True Blood S2E5 “Never Let Me Go”

Previously on True Blood: Bill pulls a cockblock move on Hoyt and Jessica. Tara moves into Sookie’s house while she goes to Dallas to help Eric figure out what happened to Godric. At Jesus Camp, some members question Sarah’s intentions towards Jason. Maryann throws Tara an orgy/birthday party at the Stackhouse house. Daphne claims to know what Sam is.

And now…

Daphne makes Sam follow her in the woods all the way claiming that she can tell he’s been carrying a secret. She strips naked and disappears behind some trees. When Sam catches up, he finds a fawn… and I throw up in my mouth a little. Daphne is the fawn.

And we have credits… and Jack does his little humping dance cause he loves the song.

Sam freaks out and wants to know how Daphne knew about him. She tells him she saw a dog jump in the water and it popped up Sam. She tells him he’s not alone anymore and they start to kiss. They’re interupted by Arlene and Terry who were sneaking away to make out.

Um, didn’t her serial killer fiance just die like, a month ago?

In Dallas, Sookie chases Barry the mind-reading bellboy down the hallway. He doesn’t want to talk about it, but she’s a pain in the ass. She wants to swap mind-reading stories and he’s not tryna have it. He tells her he doesn’t know what kind of candyass vampires they have in her town, but Dallas vamps ain’t no joke. Sookie claims to have badass vampires in Bon Temps too.  Uh, no. You have pussy-whipped vampires in Bon Temps. Barry runs off begging Sookie not to tell anyone what he can do. She pouts and flounces back to her room. God, kill her already!

In the hotel room, Bill yells at Jessica for ordering a prostitute. When Sookie comes in she lies about why she left the room. He tells her that she shouldn’t wander off because apparently, he knows that Dallas vamps are badass too. And, proving my earlier point, he allows Sookie to change the subject the moment she starts rubbing up against him and making goo-goo eyes. Aaaaand, vomit in my mouth again. Ugh.

"Bill, when will you learn to stop giving me sound advice? You know my fool ass won't follow it!"

Jessica calls Hoyt and it’s really sweet until his old ass mama comes in yelling at him for having a girl call so late. They decide to watch TV together over the phone. Awww, I remember those days. Sweet. Hoyt starts telling Jessica about the comic book he’s reading too.

At Jesus Camp, Jason is awakened at the ass crack of dawn by a Jesus Drill instructor. He and the other soldiers are made to do jumping jacks and push-ups like it’s boot camp.

Tara wakes up from her wild night with Eggs. She looks at the framed pic of her, Sookie, and Grandma Stackhouse. Call me crazy, but that’s kinda icky after screwing like a porn star in her house. Eggs wakes up and Tara tells him how good of a woman Sookie’s grandma was. Why are you guys talking about an old dead woman?!

Sookie sneaks out of bed the next morning and goes down for the continental breakfast. She sees Barry and wants to start talking about their ability. He begs her to leave him alone. He looks at it as a curse. Sookie offers to teach Barry how to control his ability when he complains that it drives him crazy, but he turns her down. Will she leave the poor man alone?

Bill is upset when he finds out Sookie snuck off again. She opens her big mouth and tells him about Barry. He’s worried that the more people that know about her ability, the harder it will be to protect her. He’s salty because he’s responsible for her and Jessica, but they make their own decisions.

At Merlotte’s, Arlene gives Daphne a hard time. When Sam shows up he wants to know why Daphne ran off. She says she always needs a run after a change. Lafayette shows up and everyone is happy to see him. Sam takes him in the back room and wants to know what happened to him. Lafayette doesn’t offer up answers, he just wants his job back.

At Jesus Camp, Jason and the others are being put through it! When one recruit drops out, Jason tries to encourage him on while Luke makes fun of the guy and runs ahead.

Tara goes to the kitchen and discovers Maryann cutting up fruit. She and Carl slept over. Tara is surprised when Maryann says that she, Carl, and Eggs need a place to stay. The house they were living in doesn’t belong to Maryann, but to a client that was out of the country but he’s back now. Tara tells Maryann that they dont’ gotta go home, but they gotta get the hell up out the Stackhouse joint. SHE is a guest, she can’t be inviting other people to stay. People that Sookie doesn’t even know. Maryann looks like she’s about to cry and leaves the room. I guess it’s better than pulling out her minotaur claws and ripping Tara’s scalp off.

Tara goes into the other room where Eggs is playing the guitar and asks him why he didn’t tell her that he, Maryann, and Carl are a bunch of nomads. He tells her that they all look out for each other and that if her idea of family wasn’t so fucked up, she’d recognize that they took care of her too.

At Jesus Camp, Luke can’t make it over a fence because he’s too tired. Jason steps up and helps him over. Sarah Newlin creams her panties. Jason is a true SOG. That’s Soldier of God, you heathens.

In Dallas, two other vampires (Stan and Isabel) meet with Eric, Sookie, and Bill. Stan wants to just take out the whole church, but Isabel insists they need a plan.

Sarah and Steve argue over something he’s doing with the church that she doesn’t approve of. She’s annoyed that the drill instructor (Gabe) knows more than she does. Jason comes in and Steve takes him off alone to show him something few people have ever seen. Sarah isn’t happy.

Steve shows Jason a weapons room with vampire-specific weapons.

Maryann and Carl pull up outside of Merlotte’s and she instructs Carl to keep the car running. She closes her eyes and starts some who-doo voodoo. Everyone in Merlotte’s starts arguing with each other and there’s lots of “fuck yous.” Maryann tells Carl they can leave, her work there is done.

At the Newlin house, Jason is taking a bath when Sarah comes in and locks the door. She offers to help him bathe. As she runs a loofah up his arm, she explains that Mary Magdeline washed the feet of Jesus and dried him with her hair. Jason points out that Mary was also a hooker. Sarah says that after all his hard work, he needs a reward. Apparently, his reward is a hand job.

Isabel and Stan bicker like kids. No one can agree on a plan. Sookie offers to join the church and go under cover. Eric likes that plan. Bill pulls him aside and wants to know why he’s willing to do all this for Godric. Flashback a few hundred years and Eric is dying on a Viking battlefield. Godric, a young boy, appears at night and kills Eric’s men, but offers him eternal life because he admires what a warrior Eric is. Bill is shocked to hear that Godric is Eric’s maker.

I sure hope Godric isn’t dead. He’s already ten times more interesting than Sookie and Bill.

Daphne helps Sam close up Merlotte’s and they end up having sex on the pool table. “Nice rack.” “Nice balls.” Lame.

Sookie asks about Barry at the front desk of the hotel and finds out he quit that day.

Tara comes home from work to find Maryann sitting at the kitchen table, reading a book, and I think, wearing one of Grandma Stackhouse’s frocks. Maryann is all understanding when listening to the bad day Tara had – that she caused! Tara says she’s going to talk to Sookie about Maryann and co. staying there.

Sookie tells Bill that he could never be like the vampires they’ve met in Dallas. He wants to slip back to Bon Temps, but Sookie says she gave her word to Eric and they can’t trust crazy vampire Stan to do the right thing. Then they have sex. Do they have sex every episode?

Anyway, while they’re doing it, a woman does a the bitchwalk (though technically, one person does not a bitchwalk make) down the hotel hallway. She can hear Sookie and Bill panting and when Sookie whispers Bill’s name, the woman’s fangs come out. It’s Bill’s maker.