Zombie Invasion
September 29, 2009 by nina
Filed under Blog It Out, Bitch
The one thing I’ve learned about marriage is that you have to be willing to accept the good with the bad, compensate for the bad, and move the fuck on. Seriously. When I forget this, and start bitching about something I know can’t or won’t change, I end up thisclose to yelling myself into a brain aneurysm. It’s not worth it. It’s easier to just compensate for any shortcomings.
For instance, I know that Donny only hears about 65% of things I say. I mean truly hears. So, I make up for this by repeating everything over and over again until he’s tempted to beat me to death with my own arm.
But last night it was brought to my attention that Donny has a deficit so large I cannot ignore it. To do so would be putting myself, and more importantly, my children – but also, more importantly, myself in serious, serious, serious danger.
Thanks to a comprehensive evaluation by the good people at Facebook, I now know that Donny has a 1% chance of surviving a zombie attack.
ONE. PERCENT.
Let’s put this in perspective. Let’s say an average movie is about an hour and forty minutes long. That’s 100 mins. Let’s say your chance of survival is an indication of how long you’d last in a typical zombie movie. That means Donny would die in the first minute of the movie. Who the fuck dies in the first minute?!
I know these quizzes are silly and you shouldn’t put much stock into them. I mean, we all know how they work and how to work them. If you’re taking the “Which Sex and the City Character Are You?” quiz… well, first of all, if you’re taking that quiz you might as well just go ahead and kill yourself. But, let’s say you’re forced to take it. You know how to get the answer you desire.
- Choose all the A somewhat slutty answers to be Charlotte
- Choose all the B kinda slutty answers to be Miranda
- Choose all the C slutty answers to be Carrie
- Choose all the D my-vagina-is-a-clown-car answers to be Samantha
Easy peasy.
So, how do you screw up the zombie attack quiz?! I don’t get it! And it’s not like he was just willy-nilly picking answers. He gave them serious thought. He wants to survive a zombie attack! That’s the scary part. It’s terrifying to think that when the zombie apocalypse comes – and it’s coming, people – Donny will be absolutely useless!
This is distressing. I have children to worry about. I can’t worry about Donny too!
Nina is a 34-year-old mother, wife and writer who spends her days blogging, studying, changing diapers and watching ridiculous amounts of TV. She currently resides in Atlanta, Georgia, with her husband, two children and three TiVos.
"You're an embarassment"
That combined with your tag had me rolling on the floor.
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LikeI laughed so hard I farted
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LikeI laughed so hard reading that, food almost came out of my nose.
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LikeThat's the part he inherited from me. Big scaredy cat
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LikeI'm thinking 1% is just a tick above zombie. Like zombie's pet dog or something. I thought condom was put in there as a clown answer. But apparently they knew what they were doing. Somebody out there
must see the logic of the condom.
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LikeI think I laughed more on his McCooties version of the movie than the blog... You guys are hilarious... I must take this quiz! SUPER FUNNY! woooo thanks I needed that today.
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Likei got a 20%? wtf?
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LikeThat's despicable... yet, still better than Donny.
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LikeI figured it out, so I just went to get me and Nina food from Mickey D's and guess who was taking the money once again... that's right McCootie herself and she looks like she is borderline zombie or at least carries the disease that ultimately turns everyone into one. So that's why I won't survive cause I will be getting Nina food one day and be turned.
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Likewait. Wait. WAIT! You are blaming this on ME and my McDonald's addiction?! Unbelievable!
Here's the McCooties blog for those confused: http://blogitoutb.com/2009/09/mccooties/
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Like"Who the fuck dies in the first minute?!"
Duh. The zombies. :) They have to come from somewhere so the rest of us who are not planning on being on the menu can survive them.
I'm working on an "In Case Of Zombie Attack, Break Glass" display case with a shotgun, handgun, machete, two boxes of ammo, and a Zombie Survival Handbook displayed inside to be hung on my wall prominently.
Of course, because I'm hardcore, these weapons are only meant to get me to the location where the REAL supplies and provisions are. Shit, I even have a plan for nuclear war. I live in Kansas. I've watched "Jericho", bitches.
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LikeAt least I thought he would be one of the screaming runners, but not even going that far.... hmmm
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LikeHahaha.
The only way I can see someone dying the first minute is if the movie opens up to a sex scene. The person on top is done for!
Don't worry you will have time to get away while the zombies are eating Donny, You know how greedy zombies be, they'll pile on top of him giving you some time to RUN!
What did you get on the quiz?
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LikeI honestly was not trying to do bad but I did pick some silly answers like making sure I have a condom on me and surviving on fast food.
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LikeHoney, please stop talking. Why in the name of all that is holy would you need a condom!! Who are you taking time out to screw!??! This is why white people die in horror movies! A time and a place, people. Time and a place!
AND the fact that you need a condom means you don't plan on having sex with me. So, fuck you.
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LikeOh, and mmmm to the fast food.
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LikeAND you picked a chainsaw as your melee weapon?! I know you've played Dead Rising! While you're trying to get your blade out of the bone of one zombie, another will be eating your neck. AND, who's going to carry around the fuel for your chainsaw?
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LikeHAHAHAHAHAHA "AND the fact that you need a condom means you don’t plan on having sex with me. So, fuck you."<----that is what bothers you.....not the fact the your husband will be dead.....hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
OH...I wanted to let you know that I will be trying that Cilantro Lime Mango Chicken sammiches recipe tomorrow....will let you know what I think......
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LikeLMFAO cassie read my mind! lmfao lmfao lmfao
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LikeI think he must have a zombie fantasy/fetish.
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LikeTHAT'S why he gets killed so early! He's got the zombie and he wants to have hot zombie sex. So he gets himself killed and once he's a zombie he has hot zombie sex and figures you can't POSSIBLY blame him because, well hell's bells, he's a zombie! That means he's dead, and it's kinda awful of you to put your jealousy over his having hot zombie sex above the fact that YOUR HUSBAND IS NOW DEAD!
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LikeAre you sure Donny isn't black and or drunk having sex with you in the car/cabin/elevator or working in secret lab during this Zombie attack? First minute means he is Zombie point of origin. Like Your ass is next in the zombifying.
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LikeDonny dies before you even know it's a zombie movie.
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LikeZombies walk at like a 1/2 mph pace..all you have to be is not crippled to survive.
It explains him liking Michigan.
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LikeYes! Except in the new zombie movies they made them super fast. That shit ain't right.
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LikeHey now don't front on Michigan we are undefeated.
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LikeTwo thoughts:
1)This was possibly one of the funniest things you've ever written.
2)I bet Donny's always the one to wake the witch in Left 4 Dead.
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LikeBwahahahaha. He's too afraid to play it anymore! That should have been my first warning.
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LikeHaven't you learned anything? Never trust a man afraid to kill a zombie!!
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LikeThis was a great blog.
My son & his best friend are into the Zombie games & Zombie movies. They are both 18 years old & just graduated high school but they have plan to live next door to each other in separate houses on separate land BUT to share ONE HUGE garage that will be in the middle of their properties & will have in it a HUGE ARMORED BUS ready for when the zombie's take over the earth. They really believe this will happen...
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LikeThey sound smart to me. I'm totally going to need that address so I know in which direction to head when the zombie apocalypse hits.
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LikeI actually laughed out loud at this. I'm going to make my husband take that quiz so I know what I'm dealing with.
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LikeWe should have had quizzes like this BEFORE we married them. Fuck a pre-nup!
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LikeYou're right- now it's too late.
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LikeI think his score was thus, b/c we all know you'd throw him down in an attempt to slow the zombies down to get you and your kids(but especially you) out of the situation ...THAT'S why *I* think he scored so low,......
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LikeYou may be on to something!
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LikeMy thoughts exactly.
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LikeAnd then she'd throw her mom. And then her daughter. And then, having saved the juicy baby brains for last, her son.
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LikeThat means Donny would die in the first minute of the movie. Who the fuck dies in the first minute?! White people, usually female. LOL I would say black people but you hardly catch us in horror flicks, especially Zombie movies. lol Black people dying in horror films, unrealistic.
This is distressing. I have children to worry about. I can’t worry about Donny too! LMBO...maybe Donny needs a self defense class or something.
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LikeI thought the same thing- we don't die in horror movies because we're not in them. And if we are, they keep us around for comic relief (i.e. Mike Epps in Resident Evil 2)
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Likeor if ur ashanti u just die halfway thru. LOL
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LikeThat was a hot ass mess.
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LikeI cringed when I saw his score. I've been so busy, I have missed your blogs. PErfect reminder of why they used to be my religion. XO
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LikeThe only thing I can figure is that he immediately runs into a mob of zombies wearing clothing made of brains.
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LikeClothing made of brains... holy crap, that's good stuff.
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LikeBoozy!!! Hello stranger!
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