Mommy Monday: I Never Thought I’d…
February 1, 2010 by nina
Filed under Mommy Monday
There are times when Kali and Jack will be cuddled up, giggling over something he just did – or sometimes nothing at all – and she’ll look up and say, “I never thought I’d have a baby brother.” She’ll further explain that she kind of resigned herself to always being an only child.
As we pack up the house for our move, she’ll sometimes say, “I never thought we’d be moving. I just kinda thought I’d always live here.”
She really does think about these things. At ten, she has definite ideas on how her life is, how it should be, and how it will be. In that sense, she’s a lot more connected to herself than I was at that age. I didn’t give the future much thought at ten. In fact, I kind of expected things to change at any moment, so when they did it was normal. When I was Kali’s age, I’d already lived in at least three or four different places.
I was too busy reading to give much thought to how many siblings I’d eventually have. My parents just kept popping them out and somewhere between To Kill a Mockingbird and Of Mice and Men, I’d look up to find a new baby sister.
Then again, I was convinced I’d never live past 18. Not sure why. I couldn’t envision myself in my 20′s or 30′s. I shared this prediction with my best friend once. She thought I was crazy. Not just cause it was a very morbid thing to think, but because I’d also recently confessed to being able to control traffic lights and NYC subway trains with my mind.
So, I am fascinated when Kali and I have these conversations in which she shares what she imagines for herself and our family. She seems to take change with ease. Excitement even. It’s like by having another baby and moving to a new house we’ve opened up a whole new world of possibilities for her.
Never thought you’d have a baby brother, but now here one is? Why not another? Why not a baby sister? Of course, this also teaches a valuable lesson in disappointment when I explain to her that Mommy will, most likely, not be having anymore babies.
Once, after she’d admitted that she still couldn’t believe she had a baby brother, I asked, “Is that a good thing?”
“Yeah. I never thought I’d have one, but I’m happy I do. Life is so funny.”
What a funny thing for a ten-year-old to say, right? She already has this sense of wonderment about life and an appreciation for it. I hope that never goes away.
Do you talk to your kids about their expectations? Their wants? Their dreams? What are they? Do you feel a responsibility to keep things as they are for your kids or have you found that your kids adapt well to change?
Nina is a 34-year-old mother, wife and writer who spends her days blogging, studying, changing diapers and watching ridiculous amounts of TV. She currently resides in Atlanta, Georgia, with her husband, two children and three TiVos.
Speaking of weird morbid things...is it weird that I think about death on a daily basis?
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LikeNo. That happens when we get older.
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Like"My parents just kept popping them out and somewhere between To Kill a Mockingbird and Of Mice and Men, I’d look up to find a new baby sister."
Brilliant.
I think that perhaps the difference is that the only thing you could count on as a child was change, whereas she's ways been able to count on the consistency of everything being the same. I think both have their virtues, surely.
Are you going to do a Lost predictions blog this season, before it's over? Not like, the recaps, if I watch it I don't need that so much as I want to hear what YOU think of what's happened and might happen at the end.
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LikeGood idea! I'll do one next week.
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LikeNot to get too into it, but how stable was your childhood? Did you move a lot when you were little? Did you move at all? Is this the first time you've moved with your daughter? (it feels disrespectful, as a stranger, to call a kid by their name. Is that weird?) Environmental factors are huge in the development of a child's psyche. It's likely she's formed her opinions on the finite through her own experience with boundaries: "I've never seen it, it isn't there", "The world must be flat because I can't see beyond the horizon", et al. Does she believe in Santa Claus? How broad is her imagination? It's fascinating to think of these things and the more varying things she's exposed to, the more I'd imagine she'll think of everything in a different shade of awareness.
Or I could just be talking out of my ass. It's cool that she's already approaching life with the aspect of possibility.
(also, you don't have to answer those questions I posed if you'd rather not. It was more-or-less a facetious stream of conscious)
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LikeThat's okay.
I don't remember if I realized it at the time, or gave it much thought, but thinking back now... yeah, we moved a lot. I'm REALLY bad at remembering how old I was during certain events. Like, I can remember the different apartments, but I get fuzzy on the order and how old I was at the time.
She believed in Santa until a few years ago. It wasn't anything dramatic when she didn't. It was more like, one day she did and then she didn't. That said, she has an active imagination. She likes to write stories (we know where she gets that from) and loves thinking about possibilities. She's big on "what if?" One of many things I love about her.
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LikeI don't have a reply, but I wanted to say I read you reply.
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LikeI wish I was as resilient to change as Kali is. Even at my age, I still find change to be scary, stressful, and uncomfortable, no matter how small the change. I don't even like going to a different gas station than I normally do. So being at ease with change will certainly come in handy for Kali.
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LikeWhen I ask my twelve year old what his goals are in life, he says "I don't know." Which is pre-teen for "Leave me alone. I wish to play my video games in peace, pesky grown-up." I don't worry so much about *what* his goals are. He'll have them. He does have them. I focus more on making sure that he knows that he has the power to make them real. And that he is both responsible for and empowered to achieve his own happiness.
I was raised Catholic, so everything good came from God and you weren't supposed to take pride in it or claim responsibility. I was raised to believe I had no intrinsic talent or worth (my parents loved me, they just wanted me humble). I tell my kids they can do anything, so they should use their powers for good.
I find my kids are resilient. They adapt to change much better than adults. If they have trouble with a change, it's usually because we are struggling with it and they key off of that.
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LikeYes. Any bad feelings I had about moving (more on that later this week) I had to keep to myself. In front of Kali, we treat it like an adventure. But we're also honest.
"Why are we moving?"
"Because this house just become too expensive for us and we like being able to feed you."
It doesn't hurt that the new place is really close and absolutely beautiful. We're "downgrading" in terms of space and cost, but we didn't want it to seem like we were moving them some place less nice or comfortable... if that makes sense.
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LikeI know this isn't the "Ask Me Anything" Blog, but I had been wondering about your move, and why you are moving. And also, you hadn't mentioned much about your mom and sister moving in with you, and what it was like getting used to that. I'm looking forward to hearing more about that.
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LikeWe moved from a big space to a small space, and honestly, I prefer the small space. It's nicer, it's cozier (not cheaper alas, because we moved from Washington to California), and my son felt it was an adventure. Kids don't really notice the hassle of moving, in my experience. They just think, new place, YAYZ! Wish I had that kind of attitude.
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LikeMy boys kept hoping for a baby and got one, once they got her they thought that was fine. I don't plan on moving but they plan on staying and I have to explain to them that when they are older I expect them to find their own homes someday. I just don't want a 35 year old living in the basement, is that so wrong?
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LikeIs it wrong that I want Kali to be living in my basement at 35?
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LikeOf course it isn't. :)
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LikeI know I've had my headin the dirt for weeks, but moving? Wow, now I have to dig around and get the dish.
Kali is a clever girl and the joy she has in the world is a great thing, Bravo to you and Donny.
Cheers
Heather
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LikeOMG "because I’d also recently confessed to being able to control traffic lights and NYC subway trains with my mind." FREAKING HILARIOUS.
I'm almost embarrassed to admit this but i felt the same way about dying young. I couldnt image myself older. I too, shared my feelings with a friend and immediately felt like a weird ass freak. I wonder if I just had nothing to look forward to. Very odd.
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Likewhew....we have been in survival mode for so long that its only recently that we have been able to think about anything more than the next day.
I will say that it was Dei's idea to consider adoption from Haiti and she planned it all out how it would work.
I have always maintained that fear motivates me and there is no progress without risk and I think it has rubbed off on her...if i told her we were packing up and moving to Africa she would go get her passport and suitcase, and call the airlines to find out how to transport the dogs
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