Battlestar Galactica: The Plan

BSG: The Plan is a two-hour movie that tells the saga of Battlestar Galactica from the point of view of the Cylons. We were told for years that they had a plan, but there has been massive speculation as to what that plan was. BSG:TP lays it all out for us as we follow two Cylons (two Cavils) during the months after the Cylon attack.

F. Cavil, who we first saw during the series counciling a grieving Tyrol, lived amongst the colonial fleet and C. Cavil lived on Cylon-occupied Caprica with the resistance fighters.

Going into BSG: TP we know this: The final five Cylons were technically among the first. They were descendants of the Cylons (skinjobs) that left for Earth when they split from the 12 colonies of humans that left Kobol. The Cylons on Earth made Centurions that evolved and turned on them. The Five perfected resurrection and used that technology to escape once the Centurions waged war against the Earth Cylons. They traveled 2,000 to stop the 12 colonies from making the same mistake, but they were too late. The colonists had already made their own Centurions who’d also evolved and rebelled. The Five convinced the Centurions Cylons to stop the war in exchange for their knowledge of resurrection.

They created 13 models of Cylons that looked human – just as they did. The Cavil model grew jealous of one model and killed the whole line. He then killed The Five and programmed their resurrected selves to believe they were human. He placed them amongst the humans where they lived for years. They then continued to crank out hundreds of copies of the other models, none of which knew their true origin or the identities of the Five. They plotted revenge on the humans and launched a sneak nuclear attack against the colonies.

Their plan was simple: kill all of the humans. They didn’t count on a band of resourceful resistance fighters on Caprica and they damn sure didn’t count on close to 50,000 survivors led by the lone battlestar to survive the attacks: Galactica.

As BSG: TP opens we learn that Cavil thought the final five would die in the attacks and resurrect aboard a Cylon baseship filled with gratitude. He thought their time as humans would make them see the light: humans are greedy, selfish, and undeserving of their love. They should be annihilated. Of course, it didn’t work out that way. Each of the five survived the attack. That, and the fact that some Cylons are starting to doubt that they’re doing the right thing, leads to all kinds of changes in “the plan.”

What makes BSG: TP so damn awesome, and it is truly awesome, is the little nods to history and the answers to questions big and small. Like:

• In the miniseries, after Caprica Six parts with Gaius in the courtyard, she hands off a case to someone we never see. “It’s about time you got here.” That person was Cavil.
• When Ellen Tigh is found she says that “a mysterious stranger” rescued her. We see in BSG: TP that during the attack she was in a bar with Cavil who introduced himself as “a mysterious stranger.”
• The Cylon base stars are shaped as they are because they were designed to turn so that their points line up.
• Baltar is the one who slips the note to Adama revealing that there were 12 Cylon models.
• F. Cavil orchestrated the attempt to discredit Baltar’s Cylon Detector by instructioning the Shelly Six to show up with the doctored video.

• The Leoben fascination with Starbuck – we see where it begins and how he came to believe that she had a destiny.
• Boomer had conscious conversations with F. Cavil where they plotted the sabatoge of Galactica like ruining the water supply.

There are some new tidbits as well:

• There was a Simon model living on Gemenon. He was married with a child. There was also a Simon model living with the resistance fighters on Cylon-occupied Caprica.
• Tori survived the attack because she was headed to the airport and some surviving flights acted as rescue flights and helped nearby people off the planet.
• F. Cavil used religious phamplets to reach out to the still-undiscovered Cylons living amongst the fleet.
• There was a copy of every Cylon model living in the fleet.

What really works is the contrast between the two Cavils and two new Simons not seen during the series. The Cavil living with the fleet remains hell-bent on the destruction of man and the one with the resistance fighters begins to have doubts. There’s a Simon living with the fleet too. He’s married with a stepdaughter and wants to continue living as human, but F. Cavil wont hear of it. Meanwhile, the Simon on Cylon-occupied revels in destorying man (and performing experiments on the female-survivors) and doesn’t get the change of heart of the C. Cavil. We get to see how the plan had to be changed and improvised as Cylon agents screwed up sabotage attempts or Galactica just proved to be too formidable.

The movie also does a good job of providing insight into the Cylon psychology. For instance, I found it interesting that though they knew they would download and ressurect, most Cylons were still apprehensive about experiencing “death.” And Cavil’s obsession with gaining the approval of his “parents” (The Final Five) is fascinating. You see it the whole time he’s living with the unsuspecting Anders on Cylon-occupied Caprica.

Fans of the show, diehard fans anyway, will recognize how old scenes have been reimagined with new footage and perspectives.

I honestly could have seen this go on for hours, but The Plan stops just as the two Cavils are reunited (and outed/airlocked) aboard Galactica. Of course, we know the story from there.

If you’ve been trying to ease the dull ache left by BSG’s ending this movie may help… somewhat. The opening scene with that haunting score by the awesome Bear McCreary made me both happy and sad. During the commentary Jane Espenson (writer) mentioned that there was originally going to be three post-finale movies, but they decided on one. Such a shame. But this one gets the job done. It answers questions you didn’t even know you had and it gives us one last glimpse into that wonderful BSG mythology we miss so much.

TCTBTF: This Is The Remix

OK. I’m not playing. You people better help me. You better be involved and accountable. I want tips, recipes, and motivational tools. I want participation! If you guys slack on me, I will never, ever, ever, speak to you again. I mean it!

The first order of business is to vote on whether or not we’re gonna be disclosing sizes and weights. I’m torn. On the one hand, I think it might prove to be helpful if we’re open and honest (at the very least it will shame us into action) about our numbers. On the other hand, who the hell wants the whole internet knowing what a fatty they are? I sure don’t. Also, the numbers may prove to be a distraction in the beginning.

Here’s my vote: I think everyone should mark their weight, measurements and garmet sizes down starting Sunday morning. For the first few weeks, let’s just focus on changing habits one at a time. For the first month, each week, we’ll set a goal and incorporate it into our lifestyles. Like, your first week you may decide to concentrate on cutting out soda. Week two you may decide to incorporate a walk every day. Week three? Cutting your carbs.

Each Sunday we can share how we did meeting that goal and announce our new one. We won’t be replacing the goals, but adding them. After two weeks you’ll have made two changes, three changes after three weeks, etc. Also, everyone will be responsible for sharing one tip, piece of encouragement OR healthy recipe each week.

We’ll begin this Sunday, November 1st. So eat all the halloween candy you’re gonna the night before. Also, if you’re like us and do your grocery shopping on the weekend, you can do your shopping for the first week on Saturday so you’ll wake up with the right ingredients in your house on Sunday and not be tempted to hit up IHOP or Dunkin’ Donuts.

That said, we will not berate each other for slip-ups and since we’re taking it slow (remember, you didn’t gain the weight in a week so you won’t lose it in one week either) you should make your goals realistic. If your first week’s goal is just to take a walk everyday, so be it. Don’t beat yourself up if you miss a day. You took more walks than you did last week.

Hmm, my first week’s goal will be… no soda. At all. I’m a soda fiend and I need to stop. And not just no soda, but I need to drink more water. In addition, I’m going to incorporate my normal changes when I get serious: limit carbs, sugar, fried foods, more fish and veggies, etc., but my main goal for the week is to eliminate the soda.

What about you? What’s your week one goal?

If you follow me on Twitter, feel free to tweet during the week if you need a motivational push or just to vent on how its going.  I’m neenerspb. Leave your Twitter name here so we can all follow you and let’s make sure to hashtag all of our tweets with #TCTBTF

No One Is Happy Being Fat

In the several years that I’ve been blogging, I’ve pissed off and offended many people. I’ve pissed off my sister, friends, and fellow bloggers. My father was in for a bit of an uncomfortable shock when he stumbled upon my blog heralding the joys of oral sex. Hey, everyone is forewarned!

Then there was the time I pissed off the Christians by saying how creepy I found it when random ones would approach me in parking lots asking if I had given any consideration to where I’d spend eternity. Um, not recently, but I am considering giving you a snoutful of this mace in my purse. After that, I pissed of an Asian girl when I wrote an open letter to all the Asian girls on my campus. Listen, it’s not my fault they all dress like they’re going to the club instead of class.

Along the way there have been countless more, I’m sure – white people when I talk about white boys going white boy crazy, Floridians when I say it’s the child molester capital of the world, black people when I wonder why they can’t ever get their ass to a movie on time and then shut the fuck up while it’s on, Republicans simply for being douchebags, etc., etc.

Today, I’m gonna piss off fat people.

(Writer’s Note: It is truly not my intention to piss anyone off. I just like to say that I am. It keeps you reading. This is meant to be equal part humor, self-deprecation, and motivation. This is for all the people who complain about their weight, yet won’t do anything about it – at least not consistently. And I’m throwing stones at my glass walls. If you are fat/overweight (whatever word you like) and happy with yourself, then do you, boo. Do you.)

Being fat sucks. Anyone who is fat and says they are happy are lying. No one is happy being fat. Sure, you can be fat and have a great job. You can be fat and married to the man/woman of your dreams. You can be fat and have the most wonderful kids and the most fabulous friends. You can be fat and go on the most luxurious of vacations every year. You can be fat and drive a nice car, screw a hot girl, and wear the most expensive clothes. And all of those things may make you happy, but you are not happy being fat.

And if you say you are, you’re a big fat liar.

I don’t care what else is going on in your life, if someone told you that you could swallow one pill and get rid of that FUPA or stop having your muffin top muffining over the top of your jeans, you’d swallow that bitch before they could offer you a glass of water.

I am overweight. Yes, most of you are thinking, “It’s okay. You just had a baby.” Well, yeah, but that doesn’t make me any less overweight. Today I told a friend (who is a self-proclaimed “fattie”) that I lost six pounds since last week and recently discovered that I not only fit into a pair of pre-pregnancy jeans, but they are falling off! Instead of being happy for me, she informed that I am not fat. I am a fat faker. Apparently, I am faking the fat funk. She told me that I can no longer use the word fat as it would be considered offensive since I do not belong to the fat club.

OK, sure, I’m not obese or anything, but I am not comfortable. And I knew this would happen. For whatever reason, I turn into a beast when I’m pregnant. I just do. It’s all la la la until the third trimester and then my footsteps on the second floor have Donny casting wary glances at the ceiling and wondering if the flat screen one the first floor is mounted to the wall securely.

When you are fat.. I mean, overweight, it is always there. When you’re playing on the floor with your kids, the fat is crouched in the corner, a reminder that you’d be able to play more and without losing your breath if you’d just lose 20lbs. When you’re typing away on the laptop, the fat reminds you that a year ago the laptop rested on smaller, firmer, thighs. When you walk into your closet the fat reminds you that there’s a whole wardrobe you can no longer fit.

I have felt all of those things and it sucks. And if I feel that, if I know the dread that comes with being invited out, but turning down the invitation because you can’t wear your nice clothes and can’t bear to buy something new in your new fat size, then I’m sure people who are fat/obese are downright miserable.

I used to get so mad watching Star Jones on The View. She’d always make remarks about how confident she was with this “big is beautiful/more to love” bravado. The whole time though, she’s breathing heavily and coughing up powdered sugar. If you’re out of breath from talking while sitting, something ain’t right. I thought the message she was putting out was a dangerous one. I believe in personal responsibility, but I wondered how many women with weight problems were watching and let that pump them up or allow them to lie to themselves. Now, after surgery, she admits that her health was in danger and she was unhappy. No shit.

It sucks when you let the fat stop you from living your life. Let me tell you a story: A few years ago I had discovered Myspace after one of the best seasons of Big Brother (one of my favorite reality shows.) One night, I was looking for friends on the site when I remembered reading that one of the stars of that last season, James R., had been discovered for the show from his Myspace page. I looked him up and sent him a friend request. I knew nothing about Myspace and how it worked. Then I started blogging and building a small audience. One of the first people not related to me to leave a comment on a blog was James. We became friends. A short while later, his girlfriend at the time called to invite me to a surprise dinner party for James. My first thought was that I wouldn’t go because I wasn’t happy with my weight.

I should point out now that:

1. James is hot.

2. No matter how much I love my husband, I will always be one of those women who likes looking her best when in the presence of a good looking man. It doesn’t mean that I love my husband any less or will be any less faithful. But if given a choice, I will always choose NOT to look a hot ass mess around hot guys. And if one of those hot guys should be so bold as to smile and tell me how great I look, I will smile, blush, and get all atwitter at the compliment. It’s how I roll.

I got over my stupid issues, went to the birthday party, and had a great time. I was looking at pics from that night the other day and thought, “What the hell was I smoking?” I would kick a puppy down a flight of stairs to look like that now! Now? Sheeit. Now, James could be pounding on my front door, battered and bruised with a homicidal maniac hot on his ass, and I wouldn’t let him in till I lost 20lbs. I’m just saying.

I have delayed meeting up with an old friend I recently found on Facebook because of baby weight. I have dreaded visits from out-of-town internet friends because of this baby weight. I have turned down invitations for Donny and I to go out to dinner with friends. I have avoided going to my husband’s job because I’m so annoyed with myself and this weight.

And if I’m “not that fat” and I’m living like this, I can only imagine what truly overweight people are feeling and how much life they’re not living. (For the record, I consider myself truly overweight. Being 5’11 only gives you but so much in the way of camouflage.)

There are a bunch of reasons why people can’t/won’t lose weight. Some of it’s medical. Some of it’s just poor lifestyle choices. In my case, there’s this vicious cycle going on. I know how to lose weight. When I focus and get into it, not only do I lose weight quickly, I enjoy it! And because I know I can do it, it’s easier to procrastinate getting started. It’s convenient to say, “I know I can lose 20lbs in three months so who is it going to hurt if I start next week over this one?” The problem is next week turns into the week after and then the week after that.

Who knows? Maybe I have it all wrong. Maybe there are people out there quite loving their flabby bellies and back fat. Maybe there are people out there who, for whatever reason, have just decided to ride the fat thing out. But for those that aren’t happy, for those that can go days with feeling fine until they have to try on a piece of clothing that no longer fits or run into an ex, I hope they/we do something about it. I think we need to make those unhappy moments the rule and not the exception. We need to remember how much we hate it when deciding between fast food and a home cooked meal. We need to remember how much we hate it when we decide to take the elevator over the stairs.

We need to make the decision to be happy and healthy.

***

So, I just had a convo with my friend who is now calling me a fat faker and she feels as if I’m coming off as attacking fat people. Granted, she hasn’t yet read the blog as I type this and this is based on our IM conversation about the blog.

Let me be clear:

• I understand that I am approaching the weight thing from a totally different perspective than someone who has been overweight for many years or their whole life.
• I understand that it is possible to gain weight and like it. Been there. Done that. Rocked the t-shirt. I was a rail before I got pregnant with Kali. I still have clothes from that time and I wouldn’t want to be that skinny again. I liked my post-Kali body once I got it in order. Finally, no more white girl butt! The problem became when I gained 30lbs after that and only lost 20 of that 30 before getting pregnant with Jack. This weight, I’m not happy with.
• Anyone that has been reading me for awhile knows that I don’t make broad generalizations. Of course there are happy fat people. And I’m sure there are people who are happy who happen to be fat and happy WITH THE FAT. I may not understand it, but I’m sure it exists. And come on, would you click on a blog titled, “I’m Sure There Are Fat People Who Like Being Fat, But I’m Not One Of ‘Em. No Offense To You If You’re a Happy Fatty?” I think not.
• I do think people make excuses and I think that making excuses is always easier than putting in the work. Not all overweight people, but some. Definitely people like me. It’s easy to say that eating something that tastes good but is bad for you makes you happy. It’s hard to say that maybe you shouldn’t be eating it right now or that the portion is too big.
• I always say that bad things can happen to good people who are where they’re supposed to be and doing what they’re supposed to be doing. You can be in great shape and get cancer. Knowing that, why take the chance on getting heart disease or diabetes because you can’t control your eating habits?
• My children didn’t ask to be here and I owe it to them to not die at 40 because Mommy couldn’t stop stuffing her face with bad foods.
• If you are overweight and happy with it, I’d like to hear from you.

If you are happy being fat, good for you. For me…

BIOBaby: Still Not Getting a Haircut

I will not be Delilah to Sampson. I know, I know. His hair is long. It’s curly. Everyone thinks you should cut a boy’s hair at one. Well, I don’t do what everybody else does. Everyone knows that!

I love Jack’s hair. It’s so… so… Jack!

He has years and years of haircuts ahead of him. He can be a baby a little longer. If I’m not in a rush, no one else should be.

OK, I have a confession to make: the other day he was in the bathroom while Kali took a shower and I looked over to the master bathroom and thought, “That boy needs a haircut!” It’s because the room was all steamy and his hair had kinda poofed out into a fro.

End of Week Thoughts 10-16-09

You know we gotta talk about Balloon Boy.

What. the. shit.

Yesterday afternoon I heard my mother and Kali gasping and squealing from the other room. They were shouting something about a boy in a bubble. I thought they were watching that John Travolta movie, but didn’t remember it being that exciting. Like everyone else, I watched with a mixture of fear and sadness. Any second I expected that balloon to smash into the side of an overpass Wild E. Coyote-style.

When the balloon finally landed and it turned out the boy wasn’t in it, I turned to Donny and said, “The parents made up the whole thing because they killed him.”

“Why would they do that?”

“Um, cause they went white boy crazy!”

We now know the kid, Falcon Heene, was not only never in the balloon, but he was hiding in a box in the garage the whole time. The media is taking a pounding for the constant coverage and America feels stupid. The family was interviewed on CNN last night and when Falcon was asked why he didn’t come out of hiding when he heard searchers calling his name, he replied, “You said… we were doing it for the show.”

Busted.

It became apparent to anyone watching with half a brain that the family was full of shit. All of the neighbors that were interviewed say that though the family is weird, they don’t believe it was a stunt. As I type this, a reporter is broadcasting from outside their home and some loon is running back and forth behind him yelling stuff. I think the whole area is full of crazies.

The family now claims that after he was discovered in the garage’s attic, some news person had asked the boy to recreate how he hid and that’s what he was referring to when he said it was for the show. Uh-huh.

I still think the whole family is full of shit. And if they’re not, then they need to stop putting the douchey-Dad with his fake tears on camera because he comes off as a liar and bad actor to boot. I’m just sayin’.

AND, if it wasn’t a hoax, little Falcon and the brother that claimed he was in the balloon both need a beatdown. Either way, I don’t appreciate them playing with my emotions.

***

You know what’s annoying? People who look at you while they’re driving and talking. I hate that. My ex used to do that. He’d drive and constantly look at me while he was talking. Hey, pay attention to the road! I’m not gonna make any weird facial expressions. You’re not gonna be tested on this conversation later and have to remember what I was wearing and how I looked. Just drive!

As I was coming home from school I was driving behind a guy that was doing that. He was running his mouth and constantly glancing at the person in the passenger seat. His little car was weaving all over the place. I was kinda wanting him to crash into a mailbox.

If you ever ride with me, don’t worry. I don’t do that. I don’t need to know what your face looks like while we’re talking. I need to know if the guy in front of me remembered to fix his break lights. I need to know if the person next to me signals before coming into my lane. I need to know if the car three cars in front of me suddenly slams on his breaks. I need to know if that light is red. All things I can only find out by paying a-fucking-ttention to the road.

***

I have two more fast food shops and then I’m done. Not accepting anymore of those assignments. I will start my new clean-living diet in earnest on Monday. New TCTBTF blog on the following Friday. Also, Fluke blog this weekend. I just haven’t had the time to sit down and write out my thoughts.

Oh, you guys have to check out Fogo De Chao. It’s a restaurant here in Atlanta (they are nationwide.) Donny and I had lunch there this week as research for an article I’m writing. Good Lord. It was expensive, but sooo damn good. Nice to see how the other half live for a few hours.

They served this limeade with condensed milk that was so yummy. I’m gonna try to make it the next time we have people over.  Anyway, check out the dining experience video on their website and consider one near you the next time you’re gonna dine out for a special occasion.

So, how was your week? What did you think of Balloon Boy and what are your plans for the weekend?

Me? I’m going out to do trailer checks this morning (I love being paid to watch movie trailers), and we’re going to the movies tonight (being paid for that too.) Tomorrow I’m gonna write all day and do some work for Obi Wan. Also, lots of TiVo clearing and Stargate SG1 and Atlantis to watch. Sunday is bum day: laundry and lounging.

Dexter – S4E3 – Blinded By The Light

Previously on Dexter: Dexter’s newborn baby boy is cutting into his sleep and killing time. When a murderer walks due to his sleep-deprived courtroom screw-up, Dexter decides taking care of him will solve one of his problems. Lt. Laguerta and Batista carry on a secret affair. A new serial killer (John Lithgow) called The Trinity Killer is in town, recreating his decades-old crimes one after the other.

Agent Lundy returns to town and seeks Dexter’s help in catching the Trinity Killer. Falling asleep at the wheel, Dexter crashes his car with the remains of his latest victim in the trunk.

Due to his head injury, Dexter can’t remember where he hid his latest victim’s body before the crash. Lundy reaches out to Deborah, who thinks he wants to rekindle their relationship. She feels like a fool when she realizes he just wants her help with the  Trinity Killer, who, by the way, has already started stalking his next victim.

And now…

Rita corners Dexter at a neighborhood BBQ – she’s upset that he lied about the seriousness of his accident. She can be so annoying.

Dexter and his new neighbors discuss starting a watch group to catch a neighborhood vandal. Dexter muses that he’s used to working alone to catch the bad guys.

That night, TK (Trinity Killer) makes the lady he’s been stalking drive to a building near the docks. He takes her a top floor and makes her jump.

Anton tells Deborah he has a local gig that will keep him home every day. She doesn’t look thrilled.

Dexter finds the fresh hell of being driven to work every day by Rita who won’t let him stop for a second cup of coffee. See, she’s annoying.

Quinn gives Dexter Miami Dolphins tickets – he knows that Dexter saw him pocket money from a crime scene. Dexter gives the tickets to Masouka.

At the latest TK crime scene, Lundy shows up and admits to Deborah that he’s happy the TK chose Miami – he got to see her again. She’s all atwitter.

Dexter is put off at the neighborhood watch meeting when he realizes that the neighbors will be watching his comings and goings. This puts a serious cramp in his serial killing. He suspects the neighbor’s teenage boy, Andy, as being the vandal. He realizes he needs to out him soon in order to disband the group and ensure his ability to come and go as he pleases. He lifts the boy’s prints from a soda can and matches it to the prints of the person who grafittied his gate.

Anton notices a change in Deborah’s behavior when she has a lunch/meeting with Lundy. She’s still atwitter.

LaGuerta and Batista are shot at by the suspect couple in the vacation killings.

Dexter, pretending to be on neighborhood watch duty, decides to put the fear of God in Andy. Before he can make his move, the neighborhood watch group chase him.

“It’s watch and report, assholes. Not watch and chase. This is so humiliating.”

Dexter has to flee from the makeshift cops with flashlight headbands and whistles. Hilarious.

Masouka tries to sell the Dolphins tickets to Deborah and Quinn while they’re performing a dummy drop at the latest TK scene. Quinn is pissed that Dexter gave away his bribe.

LaGuerta and Batista have to get their stories straight about the shooting. They left the office at noon and didn’t get to the scene where they were shot at until after 3pm. They decide to come up with a lunch/flat tire story to hide their afternoon delight.

Dexter tries, once again, to convince Quinn that he doesn’t give a shit if Quinn is dirty. Quinn tells Dexter he wouldn’t understand what it’s like to be a cop.

Deborah and Dexter have a heart-to-heart. They’re both feeling crowded at home. Neither believe that the jumper at the TK scene was a suicide.

Dexter has to have a talk with Aster who is all moody-tween. He is always embarrassing her in front of Andy who she is obviously crushing on.

I think I liked Rita and her kids better when they were just the white trash family Dexter was spending time with to seem normal.

Deborah lies to Anton about working late when she’s really meeting Lundy for drinks to discuss TK.

Dexter hears the vandal hard at work and decides to hide in Andy’s room to scare his ass when he returns. But Andy’s in his room. Dexter sees it’s the Dad that’s been doing the vandalizing. He shines his headband light into the Dad’s eyes as he corners him in the basement. He tells him he needs to stop what he’s doing or he will come back and leave with the man’s head in a bag… and he already has the bag.

The Dad jumps bad and Dexter beats him down. He’s miserable because he lost his wife and the bank is going to take his house. Dexter is like, “You gonna lose more than that if you keep it up.” The Dad finally agrees to stop.

On his way home, he triggers his neighbor’s security lights and takes them out with a rake… and he’s busted by Rita.

The Amazing Race 15 – “Sean Penn Cambodia Here We Come”

Previously on The Amazing Race: In a bold new move, a team is eliminated before leaving the country… before leaving the parking lot! In Tokyo, the professional poker player hoochies came in last, but were saved because it was a non-elimination round.Garrret and Jessica are eliminated (you know, they are the standard, “we don’t know if we’re meant to be together couple, but the race is going to help us figure that out” couple. I guess that means no.

In Vietnam, the teams tame water dragons and push cement animals through the busy streets. It comes down to a root race between The Harlem Globetrotters and Meghan and Cheyne. The basketball players come in first. Marcie and Ron, the older couple that met on the internet came in last.

And now…

The Globetrotters are the first team to take off. They’re headed to Cambodia. Jesus. I bet they’re the tallest people the Cambodians have ever seen. I want to root for Team Jungle Fever, but the wife is annoying.

Anyway, at the airport the teams quickly realize that there are no flights leaving that night so everyone will have a chance to catch up.

Some teams make it on the first flight out to Cambodia (12:25pm), but Zev and Justin and Lance and Keri don’t and have to go standby. The next flight doesn’t leave till after 2pm. I hope Z. and J. make it. I can’t stand Lance and Keri. Unfortunately,both teams make the flight.

Once in Cambodia, they all rush to catch cabs to the Foreign Correspondence Club. I’m amazed the Globetrotters can fit in the taxis.

Once in the club, they have to whisper to the assignment editor and ask for their next assignment. Then, they have find the Hotel Royal and the suite named after Jackie Kennedy. Half the teams didn’t even realize they were holding a picture of J.Kennedy. One team thought it was Queen Elizabeth, another thought it was a Cambodian woman.

Dumb Americans.

Team Jungle Fever and one other team get taken to the wrong hotel. Everyone else gets it right.

With the detour, most teams choose to pick a scarf from the Russian Market and find a woman in the crowd wearing the same scarf.

The next task has one team member learning to act like a monkey and performing three monkey manuevers. I can’t believe they’re gonna make the brothas do this

When the Globetrotters spot their woman with the scarf, she took off running! See! She saw them big-ass brothas coming towards her and broke out.

When it’s Zav and Justin’s turn to do the monkey manuevers, the one w/ Asperger’s damn near has a monkey-meltdown.

Lance and Keri chose the opposite task of trying to sell motor scooter helmets. They struggle, but finally manage to sell all the helmets for the target amount ($10), – an amount one of the poker hoochies assumed would be too much for poor Cambodians.

Zev and Justin come in first. Sam and Dan, second. The Globetrotters came in third. Then, Zev and Justin realize that they don’t have their passports. Phil tells them that if they don’t find them, they’ll be out of the race.

That’s fucked up, yo.

Phil suggests that they thoroughly check their backpacks (duh) and they find one, but not that the other. They have to backtrack their steps and if they don’t find the other one before the last team checks in, they’re eliminated.

They call the cabbie that took them around that whole day and he agrees to return and help them retrace their steps.

The poker hoochies are the last team to check in, but they are saved because Zev and Justin haven’t returned with their missing passport.

Shower Power

Back in April, I wrote about Kali’s reluctance to bathe. It wasn’t that she liked being dirty and/or smelly, she just had better things to do. She refused to slow down long enough to bathe because she would miss something happening downstairs, on TV, or outside the window. Why slow down to bathe when there were shows to watch, books to read, and video games to play? In short, she had shit to do.

But then Jack came along, outgrew his baby tub (sorry, Amy), and he became fascinated with standing by the side of the tub in the master bathroom as Kali was forced to take her nightly bath. Well, what really fascinated him was tossing objects in the tub, laughing as his sister squealed and ducked flying dirty underwear, toothpaste tubes, and hand towels, before Donny or I would drag him out of there. When he started stripping off his diaper and trying to climb in the tub with her, we realized we could kill several dirty birds with one stone – if we let him in the tub with Kali they’d both bathe, we’d get at least fifteen minutes of quiet time, and Kali wouldn’t get beaned with toilet paper rolls. Win/win/win. What we didn’t count on was Jack now tossing everything IN the tub out, and getting the floor soaking wet in the process.

Kali, sick of cleaning up after her brother and the responsibility of cleaning the tub before and after bathing, decided that she was finally ready to take her first shower. I helped her prepare by showing her how to adjust the temperature and stream of the water. I showed her how I usually draped my towel over the door so it’s ready when I’m done and told her where she could hang her loofah after she bathed. And, we were off…

Her first shower lasted 15 minutes, the second lasted 20. We are now at the point where I have to go looking for her to make sure she hasn’t drowned.

“Oh, Mommy! It’s so awesome! When you turn your back to the water it feels soooo good!”

I have created a monster. Albeit a very clean one, but a monster all the same. A monster that apparently doesn’t understand water bills or the concept of “using up all the hot water.” I find myself having to time my own showers around her schedule for, you see, she likes using my shower because it has a cool frosted door and resembles something out of an amusment park. Her own shower, by comparison, was too old school with its plastic shower liner and blue cloth curtain. Don’t ask me how one who just discovered the joys of a hot shower can be so damn picky.

But, I guess, I shouldn’t complain. My child finally, without having to be bribed or harassed, regularly, and enthusiastically washes her ass.

A Little Something Something

Just so you all don’t think I’m dead…

I’ve been super busy with school, house stuff, and… *gasp* working. Well, not really working, but a little something something to put a few extra bucks in the bank account. I am technically an independent contractor conducting covert consumer transactions at various dining establishments and cinemas. You figure it out.

Then there’s school and writing. I’m still querying Sharing Space and writing my next novel, “Tales From the Biosphere.”

It’s not like I don’t have stories to tell, because I do! I just need the time to sit down and blog them. So, I promise, by Monday I will be all caught up on blogs.

What you have to look forward to:

• TV blogs: Dexter, Glee, The Amazing Race, Survivor, Flash Forward and Stargate Universe
• Mommy Monday: Kali has learned about puberty AND rednecks!
• BIOBaby: Jack has learned a new word, can now go down the stairs like a pro, and is still haircut free. Also, he’s still the cutest thing EVER. I’m not just saying that either. I mean, he really is a good looking kid. I’d say that even if he weren’t mine.
• BIOBitch: Donny starts a new position and we prepare for the most minimalist Christmas ever.
• End of Week Thoughts: By next weekend I’m sure I’ll have more, but currently I can’t get over the stupid media coverage of the Letterman extortion case and GOPers who were so down on the stimulus package now begging for some it. Also, I find it hysterical (well, not really) that when Republicans complain about this country or the President it’s them exercising their right to free speech all in the name of liberty and they damn-near masturbate with the flag, but if anyone else does it, they’re un-patriotic terrorist sympathizers that hate America.
• TCTBTF returns: I swear to God, if you people don’t stay on my ass I will blame its giant size on you!
• Fiction: A short story, posted in parts, called, “How Jenny Found Out I Loved Her.”
• Book Club: Blog about Fluke will be posted on Sunday. We can pick a new book next week.

Ok, I gotta run. Jack is going down the stairs unattended. I can hear the fabric of his PJs rubbing against the carpet.

In the meantime, how have you been? What’s going on? What have you been watching? Tell me EVERYTHING!