One Way Sleepover

This article today made me think of this blog.

http://www.mercurynews.com/breakingnews/ci_12141345

Slumber parties are an important part of childhood. It's not just about being with your friends....it's an opportunity to learn to trust your kid, that she will behave and that she will use the good lessons you've taught her, if she's uncomfortable or wants to come home, she'll call. Sleepovers are a lesson on being independant for any kid. It's good to learn how to have fun and be apart from your family. If Kali is always under your wing.....well, she'll always be under your wing. You have to let her learn to trust herself.

You need to take the leap and meet the parents.....and let her sleep out of the house.

Hell No I couldnt do sleepovers!

I agree with you 100% ! I was never allowed to sleep at anyone's house for the very reasons you have stated! I have four boys and my baby girl and I don't even let my sons, and my eldest is 17 sleep anywhere but home. They have friends over all the time, they have sleepovers all the time , but I can't allow them to sleep away from home because there's too many variables out there! I have heard of some parents trying to be friends with their kids instead of parents, allowing girls or boys over, drinking , drugs.. too much to list! The one time I slept away from home, I begged my mom. it was at my cousins house. My brother had to come along, and my mom was assured that my cousin's mom was going to watch us closely... well night rolls in and to my horror she left us alone to go clubbing, a man broke into the house and I woke up to my brother shushing me and hiding me in the closet under all these dirty clothes. My cousins friend was being dragged down the hall and she was crying, I was so scared, but my brother scared the man away and saved the day thank God!
It turns out the neighbor saw the mother leave the house and knew all these girls were there and broke into the house! That was my first and last time ever asking to sleep away from home. My mom was so pissed at her cousin, they didn't speak for many years! I always thought I was protective about my sons Nina, but When I held my daughter in my arms, well words can't express the protectiveness I feel for Arianna. You keep on being a Lioness!

On another note, the neighbor girl across the street is 12 yrs old and loves coming to our house - granted we only have the 2 boys so I don't know what the fascination with us is. She always is asking if she can stay the night. I feel bad telling her no because I am the only female in a house with 3 males, and can you imagine the stories that could be "made up". She did stay one night when it was an emergency and her parents were at the hospital but that was it. I'm concerned of what stories could be made up about my husband or one of my sons. Not saying that she would do it, but you never know...

I have 2 boys - age 17 and 13. I have to have their friends phone numbers and addresses, including home and cell phone numbers, before my boys can even go for an hour just to hang-out. I would rather meet the boy before they go hang out, and with 99% of them I have met or know them. I don't allow them to stay over unless I have met/talked to their parents a few times, and would really rather they stayed over at our house instead. My 17 year olds friends all ask if they can move in with us while they are in college, because they can't wait to get out of their own houses. I don't understand that. I asked my son if he wanted to move out when he was 18 and he said no, he's not like his friends who can't wait to get out of their parents houses.

Sleepovers aren't an issue for my daughter b/c she's only five. It's all about daytime play dates right now. When we went on our first play date, the mom told me that I could stay or feel free to leave and run some errands. I thought she was crazy. I'm not leaving my child with you, I barely know you. So I stayed and I checked out the house, got to know her, made sure there were so crazy dogs, transients hiding in the attic, etc. Now, a year (and many play dates) later, I feel comfortable leaving my daughter with this family for an hour and a half to two hour play date.

Sleepovers are much different than afternoon play dates, but if I had to decide right now, I'd probably have a one-way policy as well until I feel comfortable with that family, very, very comfortable. My stance could change on that too later on down the line.

I know the statistics and I know that women can be molesters too and maybe what I'm about to say is very sexist, but I just can't help but worry about the dads and brothers if I were to send my girl to a friend's to sleep over.

No you're not wrong for wanting to protect your child(ren). As parents it's our job to protect our children. We're given the mommy radar for a reason. Besides it will help you sleep at night knowing where your child is, what they're doing, and whats going on with them.

I have the same rule for my children and have already had to implement it when my daughter was invited to stay at a friends house. I had never spoken with the parents, i knew of them and the problems they were having at home, and just decided to steer clear of the situation altogether. My daughter was upset and very disappointed but I had to explain it's my job to protect her and I that didn't think it was a good idea for her to go. She was only 5 at the time so I didn't go into to many details. We've talked about good touches and bad touches. She knows the proper names for her body parts and knows if she doesn't want me, her dad, sister, etc etc to hug her kiss her whatever its ok to say no and we respect those boundaries.

I was allowed to sleep over friends' homes as a teen. I could only stay with family before that. Even still with some of the things I saw and did at my friends' homes my mom NEVER would've approved or let me stay again had she known. I got burnt out on slumber parties myself after staying at a friends home that was infested with bugs and rodents. I didn't sleep comfortably that night and couldn't wait until the next day to get home. After that experience I can't remember staying at anymore friends' homes.

I never had sleepovers until I was about 15. Never would have wanted them either. I loved my mum and as we were (are) like friends I was quite happy staying at home. I don't have kids, but you can't take too many chances these days. I wouldn't want to send my kid on a sleepover until they were into their teens, and only then if I knew the parent(s) well.

Here's my story. Not saying yes or no, but I just want you to read this. When I was a girl I hated my mom for not letting me spend the night at anyone's house. When I was a teenager I asked her, again, why. She told me when she was a young teen she went to sleep over a friends house. No party, just her at a school friends house. Before the girls parents went to bed the girl kept telling my mom to go to the bathroom. My mom didn't have to go, but because it was such a big deal, she went into the bathroom and pretended to go, flushing, washing hands. About an hour later while the girls were giggling away, my mom got up and her friend asked where she was going. Mom said the bathroom and her friend said 'you can't'. My mom really had to go but was told she'd have to hold it until morning. Why? Because the girls dad slept with a loaded gun under his pillow, and if you made a sound or got out of your bed he'd SHOOT!! My mom said it scared her so much she somehow held it but never slept the entire night. So, that's why I couldn't sleep over.

I said I'd never make my boys feel like the outcast I felt like, and I'd let them go to sleepovers. Then something happened. I had just had my youngest when my brother in law's best friend let his son sleep over with the boy scout leader. They were going to sleep in tents in the leader's backyard, but a horrible thunder/lightening storm happened. So, the leader let the kids sleep in his basement where there were a couple rooms with beds and the rest slept on the floor in another room in their sleeping bags. The leader called everyone's parents and cleared it, telling the parents not to worry the kids were all right. During the night the troop leader went downstairs and sexually molested by bil's friend's son. He told the kid all the crap these pervs tell kids and left the room, went back upstairs. Then a little while later the leader went back down and some kids woke up but pretended to be asleep. They heard him saying that 'because your dad is a cop, there is no way I can let you live because you'll tell' The kids heard the boy crying and begging to live, but were too young and too scared to move, they (they were only around 9 years old) just laid there and pretended to sleep. The leader walked out after shooting/killing the boy. My brother in law made me promise to never let my kids sleep over anyone's house and since I knew his best friend and we were all stunned, I agreed. I didn't want my kids in anyone's house. My oldest son never slept away from home until he went on a school week long trip that every fifth grade went on. After that if anyone wanted sleepovers they happened in my house. I was looking back at photos the other day, and I remarked out loud that 'I always had a house full of kids' and that's how you get the kids to come to your house. My boys never told their friends that they weren't allowed to go to sleepovers, they'd just tell them they were going to be somewhere else, so couldn't make it and 'how about coming to my house next weekend'. Other kids parents used to wonder 'how I could stand having all those boys in my house every weekend' and I'd just smile and say I loved it...because I did. My boys were safe.

i cringe just thinking about my daughter sleeping over at her father's house. if shes not with me im not comfortable at all no matter WHO she is with.

When I was younger, my mom never let me go to anyone's house for anything, not even birthday parties. The party had to be at a park or the skating rink or some public place and she had to know the parents. I always thought she was just being mean, but when you write it like that I kinda get it. She was actually looking out for my well being.

I dont recall having sleep overs in elementary school. When I got to middle school I had some but my mom always have to meet the parents way before hand and feel them out before I could even dream of asking her to sleep over. To tell you the truth I grew up in a very clean house so if I went over to a friends house like after school and their house was nasty I wouldnt have felt comfortable sleeping over anyways.

Well you wanted more of the point of views of a single dad, so here's mine as a girl who was raised by one.

My mom was really active in PTA and such at school when she was alive and I started staying at people's houses when I was about 8. I was to call when I got there if I was picked up and when I woke up. My parents had to have phone numbers and addresses or it just didn't fly. When my mom passed when I was 10, things were much different for my dad. I was also a surprise child as someone else said as my brothers are 14 and 11 years older than me respectively, and when my mom passed my dad was nearly 50.

So when people met my dad to have me come over, they kind of felt like they were meeting the creepy old guy, though my dad looked a bit like Santa meets Buddha.

I would ask all the time if I could have such and such girl stay the night and my dad, even if he had a live in girl friend just was not comfortable with it. So it never got around to the friend asking their parents. Though I'm sure most of them probably would have said no as after my mom passed it was me and three grown men in that house.

Though, once parents got to know me and my dad and my brothers (my brothers were the cool chaperons on all the field trips) people were dying to come over and parents of my friends wanted to spend more time with my dad as he had the greatest stories, and my friends always raved about the little bit of time they did spend with him.

It was hard for my dad, immensely hard for him. He let me go all over the place after my mom died, and was much more lenient that she ever was. But I really think in the end he was hoping I'd find some mother figure in a friend's mom I would confide in about all the things I just refused to mention to him.

I never thought too much about it...my daughter is now 27 and she did quite a few sleepovers with no ill effects but it's a different time and I can understand your reasons. My boys spent the night out a few times but they preferred being at home.

You have to do what you think is best and if you're comfortable with it. I think you're doing a great job.

As someone who had a childhood best friend with a dad who was tryina' be Chester I would say you're not even overreacting. Thankfully I had parents who had raised me right, at the age of 8, so I was able to handle the situation in a way that avoided any actual happenings and me reporting it immediately to my parents. After that I didn't get to go to other people's houses for sleep overs until I was 15. And even then it was only my best friend's house where my parents knew the parents well. More importantly my parents knew they could trust me to tell them if there was a problem.

Granted you don't want to let your child into a situation where they're going to have to know how to handle a problem in the first place. But the thing is it can happen anywhere, not just at sleepovers. There is a lot of good information out there about how to prepare your kids for those types of situations. For example one of the most effective ways to prepare your kids is to teach them to use the medical terms for their private parts.

A molester is a lot less likely to think he (or she) will get away with something if the response to his "This is just a secret between you and me, okay?"
Is something along the lines of "You're not supposed to be touching my vagina." Instead of 'That's my ping-ping!"

Another thing that is important is to educate your child that it is okay for them to tell you anything, and not just a general mysterious "You know you can tell me anything, right?" But to very specifically teach your children that it is okay for them to tell you stuff, even(especially) if someone has threatened them, family, or someone else.

It's tough stuff to talk about with your kids, but it's one of the most important conversations you can have.

It's interesting... we seem to have sort of a double standard where boys and girls are concerned. I wonder if dads feel the same way? Like, "You can't have my daughter for a sleepover... but go ahead, take my son!" Is it sexist? Are we right to assume it's more dangerous for little girls than little boys? Or is that the kind of thinking that leads to priests taking advantage of altar boys?

Other people's parents freak me out!
When Shelby turned 13 we rented a skating rink out and let her brothers invite 2 friends a piece.
Well one of the kids showed up (SHE was 6) and her dad just took off. Did not ask how long the party was, had never met me or the other 100 people there.

I was completely freaked out!

Shelby is allowed to spend the night ONLY where I personally know and have a relationship with the adults...and never where there are brothers or boys of any kind over 5. I know I am weird, I don't care.

I was never allowed to sleepover. My father always said no. I didn't understand it then but now I do. My daughter is not allowed. So many people come on Oprah saying they were molested that I think half of america has been molested. Damn.

Seriously I agree with you. No sleepovers. You are doing the right thing.

Its so scary that I have to ask my daughter at times if she has been touched. So many times you hear of girls that were touched and threathened not to tell or someone they know would be killed. My parents never asked me that when I was younger. Thank God I've never been molested. Wheewww. Its crazy.

Was my stepmother wrong? Am I? Are we overreacting? What are some of the rules in place for your children? Were you allowed to sleep over at a friend’s house?

Ok, ur stepmoms not wrong. Ur not wrong. UR both not overreacting. My parents didnt like me sleeping over anyones house that wasnt family. I started sleeping over peoples houses when I was well into HS. And it was either my (now EX) best friend's house or my friend's house who my parents knew her mother. SO now that I look at your POV, I understand a little more where they were coming from but after a certain age, I think it is a little too restraining and strict.

When I have kids, Ill probably not allow them to sleepover anyone's home until they are in HS. Interesting subject btw.

ok so I am going to raise my hand as a shitty ass parent who will let her kid sleep over just about anywhere.
Here is the thing, I am a single parent and at times I have to travel. For the most part I have had live in help but there has been the occasion where I had to leave Dei with someone while i was out of town. Top that off from the time she was 2 until she was about 5 her primary babysitter was a young man who was 19 when I met him.
I never worried and I still dont. For one I think we all live in far too much fear ( seriously how many actual cases of a razor blade in an apple have there been yet now kids cant get fruit at Halloween ).
I never had anti-bacterial anything in the house when she was a baby...let her crawl around on the floor with the dogs before she could walk...some say its nasty...my view is my kid has an amazing immune system to the point she didnt even see her peditrician from the age of 5 (last shots ) til 9.
At 10, my daughter knows where her fallopian tubes are, that it is better to have sex when you are in love and that I stunted my growth by smoking weed when I was 13...and the end result is she says seeing as she wants to be tall, she wont touch drugs, she has no interest in sex because she doesnt want to get pregnant and she knows that if ANYONE tries to touch her or makes a comment that she has permission to scream, hit, bite or anything else it takes...and she isnt afraid to tell me anything.
What kills me is the most "molested" she has felt has been from other kids ( boys ) at school saying things on the bus or at recess...so should I pull her our of school?
I think the best way to protect your child is to educate them on the perils of the world and hope they never have to use that education...but you cant keep them from living...

Ok so since I'm NEVER going to be a parent I can say...Yeah that's MEAN!

But seriously, they're your kids and you can parent anyway you'd like. I don't think either will suffer lifelong issues having not experienced this rite of childhood. I had them all the time and came out the better for it. Sometimes it's fun to experience the way others do things if only for the novelty of it. It's how I discovered the heaven of boysenberry syrup!

I do think parents these days have gone a tad overboard on the everyone-is-a-child-molestor bandwagon. What's sad is that it backfires. There are fewer (good) men teaching elementary school. One of the best teachers I ever had was a man during that period. There are also several stories of men forgoing helping children in need (one eventually drowned) because they are terrified of being accused of molestation. I don't blame them.

I got to sleep over at friends houses only when my mother knew them. She was a stay-at-home mom and she was very involved with my school, so she knew all my closest friends mothers. I was a strange case though...I was a surprise child. My sister was born into 1969, and I was born in 1989. So my best friends was my sisters best friends daughter and my school librarians daughter. lol so my mom knew my best friends mom, dad, AND her grandparents because of my sister. My best friend and I would spend several nights at each others houses in a row, but then again we lived only about 2 miles apart. There were kids that I couldnt spend the night at, which made me feel excluded at the time, but now I understand. When I got married, I "inherited" my husbands sisters two kids (cause shes a twat who is a horrible mother) and I wouldnt let her spend the night with anyone I didnt know. I think youre completly right. Also, girls can be very very mean to each other and its good to supervise them so there arent as many hurt feelings. You never know, and its better to be too protective than not enough.

Extremely sore subject, for a kid (my daughter) who rarely spends the night anyplace, and who has friends who don't spend the night here (remember, I'm the pervy man, as if men have the corner on child endangerment but that's another topic). She's got an aunt near her age, and two other friends who's parents are friends of mine. That's about where it ends. We're all kind of protecting of our kids...you guys in a proactive way, me in a "if you harm one hair on her head, the police won't beat me and my arsenal to you" kind of way...

It's easy to kid about, but considering the autonomy and responsibility I give The Girl, being relegated to watching her older brother entertain guest after guest while she gets shot down is getting to be quite painful to her the older she gets; there are many things that don't get to me (being Sgt. Parent), but having your kid be penalized because you're male is not fun.

I don't think you're over-reacting. Some parents are just so quick to get rid of their kids, I don't think they realize (or care about) the dangers. My best friend slept over my house quite a bit during the summer, but I grew up in a house of women, and our grandmothers had been friends for ages (she just lived 3 houses down).

I remember when I was 8 and my classmate mom had a birthday party at McDonald's (they had they rent out long before Chuckie Cheese ever came along.) Tia's mom picked all the girls in class up from school that afternoon. My mother was the only parent that showed up to meet the woman. As a kid, I just thought my mom was just being her friendly, outgoing self. It wasn't until I grew up that I realized she was actually checking homegirl out(height, weight, tag number, etc.). That way, if anything happened to me, she'd be able to give the police the woman's description!

My daughter just turned 14, we have lots and lots of sleep overs at my house, and she has gone to a few, but only after the kid has stayed with us a few times so I have a good feel for the child and the parents have talked to me when they pick up or drop off their child and they have talked to me when the other child wants Amanda to spend the night. My son is just seldom interested in having friends over to spend the night he wants play dates then to have everyone go home LOL

OMG! That happened to me for Halloween. One kid's parent dropped him off...never came in to meet us, introduce herself...nothing. For all she knew, she just dropped her kid off to film a porn movie.

"When I was younger I remember my stepmother had a rule for my sister; she was not allowed to sleep over at anyone’s house".....Is that a black thing because that's how it was for me. I hated that I could never spend the night over a friend's home. Sad part I'm the same way. If you're not blood (and I question them...lol) it's just not going down.

I fully expect parents to allow their children in my home but w/my children....no. I'm so bad that my Japanese friend invited Gavin over for a play date where I could drop him off and leave. I totally flaked on her because 1) she lives in an apartment...I was thinking that if something happened, that's over 100 apartments the police would have to search vs. 1 house 2) there are a lot of foreigner's in this particular building....I started thinking if INS raided the building, it take me days to get my baby back and then I started thinking, she'd run off with my son...mind you her son has stayed overnight, come over for parties without her....I'm am THE most paranoid parent on earth.

Thankfully Gavin has a friend from school whose mom invited Gavin over and the cool thing with her and I totally appreciated that fact she invited me to come over her home before the play date to do a walk through of her home...and I did. She took me to each room, including their bedroom....let me know there are not into drugs, they own no guns etc....that made me feel okay about allowing Gavin to go over there.

Then I had a parent invite Gavin over and what messed me up with her is she said she was going to be at work but the step dad would be home....the step dad works with my husband (3rd shift) and I asked her "doesn't he have to rest so how is he going to watch over them?" she told me she has a teenage daughter at home and she'll be watching them....just know Gavin didn't make that play date.

Congratulations on raising a maladjusted, undersocialized future deviant.