BIOBaby: Jack’s First Haircut

I folded like a card table. Back in November, I took Jack to get his first haircut.

Two pics of early morning bedhead.

It has since grown back.

Next up: pics of Kali’s first haircut in ten years.

Why I’m Sure I’ll Be Published

I just finished James Patterson’s latest, I, Alex Cross, and I have to say: if someone published that steaming pile of crap, I will one day be published as well.

I’m a get-it-all-out-and-make-it-pretty-later kind of writer. I believe in getting the story out first because it’s the most important thing. Tell the story, and then worry about telling the story better; fix your sentences, choose better words, edit, edit, edit.

As I read I, Alex Cross, I felt like I was reading the get-it-all-out-version that had been accidentally published. What’s with these simple sentences and chapters where absolutely nothing happens, I wondered.

And it wasn’t just the writing. The plot was awful!

The Alex Cross books follow an African-American FBI agent/hostage negotiator/D.C. cop on his attempts to solve some of the country’s most dangerous cases. He lives with his three kids and grandmother. Movies were made based on two of the Cross books – Kiss the Girls and Along Came a Spider. Both starred Morgan Freeman as Cross.

I’ve read all of the books and was very excited when I read the teaser for the latest: A beloved member of the Cross family is murdered.

What?!

I couldn’t believe it. Cross had been the target of serial killers before. Could it be that the latest monster would kill his grandmother or one of his children? Um, no. SPOILER ALERT: the murdered Cross is an adult niece we’ve never even heard of before this book. And if she has been mentioned before, I didn’t remember her so, who the hell cares?I mean, it wasn’t even the niece kidnapped in Kiss the Girls.

Are you serious, Patterson?

But I kept reading. Why? Because I have committment issues and I was curious to see who the serial killer, Zeus, turned out to be. There were hints that the killer had ties to The White House and the book also featured a sex house where the country’s most powerful people went to live out all of their kinkiest desires.

In theory, the story should have been awesome. Instead, it was senseless, boring, and at times, redundant. And don’t even get me started on the ending! SPOILER ALERT: Three pages after we find out who Zeus is, he is shot in the head without having to answer for his crimes or disclose a motive.

Also, how many times will Patterson tease us with his ailing grandmother coming thisclose to dying only to have her miraculously recover at the end? I mean, I’m not saying she’s old, but rumor has it that when Jesus returns, he owes her twenty bucks.

The book did end on a high note: Cross’ archnemesis, Kyle Craig, is back.

Do you read Patterson’s books? What do you make of his writing style and short-short chapters?

***

It’s usually not like me to trash authors. I admire anyone that can get off their ass (or sit on it really) and write a book. I admire anyone that can find the time because I know how hard it is.

This is why I’m super excited to submit an application to attend The Hambidge Center – an artist retreat in the Georgia mountains. One of my journalism professors suggested it to me. She has gone twice and written several chapters of her now published books there.

You have to apply to attend on scholarship for a stay that can last from two to eight weeks. You’ll spend your time there in your own cottage with all the tools and time you need to create. No internet, no TV, no outside distractions like kids, bills, and video games.

HEAVEN!

Check out the studios here.

Cool, huh? Also, creepy, right? It’s like a Stephen King novel waiting to happen, but I still want to go. Donny and I talked about it last night and I’m gonna apply to attend late next year so that he can take a week’s vacation to be home with the kids while I’m gone. I’m going to ask my journalism teacher for a letter of reference, but I still need to ask one other person. Then there’s the task of coming up with writing samples to submit.

Eek! I’m excited and inspired!

How are you?

Mystery Shopping

In October, I went to a website that listed employment opportunities for merchandisers. When I saw that “mystery shopping” was a search option, I decided to give it a shot. I found one company advertising assignments in the Atlanta area and applied. When it got to the part of the application that asked for a reference, I minimized the screen and IMed a friend of mine who also used to be a coworker. I asked if I could use him for a reference and if so, what email address he preferred me to use. It took him a few hours to get back to me, and when he did I thought the company name in his email address sounded awfully familiar. I maximized the screen with the unfinished application and lo and behold, I was applying for the company where my friend already worked. More than that, I had just provided him with a reference a few months prior when he was in consideration for the job!

I knew then that the company was legit and signed up for them and their sister company. After that, I did a search and found the site of a stay-at-home Mom who listed a bunch of legitimate companies in alphabetical order. I signed up at a ton.

Most let you sign up and assign a login and password right away. You can start looking for assignments in your area within minutes. Others take a day or so to approve your application and will send you the login info required to search for work. Some only email available assignments.

Below I’ve listed the companies I’ve worked for over the months. They are all legitimate and I’ve already been paid several times by each of them.I will not disclose the specific names of the companies they represent, but I will tell you the types of companies and the types of assignments you can expect to do. Most pay very little, but I’ll touch on how you can really work to make it all add up to a decent amount of extra income a bit later.

1. CFA – www.certifiedfieldassociate.com

This is my favorite company, and by the far, the one I’ve done the most work for. When you accept an assignment you are expected to update your status to let them know you are ready for your paperwork. Once the paperwork is available, you can see exactly what is required for each assignment. Each job provides you with a letter of authorization to present to store management (unless it’s a covert job.) Sometimes, you’ll receive merchandise at your home and others the items you need may be shipped directly to the store. Either way, you can track the shipping status on the company’s site.

Types of Jobs:

• Covert Assignments - Some assignments require you to go to supermarkets, drug stores, convenience stores, book stores, or fast food restaurants and secretly obtain the prices of items on a list they’ll provide you. If it’s a large list, you may be paid by the hour with the assignment capped at 2-3 hours. If it’s less than 20 items they may pay a flat fee of $8-10 for the job.
• Merchandising – These assignments are usually very simple. I’ve done everything from going to dollar stores and making sure some recalled children’s medicine has been removed from shelves at $8 a store, gone to well-known chain”super stores” to check that a big toy company’s demo displays were working for $8 per store, and installed a display of phone cards and pay-as-you go cell phones in discount stores (pictures below.) The latter was capped at 3hrs and paid $8 an hour. I did two stores with one at a location on my way home from school. Other assignments will call for you to go to warehouse club/big box stores and check that a certain pallet display is up. These are cool because you get paid if they are, and paid a little extra if you have to set the display.
• Trailer Checks – If CFA has assignments in your area, you want to log on every Wednesday morning/afternoon and check to see if they have trailer checks available for Friday. Trailer checks are my favorite. You are paid by the number of screens the movie is playing on. For the first show checks you’ll have to attend the first showing of the day (on each screen) for the assigned movie. Watch the trailers and record the audience’s reaction on the field form. Simple. Evening trailer checks are usually more involved. You’ll have to go record the trailers for each showing between 8-10pm and also record audience reaction to a specific trailer. You’ll usually have to write down the demographics of the audience and how many people are in attendance. These usually pay $8-10 for the first screen and $2-$2.50 for each additional screen.
• Theater Evaluations/Installs – Evaluations call for you to go to a theater and take pictures of certain promotional items like standees, posters, or cups w/ a certain movie advertised on it. For installs, you’ll be asked to track the shipment of a cardboard cut-out (standee) for a particular movie and then go to the theater and put it together. They range from super easy to extremely difficult. Before you accept the assignment you can check the difficulty rating and also whether or not the job requires a partner.

Pay:

CFA pays via check or direct deposit. You are paid 4-6 weeks after completing an assignment. If, like me, you end up doing a bunch of assignments each week, you’ll find yourself getting a direct deposit every 9-10 days. I got my first pay from them 3 weeks after completing my first assignments.

Tips and Tricks:

• For the trailer checks you want to make note early in the week which movies are coming out that upcoming weekend. Write down the showtimes and how many screens it’s on at your nearest theater. This way, you’re not scrambling to decide which assignment to accept when they become available. You don’t want someone else snatching up your job. For big movies that you know will be on multiple screens (New Moon, Avatar, Iron Man 2, etc.) it’s a good idea to know ahead of time which theater is showing it on the most screens. More screens = more money.
• If you read the details of an assignment, decide you want it, and click “accept” only to get a message that they will call you if your assistance is needed, you can call their 1-800 # and choose option 4. This will put you through to the scheduling department. Give them your checker ID (listed under “my information” on the main page) or your social security number and they will usually assign the job to you. MOST of their jobs are automatic self-assigned though.
• All jobs have a specific start/end date. If you have a job that has to be done between January 1st and 3rd and you plan on doing it on the 1st, when you update your status that you have the paperwork it will also ask when you plan on completing the assignment. I would put the 3rd. Even if you do the job on the 1st. But if for some reason you have to postpone last minute and do it on the 2nd, they won’t be sending you reminder emails on the evening of the 1st asking for your report. There’s no penalty for doing your report early, but all reports are due the day you complete an assignment and if your report isn’t in by 8am the day after you told them you’d do a job, they will call/email you.
• Sometimes they will cap the number of assignments you can take for one project. Let’s say they have a job where you have to check on a display in a big box retail chain, and they have 50 available all over the city. They may say that you can’t take more than 5 or so of that assignment. Always take the ones closest to your home – that may be 2 or 3. But then think about if you pass any of those particular stores say, on your way home from work. You may find that you can pick up another 2 thinking that way.
• CFA lists their available assignments with the ones closest to your home listed first. But they are posted “as the crow flies not as the car drives.” In other words, a straight line from your house to the location which we all know, isn’t the way you drive. Keep that in mind when accepting  jobs. If you’re gonna burn more in gas money than the assignment pays, it’s not worth it, however; there are ways around that (more on that in Overall Tips and Tricks below.)

2. Market Force Information – www.applymarketforce.com

They have a referral program which benefits you and me so when you sign up make sure to give me a shout-out please. I’m not sure what they’ll ask for so when you get to that part of the application, just email me at Nina@blogitoutb.com or leave a message here and I will get you what you need. I’m sure we could both use the extra cash so don’t forget!

Types of Jobs:

• Mystery Shops – Most of the mystery shops for this company are fast food restaurants. You’ll have to purchase a specific item(s) for which you will be reimbursed plus paid a small shopper’s fee. Some of them are quite involved. A popular chain requires you to do the drive-thru AND walk-in AND check the bathroom. You also have to have a digital timing device that includes seconds to track how long it took for your order to be taken and received.
• Audits/Evaluations – These are cool assignments. I’ve done them for gas stations and auto shops, but they do them at other kinds of businesses as well. These aren’t covert. You give the management a letter explaining that you’re there to perform an evaluation of their establishment. You’ll have to take digital photos and fill out a form that checks to ensure that the establishment is in compliance with the company’s rules. These can pay anywhere from $12-$27 per job.
• Wireless – These assignments require you to go to a specific cell phone shop and pretend you are interested in new service.

Tips and Tricks:

• The fast food shops don’t pay a lot at all, but if you eat out every day while attending your normal 9-5 job, this is a way to eat for free and make a little change in the process.
• Always, always, keep your receipt/business cards, or whatever your paperwork lists as required proof of completion.
• Market Force doesn’t allow you to take more than four jobs in one day. This is to ensure that you’re not trying to remember too much information and jeopardize the integrity of your reports. Also, you can’t do two fast foods in the same shop period. In other words, you can’t do two lunch shops on the same day. You can, however; do a breakfast shop at one location and a lunch shop at another, and even a dinner at yet another all in the same day.
• Their reports are due online no later than 12 hrs after completing your assignment.

Pay:

Market Force pays via check and direct deposit. They pay on the 15th of every month for the previous month’s assignments. If you opt for direct deposit, you receive your money before the checks are even cut for the ones that didn’t. So far, I’ve gotten my Market Force money direct deposited into my bank account on the 10th of November and December. So, do that if you can.

Market Force offers a Dell employee discount to their secret shoppers.

Also, remember that CFA is the sister company so when you’re dealing with them, they will refer to themselves as Market Force as well. Don’t get confused or think you’re crazy.

3. Confero, Inc.

Confero offers a finder’s fee to me if you live in one of the cities listed at this link, you sign up, and complete a shop. So, if you’re interested in signing up BEFORE you do, let me know so I can refer you.

Click here to see if your city is listed.

Again, leave a message here or send me a private email with your info so I can refer you. Nina@blogitoutb.com

Types of Jobs:

• Mystery shops – I’ve done mystery shops for a local supermarket chain. I’ve also seen some shops for car dealerships and auto stores but none in my area.
• Revealed shops – These are fun. You will go to movie theaters and fast food places to perform a secret shop. Usually to see if the employees are offering a certain promotion. If they are successful or not, you have to reveal yourself to management to tell them how they did. Most times you will be presenting them with prizes if they are successful. This past weekend I saw Precious and The Princess and the Frog because of one of these shops. My ticket is reimbursed as well as the concession stand items AND I made a shopper’s fee.

Pay:

Confero pays via Paypal and they pay on the 25th of the month for the previous month’s assignments.

4. Second To None – Link here.

Types of Jobs:

• Mystery Shops – I’ve done mystery shops of a popular donut chain, video game store, and a few office supply stores.

Pay:

Second to None pays via PayPal on the 15th of the month for the previous month’s assignments

Tips and Tricks:

• You can use Mozilla to search for assignments at their site, but when it’s time to enter your report, it’s best to use Internet Explorer.

5. CRI

CRI also offers a referral fee to the both of us if you sign up and complete an assignment. It’s not a lot, but if you’re gonna sign up and do a job, why not? I have to make the first move so if you’re interested, make sure to email me the email address you plan on using when you sign up. I will sign you up for the referral email so we can both get paid.

Types of Jobs:

• Mystery Shops – I’ve done shops for clothing and home decor stores, gas stations, pizza restaurants apartment complexes, and hardware stores.
• Sign Shops - These are super simple. You have to go to a business as the sun sets and take pics of the outside of the establishment. If there are any lit signs not functioning you need to take a picture. These pay $4-$5.

Pay:

CRI pays via PayPal only. They take a small processing fee from your payment. They also pay quicker than any of the companies I’ve done jobs for. Almost every Monday I get an email from them saying they’ve processed a payment for me that will be in my PayPal account by Friday. Sure enough, on Friday, by the time The View is on, I’ll get an email from PayPal telling me the money is available. They pay 1-2 weeks after you’ve completed an assignment.

I belong to other companies, but these are the ones that I do the most consistent work for. If you’re interested in others, shoot me an email. For instance, I belong to one that does secret shops for a popular steakhouse chain. They reimburse you $30 for your meal and a $10 bonus if you submit your report the same night as your shop. A cool way to get a free meal and POSSIBLY make a little extra if you keep your meal below $40. Also, another company does shops for a popular, yet pricey, restaurant that specializes in cheesecake. They only pay you with $40 gift certificates to the restaurant. You won’t make any cash, but if you’re gonna go anyway, you’ll get paid with cards to eat there again for free or at least $40 cheaper than you’d have normally spent.

***

Overall Tips and Tricks:

• PayPal now offers a debit card. This is helpful for the companies above that only pay via PayPal. I no longer have to wait the two days for the funds to transfer to my bank account now that I have the PayPal debit Mastercard. When a company pays me, I have instant access to the money.
• Keep a spreadsheet! My spreadsheet has a tab for each month’s jobs and tabs for each month’s expenses like printer cartridges. You’ll be printing a lot of paperwork (field forms, letters of authorizations, prize certificates, etc.) For my jobs, my spreadsheet columns breaks down like this:

• Date of assignment – Pretty obvious why that’s first.
• Time – Some assignments have to be performed during certain times like 12-7pm only. You want to be able to see that on your spreadsheet at a glance before going out. Makes planning your day easier.
• Company – This just helps so when I go to get the required paperwork/documents I know if I’m going to CFA, CRI or Market Force’s site.
• Location – The name of my shop: KMart, Taco Bell, Border’s, etc.
• City
• Reimbursement amount – I always put the maximum reimbursement amount here and then change it to what I actually spent when I get home.
• Pay – If it’s a flat rate, I put that. If it pays by the hour, I will change it to what it actually is when I’ve completed the assignment.
• Mileage – You’re an independent contractor and can claim your mileage. If you find yourself doing several jobs at the same location (one company has you merchandising  a toy display at your local Walmart, another has you merchandising the balloons at the same location, while a third has you performing a secret shop of their bakery department) this comes in handy.
• Paid – When I am paid for a job, I put the date that I received the payment.
• Job ID: Each company has a job ID or number for their assignments. This makes referencing it later easier.

• Also, set your spreadsheet to automatically total the money in your reimbursement and pay columns. This tells you, at a glance, what you’re scheduled to make for the month.

• Have access to a good digital camera and scanner. All of the companies require you to submit your reports/receipts online.
• Keep your paperwork! You’ll print out forms for your assignments, but when you get home to do the reports, everything is done online. Don’t throw out the paperwork. Keep it for your records or in case the company later needs to see it. Find a drawer or file in your filing cabinet for all of your paperwork.

But my number one advice is to schedule your ass off. You may sign up with a few of these places and turn up your nose at the pay. I did. But everything in  life is a hustle. And this is no exception.

Here’s what I did: Two days a week I was going 45 mins away to attend class. On those days I’d accept assignments in that part of town and in the areas I passsed on my way home. I was burning the gas anyway to go to school. Why not make a few extra bucks on my way home for doing something as simple as stopping in a Costcos and checking on a display of paper cups? Shoot, if I hit three of them on the way home, that’s $24. Add to that a mystery shop of an Office Depot and a Texaco station and I’ve made $34. Throw in an evaluation of a Jiffy Lube that takes me 20mins to complete and now I’ve made $46. It adds up.

Start thinking about the things you do and places you go on a daily and weekly basis and schedule assignments accordingly. If you go to the next town over twice a week to take your kids to karate or ballet, schedule some stuff in that area that you can do while they’re in class. If you’re going out of town on business or pleasure, you can search for assignments where you’re going to be. Also, take advantage of the fact that you are signed up with several companies. Market Force limits you to four assignments a day, but you can pick up more with Confero. Get it?

Some areas may be too far to go for a $5 job, but if you notice that between all the companies you are signed up with you can go to that same area and pick up five or six jobs and make $30-$50, that ain’t bad. Trust me, it all adds up. In October I made $600. In November, $700. I’ve made close to $400 in December and the month ain’t over yet.

There are a few more tips I could share, but you need to write me for them. If you have any questions before signing up or accepting an assignment, email me.

None of it is glamorous, hell, some of the assignments are in dollar stores that make me itch… but it has been helping to pay the bills and get the laptop my daughter wants for Xmas. And most of it is a lot of fun. Below is the 4-sided gift card/phone card display I set up in two different stores. Took me 2.5-3 hours. It was intimidating at first, but Donny helped me with the first one and if you follow the plan-o-gram, it’s easy. And I made $60.

A Beautiful Bag, Inspiring Book, and Big Words

Yesterday afternoon I left Jack napping on my bed and went to the bathroom. When I came out, there was a box on my bed. My mother had brought in the mail. The box was addressed to me and it was from my friend, Amy. I vaguely remembered that she’d asked for my address awhile ago and I thought maybe she wanted to send us a Christmas card.

That’s a big ass card.

Amy and I met via my blog back when it was slumming on Myspace. On her way home from a cross-country roadtrip a few months ago, she stopped to spend the night at our house. It was the first time we’d met in person. Amy’s good people so I had no reservations about opening up my home to her and her lovely daughter.

When I was pregnant with Jack – before we knew Jack was a boy, I’d picked out the names Isabelle and Jack for the baby. Amy quickly dubbed the fetus, “Jackabelle.” Amy also bought Jack his first baby bath complete with a jacuzzi. More than anything though, Amy has always been one of those people that believed in me as a writer. More importantly, she believes in me as a Mom and a woman capable of doing big things.

Now, because of all this, I assumed the box contained something for the kids for Xmas. And because Jack was sleeping and I was sure the sound of me ripping into the box would wake him, and also because, um, yeah, I didn’t think the box contained anything for me, I was in no rush to open the box.

Donny came home from work about an hour later and found me still sitting next to a sleeping Jack and the box on the floor next to the bed. I’d forgotten it was there.

“What’s that?”

“Something from Amy.”

“What is it?”

“Don’t know. Wasn’t expecting anything. It’s probably something for the kids. You can open it if you do it in the hallway so Jack doesn’t wake up.”

Donny takes the box into the hall and sticks his head back into the bedroom a moment later.

“Nina.”

“What?”

“You don’t want to know what’s in this box.”

“Oh my God. What? Is it good or bad?”

My mind immediately flew to the end of the movie Seven.

Why would Amy send me Gwenyth Paltrow’s head?

Donny reaches behind his back and reveals…

I literally did a double-take. I thought, “Donny is full of shit. He bought me that bag and Amy sent some sugar cookies or something. Or maybe, that’s a cake designed to look like a Coach bag.”

No, it was really a bag. THE bag.

When Amy came to visit she’d just finished getting her business off the ground. Red is the color of choice. Amy has flaming red hair – unruly curls. And the hair inspired her logo and design for her site and business cards. The new Coach bag she’d bought was the perfect bag for her new Mac. More than that, it was the perfect accessory for a woman about to do big things.

I fell in love with that bag. I touched it. I smelled it. I wouldn’t let it go. And though she’d known me for years, it was the first time we’d met and I worried that she might think I was a nut. I assured her that I would not beat her about the head as she slept in my family room and steal her bag. At least, not with my kids in the house. I’m sure she did think I was crazy though. She had no way of knowing that the moment I enter a department store and set my sights on a designer bag with a funky design in a bright color, I gravitate towards it. I rub it. I smell it. I moan. I molest it.

My first thought was, “I can’t accept that bag!” I scrambled to find Amy on Facebook so I could ask her what kind of crack she was smoking. Donny handed me the bag and inside it I found…

Tinesha is an author and good friend of Amy’s. Including Tinesha’s novel, “Holler At The Moon,” said to me that Amy was reminding me, “I believe in you. You can do this too!” Both the bag and book was Amy’s way of saying, “You too will do big things.”

And this blog is my way of saying, thank you.

Donny later said, “You are so lucky.”

No, luck would be walking down the street and tripping over a brand new Coach bag. Blessed is having generous friends that believe in you.

And really, the moral of this story is: I don’t care what the bible says. It’s okay to covet your friends’ shit!

***

One of my assignments is going to a really big store that we have all heard of, once a week, and merchandising a display of helium balloons. I’ll be writing about that next week. It takes about an hour, and while I work, Donny shops. Last night, he and Jack did some shopping while I worked in the back of the store where people come to pick up their internet orders. It’s usually very quiet and I can blow up my balloons and do my paperwork with no interference from employees or customers.

Just as I’d gotten started, an announcement was made that an associate was needed to pick up the line for a Site-to-Store order. A young white girl came from the back and picked up the phone behind the counter where I was standing. Part of my job is to determine which balloons that have been previously placed need to be re-inflated or scrapped. When I decide to scrap one, I pop it with a pen, push out the helium and toss it in the trash.

I’d just popped a balloon for the movie Cars when the girl on the phone turned to me. I thought, at first, that she was going to ask me to keep it down. Instead, she asked if I could get the name of the person on the phone because she had a hard time “listening and writing fast.”

I took the phone and asked the woman to spell her first and last name. She did. It was something really simple like Kate Brown. I could sense a little annoyance and amusement in her voice. I wrote the name on a piece of paper, thanked the lady and handed the phone back to the associate.

A few minutes later she turned to me again, “Can you please write down this new name. I’m not finding it.”

Mind you, I am NOT a store employee. I am a vendor sent to blow up mylar balloons!

“OK, ma’am, can you spell the name for me again?”

She does.

I look up at the computer monitor and see two orders, but neither match the names the woman on the phone had given me. The associate asks, “Did she get an email telling her the order was in?”

‘Ma’am, did you get a confirmation email telling you the internet order arrived at the store?”

“No, but it was supposed to arrive on the 14th.”

“OK. Well, I don’t see it here in the system.”

“Ask her if she has the order number,” the associate instructs.

“Do you have the order number? We can look it up that way.”

“No, not with me.”

“OK, well if you can call back with the order number, we’ll try again. If not, you might want to wait a day or so and see if you get that confirmation email.”

“OK. Thank you.”

I hang up the phone.

“Wow! Your English is so good.”

Is she kidding me?

“What’s that big word you used?”

I start racking my brain, trying to remember what big words I used while talking to the woman on the phone.

“Confirmation?”

“YES! That’s it. I would never use a word like that!”

True story.

Top Ten Reasons I’ll Own You (And Your Moms) In Halo 3

Halo 3 doesn’t get old. It just doesn’t. I can not play that game for months and it’s still as fun as the first time when I start playing again.

Since finishing school last week I’ve been purposely vegging out: I have no desire to do anything important or responsible until after Christmas. Right now, I’m all about playing, writing blogs, watching TV, reading books, and hanging with my family. Hell, I deserve a mental vacation.

Anyway, I’ve been playing  a lot of Halo 3. Every time I tweet about it I get someone asking me questions. “Is it fun?’ “Why do you play it so much?” To which I say, “Hells yeah,” and ” Because I’m awesome.”

Don’t believe me? Allow me to provide video evidence. One of the coolest features of Halo 3 is the ability to go back and watch the films of your most recent 25 online games. You can edit out clips, rewind, fast forward, go in slow motion, move the camera angles, and even watch the game from the point of view of any of your teammates or competitors. We really like doing this when something particularly cool happens in a game and we want to go back and watch it over and over again, making everyone in the house bask in our glory. Unfortunately, Microsoft prevents you from putting the video clips on your thumb drive for sharing, so I had to go old school and use my video cam to record the TV.

Top Ten Reasons I”ll Own You (And Your Moms) In Halo 3

10. I’m Mean w/ a Shotgun - While playing a game of capture the flag, I proceed to stick my shotgun up the asses of the blue team.

9. I’ll Kill You and the Guy You Got Protecting You - In the same game, I kill the guy protecting the guy with our flag and the guy with our flag. (They’re lucky I didn’t kill them with the flag.) Then they come back for more.

8. Sometimes, There Is an “I” in Team – In Capture the Flag, you have to go to the other team’s base, grab their flag, and bring it back to your base to score. You can’t do this if they’ve also managed to grab your flag. It has to be returned before you can score.

In the clip you’re about to see, during the live game, I had Kali and Donny yelling at me, “Oh my God! They have our flag! They’re going to score. Nina, do something because only you can save us” (OK, so maybe not that last part)

So, after I fuck shit up for a bit, I pick up a grav lift (a device tossed on the ground and walked over so it allows you to jump really high), toss it next to the building,  and then simultaneously jump and save the damn day. THEN, I grab the other team’s flag and wait while Kali, Donny, and our other teammate do God’s know what before I can score.

7. I’m Lethal With The Stickies – In Halo 3, a sticky grenade is one that sticks to whatever it touches and then explodes. They are a lot of fun. It’s particularly fun to stick it to someone as they are running at you, and then back up and watch the fireworks. But the best is sticking it on something near the bad guy and watching him die from standing too close.

6. I’m So Good, I Will Kill By Accident - Here, I lob a sticky grenade blindly around a corner. And get the kill.

5. I’m Good With All the Weapons in the Game – including the sword:

4. … And the Needler – The Needler shoots a steady burst of pink exploding needles. You have to get ten needles into the person to kill them.

3. And the rocket launcher…

2. Getting In a Vehicle Won’t Save You – This guy thought getting into a Ghost was going to help. I blew it up. With him in it. And the explosion also killed his friend who was shooting at me while standing a little too close.

And finally, I will own you (and your Moms) in Halo 3 because…

1. I am not above shooting you in the back. That’s how I roll.

***

BONUS:

As juvenile and unsportsmanlike as it is, I love teabagging enemies after I kill them. Teabagging, for you video game newbies, is when you put your crotch area in the face of the dead guy and bounce up and down. It’s suppose to simulate the act of dunking a teabag in cup, but with your testicles.

Here’s what it looks like from my point of view after I kill someone:

And if you’re playing nearby, here’s what the same kill looks like to you:

But now, players have figured out a new way to add shame and degradation to the person they’ve just killed. Below, I demonstrate this after killing a guy:

I’m Baaaack!

I am back amongst the living. Well, the blogging anyway.

You may have been wondering what’s going on and why I’ve forsaken you so. Here’s the scoop:

School

I am officially a college graduate. Well, maybe not an official graduate seeing as how I didn’t (and don’t plan on) participating in any official ceremony and I won’t get the actual paper degree until May 2010 (more on that in a few secs.) But I have completed all the requirements (and then some) for an Associates degree in Journalism/Professional Writing.

Did you know you have to apply to graduate? Yeah, neither did I. And because I’m a master procrastinator, I didn’t apply for graduation until the last day of class (last Tuesday) of my last semester. That’s how I roll. So, I obviously missed the deadline for Fall 2009 graduation, and I’ll have to settle for Spring 2010. No biggie. I won’t be heading to UGA for my Bachelors till Fall 2010.

Family

My kids are super. They’re still cuter, smarter, and more awesome than your kids.

More on the kids in the Mommy Monday/Blog It Out, Baby blogs this week. There’s been haircuts (yes, plural), new words, and a boy/girl dance.

Work

Yes, you read that correctly: it says WORK.

So, these mystery shops/merchandising jobs have been taking up the majority of my time. They don’t pay a whole lot, but like almost everything else in life, it’s a hustle. I’m signed up with over a dozen different companies. On days when I had school, I’d schedule myself for 3-5 assignments in that area of town. Since I was spending gas anyway to go to class, I might as well pick up a few jobs that pay anywhere from $5-$20 a piece. I’ve made $80 just by doing simple jobs on my way home from school. Sometimes it’s doing a secret shop of a fast food place or gas station, other times I’m going to Targets or Walmarts and making sure that a certain company’s toy display is set up correctly.

My favorite assignments have been the revealed secret shops. I’ve gone to some fast food places near my house and ordered a burger only to test if the person will try and upsell me fries and a beverage. If they do, I go inside and present everyone on duty with $10 VISA gift cards. If they don’t, they get a “better luck next time” letter. Another time I had to go to a chain bookstore and see if a sales associate and coffee barista greeted me within five minutes. When they did, I presented them each with $20 gift cards. Not a bad way to earn money for my daughter’s laptop, no?

Diet

I am down yet another jean size. Don’t ask me how. I’ve been half-assing it this semester, and really hoping to get back into the swing of things after the holidays. I guess maybe it’s all this leaving the house I’ve been doing.

Writing

A return to blogging also means a return to querying Sharing Space and working on my next novel, “Tales From the Biosphere.” I have the next eight months to write (and read) for leisure and it feels great!

I have a lot of good blogs and stories coming up so I hope you’ll stick around. So, that’s what’s up with me. What about you?

Hookers and the Stink Eye

Lately, I’ve been complaining that my car smells like ass. We’re a one-car household and Donny takes it to work everyday and I’ll use it for my secret shops and merchandising jobs in the afternoon/evenings.

“Jesus Christ, Donny! Why does this car smell like ass.”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, what are you doing in it?”

“Driving!”

“Driving what? Ass?”

So, one evening we’re all piling into the car to run some errands after Donny had gotten home. Kali is already in the backseat, driver’s side, and Donny is strapping Jack into his carseat in the back passenger side. I open the driver’s side door when I get assaulted by this heavy perfume.

“Mommy, the car doesn’t stink. Daddy did something to it.”

“Yeah, it smells like a hooker. Donny, why does my car smell like a hooker?”

“I picked one up on my way home.”

And Kali busted out laughing, looking at me like, “Well, you asked.”

Note to self: Find out how my daughter knows what a hooker is.

***

Two nights ago, Donny, Jack and I were leaving Walmart when I decided to stop at the McDonald’s near the exit to get Jack some french fries. I had two more errands to run before going home to make dinner, and I wanted something to keep Jack quiet in the car. Of course, there weren’t any fries ready so we had to wait.

I stood off to the side so a lady with two little girls could place her order and Donny walked off to get a Coke from the serve-yourself fountain. The two little girls walked by me to toss something in the trash and then went back to stand next to their Mom. The oldest looked to be about 8 and the other 3 or 4. The oldest starts talking to the Mom and I notice that the youngest is staring at me. Like, really staring at me. Like, really, really staring at me.

And not just any stare. Not like a creepy-little-kid-from-a-horror movie stare or a special-needs stare. Not even like a I’m-a-rude-lil-bastard-with-no-home-training stare.

This little girl was looking at me like she hated me. Like she didn’t want anything to do with me, and furthermore, like it both confused and disgusted her that I was allowed to walk amongst other people.

This little girl was giving me the stinkest of stink eyes.

At first I ignored it. I’d look away and then look back a few seconds later to find her still staring. Then, thinking maybe she was looking past me, I checked over my shoulder, but no one was there. Finally, I couldn’t take it.

“What?” I asked with a smile.

Nothing.

I looked at her mother who was still busy talking to the other girl.

“Awww, come on! What?!”

Nothing.

Donny returns with his drink and Jack.

“Donny, look how that little girl is looking at me.”

Donny looks and nearly chokes on his Coke. At this point, we’re both cracking up with tears running down our faces.

“Oh my God! She won’t stop, Donny!”

“She’s looking at you like, ‘Bitch, you ain’t shit.’”

And she was!

Now that I examine the photo again, it seems her sister wasn’t too fond of me either.

Happy Friday!