The Spank Debate
March 23, 2009 by nina
Filed under Mommy Monday
In the last Mommy Monday blog I wrote about controlling my desire to yell at Kali for every infraction, even the ones she couldn’t control. Taking it a step further, I made a pact with myself to find other ways to discipline and get my point across when the situation warranted some kind of discipline. I began the blog with a short explanation of my views on spanking children. It seemed that received more feedback than the rest of the blog. So, I decided to revisit that topic in further detail for today’s Mommy Monday blog.
You can read the first part of the last blog here.
If you read the first blog, then you know that Kali has received one, open-hand, spanking as a toddler, and received not so much as a swat since. When explaining my feelings on spanking, I think it’s important to separate pre-motherhood and post-motherhood.
Before having children, I knew that I didn’t want to spank to discipline. I got spankings and beatings a child. It’s just how my mother and stepfather rolled. I grew up in a time when parents spanked and openly admitted it. Hell, parents would spank other people’s children! It was more than “it takes a village,” and more like, “if you don’t act right in my house, I’ll spank you, and then you can go and tell your mom I did so I can spank her too for not raising you better!”
I’ve been spanked with a belt, slipper, and open hand. I’ve been yelled at and smacked. I know the fear that comes with anticipating a spanking, the loss of self-respect, and the loss of respect for the parent that beats you.
My initial response to spanking my future children was definitely an emotional one. It is said that children often grow up to repeat certain behaviors, and I have a temper. I knew before becoming a Mom that not spanking was something I’d have to work at. But, I also had another model to follow. My father didn’t spank. It’s not that he didn’t believe in it, and I’m sure I gave him ’cause to, but our relationship had the luxury of blossoming over weekends, summer vacations, and the occasional holiday; not really a lot of room for spankings.
But really, I attribute my desire not to spank my own children to being spanked as a kid. It was always annoying when people would say, “Oh, you’ll feel differently once you have a kid.” I just found that to be completely ignorant. Not spanking is a choice, and I have every right to it. I found it ridiculous that once my children got here, I’d give up my decision to try other discipline options and go, “Yeah, I need to beat that ass.”
After I became a Mom, as I said, I spanked once out of frustration and immediately regretted it. I didn’t like the way it made Kali feel, I didn’t like the way it made me feel, and I was disappointed in myself for not employing other alternatives.
Now, with ten years, and two kids, under my belt, I’m proud to say I’m a non-spanker. Here’s why (all my opinion):
1. Emotionally, spanking is harmful. One would assume, and hope, that people are only striking their children because they believe this will effectively correct negative behavior. With emotions running high (you = disappointed, annoyed, angry, etc., your child = embarrassed, frustrated, afraid, defiant, etc.), why add violence to the mix?
Spanking affects the way your child feels about you and themselves. I’m sure adults who were spanked love their parents. I love my mother immensely, but when I was getting spanked as a young child, and later received beatings with a belt as I got older, I didn’t always like her. And I judged her as a parent. I didn’t feel good about myself because it made me feel like the only way for her to teach me was to hit me.
Finally, personally, I honestly get sick to my stomach just thinking about striking my kids. It’s just not a place I’d like to go.
2. Spanking doesn’t work. I don’t think any discipline technique is 100% effective. We all know that every child is different. Grounding two teenagers for the exact same offense may correct the behavior in one the first time, and not at all with the other. I cringe every time I hear someone say that some children need to be beaten/spanked.
I know just the child they’re talking about. We all do. That kid that just doesn’t listen. The one that back-talks and runs amuck.
Almost always that’s the child that received almost no discipline at all. Sassy behavior was ignored or seen as “cute.” Any non-spanking forms of discipline weren’t consistent and then one day you wake up and the kid is running the show. Now the parent wants to spank. They want to spank to gain control and respect in a situation that has already spun out of control.
A little bit of this goes a long way.
Is it ever too late? I don’t think so. I do think that the longer you go without employing any discipline just makes matters worse, and to suddenly decide that spanking a kid you allowed to become a terror isn’t going to help. I know people who were spanked and people who weren’t, and they still committed all of the offenses most of us did growing up; teenage sex, missing curfews, lying, slacking off in school occasionally, etc.
I’ve never met a person that says they got one spanking, and then never misbehaved again. Not one. So, if I have a choice, and I do, why not try other forms of discipline that don’t involve violence?
3. I think that, sometimes, spanking is more about the parent’s inability to discipline effectively and less about actually handing out an appropriate punishment for the child.
Again, I know I have a temper, and it would be so easy for me to just spank Kali at every turn, and then send her to her room. But what does she learn? Mommy is bigger than me and can hit me when I mess up? I just have a problem with the message that sends.
And it boggles my mind when parents spank, the child cries, and the parent doesn’t want to hear it! It’s like, they want to spank, correct the behavior, demand respect, gain control, and defy physics! I’m gonna hit you, and it will hurt (and let’s face it, a spanking parent wants it to hurt or else, what’s the point?), but you better not cry about it!
4. What kind of message does it send? We teach our kids that no one has the right to hit them, except us because we gave birth to them. But don’t worry, I’ll only do it when you deserve it, and only because I love you. Yeah, you let your daughter come home with that as an excuse as to why her boyfriend hits her and see how that flies.
5. It doesn’t work! Did I say that already? Good. It bears repeating. I think that, for the most part, kids will always try to get away with what they can. Sometimes it’s because teenagers become defiant by nature, or they honestly don’t think their parents know what they’re talking about. Also, there’s a sense of immortality and invincibility with kids. There’s a reason they’re not allowed to drive, drink, vote, etc. until certain ages. Their reasoning and judgment isn’t always developed enough to handle certain responsibilities. They will push limits and boundaries. The same kid that worries about getting spanked will try harder not to get caught next time, just as the kid that worries about getting his computer or video game privileges taken away.
I’m not saying that Kali is perfect. She’s not. Currently my biggest peeves involve her staying on task in school and doing things she’s told at home the first time. And the latter isn’t done out of defiance or disrespect, we just have a scatterbrain issue developing. Now, she’s grounded for a poor mark in social studies. No TV, video games, computer, or going outside for at least a week. It’s my job to be consistent. It’s my job to not give in before the week is up. It is my hope that she will think about how miserable her life has been without her favorite forms of entertainment the next time she’s tempted to not stay on task at school.
I don’t believe that spanked children grow up to be more respectful, less trouble, or more productive members of society. And because of that, I choose to discipline my children in a manner that doesn’t involve violence and taking away their self-respect.
I prefer talking, removing the child from situations (for toddlers), and taking away their comforts for older kids.
Now, a funny story…
When we first moved here we had dinner at a neighbor’s house. The kids were in another room while the adults sat around the table after dinner chatting. One of the hosts’ sons came into the kitchen complaining that their other son had done something wrong. The offending boy was called into the dining room where he admitted to the bad behavior. Kali, who was about 4 at the time, wasn’t used to sibling fighting because she was an only child. She came into the room, fascinated, and crawled into my lap.
“Go get the spatula,” the father instructed the guilty boy.
The boy shuffled off to the kitchen, wailing as he went.
“What’s a spatula?,” Kali asked me.
“It’s that thing I use to flip the pancakes.”
“Why is he crying over pancakes?”
What are your views on spankings? Do you spank? Are there limits? What are some non-spanking disciplinary action you either use, or would like to use? Do you think that spanking works? Why?
Nina is a 34-year-old mother, wife and writer who spends her days blogging, studying, changing diapers and watching ridiculous amounts of TV. She currently resides in Atlanta, Georgia, with her husband, two children and three TiVos.
[...] The Spank Debate | Blog It Out Bitch (blogitoutb.com) – March 23, 2009It’s just how my mother and stepfather rolled. I grew up in a time when parents spanked and openly admitted it. Hell, parents would spank other people’s children! It was more than “it takes a village,… [...]