Big Brother 11 – “Go Make Jessie a Sandwich.”

Previously on Big Brother: Ronnie got called out for being a weasel. Everyone wanted him gone. But when Jessie got HOH, he put up Jordan and Michelle. Michelle won POV and took herself off the block. Everyone outside of Jessie’s clique assumed that Ronnie would get back-doored, but Jessie put up Casey instead. Natalie and Lydia fight over Jessie. Kevin came up with the brilliant idea to save Casey so he can gun after the athletes, but like all good ideas in the Big Brother house, it was quickly discarded by the house of idiots.

And now…

Julie announces that tonight the cliques will be broken up AND a new power is unleashed on the house. Ooooh! Poor Casey sits in the nomination chair wearing the banana suit he’s been forced to wear all week. Oh, the humiliation.

Casey realizes that there was little shock or outrage at his nomination. Jeff looks really hot in glasses. (Not really relevant, but it needed to be said.) Jordan points out that the only reason Ronnie is still around is because he’s Jessie’s little bitch. Suddenly, I have a new respect for Jordan… even if she can’t tell time.

Lydia sneaks into the HOH room while Jessie is sleeping and just stares at him while he sleeps. In the diary room she confesses that she likes to watch him sleep and that she hopes he’s thinking about her.

OK, that bitch is creepy.

Jordan admits that she won’t campaign because Casey has a big mouth and will most likely sink himself. Man, how could I have misjudged her so badly?

Casey tells Kevin that he’s sad that everyone is acting like Jessie’s sheep. Kevin asks if he thinks he can get enough votes to stay. Kevin doesn’t want the athletes running the show. Casey points out that Lydia loves Jessie too much to flip.

“He can be laying in bed with another bitch and she’ll make him breakfast.”

True dat.

Casey puts doubts in Russell’s head that he is the low man on the athletic totem pole. He suggests an alliance between the two of them and Jeff. Russell seems open to the possibility.

Next, we have to listen to Jeff and Jordan’s families gush over what a cute couple they make. NEXT!

Then, Julie questions the houseguests on the events of the past week. When she tries to press Natalie and Lydia on the tension between them, they pussyfoot around. Proving she’s no Jeff Probst, Julie lets it go. LAME!

When she talks to Jessie in the HOH room, he plays dumb too which isn’t really hard for him. Again, Julie lets it drop because she sucks.

Casey and Jordan each give a “please don’t evict me” speech. Jordan’s is all sugar and spice and everything nice. Casey, on the otherhand, goes out like a gangsta. He thanks BB for choosing him. He apologizes to his family.

Then he calls Ronnie a dorkopotamus and says Jessie is a self-absorbed and wears smedium clothes!! Holy shit, that was funny. He also says that Jessie has a personality and IQ of a banana. It is probably the best speech ever. Chima can’t even front cause she went on her own little tangent two weeks ago.

It’s vote time. Everyone votes to evict Casey except (surprise surprise) Russell.

As Casey leaves he tells Jessie his word ain’t shit. Jessie doesn’t respond, but Natalie starts yapping at Casey’s ankles.

“What are you his pitbull? Go make Jessie a sandwich!”

GOD! Why does he have to go? He’s awesome.

Lydia hugs Natalie and calls her, “little pitbull.” Fake-ass bitch.

Julie announces to the house that the cliques are disbanded and there’s a secret power up for grabs. America will vote who receives it. The power has to be used within the next two weeks and can only be used once. The only way to guarantee your safety is to get HOH or Veto.

The power, Julie tells America, is the Coup D’etat. The power allows you to replace one or both nominees before everyone votes.

Everyone, vote for Jeff!

The new HOH competition begins. The houseguest sit on boards suspended in the air. They are spun around and hit with a giant diploma which looks like a giant penis. The first five people to drop get to pick an envelope with a secret prize in it. One has money. The last person standing gets the new HOH!

Woohoo!

Good Housekeeping and Dippin’ Dots

I’m entering a short story competition for Good Housekeeping magazine. Actually, I’m entering a handful of writing competitions over the next few months, but this particular one was the topic of conversation as I drove to the library the other day. Donny was in the passenger seat.

“So, I’m entering this short story competition for Good Housekeeping…”

“What kind of story?”

“Well, it just has to be something that affects women today.”

“Oh. Cause I was gonna say, you don’t know anything about housekeeping.”

“Donny! You’re supposed to support me! You’re supposed to say that I am a talented writer and that because of that, I can write about anything! Even things I know nothing about… like… housekeeping.”

“Well, they say to write what you know.”

“Shut up.”

***

I don’t like walking under those hanging TVs in Walmart. I worry that one will fall, konk me on the head, and kill me instantly. It’s not like I walk around Walmart purposely dodging them and cringing, but when I’m aware of them, I scoot my ass over.

So, Donny, Kali, Jack and I were in Walmart the other day and Kali was pushing Jack in the shopping cart.

“Don’t push him under that TV. Let’s walk around.”

“Mommy, why do you do that?”

“Cause I’m scared that one day the TV will fall on my head.”

“Well, how come Daddy just did it?”

“Daddy can take his own life in his own hands, but I choose not to walk under them and I don’t want you guys doing it either.”

“What Mommy is really trying to say,” Donny chimed in, “is that she doesn’t care if it falls on my head because if I die, Mommy will be rich.”

***

During this same shopping trip, Donny walked past a refrigerator and exclaimed, “Dippin’ Dots! And they’re only a dollar!”

Actually, they weren’t Dippin’ Dots. They were bootleg Dippin’ Dots. Hence, the cost. So, we grabbed two. One for Kali and Jack and one for Donny. I refrained because I’ve already lost 14lbs and I’m not sabotaging it for some broke Dippin’ Dots.

The other night Donny and I were sitting at the kitchen table. I was on my laptop writing, he was eating the faux Dippin’ Dots, Kali was watching TV in the living room and Jack was walking around the kitchen being awesome. Donny leans over and puts a spoonful of Dippin’ Dots in my face.

“Would you like some balls in your mouth?”

And then he looked really pleased with himself.

“You think you’re funny? Well, I’m putting this in a blog and your mother is going to see it! Now. Is it still funny?”

Apparently, it was. My husband laughed so hard, it was silent. His eyes were squeezed shut and his dimples flashed. His head was thrown back and his shoulders shook with joy.

I actually thought the generic Dippin’ Dots were gonna come through his nose. It was a really nice moment.

Nina’s Top Ten Failed TV Show Ideas

As I prepared a spreadsheet of the new fall shows I’d be programming into my three TiVos (don’t judge me), I found some interesting shows that didn’t make the fall line-up. Did the networks make a mistake? You decide.

10. Made Off With Your $ – A new reality show centered around convicted Ponzi scheme scammer, Bernie Madoff (pronounced Made-Off) as he adjusts to going from the penthouse to the big house. The pilot revolved around Bernie and a misunderstanding with his new cellmate; a big black guy called M.T. (Meat Tenderizer.) – (MTV)

9.  Two Guys, A Girl, and a Pregnancy Test – Judd Apatow brings his unique brand of humor to the small screen. Stacy has two one night stands within days of each other. When both the responsible Tom and the party boy Chad decide to move in with her until they can figure out who the daddy is, hilarity ensues. (ABC)

8. More Bootay To Love – Motivated by complaints that dating shows ignore the overweight and minorities, FOX decided to mix things up with a Bachelor-style reality show pairing up overweight black couples.

7. Where in the World Is Michael Jackson? – Yet another reality show (hey, they’re cheap) obsessed with celebrity. This time, a dead one. All this controversy over where The Gloved One will be buried has sparked a group of ghost-hunter style adventurers to track down the corpse once and for all.(The CW)

6. So You Think You Can Whittle? -  The search for America’s Favorite Whittler begins! A panel of expert judges scour the country to see who can really handle their wood!

5. Sex - Knowing what sells and in a desperate attempt to garner controversy-driven ratings, NBC airs the closest thing to pornography that the FCC will let them get away with. No plot, just constant love scenes back-to-back… and front-to-t0… and…

4. Big Brother: West Virginia – Twelve people in one house constantly followed by cameras. Eight teeth between them. One major twist – the people who hook up are not related! (CBS)

3. America’s Got Talent – Washed up has-been “celebrities” like David Hasslehoff and Sharon Osbourne serve as judges to the millions of Americans who think balancing plates on your head and whistling the National Anthem through your nose makes you talented. …. Oh… wait. (NBC)

2. Touched by An Uncle – CBS, hoping to cash in on the popularity of Law and Order: SVU, came up with their own crime-fighting unit dedicated to children sex crimes.

1. Are You Smarter Than Sarah Palin? - Every episode, every week, the answer is yes.

Have an idea for a top ten? Email it to nina@blogitoutb.com

BIOBaby: Ball!

Yesterday, Jack had his nine-month checkup. But, Nina, you’re thinking, he’s almost a year old. Yes, it was late but I took the first appointment I could get.

When we were finally seen (you wait forever), the doctor asked, “So, is he getting around okay?”

“Oh, yeah. He walks, he climbs off and on the bed and sofa, and he can climb up the stairs all by himself.”

She looked at me like I was lying.

I pressed on because really, I didn’t like the look on her face. “In fact, he’s been walking for two months.”

Her smile said, “That’s nice,” but her eyes said, “Liar, liar, pants on fire.”

“How is his comprehension?”

“He’s really smart. He understands that remotes need to be pointed at televisions in order to have an effect. And when we remove the batteries so he can’t change the channel, he looks in the back to see if the batteries are there when the remote won’t do anything.”

This goes on and on. The more I tell her how awesome my kid is, the more she looks like she doesn’t believe me. She asks about his vocabulary.

“Some stuff he pronounces better than others, but he says Mama, Yaya for Dada, Bella, thank you, and ball.”

As she stares at me waiting for my nose to grow, it hits me.

“So, when should I think about giving him cow’s milk.”

“You have time. I’d say when he’s a year.”

“Well, you know he’ll be one next week, right?”

She looks at his chart, at the computer screen, and then finally back at Jack. No wonder she thought I was lying!

***

Jack loves to play ball. It’s funny because when Donny comes home that’s the first thing he wants to do and he calls for the ball like it will suddenly pop out from its hiding spot and yell, “Here I am, Jack!”

True Blood – S2E6 “Hard-Hearted Hannah”

Previously on True Blood: Sam discovers that Daphne is a shapeshifter. Hoyt’s grandmother hates on the fact that Jessica calls Hoyt late at night. Lafayette gets his job back, but doesn’t tell Sam what happened to him. Tara tells Maryann she can’t move in. Sookie agrees to go undercover at The Fellowship of the Sun. Sarah seduces Jason. Tara agrees to let Maryann move in after she orchestrates a very bad night for Tara. Eric admits to Bill that Godric is his maker.

And now…

Eric sucks on a blood prostitute in the hotel lobby. He gets annoyed when she wants it too badly. She tries to pretend not to want it, but she can’t pull it off. That’s ’cause Eric is HOT!

Lorena, Bill’s maker, arrives and Eric admits that he didn’t think she’d accept his invitation.

And we have credits…

Sookie and Bill are kissing in bed (gag) when Isabel arrives with her human lover, Hugo. She wants Hugo to accompany Sookie to the church. Hugo says he’ll do it because he’d do anything for Isabel. Sookie reads his thoughts and comfirms to the whole damn room that, yes, he does love Isabel very much.

And I’m all, “Bitch, did anybody ASK you?!” God, I hate Sookie.

In the lobby, Lorena wants to know why she’s there. Eric says that he needs Bill out of the way because he wants Sookie. He says that Sookie is more than a human.

She’s a twit.

Lorena wonders why Eric thinks she’d even have Bill back – she hasn’t seen him in 70 years. Eric says he hasn’t seen Godric even longer than that and he’s still fiercely loyal to him.

Lorena has a flashback to Chicago 1926. They’re at a party where Bill is singing and playing piano. Lorena approaches a couple and pretends to be European. She offers herself and Bill up for a little swinging action after the other party guests leave. The couple agrees. The wife is all atwitter when Bill comes over and introduces himself with a fake-ass French accent.

At Merlotte’s, Sam and Daphne kiss on the pool table. He asks about the scars on her back and she says that something jumped her, but she couldn’t see what it was. The doctors said she was lucky to be alive. Sam tells her that he has told Sookie about him, but that they’ve never been intimate. Daphne thinks that it’s important that people really know who they are. Sam is pussy-whipped.

Tara calls for a pump for the broken water heater at the Stackhouse house. Eggs tries to fix it while Carl gives Maryann a foot massage. Maryann is cranky because she can’t take a hot shower. Tara finds a place with the pump, but it’s two hours away. Maryann tosses Tara her keys, but refuses to let Eggs go with her. Tara comes up with some b.s. reasons why she needs Eggs to go and Maryann finally agrees.

That whole scene just proves why all the supporting players are so much more interesting and entertaining than Bill and Sookie.

At Jesus Camp, Jason and Luke are tasked with building a platform. Sarah is real shitty to Jason because she’s guilty over that bath-time hand job. Steve tells them that the platform is for a ceremony in which a vampire is tied to a cross before dawn and left to roast as the sun comes up.

At the hotel, Sookie and Hugo get to know one another. They agree to pretend to be an engaged couple and that Hugo will do all of the talking. They compare, “We screw vampire” notes and Hugo says that Isabel shuts down whenever he brings up her turning him. He makes Sookie face something she hadn’t realized before – she will get old and Bill won’t.

Tara and Eggs are on the road when he suddenly is able to point out what’s ahead without seeing it. He swears he’s never been on that road before, but he seems to know where he is. He makes Tara pull over and walks into the woods. She follows confused.

At Merlotte’s, Arlene tells Terry they’re going out later and that she has a surprise for him. He says he doesn’t like surprises.

Andy approaches Lafayette in the kitchen. He wants to know what’s wrong with Lafayette. He says Lafayette has lost some of his pizazz. Lafayette claims to have been on a gay cruise for the last two weeks. Andy reasons that if Lafayette had been on a gay cruise, he’d have come back with more pizazz, not less!

Sweet God, EVERYONE on this show is stellar EXCEPT Sookie.

As Andy badgers Lafayette, Lafayette cowers on the floor having flashbacks to his time in the basement. He no longer sees Andy, but Eric in Andy’s clothes with Andy’s voice accusing him of killing Ms. Janelle. Terry comes in and puts a stop to it. He orders his cousin out and reminds him he’s not even a cop anymore. When Andy leaves, Terry takes Lafayette in his arms and talks him through his panic attack.

Hoyt’s Grandmother and her friend are dining in Merlotte’s when Hoyt storms in. She had his cell phone shut off because of the calls he’s been receiving from Jessica. He panics because Jessica might think he’s ignoring her. He puts his foot down and reveals that Jessica is a vampire. I love Hoyt!

Sam approaches Daphne and tells her that they should ditch work, shift, run and play and have sex under the sun. She agrees. They skip out without anyone noticing.

At Jesus Camp, Luke admits that it was jealousy that caused him to make accusations about Sarah and Jason. He convinces Jason that he should practice abstinence. Luke likens adultery to incest, beastiality, and homosexuality.

Sookie and Hugo arrive and when they meet Sarah, Sookie forgets everything they agreed on and does all the damn talking. Sarah offers a tour and a meeting with Steve. When they meet with Steve, they claim to need a new church because the pastor of their old church was a vampire sympathizer… and possibly a homosexual. While they talk Sookie hears Steve’s thoughts as he wonders how the platform is coming along and how he can’t wait to bring the vampire up from the basement so he can get what he deserves.

Lorena has another flashback to Chicago in the 20′s when she and Bill kill the couple and have sex in their blood.

Tara and Eggs have been walking for 45 minutes when they come across a clearing in the woods. Eggs says he has been there before. He doesn’t remember it, but he feels it. There are clothes all over with blood on them, a burned out fire pit and blood on a rock. A lot of blood. Eggs is freaked out.

Sookie and Hugo continue the tour, but Sookie realizes that Sarah and Steve are on to them when she reads their thoughts. Gabe arrives and Steve says he’ll be joining them for the rest of the tour. Ruh-roh.

Andy is drinking and driving when he sees a pig and a dog in the road. The pig is the same pig from Maryann’s house and when Tara ran off the road. Andy chases them, but they get away.

Sam is the dog and Daphne is the pig. Sam wants to know why she became a pig and she said it’s her go-to animal. He also points out that it seems like Andy recognized the pig, but Daphne brushes it off before going down on Sam.

Pam shows up at Merlotte’s and corners poor Lafayette in the freezer. She says that they need him to be back in the V-selling business. He nearly shits himself.

On the church tour, Steve wants to take them to the basement to see the tomb of his father. Sookie and Hugo are nervous, and Sarah tries to talk Steve out of it but he insists. Gabe and Steve force Hugo and Sookie into the basement. As Sookie screams, Bill awakens in the hotel room, but he can’t rush to her rescue because Lorena is there. She overpowers him and refuses to let him up. Apparently, because her blood is in him and she’s his maker, she is stronger than him.

They continue to force Sookie and Hugo in the basement and Steve calls Sookie a cunt.

Tara and Eggs return to the Stackhouse house and find it a mess. They follow a trail of clothes to the woods behind the house where they find a big old orgy going on. Arlene and Terry are having sex, the coroner is there with his woman, and a bunch of other people. Everyone has those black eyes. Men play music while Maryann dances around a fire. Carl seems unaffected as he watches the whole thing. Maryann notices Tara and Eggs and just smiles.

Hoyt surprises Jessica at the hotel with flowers. She’s happy to see him and they kiss.

Jason goes to the church looking for Steve and Sarah. He finds Sarah alone on the balcony. She’s crying and he goes to find out what’s wrong. She complains about Steve. Jason defends him cause he feel guilty about the handjob. Sarah tells Jason that Steve is using them to start a war with the vampires. She alse seems more offended that Steve uses “the c word.” Sarah says she was meant to be with Jason. She convinces him that God wants them to be together and they have sex on the balcony.

So much for abstinence.

Daphne leads Sam through the woods. He hears the drums and doesn’t want to go further. Two people jump out from the woods. They’re possessed too. They grab Sam and drag him to the orgy. He sees everyone, including Tara and Eggs having possessed sex. Daphne tells him it’s the end of the road.

She walks over to Maryann and puts a bull’s head mask on her while Carl holds a big ass knife. Sam screams.

True Blood airs Sundays at 9pm on HBO

All Night Long

Every summer Kali’s sleep pattern gets thrown out of whack. I allow it. Maybe I feel guilty for not being able to afford summer camps (not that I’d allow her to sleep away from home) or fancy family vacations. (Once Mama graduates and gets a J-O-B that will change.)

That may have something to do with it, but the main reason I allow it is because I remember the magic of staying up all night. When I’d visit my father in the summer, I did it many times. Hanging out in his basement after everyone had gone to sleep was how I discovered Elvis, The Beatles and Jimmy Stewart movies. More importantly, it’s where I discovered my favorite author Ed McBain. When you’re a kid, breaking night somehow makes you feel all grown up. It’s during those times that I did some of my grandest dreaming and plotted some of my most ambitious adventures.

Staying up all night is one of the few times you have the house to yourself as a kid. You know, without the whole “child neglect” involved in leaving kids home alone. I remember the fun of it and I don’t want to begrudge Kali that.

Of course, times are different and with satellite cable and the internet I have to be more vigilant in what she’s doing while the rest of us slumber. A quick history check of the web browsers shows that she (and my little sister) are more interested in Twilight fan fiction than Jimmy Stewart movies, but whatever.

As school time approaches, I slowly start to get her back on a normal schedule. Today, I made her get up at 9:30am to go with Jack and I to the doctor (she went to bed at 1am.) That beats the down at 6am and up at 4pm schedule she was on a few weeks ago.

She has never had a problem bouncing back once school starts so I’m not worried. If she wants to build pillow and blanket forts in the summertime, and read Maniac Magee and Tales of  a 4th Grade Nothing until the sun comes up, I’ll allow it. There will be a time, before she knows it, when she won’t be able to enjoy such luxuries even during the summertime.

Do your kids sleeping habits change during the summer? If so, do you find it difficult to get them back on track once school rolls around? What are some of your favorite breaking night memories from childhood.

Me and My White Man

My ex-husband was black. Well, I’m sure he’s still black, he’s just not my husband anymore. I remember being about 17 and coming home telling my stepmother and sister about him. We were in the car and when I mentioned that I liked him, my stepmother asked which guy I was referring to. See, I had recently met two guys with the same name among the same circle of friends – one white, one black.

“The black one,” I replied.

“That’s funny because your father and I were just saying the other day that we’ll have to get used to the idea that Nina will bring home little white grandbabies.”

And then me and my sister laughed.

Up until that point, my romantic experience consisted of two boys; one black, the other Puerto Rican. I can only guess that their assumption came from my posters of white boys and my unfortunate New Kids on the Block fascination.

It was never a conscious decision to date a white boy. The heart wants what the heart wants. Once it wanted the cute guy from Trinidad in finance at IBM for a few months, then it wanted the nerdy, bespectacled, slightly balding white guy in IT. Don’t laugh, he was cute and nice… with a nice car.

One of the great things about my husband is that he “gets it.” We can discuss and joke about race, but he understands that the world outside our little bubble isn’t always so nice and tolerant. He isn’t one of those white people that thinks that minorities overreact. He knows that all over this country there are white people who, to put it nicely, still ain’t acting right.

I wish every white person had a black person (and vice versa) that they could openly discuss race with. I feel sorry for people who don’t see things beyond their corner of the world with no real opportunity to confront biases and misconceptions.

Donny and I didn’t have a big discussion on race before getting married. For all my worldly experience, I didn’t occur to me to even question whether or not his extended family would take issue with his marrying a black woman. We’ve spent the majority of our marriage living in close proximity to my family. Time, money, and distance make it hard for us to interact with his. He fits in so well with my family – a mix of blacks and hispanics.

I wonder if sometimes he forgets that I am black as I often forget he is white. You don’t have time to think about color when you’re wondering if the other remembered to set the alarm, pay the cable bill, or pack the kid’s lunch. You can assume that every couple listens to Nine Ince Nails and Jay-Z on road trips.

You can assume the world is as open and colorblind as you are until the day you can’t. Like the day our house was on the market and a potential buyer (white male) took one look at me, and with a look of disgust on his face, walked out the house. Or the days you get funny looks in Walmart – though, to be fair, most Walmart shoppers are funny looking.

Over the past year and a half Donny has really made me proud with his willingness to put himself in the shoes of other, see things from all sides, and speak out when confronted with blatant racism. I think it’s particularly important that my husband not be blind to the racism that exists in this world because he has biracial children. I may not always be here and it’s crucial that he’s able to prepare them for the world. A world in which, to some, they won’t be black enough and not white enough for others.

True Blood S2E5 “Never Let Me Go”

Previously on True Blood: Bill pulls a cockblock move on Hoyt and Jessica. Tara moves into Sookie’s house while she goes to Dallas to help Eric figure out what happened to Godric. At Jesus Camp, some members question Sarah’s intentions towards Jason. Maryann throws Tara an orgy/birthday party at the Stackhouse house. Daphne claims to know what Sam is.

And now…

Daphne makes Sam follow her in the woods all the way claiming that she can tell he’s been carrying a secret. She strips naked and disappears behind some trees. When Sam catches up, he finds a fawn… and I throw up in my mouth a little. Daphne is the fawn.

And we have credits… and Jack does his little humping dance cause he loves the song.

Sam freaks out and wants to know how Daphne knew about him. She tells him she saw a dog jump in the water and it popped up Sam. She tells him he’s not alone anymore and they start to kiss. They’re interupted by Arlene and Terry who were sneaking away to make out.

Um, didn’t her serial killer fiance just die like, a month ago?

In Dallas, Sookie chases Barry the mind-reading bellboy down the hallway. He doesn’t want to talk about it, but she’s a pain in the ass. She wants to swap mind-reading stories and he’s not tryna have it. He tells her he doesn’t know what kind of candyass vampires they have in her town, but Dallas vamps ain’t no joke. Sookie claims to have badass vampires in Bon Temps too.  Uh, no. You have pussy-whipped vampires in Bon Temps. Barry runs off begging Sookie not to tell anyone what he can do. She pouts and flounces back to her room. God, kill her already!

In the hotel room, Bill yells at Jessica for ordering a prostitute. When Sookie comes in she lies about why she left the room. He tells her that she shouldn’t wander off because apparently, he knows that Dallas vamps are badass too. And, proving my earlier point, he allows Sookie to change the subject the moment she starts rubbing up against him and making goo-goo eyes. Aaaaand, vomit in my mouth again. Ugh.

Jessica calls Hoyt and it’s really sweet until his old ass mama comes in yelling at him for having a girl call so late. They decide to watch TV together over the phone. Awww, I remember those days. Sweet. Hoyt starts telling Jessica about the comic book he’s reading too.

At Jesus Camp, Jason is awakened at the ass crack of dawn by a Jesus Drill instructor. He and the other soldiers are made to do jumping jacks and push-ups like it’s boot camp.

Tara wakes up from her wild night with Eggs. She looks at the framed pic of her, Sookie, and Grandma Stackhouse. Call me crazy, but that’s kinda icky after screwing like a porn star in her house. Eggs wakes up and Tara tells him how good of a woman Sookie’s grandma was. Why are you guys talking about an old dead woman?!

Sookie sneaks out of bed the next morning and goes down for the continental breakfast. She sees Barry and wants to start talking about their ability. He begs her to leave him alone. He looks at it as a curse. Sookie offers to teach Barry how to control his ability when he complains that it drives him crazy, but he turns her down. Will she leave the poor man alone?

Bill is upset when he finds out Sookie snuck off again. She opens her big mouth and tells him about Barry. He’s worried that the more people that know about her ability, the harder it will be to protect her. He’s salty because he’s responsible for her and Jessica, but they make their own decisions.

At Merlotte’s, Arlene gives Daphne a hard time. When Sam shows up he wants to know why Daphne ran off. She says she always needs a run after a change. Lafayette shows up and everyone is happy to see him. Sam takes him in the back room and wants to know what happened to him. Lafayette doesn’t offer up answers, he just wants his job back.

At Jesus Camp, Jason and the others are being put through it! When one recruit drops out, Jason tries to encourage him on while Luke makes fun of the guy and runs ahead.

Tara goes to the kitchen and discovers Maryann cutting up fruit. She and Carl slept over. Tara is surprised when Maryann says that she, Carl, and Eggs need a place to stay. The house they were living in doesn’t belong to Maryann, but to a client that was out of the country but he’s back now. Tara tells Maryann that they dont’ gotta go home, but they gotta get the hell up out the Stackhouse joint. SHE is a guest, she can’t be inviting other people to stay. People that Sookie doesn’t even know. Maryann looks like she’s about to cry and leaves the room. I guess it’s better than pulling out her minotaur claws and ripping Tara’s scalp off.

Tara goes into the other room where Eggs is playing the guitar and asks him why he didn’t tell her that he, Maryann, and Carl are a bunch of nomads. He tells her that they all look out for each other and that if her idea of family wasn’t so fucked up, she’d recognize that they took care of her too.

At Jesus Camp, Luke can’t make it over a fence because he’s too tired. Jason steps up and helps him over. Sarah Newlin creams her panties. Jason is a true SOG. That’s Soldier of God, you heathens.

In Dallas, two other vampires (Stan and Isabel) meet with Eric, Sookie, and Bill. Stan wants to just take out the whole church, but Isabel insists they need a plan.

Sarah and Steve argue over something he’s doing with the church that she doesn’t approve of. She’s annoyed that the drill instructor (Gabe) knows more than she does. Jason comes in and Steve takes him off alone to show him something few people have ever seen. Sarah isn’t happy.

Steve shows Jason a weapons room with vampire-specific weapons.

Maryann and Carl pull up outside of Merlotte’s and she instructs Carl to keep the car running. She closes her eyes and starts some who-doo voodoo. Everyone in Merlotte’s starts arguing with each other and there’s lots of “fuck yous.” Maryann tells Carl they can leave, her work there is done.

At the Newlin house, Jason is taking a bath when Sarah comes in and locks the door. She offers to help him bathe. As she runs a loofah up his arm, she explains that Mary Magdeline washed the feet of Jesus and dried him with her hair. Jason points out that Mary was also a hooker. Sarah says that after all his hard work, he needs a reward. Apparently, his reward is a hand job.

Isabel and Stan bicker like kids. No one can agree on a plan. Sookie offers to join the church and go under cover. Eric likes that plan. Bill pulls him aside and wants to know why he’s willing to do all this for Godric. Flashback a few hundred years and Eric is dying on a Viking battlefield. Godric, a young boy, appears at night and kills Eric’s men, but offers him eternal life because he admires what a warrior Eric is. Bill is shocked to hear that Godric is Eric’s maker.

I sure hope Godric isn’t dead. He’s already ten times more interesting than Sookie and Bill.

Daphne helps Sam close up Merlotte’s and they end up having sex on the pool table. “Nice rack.” “Nice balls.” Lame.

Sookie asks about Barry at the front desk of the hotel and finds out he quit that day.

Tara comes home from work to find Maryann sitting at the kitchen table, reading a book, and I think, wearing one of Grandma Stackhouse’s frocks. Maryann is all understanding when listening to the bad day Tara had – that she caused! Tara says she’s going to talk to Sookie about Maryann and co. staying there.

Sookie tells Bill that he could never be like the vampires they’ve met in Dallas. He wants to slip back to Bon Temps, but Sookie says she gave her word to Eric and they can’t trust crazy vampire Stan to do the right thing. Then they have sex. Do they have sex every episode?

Anyway, while they’re doing it, a woman does a the bitchwalk (though technically, one person does not a bitchwalk make) down the hotel hallway. She can hear Sookie and Bill panting and when Sookie whispers Bill’s name, the woman’s fangs come out. It’s Bill’s maker.

Nina’s Top Ten Annoying Tweeters

I know from my conversations with some of you that you still have no idea what Twitter is, how it works, or why it’s so addictive to some. Let me try to explain before we get into the top ten list. Twitter is nothing more than a constant stream of status updates. If you follow me (neenerspb) you will see anything I choose to share throughout the day. Like:

@neenerspb is cleaning up baby poop

@neenerspb hasn’t written a blog this week because life got in the way

@neenerspb is watching Two and a Half Men… someone kill me!

Such updates are called Tweets. You can only see the tweets of the people you follow and vice versa. But you may end up seeing someone’s tweet through a re-tweet. If you’re not following KeMari, but you follow me and I re-tweet something funny that she’s written, it will look like this:

@neenerspb: RT @KeMari: Nina is so awesome. I am lucky to have her as a friend.

I think a good tweeter has a decent mix of:

a. the mundane

b. the interesting

c. the personal

d. the funny

e. and some self-promotion

As with all things social networking, there are disadvantages. Like, if you find yourself following the people on this list.

10. Celebrities – I’ve always said that Myspace, Twitter, Facebook, and the like have made the world a lot smaller – and that’s a good thing. But some celebrities have missed the whole point of online interaction. I follow some that NEVER respond to “the common folk.” Instead they tweet a constant stream of “look how funny I am” and “look how great my life is.

Also, aren’t you already rich? In a time when everyone is struggling to pay their monthly bills, do you really think it’s appropriate to pander and beg people to buy your new perfume or comic book?

Not all celebrities suck at tweeting. Jon Favreau is awesome. Not only has he responded to me and others, but he shared tweets all throughout the shooting of Iron Man 2 and included the occasional on-set photo via Twitpics. John Cusack is wickedly funny and responds to damn near everyone.

A friend said that following me and Donny on Facebook is like following Ashton and Demi on Twitter. Except I hope we are a little less annoying. OK, we get it. You’re both ridiculously hot and in love. Enough.

9. Social Media Experts – I mean, really. How many social media experts does one need in one’s life? I have one. Kevin a.k.a Obi Wan Kenobi of the internet. He guides me and reminds me to update WordPress and install plug-ins. He helps me understand and obey social networking etiquette. And he does all of this while only making me feel like a ree-ree 45% of the time. Everyone else can beat it.

8. Inspirational Tweeters – You know those desk calendars that have a quote from like Ghandi or MLK on every day of the week? Well, inspirational tweeters sit at their desks all day long tweeting a week’s worth of inspirational crap.

“You have to love yourself before others can love you.”

I hate you.

7. People Who Use All Caps - Are you that excited to be on the internet? I’m looking at you, Diddy.

6. Sexy Tweeters – When will people learn that trying to be sexy is never sexy? Purposely saying sexually explicit things and dropping sexual innuendos in EVERY tweet doesn’t make you provocative, it makes you slutty. And annoying.

5. People Who Complain About Spoilers – Look, tweeting has become a way for people to share experiences over long distances. If you’re not watching something that is generating big buzz online, then it might behoove you to log off the internet for a few hours. You can’t expect the masses to conform to your late ass.

That being said, I try to be as spoiler free as I can in my tweets about the lastest movie or television episode… for the proceeding 72 hours anyway. After that, all bets are off.

What do you think is an appropriate amount of time to discuss spoilers online?

4. People Who ReTweet Stuff About Them – Before we go any further, I am COMPLETELY guilty of this. If someone sends me a tweet like…

@neenerspb I love your blogs. They make my day.

… I’m retweetig that shit. Why? Because you should know how awesome I am.

3. Unverified ReTweets – Check and make sure that what you’re retweeting is actually interesting. Also, make sure that it’s not offensive so that you can include that in your retweet. The last thing you need is someone opening up “Cakefarts.com” at work.

2. Religious Tweeters – I may need Jesus, but I don’t want to find him on Twitter.

1. Negative Tweeters – Nothing annoys me more than someone whose every tweet is about their latest ailment, family fight, or overall drama. Seriously, no one wants to hear it. Harsh, but true.

So, what are your Twitter pet peeves?

BIOBaby: Facts About Jack

You know how a boxer goes to his corner after each round and gets a squirt of water from his trainer? I think that’s going to be Jack. No, he’s not gonna be a boxer – I’d kill him. Instead, I imagine Jack at 8 playing T-Ball and running over to the bleachers where I’ll whip out a booby and give him a little pick-me-up before sending him back into the game.

Yes, here we are a few weeks shy of his first birthday and I don’t think this boy will ever stop nursing. He loves it. No, really. He LOVES it! He loves to nurse from one and fondle the other. While he’s eating he will rub the other breast, play with the nipple and squeeze it. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out which part of the female anatomy will have his favor when puberty strikes.

He’s also fascinated with remote controls. Is it any wonder a child of mine loves TV remotes? What makes it so funny is that when we’re in our bed, he will actually lift his arm really high when pointing the remote at the TV. It’s like he knows he needs to line it up with the sensor on the cable box in order for it to work. What makes it not so funny is his dual fascination with batteries. I have three remotes in my bedroom… and two batteries. You do the math.

Almost a year and I’m still not used to baby wood. The other day I went to change Jack’s diaper and he had a little boner. Except it wasn’t so little.

“Oh my God! Donny!”

“That’s my boy!”

“Here, you change him.”

I tossed a baby wipe over his little business and it was like I just pitched a mini tent. A little baby powder scented tent. Baby boners make me uncomfortable.

His vocabulary now consists of:

Ma – when he’s really upset.

Ya-Ya – Dada

Bella – damn dog

Ball

Tan-Yow – thank you

He’s a genius.

Jack likes to climb the stairs, play catch, and dive off of furniture. He loves bananas, Mum-Mums (look ‘em up), Cheerios, and spaghetti.

His internal clock tells him when it’s Friday and therefore “Daddy time” for the weekend. From Friday night to Sunday night Jack is all about his Daddy… and that’s just fine with Mommy.

Ever since he was a few weeks old, Jack would kick the covers off. He still does it. No matter how cold it is in the bedroom, if he is aware of the blanket, he kicks it off. I have to sneak like a ninja to keep him covered at night.

The biggest fact about Jack as he turns one is this: he will not be getting a haircut for his first birthday. I don’t believe in a haircut just because he’s one. He’s still a baby and I’m in no rush to have him look “all grown up.” He’s not. Donny wants him to get a haircut. As I type this he and Jack are at the store. I wouldn’t be the slightest bit suprised, albeit very pissed, if they returned and Jack had a haircut.

And now, without further ado, because I don’t want y’all to think I’ve been lying. My baby walks and has been doing so since he was 10 months old.

And yeah, I’m making fun of Donny’s sagging jeans.

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