24 – Day 8, 8pm-9pm

Previously on 24: Agent Ortiz saves president Hassan’s life. It’s revealed that Hassan’s brother was in on the attack. The assassin’s body is emitting hazardous gas. Bazhaev confirms he has possession of the rods. Renee Walker goes back undercover with the Russians to foil their plans. In the process, she cuts a man’s hand off.

The following takes places between 8pm and 9pm…

In Kamistan, a general gets a call from Hassan’s bro. The general is annoyed that the plan hasn’t gone as planned. Hassan’s bro assures him that he almost has his hands on the uranium.

Bazhaev’s son is dying. He refuses to let his son go to a doctor because it could lead the authorities right to him. His other son convinces Bazhaev to at least let the dying son die at the country house instead in a room behind the kitchen. I mean, damn.

Hassan’s bro assures Bazhaev that the money will be transferred soon. Bazhaev sets him up with some hookers to keep him busy in the meantime.

Jack and Renee tend to Stumpy’s wounds and Jack wants to call Hastings to dime Renee out. She convinces him not to. Jack leaves and Stumpy wakes up. He’s all salty about his fucked up situation, but gets over it when Renee talks about how much money he’ll get.

Redneck Kevin calls Starbuck Dana at work and continues to be a pain in the ass. He threatens to tell Ortiz about Dana’s past if she doesn’t come home.

In the car, Stumpy is chugging vodka and talking about Vladimir and Renee, she quickly shuts him up because he’s obviously about to say some shit she doesn’t want Jack to hear.

Chloe calls Jack to tell him his cover story has been uplinked. He asks her to look into everything between Renee and Vladimir.

Joseph, Bazhaev’s non-dying son, decides to take his brother to a doctor instead of the country house to die.

Hassan admits to his wife that he thought he loved Reed. She wants him to say it. He says they are both to blame for their unhappy marriage. He begs her not to leave. She says she’s outtie.

Stumpy goes inside to soften up Vladimir first. Vladimir is Leoben from BSG! I love him!! He wants to kill Stumpy, but he pauses when he hears Renee is in the car. Vladimir’s man, Hugo, says he believes Stumpy, but he never trusted Renee. Vladimir doesn’t think Renee is the one that ratted them out. He is obviously whipped.

Ortiz is looking for Starbuck Dana, and Arlo tells him that she went home. He looks confused. Well, more confused than usual.

Starbuck Dana goes home and finds Redneck Kevin has some loser in her house. She offers him money to leave and he slaps her around. She swears she didn’t testify against him. He wants her to use her CTU access to get him at least six figures.

Doesn’t CTU give everyone guns? Why doesn’t she just kill his ass?

Chloe tells Jack that it looks Vladimir beat Renee’s ass a few times. He asks if he raped her, and Chloe says there’s nothing in the file about that. Jack knows that Renee tried to kill herself at least once, and that more is going on.

Vladimir’s men pat Renee down. Chloe and Jack feed her answers to gain his trust, but he still puts them in a trunk.

Joseph threatens a doctor with killing his family if he doesn’t help his brother.

Vladimir  pulls over and Jack realizes they’ve been following a decoy vehicle.

Jack tells Renee they are ten minutes out and to stall.

Vladimir shoots Stumpy, but Renee refuses to beg. He wants to know who she is. She says she has nowhere to go and no one to go to. She demands that he kills her, and of course he doesn’t. They dump Stumpy in the river. Jack calls off the backup Hastings had waiting to intercept.

They bought Renee’s cover.

Tick… tock… tick… tock…

24 – Day 8, 4pm-8pm

The following takes place between 4pm and 5pm:

With no reminiscing down memory lane, 24 starts with a bang. Literally. A guy being targeted by a sniper enters a building and finds his friend dead in the bathtub. He makes a phone and learns that another friend has also been shot. He pulls a gun and hauls ass out the building.

The sniper is just about to take a shot at him, when his accomplice realizes it’s not their target. Seems homeboy got a homeless guy to leave the building wearing his jacket. That’s a pretty fucked up thing to do to a homeless guy, but whatever. This is 24.

The guy gets away, but not before being shot in the shoulder.

Jack Bauer is watching cartoons with his granddaughter who keeps bugging him to change the channel. She’s just as annoying as her mother. Speaking of which, Kim calls to tell Jack she’ll be running a few minutes late due to traffic. Later, she speaks with her husband/boyfriend/baby daddy? about Jack not yet saying whether or not hell be moving to Los Angeles with them. He offers to talk to Jack.

President Taylor is in negotiations with president Hassan of Kamistan – they’re offering to dismantle their nuclear systems. They’re at stalemate when his country refuses to have the Americans being the one doing the inspection. Privately, Taylor pushes to give him what he wants.

Jack tells Kim that he wants to move back to Los Angeles with them. He’s gonna pack and meet them at their hotel. There’s all this sappy music playing as he buckles his granddaughter in the car and you just knooow shit is aimed right at the fan.

Right now, the shit is in the form of the guy shot in the shoulder. He watches Jack go back inside his building before packing a gun and following.

A blonde woman gets all pissy when her press credentials are revoked for being invalid. Looks like she won’t be getting into this presidential press conference.

Hassan is informed that the U.S. has agreed to his terms with one condition: they want the head of the inspection team to be an American. Hassan is happy with this, but his brother is not. He thinks they’ve already done too much to appease the U.S. Hassan gets a call from the reporter and she explains that her press credentials have been revoked. Hassan’s bro admits that he had Ms. Reed’s credentials revoked because people are starting to talk. It is sooo obvious Hassan is hittin’ that but he insists he’s not.

Shot in shoulder guy is at Jack’s door. Jack doesn’t look happy to see him. He says he needs Jack’s help. Jack is all, “Victor, I’ll call your ass an ambulance, but that’s about it.” Victor tells Jack there’s gonna be a hit on Hassan before the peace treaty is signed. He wants Jack to call CTU and cut a deal for him (he got the hitman into the country.) Jack takes Victor’s gun and demands to know who the hitter is, but Victor won’t talk without a deal.

The New York CTU offices are all high-tech and fancy. Fancier than normal. Chloe is there, but she’s all outta sorts. She doesn’t like the way Dana (Starbuck from BSG) is treating her like a newbie. Also, Starbuck Dana seems to be engaged to Ortiz (Freddie Prinze, Jr.)

Jack calls Chloe and tells her he needs to speak to the director Hastings. (Bubba from Forest Gump.) She puts him through and he tells Hastings about Victor’s story.  Hastings says hell send a chopper to pick them up at a spot 5 blocks away. Hastings sends Ortiz with a team to pick them up.

The Russian hitman and his guys are listening to police radio and hear a call go over about Victor’s shot up car. They know where he is now.

Taylor is pleased to hear that Hassan has accepted their counteroffer. She gets verklempt when she thinks about the fact that her husband isn’t there to share the moment – peace with the Islamic Republic is something they both always wanted. Turns out they’re divorced now because she sent their daughter to jail.

When Taylor gets word of the possible assassination attempt, her dilemma is now whether to tell Hassan before or after the agreement is signed. Rob, the chief of staff, thinks they should tell him, Ethan doesn’t.

Jack calls Kim and tells her that he’ll meet her at the airport instead. He doesn’t tell her that anything is wrong. He and Victor are two blocks from the precinct where the chopper is meeting them. Jack decides to cut through an alley. NEVER a good idea.

Chloe finally pulls Victor’s file, but Hastings is annoyed it took her so long. Chloe complains that she’s had to learn all the new interfaces, but Hastings isn’t really tryna hear it. She needs to catch up, or be gone.

Ortiz leaves to get Jack and worries that Starbuck Dana might be getting cold feet.

Jack drags Victor’s bloody ass through the alley, but Victor can barely walk. Jack rips into a nasty ass mattress to re-compress Victor’s wound. A suspicious parking attendant calls 911 on a very obvious Spring product placement. Jesus. The camera stayed on the camera for like, 30 seconds even though it took 3 to dial 9-1-1.

Hassan and his wife head down to the conference and things are extremely icy between them. Hassan’s aide meets Reed at the security checkpoint and warns her to stay away from Hassan.

Rob isn’t happy to hear that Taylor isn’t going to tell Hassan about the threat to his life.

In the alley, Jack and Victor are stopped by the cops but before they can verify his story, the bad guys show up. After a brief shootout, Jack and Victor head for roof and he calls CTU. They arrange an alternate rooftop pickup. Jack tells Victor he needs to tell him everything he knows about the hitter in case he doesn’t make it. Victor won’t hear of it.

Jack takes out one of the bad guys with a fire axe. The other goes toppling down the staircase hitting every landing on the way down.

They make it to the rooftop and one agent starts to take Victor to the copper while Ortiz tells Jack he needs to come in for a debriefing. Jack is like, “Negative. I got shit to do.” From another rooftop, someone launches a rocket and blows up the chopper.

At CTU, everyone is all freaked out that they’re dead. Jack gets to Victor and tells him he needs to tell what he knows before he dies. Victor manages to croak out that there’s a person on the inside, close to Hassan, in on the plan. Of course there is. This is 24. There’s ALWAYS someone on the inside. Then Victor dies like a punk ass bitch – but not as punk ass bitchy as the time he was forced to blow a gang banger on The Shield.

Reed tells a mystery person that Hassan’s brother took away her clearance, but she used her feminine wiles to get Hassan to reinstate it. She assures the person on the phone that “it” will get done. It = Hassan.

Tick… tock… tick… tock…

The following takes place between 5pm and 6pm…

Ortiz is all pissy with Hastings because he almost got a rocket up the ass. I find it hard to take him seriously as I keep picturing him with a blond wig and ascot.

Hastings orders Jack back to CTU for a debriefing. Jack, surprisingly, listens, but he ain’t happy.

Starbuck Dana tells Hastings she may have a lead on the insider and Hastings tells her to look into it with Chloe’s help. Hastings tells Chief of Staff Rob Wiess that they may want to postpone the treaty signing until the threat is handled, but he won’t hear of it.

Reed and Hassan talk and make arrangements to meet in his private office. Bow-chicka-bow-bow.

CTU figures out that Reed was the one who illegally accessed the U.N’s system and alert the Secret Service that she’s a threat. They grip her ass up when she’s just ten yards from Hassan.

Chloe tells everyone that it seems a little easy that Reed was found. Starbuck Dana pretty much tells Chloe to S.T.F.U. Hastings puts Chloe in charge of Jack’s debriefing.

Jack calls Kim from CTU and tells her he’ll meet her at the airport, but once she finds out where he is, she insists on picking him up on the way to the airport. In other words, she wants to make sure his ass gets on that plane.

Ortiz is all pissed off cause he feels like if they had more backup, the attack wouldn’t have happened. Hastings warns him not to put his concerns on record.

Chloe expresses her concerns that Reed is a red herring, but Jack doesn’t want to get involved.

Hassan’s daughter is relieved that he’s okay. His wife is suspicious that Reed had such access to him. His brother walks in and I just realize he has hair like that prince from Shrek. It annoys me.

He pulls Hassan aside and tells him that Reed will be questioned and he needs to know everything she will say about their relationship. Hassan confesses to the affair, but his bro warns him that if questioned by the Americans, he need to deny it. Hassan neither agrees or disagrees.

Hassan’s brother calls the shooter and tells him that he needs to get Hassan to refute the reporter’s story so that CTU will think she’s the contact on the inside and divert attention from the true rat – Hassan’s brother!

Arlo flirts with Starbuck Dana and she shoots him down. Then she gets a call from someone that calls her Jenny Scott. He threatens her and she threatens to call the cops. She’s all, “My name isn’t Jenny! It’s Starbuck Dana!”

Reed demands to know why she’s been detained. Hastings tells her they found evidence that she’s apart of a plot to kill Hassan. He ain’t hearing it.

Jack presents Hastings with photos of the shooter entering Reed’s apartment around the time Reed supposedly hacked into the U.N.’s computers. Hastings STILL ain’t hearing it.

Jack tells Chloe she’s on her own. The last time he got tangled up in some national security shit, he got cooties! Jack meets Kim and her family in the parking garage. Kim tells him that she spoke to Chloe and Chloe broke all kinds of national security rules to tell her what’s going on. Chloe tryna get fired. Kim convinces Jack to stay. It’s the least she can do after being extremely annoying and fucking up the works in prior seasons.

Jack heads into CTU and he’s all business.

As Reed is being interrogated, the negotiations begin. Taylor tells Hassan that any info revealed by Reed will be shared with him.

Chloe can’t find out where the shooter went after leaving Reed’s apartment via the traffic cams, but hacks into Arlo’s system to get footage. They get the cab number and call to find out where it took him.

Starbuck Dana calls some redneck chick and asks her if she ratted her out to the bastard that’s been calling her. Redneck Ruth swears it wasn’t her. Starbuck Dana continues to have a completely secretive conversation in the hallway at work. Arlo snitches that someone hacked into his station to scan the drone archives. Starbuck Dana tells him to track it down and find out who did it.

The shooter shows up at a couple’s house and it turns out he is a cop that’s a part of the U.N. security detail.

Starbuck Dana tells Hastings what Jack and Chloe are up to. Hastings busts Jack trying to steal weapons from the armory. Jack tells Hastings that the president will be very interested to know that Hastings is a fuck up that got his informant and one of his own men killed. Hastings lets Jack do what he does best if only he’ll keep his mouth shut. Hastings still thinks the only lead is Reed.

The shooter, Mikey, wants to trade shifts with Jim but Jim says he can’t. Jim and Maggie have a meeting at their son’s school. Mikey suddenly gets a whole new accent and pulls a gun. He orders Jim to cover his wife’s mouth with tape and then shoots her in the leg to show he means business. He orders Jim to call the boss an tell him that Mikey will be taking his shift. Jim gets on the good foot and does as he’s told.

The following takes place between 6pm and 7pm…

Hastings tells chief of staff Weiss that they’re still trying to get info from Reed. Weiss isn’t happy that they are moving so slowly and wants the file found on Reed’s computer decrypted quickly.

Ortiz tells Starbuck Dana what Chloe and Jack suspect, Starbuck Dana thinks that Reed is still their best bet.

Mikey tells Jim he doesn’t want to hurt them, he is just doing his job. Mikey talks to the boss and tells him that Mikey will be taking his shift. Jim then asks Mikey to leave them alone, but I don’t think that’s gonna happen.

Jack is at the block where the cab dropped Mikey off and a young guy playing basketball tells Jack which house Mikey went into. Jack sees Jim shot in the forehead from the window and busts in the back door. Of course the cops show up and think that Jack killed the people inside. Jack tried to explain to one officer what was going on, but his trigger-happy partner tazers Jack in the back.

That’s a bitch-ass move.

The creepy blackmailing stalker dude from Starbuck’s Dana’s past shows up at CTU. She goes to meet him. He makes her beg to keep her secret then tells her he needs a place to stay. She gives him the keys to her place when I really think she should have just shot his ass.

Reed tells Hastings about her affair with Hassan but he doesn’t believe it. He calls for confirmation, but he has to wait for a callback from Weiss. Chloe tries to get Hastings to send back up for Jack, but he’s still being an asshole. Meanwhile, Jack is getting his ass kicked in the basement of the dead cop’s house. The one cop with sense doesn’t want any parts of it and heads upstairs.

When the president tells Hassan that Hastings wants to speak with him, Hassan’s bro warns him to deny the relationship. Hassan gets on the phone with Hastings and confirms the affair. Hassan’s brother almost flips his wig. Literally. Hastings refuses to send back up for Jack AND he still thinks Reed is on the plot to assassinate Hassan. At this point, I want to kick Hastings in his ass.

Hassan’s bro calls Mikey and tells him what Hassan did. Mikey says the plan is still on that Hassan will be dead within the hour.

Jack gets the drop on the cop that’s been beating his ass, but the partner shows up and pulls his gun on both of them. He calls in the double murder, and Jack convinces him to look up the duty assignment for the dead cop.

Arlo continues to hit on Starbuck Dana, but before she can cuss him out, there’s a break in the file they’ve been decrypting. It’s schematic for the U.N. with a bomb present. Hastings calls it in. Chloe tells Hastings it could be a trap, but he’s still being ignorant.

An evacuation is ordered which, of course, is exactly what Mikey wanted. He arms the bomb from his cell phone outside.

Hassan’s bro calls Mikey and tells him which car his brother is in. At this point, Donny points out that Hassan’s bro looks like a damn douchebag.

The good cop confirms Jack’s story and drives him to the U.N. Jack calls Chloe and tells her what’s going on. I’m real shitty Jack doesn’t get a chance to beat dat ass of the cop that was beating on him, but I suppose Jack got bigger fish to fry.

Jack is patched through to Cole Ortiz who uses his car to push Hassan’s car out of danger and off course. Aw, sookie sookie now. They done made Freddie Prinze Jr. a P.I.M.P.

The following takes place between 7pm and 8pm…

Hastings gets his ass chewed out by Weiss when they realize they fell for a trap to get Hassan out of the building. Both Ortiz and Hassan are fine. As Ortiz starts to move Hassan to another vehicle, Mikey considers taking a shot at him but there are too many cops around. Hassan gets away safely.

As Cole calls in his situation to Starbuck Dana, he spots Mikey and takes chase.

Hassan’s bro calls Mikey who tells him what happens. He tells Hassan’s bro to get the hell outta dodge because they will soon know he’s in on it. Then this fool gets out of the car, stabs a cop in the neck with a pen, and hauls ass!

Mikey gets the drop on Ortiz and tells him he’s gonna walk him outta there. He orders Ortiz to call in that their position is clear so they can get away. Ortiz, instead, gives up their position and prepares to die. Jack shows up and kills Mikey instead.

Freddie Prinze Jr. then shits his pants.

Hassan arrives at CTU and Hastings tells him about his brother’s involvement. Chloe tells Hastings that Mikey was killed by Jack and that Jack uplinked some video of the tattoos on the killers. They are all members of a Russian gang. They’re flying in an agent that got close to the gang during an investigation: Renee Walker.

Hassan’s bro is on the run. He calls the Russian man in charge and hails a cab to go meet him.

President Taylor expresses her gratitude that Hassan is still alive. Rob Weiss is all business. He wants to know if the peace negotiations are still in place. Hassan is not about to let his brother get away with ruining what they started. Taylor says she’ll arrange for CTU to have Hassan returned to the U.N. as soon as possible.

Ortiz and Jack arrive at CTU and Chloe tells Jack that Renee is on her way due to her experience working undercover for the Russian mob. According to Chloe, Renee went all white girl crazy at some point.

Hassan thanks Ortiz for saving his life, but Ortiz tells him that it wasn’t just him – Jack and Chloe deserve props. Alarms sound in CTU. Seems Mikey’s dead body is giving off all kinds of nuclear cootie vibes. Hassan wants to speak to Hastings a.s.a.p.

Renee arrives at CTU and Chloe greets her at the helipad. Chloe manages to not stick her foot in her mouth and ask too many awkward questions or mention Jack.

Hassan tells Hastings that some nuclear program they were working on could be behind the uranium cooties coming off of Mikey. He warns that they need to stop the Russians before they get their hands on it.

Renee deciphers Mikey’s tattoos. She explains that the gang is badass. Hastings tells Renee that she needs to go back undercover with the Russian mob. Renee says she’ll do it, but not cause she wants her FBI badge back, just cause she’s hardcore like that. Word.

Jack says goodbye to Chloe. She fills him in on Renee going back undercover. Jack goes to talk to Renee. She is very happy to see him. But she doesn’t want to hear his warnings against going back undercover. She likes the new, darker, side of herself and Jack should really mind his fucking business. Well, she doesn’t say that exactly, but you get the point between all the raw sexual tension.

Hassan meets with Reed and though he admits he really cares for her, he can’t jeopardize all the good he can do for his country by being with her. A secret service guy is being all nosy so their visit is cut short.

Renee devises a plan to get back into the Russian’s good graces. Jack walks in and needs to speak to Hastings alone. Renee refuses to leave. Jack tells Hastings that Renee isn’t ready for this. Renee tells Jack to mind his own beeswax. Jack says he’ll go in with her.

Hassan’s brother arrives at the Russians’ evil headquarters. He wants proof that they have the uranium rods. The Russian boss shows him his younger son who is locked in a room at the back of the restaurant. He’s all cootied up from the exposure. This seems to be proof enough for Hassan’s bro.

Redneck boy calls Starbuck Dana at work. He wants to know about Ortiz. He wants her to come home and she won’t. He goes all white boy redneck crazy on her.

Renee arrives at her Russian contact’s store. She claims she got out of jail early and wants to get in touch with Vladimir (are there no other Russian names?) – she has a buyer for him. He says he can’t help her. If he calls for Vladimir, they’ll kill him. He has a monitor bracelet on his wrist from being on parole. Renee gets all flirty with him. She claims she can get his bracelet off.

She clamps his hand in a vice and then CUTS HIS FUCKING HAND OFF!!!

Jack comes rushing in. He says this is over. Renee says she’s just getting started.

Tick…tock…tick…tock….

Question of the Week: Why Can’t The Haitians Help Themselves?

So, I’ve been seeing the following message floating around Facebook statuses:

Shame on you America: the only country where we have homeless without shelter, children going to bed without eating, elderly going without needed meds, and mentally ill without treatment – yet we have a benefit for the people of Haiti on 12 TV stations. 99% of people won’t have the guts to copy and repost this.

So, my question of the week is, “What the fuck?”

At least that was my first reaction. Then, after sleeping on it, I wondered if a handful of people on Facebook feel this way, how many others do as well?

Personally, I think there’s a huge difference between a country that can (and has) help itself, but because of indifference, bureaucracy, and plain ole human nature, doesn’t always live up to its promise and potential and a country banding together to help an already impoverished country struck by a national disaster.

If you feel like more should be done at home, do it. You can’t blast the rest of the country for having compassion for a devastated country if you’re not writing elected officials to voice your concerns about health care reform or donating clothing and food to the homeless.

I understand the frustration behind the post. Our country has a ton of its own problems, but I think the comparison is way off base.

What do you think?

Mommy Monday: Facebook Fiend

It was bound to happen. Just a few short weeks after getting Kali a laptop for Christmas, she now has a Facebook account.

Thanks to Windows 7, we’ve been able to closely monitor not just her internet use, but everything she does while on the computer. So, she won’t be tempted to stay up late doing God knows what while we sleep, we have a timer set so that the laptop shuts off at 9pm on school nights and 11pm on the weekends. Only games of a certain ESRB rating are allowed to be played/installed and as the administrator I watch her browser history with Dick Cheney-like hawkishness.

(She’s also kinda under the impression that every night her laptop emails my laptop a complete video of everything she did on the computer that day.)

The fact that she has since joined the Facebook fray is totally my fault. It all began when I would ask her to log in to my Farmville and Petville accounts to harvest my crops and clean my apartment. What?! It’s not my fault Zynga has yet to install the upgrade where you can peruse the local Home Depot for Mexican day workers!

Like all oppressed, she started grumbling about reaping the benefits for herself. Why can’t I have my own farm with neighbors and stuff? Why, indeed.

So, I let her have an account under the rules that I will accept all of her friend requests, read her emails, and get first crack at her golden eggs when she posts them. Don’t judge me.

I made my status updates invisible to her and only sent out friend requests to family and friends that didn’t post questionable content. Of course, it has recently come to my attention that one family member in particular got super offended when  they were excluded from Kali’s friends list and I’ve since been defriended. Ain’t the first time, won’t be the last.

But that’s the beauty of being the boss of your own kids. You get to make the calls, rules, and decisions. They may not always be popular with others, but my motto is, “They’ll be aight.”

I’m afraid, though, that I’ve created quite the Facebook monster. Kali is kinda obsessed with two features: quizzes and Facebook chat. The latter has gotten out of control. She can be sitting across the room when suddenly:

Sometimes, it comes in handy:

And my child has never met a quiz she didn’t like.

What kind of Miley Cyrus song are you?

Who are you more like: Miley Cyrus or Selena Gomez?

Is your name nerdy?

But my favorite:

Needless to say, I can’t stop calling her Butter Nuts.

Question of the Week: 1/21/2010

Why is bacon so awesome?

Follow up questions because SOMEBODY (SOPHIE!) just informed me that this isn’t a real question.

How do you prepare your bacon?

What do you put bacon on?

Have you ever had bacon and chocolate?

Don’t You Hate It When…

… you’re driving through a parking lot, looking for an empty space, and you see someone walking to their car. So, you follow them and follow them and follow them. And then, suddenly, they turn into another aisle because they’re stupid and didn’t remember where they parked.

So now you have to haul ass over to the next aisle, and hope that no one else targets your confused walker. Don’t you hate that?

You make it to the next aisle and the person is getting into their car, and sure enough, there’s another person waiting for the spot with their blinker on.

NO! I saw him first! I followed that moron for MILES!

***

… Again, you’re driving through a parking lot, looking for a spot, when you spot one up ahead. You prepare to swing into the spot only to find it’s occupied by a tiny Mazda Miata. Don’t you hate that? Fuck you, Miata.

Who drives Miatas anyway?!

***

… You rip into a package of food only to realize that it had an easy resealable ziploc? And now you’ve ruined it with a big gapping hole?

***

… You’re driving along minding your business when suddenly you feel the sharp jab of a 10year-old’s knuckles in your spine?

“Punch car buggy no punchbacks, red!”

“Ow! Where?”

“Right there at the light.”

A few minutes later…

*POW*

“Punch car buggy no punchbacks, blue!”

“Where?!”

“You missed it. He turned the corner.”

“I think you’re making shit up.”

“I’m not. You just missed it.”

A few minutes later…

*POW*

“Punch car buggy no punchbacks, Geek Squad!”

“Damnit, Kali! That doesn’t count!”

“Yes it does. It’s a bug.”

***

… You’re on the bowl and discover there’s no toilet tissue… and you’re home alone?

OK. Hit me with some of your own “don’t you hate it when…”

Mommy Monday: Getting To Know You

Your children assume that your life began the moment they were born.

Kali is always shocked to find that I know things.

“Oh my God, Mommy. How do you know this song? I’ve never heard it before.”

“Um, cause it’s from 1982.”

Once, we were headed upstairs with our dinner and I carried both of our plates and glasses.

“You’re really good at that.”

“Well, I used to be a waitress. This is a breeze compared to some of the stuff I carried.”

“You used to be a waitress?!”

“Uh huh. In Texas.”

“You lived in Texas?!”

She asked both as if I’d just confessed to inventing ice cream.

The older she gets, I realize there’s a lot she doesn’t know about me. The other night, while driving home from the library, I dropped another bombshell.

“I have to tell you something.”

*pause*

“I used to be married. To someone else. Before Daddy.”

We’d already had the biological Dad convo a few years ago and I thought I’d save the first husband revelation for a later date.

“You were?!”

“Yes.”

“To who?”

So, I tell her about my first husband – met him when I was 18, married at 22, divorced before you could say, “infidelity abound.”

She leans forward from the backseat and whispers conspiratorially, “Does Daddy know this?”

“Yes!”

“Well, just checking. I mean, I can’t believe he married you knowing you used to be married to someone else.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“He wasn’t married to someone else before.”

“So? He had girlfriends and stuff.”

“That’s different.

The conversation was taking an ugly turn. I thought this revelation might make me seem worldly and mysterious to my daughter. That she would see me as someone other than the woman that worries about bills and drives her to the library and after-school book club. I wanted her to think I was cool. Instead, she kinda made me feel like The Whore of Babylon.

We get in the house and she says, “Are you sure Daddy knows, cause I’m gonna tell him.” And then, just in case I was lying, she proceeds to confirm that Donny did indeed know that he wasn’t my first husband.

Nice to see whose side she’s on now.

“When will you tell Jack?”

“Well, I don’t know now. I’m sure you’ll tell him soon enough, Ms. Judgey McJudgerstein.”

Last night, I thought she’d get a good laugh out of this pic from my 18th birthday:

“Can you believe Grandpa let me wear that out of the house?,” I asked, giggling like a fool. “It was a nightgown, but I wore it as a dress.”

“I can’t believe anyone let you out the house like that!”

It’s odd what impresses her. She’s more in awe of my past in the food service industry than my tales of hob-knobbing with, now, irrelevant celebrities or how damn hot I used to be.

“I mean, why would you wear a nightgown in public? Why not just buy a real dress? I know your birthday is in August, but it couldn’t have been that hot, could it?”

“OK. Go to bed.”

“I don’t have school tomorrow.”

“Go to bed anyway.”

So, how do you handle discussing past relationships/escapades with your children?

Nina’s Book Club: February Selections

I’m going to be reading Almost Moon by Alice Sebold and I’d love it if you guys would join me. I figure announcing it now will give people time to obtain it and since I’m moving at the end of February, I won’t be writing about it till March 1st.

Also, Kali and I have decided on The Name of This Is Secret by Pseudonymous Bosch. You guys are welcome to read/discuss along with us.

Also, while I’m at it, I’ll go ahead and announce the books for March and April.

March - Holler at the Moon by Tinesha Davis

April – Hold Love Strong by Matthew Aaron Goodman

Tinesha is a friend of a friend, well, a friend really, who wrote an amazing book about three sisters who turns out very differently after their mother is murdered.

And my mother-in-law gave me a signed copy of Hold Love Strong for Christmas. The author is the son of one of her clients. I started reading it and had to stop because I knew most of you would dig it and I thought it would be more fun to read it together.

Now that you know in advance and you can plan on when to get the books and read at your leisure. I’m not gonna read them until the start of each month assigned so that the content is fresh. If you’re gonna participate, as you read, think of questions to submit for discussion.

Thanks and happy reading!!

Mommy Monday: You Can’t Make Me!

I am painfully aware that everything I do is allowed only because my children are feeling charitable. Take changing Jack’s diaper for instance. Sometimes he lays there nice and calm and allows me to do what I have to do. Other times, he throws a major fit like his ass is covered in paper cuts and I’m using salt-soaked wipes. During the times that he lays quietly, he kinda eyes me like, “Yeah, that’s right. Make sure you get under that scrotum real good.”

And then I realize I’m his bitch.

With Kali, it’s a different story. And though I’m not one of those “because I said so” parents – I’ll supply a reason for why I’m making her do something or forbidding another – it is expressly understood that once I give my reasoning, she will abide no matter what.

So, I was very firm in my decision to force Kali to participate in a book club at school. Every two weeks they meet after school to discuss a book and practice quizzing each other on it. Next month, they will compete against other schools’ clubs that have read the same books. Personally, my nerdy ass thought it sounded like a lot of fun. Kali? Not so much.

I told myself that this wasn’t the same as parents that suit up their kids to play sports two seconds after they learn to walk without any idea if the child 1. has any desire to play the sport and 2. is any good at it. Hell, Kali’s 10! I know she likes to read.

“I hate to read!,” she yelled recently when I told her that she could not quit the club.

How could any child of mine hate reading? Then I remembered that she was, indeed, my child and therefore prone to exaggeration.

“You like to read!”

“Well,” she said, “I don’t like to read the books in the club. They’re boring.”

She had a point. Of the half dozen books assigned so far, only two have been anything Kali would have chosen on her own. The rest were boring books about dogs on the open range and little Native American girls.

The club isn’t fun for her, but I’m remiss to let her quit. What kind of message is that sending? Or is it okay to encourage quitting something you forced them to do anyway? Am I just as bad as those parents living out their varsity dreams via their offspring?

I think I’ve come up with a solution. I still think reading and discussing books is a good thing. It teaches them to really think about what they’ve read and see things from other perspectives. With that in mind, Kali and I will have our own book club.

We’ll read the same book and discuss it. We’ll come up with a handful of questions each to go over together. Any of you are welcome to join in with your kid of the same age (or close to it.)

So, where should we start? I’m thinking of starting with the Percy Jackson books. Here’s the trailer for the movie based on the first book.

So, suggest some titles for Kali and I. And don’t judge me when I force her to read the Harry Potter series.

Coming Up on Blog It Out, Bitch

I haven’t forgotten you. It’s just that a funny thing happens when you graduate: you kinda have to find a job. Also, a funny thing happens when you have kids: they kinda have to be fed.

Starting next week, I’m back on a regular blogging/writing schedule. What do you have to look forward to? Glad you asked.

Mommy Monday: You Can’t Make Me! – What are the consequences of forcing our kids to participate in activities FOR us?

Blog It Out, Baby: Breastfeeding at 48 Months (Yes, that’s 4!)

Nina’s Top Ten “Don’t You Hate It When…”

Weekly TV recaps of: 24 and Lost and POSSIBLY American Idol (only because Ellen has joined the show.)

Book Club: You can vote now between:

- Holler at the Moon by Tinesha Davis

- Almost Moon by Alice Sebold

- Hold Love Strong by Matthew Aaron Goodman

I eventually want to read/discuss all three, we’re just voting to see which one goes first.

“What about Fluke?!”

I know, I know. I read it, it was great. Not my favorite Christopher Moore book (A Dirty Job holds that title), but it was pretty funny. My favorite part was his explanation as to why his ex-wife was a lesbian – she, her female co-worker, and their boat were mistaken for a whale vagina by two dueling whales penises and subsequently drenched in whale jizz. I kid you not.

Fiction: How Jenna Found Out I Loved Her – a coming of age story with a twist.

And the return of Ask Me Anything plus, I’ll take blog requests.

Hope you’ll stick around. And tell your friends.

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