Big Brother 11 – Wedgie, Anyone?
July 10, 2009 by nina
Filed under Big Brother 11
Big Brother 11 started with it’s usual surprise delivery of the keys to the BB house. Each contestant spouts off a stale and corny introduction.
“I’m Nina and this blogger will…. um.. blog… you… out?”
After entering the house and choosing rooms (some unfortunate souls will be sleeping in a bathroom on inflatable pool beds), the 12 houseguests were informed by host Julie Chen that their worst nightmares were coming true. They’re going back to high school! The 12 were broken up into 4 cliques: Brains, Athletes, Popular, and Offbeat.
Chima (Brains) – everything about Chima is exaggerated: her hair, her eyebrows, her forehead, her mouth, her teeth, her smile, her eyes and her fake-ass personality. Also, that weave needs to be about 4 inches lower on her forehead.
She looks like a mash-up of every black girl on every reality show ever. With an extra healthy dose of Tami from The Real World
Oh, and by the way, she’s about to turn 33.
Ronnie (Brains) – If his online bio didn’t say he was married, I would swear picking up his controller is the only action this gamer’s “Wii” gets. His reaction to getting into the BB house was faker than Chima’s hair.
Also, I hate that shirt.
Michele (Brains) – is a neuroscientist but no one in the house knows it. She’s as bland as oatmeal without the milk, butter, and sugar. You know, the good stuff. She claims to be able to spot a lie a mile away. I hope for her sake it’s true because she’s the kind of player that this game usually chews up and spits out, and then chews it up again before pooping it out in the backyard.
Also, I hate that necklace.
Russell (Athletes) – is a douchebag. Anyone that has their friends refer to them as “Russell the Lovemuscle” is a douchebag of the highest order.
Do I even need to talk about the shirt?
Natalie (Athletes) – This girl put the lie in Natalie. She said she’s 18.
Yeah, okay.
Jeff (Athletes) – I suspect Jeff will leave the game early due to testicular strain. All the girls are swinging from his nuts.
Jordan (Popular) – She’s blonde.
There will always be at least one.
Braden – He’s a douchebag
Laura (Popular) – She has the biggest, fakest, tits in reality TV history. Also, what up with having to have a horse-faced chick every season?
If I were playing this season, I’m sure I’d be in either the Brains or the Popular group… but I’d want to be in this next group because everyone knows the true cool kids are the offbeat outcasts.
Lydia (Offbeat) – She’s covered in tats, she’s funny, and she seems really nice. I like her.
Kevin (Offbeat) – My friend Richard asked, “Why does every gay guy on reality TV have to be soooo gay?” I love Kevin! My man walked into the house rocking turquoise pants, and a hot pink and purple striped shirt. He totally called that Natalie was full of it, saying in the diary room, “Honey, you’re 25!” And he understandably cringed when he learned that the show would be time traveling to high school. I don’t think he has to worry. I bet the populars and athletes go after each other first.
He's half black, half Japanese, and all fabulous! He'd SO be my house BFF.
Casey (Offbeat) – Offbeat Casey reminds me of deadbeat DJ Spermdonor. Seriously. They act alike and look alike and Casey is also a DJ. Unlike DJSD though, he has a real job during the day and seems to take care of his kids.
Ugh
Julie informed the houseguests that though they are in cliques, they will be nominated as individuals and evicted as such. BUT, if a member of your clique wins HOH, you and your other cliquemate are safe from nomination that week. They take part in the first HOH competition where they hang from a beam suspended by giant underwear that are pulled up the crack of their asses. They have to hang on to a toilet seat for as long as they can. The last person hanging wins for their clique, but they are not HOH.
One of four previous BB players from seasons past (one representing each clique) will return to the game depending on which team wins the challenge. That player will be HOH. At the end of it all, the athletes win. I call bullshit – a clearly athletic first competition that kind ensures that the mega douchebag below (Jessie from BB10) will return to the game and amp up the drama.
Double Ugh.
Not only is he hard to look at (those muscles are just too big and not hot), but I’m pretty sure he’s a functioning ree-ree.
So, who will Jessie nominate? Is it smarter to nominate two from one clique to minimize the number of people you piss off?
I predict that Jessie and Russell will either band together to form one giant bag of douche OR they will hate each other on sight. I’m hoping for the latter.
P.S. I’m going to try and avoid spoilers and BB After Dark on Sho2 for as long as I can.
Nina is a 34-year-old mother, wife and writer who spends her days blogging, studying, changing diapers and watching ridiculous amounts of TV. She currently resides in Atlanta, Georgia, with her husband, two children and three TiVos.
[...] Previously on Big Brother: Laura tries to use her feminine wiles (read: big tits) to seduce Jughead a.k.a. Jessie, but he ain’t tryna hear it. The other athletes are intimidated by Lydia and want Jessie to nominate her. Ronnie approaches Jessie with a brains/athletes alliance. He likes the idea and considers using a brain as a pawn at nominations to mask the deal. Chima makes it easy for him to nominate her when she goes black girl crazy after her clique loses the food competition. Jessie also nominates Lydia [...]