BIOBaby: The Well Visit

I hate taking my kids to the doctor. I always have. Besides the obvious fear that one day the doctor is going to tell you that there’s something really wrong with one of your children, I just find the whole experience one big collosal pain in the ass. Mainly, because I’m forced to be around other people and their children and I hate other people and their children. I really do.

When your baby is sick he’s already fussy and cranky. Now, I gotta deal with that around a bunch of other fussy and cranky children and to make matters worse, I run the risk of catching whatever your child has. I don’t mind catching my own baby’s sick, but I don’t want your kid’s cooties! I don’t even want to look at your kid. Stop letting your snot-nosed kid come up to me in the waiting room! I wouldn’t like your kid when he’s well, I damn sure don’t like him with goo coming out of his nose

The process sucks too. We all know that it’s all about the sign-in. Don’t matter what time your appointment was scheduled for, or what time you got there, or which doctor you’re going to see, it’s all about who signs in first. I will knock a pregnant woman holding a sick toddler down a flight of stairs to sign in first. For reals. And then I head to the “Well” side to wait for my kid’s name to be called. Even if he’s not “well.” Don’t look at me like that! Ear infections are not contagious! Why should he sit amongst the nasty? When he did have a cold, I just went to the private room and nursed him the whole time so we wouldn’t have to be in the waiting room. Don’t judge me!

Though, it’s not like being called first really means anything. We all know that you’re just being called first to wait for an additional 20 minutes in the examining room while the doctor does God knows what. Of all three parts – waiting, waiting some more, and seeing the doctor – the part that goes by the quickest is seeing the doctor. In fact, most parents know what the diagnosis and remedy is going to be before going. Ear infection? Children’s Tylenol and antibiotics. Cold? Saline drops, humidifier, suction, lots of breastmilk.

But we go anyway because most of us didn’t have the foresight to marry a pediatrician.

P.S. I think the “well” side of the waiting room should be separated using those heavy-duty plastic curtains like at the food warehouses.

24 – Day 7: 2am-4am

Previously on 24: Jack learns there’s a possible treatment for his cooties, but it involves Kim. He doesn’t want her involved, but Agent Walker calls her anyway. Jack sends Kim away. Tony blows up the missiles Starkwood were going to use and Jonas Hodges is arrested. A Starkwood op gets away with a canister of the bioweapon. When Moss and Tony catch up to him, Tony kills Moss.

And now….

The following takes place between 2am and 3am…

Hodges’  attorney is preparing to leave for the White House when she’s attacked at her front door. While a man injects her with a needle, a woman that resembles her takes her I.D. Using a doohickey, they get thumb print and put it on the impostor’s thumb.

At the FBI offices Walker gives Janis the identify of the Starkwood op that got away. Galvez. Moss isn’t answering his phone.

Tony shoots himself in the side and then takes a call from Galvez. He tells Galvez to stay holed up where he is.

Kim says goodbye to Agent Walker. She’s going to honor her father’s wishes and leave. Walker gets a call from the scene and finds out that Moss is dead. She tells Janis someone needs to notify Moss’ ex-wife and it probably shouldn’t be her… see, ’cause they were bonin’.

Jack is being debriefed on earlier events. The guy doing the questioning wants to know if he verified Tony’s sources. Jack didn’t. Jack starts repeating himself cause his cooties are flaring up. Jack notices a bunch of activity in the hall and he finds out that Moss is dead. Walker is all business as she leaves to avenge her man’s death. Jack calls shotgun on the helicopter leaving for the scene.

Hodges’ fake attorney makes it into the White House.

Olivia informs the president of Moss’ death and Galvez’s escape. The president realizes that she may have to make a deal with Hodges if he’s behind the latest events.

Hodges’ fake attorney arrives at his cell. She tells him that he jeopardized the plan. He would have been protected if he had just slowed his roll! “The others” are concerned that they will be exposed. She threatens his family and offers him a red pill for him to take that will induce a heart attack. Starkwood can’t be brought down without his testimony and “the others” will be protected and not have to kill his family. He accepts the pill. Olivia comes to transfer Hodges for FBI questioning.

Fake lawyer calls in. She tells the man on the phone that Tony has been the only bright spot in a otherwise frakked up day. Damn you, Tony!! Galvez calls Tony and tells him that he’s holed up in an abandoned apartment building. He has 20 minutes to do whatever it is he has to do.

Jack has the nerve to try and counsel Walker on how to feel about Moss’ death. The man who doesn’t feel shit. She pretty much tells him to shut the hell up. They arrive at the scene. Walker wants to see Moss’ body. While Tony offers up his condolences to Walker, Jack is playing snoopy mcsnooperstein. They listen to Tony’s version of what happened, but something with the shell casings doesn’t add up. There must have been a second shooter.

Kim calls her husband… yes, her husband, and tells him what is happening with Jack. She admits that she didn’t tell Jack about his granddaughter, Teri (obviously named after Jack’s dead wife.) In the crib, is a little blonde baby that looks like a mini-Jack Bauer.

Out in the field, Jack has to give himself a shot of whatever the CDC doc gave him. Tony apologizes for what Jack is going through.

Galvez calls in as an FBI agent he has killed and leads the FBI to the abandoned building. Jack stays behind as does Tony.

Hodges is loaded into a transport van when he notices one of the soldiers shackling him fought alongside some of his Starkwood peeps. The soldier tells him that the Starkwood men were fine soldiers. That’s all Hodges needed to hear. En route, he pops the red pill. When his heart attack begins, the soldiers call it in and rush him to the hospital.

Galvez continues to communicate with the FBI like he’s one of them and instructs them to enter the building. He watches from another location as the building is wired to blow. The agent debriefing Jack earlier calls him and asks if he possibly got the name of Tony’s source wrong. Jack doesn’t think so, but disconnects after seeing a screen with the radio codes of the agents involved in the current operation.

Walker and the other agents sweep through the abandoned building. Jack realizes that the radio the agent used to call it in isn’t even in the building. He calls in to Walker that it’s a trap and to get out. Galvez sets off the explosives. Jack tells the agents to maintain the perimeter so Galvez doesn’t get away.

In the confusion, and dressed as FBI, Galvez rushes in the building with the other agents. Jack and Tony arrive and Tony rushes in. He meets up with Galvez and takes the canister. Galvez covers himself with a dead agent’s blood. All Jack cares about is Walker. She’s fine. She tells Jack it’s like Galvez knew their pattern and that the abandoned building would be checked last.

Tony helps Galvez, who is pretending to be hurt, out of the building. Jack calls the agent back who had called earlier and finds out that the source Tony said was dead, is actually alive. Jack sees Tony helping Galvez to an ambulance. He calls out for him. The ambulance leaves with Galvez and the canister. Jack tells Tony they need to talk and pulls a gun on him. He tells him that the guy Tony said died during his interrogation is alive. Tony comes up with some excuse and as Jack ain’t buying it, he starts to have a cooties flare-up. Nooo! Not now!

As Jack has a seizure on the ground, Tony witholds his medicine Tracy Quarermaine-style.

In the ambulance, Galvez kills the medic tending to him and pulls a gun on the driver.

Tick… tock… tick… tock…

3am – 4am

The following takes place between 3am and 4am…

As the CDC doc tends to Jack he tells Walker that Tony is the second shooter.  They put out an APB, but Tony kills two agents and escapes. Jack blames himself for vouching for Tony.

Tony meets up with Galvez at a motel room. Galvez confirms a money transfer via phone before giving Tony a bag with the canister. When Tony opens the bag, it’s the yellow pages. Oh, snap! He gave him a phone book, son!

Galvez pulls a gun on Tony and wants to know who the buyer is. Tony tosses the bag and knocks the gun back. They struggle and fight. Tony starts to smother Galvez with the shower curtain and wants to know where the canister is.

The president learns that Hodges will survive his suicide attempt. She also finds out that his real attorney is dead, and the imposter is the one that slipped Hodges the pill. Walker and Bauer call the president. They tell her that Galvez got away. Jack admits that Tony Almeida screwed them. She tells them about Hodges’ threat before being taken into custody and his suicide attempt. Jack says they need to question Hodges, but the president won’t sanction torture. Jack says they wont need to. He will talk if they offer to let everyone think he’s dead.

The fake lawyer shows up at Tony’s motel room. Galvez is dead. She wants to make the delivery and Tony doesn’t. He wants to use the one canister to finish the job and launch another attack. Kick your enemy when he’s down and all that. She says she’ll run it by the group.

At the white house, the president tells Olivia that they’re going to put Hodges in the witness protection program. Olivia is not happy. She reminds the president that Hodges killed her son. She continues to hit below the belt, but the president stands firm. She wants Olivia to contact the attorney general and have the protection agreement drafted.

Fake lawyer calls in to “the group” and explains that they’ll be launching another attack during rush hour traffic. They’ll blame the attack on a terrorist leaving his body at the scene. The guy isn’t even a terrorist – but they’ll make him look like one. Everyone on the call is voice protected. As the group ponders striking now vs. waiting six months, fake lawyer IMs a group member to weigh in on her side since Almeida came through for them. He does and then everyone votes. They agree to strike now. Tony kisses fake lawyer. Ewwww.

Jack arrives to question Hodges. Hodges is ranting that by saving him, they’ve killed his family. Jack tells him that they will let the group think he’s dead if he tells who they are. If he refuses they will leak to the press that he’s alive and then his family will be harmed. Hodges says the president doesn’t have the balls to do that and Jack is all, “Have you seen my balls? Those are the ones you need to be worried about.”

Hodges tells Jack that there are other groups with like-minded ideas – attack the country and prove that the government can’t protect them. He says he watched Jack’s senate hearing and was disgusted because Jack should be treated like a hero. So, he watched the hearings, but didn’t know who Jack was when he walked in the room. Hodges claimed he doesn’t know any names. Jack pretends to call a press contact and Hodges gives up that his only contact with the group is the woman that pretended to be his lawyer. The biometric monitors says that he’s being honest.

Jack tells the president that it is likely that they will launch another attack today. The president agrees to unseal the CTU servers so that Jack can do his thing. Jack calls Chloe and confirms that Bill is dead. *sniff* He tells her that he needs her help. She looks at her sleeping son and tells Jack to send the car for her. She tells Morris to get their son, Prescott, out of the city so she can go and save the world.

During the briefing, Jack confirms to the FBI agents that they only have two suspects (Tony and fake lawyer) and that the only lead they have is that the group will try to pass off the attack on an innocent. They need to track down the trail using CTU servers. Janis has some kind of hissy fit and Walker shuts her up.

Chloe arrives and Jack tells her that Tony betrayed them. She doesn’t want to believe it, but Jack tells her she needs to be with him and is prepared to take Tony down. Chloe is down for whatever.

Tony and fake lawyer stake-out their  patsy – an illegal whose student visa expired, is Muslim, and has reason to be angry with the U.S. He has one younger brother.

Inside, the patsy is preparing breakfast for his brother. He tells him to be careful – today isn’t a good day to be a Muslim in the U.S. His bro tells him to relax. Most people think he’s Puerto Rican. Muslim, Puerto Rican, whatever – he’s cute!

Another car arrives and the occupants, plus Tony and fake lawyer start towards patsy’s house.

Olivia is going over Hodges’ witness protection order and tells Aaron what it is when he comes to get the document for the A.G. Olivia whines and whines. Aaron offers condolences. When he asks if there’s anything else he can do for her, she says other than killing Hodges… no. And for like five whole seconds it looks like he considered it! Maybe I’m confusing his consideration face with his, “Bitch, is you crazy” face. She apologizes and Aaron leaves. Olivia makes a phone call to some guy named Martin. They agree to meet at the white house.

The white house is like Grand freaking Central Station.

Janis is all pouty. She doesn’t like the CTU servers. She doesn’t like that they can spy on people. She doesn’t like Chloe. She doesn’t like anything. Jack pretty much tells her to shut the frak up and leave if she can’t get with the program. She looks like she wants to cry. It’s the best part of the season so far. I have to rewind it and watch it three times.

The lights go out in the patsy’s apartment. Tony, fake lawyer, and the other goons grab his brother and put a gun to patsy’s head.

Poor patsy.

Tick… tock… tick… tock.

You Can’t Have Nothing With Kids

My Mom used to say that. Bad English and all.

“Damn, I can’t have nothing with y’all!”

Now, I know what she means.

“Mom, what are you eating? Can I have some? Yeah, I know it’s your last bite, but I wanna taste it.”

I give it up.

“Yuck” *spits it out* “That’s nasty.”

Then there’s the audacity.

“Mom, who drank the last soda?”

“Me.”

“What?! I wanted that!!”

“You were in school. How was I supposed to know?”

“Well, don’t drink the last of anything.”

“Excuse you?”

And it’s not just the ten-year-old.

Jack: Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm

Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm = “I don’t know what that is you’re eating. And I don’t have teeth. But I want it. Give it to me!”

And now it has crossed over from food to my video games! I asked Donny to buy Animal Crossing: City Folk on the Wii for me! ME ME ME! After one day Kali started giving me this face every time she wanted to play and I wouldn’t let her:

“Is it my turn yet, Mama?”

“Who said you get a turn?”

“I thought you said it’s important to share?”

Son of a bitch.

Thank the Gods for Caprica. So Say We All!

Oh, how I had hoped Caprica, the new Sci-Fi original series – Battlestar Galactica prequel – set to air in 2010, would not suck. When I heard the news that season four would be Battlestar Galactica’s (The Best Show in the History of EVER) last, I was sad. Then I watched 4.0 as it aired and was devastated. How could I not have this show to look forward to for 2-3 months of Fridays every year? During season 4.5 it became my “don’t call here, don’t bug me, and no I’m not cooking tonight” show.

I savored every episode. Some four or five times. When I played Halo 3 online I began to refer to the map displaying bad guys as Dradis. I answered the house phone, “Galactica actual,” and I’d been known to cuss a motherfrakker the frak out. I’ve watched the series finale about 15 times and I refuse to delete season 4.5 from the bedroom TiVo until I have the complete series on Blu-Ray this summer. Yes, I might have to sell an ovary to afford it, but hey, I already have two kids (a girl and a boy) and besides, I have another one. My Rock Band name is Caprica and my band’s name is The Final Five Cylons. (Don’t judge me!)

I cried like Gimpy Gaeta when Anders shot in him in the leg as the show ended and the only thing to keep me from going completely insane with grief was the knowledge that I still had Battlestar Galactica: The Plan to look forward to this fall, and Caprica in 2010.

“Please God, don’t let Caprica suck. Let it be good. And let enough of us diehard BSG fans watch faithfully so that the SciFi Network won’t pull a bonehead move and cancel it after like, three episodes. Please God don’t let me have to go black girl crazy and cut somebody.”

Last night, Donny came home with the DVD pilot of Caprica and I was afraid to watch it. I needed this to be good. I needed it to be great. It did not disappoint. I watched it twice last night and another three times this morning.

Caprica is set 58 years before the fall of the 12 colonies. Daniel Greystone (Eric Stoltz) is like Steve Jobs and Bill Gates rolled into one. He’s perfecting his Cybernetic Life Form Nodes (Cylons) when his teenage daughter Zoe (Alessandra Torenson) dies suddenly. After her death, Daniel discovers that he wasn’t the only brain in the family dabbling in artificial life.

Joseph Adams/Adama (Esai Morales), an attorney, has also lost a daughter and through their mutual grief the two men embark on a journey that questions religion, death, life after death, and playing God (or Gods.)

I think fans of BSG (as the cool kids call it) will be satisfied. It has that same blend of drama and sci-fi that worked so well on Galactica. One of the things that made BSG so appealing was it’s rich history. It’s a sign of a great show that we know how it ends, yet we are still interested in seeing how it began. And once Caprica begins, you stay interested.

Yeah, I was a little disappointed that there were’t more… connections to BSG, but it’s a different show and I know I gotta “let it go.” The only character on Caprica that existed on BSG is young Willie Adams/Adama… and he’s 11! I found myself thinking early on, “Right now, the final five Cylons are on their way to warn humanity. Too bad they won’t arrive for at least another 20 years and we know how that ends up.”

I love that we see the origins of Cylons (at least the 12 colonies’ version) and their belief in the one true God. I love that Caprica looked different than the Caprica we saw in flashbacks during BSG’s run. Things change in six decades. This new vision of Caprica looks old-timey, yet sophisticated. It looks like a culture on the verge of big changes and innovations.

I wondered whether it was a coincidence that two of the people most responsible for the attack on the colonies (Greystone and Baltar) lived in damn near identical homes/areas. Unfortunately, though entertaining, the commentary by Ronald Moore, David Eick, and director Jeffrey Reiner didn’t touch on that – but we do learn that the V-Club seen throughout the pilot is the same as the Opera House in BSG.

There’s lots of good stuff here – Adama and Greystone are both tortured and driven to do bad things in order to hold on to pieces of their beloved daughters, the early Centurions, great acting by Alessandra Torenson, and wonderful music by Bear McCreary. Seriously, can he just score every show on TV from now on? I found myself restarting the show to have it play while I did homework, just to hear the fabulous music.

My only complaint? We have to wait for 2010 to find out what happens next.

BIOBaby: So Far, So Good and Other Short Stories

It’s been a little over 8 months and so far Jack has yet to pee in my face. Some of you are probably wondering why I’m keeping a running clock. Ever since I can remember I’ve been terrified of having a son for one reason; his penis. It kinda freaks me out. And that’s weird considering that most women have to become quite intimate with a penis in order to have a son. But adult penises are different. They can be beautiful. Baby penises look weird. They remind me of turtles.

I’m not a fan of all the ball lifting and skin movement involved in cleaning one either. But, as a mother I do what I gotta do no matter that I risk a pee shot to the face and no matter how funny the nuts look. Soon after Jack came home from the hospital I called my Dad…

“Jack’s balls look funny.”

“They’re probably not what you’re used to.”

And the pee thing doesn’t freak me out because it’s pee. Again, as a Mom I’ve dealt with worse. With both Kali and Jack I’ve had to suction out their clogged up, grody, booger noses… with my mouth. Hey! My babies couldn’t breathe and those suction balls were crap! Anyway, I’m a Mom so I’m not easily freaked out by poop, pee, vomit, and snot. What really scares me about taking some baby pee in the face is the lack of warning. It’s the, “Will today be the day” that is freaking me out!

It’s not like he’s gonna say something first like, “Look out, Mommy!,” or, “Duck!,” or “I’m R. Kelly, Mom!,” or, “Look, Ma. No hands!”

He’s just gonna piss in your face.

And possibly your eye.

Thank God We Don’t Have a Cat

Sunday night I had a dream that Jack and I were in this really raggedy house in Brooklyn. He was sleeping on a bed right by the front door in the foyer and I was looking around for… the keys, the Bogeyman… I felt imminent danger. I could see our car parked at the curb, and I just wanted to get out of this house. It was dark and scary. I went to the bottom of the stairs and peered up at the second floor. One of my sisters, Naiemah, was there feeding her son who was sitting in a high chair. He’s 8.

A black cat came bounding down the stairs. It jumped on my head and then on the bed with Jack. I grabbed Jack, but the cat kept trying to jump on him. I would bat the cat away, and he spring back hissing and clawing. I had the cat in my right hand, while holding Jack against my left hip. The cat was scratching and biting at me. I had this one thought, “Nina, you’re gonna have to put Jack down for one minute and use both hands to snap this cat’s neck,” and then I woke up.

I woke up in a fierce Mama Bear mood. I was ready to snap necks. If we had a cat, it would have been dead yesterday morning. Bella is so lucky.

Fetch!

Jack has had a low-grade fever off and on for the past two days. I think he’s cutting more teeth. Because of this, he’s pretty much getting anything he wants so long as he’s comfortable and happy. Last night he kept tossing a teething toy off the side of the couch. We’d kept it in the freezer for awhile hoping the cold would feel good against his gums. Well, once it warmed up, Jack didn’t want it. I wasn’t getting that message because I was too busy cooing at him, and every time he tossed it, I retrieved it.

“Do you know how much Mama loves you? Huh? I can’t wait for you to understand my words so I can tell you how much I love you and you’ll know.”

Donny, who has been holding Jack the whole time and watching our little game, says, “Oh, he knows how much you love him by the way he can get you to fetch that damn teething ring.”

“Shut up.”

I give it back to Jack who proceeds to hit it on the arm of the couch in increments of three and grunting, “Uh uh uh,” with each hit.

“Jack, don’t throw it okay? Listen to Mommy.”

“Uh, uh, uh.”

“Jack, dont’…”

He looks at me. He smiles. He throws it.

Donny says, “He just told you, ‘Fuck yo couch!’”

Nose Biter

Tried to get video of Jack’s nose-biting but he came a’running once he saw the camera…

I did get a still shot though…

Jack and Donny play on the floor a lot and that’s Jack’s latest “thing” – biting Daddy’s nose.

Another floor moment…

Finally, Jack waking up …

Dirty Bird

Can someone please, please, please tell me what my child has against washing her ass?

For reals.

What is this sudden aversion to bathing? It’s like she’s allergic to water. And soap. Is she like the Wicked Witch of the West (or East, I forget) and will dissolve into a puddle of goo should water touch her person?

Did I miss something? Where did my excited-to-have-a-clean-ass child go? We never had this problem before. We couldn’t get Kali out of the tub before. The water would be cold and dirty and she’d be begging for just, “Five more minutes,” so she could continue being a mermaid or Olympic swimmer or whatever fantasy she was in the midst of when the call to get out came.

Now, I have to trick, remind, and threaten her to wash her butt! I used to be that way. I remember hating my stepmother because she was the only one hip to my game of closing the door, sitting on the edge of the tub, sticking my hand in the water to make splashing sounds, and then coming out ten minutes later dry as a menopausal cooch. She began staying in the bathroom with me and bathing me! I was probably around Kali’s age when this happened. (10) Back then I used to think she was just mean. Now I see that she just had my own best interest at heart… and probably her own as she didn’t want to get carted off when the people came for my mother and father for neglect.

Thinking back, I have no idea what my problem was. Why did I hate bathing so much? It’s not like I liked the alternative – stinking. So, what gave?

I think part of it with Kali is thinking that she’s going to miss something. My little sister lives with us (she just turned 12 last week), but Kali is still operating like this is a visit. “I want Bruklyn to sleep with me.” “Girl, Bruklyn has her own room to sleep in. She’ll be here in the morning!” My mother just told me last night that sometimes Bruklyn will hang out with Kali while she takes a bath. That’s right. Kali will get in my garden tub to bathe while Bruklyn sits on the edge with her jeans rolled up and her feet in the water like she chilling on a pier. What the shit?

And even with my own history as prologue, it still didn’t occur to me that I have to check behind Kali after she gets out of the tub…. at least not until last week when I happened to really look at her.

“What’s that on your neck?”

“What?”

“That! Is that… dirt?”

Sure enough – right at that part of your neck where they would stick the ink tube in if you couldn’t breathe on some primetime drama and all they had to save your life was a pen, a knife, some tape, and their breath – Kali’s neck was dirty. Really dirty.

“Didn’t you take a bath?!”

“Yes.”

“Didn’t you wash your neck?”

“I think so.”

“Do you think you used water and soap or just air and good intentions?”

“Huh?”

“Girl, go take a bath and this time scrub your neck before I get arrested for neglect. Look like you wearing a scarf of dirt.”

My mother was standing at the kitchen sink in tears with laughter.

It aint’ funny, y’all. I don’t like this one bit. I don’t like sending her to brush her teeth before bed, but her finding that her breath smells like hot garbage when she goes to kiss me goodnight. I heard the electric toothbrush whirring! I heard the water running! Why are you pulling one of my old numbers on me? Why don’t you, for the love of God, want to be clean?

I keep warning her, “You’re not gonna be happy until someone embarrasses you in school. Trust me. You don’t want to have someone say, ‘What’s that smell? Kali, is that you?’”

I have now vowed to be the bath/teeth Nazi. I will do surprise bath inspections. I will montior the occassional bath under the guise of, “Isn’t this a lovely time to catch up and talk about our day? Yes, Mommy will just sit right here on the edge of the tub and talk… and watch.” I will do a teeth check after so-called brushings. I will inspect the lady parts if I have to.

I’m not tryna have the people come knocking on my door ’cause Kali insists on going to school looking like a street urchin.

Rescue Me – Season 5 – Epis. 1 & 2: Baptism & French

Previously on Rescue Me: Tommy has been sober for almost a year. The new chief has Tommy on his shit-list for messing with his daughter. “Black Sean” has eyes for Tommy’s daughter, Colleen. Tommy and his wife split… again. Michael’s mother dies. Tommy’s father dies at a ball game sitting next to him.

And now…

After the funeral service for his father, Tommy stays behind and goes white boy crazy on the coffin with an axe and sets it on fire. But… it was just a fantasy he had while sitting at the table in Valerie’s (Gina Gershon) place. They snap at each other. Well, that relationship has gone well.

And we have credits…

The guys are clearing a burning building when they find a sleeping homeless dude that tries to stab Franco for his troubles. Franco knocks him on his ass. They hit a dead end, and while they’re trying to clear a way out, boxes of fireworks start to explode.

Sitting around the station house’s kitchen the guys ponder which they’d rather lose in a fireworks accident; one ball or one eye. I think one ball wins.

Tommy drops by Janice’s place unannounced. He has a present for Wyatt. I thought Sheila was Wyatt’s mom? Anyway, Tommy suspects that she has a guy there and she does. It’s her new boyfriend, Michael J. Fox! He’s a little douchey and he kinda busts Tommy’s balls about being a firefighter – and maybe only fighting fires once or twice a month. Janice ushers Tommy out before he can put his foot up MJF’s ass.

Michael wants to give away his inheritance he got after his Mom died. Franco and Sean tell him he’d be an idiot to give it away. Sean suggests Michael buy a bar. He offers to be the brains while Michael is the money. Franco will be the brawn ’cause he’s big and Puerto Rican. Dumbass Michael agrees.

At an AA meeting Tommy complains to his brother about Dwight (Michael J. Fox)

Tommy and Valerie try role-playing sex, but she’s not into it. Why are they together? More importantly, where did she get those awesome Christian Louboutins?!

Tommy calls Colleen. She rushes him off the phone. She’s in bed with Black Sean. He wants to tell Tommy about them, but she doesn’t think it’s a good idea. She’s hard to look at. I don’t get this relationship either.

The Chief has been really nice to Tommy, and it’s kinda weird. Sheila calls Tommy. She wants to see him, but he refuses… until she says someone called her from HQ regarding Tommy’s section eight (psych evaluation.) He goes to see her.

They meet in a restaurant. He gets annoyed when he think she’s texting while talking to him… she’s taking notes for her psycho/drama/acting therapy class. She tries to explain what that means while Tommy stares at her tits. She swears that the therapy isn’t about Tommy. Cut to her in therapy and it’s TOTALLY about Tommy.

Black Sean goes to Lou for advice about Tommy/Colleen. He totally guesses that he’s seeing Colleen. Black Sean says they haven’t had sex yet because once he has sex with a girl he usually bounces. The next ass he taps, is the ass he’s going to marry. Lou tells him that Tommy is gonna kill him.

Tommy sits around watching home movies with his brother, sister, uncle, etc. Everyone has nice things to say about his dead Dad, but Tommy is silent. They press him and he tells them that they shouldn’t be talking about the Dad like he’s saint just because he’s dead. He never told him he was proud of him. He never said anything encouraging. He goes on about the dog Bootsie that was shat in the pantry, but was lauded after she died.

Tommy’s cousin, Mick the priest, is piss drunk in the church while a baptism is going on. Tommy takes him for a walk. Mick cries over Bootsie the Pantry Shitter. Mick blames Tommy for his falling off the wagon because he kept bringing up Bootsie the Pantry Shitter. I’m about to fall off the bed if they say that one more time.

At the station house, Sean, Michael, and Franco tell Tommy about the bar idea.

The chief tells them that a journalist will be coming to talk to them. She’s writing a 10th anniversary book about 9/11. They’re not enthused. They get a fire call.

While in the burning building, Sean falls down the stairs and has to be carried out. The hydrants are dry so they’re forced to let the building go. From outside they notice someone on one of the upper floor signaling for help. Tommy tries to run back in, but they won’t let him. The person is swallowed up by the flames.

Damn!

Episode 2: French

Tommy finds Mick at a bar staring at a glass of whiskey. He says he’s going to drink, but control it. He wants Tommy to take a sip and then he won’t get shitfaced, but he will if Tommy doesn’t take one sip – he doesn’t even have to swallow.  Tommy starts to take a sip and Mick smacks the drink out of his hand and then smacks him in the face. He tells Tommy he has to be stronger. he’s not gonna let TOmmy use his slip up from the other day as an excuse to drink. He slaps him again just because it felt so good the first time.

And we have credits… “Come on, come on!”

Black Sean is at work waiting for Tommy. He’s nervous. He gets pissed when he realizes that everyone knows about him and Colleen.

Franco, Sean, Lou, and Tommy compare notes in the who has masturbated the most in one day. Franco leads at 7 and Tommy aint’ saying. He talks about a kid from the neighborhood who claims to have done it 17 times in one school day – the last time, just air came out. Michael calls it a cock fart. The chief comes in to find them saying “Cock fight, cock fart” five times fast. The French lady is there to do her 9/11 interviews. They don’t have to talk to her if they don’t want to. Michael interrupts to announce he bought the bar.

They all meet the journalist, Genevieve, and then get called out to a fire. While they’re loading up the truck after putting the fire out, Black Sean tries to talk to Tommy. He starts talking about unexpected events and taking responsibility. Tommy has no idea what he’s talking about.

Back at the house, Sheila shows up with a little black girl. She’s her big sister. Her therapist suggested she do some community service. When the girl calls her out for liking Tommy, it’s time to go.

Franco is the locker room talking to Genevieve. He thinks 9/11 was a neo-conservative conspiracy. After a long ass speech, he tries to hit on her.

Michael shows the guys the bar he bought – it’s a dump. At one point, it was a lesbian bar. Sean and Franco worry that the pussy vibe is all wrong. Michael says he wants to call it Lumberjacks and make it look like a log cabin. Sean and Franco kinda like the idea. Tommy thinks it’s gay. Lou leaves for a date. Tommy gets a call from Cousin Eddie. Teddy isn’t doing so well – down because of Tommy’s Dad’s death.

Lou is having dinner with Genevieve. He tells her about finding only a finger of Tommy’s cousin in the aftermath of 9/11. He has a breakdown at the table talking about his feelings since then.

Tommy, Teddy, and Cousin Eddie are at a strip club. Teddy is upset over losing his older brother and refuses a lap dance. Even the stripper tells him to lighten the hell out. Teddy lays into Tommy for not showing any emotion over his father’s death.

Lou sees Genevieve to a cab. He apologizes for the breakdown. She’s all business and gives him two kisses on the cheek goodbye. When he kisses her back, his mustache is rough on her face. She says that’s why she never gets involved with men with facial hair.

At the station house, Tommy talks about having to help with the Lumberjack bar and then he has an appointment for his Section Eight (psych eval.) Lou has shaved off his mustache. Mick shows up with a guy from the AA meetings, Derek, and tells Tommy that Derek needs a sponsor. Tommy doesn’t want to do it. Mick pulls him aside, Tommy still doesn’t want to do it. Black Sean interrupts, but still can’t tell Tommy about Colleen. Tommy ends up being Derek’s sponsor, and Derek ends up calling Tommy 40 minutes later to be talked out of going into a bar. Swell.

Genevieve wants to talk to Tommy, and he tries to blow her off. She’s presistent and Tommy mocks her book. He doesn’t think her book is going to help. He talks about the real people that were affected. He calls her a hot piece of foreign ass.

Tommy drops by on Janice who’s in the shower. Dwight is on the couch and puts his hand out for a shake, but again Tommy refuses. He’s annoyed that Dwight won’t get off the couch to shake his hand.  He challenges Dwight to “take it outside.” When Janice comes down, Dwight asks her to get his chair. Thinking he’s getting a weapon, Tommy threatens to get a book. Turns out, it’s his wheelchair. Tommy is only slightly backing down when he realizes Dwight can’t walk. Dwight; however, is still ready to roll. No pun intended. Janice pushes Tommy out.

Tommy is surprised to hear that Janice and Dwight are having sex. Outside, she tells him that Dwight gets erections at random times and they have sex when that happens – and the sex lasts a really, really, really long time. Back inside, Dwight is dragging himself across the floor when he gets a hard-on.

Lumberjacks is ready to open, but Tommy can’t stay to celebrate because he has to find the outcome of his psych evaluation. Tommy wants to say things that need to be said. He tells Sean he’s a moron and he proved it for marrying Tommy’s sister. Michael is the king of the morons. Franco could solve all the world’s ills if he put his pussy-chasing energy into something positive. He doesn’t know Black Sean well enough to judge him, but he will anyway – he’s sure he sucks too. Lou is horrible with women and a lush. And then he leaves.

Sheila calls a meeting with the Big Sister lady, Mrs. Berg, because she’s sure her little sister, Kalina, has stolen her iPhone. The iPhone starts ringing from the couch cushions. Sheila feels stupid. Mrs. Berg and Kalina get up to go. Kalina calls Sheila a dumb bitch.

Derek calls Tommy as he’s going into his meeting. A woman crashes her car right as Tommy is gonna go in the building. Tommy pulls her from the car just as it explodes.

In the evaluation, the doctor brings up Tommy dressing up in his dead cousin’s gear and fighting fires with a crew on another shift. Damn, Tommy is crazy. Tommy tries to explain himself, and kinda comes off as crazy. The doctor clears him to go back to work. Tommy is surprised. The doctor says Tommy is definitely crazy, but he’s needed and you kinda gotta be a little crazy to do that job. As revenge on Chief Feinberg, he’s sending Tommy back to work.

Tommy goes to Lumberjacks with his good news, but the guys are still pissed. Black Sean tells Tommy about him and Colleen.

Tommy’s in bed with Valerie and asks her to do a French accent. It’s a really bad French accent. BUT she has those damn Louboutins in bed with them and I can’t concentrate on anything else.

Franco calls Michael and tells him to get his ass down to a bar on 84tha nd Amsterdam. It’s a bar that looks just like Lumberjacks! Franco calls him an asshole and leaves.

Rescue Me airs Tuesday nights at 10pm on FX

Harper’s Island – Epi. 1: “Whap” & Epi. 2: “Crackle”

Harper’s Island – 37 miles off the coast of Seattle

Seven years ago, 6 people were murdered by John Wakefield.

They were the first murders in the history of the island…

… they will not be the last.

Seattle, Washington

On a boat, people are celebrating the upcoming nuptials of a young couple, Patricia (Trish) Wellington and Henry W. Dunn. An annoying little girl, Madison, is running around with the “bloody finger in a box” trick. Abby arrives, best  friend of groom, in a cab. She grew up on HI.

The groom’s uncle, Marty, is drunk. He goes below deck and puts a gun in his pants.

Trish comments that they’re still waiting for Cousin Ben.

Someone drops a beer bottle into the water… and we see a man tied to the bottom of the boat with a scuba tank. I guess we have just found Cousin Ben. The yacht is fired up and Cousin Ben loses his head. No one notices.

And we have credits…

“One by one…”

Trish gets a call from Hunter Jennings, but doesn’t answer it.

Some snooty girls on the boat discuss the murders from seven years ago. No one knows why Wakefield went white boy crazy (I bet you he’s white) and killed those people. Abby’s mom was one of the people killed.

The wedding party boat arrives on HI. Abby runs into an old friend that works on the docks. He’s hot!

Abby goes walking into the woods alone (why?!) and comes across a huge tree. She has a flashback to finding her Mom, and others, hanging from the tree. Henry scares the crap out of her. When they leave, there’s a guy watching and holding a knife. We just see his arm. Creepy!

Not only does the wedding party have a whole inn to themselves, they have the whole island too. Perfect for murder!

The hot dock worker/fisherman, Al, helps the yacht’s crew get some rope that’s caught under the boat. He comes thisclose to finding Cousin Ben.

It turns out that Henry comes from nothing and it’s a big deal for him to be marrying a Wellington. Uncle Marty tells him not to let Trish’s father intimidate him.

A blonde British guy contemplates proposing to his blonde girlfriend, Chloe.

Madison, the bride’s niece, is burning a snail with a magnifying glass. She’s the killer! Everyone knows that they start young with animal torture.

Abby gets a mysterious call; someone plays, “Ava Maria” and hangs up.

Trish gets a text from Hunter. He wants to meet her in the south lobby. She meets him and he kisses her. She pushes away and tells him that she’s getting married. “Are you sure?” he asks. I do not like Hunter. He is douchey AND creepy.

Trish dances with Henry, but it’s so obvious she’s thinking of Hunter. Uncle Marty dances with Chloe while her would-be fiances watches.  Abby leaves to find Henry’s brother, JD.

Trish’s sister, Shay, tells her she should tell their father to make Hunter leave.  Shay tells Trish if she has doubts, she shoudl say something. She says she loves Henry.

Uncle Marty listens as Mr. Wellington and Hunter chat in the woods. Daddy has set Hunter up to try and break up the wedding. He tells DaddyWarbucks that Patricia has agreed to meet him in the morning.

Abby goes to a local bar looking for J.D. She finds him drinking alone and texts Henry. And then she sees Al (with his fine self ).  He challenges her to a game of pool.

Madison finds a gift bag with a tag reading, “To Our Cousin, Ben Wellington.” She rips the tag up before running off with the bag when her mother calls. See! I told you she’s the killer! How did she know he won’t be needing that gift bag. Either that, or she’s a thief.

Uncle Marty sits with Mr. Wellington and lights a cigar. He pretty much tells him not to frak with Henry.

Some douchebag at the bar stars messing with J.D. when he sees J.D. talking to his ex. J.D. and the guy get into it. The sheriff breaks it up. The sheriff seems to be Abby’s Dad. He drops J.D. and Abby off at the inn. Hey, the sheriff is Bobby from Supernatural! When Henry sees Abby, he asks who she was playing pool with at the bar.

Chloe goes swimming in her underwear while her wussy would-be fiance watches. when he goes to join her, she screams.

Madison is one creepy little girl. She stands over her parents’ bed watching them sleep. When the Mom wakes up, Madison asks if she knows that people died on the siland. Her new friend told her that. That girl needs an exorcism.

When Chloe scares her boyfriend, he holds her head under water. She gets pissed and tosses his pants in the water. The ring is lost. She storms off into the woods and screams again.

Trish and Henry have sex. When she goes to shower, Henry sees that Hunter is calling her on the cell.

Uncle Marty is walking along the pier when he falls through. He’s half up and half down when someone starts slicing him up. He shoots below, but the person still “whaps” away.

Nooo, not Uncle Marty!

Someone leaves a newspaper clipping about the HI murders on Abby’s mirror.

Episode 2: “Crackle”

Abby goes for a run in the woods the next morning. Al and Shane (douchebag that got into it with J.D.) hunting and Abby stops them from killing one. She’s seen enough blood on the island.

Trish meets Hunter on the docks. He wants another chance, but she blows him off.

Someone has broken into the museum and stolen a head-spade from a display. The Sheriff, Abby’s Dad, investigates.

Shane teases Al for still being caught up on Abby. When they get to his truck, someone has slit a deer’s neck and left the body on his hood with the word, “psycho” written in blood on the windshield.

Henry goes to J.D.’s room and asks if he’s seen Uncle Marty. He hasn’t. J.D. has a ton of prescription bottles on his dresser. Henry wants J.D. to behave himself and not ruin Henry’s wedding week. J.D. accuses Henry of always wanting to be liked. When Henry leaves, J.D. continues to wash blood from his hands in the bathroom. Is it deer blood or Uncle Marty’s?

The wedding party is preparing to do a scavenger hunt around the island.

Cal, the mousy blonde guy dating Chloe, was on the yellow team, but he allows one of Henry’s douchey friends to switch and put him on the blue team. Now Chloe is on the team with all of Henry’s friends. Abby comforts Cal and tells him they’ll kick the yellow team’s ass.

Henry and Trish find time to do it… again.

The priest is wandering through the woods when he gets caught in a trap that send him hanging upside down by his foot. His hearing aid falls out. And then his head gets cut off.

The blue team is at the bar answering questions for the scavenger hunt. Abby speaks with a girl named Kelly whose mother was also killed by John Wakefield. She’s jealous that Abby got to leave HI and get away from what happened. When Abby goes to the ladies room, Kelly follows and scares the crap out of Abby. She admits that she sees Wakefield even when she’s awake. Shane comes into the bathroom and kicks them out. Charming. When is he doing to die? Soon, I hope. Kelly tries to apologize for her ex.

Outside, Cal feels stupid because he let Sully take the yellow bandana and place him on the blue team. Abby and the other team members convince Cal to go fight for Chloe. They tell him there’s a shortcut that will probably lead him to the yellow team. He leaves and Abby figures she’ll follow him, but before she can Al shows up. She apologizes to him for stopping him from killing the deer. They talk about Kelly and how she didn’t get over what happened to her Mom. Shane comes out of the bathroom and asks Al if he mentioned to Abby what happened to his windshield. He tells Shane to shut up. Shane says that after Abby dumped Al and left, Al was made pussy-whipped.

At the cemetery, Chloe finds John Wakefield’s grave. She’s excited by it. Sully tries to kiss her and gets DENIED.

Lucy, a blonde from the blue team, returns to her room at the inn with her little dog and finds Trish waiting for her. They talk about Hunter. Lucy tells her to stay away Hunter. She’s with Henry because he’s a good guy and that’s why she’s with her boyfriend, Ryan. She advises Trish to talk to her Dad… not knowing that Dad is fully aware that Hunter is sniffing around.

Abby is walking through the woods alone (AGAIN!) when Kelly scares the shit out of her (AGAIN!) She asks if she can come to L.A. and live with Abby. AWKWARD. Abby has a hard time hiding her, “Bitch, is you crazy?” face. Kelly feels stupid and runs off. Abby sees Kelly meet up with J.D.

Abby is going back to her room when Henry approaches. She admits to ducking out on the scavenger hunt. She mentions douchey Shane showing up.

Henry goes to see Al. Al jokes that Henry has done really well for himself going from being a deckhand to marrying Trish. Henry wants Al to tell Shane to lay off like he told J.D. to. Al doesn’t think it will work. Henry invites Al to a get together later that night. Al is hesitant. Even when Henry mentions that Abby will be there.

Cal is lost in the woods. Will these white people stay out of the woods?! He also gets caught in an upside-down-from-a-tree-ankle trap.

Henry goes to his room looking for Trish and sees a blood trail. It leads to a deer head in the bathtub. The killer is so thoughtful!

Mr. Wellington is fussing at Hunter for not getting through to his daughter yet. Trish walks in on them.

Cal is still upside down. He hears footsteps. It’s Sully. Sully finds Cal’s map on the ground and takes it. He claims he’s gonna go for help in getting Cal down. What a bastard!

Trish is freaking out in her room when her Dad comes in. He says he sent Hunter away. He claims that Hunter came to him and he turned him away.

Abby finds Henry trying to clean up the deer brains. She assumes it was Shane. She goes off to confront Al. Al says that Shane found a dead deer on his truck. Abby doesn’t think it’s an excuse. Al offers to talk to Shane. He says this isn’t the way he pictured her homecoming.

Abby goes to see Kelly and tells her it’s okay if she wants to come stay with her in L.A. J.D. is in the background shirtless. Kelly is a little too happy to be going to L.A. Abby leaves and Kelly celebrates by having sex with J.D.

Later that night, the blonde bartender, Nicky, arrives to pick up Kelly for the bonfire. As she knocks we see Kelly hanging from the ceiling.

Henry gets a text from Uncle Marty – “Found a wild one. C U at wedding.” He doesn’t have time to dwell on it ’cause Shane shows up. Henry punches Shane and then he leaves. Lucy is calling for her dog, Gigi, who runs into the woods right by Hunter, who’s stalking.

The police are at Kelly’s house and she’s still hanging from the ceiling.

Chloe is looking for Cal and Sully suddenly remembers leaving Cal in the woods. A group goes in search of Cal while Lucy looks for Gigi. She falls through a trap – a hidden big-ass hole in the ground.

They find Cal and he’s okay.

Gigi cries over the hole Lucy has fallen in. She calls for help. Someone pours gasoline on her and drops a match. She crackles.

Lost – Season 5 – Epis. 12 & 13 “Dead is Dead” and “Some Like It Hoth”

Previously on Lost: Sayid shoots young Ben in the 70′s. Kate and Sawyer take Ben to Richard Alpert who says that if he helps Ben, Ben will always be one of them. Because Ben won’t give himself up, Whitmore’s mercenary kills Alex. Sun takes off with Lapidus to find Jin. Locke realizes Ben is back on the island too.

And now…

On the island, a guy with curly thick hair rides a horse. He looks like something off an old romance novel’s cover. He storms into the camp of The Others and approaches Richard.

He’s pissed that Ben is there. He tells Richard he should have let Ben die. Richard says the island chooses who it chooses and that Jacob wanted it done. This shuts Fabio Jr. up.

He goes in to see Ben and tells Ben that he has to go back, but Ben wants to stay. He wants to be one of them. The stranger with the fancy hair tells Ben that even if he lives with the DI, that doesn’t mean he isn’t one of them. Fabio Jr. is a young Charles Widmore.

Back in present day, Ben wakes up and claims that he knew that Locke would survive. Locke wants to know why Ben was trying to get to the other island. Ben says he came back to be judged. By the monster. Sweet! I love smoke monster episodes.

And we have semi-credits…

Ben approaches Elana and some others on the beach. They’re moving something in a big box. He offers help and they turn him down. One guy looks like a cross between Jimmy Kimmel and Seth Rogen. They’re acting suspcious. So much for Elana being just who she said she was.

Caesar tells Ben that he will have his back if Locke tries anything. Ben plays into Caesar’s suspicions about Locke. Ben notes that Caesar has the sawed-off shotgun from the office.

Years ago, on the island, Ben as a young man and a kid (Ethan) go into Danielle’s tent at night. Ben is going to shoot her, but takes Alex instead. He tells Danielle that if she follows him, he’ll kill the baby. He tells her that if she wants Alex to live, every time she hears whispers she’ll run the other way.

Note: Ethan seems desperate to prove himself to Ben. Now we know how Ethan came to be a part of The Others posing as DI when we first met him after being born DI. I brought that question up a few episodes ago.

Back to present, Ben is going through his office stuff when he finds a picture of him and Alex. Locke shows up and wants to know why Ben killed him. Ben said it was the only way to get them all back. He said he couldn’t have allowed Locke to hang himself because he had info Ben needed. Then he didn’t have time to talk Locke back into killing himself. It was all in the best interest of the island. Locke says, “I was just looking for an apology.”

Locke says he wants to help Ben get to the other island to be judged. If Ben really has the island’s best interest in mind, Locke is down with that.

Ben and Locke are about to take a boat to the other side when Caesar and two guys show up. He’s not gonna let them take the boat. Ben plays like Locke is forcing him. Locke is all, “What’s up with that?” When Caesar reaches for his gun, Ben has it and shoots Caesar in the chest.

DAYUM.

Ben and Locke arrive at the main island. Ben tells Locke that Sun and Lapidus were there before them and that Sun knocked him over the head. Locke wants to know if Sun also hurt Ben’s arm. No, that was someone else. Locke tells Ben he doesn’t believe he wants to be judged for breaking island rules, but rather for killing his daughter.

Back in the day, on the island, Ben reports back to a much older Charles and tells him that he didn’t kill Danielle and that he took Alex. Charles is pissed. Ben refuses to kill a child and says he doesn’t think it’s what Jacob wants. He tells Charles that if he wants the baby dead, he should do it. There’s mad respect in The Others’ eyes.

And that, ladies and gents, is how Ben became a Daddy.

In present time, Locke wants to know whose idea it was to live in the DI houses after he murdered them. Good question! Locke doesn’t think it’s something the island would want. Ben says that Locke has no idea what the island wants. Are you sure, Locke counters.

A light goes on in Ben’s house, in Alex’s room, and someone is walking around. Creepy! Ben goes to investigate. It’s Sun. Lapidus shows up. He gives Ben the picture from 1977. Ben wants to know who gave them the picture. They tell him Christian did and that he told Sun if she ever wanted to see Jin again, she’d have to go in Ben’s house and wait for John Locke. Ben instructs them to look outside. Locke waves like it ain’t no thang.

This whole back-from-the-dead business freaks Lapidus out. He wants Sun to go back to the other island with him. She wants to find Jin, so she’s staying. Lapidus is all, “Aight. That’s on you. Peace.” He throws up deuces and he’s out. Sun wants to know how to find Jin, but Locke tells her Ben has something to do first.

Ben goes into his closet and goes through the secret underground passageway. He reaches into a muddy water puddle and unclogs the drain. The water disappears down the drain. “I’ll be outside,” he says.

Back in the day… Ben is pushing Alex as a little girl on a swing. Richard approaches Ben and tells him the sub is about to leave. Ben says he has to see off whoever is leaving. It’s Charles. He tells Charles he came to say goodbye, but Charles says he came to gloat. Ben says he brought it all on himself by leaving the island regularly and having a daughter with an outsider. Charles tells Ben he couldn’t sacrifice Alex for the island, but Ben says it was Charles that wanted her dead not the island. Charles says that if he’s right, Alex will be dead eventually.

Present day… Locke goes off to do something, Sun doesn’t know what or where. Sun tells Ben that Jack must have lied about Locke being dead. Ben assures her that Locke was really dead. She wants to know if Ben knew Locke would come back. Ben tells her that “Dead is dead,” and the fact that Locke is walking around the island scares the hell out of him. They hear a noise and Ben warns Sun to go inside cause he can’t control what is going to come out of the jungle.

What comes out of the jungle is Locke. He says that if the smoke monster isn’t coming to them, they need to go to it. Ben says he doesn’t know where it is. Locke does.

It’s probably not a good idea to keep showing off to the man that killed you once, and is totally enamored with the island, that you know so much about said island. Just sayin’.

They head off.

On the mainland, before the flight to Guam, Ben calls Charles and tells him he’s going back to the island later that day. He says he’s going to kill Penny first. He’s at the marina. I told you! He hangs up on Charles.

Back on the island, Ben wants to know how Locke knows where he’s going. “I just do,” Locke says. Now Ben knows what it was like to be Locke all that time. Ben figures out that they’re going to the same place Ben was taken as a child, where he was healed. Ben says the wall was built to keep people like Sun and Locke from ever seeing their temple which is a half mile from there. Locke says they’re not going the temple, they’re going under it.

Ben asks Sun to tell Desmond he’s sorry if she ever makes it off the island. “Sorry for what?,” she wants to know. “He’ll know,” Ben tells her.

At the marina, Ben watches Penny and approaches, but walks right by Desmond who spots him. He shoots Desmond, but it’s not a very good shot. It looks like he shot the groceries more than anything else. Ben apologizes to Penny and tells her that her father is a bad man responsible for killing his daughter. Little Charlie comes out and Ben pauses. Penny pleads for her son’s life. Ben lowers the gun and then Desmond comes and beats dat ass. He pushes Ben in the water. Now we know how he hurt his arm and got all bloody when he called Jack and had him pick up Locke’s body.

Back on the island, Lapidus makes it back. A man tells him that Elana and three other men found guns and claim to be in charge now. Lapidus wants to know what’s going on. Elana asks him, “What lies in the shadow of the statue?”

Um, the well? The creepy temple with the smoke monster?

Obviously Elana and Jimmy Kimmel have an agenda. She orders Lapidus tied up. He’s going with them.

Under the temple, Ben and Locke make their way with torches. Ben admits that Locke was right about why Ben needed to be judged. He did kill Alex by not surrending and now he has to answer for it. He tells Locke he will go the rest of the way alone. Ben starts to tell Locke that he’ll meet him outside if he lives, but he falls through a hole Pitfall style. Lockes goes to find something to pull Ben out of the under-underground room he’s in.

Ben looks around. There’s hieroglyphics on pillars and the walls. Uh-oh. The staticy electro-sounds of the smoke monster can be heard. It comes up through holes in the floor. In the smoke, Ben sees his past with Alex inlcluding the moment he let her die. The smoke monster leaves and he turns to find Alex behind him. He apologizes to her. She grabs him and slams him against a pillar. She tells him she knows he plans to kill Locke again, and that if he touches him she will hunt him and destroy him. He is to listen and follow Locke. She makes him swear to it and then she’s gone.

Ok, NOW will you people believe me in that the island can only take the shape of people who are dead ON THE ISLAND? Eko’s brother, Christian, Alex, etc. Hurley sees (Eko, Charlie, and Ana Lucia who are dead on the island, but I think he may really see dead people and that it’s not the same as the others.)

Anyway, Locke calls down to Ben wanting to know what happened.

“It let me live.”

Episode 13 – Some Like It Hoth

An Asian woman looks at an apartment. Her son, Miles, wants money for a vending machine. He looks to be about five or six. He is drawn to another apartment where he finds a dead body. When his mother and the landlord come running, they find Miles with the body. He says he can hear the dead man talking to him.

On the island, in the 70′s, Sawyer calls Miles and tells him to get rid of the security footage from camera four. He doesn’t want anyone to see that he and Kate took Ben to The Others.

Before Miles can take the tape out, Horace comes in and tells Miles he wants to bring him into the circle of trust. (Since Lafleur -Sawyer- is MIA) He tells Miles to go out to territory 334 and meet Radzinski. He’s gonna give him something. 334 is hostile territory.

Miles gives Radzinski a body bag and Miles watches as some other DI guys put a body in it. Radzinski ain’t offering up details. The dead body has a hole in the head.

He tells Miles to take the body back to Horace and leaves. Miles asks the dead body, “Ok, so what really happened?”

Um, he couldn’t have pulled away for a few feet first?

And we have fake credits…

Young and rebellious Miles (we know this by all the face piercings) wants to see his dying mother. He wants to know how he does the things that he does. He asks her about his father and she tells him that his father is dead and that he never cared about them. Miles wants to know where his body is. “Somewhere you can never go.”

Back on the island, Horace tells Miles to bring the body to Dr. Chang at The Orchid. Before that, Horace was on the phone talking to someone and he says, “Pierre, if it was caused by the electromagnetism, we need to know.” He tells the person he’ll have someone bring it.

Do they think the guy was killed by EMP? Is the first inkling that they may need “the button?”

Miles goes to get his van, but Hurley is loading it up with lunch for the crew at The Orchid. Since that is where Miles is going he reluctantly lets Hurley tag along.

Kate goes back to the hospital and tells Juliet that Ben is with The Others. Roger shows up and freaks out to see Ben is gone. Juliet pretends that Ben disappeared while she wasn’t looking. Roger freaks out some more. He’s going to security.

“Well, here we go,” says Juliet.

On the way to The Orchid, Hurley is writing in a composition notebook. He wonders if Miles has farted. He is determined to find out what the bad smell is. Miles pulls over (why?) and Hurley finds the body bag. Miles tells Hurley that he’s Alvarez. Alvarez was digging a hole, and thinking about a girl named Andrea, when his filling blew through his head and killed him. When Hurley realizes that Miles can talk to the dead, he tells him that his secret is safe with him because Hurley can talk to the dead too.

Off the island, Miles is scamming some man who lost his son. He wants to know if his dead son knew he loved him. Miles says that his son always knew and then takes the man’s money. When Miles gets to his car, he’s approached by Naomi. Her employer is interested in his unique services. He follows her to a restaurant.

On the island, Kate sees Roger drinking on the swing set. She tries to comfort him by saying that she has a feeling Ben will be okay. Roger gets suspicious because Kate is stupid.

On their way to The Orchid, Miles can’t believe that Hurley can actually see the dead people he talks to. With Miles he only knows what they knew up until they died.

When they get to The Orchid, Dr. Chang is shitty that Hurley is there. Hurley opens his big mouth and says that he won’t tell anyone about the dead body. Chang tells him that if he does, he’ll have him shipped to Hydra Island where he’ll weigh polar bear turds for experiments. He orders the body taken inside and leaves. Hurley calls him a douche. Miles says, “That douche is my dad.”

Told you so! I called that from the opening of the season premiere.

Naomi takes Miles to an abandoned restaurant where there’s a dead body in the kitchen. She wants to know about him. Miles tells her the man was named Felix and he was on his way to deliver photos of empty graves and a purchase order for an old airplane to Widmore.

She tells him she’s leading an expedition to the island to look for a man. There are a bunch of dead bodies on the island that the man is responsible for. Miles says no… until she tells him he’ll be paid $1.6 million. Then he’s down for whatever.

Back on the island, Hurley wants to talk about the fact that Chang is Miles’ father. Miles doesn’t. He says he knew something was weird when he was on line for lunch and his mother got in line behind him. Chang wants them to take him to Radzinski.

Jack is cleaning up a classroom when Roger comes in. Jack is cleaning Roger’s rooms because he thought Roger might need a minute… you know, with the missing, shot, son. Roger voices his suspicions about Kate to Jack. Instead of talking him out of it, Jack admits that Kate is his friend and that she wouldn’t hurt Ben. Way to make him suspicious of BOTH OF YOU, Jack!

On the way to Radzinski, Hurley tries to get Chang to talk about his family. He points out that Miles has the same name as Chang’s son… which is his son. Chang seems kinda nice.

When they get there, Miles and Hurley wait in the van. One guy needs to know the serial number that goes on the hatch door. Hurley knows the last number. When Miles asks him how, Hurley says that they’re building the hatch that crashed their plane.

Off the island, Miles is walking down the street eating a fish taco (I really need to try one of those things!) when some guys in a van jump him and toss him in the van. Hey, it’s Jimmy Kimmel! He tells Miles that he doesn’t want to work for Widmore and he damn sure doesn’t want to take his ass to that island. He asks Miles if he knows what lies in the shadow of the statue. He doesn’t. He tells Miles that if he goes with them they can answer all his questions about his ability, his father, etc. Go with them!

Miles turns them down and they kick him to the curb… literally. Jimmy Kimmel tells him that he’s on the losing team and they speed off.

On the island, Hurley and Miles are headed back to camp and Hurley tells him that there will be an accident with the hatch they are building and they’ll have to install “the button.” Hurley thinks it’s great that Miles has a chance to get to know his Dad, but Miles doesn’t see it that way. He doesn’t want Hurley in his business. He snatches Hurley’s notebook and reads from it.

Hurley is writing The Empire Strikes Back… with a few improvements. He’s going to send it to George Lucas. Miles thinks it’s stupid. I think it’s hysterical.

Jack is at Juliet and Sawyer’s place when Sawyer gets home. He warns them that Roger is suspcious of Kate and leaves. Phil comes to Sawyer’s house and tells him that he knows who took Ben. He has the video. Sawyer invites him to explain and then knocks him out when he realizes that Phil hasn’t told anyone. He tells Juliet to get some rope.

Off the island, Miles goes back to the man he duped out of money. He admits that he lied about talking to his dead son. He tells the man that if he loved his son, he should have made sure his son knew when he was still alive. Dayum. That’s cold.

On the island, Hurley tells Miles about his issues with his father. He compares their Dad situations to Luke and Darth Vader. Hilarious! “Let’s face it, the Ewoks sucked, dude.”

Miles watches through the window as his father holds baby Miles. Hegot his little DI jumper on! How stinkin’ cute! Chang gets a call and kisses baby Miles before leaving. He sees big Miles and tells him they have to go meet a sub of scientists from Ann Arbor.

Dan is one of the scientists off the sub!

Next week, we get a Lost special. The tale of the Oceanic 6 from a whole new perspective.

Then we get a new episode, the 100th. Sides are chosen, some go, some fight. It’s on, bitches!

Thoughts, predictions, questions… share!

 

Nina’s Top Ten Signs You Have No Home Training

Get out your pen and paper. It’s quiz time!

10) You’re invited to a dinner party. It’s the day of the party and you have no idea if children are invited. You call and call the host, but get a busy signal. Do you…

A – Call a sitter just in case and show up without your children.

B – Show up with your children and apologize if it seems to be a problem.

C – Show up with your children without apologizing. After all, if they didn’t want children in attendance they should have specified.

9) You have some kind of event at your home that requires gifts (baby shower, bridal shower, birthday/housewarming party, etc.) Do you…

A – Thank people in attendance as you open their gifts, and then mail personal thank you cards within one week of event.

B – Thank people in attendance as you open their gifts, and shoot a thank you e-mail to anyone that sent a gift, but didn’t attend.

C – Gratitude is for suckers.

8 ) You’re in the self check-out lane at your local market, ringing items up, when you realize you don’t want some of the items. Do you…

A – Finish ringing up your purchases, and then take each unwanted item back to it’s proper place within the store.

B – Inform the check-out attendant that you don’t want the items and give them to him/her.

C – Leave them on the conveyor belt for the next person to deal with.

7) You’re invited to a social gathering at someone’s home. You offer to bring something, but the host says it’s not necessary. Do you…

A – Show up with something (a bottle of wine, plate of cookies, flower bouquet) anyway.

B – Show up empty-handed, but offer to help clear the table/wash dishes after dinner.

C – Show up empty-handed.

6) Your neighbor is taking her kids to see the latest big-budget animation flick. She offers to take your kid as well. Do you…

A – Assume nothing and offer up money for your child’s ticket and possible concession stand wants.

B – Assume the ticket is paid for and send your child with money for anything they might want from the concession stand.

C – Just let your kid go with no offer to pay for anything.

5) You find a ten-dollar bill wrapped in a receipt in the parking lot of your kid’s school. Do you…

A – Turn it in to the office. Maybe the secretary can make an announcement.

B – Ask some people in the immediate area. If no one claims it, keep it.

C – Finders keepers, losers…  are out ten bucks!

4) You have your sister’s kid at the mall the week before Christmas. Santa is there taking pics and the line is really short. It’s the kid’s first Christmas. Do you…

A – Keep on walkin’.

B – Call your sister and ask if she’d mind you having the pictures taken.

C – Get in line without calling your sister, get the pictures taken, and hop in one of ‘em to boot!

3) You’re at a dinner party when you drop a messy hors d’ oeuvre on the floor. No one sees. Do you…

A – Pick it up, tell the host you did it, and offer to clean it up.

B – Tell the host that “someone” did it.

C – Say nothing, and kick it under the sofa careful not to get any on your shoe.

2) You’re leaving a store with your child and putting him/her into their car seat when you notice they have something from the store and you didn’t pay for it. You’re running late to your next appointment. Do you…

A – Go back in the store to pay for the item or return it with apologies.

B – Leave without going back into the store, but you return later with the item to either pay for it or apologize.

C – Leave.

1) You’re at your boyfriend’s parent’s house for the first time. Everyone is sitting around the living room chatting over coffee when you feel a major fart coming on. You could leave the room, but the movement might unleash the dragon. Do you…

A – Hold it in even though you risk blowing out your belly button.

B – Risk leaving the room. It’s rude to fart in front of others, but if it escapes while you’re trying to do the right thing, well… that’s not your fault, right?

C – You let it rip and then glare at the dog.

Tally up!

Give yourself 3pts for every A answer, 2pts for every B answer, and 1 pt. for every C answer.  Add up your points.

1-15 points – You’re like, one step above a felon. How do you look at yourself in the mirror. Wait. Is that even your mirror?

16-24 points – You suspect. I can be your friend, but you might not be welcome in my house.

25-30 points – Your mama raised you right! Who’s your mama? Martha Stewart?

If you have an idea for future Top Ten topic, send it to me at nina@blogitoutb.com. You may see it here one Wednesday. Also, if you have some bad behavior venting to get off your chest, head over to How Rude Are You and let loose!

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