wearing his jacket. That’s a pretty fucked up thing to do to a homeless guy, but whatever. This is 24.

The guy gets away, but not before being shot in the shoulder.

Jack Bauer is watching cartoons with his granddaughter who keeps bugging him to change the channel. She’s just as annoying as her mother. Speaking of which, Kim calls to tell Jack she’ll be running a few minutes late due to traffic. Later, she speaks with her husband/boyfriend/baby daddy? about Jack not yet saying whether or not hell be moving to Los Angeles with them. He offers to talk to Jack.

President Taylor is in negotiations with president Hassan of Kamistan – they’re offering to dismantle their nuclear systems. They’re at stalemate when his country refuses to have the Americans being the one doing the inspection. Privately, Taylor pushes to give him what he wants.

Jack tells Kim that he wants to move back to Los Angeles with them. He’s gonna pack and meet them at their hotel. There’s all this sappy music playing as he buckles his granddaughter in the car and you just knooow shit is aimed right at the fan.

Right now, the shit is in the form of the guy shot in the shoulder. He watches Jack go back inside his building before packing a gun and following.

A blonde woman gets all pissy when her press credentials are revoked for being invalid. Looks like she won’t be getting into this presidential press conference.

Hassan is informed that the U.S. has agreed to his terms with one condition: they want the head of the inspection team to be an American. Hassan is happy with this, but his brother is not. He thinks they’ve already done too much to appease the U.S. Hassan gets a call from the reporter and she explains that her press credentials have been revoked. Hassan’s bro admits that he had Ms. Reed’s credentials revoked because people are starting to talk. It is sooo obvious Hassan is hittin’ that but he insists he’s not.

Shot in shoulder guy is at Jack’s door. Jack doesn’t look happy to see him. He says he needs Jack’s help. Jack is all, “Victor, I’ll call your ass an ambulance, but that’s about it.” Victor tells Jack there’s gonna be a hit on Hassan before the peace treaty is signed. He wants Jack to call CTU and cut a deal for him (he got the hitman into the country.) Jack takes Victor’s gun and demands to know who the hitter is, but Victor won’t talk without a deal.

The New York CTU offices are all high-tech and fancy. Fancier than normal. Chloe is there, but she’s all outta sorts. She doesn’t like the way Dana (Starbuck from BSG) is treating her like a newbie. Also, Starbuck Dana seems to be engaged to Ortiz (Freddie Prinze, Jr.)

Jack calls Chloe and tells her he needs to speak to the director Hastings. (Bubba from Forest Gump.) She puts him through and he tells Hastings about Victor’s story.  Hastings says hell send a chopper to pick them up at a spot 5 blocks away. Hastings sends Ortiz with a team to pick them up.

The Russian hitman and his guys are listening to police radio and hear a call go over about Victor’s shot up car. They know where he is now.

Taylor is pleased to hear that Hassan has accepted their counteroffer. She gets verklempt when she thinks about the fact that her husband isn’t there to share the moment – peace with the Islamic Republic is something they both always wanted. Turns out they’re divorced now because she sent their daughter to jail.

When Taylor gets word of the possible assassination attempt, her dilemma is now whether to tell Hassan before or after the agreement is signed. Rob, the chief of staff, thinks they should tell him, Ethan doesn’t.

Jack calls Kim and tells her that he’ll meet her at the airport instead. He doesn’t tell her that anything is wrong. He and Victor are two blocks from the precinct where the chopper is meeting them. Jack decides to cut through an alley. NEVER a good idea.

Chloe finally pulls Victor’s file, but Hastings is annoyed it took her so long. Chloe complains that she’s had to learn all the new interfaces, but Hastings isn’t really tryna hear it. She needs to catch up, or be gone.

Ortiz leaves to get Jack and worries that Starbuck Dana might be getting cold feet.

Jack drags Victor’s bloody ass through the alley, but Victor can barely walk. Jack rips into a nasty ass mattress to re-compress Victor’s wound. A suspicious parking attendant calls 911 on a very obvious Spring product placement. Jesus. The camera stayed on the camera for like, 30 seconds even though it took 3 to dial 9-1-1.

Hassan and his wife head down to the conference and things are extremely icy between them. Hassan’s aide meets Reed at the security checkpoint and warns her to stay away from Hassan.

Rob isn’t happy to hear that Taylor isn’t going to tell Hassan about the threat to his life.

In the alley, Jack and Victor are stopped by the cops but before they can verify his story, the bad guys show up. After a brief shootout, Jack and Victor head for roof and he calls CTU. They arrange an alternate rooftop pickup. Jack tells Victor he needs to tell him everything he knows about the hitter in case he doesn’t make it. Victor won’t hear of it.

Jack takes out one of the bad guys with a fire axe. The other goes toppling down the staircase hitting every landing on the way down.

They make it to the rooftop and one agent starts to take Victor to the copper while Ortiz tells Jack he needs to come in for a debriefing. Jack is like, “Negative. I got shit to do.” From another rooftop, someone launches a rocket and blows up the chopper.

At CTU, everyone is all freaked out that they’re dead. Jack gets to Victor and tells him he needs to tell what he knows before he dies. Victor manages to croak out that there’s a person on the inside, close to Hassan, in on the plan. Of course there is. This is 24. There’s ALWAYS someone on the inside. Then Victor dies like a punk ass bitch – but not as punk ass bitchy as the time he was forced to blow a gang banger on The Shield.

Reed tells a mystery person that Hassan’s brother took away her clearance, but she used her feminine wiles to get Hassan to reinstate it. She assures the person on the phone that “it” will get done. It = Hassan.

Tick… tock… tick… tock…

The following takes place between 5pm and 6pm…

Ortiz is all pissy with Hastings because he almost got a rocket up the ass. I find it hard to take him seriously as I keep picturing him with a blond wig and ascot.

Hastings orders Jack back to CTU for a debriefing. Jack, surprisingly, listens, but he ain’t happy.

Starbuck Dana tells Hastings she may have a lead on the insider and Hastings tells her to look into it with Chloe’s help. Hastings tells Chief of Staff Rob Wiess that they may want to postpone the treaty signing until the threat is handled, but he won’t hear of it.

Reed and Hassan talk and make arrangements to meet in his private office. Bow-chicka-bow-bow.

CTU figures out that Reed was the one who illegally accessed the U.N’s system and alert the Secret Service that she’s a threat. They grip her ass up when she’s just ten yards from Hassan.

Chloe tells everyone that it seems a little easy that Reed was found. Starbuck Dana pretty much tells Chloe to S.T.F.U. Hastings puts Chloe in charge of Jack’s debriefing.

Jack calls Kim from CTU and tells her he’ll meet her at the airport, but once she finds out where he is, she insists on picking him up on the way to the airport. In other words, she wants to make sure his ass gets on that plane.

Ortiz is all pissed off cause he feels like if they had more backup, the attack wouldn’t have happened. Hastings warns him not to put his concerns on record.

Chloe expresses her concerns that Reed is a red herring, but Jack doesn’t want to get involved.

Hassan’s daughter is relieved that he’s okay. His wife is suspicious that Reed had such access to him. His brother walks in and I just realize he has hair like that prince from Shrek. It annoys me.

He pulls Hassan aside and tells him that Reed will be questioned and he needs to know everything she will say about their relationship. Hassan confesses to the affair, but his bro warns him that if questioned by the Americans, he need to deny it. Hassan neither agrees or disagrees.

Hassan’s brother calls the shooter and tells him that he needs to get Hassan to refute the reporter’s story so that CTU will think she’s the contact on the inside and divert attention from the true rat – Hassan’s brother!

Arlo flirts with Starbuck Dana and she shoots him down. Then she gets a call from someone that calls her Jenny Scott. He threatens her and she threatens to call the cops. She’s all, “My name isn’t Jenny! It’s Starbuck Dana!”

Reed demands to know why she’s been detained. Hastings tells her they found evidence that she’s apart of a plot to kill Hassan. He ain’t hearing it.

Jack presents Hastings with photos of the shooter entering Reed’s apartment around the time Reed supposedly hacked into the U.N.’s computers. Hastings STILL ain’t hearing it.

Jack tells Chloe she’s on her own. The last time he got tangled up in some national security shit, he got cooties! Jack meets Kim and her family in the parking garage. Kim tells him that she spoke to Chloe and Chloe broke all kinds of national security rules to tell her what’s going on. Chloe tryna get fired. Kim convinces Jack to stay. It’s the least she can do after being extremely annoying and fucking up the works in prior seasons.

Jack heads into CTU and he’s all business.

As Reed is being interrogated, the negotiations begin. Taylor tells Hassan that any info revealed by Reed will be shared with him.

Chloe can’t find out where the shooter went after leaving Reed’s apartment via the traffic cams, but hacks into Arlo’s system to get footage. They get the cab number and call to find out where it took him.

Starbuck Dana calls some redneck chick and asks her if she ratted her out to the bastard that’s been calling her. Redneck Ruth swears it wasn’t her. Starbuck Dana continues to have a completely secretive conversation in the hallway at work. Arlo snitches that someone hacked into his station to scan the drone archives. Starbuck Dana tells him to track it down and find out who did it.

The shooter shows up at a couple’s house and it turns out he is a cop that’s a part of the U.N. security detail.

Starbuck Dana tells Hastings what Jack and Chloe are up to. Hastings busts Jack trying to steal weapons from the armory. Jack tells Hastings that the president will be very interested to know that Hastings is a fuck up that got his informant and one of his own men killed. Hastings lets Jack do what he does best if only he’ll keep his mouth shut. Hastings still thinks the only lead is Reed.

The shooter, Mikey, wants to trade shifts with Jim but Jim says he can’t. Jim and Maggie have a meeting at their son’s school. Mikey suddenly gets a whole new accent and pulls a gun. He orders Jim to cover his wife’s mouth with tape and then shoots her in the leg to show he means business. He orders Jim to call the boss an tell him that Mikey will be taking his shift. Jim gets on the good foot and does as he’s told.

The following takes place between 6pm and 7pm…

Hastings tells chief of staff Weiss that they’re still trying to get info from Reed. Weiss isn’t happy that they are moving so slowly and wants the file found on Reed’s computer decrypted quickly.

Ortiz tells Starbuck Dana what Chloe and Jack suspect, Starbuck Dana thinks that Reed is still their best bet.

Mikey tells Jim he doesn’t want to hurt them, he is just doing his job. Mikey talks to the boss and tells him that Mikey will be taking his shift. Jim then asks Mikey to leave them alone, but I don’t think that’s gonna happen.

Jack is at the block where the cab dropped Mikey off and a young guy playing basketball tells Jack which house Mikey went into. Jack sees Jim shot in the forehead from the window and busts in the back door. Of course the cops show up and think that Jack killed the people inside. Jack tried to explain to one officer what was going on, but his trigger-happy partner tazers Jack in the back.

That’s a bitch-ass move.

The creepy blackmailing stalker dude from Starbuck’s Dana’s past shows up at CTU. She goes to meet him. He makes her beg to keep her secret then tells her he needs a place to stay. She gives him the keys to her place when I really think she should have just shot his ass.

Reed tells Hastings about her affair with Hassan but he doesn’t believe it. He calls for confirmation, but he has to wait for a callback from Weiss. Chloe tries to get Hastings to send back up for Jack, but he’s still being an asshole. Meanwhile, Jack is getting his ass kicked in the basement of the dead cop’s house. The one cop with sense doesn’t want any parts of it and heads upstairs.

When the president tells Hassan that Hastings wants to speak with him, Hassan’s bro warns him to deny the relationship. Hassan gets on the phone with Hastings and confirms the affair. Hassan’s brother almost flips his wig. Literally. Hastings refuses to send back up for Jack AND he still thinks Reed is on the plot to assassinate Hassan. At this point, I want to kick Hastings in his ass.

Hassan’s bro calls Mikey and tells him what Hassan did. Mikey says the plan is still on that Hassan will be dead within the hour.

Jack gets the drop on the cop that’s been beating his ass, but the partner shows up and pulls his gun on both of them. He calls in the double murder, and Jack convinces him to look up the duty assignment for the dead cop.

Arlo continues to hit on Starbuck Dana, but before she can cuss him out, there’s a break in the file they’ve been decrypting. It’s schematic for the U.N. with a bomb present. Hastings calls it in. Chloe tells Hastings it could be a trap, but he’s still being ignorant.

An evacuation is ordered which, of course, is exactly what Mikey wanted. He arms the bomb from his cell phone outside.

Hassan’s bro calls Mikey and tells him which car his brother is in. At this point, Donny points out that Hassan’s bro looks like a damn douchebag.

The good cop confirms Jack’s story and drives him to the U.N. Jack calls Chloe and tells her what’s going on. I’m real shitty Jack doesn’t get a chance to beat dat ass of the cop that was beating on him, but I suppose Jack got bigger fish to fry.

Jack is patched through to Cole Ortiz who uses his car to push Hassan’s car out of danger and off course. Aw, sookie sookie now. They done made Freddie Prinze Jr. a P.I.M.P.

The following takes place between 7pm and 8pm…

Hastings gets his ass chewed out by Weiss when they realize they fell for a trap to get Hassan out of the building. Both Ortiz and Hassan are fine. As Ortiz starts to move Hassan to another vehicle, Mikey considers taking a shot at him but there are too many cops around. Hassan gets away safely.

As Cole calls in his situation to Starbuck Dana, he spots Mikey and takes chase.

Hassan’s bro calls Mikey who tells him what happens. He tells Hassan’s bro to get the hell outta dodge because they will soon know he’s in on it. Then this fool gets out of the car, stabs a cop in the neck with a pen, and hauls ass!

Mikey gets the drop on Ortiz and tells him he’s gonna walk him outta there. He orders Ortiz to call in that their position is clear so they can get away. Ortiz, instead, gives up their position and prepares to die. Jack shows up and kills Mikey instead.

Freddie Prinze Jr. then shits his pants.

Hassan arrives at CTU and Hastings tells him about his brother’s involvement. Chloe tells Hastings that Mikey was killed by Jack and that Jack uplinked some video of the tattoos on the killers. They are all members of a Russian gang. They’re flying in an agent that got close to the gang during an investigation: Renee Walker.

Hassan’s bro is on the run. He calls the Russian man in charge and hails a cab to go meet him.

President Taylor expresses her gratitude that Hassan is still alive. Rob Weiss is all business. He wants to know if the peace negotiations are still in place. Hassan is not about to let his brother get away with ruining what they started. Taylor says she’ll arrange for CTU to have Hassan returned to the U.N. as soon as possible.

Ortiz and Jack arrive at CTU and Chloe tells Jack that Renee is on her way due to her experience working undercover for the Russian mob. According to Chloe, Renee went all white girl crazy at some point.

Hassan thanks Ortiz for saving his life, but Ortiz tells him that it wasn’t just him – Jack and Chloe deserve props. Alarms sound in CTU. Seems Mikey’s dead body is giving off all kinds of nuclear cootie vibes. Hassan wants to speak to Hastings a.s.a.p.

Renee arrives at CTU and Chloe greets her at the helipad. Chloe manages to not stick her foot in her mouth and ask too many awkward questions or mention Jack.

Hassan tells Hastings that some nuclear program they were working on could be behind the uranium cooties coming off of Mikey. He warns that they need to stop the Russians before they get their hands on it.

Renee deciphers Mikey’s tattoos. She explains that the gang is badass. Hastings tells Renee that she needs to go back undercover with the Russian mob. Renee says she’ll do it, but not cause she wants her FBI badge back, just cause she’s hardcore like that. Word.

Jack says goodbye to Chloe. She fills him in on Renee going back undercover. Jack goes to talk to Renee. She is very happy to see him. But she doesn’t want to hear his warnings against going back undercover. She likes the new, darker, side of herself and Jack should really mind his fucking business. Well, she doesn’t say that exactly, but you get the point between all the raw sexual tension.

Hassan meets with Reed and though he admits he really cares for her, he can’t jeopardize all the good he can do for his country by being with her. A secret service guy is being all nosy so their visit is cut short.

Renee devises a plan to get back into the Russian’s good graces. Jack walks in and needs to speak to Hastings alone. Renee refuses to leave. Jack tells Hastings that Renee isn’t ready for this. Renee tells Jack to mind his own beeswax. Jack says he’ll go in with her.

Hassan’s brother arrives at the Russians’ evil headquarters. He wants proof that they have the uranium rods. The Russian boss shows him his younger son who is locked in a room at the back of the restaurant. He’s all cootied up from the exposure. This seems to be proof enough for Hassan’s bro.

Redneck boy calls Starbuck Dana at work. He wants to know about Ortiz. He wants her to come home and she won’t. He goes all white boy redneck crazy on her.

Renee arrives at her Russian contact’s store. She claims she got out of jail early and wants to get in touch with Vladimir (are there no other Russian names?) – she has a buyer for him. He says he can’t help her. If he calls for Vladimir, they’ll kill him. He has a monitor bracelet on his wrist from being on parole. Renee gets all flirty with him. She claims she can get his bracelet off.

She clamps his hand in a vice and then CUTS HIS FUCKING HAND OFF!!!

Jack comes rushing in. He says this is over. Renee says she’s just getting started.

Tick…tock…tick…tock….

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