Nip/Tuck Season 5.5 Epi. 8: Giselle Blaylock & Legend Chandler

Previously on Nip/Tuck: Teddy wants to have sex with Sean on nitrous. Olivia’s daughter, Slutsherface, gets into porn (and bed) with Ram and Kimber. Christian has cancer and proposes to Liz.

And now…

Giselle Blaylock has scars on her neck given to her by her boyfriend, Legend. They drink each other’s blood during sex. He bit her neck and nicked her artery. She almost died.  The scars on her neck need to be repaired. And then I pretty much stop paying attention ’cause I’m tryna figure out if Legend also played a vampire on True Blood…

And we have credits…

“Make me beautiful. Make meeeeeeeee…..”

Teddy is getting all hooched up while Sean is getting dinner ready at his place. And they’re playing this kickass Kanye West song.

Why is Teddy putting on a red wig? Sean calls her, but she doesn’t answer. Why? ‘Cause she’s in Vegas talking with a fake southern accent and assisting her plastic surgeon husband. Yup, husband. He calls her Dixie. It seems he thinks she was off taking care of a dying aunt while she’s been living as Teddy with Sean.

Kimber climbs in bed with Slutsherface (Eden) and Ram. They don’t want to threeway with her anymore. She’s old. She gives a “I Will Survive” speech and prances out. It’s kinda embarrassing.

"Just wait till YOU turn 30, horseface." - Kimber

At her consultation, Giselle gets weak and Legend offers her something to drink. She’s upset cause it’s not steak blood. Christian takes her fake vamp teeth and offers to take Legend’s but his are real and need to be filed down by a dentist.

Once they’re gone, nasty ass Christian puts Giselle’s nasty ass teeth in his mouth. And then he gets a bright idea! He tells Sean, Liz, and Matt that when he’s close to death, they’ll have to call the cryogenics company that will freeze his body until there’s a cure for cancer. They clown him, and rightfully so. When Matt balks at the cost ($200K, plus $5k a month), Christian accuses him of just wanting his money. Christian asks that Sean just go with him to see the place before passing judgment.

Christian wants to go out Han Solo-style.

Teddy arrives late for Giselle’s neck surgery.  She tells Sean she’s been in Houston making arrangements for an aunt that died. Sean apologizes for snapping at her ’cause he’s simple and gullible.

Kimber drops off Jenna with Matt. She wants Jenna to live with Matt for the next two weeks.  She admits that Ram kicked her out because she was too old. Matt tells her that she’s not old, she’s beautiful and he suggests that the three of them get a place together like a real family Jesus! He must get his lack of balls from Sean! Kimber is all, “Boy, are you high?”

Denied.

Matt tells Kimber about Christian and Liz’s upcoming nuptials. He also tells her that Christian is dying.

Teddy makes Sean some Texas chili. She talks about her dead aunt. Don’t know if that’s true or not. She talks about skipping the wedding and then they have sex. She takes a few hits of nitrous while they’re doing it. Sean thinks its dangerous, but she compares it to him having two glasses of wine before sex.

This is dumb.

Kimber shows up at McNamara/Troy to antagonize Liz.  She tells Liz that Christian doesn’t love her. She offers to take care of Christian if Liz won’t marry him. Liz knows that all Kimber wants is Christian’s money and she ain’t having it.

“This isn’t over, butch!” Kimber sneers.

"Come near my man, and I'll show you butch."

Christian and Sean tour the cryogenics facility. Turns out Christian will be sharing a tank with someone else since they’re at full capacity.  Christian ain’t tryna hear that.

In the hall, Christian admits that he’s afraid. Sean says that Christian will live on forever through him.  Back at the office, Christian tries to write his vows, but he’s coming up short. He calls Liz for help. She advises him to keep it simple. And heartfelt. One simple sentence will do.

"Roses are red, violets are blue... you used to be a lesbian... ah, I got nothing."

That night, Christian finds Giselle and Legend making out in front of the practice’s blood supply. They’re covered in blood. He understands that they want to live forever, so he won’t report them. But he does offer up one last bag of blood before telling them to get their scary asses out of there.

Teddy is making out with her husband when she gives him a lethal dose of nitrous.  After he’s dead, she calls him a fool for falling in love with her. Sean sure knows how to pick ‘em!

Kimber shows up at Christian’s wedding.

Wilbur looks adorable walking down the aisle. Liz looks wonderful. When they get to the “if anyone has anything to say, better say it now part,” Kimber stands up. Matt hisses for her to sit her narrow ass down. She leaves in tears.

Who are all these people at the wedding?! None of the main characters on the show seems to know anybody else!

Later that night, at the office, Sean is depressed and take a hit of nitrous. I told you, he’s easily impressed. He does anything you tell him to.

Christian, Liz, and Wilbur prepare to leave for their honeymoon in Italy. Wilbur wants to call Liz Mommy now. Awww. Christian’s doctor calls and tells him that his patient I.D. number was mixed up with someone else’s number. He’s not dying. His cancer is in remission.

Ruh-roh.

How long will this happy family last?

No more Nip/Tuck till next season. What did you guys think?