I Need You!

I have been agonizing over how to shake up my site. Make some changes. Talk about new things. Talk about old things in new ways. Part of my absence has been due to the fact that real life, at some point, has to take precedence. Sad, but true.

But now that I’m all settled in the new house and found a really nice new rhythm to my life, I’m ready to get back on the blogging horse and ride that bastard!

I need your help. I’ve been tossing around ideas with my bestie (BFF or best friend for those of you not prone to talking like a 12 year-old girl) and not hitting on anything that made me feel like, “Yeah, I’ll write a blog tonight!’ Then I realized I should be asking you. Yes, you.

What do you want to see/read more of? What are some blog ideas you’d like me to tackle. Any ideas for weekly features? I’ll take your suggestions and completely disregard any that suck. But that shouldn’t stop you from participating!

OK. I have to run. I have company coming over for lunch today and I need to find a shirt that will lessen the humiliation factor when Jack pulls one of my tits out at the dining table.

P.S. I have lots of pics of the new house and kids coming up. So, hit me up with those ideas and look forward to new blogs next week. In the meantime, go to the main page and check out my awesome new banner!

Lost Recaps Season 6, Episodes 3 – 5

Previously on Lost…

Episode 1, “LAX Part 1 and 2”

Episode 2, “What Kate Does”

Episode 3 “The Substitute” -

In Los Angeles, Locke gets fired from his job for lying about why he went to Australia. He ends up getting a job as a substitute teacher in a school where Ben Linus works.

On the island, Evil Locke tries to get Richard to join him and Richard refuses. Ben lies to Ilana and tells her that the smoke monster also killed Jacob. Ilana gathers some of Jacob’s ashes. Evil Locke approaches Sawyer who is still grieving for Juliet. He convinces Sawyer to join him because 1. he has the answers and 2. he can get Sawyer off the island. Sawyer follows E.L. to a cave on the side of a cliff and E.L shows him a wall of names and numbers.

Things of Note:

• In the alternate reality, Locke apparently has a relationship with his father as his fiance suggests inviting him if they elope.
• Evil Locke is spooked by visions of a young boy with bloody hands.
• Richard knew nothing about the candidates, of which John Locke was one.
• In Los Angeles, Hurley is a lucky-ass, rich, successful business man. He gives Locke a job because he owns a temporary agency. I LOVE alternate reality Hurley!
• Ilana, Lapidus, Sun and Ben bury Locke’s body and Ben admits that he killed Locke. “John Locke was a believer. A man of faith. A much better man than I will ever be and I’m sorry I murdered him.”

• Sawyer can see the mysterious kid who warned Evil Locke to remember “the rules” and that he can’t kill Sawyer (another candidate.)
• Rose works at Hurley’s agency and gives Locke a job. She still has terminal cancer.
• When Sawyer almost falls off the cliff, Evil Locke goes out of his way to make sure he doesn’t die. Either because he really needs Sawyer or because he truly doesn’t want to break the rules… or both.
• So far, the only explanation we’ve gotten for the numbers is, “Jacob had a thing for numbers.”
• When Evil Locke shows Sawyer the names that aren’t crossed off, Kate isn’t mentioned. He says, “Last, but not least…” before getting to Sawyer’s name. Kwon is listed, but Evil Locke doesn’t know if it’s Sun or Jin who is the candidate.
• Evil Locke takes a white rock from a scale and tosses it into the ocean. He calls it an inside joke. We later see Richard deliver the rock to The Man in Black for Jacob in Ab Aeterno.

Episode 4 “The Lighthouse” -

In Los Angeles, Jack has a son that he doesn’t really connect with. They come together in the end when Jack realizes that his son is an accomplished musician.

On the island, Jacob approaches Hurley and asks for his help. Someone is coming to the island (Widmore?) and Jacob wants Hurley to help them get there. Crazy Claire rescues Jin. She thinks the people at the temple have her baby and she’s gonna go all Rambo on their asses. Jin tells Claire that Kate took her baby and has been raising him off of the island. Claire kills one of the Others from the temple, and realizing that Claire is crazy as pelican shit, Jin recants his story. He tells Claire that the baby is at the temple and they should go there together.

Hurley convinces Jack to go with him on Jacob’s mission. They find a lighthouse with mirrors and a dial that has all of their names with numbers on it. When Jack instructs Hurley to turn the dial to the point that corresponds with his name, he sees his childhood home. He realizes that Jacob has been watching him his whole life. Jack gets pissed and breaks the mirror.

Jacob appears to Hurley who realizes that it was Jacob’s plan all along to get Jack there so that Jack would realize he has a purpose. He also tells Hurley that something bad is about to happen at the temple.

Jin is surprised when John shows up at Claire’s camp, only Claire calls him “her friend.”

Things of Note:

• Alternate reality Jack doesn’t remember having his appendix taken out as a child.
• When confronted by Dogen, Hurley gets him to back off by telling him he’s a candidate – info given to him by Jacob.
• Jack’s mother is surprised to see Claire Littleton mentioned in his father’s will.
• Jack and Hurley find the caves where they used to live, Shannon’s inhaler, and the two skeletons with the stones. Jack admits to smashing the coffin because his father’s body wasn’t in it.
• Russeau is one of the crossed out names on the lighthouse dial.

Episode 5 “Sundown” -

In Los Angeles, Sayid’s love, Nadia, is married to his brother. Uncle Sayid shows up and there’s tension. The brother realizes Sayid is in love with his wife and uses that to try and get Sayid to help him with some guys he owes money to. Sayid doesn’t want to intervene, but is forced to once the bad guys rough up his brother looking for payment. Sayid kills the bad guys and discovers that they had Jin locked up.

On the island, Dogen tells Sayid that the machine they used on Sayid shows the balance between good and evil in people. Sayid tipped it the wrong way. They had a knock-down drag-out badass fight. Dogen stops short of killing Sayid when he sees a baseball hit the floor. He instructs Sayid to leave and never come back.

Evil Locke sends Claire into the temple to deliver a message. E.L. wants to talk. Dogen ain’t no dummy and knows that if he steps foot outside the temple, E.L. will kill him. He sends Sayid instead. He gives Sayid a knife and tells him that the man (evil incarnate) will appear to Sayid as someone he knows that’s dead. Sayid is to plunge a knife into his chest. If he allows him to speak, it is already too late. (Same directions given to Richard for Jacob in a later episode.)

Kate returns to the temple and Miles tells her Claire has returned acting crazy, but still hot.

Evil Locke tells Sayid that he wants him to deliver a message and that if he does, he can have anything he ever wanted. When Sayid says that the only thing he ever wanted died in his arms and he’d never see it again, Evil Locke asks him, “What if you could?”

Sayid tells everyone at the temple that Jacob is dead and the man outside is giving everyone till sundown to join him or die. A lot of people leave, including the flight attendant, Cindy and the kids.

Kate talks to Claire and realizes she is coo-coo. Sayid kills Dogen and the interpreter, fully aware that he has just allowed the smoke monster access to the temple.

The smoke monster comes in and kills a bunch of people. Miles and Kate get separated when she decides to get Claire. Ilana, Lapidus, and Ben show up looking for the candidates. Ben offers to fetch Sayid, but changes his mind when he realizes Sayid done gone Iraqi Boy Crazy. Jin is surprised to learn that Jin was there, but took off the day before.

In one of my favorite Lost moments EVER, Sayid, Kate, and Claire walk out (in slow mo) to meet Evil Locke and his followers. E.L. doesn’t look too happy to see Kate.

Things Of Note:

• Evil Locke already suspected that Dogen had someone try to kill Sayid. He would have to know that Sayid is infected then. And for that, that means that he either had something to do with it or could tell from the moment he saw Sayid. THEN, for him to know that Dogen tried to have someone (Jack) kill Sayid, that makes me wonder if neither side can kill a candidate.
• The main bad guy in Los Angeles (that Sayid kills) is the main mercenary sent to the island by Widmore in season 4.

Burp Me

Donny made dinner tonight. Some kind of chicken dish.

“Daddy, are you making dinner?”

“Yes.”

“What are you making?”

“It’s an experiment.”

“Hope it doesn’t blow up.”

Well, it did.

In Mommy’s chest! After two bowls of his chicken, swiss cheese, cream of mushroom soup, pasta shells extravaganza (which was amazing), and one Smirnoff Ice I got the worst gas bubble ever.

It started right under my right boob and kept traveling back and forth between there and my throat.

I thought I was having a heart attack. I posted this on Facebook:

I have this big ass gas bubble in my chest that is dancing between my throat (that part where they’d cut me open with a pocket knife and stick a straw in on those medical dramas) and right under my boob. I’m pretty sure I’m dying. Donny’s advice? Fart.

But I couldn’t! I tried and tried and nothing would come out. I tried so hard, steam came out of my ears. No farts. All of my friends had advice.

“Swallow a spoonful of honey.”

We have no honey. And, um, gross.

Then this tidbit from my friend Mike:

“You know what would totally help? Not being a nasty bitch. CHEW YOUR FOOD!”

So then I spent a solid two minutes laughing through the pain. Can you imagine what it must feel like to laugh uncontrollably while having a heart attack? Well, now, I don’t have to.

Then Meghan says:

Seriously…have him burp you…or lay on your back and he puts pressure on your legs in a curl…I’ve done it on infants, toddlers, teens and adults!!

So I tell Donny to get up and press on my legs.

“What? Why?”

“Because Meghan said so!”

I lie on my back on the floor and tell him he has to press against my legs in a curl.

“What’s a curl?”

“I don’t know! I thought you knew! You’re a man! God. We’re retarded.”

Two clueless fools: him standing over me looking confused and sleepy and me on the floor writhing in pain.

“Fine. Burp me!”

“Do what?”

“Burp me! Like a baby.”

I sit up, he sits down on the floor next to me and starts patting my back all over. I notice he’s paying a lot of attention to my lower back.

“Why so low?”

“So you can fart.”

“You’re supposed to be burping me.”

“Does it matter what end it comes out?

pat pat pat pat pat

“Why can’t you just make yourself burp?”

“I don’t know. Cause I’m not a 12-year-old boy?”

“Kali can do it.”

“I’m not a 10-year-old girl either.”

pat pat pat pat pat

Little tiny farts slip out, but not enough to relieve the pressure in my chest. I try telling him what Mike said, but I keep laughing so hard when I get to the punch line. By the time I get it out, we’re both laughing and snorting like pigs with tears in our eyes.

“That damn Mike.”

“Yeah.”

pat pat pat pat pat

“Even though I’m fat, my legs still look really pretty and long, huh?”

“Yes, and you’re not fat. You should do some stretches. Stretching makes you fart. Try to touch your toes.”

I stand up, bend over with my nightgown rising, and touch my toes.

Nothing.

“You just wanted to see me do that.”

Then…

“Hey, what the hell is that supposed to mean? Try to touch my toes? I can touch my toes, fucker. See.”

I bend over and do it again.

A fart escapes.

“See.”

Back on Facebook, I find this on my wall from my friend Kim:

My suck ass life has gotten in the way of totally appreciating the friends I met online (and by “suck ass life”, I mean “suck ass life”), and I’ve been sucky…but I had to let you know that I heart you to death, am so glad I “know” you, and I can’t wait to tell the world that I knew your ass way back when you were pooping on, not in, your hand. Seriously, I couldn’t be more happy for all that is going well in your life right now.

My response?

That’s really sweet, but I’m kinda busy trying to fart on demand right now.