Battlestar Galactica – Season 4.5 Epi 16: Deadlock

First off, a special shout out to Gus and his Tampa peeps who will hopefully be reading this tonight or tomorrow. Thanks for your kind e-mail the other day. It came during one of those self-doubting times us neurotic writers seem to have all too frequently.

Secondly, I’m so excited for tonight’s episode. I’m a sweaty, geeked-up and giddy mess. Don’t judge me!

As with last week, the recap starts after the second blue header.

Thoughts – Predictions – Questions – Theories Going Into Tonight’s Episode

1. Humans on Kobol created original skinjobs who went to Earth and eventually procreated like humans. Why can’t the skinjobs created by the Five (refuse to call them Final since they were first) reproduce with each other? Did the Five create them with that drawback? Did they just not evolve enough yet? We know the females can get pregnant by both humans (Helo, with his fine ass) and a Five Cylon (Tigh, with his gruff, sexy self), so what’s with the juice of the Dorals, Cavils, Simons, and Leobens? Was that nasty? Yeah, I think it was. Sorry.

2. So, we know that they stole the power of resurrection and creating life from the Kobol Gods and therefore got the boot. Why did the Cylons decide to go to Earth while the humans went another way? Again, how did they even know to call it Earth? It would seem that they had some contact with the 12 colonies because how would the humans even know they made it and called the place Earth!? I may be getting deeper than the show intends to go with that one.

3. Who are these messengers that appeared to the Five on Earth that no one else could see? Does this tie-in to the Head Six that only Gaius could see, and in turn, the Head Gaius that only Caprica Six could see?

4. The Five retraced their ancestors’ steps to find the 12 colonies. They stopped at the Temple of Hope, but Ellen claims they did not set up any “parlor trick” that would allow D’Anna to see their images there. So, who did?

5. We know that John was created first in Ellen’s father’s image and named after him. Will we find out why the other models were fashioned/named as they are? Does Six have a frakkin’ name?! What if it’s something really pedestrian like, Ethel? How funny would that be? She was named after Tigh’s grandmother! LOL OK, I’ll stop now.

6. I still defy anyone to tell me the show provided proof that Gaius’ Cylon-detector test didn’t work. Again, we’ve only seen evidence that it did (Boomer.) Maybe it doesn’t work on Fives because of their origins, but it worked at some point on the skinjobs we knew.

7. Who the hell set off the music that “woke up” Tigh, Tyrol, Anders and Tory? Did Ellen hear it too?

8. I know that the writers didn’t intend to make a big deal out of the Final Five until the point in season three where they realized they were going to have Gaius living aboard a Cylon base ship and only seeing the same 7 models, but how fortunate for them that they had already placed Cavil (John) in such strategic places! He was with Anders’ resistance group on Cylon-occupied Caprica, he counseled Tyrol when he suspected he might be a Cylon (which is extra frakked up since we know now that he planted Tyrol with memories of having a priest father and Oracle mother), he frakked Ellen and tortured Tigh on New Caprica.

9. I still think Starbuck is a Cylon-Human hybrid. Her Mom was military and could have easily encountered Tigh back in the day, or someone else. Her drawings as a kid? Same behavior as Hera. The apparent resurrection… but I have no answer for her brand spanking-new Viper when she returned.

10. What up with Roslin and her visions and the Opera House?

11. How did Boomer know where to find the fleet after escaping with Ellen and where the frak did she get a Raptor?

Do you have questions that I didn’t think of? Will any of these questions get answered tonight? We’re about to find out in about 24 minutes!

Deadlock

Previously on Battlestar Galactica: Galactica is falling apart at the seams, literally. Caprica Six is convinced love is what help conceived her and Saul Tigh’s baby. Before going into surgery, Anders warns Tigh to stay with the fleet. Ellen resurrected 18 months ago aboard a Cylon base ship and escapes with Boomer’s help.

And now…

Various Sixes and Eights work on Galactica alongside humans. Adama shows up and asks Tyrol if he can touch the goo they’re using to fix the ship. Tyrol explains that it hardens like cartilage and becomes really strong and flexible. Adama sticks his hand in it, and then asks if it’s alive. I’m thinking that’s something you should have asked before you touched it!

In the bowels of Galactica, people are so desperate for food they’re eating rodent pellets. OK,  I’m sure that’s not what it is, but it sure looks like it!  Caprica Six is there with a hooded shawl-like thing on like that will disguise her tall, blonde, ass.

Some ruffians, yes I called them ruffians, approach her. “Hey, Cylon.” She tells them they don’t want none of this, but they don’t listen. They insist they do. And she gives them some in the form of smacks and kicks. Looky-loos are like, “You just got your ass beat by a pregnant Cylon, son.”

Doc Cottle is checking Caprica’s baby and insists he’s fine. Tigh wants Caprica to stay in the hospital for the night, but she says she’ll be fine at home. She and the baby, Liam, are fine.

At CIC,  unidentified Raptor is picked up on Dradis. It was reported missing a year ago. So, now we know how Boomer got it – she jacked their ride!  Vipers and a heavy Raider are deployed to investigate. The Cylons confirm that there’s an Eight on board. Adama orders it brought in.

Everyone rushes to see who their visitor is. I guess it’s a slow day on Galactica. It’s Ellen. “How many dead chicks are out there?,” Hot Dog wants to know.  Tyrol approaches Boomer and gets all up in her grill. They’re practically sniffing each other like animals. It’s kinda hot!

“Nice to see you again,” he says. Awwww. Is this the first time they’ve been face-to-face since his bloated, pale face wife, Cally killed her? I think it is. She was aboard Galactica before when she, D’Anna, and Cavil wanted to make a deal concerning the Eye of Jupiter, but Athena called her out and she had to wait in the hall. That’s when she told Athena that Hera was alive and aboard the Cylon base ship.

Anyway, Chief calls her out and Adama orders her taken to the brig. They will throw a mofo in the brig in a second. Adama does not play.

Tigh shows up and can’t believe his eye! He and Ellen hug and kiss hello.

And we have credits….

While we watch credits, can I just say that my Chinese food tonight arrived ten minutes before show time? How perfect was that? And for some reason, no matter how long it takes to arrive, the Chinese food always arrives pipin’ hot! How do they do it? Ancient Chinese secret, I suppose.

Ellen fills in Tigh, Lee, Roslin and Adama on John’s plan. She explains that John wants them to rebuild resurrection because he can’t be bothered with biological trial and error and evolution and all the rest. She can tell they’re all taken aback by her fancy talk. They’re not used to her not slurring her words and stuff. To make them feel at ease she asks for a drink and Adama produces a flask from his hip. Hey, don’t judge him! It’s been a rough few days!

Ellen wants to see the other Five. She asks them to imagine what it would be like if instead of 50,000 survivors, there were only five. Imagine how close they’d be, and then to have it all torn away by John’s evil ass. Tigh tells her not to worry, that it’s all over now. Um, no it ain’t! John is still out there!

She wants to know how much he remembers and he says not much, just flashes. Lee chooses THAT moment to jump in and tell her about Anders. Information cockblocker! I hate Lee. He’s so annoying. Why did he pick that moment when we could have gotten some more Five info? Ellen insists again that she wants to see the others. Adama tells her they’ll see.

Everyone leaves her and Tigh alone and they get busy on the table. He sees her as Caprica Six before they do the do. Classy.

Meanwhile, Caprica is having tummy pains in her quarters.

Gaius returns to his Nymph Squad of Crazy Ass Followers. (NSCAF) They’re all happy to see him except one girl I’ve never seen before. Her name is Pauls. She appears to have been the leader while he was gone. Paula explains that anytime they got supplies, men would come and take them away. Now they have weapons and can protect their food and themselves.  Gaius claims he stayed away just so they could discover how strong they are. Paula ain’t having it. Head Six appears and tells Gaius that Paula’s gonna be a problem.

In the afterglow, Ellen wants to know who Tigh has frakked while she was gone. She insists she’s not mad because he thought she was dead. Dude, don’t answer it! It’s a classic woman trap! “Just tell the truth and I won’t be mad!”

He tells her he’s been frakking Caprica Six, but he thought of her every time. Ellen is not impressed to find she’s been his mental porn. She’s all on her high horse saying they made Caprica Six! Pot, meet kettle, thy name is Ellen Tigh. Conveniently, she’s forgotten that she was doing The Swirl with Cavil who looks like her Daddy, but she treats him like a son. Ick!

Adama looks at the repairs being done to Galactica.

A Six, an Eight, Tyrol, and Tory sit by Anders’ bedside. Doc Cottle is like, “It sure is crowded in here.” He is always so crotchety! Ellen shows up and strokes on Tory’s and Tyrol’s faces. She is sad to see Anders hurt. The Six tells her that they’ve been talking about taking the Cylon base ship and jumping away. They don’t feel safe in the fleet.

Ellen says it won’t work. That Hera is the hope of a blended future. (I guess John filled her in on Hera) Tory tells her that used to be true, but Caprica Six’s baby is pure Cylon and now, they can all go off and frak their hearts out to make more Cylon babies.

I see a problem with this. Unless I’m mistaken, the only male skinjobs on their side are Leobens. And according to Caprica, they’re shooting blanks. So, does Tory think that she, the Sixes, the Eights, and Ellen will be frakkin’ Anders, Tyrol, and Tigh to repopulate the race? I think that’s asking a lot of Tigh, Tyrol, and Anders. Just sayin’.

They think that they can live indefinitely on the Cylon base ship even if they don’t find a planet to colonize and they can take better care of Anders. I don’t think Ellen heard anything after, “Caprica Six’s unborn baby…”

“Caprica Six… is pregnant?”

And Tigh stares at Tory for a good five seconds before finally reacting to Ellen’s question. In those five seconds, you can totally read in his one good eye, “Thanks a lot, big mouth!”

Ellen is disgusted. “You are our children!” Tigh is stammering that he didn’t know, and that it was a surprise… as if that makes her any less pregnant or that he frakked her less. Men.

Tyrol is all, “Um, this is nice, but can we save this for Maury Povich? Are we up outta here or not?”

I loves me some Chief Tyrol!

Tigh says they are not going anywhere. They can’t abandon the fleet. They need to listen to what Anders said. Ellen is going on and on how even after her death, Tigh can’t stop poisoning her.
The Eight, Six, and Tyrol and Tory look on helplessly. “Mommy and Daddy please stop fighting!” Any minute I expect the Eight to go to her happy place.

Tigh says Ellen can go, but he’s staying. Six says they won’t leave without only some of the five. It’s all or nothing. Eight tells them to vote and majority rules. It’s the way Cylons roll and they got it from The Five.

Tyrol votes to go, which surprises the hell outta me. Tory votes to go ’cause she’s a bitch like that. Tyrol says they know Anders would want to stay and Tigh has already made known how he feels. It’s two against two. She looks to Ellen, but she’s going on about how all those years she and Tigh couldn’t get pregnant must mean that he didn’t really love her. I forgot, Cylons believe that conception is only possible with love. Those crazy kids! Ellen refuses to cast her deciding vote and storms out.

Down in the bowels of the ship, Gaius’ followers show him how they don’t need to hide themselves anymore. They’ve been trading the jewelry they make for food. Um, if people are starving why the frak would they trade their hamster pellets for some homemade bracelets? But, whatever. Gaius comes across a pretty girl with a cute son named Gaius. Little Gaius is starving and Gaius proclaims for all to hear that he’s gonna come back and feed everyone if it’s the last thing he does. Paula does not look pleased.

Roslin approaches Caprica in the hallway and congratulates her on the baby and apologizes to her for the attack in Dogsville (?) So, the bowels have a name! As they walk through the halls people stare like, “Well, ain’t that a bitch. Three years on the run from the bastards and now they’re all chummy chummy.”

Roslin and Caprica agree that they haven’t had visions since Caprica’s been pregnant. Roslin wants to know if that means Liam is important. And Caprica is all, “Heifer, he’s important no matter what! He’s my baby!” Roslin is properly put in her place.

Starbuck’s at the bar and wonders when the bartender got a piano in the joint. He doesn’t answer. Rude. Tyrol shows up for a drink and Starbuck asks if he’s gone to see Boomer yet. No. Well, she says, you should go watch her while she sleeps. It’s what I do with Anders and it’s not at all creepy. Tyrol takes the whole bottle and leaves. You know, I’m not sure I like a bar on Galactica. I miss the days of everyone drinking in their quarters to hide their dependency and depression. This all out in the open business is for the birds. Galactica is going to shit.

Speaking of which, we get yet another scene of Adama staring at the busted seams of Galactica and the Cylon goo doing its thing.

Ellen shows up at Tigh’s quarters to see Caprica. She wants to talk and she wants booze. Ah, this is the Ellen I remember. When I watched last week’s episode with commentary (podcast) from R. Moore, he said, “She’s still the same Ellen. She still likes to smoke, drink, and fuck.” He wasn’t lying! Anyway…

Ellen makes sure that Caprica knows she and Tigh had sex. She also tells her that when they were trying to have a baby, Tigh liked the name Liam. Damn, she plays dirty! Ellen tells Caprica that if Simon knew about the baby, he’d want it. And Caprica is all, “Let his ass try.”

Ellen insists she won’t make Tigh choose. He loves Caprica and there’s not much he loves more. For some reason, I can’t help but think Ellen is about to snap Caprica’s neck. But she doesn’t. She just leaves.

Gaius is in Dogsville (?) handing out food when some… more ruffians show up to take the food. They have big guns so they get their way.

Ok, where the frak is Adama?! How is this allowed aboard the ship?

Ah, there’s Adama. He’s getting to’ up from the flo’ up with Tigh in his quarters. They are drunk off their asses. Adama asks Tigh if he was born. Tigh says he was. Born on Earth, but he doesn’t remember it. And even if he did, he wouldn’t ’cause no one remembers being born. Duh.

Adama talks about the Galactica not being the same once the goo takes hold, but he know they need the Cylons’ help. Hey, I just thought of something. Last week, when Adama found out about the structural damage, Tyrol told him that the engineers cut corners; a nod to the fact that they were under a budget when making the mini-series and joked about cutting corners. This lead to them cutting the corners off all paper products in the show as an inside joke. OK, back to tonight… Adama says that Lee and Roslin don’t think he sees it, but he does. They are becoming integrated with the Cylons.

Gaius is railing against Paula for not telling him that the Sons of Aires were involved in the stealing of food. So, the ruffians have a name too! Now there are organized gangs running around Galactica? What the frak?

Head Six asks Gaius if he really wanted to feed those people, and he admits that he enjoyed it. The more he did it, the better he felt. She tells him he should tell his flock that because Paula sure isn’t being that inspirational.  He delivers an inspirational speech, with the help of Head Six, about how they can help the people and help themselves.

And yet another scene of Adama staring at the beams and pipes… blah blah blah.

Tigh meets with Ellen and asks her not to do this. Galactica needs the base ship. She should put aside her anger at him to do what’s right. All she wants to talk about is the fact that Caprica’s brush is where hers used to be and he threw out all of her dresses. It’s called Baby Mama Drama, and even Cylons aren’t immune.

Tyrol, Caprica, Tory, the Six, and the Eight show up because Ellen asked them to. Ellen votes to go. Which means that Caprica has to go too. Tigh says that an all Cylon nation doesn’t work and neither does all human. They need to stick together. Ellen accuses Tigh of not wanting to leave who he really loves. Adama.

“What is this?” Caprica wants to know.

“It’s petty and vile,” says Tigh. Love how he delivered that line. And he’s right.

Tigh’s not going. Tyrol says they agreed on majority rule.

“Well, frak apparently we invented majority rule, but I don’t remember it so frak that!”

Michael Hogan is awesome. I love me some Colonel Tigh! He drops more F-bombs than anybody.

Tigh says that Ellen doesn’t even want to go, but she’s doing this to hurt him. Ellen says how he loves the ship, the uniform, and Adama more than anything else. A quick shot of Tyrol’s face and I’m positive he has regressed to his happy place. He doesn’t like it when Mommy and Daddy fight either.

Caprica crumples to her knees in pain. Tyrol, Tigh, and the others rush to her side. Ellen looks all stupid.

Caprica’s baby is in distress and she accuses Ellen of wanting it to happen. Doc Cottle gives Caprica an oxygen mask to help the baby. Ellen insists that she knew humans and Cylons should be together, but that she was blinded by trying to hurt Tigh. She never meant to hurt Caprica or her baby. Tigh counters that she should have thought how it would hurt Caprica if he were forced to choose and let her go. He says it’s no wonder they had to invent a God for the skinjobs to worship; they sure couldn’t have them deify the Five. Ellen says the didn’t invent anything… and we are once again stopped from getting more info on the One True God because Caprica orders them both to shut the frak up.

Ellen says she shouldn’t be there and leaves. Tigh is so torn up over what’s going on. Ellen comes back and puts her hand on his shoulder. He grips it and cries out his one good eye.

And yet ANOTHER shot of Adama looking at the pipes and seams. Ok, seriously. We get it. He’s worried about his decision to let the Cylon goo run amok in Galactica’s veins. We get it!

All Edward James Olmos has done this episode is drink and stare at the walls.

Caprica is resting with Ellen and Tigh at her side. Ellen says Tigh has to tell her he loves her. He does.  But then…

“This is nonsense. She knows it. I don’t need to say it. I shouldn’t need to say it. To anyone. Isn’t it enough that I feel it? I feel it. For her, for you, for Liam. I shouldn’t need to spout the words. I feel it less with words. Just let me Gods damn feel it and I’ll fill the frakkin’ room.”

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what makes this show so great. To all the people complaining that this episode was too soap opera, they haven’t been paying attention for four seasons. This show has always been about humanity. Not every episode needs a dog fight. You care about what happens to the people (and Cylons) more during the dog fights when you’re invested. Scenes like this make you invested.

There have been some great moments of dialogue on this show; Adama’s “you can’t run from the things you’ve created” speech, Lee’s testimony as Gaius’ trial, Roslin’s “who are you going to be” speech to the Cylons during the mutiny, and now that from Tigh. Good stuff.

Doc Cottle says the baby is in distress and it doesn’t look good. Caprica wants the baby cut out even if it kills her. Doc Cottle refuses. The baby won’t survive. Ellen says that she will leave and they can be together. She says Tigh loves her and the baby is proof. Little Liam dies anyway. That’s some sad shit.

Gaius is in Adama’s quarters. He has something to say to Adama, Roslin, and Lee.

“The two of you can stay and listen to this,” Adama says. “I’m gonna go to head. Do something constructive. A little project I’ve been working on.”

Brilliant! That is so much better than, “going to drop the kids off at the pool.”

Lee convinces Adama to stay and listen.

Gaius tells Adama that everyone sees the Cylon workforce aboard the ship and the Cylon pilots. They know about the construction. When are the Centurions coming over for dinner? The moment it happens, the ship will be fully integrated and then all hell will break loose. He only has one option…

Next thing you know, Gaius and crew are given heavy weapons. Did I miss something? The solution to the hell breaking loose is to arm MORE civilians?! Paula looks a little too happy with her gun and I suspect someone’s gonna need to bust a cap in her ass before series’ end.

Tyrol watches Boomer sleep in the brig. And you know, it’s not… no, it is creepy. In the sick bay, Anders’ brain activity returns.

Tigh goes to see Adama and they hug it out, bitches. Adama expresses his condolences. He says Liam is a good name. Short for William. Sure, Adama, everything is about you.

Roslin and Adama walk through the halls of Galactica and watch as the Cylon Sixes and Eights walk around like they pay rent. A Six is looking lovingly at a wall and strokes it. Roslin pauses to see what she was looking at. For one second I thought she was lovingly stroking the wall because it had the Cylon goo in it. Adama would lose his shit. But, it turns out that the Cylons have been putting up photos of the Cylons that have died with them since the alliance.

“It’s already happened, hasn’t it?” Adama asks.

Questions Answered and New Ones Posed This Episode

Not many answered. We know that Ellen’s personality wasn’t totally made up by John, she has a touch of that bitchy manipulation in her.  Boomer jacked someone’s ride, and that’s how she got the Raptor. Maybe next week, in what looks to be a very Boomer-centric episode, she’ll explain how she knew where to find the fleet.

The One True God was danced around again this week, and I’m curious to see when Anders wakes up, will he still have his original Five memories like Ellen does. I suspect he will.

So, what are your thoughts, predictions, theories, and questions?

* After the series’ finale in a few weeks, look for Battlestar Galactica: The Plan to air on SciFi Network. It’s a two hour movie told from the Cylons’ perspective. You’ll see a lot of new stuff (and some old stuff), but it’s not a clip show. It’s directed by Edward James Olmos and written by Jane Espenson.

*Also, for more BSG blogging, check out The TV Tyrant on Tuesdays.

Survivor: Tocantins Epis. 1 & 2

Week 1: “Let’s Get Rid of the Weak Players Before We Even Start”

Usually Donny and I will pick who we think will win from first impressions, but since I’m watching (and recapping) two weeks worth alone, Donny’s prediction will be in next week’s recap of episode 3.

So, let’s get started with episode 1. Last night’s recap (episode 2) starts after the next blue header.

It’s in Brazil this season. The Tocantin desserts. One of the most isolated places on Earth. They’ll have to share the few rivers with all the wildlife. Nice.

There are two tribes. Red = Jalapao and Black = Timbira

The two tribes are told they have 60 seconds to grab as many supplies as they can from the truck they arrived in. Already Timbira is kicking ass. They took all the water and bags of food.

Before they start off on their four hour journey to camp, Jeff tells them they each have to vote for one person not making the journey.

Jalapao (red tribe) votes for the older lady, Sandy. Why they hatin’? She ain’t even that old! Timbira (black tribe) vote for the young blonde who also happens to have strep throat (Sierra) Jeff then reveals that the two outcasts will be arriving at camp by helicopter while everyone else hoofs it.

Sandy is happy and praising God. Jeff tells her, “Slow yo roll.” This game is about social integration and she needs to figure out a way to reverse that negative first impression and not be smiling right now. She still smiles and nods like she hasn’t heard one word he says. This annoys me.

Jalapao (red) takes off. We find they have Spencer who is 19 and the youngest Survivor contestant ever. Taj, who is black, starts talking to Carolina who immediately starts talking “black.”

Not even her Panamanian roots quell my desire to slap her.

They also have J.T., a cattle rancher. He’s a good ole boy from Alabama. And he’s HOT! Stephen, a corporate accountant with glasses, worries that J.T. won’t take to him, “an anxious NY Jew,” too well.

Timbira is on their way as well.

Jerry just got back from Afghanistan and he already admits that a brotha ain’t tryna be in charge. “Coach” has a mullet and is annoying. He’s all large and in charge and trying to form an alliance with Brendan.

Sandy gets to the Jalapao camp and cries. She finds a note that says she can spend the extra time setting up the camp which may curry favor, or she can search for the hidden immunity idol. She chooses to look for the idol.

Sierra arrives at Timbira’s camp, and decides to set up the camp.

When Jalapao arrives they greet Sandy with open arms like they didn’t just vote her as most useless. Secretly though, some are seething that she didn’t set up camp while she was there. Sandy reasons that they already don’t like her and she wasn’t going to waste her energy doing something that wouldn’t be appreciated. I don’t know. She didn’t find the idol so this may have been a dumb move.

When Timbira arrives, it’s nighttime, and though they all appreciate the fact that she busted her sick ass building their shelter, Coach still thinks Sierra needs to go.

Jalapao Day 2:

While the tribe is working on shelter, Sandy makes an excuse to go off and find the Idol. She finds the next clue which tells her to walk ten paces towards the lone palm tree. And apparently she doesn’t know what a pace is… or a palm tree ’cause she can’t find it. Jesus

Timbira Day 2:

Tyson is not your stereotypical Mormon. He’s walking around naked. The girls are all atwitter. He wants to spend the million dollars on a man-tiara. Um, okay.

Yes, he really did say that.

Day 3:

The first immunity challenge gets underway (the tribes have to wade through water to recover planks to build a staircase, make their way up the stairs and complete a table maze) and J.T. proves to be a strong competitor. Carolina is struggling to stay up as the teams walk through water with their planks. She’s also struggling to keep her top up.

As Timbira starts working on their staircase, Sierra’s bare ass has to be blurred out. Jalapao completes their staircase first and starts working on a table maze. Timbira catches up and starts theirs as well.

Timbira wins! Immunity and fire.

At Jalapao everyone is bickering. Taj called Carolina out and Carolina agreed with her. “Yes, I am a whiny bitch.”

Spencer doesn’t think they should get rid of Sandy. The others are wavering between Sandy and Carolina.

Carolina apologizes to Sandy for calling her an old lady when she voted for her. Sandy is all forgiving ’cause she knows she still has the possibility of finding the Idol.

At Tribal Council:

JT calls Sandy out for not doing any work at the camp while they had to get there by foot, and then Cindy calls her out for disappearing the second day. Carolina completely admits that she’s bossy and opinionated and that sometimes it comes off as whiny. That seems to have won her some favor with the other tribemates.

It’s time to vote and Carolina and Sandy each vote for the other one. We don’t get to see anyone else’s vote. Jeff doesn’t even ask if anyone has the Idol. Guess Sandy never figured out what paces are.

Carolina gets five votes to Sandy’s one. And she’s gone. I’m in total shock!

Ok, I gotta put my money on J.T. at this point to win it all.

Week 2: “The Poison Apple Needs To Go”

Previously on Survivor: Jalapao (red) and Timbira (black) are stranded in Brazil. Thinking they were voting out one of their own on first impressions, they voted Sierra and Sandy off the trek to camp. Sandy decided to search for the hidden immunity idol, while Sierra set up her tribe’s camp instead. Jalapao went to tribal council first where Carolina’s bossiness made her the first castaway voted off.

Night 3:

Jalapao make fire with their new flint given to them at tribal council. Sandy is thanking everyone for keeping her around, but Spencer reveals to us that really she just swapped places with Carolina. She’ll be going second instead of first.

And we have credits…

Day 4:

Jalapao is in desperate need of protein and decide to eat termites. This is where they’d vote my black ass right off. They find a huge, fat worm and some of the guys eat it.

At Timbira

They struggle to make fire with their flint. Sierra confides in Brendan about the hidden immunity idol. She tells him because he didn’t vote for her that first day. They head off to find it. They’re gone forever and get caught digging for the next clue. Sierra covers and says they were building a fire pit. Candace calls the idea out as stupid and says she’d rather sit around camp and talk shit. Why trek to the beach to do it?

Day 5:

Timbira: Candace and Coach clash over whether or not Candace should cook the rice and beans in the same pot. Next thing you know, they’re all flirty flirty and kissy kissy. Coach wants to hit that. Just sayin’.

Jalapao: Dumbass Taj lets loose that her husband is this big-time football analyst and Heisman Trophy winner, Eddie George. She would have been better off telling everyone she used to be in SWV. They know they ain’t had a hit in 15 years. They would think she was broke like everyone else!

Stephen, the self-proclaimed NY Jew, is the only guy on the tribe who doesn’t know who Eddie George is. The others are creaming in their shorts. JT, with his fine ass, reasons that he probably needs the million dollars more than she does. True dat.

Immunity challenge: while in the water each team tries to score baskets while the other tribe tries to stop them. They’re also playing for fishing gear. Also, the winning tribe will send one member of the losing tribe to Exile Island where they’ll get a clue to the hidden immunity idol. There’s also a twist that Jeff will read later.

There’s lots of titties flapping and ass exposed during the challenge. Taj manhandles many women much smaller than her. Jalapao wins as Stephen makes the winning basket.

Jalapao sends Brendan to Exile Island and twist reveals that he gets to pick a member of the winning team to go with him. He chooses Taj.

Jalapao spends their day fishing and J.T. has Stephen swooning. I don’t know if he’s gay, but he’s in love.

Exile Island Day 5:

Taj and Brendan get their provisions and then they each have to choose an urn. Taj’s is empty and Brendan’s has a clue that he has to read in private. He also had an opportunity to join Jalapao, but he ain’t having it.

Taj convinces him to let her help him look for the idol, and thanks to her, he realizes that the idols are at camp, but the clues are at Exile. They spend their remaining time bonding and agree to team up should they make the merge.

At Timbira:

Candace is salty ’cause they lost. She’s pushing for Coach to get voted off. I can’t decide if I know her, or she just reminds me of every bitch I’ve ever met. Debbie goes to Coach and drops a dollar worth of dimes telling him that Candace has been trash talking him. Two weeks in a row Coach has the episode title quote, “The poison apple (Candace) needs to go.” Candace wasn’t on the radar. Sierra was, but her big mouth just made her a target.

Day 6:

Brendan returns to camp and tells everyone that Taj picked the urn with the clue, looked for the idol alone, and never said if she found it or not. Smart.

Tyson realizes that Candace performed better than Sierra and doesn’t necessarily think it’s wise to vote off Candace. Everyone’s all paranoid and Tyson and Jerry giggle a lot.

At Tribal Council:

Jerry is saying how hard it is to vote this early because they have bonded and Erin scrunches up her face. Jeff calls her on it and she’s all, “I don’t know these fools.” Debbie, ever the suck up, disagrees and pretty much dimes herself out for having an alliance with someone by saying, “Oh, I have trust with people.” Dumbass.

Vote time.

Sierra votes for Candace. And that’s all we see. Jeff tallies the votes.

Candace gets five votes. Sierra gets one. Candace is gone. She opened her mouth around the wrong people. You can’t trust blondes!

So, what do you think of the castaways this season? Who are you rooting for?

Lost – Season 5 Epi. 6: 316

Previously on Lost: Ben tells Jack they must bring everyone back to the island to save the others. Well, not the others others, but the others. Kate is salty that Jack brought her to Ben. Sayid ain’t tryna hear it either. Jin blows up, but not really. Ben convinces Sun that Jin is alive.

And now…

Jack wakes up on the ground surrounded by trees. Heeeeee’s back. (Lost sure does love starting an episode with a close-up eye shot. They’ve done it many times.) Anyway, Jack has a ripped piece of paper in his hands which he tosses when he hears someone calling for help. He takes off through the jungle. He finds Hurley’s big ass drowning in murky water. He jumps in to save him. He finds Kate unconscious and wakes her up. She wants to know what happened.

Yeah, so do I!

46 Hours Earlier: Ben, Desmond, Sun, and Jack arrive at the church and meet Eloise. She takes them to a basement room with a map on the floor and this huge pendulum swinging over it. There are supercomputers and file cabinets along the walls.  There’s a board with longitudes and latitudes cycling through.

The Dharma Initiative called this place the Lamppost. It’s how they found the island.

And we have credits… or that half-ass thing Lost calls credits.

Jack wants to know if Ben knew about the Lamppost. He says no. Jack asks Eloise if Ben is telling the truth. “Probably not.” LOL

Eloise explains that the room was constructed years ago over a pocket of electromagnetic energy. It’s connected to similar pockets all over the world. But the people who built the room where only interested in one; the island. They desperately tried to find it. Then a very clever fellow built the pendulum under the theoretical notion that they stop looking for where it was supposed to be, but look where it was going to be. He presumed, correctly, that the island was always moving. This man and his team developed equations that could predict where the island was going to be in time; windows that open and close after short periods of time.

Desmond is like, “Say what? You fools tryna go back?”

Sun, “Yes. Why are you here?”

Desmond says he’s just there to deliver a message to Eloise from her son, Daniel Faraday (who I suspect built the pendulum.) Desmond is pacing and ranting. Eloise tells him the island isn’t done with him. He lost four years of his life because of her and that island and he ain’t going, he yells.

He pretty much tells Elosie, and the island, to kiss his ass before storming out.

Was anyone else waiting for the giant pendulum to knock Desmond out his shoes?

Eloise tells Jack that they have to be on a plane from Los Angeles to Guam that will be leaving soon and passing through the window. They need to recreate the same circumstances and have as many of the same people on the flight.

“That’s it,” Jack wants to know. “We just get on that flight?”

“No, that’s not it. At least not for you.”

dun. Dun. DUN!

Eloise takes Jack into an office and hands him an envelope with his name on it. It’s Locke’s suicide note. John is going to be a proxy, a substitute for Jack’s father (who was dead, in a coffin, on the original flight.) Jack needs to get something that belonged to Jack’s father and give it to John. It’s like something old, something new, something from your dead alkie Daddy. Jack goes on angst-filled rant… ’cause you know, he got Daddy issues. Eloise tells him to man-up and just do it.

Jack returns to the church to find Sun gone. Ben tells Jack he has a friend looking after Locke’s body and that he’ll pick it up on the way to the airport. Ben then tells Jack the story of Thomas the apostle who had suggested he and the others go with Jesus to Judeah (did I spell that right? I’m a heathen) so that they might die with Jesus, but he wasn’t remembered for that. He was remembered for refusing to believe in the resurrection and needing to touch Jesus’ wounds to be convinced. He tells Jack, “We are all convinced sooner or later.” Ben goes to leave and Jack wants to know where he’s going.

“I made a promise to an old friend of mine. Just a loose end that needs tying up.”

He’s going to kill Penny. I bet you. He promised Widmore he would.

Jack is sitting in a bar contemplating a drink when he gets a call. His grandfather tried to escape from an old folks’ home.

Zzzzzz.

This whole scene is boring. Who is this grandfather? Why did they spring him on us now? Why should we care? Oh, ’cause he has Jack’s father’s shoes and now Jack has something of his Dad’s he can give to John. Convenient and grody.

Jack goes home to find Kate there. She won’t tell him where Aaron is, and says that he can never ask. He doesn’t question this foolishness ’cause she’s also willing to give up the butt. Ugh. What does he see in her narrow ass?

The next morning Jack makes Kate breakfast and I’m bored. He tells her about giving his Dad those cheap-ass white sneakers to wear to his own funeral. The phone rings and they’re all blushy and acting like they’ve never done it before. Hello!? Can we get to the good stuff?

Ben calls from the marina. He’s all bloody and stuff. I told you. He killed/or tried to kill Penny.

Donny: If he killed Penny, Desmond definitely isn’t going back because of the baby.

Nina: Unless he killed the baby too.

Donny: That’s just fucked up.

Nina: That’s Ben.

Ben needs Jack to pick up Locke’s body from the butcher shop. While the butcher lady, Jill, gets the van ready, Jack puts his Daddy’s shoes on Locke. Which makes no sense since even Jack’s Daddy didn’t have the damn shoes. But I guess he needs some kind of item(s) that belonged to Christian. Jack gives Locke his note back. Jack is always so ugly to Locke. Even in death, he’s being a bastard to him.

Jack checks into the flight and explains that Locke’s body is with him. It’s his friend. A suspicious looking dude gives his condolences. Jack sees Kate at the airport and then runs into Sun. She says that if there’s even a small chance that Jin is alive, she has to go. They see Sayid, in handcuffs, being escorted onto the plane by a federal agent of some sort. I don’t get the handcuffs/agent part. Hurley is there too. He has bought up 78 tickets to stop more people from getting on to the same flight. He’s really tossing his weight around. Get it? Tossing his… ’cause he’s fat… never mind.

Jack wants to know how Hurley knew about the flight, but he tells him it only matters that he’s there. Sayid looks surprised to see Jack. And why is everyone acting like they don’t know each other? Hurley boards with a guitar case and I somehow think Charlie had something to do with him being there. Hurley loses his shit when he sees Ben.

“He can’t be here!!!”

“Who told you to be here, Hugo?”

Charlie. That’s who. I bet you.

The flight attendant says they found something that belongs to Jack and hands him the envelope with the suicide note. Creepy! Jack asks Ben what’s going to happen to the other people on the flight.

“Who cares?” Best line of the night.

The pilot is the helicopter pilot, Lapedus, from the island! He’s surprised to see Jack, but downright dismayed when he sees Sayid, Kate, Hurley, and Sun.

“We’re not going to Guam, are we?”

OK, THAT was the best line of the night.

Later in the flight, Ben is reading a book and Jack asks, “How can you read?”

“My mother taught me.”

Jesus! They’re on fire tonight!

Slow plot is forgiven for kickass dialogue.

Jack wants to know if Ben knew that Locke killed himself. He said he didn’t. Jack tells him about John’s note and how it feels like Locke needs him to read it. Ben wonders if Jack feels guilty about John’s death and that’s why he doesn’t want to read it. He then gives Jack some privacy so he can read it, and possibly cry like a bitch, in private.

The note reads, “J. I wish you had believed me… then maybe I wouldn’t be dead right now in your Daddy’s old shoes. J.L.”

OK, so I added that last part about being dead in the shoes. But you could totally read that between the lines. The plane starts to experience turbulence. And everyone gets this, “Here we go again” look on their faces. The plane is in distress, everyone fastens their seatbelts, and then there’s the flashy time travel lights.

On the island we see Jack rescue Hurley and Kate again. They look around and there’s no sign of Sun, Ben, or Sayid.  Suddenly, they hear a car coming and I just know it’s the Dharma van. It is! The driver gets out where Dharma Initiative overalls and holds them at gun point. It’s Jin!

Share your thoughts, theories and predictions below!

Hairy Nipples and Other Short Stories Called Blogs

I recently discovered a blogger who gets a shit ton of traffic writing about the same exact stuff as me. It’s like reading about my life, but with white people. Well, more white people.

This morning I read her latest blog; a conversation between her and her husband in which he scolds her for scraping a pole… with their car. He talks about how she always nags him about driving too slow, like I do to Donny.

“Donny! Oh my God! It’s like us, but we’re funnier. And only I would never, ever, ever, crash the car.”

“Only, you did crash the car.”

Pause.

“Oh. Right. Never mind.”

No, I’m not linking her site. That bitch has enough readers.

Hairy Nipples

I’m not ashamed to admit it. I’m a hairy freak. It is not unusual for me to find one growing out of my chin or neck, pull it out as far as it will go, and exclaim, “Donny, look at this, sucker!” Then I’ll let it go so it can snap back into a neat little coil… like a Slinky! Donny will stare in a mixture of revulsion and amazement.

Every now and again, I will find random hairs growing around my areolas. He keeps saying, “Pluck them.” I don’t think plucking that area is appropriate. I reserve the hurt-so-good feeling of plucking for my eyebrows, and then only after I’ve waxed them within an inch of their lives. I apply the tweezers to the unruly stubborn hairs with masochistic glee. But the boobs? They get shaved.

Today I was sitting on the bed after dying my hair and noticed a stray strand from my head had landed beside my right boob on my nightgown. It was really long. Donny was sitting to my left, and because I had nothing better to do and I’m a touch retarded, I decided to play a joke on him. I tugged at the hair to make it look as if it were coming from the bottom of boob and said, “Oh my God, Donny! Look!”

He took one look and started dry-heaving. I couldn’t stand it.

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding. See?!” And I pulled the hair loose.

“I’m not that bad,” I said lifting my right boob slightly to discover that I wasn’t… yet. There was a pretty long one kind curled up like a cat on a rug in front of a fireplace. It looked just as content and I might have heard it purr.

“Well, damn.”

“Poor Jack,” Donny lamented, “It probably tickles his tongue when he’s eating.”

“Like that time Peter nursed Stewie!”

And we both dissolved into giggles. And then I shaved.

Dominicans Do Some Hair

There are a lot of Dominican hair salons popping up around here. This hasn’t surprised me because I’m from Brooklyn, NY and I know Dominicans can do some damn hair. They may wear too many pastels and have an aversion to socks, but they can do some damn hair.

Note: Being black and Panamanian, I can totally make fun of other blacks, Panamanians, and Puerto Ricans, and Dominicans.

Donny, forgetting himself, will occasionally try to do so until I remind him that he can’t. The other day Kali stuck her fingers under his nose.

“Daddy, look at my nails!”

She had painted each nail a different color.

“What are you? Puerto Rican?”

“Hey! You can’t say that!”

“You joke about Puerto Ricans mixing colors all the time!”

“Yes, but I can. I’m Panamanian and my step-mother is Puerto Rican. I lost my virginity to a Puerto Rican for God’s sake. In Brooklyn, Puerto Ricans are lighter blacks with funny accents. I do it with love. You are white. You can’t make fun anyone.”

Earlier today, we were all piling into the car after shopping at Old Navy when Donny pointed to a salon across the street. It was the grand opening of a Dominican hair salon.

“Dominicans can do some hair,” he said.

My head whipped in his direction, my mouth agape.

“How you know?”

“Because. You always see Dominican Hair Salon. It’s never, like, Rita’s Hair Salon or Sally’s Hair Salon. Just Dominican. Like, being Dominican is all y’all need to know.”

He had a point. If you saw, “Roscoe’s Fried Chicken,” it would stand to reason that Roscoe could fry some damn chicken. Or that Kim Phan could lay some acrylic nails. Or that Shaneequa knew about braids. You might want to stay away from Kimber’s House O’Weaves, though. Girls named Kimber don’t know shit about weaves. Just sayin’.

Nip/Tuck – Season 5.5 Epi. 6: Budi Sabri

Previously on Nip/Tuck: Sean hires Teddy Rowe (Starbuck from BSG) as Liz’s replacement. They have sex. Christian injects Jenna’s lips so that she can land baby modeling jobs. Liz returns to Miami.

And now…

Teddy takes Sean to one of those pitch-black restaurants hoping to lower his inhibitions – kinky play while you’re surrounded by a bunch of people who can’t see you. But his cell phone rings and he takes Julia’s call. And continues to take it as Teddy asks him to hang up. He doesn’t and she leaves him alone in the dark. Even after she leaves, she continues to whisper. It’s annoying.

And we have credits…

“Make me beautiful. Make meeeeeeeee….”

Sean and Christian are going to treat Mr. Budi Sabri. When he was 18, he scraped his foot while swimming, and began to develop warts. Because of his rare immune deficiency, the warts continued to grow. They are all over his hands and feet, legs and face. He looks like something out of Pirates of the Caribbean. No, you know what his hands and feet look like? The onion blossom at Outback Steakhouse. He wants them to cut off the warts and fix his skin so he can feel human again. The surgery begins…

Christian wants to call a press conference to gain notoriety over the surgery since Mr. Sabri can’t pay. Sean calls him insensitive. Christian leaves to see what Kimber wants when she shows up. Sean wants a second chance with Teddy, but she says that if she wanted to be with a pussy, she’d be a lesbian.

Not on this show.

Jenna’s collagen has been absorbed and Kimber wants her to have another shot so she can land a job for Target. Christian refuses and Kimber threatens to go to another doctor.  Sean walks in on them arguing and Kimber tells him that Christian refuses to shoot up Jenna’s lips… again. Sean tells Kimber if she has Jenna injected again he’ll have her arrested. Christian tries to make excuses for what he did. Sean lays him out.

Sean shows up at Teddy’s very nice house where she has champagne waiting. They have sex in a bedroom only to be interrupted by a real estate agent and a couple looking to buy. Turns out, it’s not her house. She thought having sex in an open house would be hot. Sean offers to buy the house to keep the agent from calling the cops.

Christian goes back to his doctor and finds out his cancer has spread.  He has six months to live. When he gets home he wants to tell Sean about it, but he’s too busy running off to be a rebel without a brain with Teddy.

Christian steals a bunch of drugs from McNamara/Troy in the middle of the night. He finds Mr. Sabri practicing walking. Christian asks him if he ever considered taking his own life considering all he’s been through. Mr. Sabri says that no, because even in that body, he believes he’s a true expression of God. He tells Christian he should pray because his prayers brought him to Christian and closer to his true dream of having a woman in his life- someone that would accept him as he is, laugh at his jokes, etc.

Sean, meanwhile, is out in the desert with Teddy tripping on drugs. Next, they’ll be robbing a bank.

Liz is at her new job back in Miami. She’s in the middle of a surgery when Christian shows up begging her to come back. He’s wearing an old Cuban man’s hat.

Liz’s new boss is all, “You can’t be in here!”

“It’s okay, I’m a doctor.”

She doesn’t say shit else ’cause I suppose him being a doctor suddenly made the room sterile again.

Christian goes on and on about how he knows he’s a prick, but he’s sorry for the way he treated Liz. He needs her to keep him straight (no pun intended.) He needs wants her to come back to California with him. When she wants to know what would be different if she returned, Christian asks Liz to marry him. And he pulls out a fat rock. Yowzers!

Sean and Christian are prepping for another surgery on Mr. Sabri, and Sean’s not happy at the new engagement. He thinks Christian is going to hurt Liz.  Linda is going to be their maid-of-honor. Teddy’s not at work because she’s still hungover for their drug trip the night before, but Sean says she ate something that didn’t agree with her. He’s still tripping during the surgery and can’t perform.

Liz is doing drug inventory and notices the missing drugs. She goes to Christian and blames it on Teddy. Christian admits that he took the drugs to take his own life. Liz realizes that Christian’s cancer is back and that’s the only reason he asked her to marry him. She throws the ring at him and storms out.

(As much as I’m confused by the direction this show is taking, I really did enjoy the conversation. It was heartbreaking and Julian McMahon had one of those rare human moments.)

Teddy surprises Sean at work, at night, with lots of candles and a skimpy outfit. She wants to do it on a surgery table and on nitrous.  He’s worried about the possibility of an explosion. She’s sick of his balls being firmly in his back pocket. Sean says she has gone too far. He was still tripping during a surgery and had to donate to the realtor’s favorite charity when he backed out of buying the house. Teddy dumps him.

Christian finally tells Sean that he’s dying. Sean wants Christian to sign up for clinical trials and fight, but all Christian wants to do is live out the time he has left without treatment.

Christian is checking on Mr. Sabri, who begins to cry. He has found new warts higher up his leg. They have grown aggressively since he noticed them that morning.

“I had such hope,” he cries.

“Me too,” Christian says.

Christian is eating yogurt in the break room when Liz comes in and says she’s gonna marry him. If anything, she gets a big, fat, honking, $150K ring out of it. He jokes he’ll be dead before they can get divorced. As she walks out the room he says, “Nice ass.”

“And it’s all yours.”

UGH! I don’t even know what’s going on anymore. Do you?

But I can’t front. As confused as I am, there’s a part of me that finds it sweet because he’s dying.

What about you?

BIOBaby: Nipple Attack!

Jack has declared jihad on my nipples.

I was just beginning to feel good about myself for breastfeeding Jack two months longer than I did Kali, and now this. I’ve been saying that Jack is teething for two months. I have no idea if he is or not. Kali had two teeth at four months, and honestly, it’s just a coincidence that I stopped nursing her around the same time. To the best of my recollection, she never bit my nipples and I kinda think that’s something you’d remember.

Anyway, around 4 months old Jack began drooling a lot and, with his newfound hand-eye coordination, putting everything he encountered in his mouth. He must be teething, we’d tell anyone that would listen. Two months later, no teeth.

But he does seem to enjoy putting things in his mouth… and chewing on them. A lot. Now, I’ll admit, I’ll let him chew on a plastic toy from China covered in Georgia peanut butter if I thought it would keep him quiet. But, I draw the line at my nipples.

Every now and again, when Jack lets go after nursing, he will kind of clamp down on my nipple with his gum and pull away really long and really hard. It’s like his gums are itchy and doing that helps him. He gets this really satisfied look on his face. Because it always takes me by surprise, and it hurts, I will jump and scream out in pain which in turn scares the crap out of Jack (he doesn’t know what he’s doing) and he’ll poke out his bottom lip and start to cry. This makes me feel like a horrible Mom so I’ll cuddle him, and then stick my nipple back in his mouth for more abuse!

“It’s okay, baby. Chew it off if that makes you feel better.”

Ah, a mother’s sacrifice.

Jack also has no problem grabbing a hold of a boob and using it to propel his forward motion or stop himself from falling as he navigates the bed on shaky, newly-used legs. He grabs, twists, and holds on for dear life. Think:

But my favorite, and least painful, Jack booby manipulation is when we’re laying down and nursing and he decides he wants a better angle. He has one hand on each side of my boob and will move it around until he gets the nipple right.where.he.wants.it. If you want an accurate ratio, picture a newborn baby trying to chug a two liter soda with two hands.

24 Day 7: 3-4pm and 4-5pm

Last week’s recap is included here because I was sick. To see last night’s recap, scroll down to the second blue header.

24 Day 7: 3pm-4pm

Previously on 24: Dubaku is surprised and outraged to find that Almeida, Bill, and Jack have found his evil lair. Jack find the C.I.P. device. P.M. Matobo insists that they meet with the President. She’s the only person he trusts. First Hubby kills Evil Secret Service dude before he can kill him, and ESS’s back up arrives and receives instructions from Dubaku to bring the First Hubby to him.

The following takes place between 3pm and 4pm.

Evil Secret Service Dude 2 (ESS2) arrives at Dubaku’s other evil lair with the First Hubby.

The President addresses the nation and pretty much says, “Look, bitches… I got this.”

Dubaku is walking through the streets like he’s a regular Joe. He arrives at his new evil lair where his henchmen are waiting with the First Hubby. Dubaku wants to know if he thinks the Pres. loves him enough to call off the strike against his country? I guess we ’bout to find out.

As the address ends, the Pres. is informed that Matobo has arrived with his rescuers. She’s surprised to hear that Bauer is one of the heroes. When they meet, she assures Matobo she is still down for the cause and that the U.S. will help his people. He leaves and the Pres. demands answers from Jack, Agent Walker, and Bill. She doesn’t believe Jack when he says that there are leaks in her administration until he’s like, “Um, why do you think it was so hard for you to catch Dubaku’s ass?” She’s all, “True dat.”

Jack tells the Pres. that they need to work under the radar in order to get Dubaku as he is the only one with knowledge of who the leaks are.

Then showing balls bigger than those chasing Indiana Jones down a cavern, Dubaku calls the Pres. He tells her right away that he has her husband. Dubaku wants the U.S. forces removed from Sangala and he wants Matobo delivered to his men to boot. He wants all this done by 4pm. To prove he means business he orders his men to cut off First Hubby’s finger while she listens.

The Pres. is informed of the scene at her dead son’s fiance’s apartment. Realizing that she can’t ask the American people to make sacrifices she won’t make herself, she refuses to give in.

Jack offers to do what he does best. Fuck shit up. The Pres. wants to know how she can know where Jack’s loyalties really lie.

“With all due respect, Madame President, ask around.”

Yeah, he was all, “Bitch, you better ask somebody!”

Realizing she has no other option and nothing to lose, she agrees to let Jack and Agent Walker (who everyone thinks is dead) try and rescue her husband. They are given their own office in The White House to operate out of. Agent Walker convinces Jack that they’ll need Agent Moss’ help. So she calls him.

“I’m alive, but you can’t let anyone know that.”

What’s the first thing this fool does? Goes into a hallway, presumably for privacy, and as someone turns the corner says all loud, “Renee!” Jackass.

She fills him in on what’s going on with the First Hubby. She suggests they start by tracing the movements of the ESS dude that tried to kill First Hubby. He wants proof she’s not being forced to do this, so he makes her agree to a meet.

Squirrely guy is whispering with his mistress and giving her attitude. Janis warns that he’s way too obvious with it and needs to watch himself. Jack and Agent Walker meet Agent Moss so he can see she’s really alive. Moss informs them that ESS dude was talking a lot to ESS dude 2 and that he used to work in Sangala. Jack wants to know if ESS2 has a family. He does; a wife and an 11-month old son. Jack is like, “We need to make him think we’re gonna hurt his family.”

Moss and Walker balk, but eventually Walker comes around. Moss tells Jack he will not allow Walker to end up like Jack. Like Jack? You mean a badass? Well, sucks for her.

“Rules are what make us better.”

“Not today,” Jack growls.

Cheesy, but it is Jack Bauer and I wouldn’t say that to his face.

Dubaku gets a call from his sweet waitress girlfriend, Marika. She wants to know if they’re still on for dinner and he cancels.  He’s got fingers to cut off, lady!

Marika’s sister, Rosa,  tries to tell her she has no idea who Dubaku is and that she shouldn’t trust him, but she ain’t tryna hear it. Did I miss something? Do these people not have access to Google?

Moss helps Jack get a line on ESS2. They need to get to him before he starts his shift on a military base. Agent Walker arrives at ESS2′s house.  She flashes her gun and tells the wife to shut up and she might live. And I swear that baby looks like he might be a little slow.

If they torture a mildly retarded baby, I’m turning the channel.

ESS2′s baby is screaming his head off. And that’s a lot of screaming. Walker makes the wife cuff herself to the coffee table. And damnit, she looks like she’s enjoying this!

Jack purposely crashes into ESS2′s car then sucker punches him in the face. Jack drags him to an apartment building’s lobby and asks where the First Hubby is. He ain’t talking so Jack calls his wife and lets him hear Agent Walker terrorize his baby.  She doesn’t really, or does she? They won’t show it! He agrees to talk, so Jack hangs up and Agent Walker gives the wife the baby.

“I was just playing.”

After ESS2 gives up the location, he pulls a knife on Jack and they fight. Jack kills him. He then carjacks a nice ride and speeds off.

Bill puts in motion the plan to have a double arrive at the drop and trick Dubaku.  Jack tells Agent Walker that ESS2 is dead and she nearly falls apart looking at his big-head baby. Jack tells her if she can’t handle the heat, perhaps she should do something else. She says she might just do that… but not today.

What’s up with that? That’s twice in one hour. Day 7 is the new Vegas! What happens on Day 7 stays on Day 7!

Squirrely guy is all suspicious because the threat level is lowered yet, as far as they know, the CIP device hasn’t been recovered. Moss tells Squirrely guy to settle down, and that he’ll handle it. Walker calls Moss with the address they believe the First Hubby is being held.

Dubaku gets a call from Rosa and she says she knows he’s not in the country legally. If he doesn’t break up with Marika tonight, he’ll be sorry.
Why is she lobbing threats from a wheelchair! Dummy!

Dubaku grabs a gun and tells his henchmen he has to “go take care of something.”

Dubaku’s men are not fooled by the trick and shoot a rocket at the car holding Matobo’s double. Well, so much for that plan.

Agent Walker and Jack arrive at the evil lair which is in the back of a store. They take out the henchmen just after Dubaku calls and orders they kill the First Hubby. One of them gets off a shot before he dies and it hits the First Hubby in the chest. Jack screams for an ambulance and that’s all I saw because my TiVo shut off.

24 started two minutes late because of the President’s speech. Damn you, Obama!

Tick… tock… tick… tock…

24 Day 7 4pm – 5pm

Previously on 24: Dubaku has The First Hubby who realizes that Dubaku was behind his son’s death. Dubaku tells the Pres. he will kill her hubby if she doesn’t meet his demands. Dubaku’s girlfriend, Marika, has a disapproving sister, Rosa, who threatens to expose Dubaku as a fraud if he doesn’t break up with her sis. Jack and Agent Walker arrive to rescue the First Hubby, but he gets shot in the process.

The following takes place between 4pm and 5pm…

An ambulance arrives to help the First Hubby. They are told they cannot tell anyone who the victim is. Agent Walker searches the hideout for a lead on where Dubaku went. Jack calls the President and informs her of what happened to her husband.

The President wants to go to the hospital to be with her husband. Bill wants her to allow Chloe reinstated and he wants to head up the investigation to find the leaks. He will also serve as her security because the secret service cannot be trusted.

Dubaku arrives at Marika’s job and says they need to talk. He tells her he needs to leave the country right away and he wants her to go too. She is reluctant and he kind of loses his shit for a moment. Her dumb ass agrees to go after he promises that he will eventually send for her sister. She skips off to pack like a goof troop.

Dubaku calls a contact to make sure his exit arrangements are in order. The contact says that General Juma won’t be happy to hear that he has failed his mission and Dubaku is all, “To hell with him!” They make arrangements to meet in 15 minutes.

Walker calls into Moss and he reams her out for terrorizing ESS2′s wife and child. He feels like she’s in too deep. Jack overhears her talking to Moss and tells her they may have a lead on Dubaku.  She shares the address with Moss and they head off.

Marika arrives home and begins to pack. Chloe leaves her hubby and baby to go work in the FBI offices.  She’s not in the office two minutes before she says something inappropriate. Moss tries implying that all the people that have died around Jack were killed because of him. Chloe tells him to worry less about Jack and more about the mole in his office. Oh, snap! No she di-un!

Dubaku meets with his new contact in a hotel lobby. He warns that if anything happens to him or Marika a file with all the dirty secrets will be sent to the Justice Department. Who are all these corrupt white men??

Marika’s sister, Rosa, doesn’t want Marika to leave the country with Dubaku. She doesn’t trust him. Marika accuses Rosa of wanting to deny her happiness and says she is leaving no matter what Rosa says.

Agent Walker and Jack bust in the apartment and demand to know where Dubaku is. They say don’t know any Dubaku. When Jack shows Marika a picture, she lies and says she doesn’t know him. Rosa, on the other hand, drops about a dollar worth of dimes. Jack realizes that Marika has no idea what a monster she’s involved with.

“Do you have any idea what this man is?”

“He’s everything to me.”

Wrong answer.

The Pres. arrives at the hospital to see her husband. He has to have about five hours of surgery and his chances aren’t good.  She’s able to tell him that he was right about their son not killing himself before he goes into surgery. She asks Bill to contact her estranged daughter.

Jack and Agent Walker tell Marika all about Dubaku’s true resume. They want her to talk to him when he calls so that they can trace him. She’s all freaking out and saying that she can’t do it. Heifer, get on the phone! She eventually does and pretends that she’s upset because she fought with her sister. He tells her a car will be coming for her.

Jack asks that she go when the car arrives and tells her that they’ll be following a mile behind. Rosa doesn’t want her to go, but Marika says it’s the right thing to do. Jack calls into Moss who puts him on with Chloe. She says she’ll set up the trace on Marika’s phone, but it will take longer than usual because Moss’ system is ass backwards. Couth-less Chloe strikes again! Janis, meanwhile, is trying to peek at what Chloe is doing, but keeps getting denied.

Aaron is back! Kick-ass secret service Aaron is sent to get the Pres.’ daughter, but she refuses to go with him when he arrives at the hotel lobby where she’s meeting with a client. He tells her about her father being shot and they leave. She’s annoying already.

Janis blackmails Squirrely guy into helping her get a look at what Chloe is doing.

“You’re a little bitch, you know that?”

“You’re a little bitch,” she counters.

You’re both little bitches.

Marika is going along in the car Dubaku sent and Jack and Agent Walker follow behind. Chloe’s trace is interrupted when Janis, who was spying, has to sever the connection so as not to get made.  Moss, Chloe, and Jack know someone was mirroring Chloe’s actions.

Local police fall in on Jack and Agent Moss and arrest them. Moss gets on the phone to try and stop it when Chloe discovers a warrant was issued for them by Moss’ office. Janis opens her big mouth and tells Squirrely guy that Chloe is working with Jack to trace a car on its way to Dubaku. As soon as she takes her dumbass to her desk, Squirrely guy makes a call. He calls Dubaku’s contact that he met with earlier.  He, in turn, calls Dubaku and tells him that his girlfriend has been turned. Dubaku says he’ll take care of her.

Tick… tock… tick… tock.

The L Word: Season 6, Epi. 5 – Litmus Test

The L Word: Liar

Alice. Went. Off! After reluctantly asking Jenny to give her notes on a movie treatment, Alice learns that Jenny steals  her idea and sells it for $500,000! Alice confronts Jenny about stealing her movie idea and Jenny says that any similarities are just coincidences. She pretty much lies through her teeth. Alice threatens to kill her TWICE and finally, it’s a threat I can believe. 

 

 

 

 

 

Bette definitely needs to go back to work… in an office. Did anyone notice how many times she opened and closed and opened and closed her laptop because she was so busy yapping ? It was refreshing to see a light, fun side of her and she was actually funny.

She was  full of jokes, advice, ideas, theories - like the Third Wheel Crush. Bette and Tina think that Alice and Tasha both have a crush on Jamie, which is fine because she rejuvenates their troubled relationship. The problem occurs when the friendship tips and one of them begins to have feelings for Jamie, which becomes quite obvious in the dancing scene at Hit later in the show. By the way, I love how both of Alice’s girlfriends, Tasha and Jamie, stuck up for her. 

Trapping Dylan  by using Niki as bait was pretty juvenile. Dylan, thankfully, didn’t fall for it,  but instead remained true to the possibility of a future with the love of her life, Helena. It pretty much panned out for her too! They are back together!

Yikes! Jealous much? What’s with Jenny forbidding Shane to talk to Niki and checking her text messages? Shane can’t even get five minutes to smoke some contraband and talk to… Niki.  After threatening Jenny by telling her that she makes her want to “act out,” Shane  passive aggressively tries to get out of the relationship by saying, “If I had to choose today between this relationship and our friendship, I’d have to choose the friendship.” Jenny wasn’t having it.  

Shane looks beat down, run down, and totally fed up with Jenny’s antics. It was one thing when Jenny was her crazy friend, but quite another as her crazy girlfriend. It really doesn’t help that Niki has the major hots for Shane. From next week’s scenes, it is ON!  Boy, is Shane gonna be “acting out!”  Um, did I really just say “major hots?”

Who will tip the scale, Alice or Tasha? Will Shane act out with Niki ? Where is Max?

 The L Word airs at 9pm Sunday on Showtime.

The Amazing Race 14: Don’t Let a Cheese Hit Me

So, we’re meeting the couples and Donny and I are preparing to pick a couple we think will win. We decide that we’ll each pick two.

What I love/hate about TAR is that they seem to fill the same “type” each season.

I predict that this season Preston and Jennifer will be the white, good-looking couple, where the boyfriend is thisclose to being a wife-beater and she whines and takes it ’cause he only does it because he loves her so much and he’s super competitive.

Oh, look we have the former NFL cheerleaders. They fill the niche for white, perky, annoying, self-involved women who will inevitably go to a less fortunate country and make an inappropriate/racist remark.

I’m rooting for the black girls (Kisha and Jen) ’cause that’s how I roll and then after them, Mel and Mike, the gay father and son. I’ve long since believed there’s not much difference between a sassy black girl and a white gay man. They’re both fabulous.

Donny is rooting for Preston and Jennifer (blech) or the Asian couple, Tammy and Victor (sibling lawyers)

Ok, the teams are off to Zurich!

Donny just got me! The Virginia couple, Steve and Linda, are talking about being from the sticks and how people will underestimate them and I was typing so I wasn’t looking at the screen. Donny goes, “Do you see where it said under their names, ‘Cousins/Husband and Wife’”?

“No, it didn’t!!”

“Yeah, I’m kidding. You’re going to lose all of your Virginia readers.”

“I didn’t say it! You did!”

I love Margie and Luke, the Mom/deaf son team. They have a great relationship.

Ten minutes in and Preston has told Jennifer to “shut her mouth.” Did I call it or what?!

Crap my two teams are among the last to sign in at the Church in San Antonio. They get the next to last (Mike and Mel) and last (Kisha and Jen) departure times for the next morning. Too late to pick new teams, huh?

Teams are now off to the Verzasca Dam to find their next clue. Mark and Michael are in first place. They’re the tiny stuntmen. I think they’re little people, but Donny says they’re just really short. My bad.

One team member has to bungee jump from the dam; the second highest jump in the world. Screw.That. Donny really wants to go on this show, but I refuse. For reasons just like that. The tiny guys have an advantage. They’re stuntmen. They ain’t scared of shit.

Victor and Tammy are up first and Victor picked a fine time to realize he has a fear of heights, but he does the jump with no problem. Donny is proud. I tell him to shut up. Tammy and Victor are now off to Kleine Rugen Wiese in Interlacken to get their next clue as Donny beams.

One of the obligatory blondes (flight attendants), is having a moment. I think she may punk out.

The Virginia husband and wife are racing to be last to the jump against the black girls.

“You may wanna think about it. You know it can bounce back and break your neck, right?,” the husband asks them.

Hmmm, he may not want to be talking to the sistahs about hanging and ropes. Just sayin’.

Jodi, the flight attendant that was freaking out does the jump and survives. All that drama for nothing. She and her partner, Jen, are in sixth place.

All the other teams make their jumps with ease. They’re all off to take a train to Interlacken. The blondes take a train that leaves before the older married couple, Brad and Victoria and think they’re doing something. Brad and Victoria take the train that left later, but arrives first. Duh!

At Kleine Rugen Wiese, the teams have to collect 200lbs of cheese and carry it down a hill, but first they have to carry a rack up the hill which they will use to bring the cheese back down. I’m kinda confused, but Donny, who is literally eating a block of cheese with a knife as we watch, is in heaven.

Margie and Luke (mom and deaf son) are making their way down the hill while the locals are at the bottom of the hill drinking and watching. Luke gets a little too much momentum going as he trots down the hill and loses his cheese after falling on his ass. Donny and I crack the hell up! And the natives lose their shit.

Mel and Mike (gay dad and son) are making their way down… the dad, on his ass. This is pure comedy!

The flight attendants are salty because the married couple lied to them and said they were taking their train. Um, it’s a race! Man up!

Meanwhile, it’s a silent movie comedy as all the teams struggle down the hill. The locals are still laughing and have “stupid Americans” written all over their faces. Margie and Luke are the first team to finish and they must head to the town of Stechelberg for the pit stop. The last team to check-in, will be eliminated.

The Virginian couple, Steve and Linda are struggling and the husband still berates the wife for being slow. (He got on her earlier about it) You knew she was slow before you got there! Why you bring her on a race?

Amanda and Kris are getting their cheese put on their back when she whines, “Oh my God, this is my body weight, Kris!” Skinny bitch. It’s two wheels of cheese at 50lbs a piece.

Margie and Luke and Victor and Tammy arrive at the pit stop where they can hear the locals yodeling. Margie and Luke check-in first. Aww, I’m happy for them. Victor and Tammy are second. The midg.. I mean, stuntmen, are third. Everyone cries as Luke signs that deaf people can do anything that hearing people can do.

Preston and Jennifer are making their way down the cheese hill. He’s carrying 100lbs of cheese and she ain’t carrying shit.

“I’m so proud of you, baby. You can do it.”

“Just be quiet right now.”

Bastard. He falls on his ass, and I laugh.

Everyone assumes the guy from Virginia is a hick, but he has the best strategy. He straps 150lbs of the cheese on his board and slides it down while he wife scoots down with 50lbs. Gooo Team Virginia!

Mel and Mike (gay Dad and son) come in fourth.

Amanda and Kris (dating couple) are fifth.

The flight attendants are missing a wheel of cheese.

Jennifer, who is useless, tells Preston, “You are so strong and good for me.” Except when he’s talking to you like you’re trash, and then he isn’t.

Brad and Victoria (older married couple) come in sixth. Steve and Linda (Virginia couple) are there, but they can’t find the pit stop! Jaime and Cara (NFL cheerleaders) come in seventh. And the Virginia couple are still lost! Kisha and Jen (black sisters) come in eighth. FINALLY, Virginia couple, Steve and Linda, check in as team number nine. I wonder if Phil will tell them they should have been sixth.

It’s a foot race between the flight attendants and Preston and Jennifer. Preston has to carry Jennifer on his back because she’s still useless! The flight attendants, Christie and Jodi beat them! They’re in tenth place and Preston and Jennifer are eliminated!

Bwaahahahaha! One of Donny’s picks is out already. I rub it in his face.

“They looked like they could win.”

I think it was karma for Preston being a prick. In his exit interview he said, “She didn’t let me down. I hated her at times, but she didn’t let me down.” A class act till the end.

I called my Dad after it was over. We laughed and I asked who his picks to win were.

“I like the Asian chick.”

“Um, you’re supposed to be picking a team. Not someone you think is hot.”

“You watch for why you wanna watch, and I’ll watch for why I wanna watch.”

Perv.

Girls’ Day Out

As I post this, Kali and I have had three Girls’ Day Out. For those just joining us, I decided to take a cue from my best friend, Sophie, and designate some mandatory mother-daughter time for Kali and me each week.

Every Sunday morning we go out for hot chocolate, and then do something together. It just so happened that each week that something else has been shopping. Our first Sunday together we went to the IHOP that’s about five minutes from our house and ordered hot chocolate and breakfast. One sip in, and I knew it was an excellent idea. Their hot chocolate is delicious!

After breakfast, we headed over to Old Navy to check out a massive sale they were having. Probably ’cause we felt a little guilty, we ended up buying more stuff for Donny and Jack than ourselves.

I remembered that Sophie said she used Girls’ Day Out with her daughter, Zoe (5), to discuss things that she may need to work on like being nicer to her little brother or following directions. I wanted to bring up some issues I had with a friend Kali made at school who I feel was a bad influence, but I thought I’d ease into that on another Sunday. Don’t want to turn her off from G.D.O before it really gets started, you know?

The next week, we did our usual IHOP breakfast with hot chocolate and then went off to Ulta because Mommy needed make-up and Barnes & Noble so that I could get some writing magazines, and Kali could pick out a book. I tried to convince her to get her hair done (and even offered to get mine done as well – “Donny, I had to! I had to show her that it would be okay!”), but she’s never had her hair professionally done, and she was a bit apprehensive.

Yesterday, on our third outing, we decided to mix things up a bit. Jack was being particularly fussy so I asked Kali if she’d mind him coming with us to give Daddy a break. She was all for it! Another change came when Kali announced she’d rather go to Dunkin Donuts, right across the street from IHOP, instead for our hot chocolate.

We were a bit disappointed to find that their hot chocolate machine was broken, and we settled on chocolate milk for Kali and a coffee for me. We each got a breakfast sandwich and one donut. While we ate, an older white gentleman arrived on a motorcycle. He sat across the store enjoying his coffee and donut and occasionally smiling our way.

On a trip to the men’s room, located right behind us, he stopped at the table next to us where a woman was having breakfast with her two young girls. She was snapping pics of them with a digital camera and the stranger offered to take a pic of the three of them together. She refused, he insisted, and she politely refused again. He gave up and went to the bathroom, but not before stopping to pat Jack on his head. My mommy radar pinged like crazy.

“Kali, finish up, we’re leaving.”

She didn’t ask any questions and did as she was told. I had ordered a sandwich and coffee for Donny and by the time we were ready to go, it still wasn’t ready. The stranger was back at his table and smiled our way as we waited by the door. After a moment, he got up holding his coffee cup and came over to us. Jack was strapped into his car seat which was sitting on the floor. He knelt down and asked how old he was.

“Six months,” I answered.

“He’s beautiful. Though I suppose the proper word is handsome.”
“Thank you.”

The entire time Jack is looking at him like, “Do I know you?”

“And you, you’re a knockout,” he said turning to Kali. If he touched her, I had made up my mind I would punch him in the junk. Thankfully, he didn’t.

Knockout? I didn’t think that was appropriate.

“Your Dad’s gonna need to get a bodyguard.”

“He already has a shotgun,” I said playing along, but not really.

He laughed and returned to his table where he prepared to go. Our food was ready, but I waited till he was outside strapping on his helmet before I went to retrieve it and even then, I waited until he got on his bike before I prepared to leave.

“What are we waiting for?”

“Him to leave.”

“Why?”

“I don’t trust him.”

“He was just being friendly.”

“Overly friendly.”

“I thought friendly was a good thing.”

“Depends on who you ask.”

“I’m asking you.”

“In his case, no. Friendly is not a good thing.”

I’ve been enjoying our conversations on G.D.O. Not all are so serious. On our first outing, while we sipped hot chocolate and waited for our breakfast we played 20 Questions. I went first.

It took Kali about 13 questions to correctly guess puppy. Halfway through, neither of us were sure which number question we were on. When it was her turn, I started with the basics and finally asked, “Can you ride in it?”

“No,” she giggled, “but it would be funny if you could.”

“Kali, you’re supposed to just say yes or no.”

“Sorry,” she said giggling again.

“What question are we on?”

“I don’t remember. We should probably just called it Questions ’cause we’re not very good at keeping track.”

True dat.

We were about 17 questions in, and I was getting nowhere. Kali, though, was laughing her ass off.

“Is it a part of your body?”

“It can be.”

I was too frustrated and confused to scold her for breaking the rules. Then I got a sneaking suspicion.

“Does it have eyes?”

“Yes… the biggest brown eyes I ever did see!” she exclaimed, not able to help herself, and sounding like Laura Ingalls.

“Kali. Is it Jack?”

“Yes!”

Silly goose.

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