Rescue Me – Season 5 – Epis. 1 & 2: Baptism & French

Previously on Rescue Me: Tommy has been sober for almost a year. The new chief has Tommy on his shit-list for messing with his daughter. “Black Sean” has eyes for Tommy’s daughter, Colleen. Tommy and his wife split… again. Michael’s mother dies. Tommy’s father dies at a ball game sitting next to him.

And now…

After the funeral service for his father, Tommy stays behind and goes white boy crazy on the coffin with an axe and sets it on fire. But… it was just a fantasy he had while sitting at the table in Valerie’s (Gina Gershon) place. They snap at each other. Well, that relationship has gone well.

And we have credits…

The guys are clearing a burning building when they find a sleeping homeless dude that tries to stab Franco for his troubles. Franco knocks him on his ass. They hit a dead end, and while they’re trying to clear a way out, boxes of fireworks start to explode.

Sitting around the station house’s kitchen the guys ponder which they’d rather lose in a fireworks accident; one ball or one eye. I think one ball wins.

Tommy drops by Janice’s place unannounced. He has a present for Wyatt. I thought Sheila was Wyatt’s mom? Anyway, Tommy suspects that she has a guy there and she does. It’s her new boyfriend, Michael J. Fox! He’s a little douchey and he kinda busts Tommy’s balls about being a firefighter – and maybe only fighting fires once or twice a month. Janice ushers Tommy out before he can put his foot up MJF’s ass.

Michael wants to give away his inheritance he got after his Mom died. Franco and Sean tell him he’d be an idiot to give it away. Sean suggests Michael buy a bar. He offers to be the brains while Michael is the money. Franco will be the brawn ’cause he’s big and Puerto Rican. Dumbass Michael agrees.

At an AA meeting Tommy complains to his brother about Dwight (Michael J. Fox)

Tommy and Valerie try role-playing sex, but she’s not into it. Why are they together? More importantly, where did she get those awesome Christian Louboutins?!

Tommy calls Colleen. She rushes him off the phone. She’s in bed with Black Sean. He wants to tell Tommy about them, but she doesn’t think it’s a good idea. She’s hard to look at. I don’t get this relationship either.

The Chief has been really nice to Tommy, and it’s kinda weird. Sheila calls Tommy. She wants to see him, but he refuses… until she says someone called her from HQ regarding Tommy’s section eight (psych evaluation.) He goes to see her.

They meet in a restaurant. He gets annoyed when he think she’s texting while talking to him… she’s taking notes for her psycho/drama/acting therapy class. She tries to explain what that means while Tommy stares at her tits. She swears that the therapy isn’t about Tommy. Cut to her in therapy and it’s TOTALLY about Tommy.

I love Sheila's crazy ass.

Black Sean goes to Lou for advice about Tommy/Colleen. He totally guesses that he’s seeing Colleen. Black Sean says they haven’t had sex yet because once he has sex with a girl he usually bounces. The next ass he taps, is the ass he’s going to marry. Lou tells him that Tommy is gonna kill him.

Dead man crawling

Tommy sits around watching home movies with his brother, sister, uncle, etc. Everyone has nice things to say about his dead Dad, but Tommy is silent. They press him and he tells them that they shouldn’t be talking about the Dad like he’s saint just because he’s dead. He never told him he was proud of him. He never said anything encouraging. He goes on about the dog Bootsie that was shat in the pantry, but was lauded after she died.

Tommy’s cousin, Mick the priest, is piss drunk in the church while a baptism is going on. Tommy takes him for a walk. Mick cries over Bootsie the Pantry Shitter. Mick blames Tommy for his falling off the wagon because he kept bringing up Bootsie the Pantry Shitter. I’m about to fall off the bed if they say that one more time.

At the station house, Sean, Michael, and Franco tell Tommy about the bar idea.

The chief tells them that a journalist will be coming to talk to them. She’s writing a 10th anniversary book about 9/11. They’re not enthused. They get a fire call.

While in the burning building, Sean falls down the stairs and has to be carried out. The hydrants are dry so they’re forced to let the building go. From outside they notice someone on one of the upper floor signaling for help. Tommy tries to run back in, but they won’t let him. The person is swallowed up by the flames.

Damn!

Episode 2: French

Tommy finds Mick at a bar staring at a glass of whiskey. He says he’s going to drink, but control it. He wants Tommy to take a sip and then he won’t get shitfaced, but he will if Tommy doesn’t take one sip – he doesn’t even have to swallow.  Tommy starts to take a sip and Mick smacks the drink out of his hand and then smacks him in the face. He tells Tommy he has to be stronger. he’s not gonna let TOmmy use his slip up from the other day as an excuse to drink. He slaps him again just because it felt so good the first time.

And we have credits… “Come on, come on!”

Black Sean is at work waiting for Tommy. He’s nervous. He gets pissed when he realizes that everyone knows about him and Colleen.

Franco, Sean, Lou, and Tommy compare notes in the who has masturbated the most in one day. Franco leads at 7 and Tommy aint’ saying. He talks about a kid from the neighborhood who claims to have done it 17 times in one school day – the last time, just air came out. Michael calls it a cock fart. The chief comes in to find them saying “Cock fight, cock fart” five times fast. The French lady is there to do her 9/11 interviews. They don’t have to talk to her if they don’t want to. Michael interrupts to announce he bought the bar.

They all meet the journalist, Genevieve, and then get called out to a fire. While they’re loading up the truck after putting the fire out, Black Sean tries to talk to Tommy. He starts talking about unexpected events and taking responsibility. Tommy has no idea what he’s talking about.

Back at the house, Sheila shows up with a little black girl. She’s her big sister. Her therapist suggested she do some community service. When the girl calls her out for liking Tommy, it’s time to go.

Franco is the locker room talking to Genevieve. He thinks 9/11 was a neo-conservative conspiracy. After a long ass speech, he tries to hit on her.

Michael shows the guys the bar he bought – it’s a dump. At one point, it was a lesbian bar. Sean and Franco worry that the pussy vibe is all wrong. Michael says he wants to call it Lumberjacks and make it look like a log cabin. Sean and Franco kinda like the idea. Tommy thinks it’s gay. Lou leaves for a date. Tommy gets a call from Cousin Eddie. Teddy isn’t doing so well – down because of Tommy’s Dad’s death.

Lou is having dinner with Genevieve. He tells her about finding only a finger of Tommy’s cousin in the aftermath of 9/11. He has a breakdown at the table talking about his feelings since then.

Tommy, Teddy, and Cousin Eddie are at a strip club. Teddy is upset over losing his older brother and refuses a lap dance. Even the stripper tells him to lighten the hell out. Teddy lays into Tommy for not showing any emotion over his father’s death.

Lou sees Genevieve to a cab. He apologizes for the breakdown. She’s all business and gives him two kisses on the cheek goodbye. When he kisses her back, his mustache is rough on her face. She says that’s why she never gets involved with men with facial hair.

At the station house, Tommy talks about having to help with the Lumberjack bar and then he has an appointment for his Section Eight (psych eval.) Lou has shaved off his mustache. Mick shows up with a guy from the AA meetings, Derek, and tells Tommy that Derek needs a sponsor. Tommy doesn’t want to do it. Mick pulls him aside, Tommy still doesn’t want to do it. Black Sean interrupts, but still can’t tell Tommy about Colleen. Tommy ends up being Derek’s sponsor, and Derek ends up calling Tommy 40 minutes later to be talked out of going into a bar. Swell.

Genevieve wants to talk to Tommy, and he tries to blow her off. She’s presistent and Tommy mocks her book. He doesn’t think her book is going to help. He talks about the real people that were affected. He calls her a hot piece of foreign ass.

Tommy drops by on Janice who’s in the shower. Dwight is on the couch and puts his hand out for a shake, but again Tommy refuses. He’s annoyed that Dwight won’t get off the couch to shake his hand.  He challenges Dwight to “take it outside.” When Janice comes down, Dwight asks her to get his chair. Thinking he’s getting a weapon, Tommy threatens to get a book. Turns out, it’s his wheelchair. Tommy is only slightly backing down when he realizes Dwight can’t walk. Dwight; however, is still ready to roll. No pun intended. Janice pushes Tommy out.

Tommy is surprised to hear that Janice and Dwight are having sex. Outside, she tells him that Dwight gets erections at random times and they have sex when that happens – and the sex lasts a really, really, really long time. Back inside, Dwight is dragging himself across the floor when he gets a hard-on.

Lumberjacks is ready to open, but Tommy can’t stay to celebrate because he has to find the outcome of his psych evaluation. Tommy wants to say things that need to be said. He tells Sean he’s a moron and he proved it for marrying Tommy’s sister. Michael is the king of the morons. Franco could solve all the world’s ills if he put his pussy-chasing energy into something positive. He doesn’t know Black Sean well enough to judge him, but he will anyway – he’s sure he sucks too. Lou is horrible with women and a lush. And then he leaves.

Sheila calls a meeting with the Big Sister lady, Mrs. Berg, because she’s sure her little sister, Kalina, has stolen her iPhone. The iPhone starts ringing from the couch cushions. Sheila feels stupid. Mrs. Berg and Kalina get up to go. Kalina calls Sheila a dumb bitch.

Derek calls Tommy as he’s going into his meeting. A woman crashes her car right as Tommy is gonna go in the building. Tommy pulls her from the car just as it explodes.

In the evaluation, the doctor brings up Tommy dressing up in his dead cousin’s gear and fighting fires with a crew on another shift. Damn, Tommy is crazy. Tommy tries to explain himself, and kinda comes off as crazy. The doctor clears him to go back to work. Tommy is surprised. The doctor says Tommy is definitely crazy, but he’s needed and you kinda gotta be a little crazy to do that job. As revenge on Chief Feinberg, he’s sending Tommy back to work.

Tommy goes to Lumberjacks with his good news, but the guys are still pissed. Black Sean tells Tommy about him and Colleen.

Tommy’s in bed with Valerie and asks her to do a French accent. It’s a really bad French accent. BUT she has those damn Louboutins in bed with them and I can’t concentrate on anything else.

Franco calls Michael and tells him to get his ass down to a bar on 84tha nd Amsterdam. It’s a bar that looks just like Lumberjacks! Franco calls him an asshole and leaves.

Rescue Me airs Tuesday nights at 10pm on FX