Zombie Invasion

The one thing I’ve learned about marriage is that you have to be willing to accept the good with the bad, compensate for the bad, and move the fuck on. Seriously. When I forget this, and start bitching about something I know can’t or won’t change, I end up thisclose to yelling myself into a brain aneurysm. It’s not worth it. It’s easier to just compensate for any shortcomings.

For instance, I know that Donny only hears about 65% of things I say. I mean truly hears. So, I make up for this by repeating everything over and over again until he’s tempted to beat me to death with my own arm.

But last night it was brought to my attention that Donny has a deficit so large I cannot ignore it. To do so would be putting myself, and more importantly, my children – but also, more importantly, myself in serious, serious, serious danger.

Thanks to a comprehensive evaluation by the good people at Facebook, I now know that Donny has a 1% chance of surviving a zombie attack.

ONE. PERCENT.

Let’s put this in perspective. Let’s say an average movie is about an hour and forty minutes long. That’s 100 mins. Let’s say your chance of survival is an indication of how long you’d last in a typical zombie movie. That means Donny would die in the first minute of the movie. Who the fuck dies in the first minute?!

I know these quizzes are silly and you shouldn’t put much stock into them. I mean, we all know how they work and how to work them. If you’re taking the “Which Sex and the City Character Are You?” quiz… well, first of all, if you’re taking that quiz you might as well just go ahead and kill yourself. But, let’s say you’re forced to take it. You know how to get the answer you desire.

• Choose all the A somewhat slutty answers to be Charlotte
• Choose all the B kinda slutty answers to be Miranda
• Choose all the C slutty answers to be Carrie
• Choose all the D my-vagina-is-a-clown-car answers to be Samantha

Easy peasy.

So, how do you screw up the zombie attack quiz?! I don’t get it! And it’s not like he was just willy-nilly picking answers. He gave them serious thought. He wants to survive a zombie attack! That’s the scary part. It’s terrifying to think that when the zombie apocalypse comes – and it’s coming, people – Donny will be absolutely useless!

This is distressing. I have children to worry about. I can’t worry about Donny too!

Full of Grace

Last night I had the pleasure of interviewing my Grandmother who has been visiting the states from Panama. It occurred to me recently that I’d already lost both of my Grandfathers and that it would be a shame for so much family history and lessons to die with my Grandmothers. I couldn’t tell you how either of my Grandparents met. I couldn’t tell you what their parents did for a living. I couldn’t even tell you where in Panama my Grandmother lived. Shame on me.

I’d always felt… hmmm, disconnected isn’t the right word… I didn’t feel as connected to my father’s side of the family as I did my mother’s until the past decade or so. I have no memories of my parents as a couple since they had me when they were teens and broke up long before my mind was capable of retaining long-term memories.

I think my feelings of “not as connected” can be chalked up to just bad luck. Stick with me on this one. Let’s just say my father’s last name is Lopez. It’s not, but for the sake of explaining, it is now.

When I look at all of the Lopez grandchildren including me and my sister (same Dad, different Moms) I can see why I felt kind of odd-man-out. When my Grandparents visited, my little sister naturally spent more time with them as she lived with my father and stepmother. Arrangements would have to be made for me to visit during their visits. My father has three sisters who, even if they didn’t remain married to their children’s fathers, retained custody (as most Moms do.) The Lopez women, and their children, would naturally have access when Grandma and Grandpa Lopez would visit from Panama. My father has two brothers. One has been married to the same woman since like, forever. His other brother has one child who was raised, mostly, by his mother in Kansas. I think he’s the only Lopez grandchild that could probably relate to what I felt. He and I are the only grandchildren not raised 24/7 in a Lopez household. I’ll have to ask him one day.

***

My father’s parents had moved back to Panama before I was born and never again resided in the U.S. – my opportunities to see them restricted to short visits here as I’d never traveled to Panama.

They eventually divorced and I have more vivid memories of my Grandfather’s visits to the states. I have visions of him sitting on the sofa at my Dad’s house watching baseball or old Frank Sinatra movies. I remember his voice, his glasses, his hair, and what he smelled like. From time spent with him and snippets of conversations from his children – my Dad, aunts and uncles – I had an idea of who he was. My Grandmother, on the other hand, remained a mystery.

My impression of her was based on the stories of other people; cousins who got to go to Panama or spent weeks on end with her when she would visit the states and stay with their parents. I always wondered what she felt for me. Did she too have feelings of “not as connected” due to distance? It made me sad that my most tangible memory of her was her perfume – a perfume I would chase for years.

***

Yesterday, she told me how she’d met my Grandfather when they were both 19. She was living in NY and engaged to someone else; a young man in the army, stationed at Fort Bragg. He’d take pictures of his fiance and friends back to the base in NC and show them off. One of his friends, Private Lopez, took a particular interest in a pretty Panamanian girl in the photos and asked if he might accompany his friend on his next trip to NY.

They would hang out in a group; my grandmother unaware that my grandfather carried a torch for her, and my grandfather unaware that she’d called off her engagement to the other fellow – a fellow who would later be named Godfather to their youngest child. One night, they sat on a stoop talking, getting some fresh air away from a party inside. Somehow the subject turned to a young woman who my Grandfather had feelings for. A girl who, though she was engaged to another, remained close to him because he carried a photo of her everywhere he went.

My Grandmother’s curiosity was piqued and she asked to see the picture, sure it was of one of the girls in their circle of friends. He made her promise not to tell if he showed her, and she promised with the full intention of running back inside to blab the moment he did. He handed her the photo. She turned it over and saw herself, on the beach, in a bathing suit. She handed it back to him. She was nervous and her hands were shaking. She ran home and when a friend arrived to find out what was wrong, she had my Grandfather in tow. And my Grandmother was too afraid to go outside and talk to him!

Every woman has at least one romantic story like that – if they’re lucky. I listened with tears in my eyes as he promised to write her every day while he was deployed. He’d proposed after they’d dated awhile and she hadn’t yet given him an answer. He did write every day for months, looking for his answer, as promised. She still has the letters.

***

When she talked about the day he died, many decades later when he was remarried to someone else, my mind kept going back to that night when a 19-year-old young man opened up his hand to reveal a photograph and also opened up his heart. I wondered if his mind went back to that night too as he had to be revived several times on his way to the hospital. Perhaps it did for each time he was, he asked for Dilly, my Grandmother.

***

Everyone called my Grandfather Pop Pop. I asked my Grandmother yesterday, “Why Pop Pop? Where did that come from?”

“You. You called him that when you were little.”

I was floored – not as floored as I was to learn that in her younger days my independent Grandmother would party at the Palladium several nights a week (I partied at The Palladium!) but still floored – I had assumed that he was Pop Pop long before I came along.

She told me that I would cry for her whenever I knew she was visiting. I would throw a downright fit to see my Grandmother. I do not remember this, but she does.

I also learned that her father’s name was Jeffrey and he was half-Chinese and everyone called him Jack. I had inadvertantly named my son after his Great-Great-Grandfather. And I realized I was more connected than I ever knew.

End of the Week Thoughts 9-25-09

Twitter Twit

Yesterday, a famous comedian changed his Twitter profile pic from a picture of him alone to one of him and his wife. Someone that follows him tweeted, “Your wife has a lazy eye.” Now, that’s not nice and I’m in no way condoning it. In fact, neither is the person that wrote it. She immediately apologized after the comedian responded with a retweet, “Fuck you. You have half a face.” (Her own profile pic showed only half of her face.) Because of the comedian’s brand of humor, I thought that, for the most part, he was joking and took her comment in stride.

For those not well-versed in Twitterverse, a retweet is the email of equivalent of forwarding a message and leaving the original sender’s info intact so that those receiving the message can see it.

Now, all of the people who follow the comedian can see his response to the comment about his wife, as well as who sent it and what she said. What do you think happened? I’ll tell you: quite a few people that follow the comedian proceeded to write the girl and attack her. They cried foul at her audacity to insult the personal appearance of the comedian’s wife by… insulting her personal appearance.

It was ridiculous. Sure, she wasn’t right, but was it really necessary for the comedian to sic his followers on her? Maybe that wasn’t his intention, but he had to know that’s what would happen. It seemed most people felt the need to contact the girl, not in defense of the comedian’s wife, but simply to, in some way, get his attention.

Not cool. Not cool at all.

Grey’s Anatomy -

I waited for this premiere all summer. I still have last season’s finale on my TiVo because I loved it so much. Don’t judge me! There were times when last night’s premiere felt uneven. Not the episode as a whole, but the grief that the characters were supposed to feel (spoiler alert!!!) in regards to George’s death.

While I liked the fact that the two-hour episode spanned a little over one month, and in doing so showed the various ways people deal with grief, I could have done without some of the wow-look-how-oddly-we’re-dealing-with-George’s-death moments. Like the laughing fit at the funeral. Seriously? Also, did Callie really need Izzie to tell her that kind, considerate, awesome George would donate every bit of himself that he could to save another life?

Speaking of Callie, she and Bailey seemed to be the only consistent and believable mourners in last night’s episode. Bailey, who had formerly been tough-as-nails, realized that caring so much for the doctors in her charge had opened her up to pain and disappointment when they got sick (Izzie) or died (George.) In every scene she was dead-on as someone dealing with the shock of losing a friend who had delivered her baby – and don’t forget, she named her son after George!

Just as they quickly and inexplicably made Callie a lesbian, the writers need to unlesbian her ass and put her and Mark back together. They are funny and sexy and have more chemistry standing next to each other in an elevator than he has with Lil Grey in a full-on sex scene!

I did appreciate the moment at the end when each character narrates that after you go through all the stages of grief, and think that you’ve moved on to a place where it will all be okay, there are still the occasional moments when you are hit in the gut with the thought that, “Wow. George O’Malley died.”

Too Cute To Be This Fat –

I really need to get back on the ball. I really need to blog about weight loss. I really need some of you to be strong with me, stay interested, and help motivate me. I really am too damn fine to be fat.

Queries -

I keep getting positive responses to queries for my novel Sharing Space. Also, my short story Amongst the Tulips will be published next month on a literary magazine’s site. I’ll link you guys when it’s up.

I’ve started writing my next novel titled Tales From the Biosphere. It’s funny and it’s flowing and it pretty much writes itself. Also, getting positive literary news doesn’t hurt my motivation.

So, how was your week?

McCooties

There’s a certain amount of comfort that comes around 5pm. Everyone is home from work or school. There’s no use in worrying about the things that plagued you during the day. Business hours are over. There will be time tomorrow to worry about paying that bill and the cost of gas as you fill up your tank to go to school. There will be time tomorrow to worry about how many months you have left to work until you’re eligible for vacation.

This is the time to ponder dinner and question your kids on how their day went. This is the time of bedtime stories and primetime TV. This is the time in which I find the most comfort and have the best conversations with my family. This is the time when I laugh and appreciate the most. This is the time when things like these happen:

One evening Donny and I were making dinner together. He’d just pulled some burgers off the grill and was at the counter slicing a tomato. I was making bacon because, you know, we like our arteries thoroughly clogged. I caught a whiff of something.

“Damn. I stink, Donny.”

“No, that’s probably me.”

“No, I’m pretty sure it’s me. I just sniffed my pits. I smell horrible. I should probably take a shower before I eat.”

“I stink too. I worked hard all day. I need a shower. Here. Smell me.”

He lifted his arm and without hesitation I stuck my nose in his pit and took a hearty sniff. He didn’t stink. He smelled like someone who had taken a shower in the morning, put on deodorant, gone to work, and come home with the faint odor of having sweated minimally. I, on the otherhand, smelled like gangbang.

“You smell fine. Here. Now you smell me.”

I lifted my arm so he could return the favor.

“No.”

“What?! I smelled you.”

“Yeah, but I don’t want to smell you. I’ll take your word for it.”

“You suck.”

*

I’m a little disturbed by the things Donny is and isn’t willing to do with/for me. I mean, he will paint my toenails, but not sniff my pits? Then..

We were in our bathroom when I commented on the fact that I needed to shave my legs, but kept forgetting to buy a new razor.

“Use one of mine,” Donny offered.

“You just told me the other day that I couldn’t use one of your razors!”

“Not the one I’m using for my face, but I have extras under my sink.”

Note: The key to a successful marriage is his and hers sinks. If you a baller, maybe separate bathrooms, but your sinks will do in a pinch. There’s something about your own mess, no matter how gross, that is more tolerable than someone else’s – even your own husband’s. It’s like, if you know the origin of the mess, it’s not so bad. Whereas I don’t even want to hazard a guess as to why Donny’s sink is so bad.

“Why can’t I use the one you’re using?”

“To shave your legs?”

“Yes.”

“The one I’m using on my face to shave your legs?”

“Yes.”

“That’s gross.”

“Let me get this straight: you can kiss me, have sex with me, and make a baby with me, but you won’t use a razor I’ve used on my legs?”

“Sounds about right.”

*

I’m doing a feature article for class, “From Empanadas to Ceviche: How to Experience Authentic South American Cuisine in Atlanta.” Donny and I were in the car when I informed him I’d have to hit up a few restaurants as research.

“Make sure you take me with you.”

“I don’t know. It can get pretty pricey. I might have to go alone and only go at lunch time.”

“OR, I can go alone and tell you about it.”

“Whatever.”

“Let me know if you need info on some Argentinian dishes. A girl at work is from there.”

“Is she pretty?”

“No.”

“Liar.”

“She’s not.”

“Mark Sanford lied about hiking the Applachian trails to go get some Argentinian poontang! I got my eye on you!”

*

A few months ago, we’d promised Kali a chocolate milkshake so one evening we took her to the McDonald’s drive-thru to get one. As I pulled up to the first window to pay, Donny suggested I use the loose change he kept in the middle console. While trying to pay the lady, I held her cupped hands in mine to ensure that the money wouldn’t fall to the asphalt below. It was then that I noticed her arm looked as if it had been gnawed on by demonic Keebler elves.

“What the fuck?,” I asked to no one in particular as I pulled forward to the next window. “Did you see that?” I turned to Donny.

“See what?”

“Her arm?! It looked like she had scurvy!”

“What’s that?”

“I don’t know, but it just sounds like something that would look like that! And I touched her!”

“You got McCooties.”

A few weeks ago, the McCooties forgotten, we went back for food. That lady and her scarred up arm were the furthest things from my mind until I reached out to pay with my debit card and I saw The Arm emerge to take it. I quickly rolled up the window.

“Oh my God. Oh my God. Donny, it’s the McCooties lady!”

Donny starts to half whisper/half mouth something, but I can’t make it out.

“What?!”

“Look at her teeth!,” he stage whispered.

“No!”

“Just do it!”

As I reach for my card and receipt, against my better judgment, I glance up as her mouth forms the words, “Have a nice night.” We’re pulling up to the next window when I turn to Donny…

“Holy shit, it looks like she’s been chewing on bricks! This is God’s way of telling me to stop eating this shit!”

Nina’s Top Ten Things I Never Thought I’d Say… Until I Had Kids

10. “Please stop pulling your sister’s panties.”

9. “No, you cannot have Fruit Roll-Ups for breakfast. Because they’re not actually fruit.”

8. “Stop licking your sister’s arm.”

7. “Get your hands out of the toilet!”

6. “Don’t bite the dog!”

5. “Do not put that in your nose!

4. “You have to go to school. Because if I don’t send you to school, I’ll go to jail. Do you want Mommy to go to jail? I didn’t think so. Now, go get dressed.”

3. “No, my breastmilk isn’t chocolate because I’m brown.”

2. “Please don’t bite my nipple.”

1. “Stop playing with your penis!”

BIOBaby: Jack Updates

It’s been awhile. I’ve been busy with school and trying to get published. Thanks for your patience.

*

Jack is almost 14 months now. His vocabulary continues to grow. Donny has been upgraded from “Dada” to “Daddy.” It’s absolutely adorable and somewhat annoying. Annoying because I just realized a few days ago that he now says Mama when referring to me and when requesting food. My mom will be pouring a bowl of Cherrios for him and he’ll start chanting from his high chair, “Mama mama!” Kali will be pouring a cup of juice for him and he’ll be standing at her side, pointing at the cup, and screaming, “Mama mama!”

“This is because, to him, you are food.” Donny explained. “It’s kind of cute.”

“No. It’s insulting. A bit of my soul dies when my son affectionately calls a french fry, ‘Mama!’”

Donny has taught him how to say, “Belly.” He will rub his own, and sometimes one of our bellies, and say belly over and over again. Not to be outdone, I’m trying to teach him how to say, “esophagus.”

He’s a smart cookie and tries desperately to keep up with Kali and my lil sister, Bruklyn. The girls were outside the other day and Jack stood at the second floor gallery window watching them play. Suddenly, he began running a few feet to the wall, slapping it, and then running back to the window. I was standing nearby, on the phone with my Dad, silently wondering what the hell he was doing. Then, I looked out the window and saw that the girls were racing to the neighbor’s mailbox, tagging it with their hands, and then running back to the other neighbor’s driveway. Jack wanted to race too!

Yes, I’m still nursing him. He is not really feeling the cow’s milk, but will drink baby juice and water. He eats cereal, baby cereal, Gerber graduates meals, steamed veggies, and random things from our plates. He still likes to nurse at night before bed. I’m not worried about it because I told myself when I was pregnant that I’d try to nurse for the first 18 months.

He’s still sleeping with us as well. Some people seem to think that we are setting ourselves up for trouble later, but this isn’t our first rodeo. Kali was still sleeping with us at this age too. It’s even more convenient because he is still nursing. I’m not overly concerned with a rough transition to his own room because we have experience with it and did just fine.

Finally, Jack loves to dance.

Tomorrow: The Top Ten Most Ridiculous Things I’ve Said As a Mom

Survivor: Samoa Epi 1 – Puppetmaster

Survivor kicks off it’s biggest season yet with 20 castaways. The tribes were preselected: Galu (purple) and Foa Foa (yellow.) Every tribe votes for their leaders based on first impressions.

Galu picks Russell

And Foa Foa picks Mick

They each pick the members of the team that will compete in their first comp for fire. Mick surprisingly picked Jaison to handle the swimming leg, and surprisingly he can swim!!

Foa Foa wins the challenge.

Russell H. from Foa Foa makes an alliances with each young girl. He calls it his Dumb Ass Girl Alliance. He makes an alliance with Betsy, an ex-cop, who doesn’t trust him.

Later that night, Russell tells everyone that he lived in New Orleans and lost his dog during Hurrican Katrina. He never lived in New Orleans. While everyone is sleeping, he dumps out all of the water from canteens and burns people socks. He confesses that he’s a multi-millionaire from Texas that doesn’t need the money. He’s only there to make people miserable.

What an asshole!

At Galu, Shambo is annoyed with all the talk and little action going on and she’s not impressed with Russell S’s leadership skills.

At the immunity challenge Galu kicks ass which is good because Foa Foa was cocky for no damn reason. You shouldn’t be so damn cocky when you have a little redneck midget pulling your strings.

Marisa makes the mistake of telling Russell H. she isn’t secure in their alliance because she sees him talking to everyone. He tells the whole tribe to vote her out.

At Tribal Council, Marisa is put on the spot and Russell H. fans the flames. She doesn’t do a good job of defending herself and is voted out.

Language, Language

I have the pottiest of all potty mouths. My mouth is a veritable cesspool of filth and f-bombs, molars and motherfuckers, incisors and… a really bad word that starts with an i.

I like cursing. It makes me feel better when I’m mad or stressed. Some people meditate, I yell obscenities. I think both are preferable alternatives to breaking dishes or choking the shit outta someone so, don’t judge me.

And yes, I curse in front of my children. Maybe I curse because adults cursed around me when I was young. Who knows? I really don’t buy into these theories that state that what’s done around you as a child shapes the kind of adult you’re going to be. Some people who grew up with F-bombs dropped like they were hot, never curse. Some people who got regular spankings as a child, never raise a hand to their own children. Maybe we are going to be who we are going to be regardless.

Kali, as far as I know, doesn’t curse. I say this with the same certainty that a parent who never curses around their child can. We can never be 100% sure what our kids are (or aren’t) doing when we’re not around. She says she doesn’t and I believe her. This is the same child that once refused to tell me the “c word” a fellow student had used in school. My mind raced. I asked myself, “Cunt? Cock? Cracker-ass-cracker? What could it be?”

She decided to spell it.

“C-R…”

Why would a little white boy call someone a cracker-ass-cracker, I wondered.

“…A-P.”

“Crap?! He said crap, Kali?!”

“Yes, that’s a bad word.”

So, you see what I’m dealing with. I hope that Kali, if she decides to start cursing, does so the way I did. I never cursed in front of my parents until I was an adult (a.k.a Grown Ass Woman), I cursed as a teen with my friends, I was never one of those teens to curse around other adults, and as an adult I don’t just curse in public willy-nilly (in the market, in the workplace, etc.) and around other people’s children. If I slip, I apologize, correct myself, and make sure not to do again. Most times, the parent will wave their hand and inform me that, “oh, they’ve heard worse at home.”

I don’t think that cursing is an indication of intelligence. Anyone that does is a fucking moron. I’m sure there are a bunch of nuclear physicists with a healthy cussing appetite. The key is being smart enough to know when not to cuss.

So, what are your thoughts on cursing and children?

I Will Take an Old Lady Down

The best part of blogging is the exchange – the fact that I can freely discuss the good and the bad that comes with being me, with being human, and knowing that at least one person will relate. We’ll end up trading stories, another person will join in, and suddenly the world doesn’t feel so large.

Some don’t always get it, or like it for that matter. Some get upset and defriend you on Facebook, unfollow you on Twitter, etc., etc. Some ask, “Why would anyone share that?” “Why would anyone write about this?”

It’s simple: I’ve lived a lot of places, met many people, dated all kinds of men (I even let a female porn star take me on a few “dates” – hey, a girl’s gotta eat!), and forgotten more jobs than most people have had. What I’ve learned is that we all have more in common than we realize. When the world seems to be inundated with partisan bullshit and hateful rhetoric, I am comforted by the fact that most of us, at some point, has wiped and gotten poop on (not in) our hands. We should not be afraid to admit these things!

And so, it is with great pride and total lack of shame that I admit freely:

Today, I threatened an old lady with bodily harm.

Yes.I.Did.

And I meant it.

I was on my way to class, driving in the right lane (shocker, I know) when suddenly traffic slowed. Some kind of break down was causing all the right lane drivers to merge left. When it was my turn, I looked to my left to see if the driver was going to allow me over, or pull up and expect me to pull into the lane behind them.

I was not ready for what I saw. An old white lady was saying something, but both of our windows were up and I couldn’t hear her. From her body language, I’m pretty sure she was cussing my ass out. Her gray hair was swept up in a twist, long silver earrings dangled from her ears, and her thin, vein-like lips were painted a garish red. She was sporting  over sized Jackie O. glasses. I was torn between ringing her poultry-like neck and rolling down my window to ask where she found such awesome specs.

But then I got pissed. Why? Because I hadn’t done anything wrong! I wasn’t trying nose in front while pretending not to see her like some motorists would. I had my blinker on and everything. I was waiting my turn which is so uncharacteristically me! And I was running late!

So, for a moment I forgot my manners and my station in life as a mother, wife, homeowner, and semi-responsible member of society and I carefully shaped my lips to form the words,

“Lady, I will fuck you up!”

Then I merged in front of her. And felt much better.

Nina’s Big Ass Fall TV Blog – Premiere Dates and Previews

My longtime readers know that around this time I’ve already made my TiVo spreadsheet. That’s right. With three TiVos (four if you count Kali’s), I need a spreadsheet to plot out which shows will make the cut… and to ensure I don’t miss anything.

Here’s the breakdown on when the new shows premiere as well as when you can expect to see your favorites returning.

Tuesday September 8th

• 90210 (CW)
• Melrose Place (CW)
• Sons of Anarchy (FX)

I love that the people behind Melrose Place are telling you upfront that you can expect more of the same bed-hopping that made the original so successful by declaring, “Tuesday is the new humpday” in MP promos. Classy!

And not even the casting of Ashley Simpson-Wentz (yes, Jessica’s little sis) can keep me from checking it out. Don’t judge me! I’m just excited that they’ve also cast some people of color.

And, old favorites!

Wednesday, September 9th

• America’s Next Top Model (CW)
• So You Think You Can Dance (FOX)
• Glee (FOX)

If you follow me on Twitter (@neenerspb) you know I’ve been raving about this show since FOX aired the pilot sneak peek in April. Since a sassy black woman is just a dickswing away from being a gay white man, it goes without saying that this show about high school misfits who hope to put their glee club on the map is right up my alley!

And if that’s not enough, they cover Kanye’s, “Gold Digger!”

Thursday, September 10

• Vampire Diaries (CW)
• Supernatural (CW)

If you go to the CW’s site and read the synopsis for Vampire Diaries, you’ll get a headache. Whoever wrote that sucks. It’s pretty much about two fine ass vampire brothers who move to a town and have all the little high school girls atwitter. You know after the big Twilight buzz last year, this show was inevitable. It is also based on a series of vampire books.

Monday, September 14th

• One Tree Hill (CW)
• Gossip Girl (CW)

Thursday, September 17th

• Survivor (CBS)
• Bones (FOX)
• Fringe (FOX)
• The Office (NBC)
• It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (FX)

Monday, September 21st

• Dancing with the Stars (ABC)
• House (FOX)
• How I Met Your Mother (CBS)
• Heroes (NBC)
• Big Bang Theory (CBS)
• CSI: Miami (CBS)
• Accidentally on Purpose (CBS)
• Two and a Half Men (CBS)

Tuesday, September 22

• NCIS (CBS)
• NCIS: Los Angeles (CBS)
• The Good Wife (CBS)
• The Forgotten (ABC)

I’m checking out both The Good Wife and The Forgotten.  I’m curious to see this “wife of a cheating politician” storyline played out though I understand it’s not completely what TGW is about, and after NBC canceled My Own Worst Enemy, I want to see Christian Slater on the small screen again.

And yes, L.L. was enough to make add NCIS: Los Angeles to my list.

Wednesday, September 23

• The New Adventures of Old Christine (CBS)
• Mercy (NBC)
• Criminal Minds (CBS)
• Law and Order: SVU (NBC)
• Cougar Town (ABC)
• CSI: NY (CBS)
• Eastwick (ABC)

It seems that any movie that made even a $10 profit will eventually be made into a television show. This year, we get Eastwick – a remake of The Witches of Eastwick starring Jack Nicholson, Michelle Pfieffer, Cher, and Susan Sarandon.

Each fall, Donny and I try to predict which of the new shows will have the dubious honor of being canceled first. Donny correctly picked FOX’s Do Not Disturb (I know. Google it.) last year. This year, I think I’m gonna put my money on Eastwick. Even though it made my TiVo list.

I’m super excited for the return of Criminal Minds as one of the key players was found themselves staring down the barrel of a gun as the finale faded to black last spring. Do not watch clip below if you haven’t seen the finale yet.

Thursday, September 24

• Flash Forward (ABC)
• CSI (CBS)
• Grey’s Anatomy (ABC)
• The Mentalist (CBS)

Every since the success of Lost, each season, ABC tries to find another supernatural drama to catch on. Invasion, Daybreak, The Nine… none of them do. This year’s attempt looks promising. For a few moments, everyone in the world blacks out at the same time. Even more mysterious than why it happened, is what happened while they were out – they saw six months into their futures.

I am dying (no pun intended) to see Grey’s Anatomy’s premiere. How I could I not be? The finale was awesome. Even though in this day and age it’s impossible to keep casting secrets, I’m still going to cry my eyes out once George dies. *sob*

Friday, September 25

• Ghost Whisperer (CBS)
• Smallville (CW)
• Law and Order (NBC)
• Medium (CBS)
• Dollhouse (FOX)

I am quite pleased that after NBC canceled Medium, CBS had the good sense to pick it up. Not only have they been airing episodes this summer to give new viewers a chance to get to know the show, but they’re also starting it in the fall with a full 22-episode run. Something that NBC never did. What do you expect from the network giving up on 10pm dramas to air the unfunny Jay Leno five nights a week in their stead?

Sunday, September 27

• The Amazing Race (CBS)
• Family Guy (FOX)
• The Cleveland Show
• Desperate Housewives (ABC)
• Dexter (SHO)
• Cold Case (CBS)
• Californication (SHO)
• Brothers & Sisters (ABC)

We’re most excited about Dexter and The Amazing Race in this house. Donny already has his couple picked to win TAR; the interracial couple. Here’s a sneak peek at Dexter season 4:

Monday, September 28

• Trauma (NBC)
• Lie to Me (FOX)

Shows Starting in October:

• Ugly Betty (ABC)
• Southland (NBC)
• Private Practice (ABC)
• Stargate Universe
• 30 Rock

Shows Starting Later:

• V
• 24
• Lost

Here is my Three Tivo Fall Schedule:

Sundays

8pm – The Amazing Race

9pm – Desperate Housewives, Dexter

10pm – Cold Case

Monday

8pm – Heroes

9pm – Trauma

Tuesday

8pm – So You Think You Can Dance

9pm – NCIS: Los Angeles, Melrose Place

10pm – The Good Wife, The Forgotten

Wednesday

8pm – So You Think You Can Dance

9pm – Criminal Minds, Glee, Law and Order: SVU

10pm – Eastwick

Thursday

8pm – Survivor, Flash Forward, Vampire Diaries

9pm – Grey’s Anatomy, Supernatural, CSI, Bones

10pm – Private Practice, The Mentalist

Friday

8pm – Smallville

9pm – Ugly Betty, Southland, Medium

So, what shows are you most looking forward to? Also, I have quite a few empty slots. What should I be watching that I’m not? What’s your favorite returning show and what show are you going to miss that didn’t get pick up this year?