I Will Take an Old Lady Down
September 10, 2009 by nina
Filed under Blog It Out, Bitch
The best part of blogging is the exchange – the fact that I can freely discuss the good and the bad that comes with being me, with being human, and knowing that at least one person will relate. We’ll end up trading stories, another person will join in, and suddenly the world doesn’t feel so large.
Some don’t always get it, or like it for that matter. Some get upset and defriend you on Facebook, unfollow you on Twitter, etc., etc. Some ask, “Why would anyone share that?” “Why would anyone write about this?”
It’s simple: I’ve lived a lot of places, met many people, dated all kinds of men (I even let a female porn star take me on a few “dates” – hey, a girl’s gotta eat!), and forgotten more jobs than most people have had. What I’ve learned is that we all have more in common than we realize. When the world seems to be inundated with partisan bullshit and hateful rhetoric, I am comforted by the fact that most of us, at some point, has wiped and gotten poop on (not in) our hands. We should not be afraid to admit these things!
And so, it is with great pride and total lack of shame that I admit freely:
Today, I threatened an old lady with bodily harm.
Yes.I.Did.
And I meant it.
I was on my way to class, driving in the right lane (shocker, I know) when suddenly traffic slowed. Some kind of break down was causing all the right lane drivers to merge left. When it was my turn, I looked to my left to see if the driver was going to allow me over, or pull up and expect me to pull into the lane behind them.
I was not ready for what I saw. An old white lady was saying something, but both of our windows were up and I couldn’t hear her. From her body language, I’m pretty sure she was cussing my ass out. Her gray hair was swept up in a twist, long silver earrings dangled from her ears, and her thin, vein-like lips were painted a garish red. She was sporting over sized Jackie O. glasses. I was torn between ringing her poultry-like neck and rolling down my window to ask where she found such awesome specs.
But then I got pissed. Why? Because I hadn’t done anything wrong! I wasn’t trying nose in front while pretending not to see her like some motorists would. I had my blinker on and everything. I was waiting my turn which is so uncharacteristically me! And I was running late!
So, for a moment I forgot my manners and my station in life as a mother, wife, homeowner, and semi-responsible member of society and I carefully shaped my lips to form the words,
“Lady, I will fuck you up!”
Then I merged in front of her. And felt much better.
Nina is a 34-year-old mother, wife and writer who spends her days blogging, studying, changing diapers and watching ridiculous amounts of TV. She currently resides in Atlanta, Georgia, with her husband, two children and three TiVos.
You gotta do what you gotta do.
well, we’ve all done it…I’ve never threatened bodily harm to an old person, but I’ve been known to cuss a few.
For some reason, I don’t believe you on the whole never threatened bodily harm thing. Just sayin’.
not to an old person….I’ve threatened MANY a time…well, maybe, if I didn’t KNOW it was an old person driving!!!
BUT, I always felt bad afterwards!! LOL
Errr, Well I threaten old ladies all the time. It usually goes something like: “If this old broad does get the fuck out the way. DAMN, push that freaking Caddy Grandma.”
But I am in Philly and my Driver Bullshit tolerance is extremely LOW.
LMFAO Ive had moments like this. Esp on the subway. One day I was on the E train going home towards Junction and I needed to hop on the A at one of the express stops before I got stuck @ Chambers on the wrong side of the track. ANYWHO… Im standing at the door and the lady next to me who is siiting down on the corner seat is poking me because I stepped to the side to let someone through. I apologized and stood on the door. I waited for my stop. Somebody was trying to get in I had to lean in, I wasnt even on her. I was sideways still on the door. This fucking lady had the nerve to take her umbrella and poke me with it. I looked at her said “Lady if you dont stop your little poking shit, I am going to elbow your nose into your brain. I dont give a fuck hjow old or who the fuck you think you are.” She looked at me. Didnt say anything. My intuition said “get off @ 14th St before you kill this lady” and I ended up taking the L home. SMH! I dont understand whats the deal with elderly women. I kind of wish I had elbowed her nose into her brain… or @ least just made her nosebleed.
Oh SNAP. I have had my moments on the NY trains, but DAMN. LMAO
“your little poking shit” LOL
Whats sad that after I left this comment, another old lady started the same shit. Seriously, im beginning to wonder if ppl put poke me stickers on me smh
I don’t know where people get the idea that old people are all nice…lol. Just like any teenaged/middle aged/or twenty something person they get nasty too! Although, I do respect age and life experiences that come with it, I will also give them a tongue lashing if neccesary (probably spelt that wrong).
Girl, you have no idea how happy I was to hear that I wasn’t the only one who brought their laptop into the bathroom with them.
Absolute genius, Nina… GENIUS. I would have done the same thing.
I agree with Sarah (even though I have no idea who she is, lol). I have cussed MANY an older person out (or at least THOUGHT about it, lol). I figure I just don’t like people in general, lol.
Hell, that’s not that bad. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve had the urge to run little badass kids over with a shopping cart. And while we’re confessing it pisses me off when someone sits right up under me in a theater, on the bus, etc. when it’s damn near empty and there are plenty of seats!!
Ha! I love you.
you cuss out the old lady I cuss out foreigners. I am hispanic I am allowed to. well that is what I tell myself as I scream at them, IN SPANISH!
This reminds me of that old school Will Smith song – You Saw My Blinker, Bitch!
STOP.LYING.
That is NOT a song. OK. I have to find it. NOW.
No way, dude, it’s totally real.
And really funny.
ha ha ha, i found the song it’s hilarious
ROFLMMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh Nina, I love it when you misbehave. Please do it more often, lol!
Smooches~~~
Carolina
I live in a small community of slow driving, inconsiderate old people. My daughter is learning a whole new language while I attempt to drive the 20+ miles to school every morning.
LOL. Sometimes such things need to be said..or mouthed.
Punch her in the throat!
omg, i have not commented in forever, (been super busy) but this entry is HILARIOUS !!
You just might be my soulmate
wallydraigling teenagers are 10 points, but cussing old ladies… 15 points!!!
I love you.
I work in a hospital with a mostly elderly patient base so I can totally relate to this. I’ve never spoken my thoughts aloud. But if they could only read my thoughts, I’d be out of a job at least 3 times a day!
OMG! Forget those other commenters saying they love you. They know nothing about love. I really love you, but I’m so not a stalker. AT ALL!
Hugs and Mocha,
Stesha
I see I’m late to this party….but had you been in another state, that could have been my Mema. red nails, awesome shades…..driving like a bitch. Yep, I drive like a granny…mine!
The old woman then took out her anger by heading to Englewood, New Jersey and trying to run down the first white boy she saw in a crosswalk despite him having the right of way.
Yes.
She.
Did.