One Closes, Four Open

July 30, 2010 by nina
Filed under Blog It Out, Bitch

I am less one friend today.

I take full responsibility for my part even though there are still moments when I find myself wondering how it could have happened. I mean, I’m 35. Shouldn’t we stop losing friends at some point? How junior high to say the words, “I’m not her friend anymore.”

All kinds of relationships are at the mercy of personality drifts. Sometimes you find yourselves going in different directions. Sometimes you find yourselves going in the same direction, but with different ideas on how to end up where you both want to be.

I started to feel like I couldn’t trust things told to me and their life choices were incomprehensible. I began to feel like there was a weird competition going on for the attention and friendship of others. The list goes on. But I didn’t confront it. Later, I told a mutual friend that it’s “the stink breath syndrome.” If you have a friend that you don’t want to be around because their breath stinks, you probably won’t speak up. You’re not trying to hurt the person’s feelings. You just want your space. That is how I felt.

I told my Dad I felt awful about judging. How is it being a friend when you pull away because of someone’s life choices? Shouldn’t a real friend just accept people for who they are? My Dad said, “Friends are the perfect people to judge. There’s nothing wrong with saying, ‘I like you, but you lie. I like you, but you steal. I like you, but your hair is fucked up.’ When you say you’re not gonna judge, what you’re really saying is that you’re willing to lie to yourself about who this person really is.”

I’m not perfect, and I don’t expect perfection. But I need to feel like I’m having an honest friendship. I can’t worry about whether or not what my friends are telling me is the truth. If someone admits to stretching the truth and beating the system in other areas of their life, it’s only natural to question what they tell you.

As Maya Angelou says, “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.”

I didn’t listen to the opinions or warnings of others. I didn’t take into account that this person had just ended a friendship with a handful of other people. I told myself that that their experience doesn’t have to be mine.

Later, after a falling out with a mutual friend, she deleted me from Facebook. Something I should have done awhile ago, but we were involved in a project together and I didn’t want to make it “weird” for the others involved. As the smoke clears and war stories are compared, I realize that my instincts were right. Lies were told, even about how things ended, but that’s okay.

I said to my mother, “Hell, maybe I have all the friends I’m meant to have.”

And I have great ones: Sophie, Amy, Mike, Bette, Richard, Tara, David, Tobias and those are just the tangible ones that I can see, touch, call, etc. I’ve met some great “virtual” ones, too.

I will not cut myself off though. To do so would be to deny myself the possibility of new friendships and endeavors.

Because of the generosity of my friend Alegra, I am participating in a beautiful anthology that celebrates motherhood and the written word. Milk and Ink: A Mosaic of Motherhood features many of my writer friends (who also happen to be Moms) as well as some lovely writers/poets I’m just getting to know. All proceeds from the book sales will go to support Mama Hope, a charitable organization doing great work for the women and children of Africa.

Recently, I became more involved in getting this book off the ground (it will be available in November of this year), and in doing so strengthened two budding friendships – Jordan and Tomi (pronounced TOMMY) – and solidified another (Alegra). These three ladies have done an excellent job of editing the wonderful pieces submitted to the anthology and are working tirelessly in getting it ready for print.

I’ve been working with my friend and boss, Kevin Palmer, in rebuilding and revamping the website so that it better serves the needs of Milk and Ink. First, it needs to be a place where we can promote the book, but also promote and support a community of writers. Not just mothers who write, but all writers. Finally, once the book is released, we will be transitioning the spirit of Milk and Ink into an online literary magazine.

I was thrilled and honored to be asked to serve as a co-editor with Alegra, Jordan, and Tomi. We have so many exciting things planned. We’ve spent many days juggling our husbands, jobs, homes, and kids only to dive into a massive email/IM creative session in the evenings – tired, but fueled by an excitement for, and faith in, this project.

It’s sad when things come to an end, but I am overjoyed by this new beginning.

It would really mean a lot to me if you could give Milk and Ink a follow on Twitter.

Also, tell your friends. Once the site is up and running, I’ll be promoting it more and asking for further support.

Tags: Anthologies, friendship, Milk and Ink, online literary magazines

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Dianna

LOL @ “the stink breath syndrome”

If a friendship becomes unhealthy for me, I flee. The cool thing about being an adult is that you get to choose who you spend your time with. And the more you mature, your friendships are about quality not quantity. I'd rather have a few amazing people that I know I can trust, than have a ton of people that stab me in the back and talk smack.

One Closes, Four Open

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