Dirty Bird
April 20, 2009 by nina
Filed under Mommy Monday
Can someone please, please, please tell me what my child has against washing her ass?
For reals.
What is this sudden aversion to bathing? It’s like she’s allergic to water. And soap. Is she like the Wicked Witch of the West (or East, I forget) and will dissolve into a puddle of goo should water touch her person?
Did I miss something? Where did my excited-to-have-a-clean-ass child go? We never had this problem before. We couldn’t get Kali out of the tub before. The water would be cold and dirty and she’d be begging for just, “Five more minutes,” so she could continue being a mermaid or Olympic swimmer or whatever fantasy she was in the midst of when the call to get out came.
Now, I have to trick, remind, and threaten her to wash her butt! I used to be that way. I remember hating my stepmother because she was the only one hip to my game of closing the door, sitting on the edge of the tub, sticking my hand in the water to make splashing sounds, and then coming out ten minutes later dry as a menopausal cooch. She began staying in the bathroom with me and bathing me! I was probably around Kali’s age when this happened. (10) Back then I used to think she was just mean. Now I see that she just had my own best interest at heart… and probably her own as she didn’t want to get carted off when the people came for my mother and father for neglect.
Thinking back, I have no idea what my problem was. Why did I hate bathing so much? It’s not like I liked the alternative – stinking. So, what gave?
I think part of it with Kali is thinking that she’s going to miss something. My little sister lives with us (she just turned 12 last week), but Kali is still operating like this is a visit. “I want Bruklyn to sleep with me.” “Girl, Bruklyn has her own room to sleep in. She’ll be here in the morning!” My mother just told me last night that sometimes Bruklyn will hang out with Kali while she takes a bath. That’s right. Kali will get in my garden tub to bathe while Bruklyn sits on the edge with her jeans rolled up and her feet in the water like she chilling on a pier. What the shit?
And even with my own history as prologue, it still didn’t occur to me that I have to check behind Kali after she gets out of the tub…. at least not until last week when I happened to really look at her.
“What’s that on your neck?”
“What?”
“That! Is that… dirt?”
Sure enough – right at that part of your neck where they would stick the ink tube in if you couldn’t breathe on some primetime drama and all they had to save your life was a pen, a knife, some tape, and their breath – Kali’s neck was dirty. Really dirty.
“Didn’t you take a bath?!”
“Yes.”
“Didn’t you wash your neck?”
“I think so.”
“Do you think you used water and soap or just air and good intentions?”
“Huh?”
“Girl, go take a bath and this time scrub your neck before I get arrested for neglect. Look like you wearing a scarf of dirt.”
My mother was standing at the kitchen sink in tears with laughter.
It aint’ funny, y’all. I don’t like this one bit. I don’t like sending her to brush her teeth before bed, but her finding that her breath smells like hot garbage when she goes to kiss me goodnight. I heard the electric toothbrush whirring! I heard the water running! Why are you pulling one of my old numbers on me? Why don’t you, for the love of God, want to be clean?
I keep warning her, “You’re not gonna be happy until someone embarrasses you in school. Trust me. You don’t want to have someone say, ‘What’s that smell? Kali, is that you?’”
I have now vowed to be the bath/teeth Nazi. I will do surprise bath inspections. I will montior the occassional bath under the guise of, “Isn’t this a lovely time to catch up and talk about our day? Yes, Mommy will just sit right here on the edge of the tub and talk… and watch.” I will do a teeth check after so-called brushings. I will inspect the lady parts if I have to.
I’m not tryna have the people come knocking on my door ’cause Kali insists on going to school looking like a street urchin.
Nina is a 34-year-old mother, wife and writer who spends her days blogging, studying, changing diapers and watching ridiculous amounts of TV. She currently resides in Atlanta, Georgia, with her husband, two children and three TiVos.
I went through the same thing around 10-11. But at this point in my life I had just become charged with washing my own clothes, making my own lunch, picking my own outfits etc… (Well I had been doing that since I was eight.)
So I was always in some weird rush in the morning and being on that threshold of now having to remember to wear deodorant(Teen Spirit) on top of doing my own hair. There were a couple of months where I bathed but not brush my teeth or forgot or god knows what else when you are doing in elementary school.
Weird times as a tween.
So, what you’re saying is, you were too busy to wash your ass? Well, Kali ain’t got many responsibilities and nowhere to go except school. She better start washing that ass!
I remember hating my stepmother because she was the only one hip to my game of closing the door, sitting on the edge of the tub, sticking my hand in the water to make splashing sounds, and then coming out ten minutes later dry as a menopausal cooch…..LMMFAO!! Girl you’re giving me flashbacks…lol.
Gavin is the same. If I don’t tell or remind him to take a bath or shower, that brotha wouldn’t bathe.
I agree, I think as kids we thought we were going to miss something.
She gonna miss white teeth and a clean ass if she don’t start bathing!
I went through the same thing. It was my aunt who finally busted me at my grandma’s house. Talk about being embarrassed!
For me, it was more about not wanting to get wet and be cold.
I choked on my coffee at “scarf of dirt.”
Nina, this is our payback for all the shit we pulled at that age. I am constantly asking my kids why they spend more time trying to convince me that they actually washed their hair or brushed their teeth than to actually do it! Then I remember, I used to do that too.
And so, like you, I have to do hair, teeth and body inspections. And I dread the day that one of them actually gets teased at school because kids are cruel and it’s hard to live that shit down….but maybe then they’ll listen to me!
My brother went through that stage. I am sure his was far more foul.
“Jon, did you just drink apple juice? Straight up from the container?”
“How’d you know?”
“Because, it smells like you held it between your ass, instead of your hands. Go take a damn shower.”
LMAO!
The “kids will make fun of you” threat worked for me. I think it only happened once where I refused to brush my teeth. The threat of public humiliation was enough.
I do not look forward to this phase in life. At 4 and 6 and a half my children still love to bathe. They are at the *stay in the water until it turns into an ice block* phase. My biggest complaint so far is them putting their nasty ass water in their mouths. I keep telling them not to, but still keep catching them doing it. GROSS! I may need to switch them to showers if i can’t break the habit!
Your blog triggered a memory. I can’t remember exactly how old I was, thinking no older than 10, anyway I went to spend the night at my cousin’s home. She was over my house all day, she and I playing. Her mother picked us up. When we got to their house she told her to go take a bath. Katrina was all for taking a bath but not my ass. I told her lets pretend we took a bath. She obviously new to this, ased me how. I told her we’re going to run the water, make splashing noise, wet our wash clothes and towel to make your mom think we bathed. We stayed in the bathroom probably 30 minutes or so. We put on our pj’s and was in Katrina’s room on the floor talking when her mother came in just checking on us. Then she asked us, did we take a bath? We both answered yes. I’ll never forget this…her mother said, “if you took a bath, why are the bottom of your feet dirty? My eyes got big as the sun. I looked at the bottom of my feet and they looked like I was playing in dirt all day. I never played that trick with her mom again. She made us both go take a real while she stood there…lol.
Menopausal cooch! Love it.
I can’t remember if I was a bath-shy girl, but I remember my brother was obsessed with wiping his shitty arse up the walls for a short time. Seriously! My mum wanted to kill the dirty little shit, especially as it meant she needed to redecorate. Can you imagine a guest asking “What’s THAT on the wall?”
“Oh, it’s just a little shit!”
LMAO.
“Do you think you used water and soap or just air and good intentions?”
Hahahaha.
I HATED taking a bath also, it got so bad that when I finally would, there would be a dirty ass ring around the bath tub. On top of all that, it’s not like I was just regular day dirty, I was digging in the dirt and playing with bugs dirty. The dirt was thick behind my ears….ewwwwww.
My grandmother finally start embarrssing me and telling me I stunk around my older cousins. I jumped in the shower real quick after that, then I got into the “What the hell are you DOING in there” phase, where I took 2 hour long showers.
LMAO.. “the what the hell are you doing in there phase?”..LMAO so sad but true
Me too. hahahahahahah. When I started caring what boys thought I used to take long showers. Steaming up the bathroom. My grandmother use to send me to the store for something small and I would have to bathe and put on something nice and do my hair. lol
good luck with that!!
I remember being like this and I have no idea why, since it took less time to shower and brush my teeth than it did trying to get out of it.
I’d say it was my sister’s turn to shower first and then be fake asleep when it was my turn, I’d say I would shower in the morning and then not have enough time or I’d just whine. Dirt ring around the neck.. a friend of mine her mom pointed hers out in front of a group of us girls and it was embarrassing, I remember going home and making sure I didn’t have one. That had to have been the turning poit for me. Must have been hell for my mom, I know I’m not looking forward to it with my girls.
We outgrew it, I’m sure Kali will too… next it’ll be the total opposite and you’ll be wondering why it takes her so long to get ready.
I remember one day on the playground the neighborhood girl and I were playing together. A group of girls come circling around us cus they don’t like her and I’m guilty by association. The ring leader of the group starts trying to pick a fight. I was a scrawny little thang so, I’m scared that we’re going to get beat down. My friends starts trying to argue back and when she opens her mouth she makes it worse. Not only is her breath smelling like hot ass and garbage her teeth were caked with butter (plaque). So the bully girl takes that as her opportunity to embarass the girl even further. I couldn’t have been more happier when the teachers on duty came to see what was going on in that circle.
Don’t tell anyone but when I was about 10 or 11 and my grandmother was away I went the whole week and a half without a bath. I think I brushed my yeeth a couple times but not much. My cousin ratted me out as soon as my granmma walked through the door.
How gross was I? I look back now and can’t believe how stupid I was was. i tried to be so slick and it really did waste more dodging the bath than bathing. lol
Luckily for me my kids aren’t at that phase…..YET. I do get the occasional I did brush my teeth or wash my face. But, when I check it’s not done or done right. My girls are 7 & 5 and like to take showers. They like to slip-N-slide in the tub. I do go up randomly and check 2 make sure they have soap on their bodies. They never know when I’m coming so, they know to just wash their butts. Sometimes when I don’t do the random soap check I will inspect them. I spell random parts of their bodies to ensure they did actually wash. Usually it’s an armpit or their back. Somewhere I know they must’ve washed up or it wouldn’t be clean.
Our biggest fight in the house is the lotion. My kids are what are called redbones (bright complexion). I guess sometimes they can’t see the ash on their legs. I don’t know what the problem is, but they feel they can go without putting on lotion. One day I had picked them up from school and my daughters legs were soo ashy. When we got home her dad asked where she had been playing at. I said that’s not dirt thats ash. It was such a hot mess.
lmaooooooooooooooooo. My daughter is the same way. Ash to the bone. lol
I bought you you own case of lip gloss why oh why is you lips chapped. lol Use it.
I swear you live in my house. lmaoooooooooooooooooo
I now check the wash rag. if its wet.
Check the soap. if its wet.
Check the bottom of the feet. for dirt.
Check the toothbrush. wet or not.
I make my daughter wipe her “self” with a baby wipe to see how clean she really is.
“but I just finished bathing.” “Go do it again.and again if you have to” I have all night. Ok don’t worry I’m coming to do it for you. Ouch that hurts. You
‘re scrubbing too hard. Then you didn’t do it right the first time.
Don’t just put paste on the toothbrush and rinse. Count to twenty on each side of your mouth while brushing before washing out your mouth. I’m watching.
I feel like a detective. lmaooooooooooooooooooo I was the same way at that age so I know. I didn’t just run the water. I went in the tub splashed myslef with water and let it run. If I had all the time for that why didn’t I just soap up at the time? lol. No clue. I was stupid.
Then after she gets out of the tub I have to say: Lotion up. Put on deodorant.Put vaseline on your lips, they dry. lol Don’t just lotion your face but your WHOLE body. lol Did you lotion your feet? Yes? Then why are your knees white? lmaoooooooooooooo And on and on and on.
Drama in my house. I can’t wait for it to be over.
I make my daughters say their ABCs when they brush their teeth or wash their hands before they can rinse.
My mother had a 2-minute egg timer in the bathroom and she would come in, distribute toothpaste to our brushes, and turn the timer on. We weren’t done brushing until the timer went off. I don’t remember either of us having an aversion to taking a bath, but we used to have to holler when we were about to get out of the tub and we’d get the old inspection. Behind the ears, back of the neck, hair, etc. If we didn’t pass inspection, we weren’t getting out yet.
LOL this reminds me of my old habits. When I was around Kali’s age, I hated showering but I loved baths. So I made it a habit to come home, eat, do hw, bathe then sleep, so then in the morning I wouldnt have to shower, just brush teeth/hair and go.
Now well… I shower daily, usually in the morn, and well if my best friend in red comes thru then make that 2/3 showers daily lol
I think everyone pretty much goes thru these phases. I know my mom used to inspect me with a white silky towel. AND SHE USED TO RUB HARD. She was like if theres a spec of dirt on me, Im going back in… and she used to dunk me back in. I swear I shouldve called BCW
I have you tried to get her to shower instead of bathing?
Othewise, I’d let her stink until someone else says something to her….humiliation goes a long way in changing habits. As long as she’s not a health hazard to herself…let her be dirty.
She won’t shower. She’s afraid of it. Which is crazy.
I keep telling her she’s not gonna be happy until someone calls her out.
My poor baby’s getting to be famous for the wrong reasons.
My 13 yr old SON hated to take a bath. We’d have to literally drag him kicking/screaming into the shower. NOW he never wants to get out, he’s taking 45 minute showers. My husband says he’s playing “monkey” in there…lol.
scarf of dirt!!! lol.
i always had the opposite problem. it got so that my mom had to time me in the shower and once the timer was up i’d be yanked out-no matter what. it only took once or twice of having left over suds in my hair before i learned and kept under the time limit.
LMAO @ the image of you as a child splashing your hand around in the water as you sat on the edge of the toilet
Sometimes I read a book while doing that.
Again, a woman after my own heart
)
OMG GIRRRRRRL!
James is 10 and plays sports. That kid stinks to high freeakin HEAVEN. Does he go take a bath. Of course not. I watched him sit on the edge of the tuba and wash his toes and fingers one day and try to call himself clean.
Those were the areas i checked when he 1st started bathing himself. Nasty nails freak me OUT!
It is an age thing.
For Shelby is only lasted a few months. Then she got sick of me telling her she was to dirty to sit on the furniture or go out in public.
I hate getting wet. Always have, always will. Still gotta bathe though. It’s a chore but just another part of being human.
I have friends that talk on and on about how much they love long hot showers…and yet they smell like a foot. Now, who are they kidding? I even have one friend who went on medical stress leave recently because her boss kept telling her she smelled. Instead of taking leave, why not just take a bath? (ps. she also shares a toothbrush and deodorant with her two grown but still live at home kids. And yes I have told them ALL how gross that is).
Deodorant? Maybe. Toothbrush? WTF?!
off topic but not sure where to post general comments. (don’t hate me)
went to whole foods.
key lime graham cracker gelato= heaven
pint of fresh strawberries= didn’t even need to buy gelato because they were so delicious.
had another, “thanks nina,” moment that yes that phrase does exist in our household. any time sig. other and i play a game, or watch a video or try a product we have been known to say, “thanks nina.” he thought i was nuts at first-but it’s caught on.
anyway-thanks nina!
You’re so welcome! Leave comments wherever. Or just email me at nina@blogitoutb.com.
Donny loves that key lime graham cracker gelato. I didn’t try it. Maybe this weekend.
your stepmom says she would also check your soap to see if it was dry.
just curious as to how many of your readers actually know who “The People’ are ahahahahahaah
At some point when I was a child, I began visioning sharks circling around in the bathtub. Scared me to death. I still finished my baths because I wanted to be clean, but I did it in a hurry…and I eventually just started taking showers. In the pool, it made me a very fast swimmer because I would get freaked out imagining shark and hippos in the pool…
My duaghter is doing that too. The other day, I smelled this funky odor and realized that it was her. I asked her if she took a bath and she said, “Yes”. I turned to her and said, “Then how come you smell like you just ran a marathon, did you use deodorant ?!?”
I don’t get it !!! And she isn’t brushing her teeth properly. I thought I was over having to sit there and monitor teeth brushing !