24 – Day 8, 4pm-8pm

The following takes place between 4pm and 5pm:

With no reminiscing down memory lane, 24 starts with a bang. Literally. A guy being targeted by a sniper enters a building and finds his friend dead in the bathtub. He makes a phone and learns that another friend has also been shot. He pulls a gun and hauls ass out the building.

The sniper is just about to take a shot at him, when his accomplice realizes it’s not their target. Seems homeboy got a homeless guy to leave the building wearing his jacket. That’s a pretty fucked up thing to do to a homeless guy, but whatever. This is 24.

The guy gets away, but not before being shot in the shoulder.

Jack Bauer is watching cartoons with his granddaughter who keeps bugging him to change the channel. She’s just as annoying as her mother. Speaking of which, Kim calls to tell Jack she’ll be running a few minutes late due to traffic. Later, she speaks with her husband/boyfriend/baby daddy? about Jack not yet saying whether or not hell be moving to Los Angeles with them. He offers to talk to Jack.

President Taylor is in negotiations with president Hassan of Kamistan – they’re offering to dismantle their nuclear systems. They’re at stalemate when his country refuses to have the Americans being the one doing the inspection. Privately, Taylor pushes to give him what he wants.

Jack tells Kim that he wants to move back to Los Angeles with them. He’s gonna pack and meet them at their hotel. There’s all this sappy music playing as he buckles his granddaughter in the car and you just knooow shit is aimed right at the fan.

"We're gonna live happily ever after... after I spend the next 24 hours kicking ass."

Right now, the shit is in the form of the guy shot in the shoulder. He watches Jack go back inside his building before packing a gun and following.

A blonde woman gets all pissy when her press credentials are revoked for being invalid. Looks like she won’t be getting into this presidential press conference.

Hassan is informed that the U.S. has agreed to his terms with one condition: they want the head of the inspection team to be an American. Hassan is happy with this, but his brother is not. He thinks they’ve already done too much to appease the U.S. Hassan gets a call from the reporter and she explains that her press credentials have been revoked. Hassan’s bro admits that he had Ms. Reed’s credentials revoked because people are starting to talk. It is sooo obvious Hassan is hittin’ that but he insists he’s not.

Shot in shoulder guy is at Jack’s door. Jack doesn’t look happy to see him. He says he needs Jack’s help. Jack is all, “Victor, I’ll call your ass an ambulance, but that’s about it.” Victor tells Jack there’s gonna be a hit on Hassan before the peace treaty is signed. He wants Jack to call CTU and cut a deal for him (he got the hitman into the country.) Jack takes Victor’s gun and demands to know who the hitter is, but Victor won’t talk without a deal.

The New York CTU offices are all high-tech and fancy. Fancier than normal. Chloe is there, but she’s all outta sorts. She doesn’t like the way Dana (Starbuck from BSG) is treating her like a newbie. Also, Starbuck Dana seems to be engaged to Ortiz (Freddie Prinze, Jr.)

Jack calls Chloe and tells her he needs to speak to the director Hastings. (Bubba from Forest Gump.) She puts him through and he tells Hastings about Victor’s story.  Hastings says hell send a chopper to pick them up at a spot 5 blocks away. Hastings sends Ortiz with a team to pick them up.

H.N.I.C - Hastings navigates in C.T.U. What? What did you think it stood for?!

The Russian hitman and his guys are listening to police radio and hear a call go over about Victor’s shot up car. They know where he is now.

Taylor is pleased to hear that Hassan has accepted their counteroffer. She gets verklempt when she thinks about the fact that her husband isn’t there to share the moment – peace with the Islamic Republic is something they both always wanted. Turns out they’re divorced now because she sent their daughter to jail.

When Taylor gets word of the possible assassination attempt, her dilemma is now whether to tell Hassan before or after the agreement is signed. Rob, the chief of staff, thinks they should tell him, Ethan doesn’t.

Jack calls Kim and tells her that he’ll meet her at the airport instead. He doesn’t tell her that anything is wrong. He and Victor are two blocks from the precinct where the chopper is meeting them. Jack decides to cut through an alley. NEVER a good idea.

Chloe finally pulls Victor’s file, but Hastings is annoyed it took her so long. Chloe complains that she’s had to learn all the new interfaces, but Hastings isn’t really tryna hear it. She needs to catch up, or be gone.

Ortiz leaves to get Jack and worries that Starbuck Dana might be getting cold feet.

Jack drags Victor’s bloody ass through the alley, but Victor can barely walk. Jack rips into a nasty ass mattress to re-compress Victor’s wound. A suspicious parking attendant calls 911 on a very obvious Spring product placement. Jesus. The camera stayed on the camera for like, 30 seconds even though it took 3 to dial 9-1-1.

Hassan and his wife head down to the conference and things are extremely icy between them. Hassan’s aide meets Reed at the security checkpoint and warns her to stay away from Hassan.

Rob isn’t happy to hear that Taylor isn’t going to tell Hassan about the threat to his life.

In the alley, Jack and Victor are stopped by the cops but before they can verify his story, the bad guys show up. After a brief shootout, Jack and Victor head for roof and he calls CTU. They arrange an alternate rooftop pickup. Jack tells Victor he needs to tell him everything he knows about the hitter in case he doesn’t make it. Victor won’t hear of it.

Jack takes out one of the bad guys with a fire axe. The other goes toppling down the staircase hitting every landing on the way down.

They make it to the rooftop and one agent starts to take Victor to the copper while Ortiz tells Jack he needs to come in for a debriefing. Jack is like, “Negative. I got shit to do.” From another rooftop, someone launches a rocket and blows up the chopper.

At CTU, everyone is all freaked out that they’re dead. Jack gets to Victor and tells him he needs to tell what he knows before he dies. Victor manages to croak out that there’s a person on the inside, close to Hassan, in on the plan. Of course there is. This is 24. There’s ALWAYS someone on the inside. Then Victor dies like a punk ass bitch – but not as punk ass bitchy as the time he was forced to blow a gang banger on The Shield.

Reed tells a mystery person that Hassan’s brother took away her clearance, but she used her feminine wiles to get Hassan to reinstate it. She assures the person on the phone that “it” will get done. It = Hassan.

Tick… tock… tick… tock…

The following takes place between 5pm and 6pm…

Ortiz is all pissy with Hastings because he almost got a rocket up the ass. I find it hard to take him seriously as I keep picturing him with a blond wig and ascot.

Hastings orders Jack back to CTU for a debriefing. Jack, surprisingly, listens, but he ain’t happy.

Starbuck Dana tells Hastings she may have a lead on the insider and Hastings tells her to look into it with Chloe’s help. Hastings tells Chief of Staff Rob Wiess that they may want to postpone the treaty signing until the threat is handled, but he won’t hear of it.

Reed and Hassan talk and make arrangements to meet in his private office. Bow-chicka-bow-bow.

CTU figures out that Reed was the one who illegally accessed the U.N’s system and alert the Secret Service that she’s a threat. They grip her ass up when she’s just ten yards from Hassan.

Chloe tells everyone that it seems a little easy that Reed was found. Starbuck Dana pretty much tells Chloe to S.T.F.U. Hastings puts Chloe in charge of Jack’s debriefing.

Jack calls Kim from CTU and tells her he’ll meet her at the airport, but once she finds out where he is, she insists on picking him up on the way to the airport. In other words, she wants to make sure his ass gets on that plane.

Ortiz is all pissed off cause he feels like if they had more backup, the attack wouldn’t have happened. Hastings warns him not to put his concerns on record.

Chloe expresses her concerns that Reed is a red herring, but Jack doesn’t want to get involved.

Hassan’s daughter is relieved that he’s okay. His wife is suspicious that Reed had such access to him. His brother walks in and I just realize he has hair like that prince from Shrek. It annoys me.

He pulls Hassan aside and tells him that Reed will be questioned and he needs to know everything she will say about their relationship. Hassan confesses to the affair, but his bro warns him that if questioned by the Americans, he need to deny it. Hassan neither agrees or disagrees.

Hassan’s brother calls the shooter and tells him that he needs to get Hassan to refute the reporter’s story so that CTU will think she’s the contact on the inside and divert attention from the true rat – Hassan’s brother!

Arlo flirts with Starbuck Dana and she shoots him down. Then she gets a call from someone that calls her Jenny Scott. He threatens her and she threatens to call the cops. She’s all, “My name isn’t Jenny! It’s Starbuck Dana!”

Reed demands to know why she’s been detained. Hastings tells her they found evidence that she’s apart of a plot to kill Hassan. He ain’t hearing it.

Jack presents Hastings with photos of the shooter entering Reed’s apartment around the time Reed supposedly hacked into the U.N.’s computers. Hastings STILL ain’t hearing it.

Jack tells Chloe she’s on her own. The last time he got tangled up in some national security shit, he got cooties! Jack meets Kim and her family in the parking garage. Kim tells him that she spoke to Chloe and Chloe broke all kinds of national security rules to tell her what’s going on. Chloe tryna get fired. Kim convinces Jack to stay. It’s the least she can do after being extremely annoying and fucking up the works in prior seasons.

Jack heads into CTU and he’s all business.

As Reed is being interrogated, the negotiations begin. Taylor tells Hassan that any info revealed by Reed will be shared with him.

Chloe can’t find out where the shooter went after leaving Reed’s apartment via the traffic cams, but hacks into Arlo’s system to get footage. They get the cab number and call to find out where it took him.

Starbuck Dana calls some redneck chick and asks her if she ratted her out to the bastard that’s been calling her. Redneck Ruth swears it wasn’t her. Starbuck Dana continues to have a completely secretive conversation in the hallway at work. Arlo snitches that someone hacked into his station to scan the drone archives. Starbuck Dana tells him to track it down and find out who did it.

The shooter shows up at a couple’s house and it turns out he is a cop that’s a part of the U.N. security detail.

Starbuck Dana tells Hastings what Jack and Chloe are up to. Hastings busts Jack trying to steal weapons from the armory. Jack tells Hastings that the president will be very interested to know that Hastings is a fuck up that got his informant and one of his own men killed. Hastings lets Jack do what he does best if only he’ll keep his mouth shut. Hastings still thinks the only lead is Reed.

The shooter, Mikey, wants to trade shifts with Jim but Jim says he can’t. Jim and Maggie have a meeting at their son’s school. Mikey suddenly gets a whole new accent and pulls a gun. He orders Jim to cover his wife’s mouth with tape and then shoots her in the leg to show he means business. He orders Jim to call the boss an tell him that Mikey will be taking his shift. Jim gets on the good foot and does as he’s told.

The following takes place between 6pm and 7pm…

Hastings tells chief of staff Weiss that they’re still trying to get info from Reed. Weiss isn’t happy that they are moving so slowly and wants the file found on Reed’s computer decrypted quickly.

Ortiz tells Starbuck Dana what Chloe and Jack suspect, Starbuck Dana thinks that Reed is still their best bet.

Mikey tells Jim he doesn’t want to hurt them, he is just doing his job. Mikey talks to the boss and tells him that Mikey will be taking his shift. Jim then asks Mikey to leave them alone, but I don’t think that’s gonna happen.

Jack is at the block where the cab dropped Mikey off and a young guy playing basketball tells Jack which house Mikey went into. Jack sees Jim shot in the forehead from the window and busts in the back door. Of course the cops show up and think that Jack killed the people inside. Jack tried to explain to one officer what was going on, but his trigger-happy partner tazers Jack in the back.

That’s a bitch-ass move.

The creepy blackmailing stalker dude from Starbuck’s Dana’s past shows up at CTU. She goes to meet him. He makes her beg to keep her secret then tells her he needs a place to stay. She gives him the keys to her place when I really think she should have just shot his ass.

Reed tells Hastings about her affair with Hassan but he doesn’t believe it. He calls for confirmation, but he has to wait for a callback from Weiss. Chloe tries to get Hastings to send back up for Jack, but he’s still being an asshole. Meanwhile, Jack is getting his ass kicked in the basement of the dead cop’s house. The one cop with sense doesn’t want any parts of it and heads upstairs.

When the president tells Hassan that Hastings wants to speak with him, Hassan’s bro warns him to deny the relationship. Hassan gets on the phone with Hastings and confirms the affair. Hassan’s brother almost flips his wig. Literally. Hastings refuses to send back up for Jack AND he still thinks Reed is on the plot to assassinate Hassan. At this point, I want to kick Hastings in his ass.

Hassan’s bro calls Mikey and tells him what Hassan did. Mikey says the plan is still on that Hassan will be dead within the hour.

Jack gets the drop on the cop that’s been beating his ass, but the partner shows up and pulls his gun on both of them. He calls in the double murder, and Jack convinces him to look up the duty assignment for the dead cop.

Arlo continues to hit on Starbuck Dana, but before she can cuss him out, there’s a break in the file they’ve been decrypting. It’s schematic for the U.N. with a bomb present. Hastings calls it in. Chloe tells Hastings it could be a trap, but he’s still being ignorant.

An evacuation is ordered which, of course, is exactly what Mikey wanted. He arms the bomb from his cell phone outside.

Hassan’s bro calls Mikey and tells him which car his brother is in. At this point, Donny points out that Hassan’s bro looks like a damn douchebag.

The good cop confirms Jack’s story and drives him to the U.N. Jack calls Chloe and tells her what’s going on. I’m real shitty Jack doesn’t get a chance to beat dat ass of the cop that was beating on him, but I suppose Jack got bigger fish to fry.

Jack is patched through to Cole Ortiz who uses his car to push Hassan’s car out of danger and off course. Aw, sookie sookie now. They done made Freddie Prinze Jr. a P.I.M.P.

The following takes place between 7pm and 8pm…

Hastings gets his ass chewed out by Weiss when they realize they fell for a trap to get Hassan out of the building. Both Ortiz and Hassan are fine. As Ortiz starts to move Hassan to another vehicle, Mikey considers taking a shot at him but there are too many cops around. Hassan gets away safely.

As Cole calls in his situation to Starbuck Dana, he spots Mikey and takes chase.

Hassan’s bro calls Mikey who tells him what happens. He tells Hassan’s bro to get the hell outta dodge because they will soon know he’s in on it. Then this fool gets out of the car, stabs a cop in the neck with a pen, and hauls ass!

Mikey gets the drop on Ortiz and tells him he’s gonna walk him outta there. He orders Ortiz to call in that their position is clear so they can get away. Ortiz, instead, gives up their position and prepares to die. Jack shows up and kills Mikey instead.

Freddie Prinze Jr. then shits his pants.

Hassan arrives at CTU and Hastings tells him about his brother’s involvement. Chloe tells Hastings that Mikey was killed by Jack and that Jack uplinked some video of the tattoos on the killers. They are all members of a Russian gang. They’re flying in an agent that got close to the gang during an investigation: Renee Walker.

Hassan’s bro is on the run. He calls the Russian man in charge and hails a cab to go meet him.

President Taylor expresses her gratitude that Hassan is still alive. Rob Weiss is all business. He wants to know if the peace negotiations are still in place. Hassan is not about to let his brother get away with ruining what they started. Taylor says she’ll arrange for CTU to have Hassan returned to the U.N. as soon as possible.

Ortiz and Jack arrive at CTU and Chloe tells Jack that Renee is on her way due to her experience working undercover for the Russian mob. According to Chloe, Renee went all white girl crazy at some point.

Hassan thanks Ortiz for saving his life, but Ortiz tells him that it wasn’t just him – Jack and Chloe deserve props. Alarms sound in CTU. Seems Mikey’s dead body is giving off all kinds of nuclear cootie vibes. Hassan wants to speak to Hastings a.s.a.p.

Renee arrives at CTU and Chloe greets her at the helipad. Chloe manages to not stick her foot in her mouth and ask too many awkward questions or mention Jack.

Hassan tells Hastings that some nuclear program they were working on could be behind the uranium cooties coming off of Mikey. He warns that they need to stop the Russians before they get their hands on it.

Renee deciphers Mikey’s tattoos. She explains that the gang is badass. Hastings tells Renee that she needs to go back undercover with the Russian mob. Renee says she’ll do it, but not cause she wants her FBI badge back, just cause she’s hardcore like that. Word.

Jack says goodbye to Chloe. She fills him in on Renee going back undercover. Jack goes to talk to Renee. She is very happy to see him. But she doesn’t want to hear his warnings against going back undercover. She likes the new, darker, side of herself and Jack should really mind his fucking business. Well, she doesn’t say that exactly, but you get the point between all the raw sexual tension.

Hassan meets with Reed and though he admits he really cares for her, he can’t jeopardize all the good he can do for his country by being with her. A secret service guy is being all nosy so their visit is cut short.

Renee devises a plan to get back into the Russian’s good graces. Jack walks in and needs to speak to Hastings alone. Renee refuses to leave. Jack tells Hastings that Renee isn’t ready for this. Renee tells Jack to mind his own beeswax. Jack says he’ll go in with her.

Hassan’s brother arrives at the Russians’ evil headquarters. He wants proof that they have the uranium rods. The Russian boss shows him his younger son who is locked in a room at the back of the restaurant. He’s all cootied up from the exposure. This seems to be proof enough for Hassan’s bro.

Redneck boy calls Starbuck Dana at work. He wants to know about Ortiz. He wants her to come home and she won’t. He goes all white boy redneck crazy on her.

Renee arrives at her Russian contact’s store. She claims she got out of jail early and wants to get in touch with Vladimir (are there no other Russian names?) – she has a buyer for him. He says he can’t help her. If he calls for Vladimir, they’ll kill him. He has a monitor bracelet on his wrist from being on parole. Renee gets all flirty with him. She claims she can get his bracelet off.

She clamps his hand in a vice and then CUTS HIS FUCKING HAND OFF!!!

Jack comes rushing in. He says this is over. Renee says she’s just getting started.

Tick…tock…tick…tock….