How Jenna Found Out I Loved Her – Part 3

Click here to read part one.

Click here to read part two.

Everything changed the weekend of the hiking trip. The church had organized a team-building outing for the youth group. I wasn’t very athletic and just the thought of hiking made my head ache. I would go because Jenna was going and my mother had insisted that Eloise and I participate in anything church related.

We rode the church bus to the park; Eloise wore frayed shorts from Goodwill and a pair of sneakers that used to be mine. The running sneakers looked new since I’d barely worn them. My father complained that I wasn’t more active. My mother did as well, but for a totally different reason. My father longed to have a child that was good at something, anything. Someone he could brag about to co-workers and root for at sporting events. Eloise was really good at volleyball, but he didn’t notice. My mother complained about idle hands being the devil’s workshop. My hands weren’t idle; they wrote furiously.

Jenna sat in front of us, next to Carrie, and across the aisle from Jacob. The youth leaders, Elizabeth and Brian, a married couple in their twenties, sat at the front of the bus and tried to encourage a sing-along. No one seemed interested. We arrived at the park and were given the agenda for the day; we’d hike the trail and rest for lunch and some activities. Afterwards, we’d hike back to the bus and be home in time for dinner.

We set off, everyone carrying a backpack with water and food. A few people took pictures. I made mental notes for my nightly journal entry. I didn’t bring it with me because I didn’t want to answer questions about it. I’d have to rely on memory to accurately describe the Georgia spring day that felt more like summer or the way Jenna squealed when a bee flew too close to her face.

We’d walked for an hour before coming to the clearing where we’d have lunch. I’d packed food for Eloise and I; peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, grapes, and carrot sticks. Elizabeth handed out bottles of water and we ate in silence before the exercises began. Everyone took turns standing atop a cooler with our backs to the rest of the group. Brian instructed the person on the cooler to fold his arms across his chest and fall backwards. The rest of the group was charged with catching him. I childishly considered not reaching out to catch Jacob when it was his turn, but knew that wouldn’t be very Christian.

When it came time for the dozen or so of us to sit in a circle for a sharing activity, I was surprised when Eloise didn’t sit next to me, but rather directly across the clearing. My surprise turned to pride when I thought that this was the point of the whole trip – to open up, to grow, to trust not just others, but yourself. Eloise couldn’t be by my side every time she went out in public. I’d be graduating next year and she’d have to learn to get along without me. Perhaps she’d realized this before I did.

We did some word association exercises where we had to say the first thing that popped into our head upon hearing words like, “Jesus,” “Faith,” and “Heaven.” We then went around the circle to divulge our greatest fears. When it was my turn I confessed that I worried I would not get into a good college and that I’d have to stay in our small town forever.

“That’s a lie.”

The whole group turned in the direction of the accusation. Eloise sat with her legs crossed and resting in her lap was my red leather notebook. Confusion over how and why she had it caused a delay in my reaction and so she was already opening it and reading, before I found my voice. And even then all I could manage was a weak, “Eloise?”

She read aloud as if I hadn’t spoken. Gone was the low-timbered voice that read from the bible in class, and in its place was a loud, assertive, and animated voice – like she was auditioning for a movie.

“Jenna is the most beautiful girl in school. In town. In the world. She asked me for a ride today after school. She needed to buy balloons for one of Carrie’s stupid parties. I agreed because I got to spend time with her alone. Time with Jenna without Jacob the mouth-breather lurking about, flexing his muscles and time without Carrie around talking about herself. I got to sit alone with her in my car and…”

“Samantha?”

Elizabeth’s voice, using my full name, called somewhere in the distance, but I was still watching Eloise read from my journal. She didn’t look up to see the reaction she was receiving by bearing my secrets and my soul. I was only vaguely aware of Jacob looking first amused and then angry, Carrie’s mixture of repulsion and annoyance and finally Jenna’s embarrassment and shock.

“In a perfect world,” Eloise continued to read, “I could tell Jenna I loved her and she’d love me back. But the world isn’t perfect – at least not our corner of it. In our world, I have to pretend to be something other than what I am. I have to pretend that I don’t want to kiss her every time…”

“Eloise!” I’d finally found my voice. Eloise stopped then, calmly lying my book face down in her lap as if it were hers. As if it had every right to be there and hadn’t been stolen from my room… when? The last time I remembered having it was the night before after dinner. She must have taken it early that morning while I was getting ready for the trip. The how wasn’t important though.

“Why?”

Eloise did not answer. She just looked at me with my father’s eyes before turning to Brian who had started to speak. “Perhaps we’ve had enough for today. Everyone gather your things. We’re heading back.” Eloise stood, walked across the clearing and dropped my notebook into my lap. It had served its purpose.

No one spoke to me or Eloise as we made our way back to the bus. I had a whole hour to figure out what had happened and why, yet I couldn’t come up with an answer that made any sense. Everyone paired up once again when choosing seats on the bus except this time, everyone gave both Eloise and I a wide berth. Rows of seats separated us from everyone else yet I could still hear snippets of hushed conversations.

Lesbian, gross, dyke, gay, and Jenna, did you know?

“Of course I didn’t know!” Jenna had responded with such disgust that my love for her immediately shriveled into a ball of shame that sat in my gut. It would remain there through the remainder of my junior year and grow as I was further shunned my senior year. It would cause fights between my first girlfriend and I my third year of college when I thought I’d finally been free to be myself. It would take many years for that ball to dissolve and allow me to breathe, to accept myself, to be a lesbian.

But that afternoon, on the bus back to town, that ball sat and pressed against my very soul. I wanted to vomit up lunch the way Eloise had spewed my secret.

“Why, Eloise? Why would you do this to me?” I whispered my plea to her erect profile. She wouldn’t look at me and I wasn’t sure I’d get an answer. If she’d read the whole journal, or any of the old ones, she had to know that I loved her too. I tried to protect her and I wanted nothing but good things for her. I’d always been on her side.

“I didn’t do it to you. I did it to her.” Eloise answered, but still didn’t look at me.

And it became clear. Eloise didn’t strike out at me or even Jenna. She was striking back against the woman who had forced her to live in a closet and had denied her birthday parties. She was striking back against the woman who’d kept a foot against her back since the day she came to live with us. Eloise had decided that hurting me was a small price to pay to bring public shame and humiliation to the woman who’d treated her like an inconvenient errand for five years.

Eloise had struck back against my mother.