Big Brother 11 – Wedgie, Anyone?
July 10, 2009 by nina
Filed under Big Brother 11
Big Brother 11 started with it’s usual surprise delivery of the keys to the BB house. Each contestant spouts off a stale and corny introduction.
“I’m Nina and this blogger will…. um.. blog… you… out?”
After entering the house and choosing rooms (some unfortunate souls will be sleeping in a bathroom on inflatable pool beds), the 12 houseguests were informed by host Julie Chen that their worst nightmares were coming true. They’re going back to high school! The 12 were broken up into 4 cliques: Brains, Athletes, Popular, and Offbeat.
Chima (Brains) – everything about Chima is exaggerated: her hair, her eyebrows, her forehead, her mouth, her teeth, her smile, her eyes and her fake-ass personality. Also, that weave needs to be about 4 inches lower on her forehead.
She looks like a mash-up of every black girl on every reality show ever. With an extra healthy dose of Tami from The Real World
Oh, and by the way, she’s about to turn 33.
Ronnie (Brains) – If his online bio didn’t say he was married, I would swear picking up his controller is the only action this gamer’s “Wii” gets. His reaction to getting into the BB house was faker than Chima’s hair.
Also, I hate that shirt.
Michele (Brains) – is a neuroscientist but no one in the house knows it. She’s as bland as oatmeal without the milk, butter, and sugar. You know, the good stuff. She claims to be able to spot a lie a mile away. I hope for her sake it’s true because she’s the kind of player that this game usually chews up and spits out, and then chews it up again before pooping it out in the backyard.
Also, I hate that necklace.
Russell (Athletes) – is a douchebag. Anyone that has their friends refer to them as “Russell the Lovemuscle” is a douchebag of the highest order.
Do I even need to talk about the shirt?
Natalie (Athletes) – This girl put the lie in Natalie. She said she’s 18.
Yeah, okay.
Jeff (Athletes) – I suspect Jeff will leave the game early due to testicular strain. All the girls are swinging from his nuts.
Jordan (Popular) – She’s blonde.
There will always be at least one.
Braden – He’s a douchebag
Laura (Popular) – She has the biggest, fakest, tits in reality TV history. Also, what up with having to have a horse-faced chick every season?
If I were playing this season, I’m sure I’d be in either the Brains or the Popular group… but I’d want to be in this next group because everyone knows the true cool kids are the offbeat outcasts.
Lydia (Offbeat) – She’s covered in tats, she’s funny, and she seems really nice. I like her.
Kevin (Offbeat) – My friend Richard asked, “Why does every gay guy on reality TV have to be soooo gay?” I love Kevin! My man walked into the house rocking turquoise pants, and a hot pink and purple striped shirt. He totally called that Natalie was full of it, saying in the diary room, “Honey, you’re 25!” And he understandably cringed when he learned that the show would be time traveling to high school. I don’t think he has to worry. I bet the populars and athletes go after each other first.
He's half black, half Japanese, and all fabulous! He'd SO be my house BFF.
Casey (Offbeat) – Offbeat Casey reminds me of deadbeat DJ Spermdonor. Seriously. They act alike and look alike and Casey is also a DJ. Unlike DJSD though, he has a real job during the day and seems to take care of his kids.
Ugh
Julie informed the houseguests that though they are in cliques, they will be nominated as individuals and evicted as such. BUT, if a member of your clique wins HOH, you and your other cliquemate are safe from nomination that week. They take part in the first HOH competition where they hang from a beam suspended by giant underwear that are pulled up the crack of their asses. They have to hang on to a toilet seat for as long as they can. The last person hanging wins for their clique, but they are not HOH.
One of four previous BB players from seasons past (one representing each clique) will return to the game depending on which team wins the challenge. That player will be HOH. At the end of it all, the athletes win. I call bullshit – a clearly athletic first competition that kind ensures that the mega douchebag below (Jessie from BB10) will return to the game and amp up the drama.
Double Ugh.
Not only is he hard to look at (those muscles are just too big and not hot), but I’m pretty sure he’s a functioning ree-ree.
So, who will Jessie nominate? Is it smarter to nominate two from one clique to minimize the number of people you piss off?
I predict that Jessie and Russell will either band together to form one giant bag of douche OR they will hate each other on sight. I’m hoping for the latter.
P.S. I’m going to try and avoid spoilers and BB After Dark on Sho2 for as long as I can.
Nina is a 34-year-old mother, wife and writer who spends her days blogging, studying, changing diapers and watching ridiculous amounts of TV. She currently resides in Atlanta, Georgia, with her husband, two children and three TiVos.
Your blog makes me sad that Australians voted to evict Big Brother. Although it did totally suck. Jesse looks like a big penis. I could only look at him outta the corner of my eye. And even though I’ve never heard him speak and don’t know for sure what ree-ree means, I think I can guess from that completely blank look in his eyes. And the drool trail on his chin.
Why is Jordan wearing that top? Did they make her haul it down to nipple level? Or do you think she volunteered? Braden & the Lovemuscle made me throw up a little in my mouth. Disgusting. Did Kali’s dad really look like that? You muct have been drunk for a long time. Nasty. Especially that chain.
Keep up the good work, I wanna know how this goes!
Wait. Australia got together as a whole and decided they didn’t want another Big Brother? That’s kinda awesome.
Yes, he does look like and I’m thinking I might want to look into the possibility that I was slipped the largest and longest-acting roofies in the history of narcotics.
And sweet God, I just noticed the chain!!
There were no roofies, only love goggles.
You’re such a bitch.
RL
I know Im late but I gotta say. EVERY woman walking the earth is gonna have that one penis in her past that makes her cringe. Dems da rules.
I miss Aussie BB too! We need it back!
You MISS IT??? What do you miss about it? The inmates, scraped right from the BOTTOM of the barrel? The ’surprise’ twists? Gretel and her hideous outfits? And teeth? C’mon, after excessive alcohol consumption was banned it went straight downhill. And turkey slapping – what’s wrong with a little turkey slapping amongst friends? Even if one of those ‘friends’ is holding another ‘friend’ down while the other gives it to her…
I miss laughing at them. And writing cruel blogs about their behaviour. And fantasising about how good it would be if it became Big Bloodbath!!!
OMG. That description of the Aussie house proves that if you put people in a cage, they will act like animals.
I miss laughing at them too, and having discussions the next day at work about them! Gretel was great for it, with her crazy botoxed face. They should never of put Kylie and Jackie O on there and banned booze.
“giant bag of douche” Lol!!!
“functioning ree-ree.”<—THIS is one of the many reason I love to read you!! LOL
when I say shit like that to people in my everyday life, they look at me very strangely…..lol
I was going to use the full-blown word, but I didn’t want to offend people.
And you know I’m right! That boy is “special.”
“functioning ree-ree” ! I snarfed my water. Thanks! I also think he looks like a D*** w/ ears, henceforth Jesse is known in my household as Dwee.
I’m so freakin happy big brother is back!!!!!!! So far I like Jordan, Lydia, and Kevin. I really wanted Jessica to come back. I know she got on a lot of people’s last nerve, but I like her. I watched some of the videos on cbs.com of these people answering fan questions and most of them are complete douchebags. I’m predicting Chima to be the first to piss everyone off. Laura reminds me of red leotard girl (can’t remember her name) and why the hell did Natalie lie about her age??? She’s gonna have to lie about tons of things to keep that one lie going and that’s just going to trip her shit up. She seemed okay until she showed how stupid she is. I’m going to ignore the fact that you dated someone like Casey…let’s never speak of it again. Now I’m off to read some spoilers cuz I have no self control.
You are thinking of Jen from BB8.
Cheryl, your whole post cracked my ass up.
HATE HATE HATE JESSIE! We were not happy about him coming back.
Chima looks like an algae eater sucking on the side of an aquarium. She already gets on my nerves.
She totally does! And when she laughs her face just gets very ugly. How does she not know this? She should never laugh again. For real.
Chima looks like Naomi Campbell’s genetically flawed daughter.
I will not watch it damnit.
Don’t be a pussy.
Yes you will!!! Tuesday, Thursday, and Sundays! BB is gonna be all up in your TV!
Chima’s eyebrows scare me!
I like the gay guy, Jordan and Jeff so far. The old guy is annoying and the Tae Kwon Do chick is cocky. Its early though..so we will see. Laura’s tits aren’t fake..they aren’t firm enough to be fake and they sag.
The whole clique thing is kind of lame if you ask me.
Why they have to bring douche back…I hope they get his ass off of there SOON!
I will take your word for it cause you’re a tit expert.
Chima’s eyebrows are soooo 1995. I’m serious. I need to find one of my old Glamour Shots and show you that I had eyebrows like that, but it’s okay… cause it was 1995!
I like Jeff too and Jordan seems ok. Natalie is going to be real annoying. I can tell.
Yaaaaaay! Your BB Blogs are one of the best things about Summer!!!! I was praying last night that you would be blogging today.
I love Kevin! I also like Lydia and Jordan. I hope, as a fellow North Carolinian, that I don’t sound like Jordan when I speak. I know I sound country, but damn!
Tara I know! I was SO waiting for this today. I love Lydia so far. Chima annoys me and I didn’t dislike Michele until she kept talking about how smart she is. Ugh. Would much rather have seen Jessica back on the show. I’m assuming she and Eric have burned out – does anyone know? Thanks in advance…
I was so excited for the Big Brother premier last night that I hosted a dinner/ viewing party. I cooked my ass off for 2 days and pigged out with my sisters and cousins. I think the high school theme was pretty creative and I can see how the season can degenerate REAL QUICK. I can NOT stand Jesse, AKA dickwithears DWEE. I hope he is the first to go because he already had his chance. For entertainment purposes, I like Kevin, but Lydia also just seems cool. I hope the neuroscientist stays in the game a bit because it would be nice to see a normal person for once. Meanwhile my cousin said about Joran “Why does her mom have to keep telling her, ‘No Boogers?’ She must be a big skank if she has to remind herself not have sex on TV.” LOL – And what is up with horsetoothlongboob???? Does anyone need that much fake titty? She should have spent some of her plastic surgeons money on getting a dentist to file down her teeth.
ok when Braden introduced himself with “…like braidin’ your hair” I thought ‘gee wonder how many times he has had to say that in his lifetime?”
they better have some brainy competitions too…
i wanted Cowboy back in the house for no other reason than he seems like he needs the money…
“…but I’m pretty sure he’s a functioning ree-ree.”
Line of the day.
It’s looking like it’ll be a good season. I can’t get the after dark here so I just follow along with the regular shows. Doesn’t boob woman look like unitard Jen?
You forgot to mention that Julie Chen came on wearing a dress that clearly indicated she’d been lied to. She came out there thinkin’, “Hey, wait a minute… this isn’t Dancing With The Stars on Cha Cha night!”
Bwahahahaha! I think I blocked her out. The benefit of watching delayed on TiVo. I just FF thru her parts.
Lydia is by far my favorite so far. Also, Braden had nude pics leaked out online before he even entered the big brother house! He was on a gay show called “Dante’s Cove” and had full frontal. He also has this cheesemo video online that you have to see to believe. They are all on a site called ‘omgblog.com’ just search for braden bacha.
I threw up a little in my mouth when I realized Jessie was back. Ick.
Also, who is your ep1 pick to win? I say it’s between Natalie and Michelle.
Yeah, I watched. I’ll keep watching. But I’ll be damned if I ever pay to get teh feeds again. Takes up too much time, don’t get sleep, etc. Miss ya, Nina! I’m applying to be on a new reality program myself in the next couple days; they want to make an “American Chopper” for locksmiths. I blogged it, you know where to find me if you want to read the details. We have a shot. And if Jesse James got Sandra Bullock, I’m shooting for Neil Patrick Harris myself.
LOL You’re hilarious, Nina! I stumbled upon your website after doing a Google search on Chima’s weave [I was sure someone else had something to say about that!], and I found what is now my favorite blog
Woohoo, thanks!
She knows she should have gotten a better weave than that going on national TV!
Chima looks like a real life Bratz doll.
This year, we’re lucky enough to have a comic book geek who think he’s in a comic book. It’s almost like a real life Deadpool, except, he’s not really in a comic book. He has the Wolverine beard thing and when he’s angry he genuinely stalks about growling gruffly. Bizarrley, although from the front he has the Wolverine hair, there is a ponytail at the back in some sort of weird mullet tufty combination thing. Odd.
http://www.channel4.com/bigbrother/housemates/marcus.html
xx
I also meant to say, in Marcus’ intro/audition tape, big Brother asks him if he is a geek, and he responds with ‘No, I’m not a geek because everything i do is fucking heroic.’
Genius.
xx