Nina’s Top Ten Most Embarrassing Situations

April 8, 2009 by nina
Filed under Nina's Top Ten

Some of these are general, and some are specific incidents that pertain to me. All are downright cringe-worthy.

10. Denied!

When you try to pay for something with your credit/debit card, and it’s declined. Then you have to do that, “I don’t understand. I know there’s money available/in the account,” speech. And no one around believes you. They should! It’s not like you were trying to pass a check. Anyone that presents a credit/debit card truly believes that it will be accepted. No one chooses to put themselves through that experience on purpose, right?

This hasn’t happened to me in years. Why? Because I don’t play that shit. I always check my bank balance before leaving the house to shop. Always. Don’t use credit cards anymore. I spent a lot of my 20′s being embarrassed due to poor money management skills and shitty luck. Also, I’m not tryna have that shit happen with my kids around.

“Mommy, I thought we were getting groceries.”

“Not today, baby. We don’t really need to eat.”

9. Out of the mouths of babes

Speaking of children… when your kid says something they shouldn’t… in public… loudly.

Standing in the cereal aisle. “Mommy, did you just fart?”

A few years ago, Kal and Donny were checking out of Best Buy. He was purchasing a few video games.

“Does Mommy know you’re buying all this stuff?”

What’s worse is when they repeat something they’ve heard around the house in public.

“Mommy, you know how Daddy is always saying he’s gonna backhand you?”

(Donny does threaten this, but he’s totally joking. I think.)

The last time this happened, Kali made me sound really bad. We were going to my parents’ house for my nephew’s first birthday party. Due to procrastination, we ended up at Walmart down the road from their house an hour before the party buying his presents. We picked out some clothes and some kind of toy. Kali, way too excited, kept picking up things she would like. She handed me a pink Care Bear and I told her no, we’d already gotten Elijah enough things. When we got to the party, she told my stepmother, “I wanted to get a bear for Elijah, but my mother said we’d already bought him enough.”

Now, that’s what I said, but when she said it, it made me sound like a cheap-ass auntie!

8. Bodily fluids rearing their heads at inappropriate times.

I remember being a kid and traveling on the train to and from school with some neighborhood kids that I hated. One girl in particular was a big ole bitch. She was a tomboy and really mean. She was awful to me and highly intimidating.

One day, we were on the train and I had a runny nose. I was standing in front of her holding on to the pole while she, and some of our friends, sat. It was hard to be a part of the conversation because looking down did nothing to stop the snot flow and I had to keep sniffing. Then, I felt a river of snot making it’s way down my nostril and I couldn’t stop it. It was like the whole thing happened in slow motion.

It was a like a big fat raindrop and it landed right on mean girl’s shoe. And she noticed. And she said something so that those hadn’t noticed, would. She was a cunt like that.

“You just gonna leave that there on my shoe?”

God, I hated that bitch.

7. Snarting

Snarting – When you sneeze and fart at the same time.

The only thing worse than snarting is…

6. Sharting

Sharting - When you go to fart, but end up… well, you know.

5. What’s That Smell?

Speaking of shit…

There once was a girl that had to poop really badly, but she couldn’t do so without having something to read. Butt clenched tightly, she scrambled to find something, anything, that she could take with her to the bathroom. She finally found a TV Guide and rushed to do her business.

Hours later, her husband came home and complained that the bathroom still smelled of poo. A vigorous search revealed that in her haste, Poo Girl, had managed to get some poo on the lip of the sink.

I swear, it’s not me.

4. When are you due… be do be do… *whistle*

Never, ever, enquire about a woman’s pregnancy unless you are 100% positive she is pregnant. And by that I mean, you can see the baby emerging from her vagina. Other than that, keep your mouth shut!

Once, when Kali was like 2, we took her to The Picture People to have her portrait taken. While we waited for our turn, one of the young girls working asked me, “Do you know what you’re having?”

I thought she meant did I know which package we were going to buy or which background we wanted to use. So, I said, “Not yet, we’re still deciding.” It wasn’t until I saw the look of confusion, then mortification, on her face, and the complete look of horror on her co-worker’s face did I realize what she meant. We all just kinda pretended it hadn’t happened.

For the record, I was sitting on a stool and my sweatshirt puffed out making me look bigger than I was. But it was still freakin’ embarrassing.

3. Remember that time… wait. What? That wasn’t you?

Don’t you hate when you start telling a story in which you’re reminiscing with someone, and you’re talking to the wrong someone? Well, that’s particularly messed up when it’s your significant other/spouse.

And even six more shades of wrong when it’s something that suggests that you were a totally different person.

“Honey, remember when we got caught having sex in the back of my car?”

“Um, no.”

“Sure you do. We were out by that old field and it was raining…”

“No.”

“Come on! And then the cops showed up and your foot was hanging out the window and he shined his flashlight right on your ankle tattoo.. and wait… you don’t have an ankle tattoo.”

2. Hi, don’t I know you?

That isn’t just a really bad pick-up line.

Nothing makes you look like more of a tool than striking up a conversation with someone thinking they’re someone else.

And the number one embarrassing situation?

1. One word:

Queefs.

What embarrassing stories can you share that fit into one of the categories above? What about another situation?

Have an idea for a Nina’s Top Ten? Send your suggestion to nina@blogitoutb.com and you just may see it here one Wednesday with a special shout-out to you and your brilliance… made even more brilliant by own.