Nip/Tuck Season 5.5 Epi. 7: Allegra Caldarello

Previously on Nip/Tuck: Mrs. Caldarello has reconstructive surgery where skin from her labia is put on her mouth. She keeps this from her husband so he won’t know that he’s kissing her kitty-kat on her mouth. Sean hires and then has sex with Liz’s replacement, Teddy. Christian proposes to Liz.

And now…

Liz is excited to try on her mother’s wedding dress. It looks like my Grandmother’s curtains. While she does this, Christian and Liz’s Mom chat. She’s Hurley’s mom from Lost, and she’s now annoying on two shows. She puts down Liz’s looks and demands to know why Christian is marrying Liz. Christian doesn’t mention his cancer and dances around the question. Liz’s mom thinks Christian must be gay and Liz is his beard.

Liz needs help getting into the dress and refuses to have the antique dress altered. Christian wants to buy Liz her own dress, but she wants to wear her Mom’s curtains. Because it’s not fitting, Liz wants Christian to shrink her boobs.

And we have credits….

“Make me beautiful. Make meeeeeeeeeee….”

Mrs. Caldarello is back. Her husband wants her to get her eyes, neck, breasts, etc. done.  He has prostate cancer and he wants his wife all hooched up so she can snag another meal ticket.  She apparently has no skills or means of taking care of herself. When Mr. C. leaves to hit the head, Mrs. C. confronts Sean for the storyline in Hearts & Scalpels based on her surgery. She doesn’t seem to be that upset to have been referred to as, “Pussy Lips.”

Liz is preparing for her surgery at McNamara/Troy when Teddy comes in. They decide to have a little girl talk and Liz admits that she needs to spend some time home with Christian and Wilbur, but she doesn’t want to go stir crazy. They agree to split the job. Then, Teddy gets all up in her business asking how could she have just turned off her gay switch so easily.  Teddy kinda sorta comes out to Liz.

During surgery, Christian decides to make Liz a D instead of the C she wanted. He’s also celebrating that this will be his last surgery. He tells Sean he’ll start looking for his own replacement.  Sean doesn’t want to talk or think about replacing Christian. When Christian leaves, Teddy tells Sean to pretty much man up and accept what’s going to happen. She’s such a charmah!

Christian interviews a very qualified surgeon.  He explains how close he and Sean are and he wants someone who will fit in both personally and professionally. The whole time they’re talking the interviewee is stroking the chair he’s sitting in.

Christian arranges for the new guy to assist Sean in Mrs. C’s surgery to see if he fits in. Sean is hesitant, but is put at ease as the new guy admires the surgical table. What’s wrong with this guy? Christian looks on and he and Sean make goo-goo eyes at each other.

Sean and the new guy (how did I miss his name?) go to Christian’s favorite place; a strip club with some busted-ass strippers. They couldn’t have hired better extras? As the new guy and Sean get lap dances, Sean’s heart isn’t into it. Over drinks, Sean admits that he’s just not feeling the new guy.

New guy starts tearing the décor of the strip club apparent. He wants to go to someplace more tastefully decorated. What the hell is wrong with him?!

Liz has her bandages removed and is shocked to see that Christian didn’t listen to her wishes.  He said he made an executive decision. Liz’s mom notes that they’re not even married yet, and already Christian is controlling her. Christian chooses that moment to surprise Liz with a gorgeous, new, luxurious wedding gown. Her mom tries to guilt her into wearing her curtains instead.

The new guy (Christian’s replacement) starts to make himself at home in Christian’s office. He begins to clean and dust. He seems really interested in the sofa. He starts to fondle and caress it. He spreads open the cushions like…. Oh, gross!!! He’s going to screw the sofa! He’s pumping away when Sean and Christian walk in on him.

He has Objective Sexuality. He can form strong relationships with inanimate objects… but he believes that inanimate objects have feelings and can express love. He says there’s a history of gender identification with cars, boats, buildings.

"Yeah, but the difference is that I've never stuck my dick in a tailpipe."

Christian has heard enough and kicks him out… as he leaves though, he spots the operating table he was admiring earlier. And it moans at him!

Mrs. C. is recovering and her husband brings in a man with flowers. It’s their butcher. He’s trying to hook his wife up with someone and he’s not even dead yet!!

Come to think of it, so is Christian.

At Liz’s bridal shower her mother is being a real beyotch. Liz tells everyone that Christian is dying and that she is worried they won’t have much time together. Her mother says that it all makes sense now. Liz lashes at her mother for never accepting her and killing her self esteem. She tells her to leave her shower and she doesn’t want her at the wedding. All of Liz’s lesbian friends boo and hiss.

"Don't piss off a room full of lesbians."

Christian finds the new guy picking up his things that he left in Christian’s office. He apologizes again and drops off Christian’s keys.

Mrs. C. is going home, but she’s pissed at her husband. He apologizes and says he just wants the best for her. And the best is what she shall get. In walks a younger guy, all handsome and bearing gifts. Mrs. C. is suddenly down for whatever.

As they leave, the new guy is screwing the surgical table.

"Couches need love too."

At home, Christian is helping Wilbur practice for his ring bearer duties. He tells Liz she will need her mother when he’s gone, but Liz is firm in her decision. They have a nice family group hug moment.

Awwwww

At McNamara/Troy, Sean is watching old home movies of him, Christian, and Julia in college. He tells Teddy he feels like he’s losing everyone. Teddy tells him she knows she can’t replace Christian, but she promises he won’t lose her. It’s not a lot, but it’s all she has to offer. Sean tells her it is a lot.

Next week is the season finale. Already? Yeah. Remember, this season is actually the back half of last season which was cut short due to the writer’s strike.